My Growth As a Dominant

A few days ago (I think, the beginning of the year always feels like a non-linear sequence of events) I put out a Q/A type deal, just in case anybody new had questions or anybody wanted to ask something relating to a story or anything like that.

And a reader posed a question to me via email and it was a good one. I wanted to write about it on the blog because it’s something I’ve spoken about before – but not in depth.

Before I do though, I just want to say. If you’re reading this and you do have a question but feel like it’s too weird or personal to ask, just know that I really don’t mind – so far no one, in the years I’ve been writing this blog, has asked a question I haven’t been able to openly answer. So please, don’t fret if you’re out there and on the fence. I welcome it.

As for the question, it was in regards to my dominance. You see, the first dominant thing I experimented with was degradation and humiliation. It wasn’t spanking or cuffs or my belt or anything like that, it was this very raw, very psychological act.

The reader was interested as to why? Normally it’s the other way around – people start with a little light spanking or maybe a little dirty talk.

The answer is that it happened in a strange and organic way. My then-girlfriend and I, we just happened to be communicating via computer when our two sides seemed to awaken – and we experimented with every vulgarity then AND when we met up the next day.

Even when we realised something was happening between us, I don’t recall memories of spanking or bondage. Strangely, though, I do recall experimenting with exhibitionism, roleplaying, setting tasks and protocol and knife play. We seemed to jump right in the deep end of the pool, having sex outdoors or in cars, setting psychological tasks like masturbating loudly at home or risking getting caught or other aspects.

Why? I would say because we didn’t really know any better. We were 17 – young and dumb, excited about risk taking and the defined boundaries of BDSM – or BDSM safety were lost on us. We only had our sense of morality on what was right or wrong for us – and luckily we were safe through it all.

The things I have learned about myself, about what was right and what was wrong, about what I like, I have learned from encounters and friends in my twenties along the way. I have also learned to be a better man and a better dominant through my relationship with my kitten, who has helped me learn from any mistakes I make and who has been there to help me be more attentive and intuitive.

In Our Life

‘Hey hun?’

‘Mm?’

‘Where did the last of those biscuits go?’

I was a typical man foraging for sweets instead of a proper food.

‘I eated them.’

Behind closed doors, away from work, friends or family, I see someone else.

You might find it annoying, you might find that I, as a writer, lover of the written word, guardian of the prose, would find it annoying – but I don’t.

It’s interesting how different we are to one another, niceties slipping away, masks falling off to reveal the true face beneath.

Where work would hear ‘I ate them.’, I hear the little girl speaking through my kitten’s lovely voice, soft and smooth and sweet.

D/s and all its wonders, engrained into our life.

Just A Quick Note

As we wind down from New Years and head into the frightful unknown that is 2019, I wanted to say something that most of you probably know but is something we all forget.

I don’t know the details of your life – you could be a seasoned kinkster or a newcomer, married or single, in a relationship or dating – or even looking not knowing who to trust or what to do.

What I wanted to say is this — those that want to be in your life…will be in your life. They will make the effort.

Now, it’s more complicated than that, I know. Sometimes it may even require you meeting them halfway and owning any mistakes that you may or may not be responsible.

What I’m saying is that the people that find you shine to them will be there for you, heated debate or not, because it will be worth it to them. So don’t take these moments with granted, don’t misuse the gift of friendship.

More importantly, don’t forget that there is always someone that has your best interests and happiness and crazy sexy time oh wow – at heart.

My 2018 in Review

2018 was the beginning of many things for me – I had began an odyssey into a new career for starters and my lady and I moved deeper into our relationship, inside D/s and outside, about ourselves and how we relate to one another.

Then there was mentoring. Where once I was too shy and insecure to think that I, of all people, could mentor, Now I felt I could be of some assistance to people, new to the lifestyle or just looking for advice.

It was a year of maturity and of things in my life, me most of all, maturing.

Confidence grew in our relationship, in both of us, to be more vocal about our wants and needs. This came about by experiencing the daily grind of life – work and tiredness leading to forgetfulness, to personas leading to a vanilla week, which – while not terrible – was lacking for both of us. Which in turn led to truths and love deepening and strengthening and – Kink reigniting in the most explosive and passionate ways. It was a realisation that life and moods can fluctuate but that we were strong together, more now then ever.

Mentoring taught me lessons too. The most important of all, really, is that I can’t help everyone. I can only be there as much I can – that the rest is up to the individual or the couple.

I learned to teach and be informative in a way that was objective rather than personal. I had to be conscious that I wasn’t just being biased towards links or tastes, that I was speaking freely about all manners.

In turn I made a lot of wonderful acquaintances, some for a month before life’s distractions got in the way, others in the long term. All of them wonderful and lovely. Some as long as they needed.

Oh and I surprised myself. I discovered that teaching or helping or mentoring or being there is very important to me. That I may need it as much as the individual, that it speaks to my soul. I never felt impatient or bored, I felt ready to give my all. Sometimes I even felt Daddy-like, nurturing in a way. Eager to guide.

