What Is The D/s Dynamic?

It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.

With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.

The D/s Dynamic

The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.

Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. There is a deep psychological component there between a Dominant and a submissive and this may led to the establishment of daily tasks, protocol, speech patterns and more that fulfils both parties.

Protocol?

Protocol is established early on in the relationship, when the Dominant and submissive figure out together what each of them want from this partnership. Aspects like what does the Dominant want? and more importantly what does the submissive want? Are established and from there, discipline and any tasks important to the individual come about to be carried out at established times. Protocol can be used to establish daily and nightly routine, forming the basis of structure in the relationship.

And What’s This About Speech Patterns?

The speech pattern of both the Dominant and the submissive are tailored specifically to their tastes. It can be cute and whimsical or more disciplined but whatever the case, it is a design implemented primarily for control and ownership. Have fun with names! Be creative.

Daily Tasks

What will fulfil you as a Dominant? What will fulfil you as a submissive? Things you need in your relationship will come to mind when you establish the limits and boundaries within your relationship. Remember to discuss everything thoroughly – and SUBMISSIVE PEOPLE, SPEAK UP. This is about your needs as much as it is your partners, you dig? Push the envelope, explore what calls your heart, and be experimental.

Dominance

What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.

Remember, as exciting as tasks and BDSM can be, you are the guardian of your submissive. Nurture them, be patient with them, and do not be afraid to learn from their own needs. Always be attentive to the needs, as well as your own.

Submission

 I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.

A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.

Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.

Established Boundaries

 When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.

Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.

A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.

And Now, A Personal Example…

 At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.

I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.

 Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.

Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.

So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.

 

What Fulfils a Dominant in a D/s Relationship

It’s strange that I’ve never really written about this before, because it’s come up a few times in my life – either with my lady, a reader or a student I’ve had the distinct pleasure of mentoring. What fulfils a Dominant in a D/s relationship? What do they get from taking care of a submissive? Is it merely holding a paddle, feeling it’s weight, hearing the crack on bare skin? Is it hearing her sweet voice call to you in the most intimate moments?

Yes, it’s all of that indeed but it’s so much more too at the same time. And to have a peek at some of the reasons, we’ll need to get messy, as hearts (especially mine!) often are. Are you strapped in? Comfortable? Sitting in your favourite spot? Lying in bed? Let’s go!

Connection

As satisfying as it is to find a soul who wants you to be in charge, who wants to carry out your orders and who trusts your ownership and leadership, what’s fulfilling for me is on a psychological level — I adore the mind and all it’s messy interiors.

For me, that I’m just being trusted with someone’s mind – something they may be struggling with for who knows how long – is a beautiful thing. But to share their world, see their tastes, their distaste’s, their collection of toys or underwear or memories and experiences, it’s powerful, powerful stuff. And I’m forever thankful.

You might wonder ‘wait, that’s it?’ – but it’s true. When I’m laying with my lady, and we’re a couple of surfaces deep from who society sees, it’s like I’m seeing a part of her, who she is, who this universe created, in a way my human mind can comprehend. Maybe we’re larger than that. Larger than our bodies. This is a spiritual thing I’m wandering to, not psychological. I’ll leave it there.

Structure

This, I feel, is very important. It goes hand in hand with the connection aspect I feel, complimenting each other, working with one another in ways I’m not sure I can communicate across.

Just as a submissive wants or requires or needs structure, so too does a Dominant. There’s a level of control needed, yes, but also tasks, daily assignments and constant communication on these aspects.

For me, I need a level of control. Like, I need it. And this extends to aspects of my lady’s life, splitting into different categories like day and night, speech patterns, protocol and other disciplinary behaviour.

More importantly, it gives structure to the day and night of the Dominant.

Some of you readers who have been with me from the beginning know that when I was suppressing the Dominant side of me in favour for a vanilla life, I was growing anxious, agitated and so uncharacteristically like myself. I was sullen, I was prone to anger, I was tormented.

The structure of a D/s relationship 24/7 many months later brought me back to my usual self. To use an already overused phrase, things fell in place, they really did – and I realised two things – not only did was an organised structure the key to my mental health, but it was balancing what needed balancing in my life. Evening things out. Like they should’ve all along.

That day was a real epiphany moment, I tell you. When it hit me all at once what I needed.

So you see, A Dominant gets more out of a D/s relationship than the animalistic thrill of their partner fulfilling a task, there’s a deeper psychological connection at work, a cosmic balancing act, the key to happiness for the Dominant.

If you have any further questions on this, let me know below or you can reach me at my email!

Don’t Ever Hesitate To Write To Me – Anonymously or Otherwise…

I’m guilty of this myself. I’m a shy and stubborn man when looking to solve my own problems. I can’t help it. That’s how I was raised.

