Negative Thinking and Me

It’s always surreal when a reader or a lurker from the blog comments in on an old story and mentions I’m a good writer or that my words have helped them in some way.

Somewhere along the highway I’ve become predisposed to a negative outlook and am cautious to accept any positivity coming my way lest it leads me astray.

I realise that makes me a hypocrite in a way, not taking my own mental health advice to stay positive, but isn’t that the way with some of us? So eager to help and put faith in others and reluctant to take our own advice?

Last week I caught up with an old friend who I mentored in early 2017. It was a lovely chat, the kind where you feel like nothing has changed, you simply paused the conversation. Well, I had learned that the concepts I put forth to her had stayed with her. She had taken exercises I recommended, advice I had given, and still adopts these in her life daily.

I was, admittedly, a bit taken back. As a mentor, I figured I did help others in the moment but believed I would be of no more use after they grew. And then – see – came the negative thinking – who are you to lead? Who are you to teach? What can you possibly do? Maybe this is a fluke – I jumped from the positive to a negative.

I spoke to my dad about this on the weekend, my negative thinking. He says it’s part and parcel of the human condition but that you may grow out of it. I’m 31 now and I’m still interchanging positives and negatives depending on the day. Hm.

A favourite exercise of my kitten and one that some students I have helped mentor love is writing down three positive things that happened to you in your day to day life. Maybe I should practice that myself.

Food For Thought Fr-..er Sunday: Sexy Sounds!

How do you communicate pleasure? Are you a moaner, a groaner, a screamer or a sigher?

I would say I’m definitely a moaner and a groaner – just think of something deep and husky and low!

I’ll add to that one and say I’m a growler too. Biting her neck, nipples, pulling her hair – all of these things and more bring out a growl.

If you are with a partner, how do they like you to express pleasure? How do you like them to express theirs?

Kitten seems to enjoy my on-the-fly mumblings. I have a tendency to mumble moan obscenities when I’m lost within the scene or daze – just things like ‘oh fuck…’ quietly if we’re playing side by side together – or ‘fuck, you drive me insane.’ Basic talk I guess?

As for me, I love her to be her unabashed self – whatever that is – filthy, insatiable slut, little Slave, loud and unapologetic.

Aside from vocalisations expressing pleasure, what other sounds during sex add to the overall experience?

Oh many a-things! How wet she is, her little coos, the sounds of my cock slapping against her skin as I pound her and then it’s the little things – her breathing, the soft sounds of her pinching, pulling , twisting, flicking her own nipple. It’s her voice, possessed and unlike her ‘vanilla’ self, that says the most animalistic and beautiful things.

These writing prompts came courtesy of Food for Thought Friday, which you can find here!

We Are The Masters Of Our Own Fate

I was cleaning my MacBook and I stumbled across some old text messages that dated back before my relationship with my lady (Thanks, iMessage!) and one of the files was from a Fetlifer I befriended on my travels before losing contact – and something she expressed to me, which has since struck a chord again here in the future, was her pull of submission towards her ex, who, for whatever reason – maybe he was manipulating her, maybe he himself was trapped in that comforting yet vicious cycle, maybe they were working things out – felt that same animalistic pull.

Now I don’t want to seem like I’m focusing on the negative here, but something I have come to read a lot of, and occasionally sense first hand in relationships, some right before my eyes, is this dysfunctional relationship between a submissive and a dominant.

It could be a conscious thing. I have heard many stories of men, thinking they understand Dominance, abuse the power with malicious intent. I’ve heard of submissive women feeling trapped, either in their marriage to a controlling man or maybe they’re feeling different in a irreparable way, maybe it’s a man, stuck on how to express his feelings, either to his wife, or about his own sexuality, maybe he is unable to proceed with his dominance because the progress eludes him – the variables are endless.

The thing is…we are the captains of our own ship. We are the masters of our fate. Today may be a shit day but tomorrow may be better, if not a step towards being better. Something that people don’t realise, I certainly forget often, is — you’re in this for the long game. Progress takes time. You’ve got to fight like hell even when you feel you’re already there.

For submissive folk, don’t you ever feel weak. Realising you’re submissive takes great courage. Tapping into that submission takes great bravery. Exploring the aspirations of a submissive and it’s dynamic qualities takes tremendous strength.

