I don’t think there will ever be a time where I’ll stop growing and evolving. Where I will reach the limit of my growth and can say ‘well, I’m definitely into all of these things and kinks, there’s nothing else’.
Though that’s sometimes frustrating, especially when someone asks ‘well, what do you identify as?’ And I have to stumble on my words to say I’m a mix of things, it’s also a thing of beauty. Because there will always be something brand new to discover.
For example, there’s a huge part of me that identifies with the 19th century gentleman and this unspoken undercurrent of Dominance and submission. Jane Eyre, apart from being a terrific read in general, was deeply erotic for me.
And I identify with this gentleman because a big part that I’m drawn to is regulation. Polite wording like ‘Pardon me’ instead of ‘huh?’, standing up straight – etiquette like that – it speaks to me.
And there’s so many different nuances to something like that. Chin up, beck straight, hands to the side, hands behind your back, ask for permission to go out with your girlfriends, all these different things that branch off to different concepts and regulations and ways in which the relationship can evolve or adapt.
But then aside from this strict gentleman, or the 1950’s household hybrid of that gentleman, there are the other aspects of my personality that I’ve discovered along the way, the Daddy and the Master.
The Daddy aspect has always been with me, I think, since my early twenties. And as I got older and more at ease with myself, it has been more prominent and refined. I’m sure if I co wrote a blog with my lady, she could vouch for times it comes out – say, if she’s snacking before dinner and I tell her not to, she can hear it in my voice. Or if she’s ill but staying up late. Of if I want to read to her or be by her side when she colours.
Recently, I’ve felt a different side bubble to the surface that bears similar traits to a Master. This crosses over with the 19th century gentleman, as the concept of setting rules and regulations in a M/s environment with many different concepts also at play intrigues me. But it’s also not quite the dynamic that fits my current relationship, as my kitten and I sit somewhere between the M/s and Daddy / LG concepts.
It’s weird to explain because the mind shifts at any given moment and borrows traits from established roles. So it’s a mix.
And as such, I think I will always be finding out new things about my mind. Maybe I’ll change. Maybe this relationship will change. The How’s and the Why’s can be pondered all night, and this thought is lengthy enough.
Bottom line is that I’m always growing and learning and finding new ways to live and play and explore and that’s beautiful.
How about you, stranger? Are you a mix?
I’ve been in the lifestyle for a number of years – 12, technically. And yet, a number of those were me wandering in the dark scared of my own desire. Fearful of who I was.
I’m much better now, with an open dialogue between the various aspects of my personality. But I still struggle. Whenever I am about to post, I am scared initially. Scared that one day, one thought will go too far. One story will be too rough. Or weird.
I mean, I’ve written about sea creatures and vampires and sex cults and you guys are still here. But I still worry.
And so today, I want to talk about fear.
For some, it starts at the beginning of your journey. You have a thought so effective that it scares you because of how you perceive it – that it’s weird or demented or troubling.
Maybe it’s not just a thought, maybe it’s a mindset. A rape fantasy. A bondage fantasy. Maybe you’re a masochist and you’re trying to understand why you like sadistic concepts.
Running from that thought won’t work. I tried. I ended back at square one face to face with the thought. And I’d feel guilty.
The trick, I think, is to begin to rewire your outlook. Day by day, steal a moment to yourself and think about what scares you. Remind yourself you’re not alone. That it’s okay to be the way you are.
For me, it was a long and slow process. I signed up to Fetlife. I challenged myself with nude photos. I dived into the local conversation. And day by day, I’d take a moment to read about it, in books, online.
I think because I always kept the door open to learn, that eventually it became second nature to me. I felt okay being this weird mix of Daddy / Master / Primal.
Even though that’s my story and everyone is different, I feel like the keeping the door open notion is useful. Don’t run from it, keep one foot in the door and one foot in your comfort zone until you are ready to take a wander through entirely.
What we feel, who we are, is natural. It’s what makes us beautiful. Whether you’re interested in bestiality, like an old friend of mine once was, or whether you’re laying in bed married but out of sorts with your spouse.
The first step is admitting these thoughts are okay. Are your own. The next step is up to you. You might fall or stumble but you’re stronger then you realise. You’ll be okay.
If you need help taking that initial step, if you want to run by a desire just to hear someone else let you know it’s perfectly fine, if you are confused, whatever the reason, you’re not alone. My email – my door – is always open.
Don’t be afraid to step through.
Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?
Absolutely. Being in the D/s relationship, one thing that has improved, compared to my previous relationships anyhow, is communications. I feel you can talk to one another openly about things that people in a vanilla relationship would not venture into. Trust and communication are two key components, at least when it comes to my relationship. My beloved trusts me to lead the way and understands that if she is punished, she deserved it for whatever reason and she trusts that I’ll apply the correct and just punishment to the crime.
You explore each other in a raw and dark fashion so yeah, communication is frank and open and as long as she remembers her manners and training, it’s all wondrous and beautiful.