Unfortunately, this is the sort of response I sometimes hear from a reader of my blog and it deeply upsets me. I know I can’t force anyone’s hands and that people have to work out matters at their own pace, but I would never like to think of anyone as too worried or shy to write to me if they really needed to. It would break my heart.

I don’t mean to pressure anyone. I just want to let anyone out there who may want to write in but is hesitating to know that as soon as you open up the blank screen to write, it’s a safe zone free of judgement.

So if you are thinking of writing to me but can’t find the words to finish the email – just write. Write as messy and unwieldy as you’d like, because I certainly read every response, and I certainly don’t judge someone. Just look at me now, here, rambling unwieldy thoughts myself.

My email is always open. I would never judge you, no matter how dark the fantasy, no matter the situation, no matter the age or experience or philosophical differences.

Her Madness

He brought her to the brink of her own madness, just to see what came loosely from her maddened lips, what delightful desires came free-falling from her devilish mind.

She laid beside him, clenching her tits, pulling them, twisting them, pushing her own boundaries.

She uttered words he’d never heard her say before, sounded unlike the woman who had walked off to work early that morning.

This spirit, this vixen, this force of nature that came out of this being beside him was alive.

‘Please…let me come.’

‘No.’

Anguished cries erupted from her mouth, torture and torment, pain and elated pleasure.

‘Fuck, Sir, why not?’

‘Don’t you question me now, young lady. We can do this all evening.’

‘Let me suck your cock, I need this.’

She went to sit up but he caught her by her waist, placing her back down.

The ‘No’ that came from his lips was more stern than he intended.

‘I want to taste, I want…Fuccccccck.’

She was growing frustrated. He was growing pleased.

‘Yes. Do tell me what you want. There’s a good girl. I want to hear everything you want’

And she told him. She wanted his cock in her mouth, she wanted every drop, she wanted to be bruised by him across her tits, enough to hurt her in the morning. She writhed as she told him this, coiling around on the fresh bedsheets like a snake.

Hissing and spitting her words she went, twisting and thrashing and emitting a half sob, half cry of rage.

‘I don’t want to go backwards. I’m a whore, let me be your whore. Let me be your Slave. I can be, I can be whatever you want, just let me -‘

‘Are you bargaining to come?’

He sounded amused.

She let out a cry, this ancient goddess.

‘No! I just need. I just want. I want to serve. I don’t want to go back. ‘

‘Back where, sweetie?’

‘Back to who I was before. Please, Sir, let me come. Fucking just please let me.’

‘Language, young lady.’

He watched her, her pink toy resting on her clit, the nipple clamps stretching her nipples out across their space together.

She slipped the toy inside, gasping at the action, licking her lips. Despite his order to not come, he let her go, watched with a strange satisfaction at her attempt to bring herself close.

‘Sweetie…’

She grunted, possessed, pumping the toy swiftly in and out. She was muttering under her breath, focused and feral.

‘Sweetie!’

Still, she ignored him.

He struck her across her nipples and stilled himself. It seems she was inside his mind as much as he was inside hers.

She stopped her hand, looking up at him with a grin so mischievous he wanted to strangle her. But to do that would be to lose control. And she wasn’t going to have that satisfaction.

‘Ten more minutes before you can come now.’

‘What?!’

Outrage.

‘Fifteen.’

‘Sir, no – Please. I…’

‘Twenty. You were saying?’

She sulked, a bit of a pout, a face built just for him. ‘Yes, Sir.’

She began again.

Cherish Her

Earn her respect.

Earn her trust.

Realise that she is not just a body meant to be offered up for your own fulfilment but that she has a heart, and she has a mind. Any imperfections are beautiful in their own right.

Furthermore, she chooses to give her mind, body and heart to you. YOU. Do you understand how important that is? How mind-blowing that is?

It’s not as simple as the leader at works becoming a willing slave behind closed doors. It’s not as simple as seeing what underwear she chooses to wear, or the way she feels against you.

Something so guarded and sacred and raw is being shared. This communion, this dark communion, is all for you, a gift from her mind. Either absolute or as much as she can give to you at this point in time.

Do not scold her when she falls, fails or forgets. Be a friend. A mentor.

Remind her gently. Teach her. Teach her for as long as it takes, give her as much as you can and forever be patient.

You are blessed, for she has her trust in you. She has let you into her inner world, something she maybe has fought to restore for years, something she has been challenging herself to do, something she might feel shame about.

Cherish her raw persona. Nurture it. Encourage her in her own life, in her own experiences, to seek what she truly wants, to be the best she wants for herself. Hold her when she falls and carry her dreams when she wavers.