Always remember that submission isn’t just simply obeying a dominant persona. It’s choosing a dominant persona. It’s granting access to your heart and mind. That takes guts, that takes a certain fearlessness. You should be proud of yourself.

For Dominant folk, remember that being dominant is so much more than protocol and order and sexual gratification, it’s love and trust and harnessing your mind – not just yourselves but the mind of your submissive. It’s about being tender, about being attentive and it’s about care. Here and now and in the future.

And if Dominance and submission is a one night thing, see it has tender and care and harnessing minds for that brief period. There’s still a moment that takes patience and respect into equation.

More importantly, and I speak to both dominants and submissives, don’t let someone walk over you. Don’t let someone boss you around. Don’t let your current situation, of destructive or helpless, put you down – because you can strive for a better future in which all is harmonious. And you can achieve that. It’ll take time, you may need to reboot your life, but you will survive so long as you believe in a positive future and in yourself.

You’ve got this.

Misconceptions On a D/s lifestyle

Something that I’ve been meaning to sit down and write about for a while is addressing newcomers on their one-foot-in-the-world of D/s dynamics and BDSM.

The common fear being addressed, that I’ve ever stumbled across in Wikis or have heard directly are misconceptions relating to BDSM or a specific dynamic.

Misconceptions

I know there’s a misconception that all people involved in BDSM are strange gothic creatures, the type you may meet in a Marilyn Manson music video.

But it’s wrong.

The people you will find interested in BDSM or a D/s relationship are normal, small-country town people. They could be your doctor or the clerk at the mall or the guy who rips your ticket at the cinema.

Yes, there are people who take it to extreme measures. But extreme measures can be found anywhere. Look at Comic-Con or animal lovers or healthy folk. The point is, extremes generally depend on the individual.

It’s Not Just About Sex

Sure, a large component about it IS sex, but that’s not all a D/s relationship is comprised of.

If we are open minded about the process, we can find great beauty in the mix, as well as understanding, patience and grace.

A D/s relationship can involve the most beautiful quiet moments, a magnificent level of trust, a connection so rich or even profound that it enriches anything else the couple interacts with.

I once spoke to a woman who was interested in the Daddy / little girl lifestyle but didn’t want to be associated with what she believed was the true nature of the relationship – the incestuous sex play.

The problem here was the misconception was shaping her view on it and D/s relationships in general because she must’ve seen a meme or read an article or heard something that misunderstood reasoning.

I had to say. No. A Daddy / little girl relationship, while yes – can include any incestuous roleplay – is primarily about the interaction between a Dominant and a submissive on a very gut level, almost primal, instinct.

It’s How You Feel

While it’s fantastic to read up on differing dynamics and what they mean – this can help iron out some knots in your mind – don’t view it as a strict definition of who you are as a person, because that can change.

Find what suits you best. Adapt. Customise. Change. Make it personal to fit yourself or who you are, because you need to be happy with that person.

And should there come a day where change is terrifying, remember – it’s okay to navigate new areas. One day I woke up and realised that, after all, there was a side to my personality I likened to that of a Master. I’m not strictly a Master, I’m a weird sort of a hybrid. And yeah, I copped flak from other Dominants due to their own perceived definitions, but you’ve got to make yourself happy. You’ve got to lead your own path.

Don’t Be Scared

You’re not going to lose yourself in the process of learning new things about yourself. Just try and think of it as going back to school, learning new units. I guarantee you that you’ll still be your old self, just maybe new and improved.

It may be scary to start a new main quest. It may feel like you’ll need to readjust your whole way of thinking. You may feel shame and fear and guilt, but in time that will pass..

Thinking Out Loud: Looking at Mental Health, BDSM and D/s Relationships

In my time of blogging, not to mention my own existential wanderings, I’ve come to realise that there is a relationship between those into BDSM and anxiety and/or depression.

The only thing I have had trouble understanding is the answer to the question – why?

Do these two things exist because of each other? Does one lead to the other? Is it through our development, whatever leads to the makings of anxiety in our mind or biological make up, that we become drawn to BDSM and Dominant / submissive relationships?

I’m not saying that you can’t have one without the other – you obviously can – but since opening my blog and talking to the gracious souls that wish to strike up a dialogue, a recurring theme I’ve seen is that anxiety and depression are threads that weave in and out of these lives.

