What Is The D/s Dynamic?

It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.

 

With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.

 

 

The D/s Dynamic

The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.

Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. Each partner has something within them, a longing if you will, that is something beautiful and psychological.

 

Dominance

The Dominant cannot expect the submissive to bend to his / her will. If they think that is Dominance, they are false. A good Dominant is a compassionate teacher, one willing to be patient and to guide and instruct and, above all, to love.

The Dominant is the protector of the submissive. Personally, I want to say Guardian – or Gatekeeper, as each role in the dynamic takes on a lovely, almost mythic quality.

What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.

 

Submission

 I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.

A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.

Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.

Established Boundaries

 When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.

Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.

A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.

 

And Now, A Personal Example…

 At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.

I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.

 Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.

Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.

So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Dominant’s Growl #10

Are you a natural Dominant or are you a learned one? Or both?

I would probably say I began as a natural Dominant, because I can remember it coming to me out of blue during interactions with an old girlfriend of mine.

I had no idea where it came from or why. Well, if I had to guess why, I would say this particular lady was a lady of mischief. And there was resistance there that came out sexually, which – luckily for me – she responded to. If she didn’t, I’d imagine I would’ve caught the train home and listened to some angst ridden metal band that I worshipped as a teen. (Note to self: Is metal an aphrodisiac? Part joking, part curious).

ANYway, the other half would be that I taught myself the kind of Dominant I wanted to be, the kind of partner I would be interested in, and the rules and regulations that I need on my own life to keep me sane.

And I guess I knew I was growing as a Dominant – and as an adult, really – because it suddenly wasn’t just about my needs. I had started to wonder about the needs and mindset of a submissive. I developed a desire to nurture, which is why I repeatedly offer counsel here..

If you’re skimming – allow me to surmise: I started off feeling natural thoughts but through my experience and encounters with submissive women, I learned. I made mistakes and recovered from them.

What have you learned about yourself in the past year that surprises you?

It would be my desire to nurture.

Even as a Dominant, I’m always anxious to make sure my role is keeping things for my kitten well and in tact so that she is happy and fulfilled and loved.

I do this because I’m scatterbrained. It’s easy for me to get lost in my mind, like some sort of weird wonderland labyrinth. And my kitten is kind of this centrepoint of my world that keeps my feet on the ground.

So I guess the more our relationship goes on, the more I’m finding how deep this love runs. It’s like…falling in love all over again and wanting to protect but not protect too much that it’s overbearing.

So to sum it up, I’ve discovered I like to take care of her, and I’ve discovered I like to help others as best I can as well. Which is why I talk a lot about that Daddy side within me. Is that making any sense?

Sensory Overload

All it takes is for her to duck into the lounge room where I’m resting, completely nude, in all her mesmerising glory, to grab a head band for her bath —
And my mind is transported away.
She is chained to the bedroom, completely naked, her arms and legs spread apart.

There’s a bag over her head. Something new. Me being sadistic by toying sensory deprivation. She won’t be able to see. She won’t be able to quell any concern with a kiss. How long should I leave her with the bag on? Perhaps when the air runs low, when her mind is dazed, I could bring her to the brink of her orgasm — and as my mouth rests over her cunt, my tongue teasing her clit with small licks, I can remove the bag.

And as her senses rush back to her, her body seizes with all the power of an orgasm. 
The dizziness of the air rushing back to her melds with her pleasure. Maybe it’ll catapult her senses sky high. Maybe she might be elated. Soaring high into a space that’s beyond the norm but not beyond my reach.
I could bring her back with a gentle hug, soft words – and the reminder that I am in charge of her. And all that she is. 
And then I’m back in the lounge, a grin forms across my lips. I know just what to do. 