I am in awe of those who submit. I am in awe of the teenager setting out for the first time, some I’ve had the distinct pleasure of crossing paths with, a wife putting her heart on the line to her husband, a mother putting aside her fears to explore for her own, the women hurt by their lovers, bravely trying again.

We Belong

I was always afraid I’d never fit in, you know? I’d say that’s a bit of social anxiety, maybe just casual worry – but I’ve always been an odd sort. I have a dry sense of humour, I use my words weirdly and my quietness seems to go either way, confusing folks or intriguing folks.

I’ve had many encounters over my life where people would call me strange, either in humour or in downright rejection. It’s created this perception in me that I’m an acquired taste, which I realise happens to everyone and that would mean everyone’s an acquired taste, but I still sometimes take it to mean I’m being singled out, that I am just, plainly put, really fucking weird.

On my good days, I embrace this. It is what it is – and those that stick by me are the ones that the universe meant to be for me. On my bad days, I slip into reflective shitty mode where I doubt myself – doubt, the mind killer.

My interest in BDSM complicated this at first. It gave me more things to question – to doubt. I started to feel like even more of an outcast, wondering where I belong.

BDSM eventually wound up healing me too. In fact, I would say it strengthened me. My interest in it, in D/s dynamics, forced me to look at myself, to sit down with myself and accept all the different parts of myself and eventually got them all to agree to fuse back together with me, the original.

The thing is, ladies and gents, no matter how strange you may seem to yourself, I can promise you the reality is vastly different. You do belong, you will be accepted, you have it in you to fuse together like I eventually did.

Don’t let the fear of being different pull you from your life – embrace it. Because lemme tell you something, it’s a thing of beauty to be different, to view the world in a different lens, to challenge yourself where others don’t, to walk the untrodden trail, to ask the questions others might not.

More importantly, what is normal anyway? It’s relative. It’s different, person to person. Find the things that make you happy and never look back to the crowd.

How I Knew I Was A Daddy Dominant

When talking about my feelings as someone who identifies as a Daddy, the one question that usually comes up first is – How did you know you were a Daddy-type?

I tell these people but I’ve told you guys and gals, probably time and time before, but the other day, it really hit me. Like, smacked-in-the-face-here’s-your-epiphany levels of realisation.

I felt I was a Daddy-type the evening I looked into the eyes of my kitten on a particularly anxious evening for her, her eyes wide and terrified. Looking at her, I knew in that moment, I felt in that moment this grand desire to wrap my arms around her and pull into our little created realm of security. And that I would fight for her own restoration of balance until I was exhausted – and then, even more.

I understood in that moment, you see. And looking back, I wonder just how this memory escaped me if it was so pivotal. Maybe in all the un-organised thoughts in my brain, it sat waiting to be processed. Maybe I forgot, not a strange occurrence with me. I have the unfortunate ability of forgetting birthdays, appointments and other moments.

Maybe I just felt it then, put it on a pedestal to place in my snow globe of memories, but forgot to file it under Relationship. I can’t say.

Acting and feeling as a Daddy has long been gestating within me. It was with me there roughly as a teen, when I was writing about and acting out Incest related fantasies and roleplay. It was there when I understood that the dynamic wasn’t simply about incest at all, it was about the way two souls engage and respond and react to one another. It was there when I reached out to my lady’s friends when I could sense their sadness, just to see if I could help, even though I knew it would potentially label me as weird or could cross unforeseen boundaries. It was even there when, in my travels as a twenty-something lad, I came across a teenager who tried flirting with me. I stopped her and talked to her and found out so much more – her home life was hectic, her future was troubling her. I happen to be there for the reaction to all this. And I wanted to shed light on this.

I guess it’s always been with me, developing with me and within me, maturing with me and even maturing ME. Like I’m the host and it’s this is some symbiotic relationship.

I’ve had strange thoughts at times. Fleeting thoughts. Through some strong bonds, I’ve come to regard friends as a sister or a brother. In rare cases, such as with my lady, I’ve felt the need to talk to her as a Dad, as she were my little girl.

I wonder if it’s a biological thing? I don’t have any children. We don’t plan to. So maybe this is nature’s way of stepping forth and making up for any absence of that role within me. I don’t know. I’m not sure.

To the man or woman wondering where they lie in the grand scheme of things, if they wonder if they feel themselves moving towards baby girl or Daddy, know this: Don’t feel shame. Don’t feel fear. There is nothing wrong with you, or your thoughts or your desires or your dreams or your fantasies. Don’t let the fear stop your own progress or education into what it means and certainly don’t give up. You’ve got what it takes.

If you need to talk, I’m an email away!