30 Days of Kink – Day #27: I’m a Day Dreamer!

Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

I’ve been do slack putting these up the past few days – my deepest apologies to the person following this daily.

To answer the question, my non-kink interests always find their way to kinky activities. Where you there when I wrote about Ariel submitting to Ursula as a Slave in exchange for human legs? I’m a huge Disney fan! I set a path to Disneyland and World when I visited the states.

Did you ever read HERA? It was a story for a competition I created last year or the year before. In it, a group of spacefarers investigate a dormant spaceship floating quietly in space, only for them to fall victim to a erratic AI becoming conscious and developing the mindset of a mistress.

It incorporated another favourite genre of mine – science fiction – and has ties to Greek mythology as well, both things I am an avid fan of.

When it comes to writing erotica, I like moving against the grain. I find to do so makes for a challenge to me as someone creating the world in ways it will pay off at the end of the tale – but I also like to challenge the reader. It’s always nice to get an email saying ‘I’m not normally a science fiction fan, or like anime, or I don’t like rape fantasies – but this really took my breath away” – to me that’s a job successfully done.

I can’t help it either, you know? Being inspired by the world around me, or incorporating other things I like into genre. For me, it just comes naturally that I want to experiment with ideas – and there’s freedom to here because I trust readers will definitely tell me what works and what doesn’t. It’s a good place to experiment.

The long-running VALHALLA is another example. I love Norse mythology and fantasy and put both into the story around the more kinky aspects like the M/s dynamic. I actually borrow a lot from old Norse texts, lifting Valkyrie names from the Prose Edda and putting them into the story. Kára is one Valkyrie from the Prose Edda, envisioned here as a fiery soul, like a feisty middle child with problems of her own.

I know what you’re thinking though – yes, yes – enough about what you like to write about, what about your sex life? Well does psychology count as a non kink activity? I mean it IS kinky too to a degree but it doesn’t quite fit into the spectrum.

I’m interested in how minds operate and why. I’m interested in encouraging minds to break free of whatever aspect that is blocking them from that liberation. I’m interested in chipping away at armour in someone piece by piece to see what’s underneath and how we can play with that together.

There’s something really REALLY sexy about finding an aspect in someone that they never knew existed. Maybe it’s an interest, maybe it’s heightened pleasure. To break them when they say they can’t be broken.

Then it’s something as simple as walking out the door right? I walk out the door, ready to grab a coffee for the day (praise and glory be to the coffee) and all of a sudden I’m thinking how I can push kitten against this wall and making her whimper.

I’m constantly thinking about the world and the people around me and turning them into stories I can write about.

I’m a day dreamer.

30 Days of Kink – Day #26 – My Opinion on Online BDSM interaction

What’s your opinion on online BDSM play? Or online D/s Relationships?

I have no qualms with it whatsoever. The majority of my BDSM education came from interactions online – through Fetlife or through WordPress and the lovely readers who choose to write me (Never underestimate the power of encouraging words, especially to a writer!). I’m talking invaluable life and personality lessons.

And I mean, the best thing I can say about online BDSM is that it encourages the best component, the psychological interaction with one another. So much of it can be text based in an exciting way – the use of words or tasks or just deep conversation.

Then there’s the other side, the harmful side. People can abuse newcomers. It is heartbreaking how common it is to hear from a reader or lurker that there is this man that is playing mind games. That’s not to rule out a dastardly wicked woman – it really can go both ways – but the majority of what I’ve personally dealt with are men misusing dominant traits and emotionally abusing new submissives and shattering their trust.

As good as the initial interaction can be, especially on a psychological level, I feel like people new to the dynamic need to be careful. Submissive’s especially need to understand that they have to give consent before being demanded things. They need to understand they have that power and that right and that equality.

It’s important to keep an eye out for traits of twitchy folk – are they pushy? Rushing things? Demanding? Are they respecting your self or they misusing the whole dynamic?

As fruitful and involving and lovely as online D/s can be, I also feel that an endgame of it, no matter how far off, if it’s quite serious of course, should be to turn that exchange into a long term psychical relationship. But even saying that is a bit generalising, for some people have ways of surviving in that state, with one another, and can make it work. So it depends on the individuals involved.

30 Days of Kink – Day #25 – How Open Are You About Your Kinks?

How open are you about your kinks?

The one thing I always say to people who write to me is that they can ask what they’d like – because I’m pretty open to a point. I like having that availability to people and I like just being open myself as I don’t see kink as being something to shy from.

But! I mean, I don’t flaunt it needlessly. If it comes up, say, around family or friends, I’ll be open and give my opinion and if questions about my life come up, I wouldn’t beat around the bush about it. I would be open – to a degree and politely – about how it appeals to me.

However, when it comes to readers and people who have questions on my tumblr, I’m open quite a bit. Shoot! Fire away! Go ham! The sky’s the limit. Let’s do this! Whatever goes!

How Can You Tell If You’re Dominant Or Submissive?

Ladies and gents, I’m kinda stumped.

Early in the week, I was talking to a lady about how to implement kink into her marriage with her husband, when she ran a question by me – How do you know if you’re Dominant?

I answered that question best I could in the moment, running my own experiences with identifying the feeling by her, hoping it would connect somehow. But now, days later, I’m still thinking it over. I don’t really know HOW. It all seems so organic looking back.