Do Not Be Afraid Of Who You Are

I’ve been in the lifestyle for a number of years – 12, technically. And yet, a number of those were me wandering in the dark scared of my own desire. Fearful of who I was. 
I’m much better now, with an open dialogue between the various aspects of my personality. But I still struggle. Whenever I am about to post, I am scared initially. Scared that one day, one thought will go too far. One story will be too rough. Or weird. 
I mean, I’ve written about sea creatures and vampires and sex cults and you guys are still here. But I still worry. 

And so today, I want to talk about fear.
For some, it starts at the beginning of your journey. You have a thought so effective that it scares you because of how you perceive it – that it’s weird or demented or troubling. 
Maybe it’s not just a thought, maybe it’s a mindset. A rape fantasy. A bondage fantasy. Maybe you’re a masochist and you’re trying to understand why you like sadistic concepts. 
Running from that thought won’t work. I tried. I ended back at square one face to face with the thought. And I’d feel guilty.
The trick, I think, is to begin to rewire your outlook. Day by day, steal a moment to yourself and think about what scares you. Remind yourself you’re not alone. That it’s okay to be the way you are.
For me, it was a long and slow process. I signed up to Fetlife. I challenged myself with nude photos. I dived into the local conversation. And day by day, I’d take a moment to read about it, in books, online. 
I think because I always kept the door open to learn, that eventually it became second nature to me. I felt okay being this weird mix of Daddy / Master / Primal.
Even though that’s my story and everyone is different, I feel like the keeping the door open notion is useful. Don’t run from it, keep one foot in the door and one foot in your comfort zone until you are ready to take a wander through entirely.
What we feel, who we are, is natural. It’s what makes us beautiful. Whether you’re interested in bestiality, like an old friend of mine once was, or whether you’re laying in bed married but out of sorts with your spouse. 
The first step is admitting these thoughts are okay. Are your own. The next step is up to you. You might fall or stumble but you’re stronger then you realise. You’ll be okay.
If you need help taking that initial step, if you want to run by a desire just to hear someone else let you know it’s perfectly fine, if you are confused, whatever the reason, you’re not alone. My email – my door – is always open.
Don’t be afraid to step through. 

One Morning: Non-Fiction

“What are you doing? My mum’s going to be over any minute now”It began as an early morning cuddle in bed.

Kitten snuck in while I was dozing and wanted to curl up for a moment before grabbing a coffee with her mum. 

And yet, as I awoke, so did something else in me, something primal.

We didn’t last long cuddling before I began kissing her neck and sliding my hand down her pyjama shorties. 

To my surprise, the little girl was absolutely soaked. So soaked that I could slide my finger in and finger in.

She resisted, you know that? “(Name retracted)!” She cried. “No! I’ve got to get ready!”

I started running my thumb along her clit.

“No, stop. She could be here any minute. You know she’s always early”

“You’re coming” was all I said, I believe. I’m not entirely sure.

 At that, she resigned herself to her fate. It was like my order, or the clarity in my voice, was enough to set her still. She laid there quietly.

Kitten was reduced to a quivering moan, soft and unlike her normal speaking voice.

We laid in silence as I worked her clit, circularly and then across her slit, until she spoke out of the silence.

“Will you make love to me?”

I was hard from her moans, from the fact that she was soaking her cute little shorties.

We undressed in silence and gently, I climbed onto of her. 

There’s a rare thing that happens when we make love. I can’t quite put my finger on it, except to say that it has never lost its appeal. Everything is still magical, from undressing her to sliding my cock inside her and feeling how bad she has it for me. 

We make love to the symphony that is our moans and soon she comes once. Then again. And another time, before I give her a chance to breathe.

As we lay there, satisfied, me somehow still holding it together despite being with a goddess, she asks me one small thing.
Can I use my toy, Sir?

I answer yes and her smile lights up the room. She loves to play for me, with me, and I love to watch her enjoy the toy I hand picked myself.
I must admit, I feel pride there. I know what she likes. I know how she likes to come. This toy gets her there. 

Together we play, side by side, in complete harmony, me edging while sucking on her tits. First I suck gently, then I bite a little hard. I alternate between her nipples, giving one a break so it becomes less sensitive and more equally built up to breaking point.

