On Inexperience, Writing & Self-Exploration

I’ve been pondering about a question that came my way…gosh, a few months ago now I think? Time has been weird lately – but it was about whether someone who is new to BDSM could write about it, fictional or otherwise, successfully? Or have it be correct in any way?

I’ve been thinking about experience a lot – when it comes to BDSM. I’ve been in a bit of a teacher / mentor mood, I guess, because someone new to the lifestyle wrote in to me and expressed frustrations about being ghosted by a potential Dom due to a lack of experience.

I can’t say I agree with that reasoning but I certainly understand how one could come to think like that. But I digress.

I think that when it comes to writing about BDSM, it’s important to trust in where your mind wants to go, do you understand? Because when you put pen to paper, you ignite your mind. You form a sentence. Then another one. Then you create a paragraph.

Or you don’t. Instead, your heart’s a mess and so is your writing. But it’s down, it’s on the screen or the page and you’ve trapped it. Whatever is in your head is there, frozen in time. A symbol of YOU.

What I’m saying is – writing is cathartic. And through exploring it, you’ll find pieces of your self, through which you night learn some truths about your tastes.

And if you want to write about a specific moral scenario – a rape fantasy, say – do what feels right to you. It’s only a fantasy. But if that’s not enough, write your thoughts on it in a seperate file or page. Explore how you feel about whatever it is you are confronting. Hell, ask the community. Ask me, my door is open.

Regardless of inexperience. Or shyness.

Writing…whether you want to and you’re either a dominant or a submissive or both, it’s about discipline. It’s about sitting down and confronting structure. Not just of words but of your mind. So find a time in the day to write 300 words. Do it again the next day. Leave each break on a moment you are excited to come back to. In a week, you’ll have a decent chunk of the story or your thoughts out.

As for that pesky experience thing, that’s another realm of variables. What if you are knowledgable enough about BDSM but aren’t in a circumstance to explore physically to gain more of an understanding of your wants and needs?

The best answer I have for that is one that might not be to your interests. When I was alone – a lonely dominant, I guess you could say, I peered into the depths of my sexuality. I explored and became comfortable with nudity. I explored my pain threshold, my comfort with verbal degradation. I found new ways to heighten masturbation. Little things that excited and stimulated my mind.

Everybody is different though and to that, one must find what works for them. But still, I think there are things you can do to gain experience.

Please don’t let shyness deter you. Or your writing. Or your self-exploration. Or from reaching out to a friend, the community, a Dom or sub or even me. There’s no easy way to say this but you’re going to have to jump into that pool if you want to write or to reach out. And just like coming up for air after that plunge, it all feels a little bit better after you jump.

Seriously though. You’ve got this.

Let’s Talk About The Erotic Melodrama – 365 Days (2020)

This is my conversational two cents on the freaking No. 1 most watched or streamed movie in Netflix Australia currently — the Italian / Polish Erotic Drama 365 Days.

First off, you can thank TUMBLR – OF ALL PLACES – for bringing this to my attention. They say they have gone SFW but plenty of sex and nudity and female-presenting-nipples get through somehow, which is where I found a user recommending this to the dominant behind their own blog-thing.

I’m intrigued. So I googled it – man kidnaps girl and gives her 365 days to fall in love with him. You have my attention, go on. Oh it’s Italian? This could be different. It’s on Netflix? Okay, let me watch it right now. Stop everything, universe, I must see this.

And here’s the thing about 365 days. Its two leads are gorgeous people, man and woman, its sex, hilariously framed to intrusive and loud electro-pop and power ballads, is kiiiinda sexy, with some fun set pieces, and it’s plot is your typical, pretty formulaic sex fantasy. Very much Mills and Boon.

If anything, it’s very much this big Italian soap opera — with sex. Which is a lot of fun, especially when the film reveals it does have a sense of humour. I like that. All this sounds amazing in itself, right? But like, I can’t not approach things from a writers perspective – and here, character development is minimal and unbelievable, dialogue can be pretty bad and the plotting is just your typical fantasy fluff. It doesn’t even get that kinky outside one or two sequences. Although, props to Laura’s best friend Olga being a voice of reason as Laura starts to fall for Massimo.

I will say this – the two leads embody their roles really well…but both roles have very thinly-drawn development. There’s personality to them but not a whole lot of depth. There doesn’t have to be some grandly plotted yarn here but for a premise so dark and twisted, I would’ve liked to have that psychological component here to be developed. I would’ve liked to have been challenged more.

