Sometime last week I received an email from a reader passing by. They asked some really good questions that I just wanted to share with the blog — with their permission of course— in the hopes it reaches someone else who is new to D/s and BDSM.
In your experience as a Dom, were you always aware that the girls you were going out with were subs or did you bring it up to them as something to try out and see if they would like it?
I wasn’t aware in the beginning, no. For a while, I wanna say between 16-23, I didn’t really understand the concept of ‘submission’ and ‘dominance’ as I do fully now.
Back then, it was more of a feeling that came naturally. I did the things I do now but without fully understanding them or what they were or the intricacies of D/s.
I just did. Or rather, we just did – without knowing what it meant — because it was, and it felt like, the most organic thing in the world. It just blossomed out of being intimate with one another. And that sort of went on for the length of the relationships.
It was only until much later, when I was 23, that I felt myself being drawn to those fantasies. I realized the things I was engaging in, well they had names and rules and organization. And I learned that a D/s relationship really appealed to me.
Were you ever in a relationship that didn’t involve BDSM and D/s?
After my whirlwind teenage romances, I settled down and got married to someone who was entirely vanilla. It would be one difference in a long list of differences that would ultimately – try as we might – lead to our separation and divorce. As I was feeling interested in exploring, I introduced the idea to her, the concepts and fantasies and she just wasn’t interested. At all. So I caged that aside.
How are the D/s relationships? I know what happens between closed doors but what happens beyond that? Is it your common boyfriend and girlfriend relationship or something different?
So a D/s relationship that involves that dynamic and BDSM is, how I like to say – a regular relationship on fire.
It is very much the same as any other relationship, you’ll still snuggle on the couch watching TV at the end of the day but there will be different touches to it – you might be collared or naked or however you want to explore being submissive or dominant with someone.
You each craft your own rules and dynamics to suit your desires. It’s kinda like a cake. Layers, you know? It just differs by how the dynamic is, you know – are you a slave? How do you want to express this side of yourself. Do you want something 24/7 or just in the bedroom? And 24/7 doesn’t mean always being switched on and ready to fuck, it means…just having a layer of those sides of yourself present.
For example, you could wear a necklace symbolic of a collar and ownership to work to display the dynamic between one another. Something D/s can be non-sexual and in the background but there and present while you go about your day.
I hope these questions reach someone and help explain some things. For anything else, I am always a comment or an email away and I’ll do my best to help shed light on something!