It’s my call to kneel above her and come on her tits and my god, it feels fucking amazing. I empty my load on her, my masterpiece and she can only lick her lips as she reaches her own orgasm. Her fourth. Or was that fifth? I can’t recall now. 

But isn’t she a good girl? Waiting for her Sir to come before she comes herself? Haven’t I taught her well? 

I think about this as we lay side by side, looking at each other. 

It’s then I can’t help myself: I tell her – next time, don’t resist me.

She grins and goes to shower before her mother comes over. 

30 Days of Dominance – Day #3: How Do You Know You’re Dominant?



Day 3 – How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?
When I first started being Dominant, I didn’t have a name for it. I just was this way in the bedroom. And as I went on into my twenties, I realised that wasn’t enough.

This is where I learnt that I was Dominant. Because I wanted this control beyond being sexual, because I wanted to dress her, collar her, degrade, humiliate, nurture. But I couldn’t. I was in a purely vanilla relationship heading on the path of pure normalcy. 

I know I am Dominant because when I couldn’t fulfil these desires, I became anxious. I became pent up, aggressive, depressed. I actually changed as a person. I became moody and quick to temper.
And I knew I was Dominant because when that relationship fell through and I had time to reflect and to experience my Dominance through the newly found Fetlife, which I’m still part of in a minor capacity if you wonder, it clicked. It was more than just needing release, it was something larger than that.
And when I expressed this all to my now girlfriend (kitten), then my friend of eight or so years, I realised the desires I had to do all these was real. Was more important than I realised. 
So how do I feel when Dominant? Alive, primal, animalistic, on fire, electrified, highly sensitive, sexual, sensual, intense. I feel like things are right. I feel like I made right choices to be here, with her. Sometimes I wonder how I got to this point, where I was out of my long term vanilla relationship and into this beautiful spot because It’s surreal and maddening and a dream. 

What Does It Mean To Be Dominant?


What does it mean to be Dominant? 
Being Dominant, to me, means to live with this insatiable desire to take control – of a scenario, of a submissive. It means to crave something deeper on a psychological level, on a raw level. A human connection, bonded by a unique level of trust, a love for kink and a desire to explore what makes us human. What makes us tick.
You see, it’s craving control of a submissive – but that means so many things. I crave to guide, to teach, to be a dad, to see her dress how I want, to fuck how I want, to care for her in my way. It means being a teacher, a lover, a friend, a father and soul mate.
It’s not just about a love for spanking, degradation, nipple clamps and bondage. It’s about the desire to know the submissive in a way that no one has ever known before. Think about what means for a moment – to explore what makes her human, what makes her a submissive, what makes her WANT. 
It’s about reaching deep down within her psyche, finding what that means or how that feels, and absorbing her. Every part of her mind, body and spirit. 
It’s about taking all of that and protecting it, like a knight, one that, in my case, definitely has chinks from my battles with my demons. 
And just so I’m clear, it’s not about seeing a submissive purely as an object. Not for me. I want to express, in my eyes, that the lifestyle comes with a romanticism there. Not only the desire to protect her but the desire to know her beyond any capacity she or I have experienced. I have great affection for the basic notion that is worshipping her, guiding her, protecting her and to fulfil her through my Dominant personality. 
It’s not about being an alpha. I’m not an alpha, I don’t feel like an alpha. To society, I’m you’re quiet guy, guarded and silent. I don’t dominate conversations, I don’t lead at work. I lead her. By the leash, by the collar.
I don’t want a regular relationship, I want the deeper feelings, the raw and intense encounters, the exposure for me and her that comes with that trust. 
I guess what I’m trying to say is that what being dominant means for me is to explore my humanity. To explore why I am the way I am, but also to live with the lifestyle, almost in a symbiotic relationship, because it needs me and I need it. Without it, I’m edgy. I’m lost, I’m angry and depressed. With it, I have balance. Harmony.