If all this sounds like your jam, if you can get by on it, all the power to you. I mean that genuinely. You’re not even alone because freakin’ Australia seems to be gobbling it up. Do we love a good sex movie? Are we deprived? What’s going on, guys?

I was on board for the soap opera fun and sex scenes filmed like a music video to the pop music this production team really wants you to buy. I like myself a gangster drama normally.

But…it’s pretty average. Watchable but average. I have definitely seen far worse but I have definitely seen far better and sexier and kinkier.

On Being Dominant

How does one be dominant? That’s what I’m asked from time to time – and to be honest, I’m not really sure how to go about talking or writing about it.

I could tell you being dominant is about command and control and communication, that it’s not just about throwing your voice or using your eyes or practising body language, it’s about this sort of intricate dance between two minds that reaches into a non sexual boundary.

But I feel like there’s more to it than that.

This brings me to something a reader raised to me back in February – the age old question but placed towards BDSM – are Dominants / Submissive’s made or born?

I answered — both. But I think that one that can be made has to have that drive there, that interest and taste and chemical x to feel dominant and be dominant. But that, of course, goes off into yet another tangent because what is a matter of muscle and sinew and soul TO ME could very well be just a fun act FOR ANOTHER because from we are all different and beautiful and compelling in our own way.

One could definitely master (no pun intended) being a dominant – as a mask, in the bedroom, through the use of his or her own skills. But everyone has that different approach.

I don’t know how I’m dominant. It comes in a heartbeat, in something I say or the way I act. It comes in my wants and needs and in my dreams. It, apparently, can be apart of my charm. I don’t know, I am only going off of my own personal experiences from my past years here.

Did I practice this in a mirror? No. A lot of the dominant I am currently was shaped by the conversations I’ve had with my lady, my submissive. What was right, what was wrong – where I was naive or just straight up goofy sexually.

Before my kitten but after my marriage fell through, there was that scorching stretch of land between where time stood still. I found myself on Fetlife where I befriended people in the community, that – to my dumb struck face – responded to whatever was in me and coming out of me. I don’t understand it.

This was where I learned there really was something in me, that I wasn’t crazy. You see, my path to being dominant was spiritual in a way. I had to learn right from wrong and grow but there was rawness to it. Which, evidently, is part of my Fetlife name – Raw. Ahem. Anyway.

I want to tell the budding dominant reading here that it’s a matter of controlling voice and body language in yourself, that it’s a matter of attuning yourself to the needs of your submissive and being able to connect to their wave length on a physical and emotional level. I want to say it’s about knowing when to lead and when to listen.

More than this, I want to say that it’s about feelings and emotions. What do you feel? Why do you feel this? Think on it, stay with it. Cook it dinner in the evenings. Learn what you feel and come to understand how your way of thinking fits into the etiquette of a D/s relationship or BDSM play.

I don’t even know if it’s about a role, right? Because for me, it’s something so primal that it feels embedded in my skin and nerves. It’s a part of me. It comes sporadically and naturally and if you’re like me, listen to that gut feeling.

It might feel like holding onto the power of the sun but hold onto to it anyway. Because you are the captain of your own being and you can shape this raw energy into something. It might take some time, it might be instant, I don’t know you, but you have got this.

The last thing I want to say is this – you cannot possibly expect to know everything overnight. You cannot possibly expect to never fall or fail or make mistakes. This is how you learn, this is how you grow – and with every growth there is growing pains.

Let’s do a June Q/A!

Ladies and gentleman,

Long time readers and occasional lurkers,

How are you? I am well, all things considered. I wanted to write and let you know that I’m here and working on things to put on this here blog- which is one reason why I’ve been more quiet than usual.

I want to do a Q/A. So if you have anything you’d like to ask me, be it a take on something, about my writing or even the lifestyle in general, you are welcome to write in the comments below or in an email, which is always open and I’ll put up responses here and to you as well!

You are not a burden, a pest or a bother. I am always happy to chat away – man or woman or nationality. We are all in this together!

One Of Those Days

Hello!

I’m still alive.

Readers – long time or lurkers – I’m having one of those days, and I’m in one of those moods, where the fantasy of the ages is pulling some poor unfortunate soul down to her knees by her hair and fucking her mouth relentlessly till I’m spent or she chokes – on cock or cum, I care not.

I can almost hear the squeaking walls of the shower, her muffled moans as she gets her mouthful. I can feel slithers of saliva on my shaft, a desperate ache in my balls. I know I have a load to give her and I want it to dribble out her lips. Maybe she’ll greedily snatch a drop with her darting tongue, maybe she’ll let it run to her tits. She’s done that before. She likes to let it pool across her nipples.