I have also recently had someone ask me If they’re still fully submissive if they enjoy being bratty – there’s a lot of misunderstanding about the persona and how it applies to the individual.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of confused and alone people out there with a laundry list of questions and no one to ask. I’m more than happy to answer anything anyone has to ask, be you male, female, teenager, adult, new to the lifestyle or in the middle of a transformation or even someone with an inkling of kinkling.

Anyway, I thought I would try to the answer the question at length, hoping newcomers to BDSM might relate and it can help them in their own journey.

In the beginning, I had these feelings that I had understanding of. I didn’t know I could file my name calling under ‘Degradation and Humiliation’ nor did I understand why I was so interested in control – in exercising authority over my girlfriend. In these stages, there was no real sense of D/s and aftercare because I was immature and these feelings were immature and coarse and unrefined.

Before I continue, let me just write that there’s no absolute way for one person. Everyone is different and works differently.

I should say that my own development has come with a certain degree of blind luck. I met certain people at the right time in my life, people like me, through Fetlife or the semi-sketchy anonymous confessional app Whisper. I was a lucky bastard. I had the blessing of shaping who I was through encounters along my twenties.

Fetlife was a big player in my path, I would say. By signing up and looking around, I could see I wasn’t alone. I could even put a name to my kinks and thus have some semblance of understanding.

Google helped too, in a way, acting as a gateway to all sorts of media – books, images, blogs, people, Kink. Suddenly I knew of words like ‘Dominance’ and ‘submission’ and ‘dynamic’. Combine this with Fetlife and I had opportunities to feel the gravitational force to someone who was submissive. I’m talking, heart racing, cock hardening, breath quickening gravitational forces that helped me realise something was within me.

I know what you’re wondering. ‘Okay, but how does someone know if they’re dominant? Or even submissive?’

The best advice I can give is that it starts with an idea. Have a google of key concepts that come to mind when you think of BDSM – blindfolding, handcuffs, dirty talk. Start small. See if something strikes up your fancy.

If you want to reach deeper, have a look at concepts within a D/s relationship, such as setting tasks and rules and maintaining order. See if any of these concepts appeal to you on a base level. Try not to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information – there can be a lot to learn but you can easily break it up into easily digestible parts.

Start small. Start light. A bit of spanking, a bit of issuing commands – talk to your partner about what they would like to try and see if it strikes a chord with you on any level.

The last advice I can give is to be open to yourself and to your partner. That goes for likes and dislikes and even if you’re uninterested. But always be open to trying at least. You never know what you’ll find on the road less travelled.

The Claiming

She could hide from her friends, she could hide from her family, she could hide from the world.

But she couldn’t hide from her own mind – the perverse, the wicked, the sacrilegious, the inhumane.

Soon it would come, this physical manifestation of all she would bury. It would claw at her, bruise her, mark her. It would drag her by her ankles out the front door and into the storm, out where the rain would fall so hard that the droplets felt like stones against her flesh.

Oh she could run from her own mind. But eventually it would find her and it would claim her soul.

An Awkward Dominant on Hair Pulling

There’s something so delightfully wicked about hair pulling. I mean, besides the gut wrenching feeling rising from my balls to coil in the pit of my stomach, there’s this animalistic savagery to it that draws me in, there’s something so satisfying about grabbing a Fistful of her hair, turning her head, exposing her neck, sinking her teeth in.

There’s something about dragging her behind you while her strangled whimpers attempt an apology, No Siree she definitely won’t talk back because by the time I’ve finished claiming her she will have lost her voice in losing her mind.

I like the idea of the pain she could feel. I can almost sense it splintering off from her scalp, sending lightning fast jagged forks of hurt down to her breasts where it spirals around her nipples, transforming pain into maddening ecstasy.

And yet – wait. Pump the brakes.

All this occurred in my mind, for what felt like hours. In actuality, this scene, these sensations, pass in a heartbeat. Time is a fickle mistress.

Every time I get the urge to do this, to act it out, my mind relents. It gives way to this softer version of myself. I don’t know if this is an anxiety disorder matter or a confidence issue – I just feel….shy. I feel gentle. And every time we get to this point, and kitten is open to this as I am, I pause. I worry I will break her.

I know what you’re thinking – so talk to her, tell her how you feel. Ask for help in gaining confidence. I know. I know. We do – she knows my tells, she reads my face. We’re both good at communicating – it just doesn’t seem to help much. I still have pockets of time where I feel too loving.

This isn’t a new issue with men. Just yesterday I spoke to a woman whose husband struggled to be tougher with her, for the similar reasons. Here’s the thing too – I gave her advice that I could take myself.

Love can often get in the way, we often reach this lovely sense of comfort that can get in the way of the moment. The trick is to be confident within yourself to trust your partner and yourself with safety parameters.

So I guess I’ll begin again.

30 Days of Kink – Day #24: Your Ideal Partner in Crime

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I love the right mix of things that bring us together but also a little bit of difference. Like, having similar interests and tastes is key because we’ll be exploring together – but then I’d want my perspective to be my challenged – and not just in terms of physical sexual play but psychological.

To have someone find the backdoor into my mind and be stimulating me in really intelligent ways – I’d really like that.

Other than that, a mix of primal, baby girl and Slave would be ideal, as that would fit snugly with my personalities.

Beyond that, someone eager to explore, to experiment. Someone cheeky, with a warm sense of humour. Playful, dark, sweet, aw curious about the mind as I am. I like to be surprised by someone more then anything.

Having said all that, I like to be open too. I feel like if I build up this idea of a ULTIMATE SUBMISSIVE FANTASY in my head, it’s unrealistic and a little unfair to the individual that comes along. So I go in without expectations.