I don’t know why. Sometimes I like to think it’s my anxious mind that helps me be kinder to the world and to partners and to people. Is that another connective tissue or am I simply being egotistical at this point? Questions upon questions.

Maybe I’m not qualified to even answer, or to write this article. I’m a writer, not a therapist. I merely think out loud.

I don’t know what to tell someone when they ask if their interest in BDSM is linked to a trauma that occurred early in their life. I can’t say, only offering to be a sympathetic ear and to gently remind them that practicing BDSM and D/s safely should not bring about any guilt.

I don’t think we’ll get all the answers. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe, so long as things are practiced in a healthy manner, so long as the individual’s state of mind is calm and in a positive state, maybe the why isn’t as important as the how.

In the end, what’s important is finding that sweet spot of living peacefully with your demons. Of safe environments in BDSM, of living with grief. Co-existing, you know?

Make time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Remember that living with a mental illness CAN be compatible with BDSM and a D/s relationship because the physical safety and mental well-being of those involved is a key factor and can be safely explored, with or without a partner.

When I began to actively explore BDSM and a D/s relationship, I didn’t know where I could stand. I often have so many thoughts that I need to have someone who can reassure me that things are okay, that they won’t tire of my questions or run out of patience. And I found my footing! And the same can happen for you!

No matter what has happened, we can come back from being knocked down. I have to believe that we can. Even in my worst days of panic.

Dominant Writing Prompts #1: On Love

I’ve been thinking of ways to keep the blog fresh and engaging and interactive, and so the internet led me to some DOMINANT PROMPTS that I am borrowing from dominantguide.com

Before I begin, I just want to say, if you have any prompts for a question or story, let me know. I’m happy to engage to get the mind active.

Is love different in D/s relationships compared to vanilla ones?

In a way. Love can be universal but we can express it differently in a D/s relationship.

We love our partner as anyone would but it takes on different forms that are expressed through different dynamics.

Using but one example, I lick sometimes to display affection. It’s a very primal thing that is shared between my kitten and I. It’s something that comes out in certain occasions.

So I think love tends to take shape according to the individual in the dynamic and the protocol within the dynamic.

Do Dominants and submissive’s love differently?

I believe their love is connected in that it can stem from a number of ideas, among them the need to lead and a need to be led, and come together in harmony. But I think the things that they are drawn to, while equal in strength, can be different.

That appeals to me, the reasons why. That difference. Maybe it does to others as well.

Have you experienced submissives falling in love faster than Dominants?

No. In my experience I have seen both Dominant and submissive types fall in love pretty quickly.

And while I haven’t done enough research into this, I would say it really depends on the individual and their personality and view on love.

Are there different ways of love in D/s?

Oh my word! Absolutely. From the Daddy / Mummy and his / her little to the Master and Slave to the primals and their pack of pups, there are plenty of different ways of expressing love, physical or emotionally.

That’s the beautiful thing about it, I find – the idea that with someone you hold dearest, you can safely explore the deepest part of yourself without fear and judgement. And that this deepest part of yourself can take on any form is the best realisation on this journey.

In 2018, You Will Be Alright

 

The D/s dynamic.

Master. Slave. Submissive. Dominant. Switch. Primal. New. Old. Divorced. Separated. Isolated.

No matter what you’re feeling, no matter where you are in life, 2018 will be okay for you.

It’s easy though feel fear approaching the new year. What have you achieved? Where are you going? How will you get there? What plan do you have?

The thing is, through hard work and determination, through taking one step at a time – no matter if they’re baby steps – you’ll be perfectly fine. It’s an old saying but it’s something that I found when I was at the lowest in my life – things have a way of working themselves out. What that means for you, time will tell – but things tend to fall into place.

But you can’t expect things to come to you. These things take work. Time. You have to want what you’re seeking. And some days you need to challenge yourself, cauterise the negative thinking and get out of bed.

The same goes for people new to the dynamic, new to exploring where they fit into all of this – whether you’re single and looking for the right partner, whether you’re in a marriage and trying to find the right balance –

All you need is patience, love and the drive to explore and educate. You may not feel up to it every day, some days it will be tough and overwhelming and you will feel like you are about to crash, but keep pushing, keep moving. Keep thinking this is just one day, tomorrow is a new start. A fresh start.

You can achieve anything. If I can, you definitely can.