I can picture our red faces, the unstoppable panting, the strands of hair stuck to foreheads in sweat. Both of us completely and utterly spent, our bodies aching, our souls purged, our inner dark beasts satiated for the time being. They’re hibernating now, going into a deep slumber.

I Will Write You Back

I got an email today from someone stating that weren’t sure if they would hear back from me.

And I get it – this is the Internet, I could be any guy – a greasy douchebag, a right wanker, unconcerned with readers.

But I don’t like that sort of behaviour. I’m grateful for anyone and everyone that reads me, even if it’s handed down to them from a friend like a well-worn novel. I welcome any and all to write in to me, to chew the fat, ask a question, vent – especially in these COVID-19 times where quarantine shakes dynamics and our inner Dominant or Submissive selves.

So yes, I will respond to you and answer your emails. Do not feel ashamed or embarrassed because I promise you I understand those feelings and will get back to you.

If you have not heard from me, write again. Chances are I’m a silly scatterbrained or – and this happens far too much for my tastes – your email has gone to the junk folder for some reason. I don’t know how or why – I’m not that technologically advanced. But if you don’t hear from me, it’s not on insidious terms or me ignoring you.

From Australia with love,

TD&D

BDSM Social Media and Our Own Anxieties

I was scrolling along Fetlife the other day and a thought occurred to me of how awkward it can be for newcomers to make friends or meet someone or even work up the courage.

I mean, that shit is hard enough without the BDSM interests and desire to converse with others in the lifestyle, not to mention the interests in wanting to put yourself out there but finding yourself frozen.

Fetlife can be a great way to get to know others and to get involved in the community but it certainly can be awkward at first, especially if you’re like me and can be incredibly anxious in social situations and so forth. Or just straight up shy.

A good thing to remember is to go at your own pace. You can push yourself in tiny increments but only if you feel comfortable talking in the group settings or going to munches or other such events.

If you feel overwhelmed with it all, do not feel bad or silly or like you can’t ever be kinky. Some have those thoughts – I know I did – but it’s important to recall that we all grow in our own ways at different times.

If you’re ever unsure about what you want or what is proper etiquette when it comes to being spoken to or speaking to someone – there are communities out there that can be helpful. Reddit has a good community for this, with its own BDSM sub-reddit for advice. There are still some small communities across Instagram, Twitter and Tumblr – even post-infinity snap.

Working on or identifying what is making you feel anxious or inferior or weird can help you feel a bit more confident. Tell yourself that what you are thinking and feeling is okay and has certainly been thought of before, by those around you and long before you too. Make a habit of it.

Me? I did it with nude selfies. I felt unattractive (still do at times) and I fought it – and my guilt at liking kink – by putting up nude selfies and experimenting with risky photos of myself. It helped boost my confidence.

Take it from a guy that grew up in a severe, sexually repressed and conservative catholic household and now has the time of his life with rape fantasies. You’re going to feel guilty, weird and insane but don’t let those feelings own you. They will fluctuate and pass. See it as you’re exploring a fantasy within safe parameters.

Keeping a journal can be a productive way of keeping track of your thoughts – or of trapping them to the page where you can digest them and reflect upon them. Writing your thoughts down can lead to truth and clarity. Sometimes it’s good to just write a fantasy, even if you can’t write well, just give it a go and see where you end up. All of this made me feel a bit more peaceful and a bit less chaotic and maybe it’ll help you too.

Maybe Fetlife or other social aspects of the BDSM community isn’t for you and that’s fine. I don’t go to munches or events because it’s not really my thing. People are wired differently.

But if social anxiety or doubt or insecurity is gnawing at you and you want to drop into these things, just remember you can take baby steps to challenge yourself and no one will judge you for it. You are the captain of your own soul.

Late Night Little Musings

One of the things I love dearly about writing this blog are the people it’s brought into my life for whatever reason.

I don’t feel qualified to answer questions, partly for self doubt, the killer of dreams, and partly because I still feel like I’m learning myself and thus young myself. But I like to help because sometimes I can see myself in some who write in. And sometimes I just like to help.

Some people I’ve made friends with, exchanged emails back and forth, others I talk to for a time before they feel confident to go fight on their own and I don’t hear from them again or I occasionally get an update.

Sometimes someone gets in touch and we talk a bit on and off and then I never hear from them again. I get that though. Life is distracting, busy. You gain confidence, you lose confidence. Your work, your routine, even your own thoughts get in the way of you reaching out.