It’s true I’m still painfully awkward, but I do my best hoping I don’t sound like a creep or – worst case scenario – unhelpful.

So in the end, 2018 was about maturity for me, in myself and in my relationship and in other aspects of my life as well.

Where 2019 goes, I have no idea. I only hope it’s as filled with warmth and love as last year and that I continue to meet wonderful strangers, questions or no questions!

And to you, dear readers, here’s to making beautiful memories in your year! I hope it’s a year of magic and wonder and laughter!

End Of Year Q/A! AMA!

After two seperate encounters this week, one in which a reader wrote in mentioning they wanted to write to me but wasn’t sure how to – and the other, talking to a new submissive about the very meaning of rules and protocol in a D/s relationship, I realise just how hard it is for someone – young or old – to sort out their feelings and to understand just what it is they’ve been trying to describe.

So since I didn’t do a November Q/A or AMA and there have been a few new followers from Tumblr since it’s purging of adult content (Welcome!), I thought I’d create this space for newcomers or people who have questions to ask them here or if they choose, at my email at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

Let me be honest – I’m writing this now for two reasons – the first because I will get a message in which the author apologises profusely for bugging me or taking up my time or for writing at length – and it doesn’t bother me at all. Not one iota. So reading that I can understand, but it certainly still breaks my heart.

The second because it occurred to me (as it does at several intervals in the year) how easy it can be to get lost inside your own head in a D/s relationship, especially if you’re young and new to the lifestyle – or just don’t know who to talk to.

It can be easy to take for granted what I know – but I forget – it doesn’t come easily to someone new.

To that end, please PLEASE feel free to write as much or as little as you’d like. No email is too long, no comment is too meandering. I don’t judge on naivety or inexperience and I certainly don’t shame or think people silly for their thoughts.

I can also use any questions in a forthcoming post so that it can be informative for anyone that has an interest in that line of questioning.

It’s Okay To Be Single

I don’t know how to begin such an opening so let me cut right to the chase. Christmas time, as much as it can be about joy and family and togetherness, can be alienating and depressing to the person who is single. Suddenly something so joyful becomes this gnawing absence and in the company of family, with couples of their own, it can be painfully lonely existence.

But it’s okay to be alone.

As a society, we’re so focused on coupling right? I mean, if you’re single chances are family or co workers are asking why that is or they’re saying how good it would be for you to find someone, to settle down – hell, so me might say even how parenthood can mature you so — have kids. Thanks Grandad!

But being single is a good thing. Learning how to be on your own is a good thing. With it comes independence and acceptance and time and patience and awareness of who you are and what you want.

Jumping into a relationship can be a dreadfully dangerous experience. Even more so if you’re a newcomer to BDSM and Dominance and submission and you’re looking for a partner for guidance. As a new Dominant, you can make mistakes and hurt a submissive and yourself. As a submissive, you could fall prey to an over-eager abusive false dominant.

Being alone means growth and reflection and time to yourself. Being alone means growing accustomed to silence. Being alone means finding what you want, in a partner, as a dominant or submissive, as a individual in so many different ways.

When my marriage broke down and I moved back to my folks, I was – for the first time in years, alone. I was sleeping by myself, cut off from talking daily to my ex wife. I had my parents to talk to, but that didn’t seem to help you know? It didn’t fill this uncomfortable void in me that was so used to sharing time with my partner.

It took a month of silence from her, a month of reflection and many soulful sessions where I’d write and record songs, red-eyed and desperate, about my existence. And I’ve already spoken about this sense of my life feeling as one complete story and thus I should commit suicide as being a total rational thought – it’s scary.

But. I did it. I became used to being by myself. I rebooted my life, the way I saw my life, and for the next few months I began a rebirth of sorts.

What I’m trying to say is this – you don’t need anyone to complete you. You don’t need a relationship to feel content or rewarded. There is nothing wrong with you for being single, despite what you feel or how your friends and family feel – and you certainly can take as much time as you want to figure things out.

And if you’re thinking ‘Well, I know I can be single, I just want someone’ – that’s fine too. Just remember to take time, remember to be patient and remember to look inside of yourself to find what you want, which is easier said than done – but it will come. Just don’t rush.

Some of us, we’re not used to being alone. But we can learn to be in time.

I wish you all a merry time if you’re celebrating Christmas, a merry time regardless if you’re not. Whatever festivities I’m unaware of, if you’re partaking it, I wish you a merry time, a safe time and a time of fine company, fine food and beautiful memories.

As always if you have any questions, feel a bit down or just want to chew a piece of my mind about one of my stories or this piece, you can reach me here or at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

Worth

What is the weight of my words to you?

What am I worth?

Take all that I am,

Everything you know,

Set the balance and see.

Take the clothes from my body,

The blood from my veins,

The heart from my chest,

The soul from my essence,

When I cease to be,

After all that is said and done

What am I worth

To you?