I feel that because I’m still working on a way to not be so physically unable to check in with people in my own life. I know that relentless inability to take that step – and it’s maddening.

Sometimes it’s something and sometimes it’s nothing. Either that makes sense or quarantine is affecting my brain – amongst other things.

Just know my email is always open and operative. You’re not a burden, you’re not a bother, you’re not in the wrong place and you’re always welcome so long as you have that need to talk.

I’ll be here if or when you’re ready should that day come!

BDSM In The Time Of Coronavirus, Part II

Being a writer that thinks faster than I can jot down the words means that I don’t think of everything I really want to say in a blog post – and that was the case for my most recent blog post BDSM IN THE TIME OF CORONAVIRUS.

I didn’t account for long distance relationships, for instance, or how one might feel if their partner is considered – what we say here in Australia, I’m not sure if it’s a term worldwide – ‘essential’ in their job when their own job is non essential. My job, for instance, is non essential but my kitten’s is essential. Thankfully she works at home though.

I think in these times it is important to try not to let panic win out. It’s terrifying out there, especially knowing there are people out there that don’t practice social distancing or that there are rabid panicking folk out there. It’s important to not freak about how your partner may perceive you.

I don’t know if I feel comfortable saying I’m a BDSM Mentor but I know I like to Mentor. I’m not qualified in psychology but I like to help people and be there for people – to talk or lend an ear or listen. So I guess what I could say is to be kind to one another, to be mindful of each other’s space – which, if you’re living together, you no doubt already are. Agh! There’s too many variables in this equation!

What helps me is finding ways that relaxes both the dominant mind and the submissive mind. What that manifests is depends on the person. But it could involve a creative task like writing out fantasies, it could involve a consensual non consent setting – anything that relaxes the mind to that individual, it’s worth looking at in incorporating in what down time you have.

And if things fluctuate and neither party is interested in BDSM, that’s perfectly fine too. These are really crazy times for everyone. I know I’ve been fluctuating between being tired and stressed and raging dominant horndog. You’re human. If it’s playing with your mind, just try to remember it’s not a reflection on you or your relationship. This is new territory for everyone.

Love and God bless to all. Know I’m a twitter message or an email away if you’re stressed or need talking down to from anxiety. We’re all in this together.

Okay! Back to kinky fuckery. I have a brooding, weird story I’m slowly working on. Think gothic, romantic and just weird. Hopefully you like it.

BDSM In The Time Of Coronavirus

Hello there, ladies and gents! How are you in your part of the world? How are you feeling personally? If you’re in a D/s relationship, how are the two of you? Or more?

For some people, self isolation and quarantine is not much of a challenge at all. My twitter can attest to the kinky fuckery that continues in some of your households.

I, myself, am an introvert and worked from home anyway so it’s not much of a difference, except for the fact of what’s going on the outside running through my head.

But now that my lady is working from home, our dynamic, while there, has shifted in little ways. Little ways but different all the same. For starters, there’s the fact that she’s extroverted and enjoys being sociable and working from home is weird for her on so many levels.

For me, as a dominant, it’s challenging because I’m suddenly apply thinking in ways I normally wouldn’t. I’m not talking setting scenes in different parts of the house – that’s always been in my depraved mind – but in ways to help soothe her soul, her restlessness.

It helps to be cheeky. It helps to take some of that wild spirit within you and sprinkle it throughout the week, you know? A cheeky caress here, a sly reminder there. Remind each other of what exists between you but don’t overwhelm, especially if your work from home becomes overwhelming itself.

But what then? Let’s see. Could you shake up the established rule even more? Try something you’ve never tried sexually, if such a thing exists? What sort of tasks can you create? If you’re a dominant and you want to set a writing task, what topic of choice could you make it? Where can you dance and explore when things are limited to your own home.

It becomes a Theater of the mind – and not just for couples but for those who are single or not yet where they want to be as either a dominant or submissive.

In any case, writing can help centre the mind – be it fantasies, aspirations or musings. Writing can help shed light, can help fill your moments with colour. It can help soothe the soul.

If writing is not your jam, there are other things to consider. What are some things you want to explore? Or work on within yourself? Even setting daily goals – be it a mantra to recite or to finally get around to that thing you keep putting off can make yourself feel good.

It’s going to be hard and it will require some discipline for either yourself or your partner to think of ways to satisfy these sides of yourself but it can be done, even in the comfort of your home – pleasure room or no.