It goes deeper than that, though. I’m not sure I could live a life without being the head of a relationship, sexually or in many cases between my beloved and I, non sexually. If I woke up without dressing her for a lunch with friends or whatever, I would feel like something is missing. If I was in a relationship and she wasn’t collared, socially and otherwise, I would feel like something is missing. I’ve been without BDSM and a D/s relationship in my life and it’s…it’s not pretty. I don’t feel right. There’s something missing.
The BDSM contract is a document in which the Dominant and submissive negotiate the details of their D/s relationship and sexual activity.
Yes, they exist. Fifty Shades of Grey wasn’t lying to you when Christian pulled it out for Ana, though I would not recommend following his rapey way of getting her to sign it. The dude’s a sociopath. But I digress.
As you can see from this example that I pulled – the contract is thoroughly detailed, so that it covers not only the basics but anything that may play havoc on the submissive’s mind. The power of writing is that when someone sits down to write up something – anything – they are left to exercise their mind as they put thought down on paper. So a contract is unique in this way. Given the quality of the questionnaire, the submissive might be challenged in ways he or she didn’t realise. Or they just might appreciate that the contract is going to lengths to cover every base.
Filling out the questionnaire can be an exciting time for the couple, perhaps even arousing. It’s a tantalising time because it can build the anticipation but it’s also important because it establishes safety and boundaries that will be important going forward into the relationship.
My pet and I? Our contract was verbal. When I claimed her for the first time, I undressed her and basically asked her questions that were similar to the ones featured in these examples I have for you. For the next few months, we underwent training. For her and for myself, as I was new to being in a D/s relationship as well. I did my best to cover every base, make sure she was comfortable. Keep in mind, we knew each other was into BDSM before and before we entered into a relationship and a D/s relationship, we discussed our limits. The first few months we trained, mostly every night, definitely every weekend when we weren’t too busy. So, our contract was hands on and verbal. We spent hours talking together and establishing safety and boundaries.
But everyone’s different. Everyone has different methods. The contract, the physical contract, isn’t mandatory but would I recommend it? Again, it depends on the couple. A submissive might benefit from sitting down to fill it out. She might be confronted with information previously unknown to her. It might come up as she fills it out. For the Dominant, it is useful because you can understand your submissive better. On paper, she will be confronted to write but in person she might shrug and say “I don’t know” because she’s on the spot. The paper will give her time to think about her answer more carefully.
In the end, it’s all about preference. The contract can be an experience that binds you two together or perhaps a lengthy conversation could suffice.
For any questions, you can always reach me at my email address, which is located in the contact page of my blog.
It ties into my desire for control. It’s a small leash, in a way — my pet is bound by my hand. She’s under my control for the duration of our play session. And unless things get too much, she’ll handle the mix of pain and pleasure like the good girl she is.
There’s fascinating imagery there to think about. How she might be a slave to my touch and my desires, trapped in a mental prison. The psychology behind this, why she likes it, why I yearn for it, is utterly fascinating. How can you be a slave to the pleasure but handle the pain? It should be one org he other and yet, there’s beautiful harmony between the two. We’re stronger than we think we are, make no mistake. And pushing the boundaries with her is one of the best things about our D/s side to our relationship.
So there’s this sense of duality there that satisfies me. On one hand, you have the brutality and the darkness. When I tug, she gasps and moans. For me, it’s exhilarating to be in the position where I can control the amount of pleasure and pain. It does things to me, physically and psychologically. I love seeing her at my mercy. I cannot begin to describe how writing this effects me. How just writing these words makes me want to use them on her the minute she walks through the door.
On the other hand, there’s trust there. She trusts me to take care of her, to guide her through this roller coaster of pain and pleasure. And that’s beautiful. That’s another side of this coin that appeals to my sensitive nature.
I’ve talked about spotting false dominants, I’ve talked about embracing your sexuality and no longer hiding but what I want to discuss now is taking the plunge with your new partner and learning how to give yourself over to them.
I’ve had my fair share of betrayals in my life. Being a sufferer of anxiety and depression, it unfortunately makes things somewhat difficult to find that line where you can trust again.
You can’t help but carry that baggage into new relationships, especially when they are as powerful as a relationship filled with BDSM or a D/s relationship BUT what you can do is rewire your thought process to trust again.
When the submissive submits to her partner, s/he is accepting they will be guided through the forest. It’s immensely daunting, I know, because you are putting your life and well being in their hands — but taking that step is vital to your health and here’s why: self-growth and development. Maybe you’ve spent most of your adult life wandering aimlessly, well here is your chance to take charge and break free of the baggage.
Just because something bad might’ve happened in the past does not mean it will happen again. If you think that way, you are conditioning yourself to negativity and setting yourself up for failure. Don’t do that, it’s unhealthy and negative thinking and irrational thoughts are most likely just in your head. See them for what they are – the product of an imaginative mind – and let it go.
Communication is the key. If your partner is worth it, they will talk you down from the ledge. They will do their best to ease your mind and make sure you are never feeling that way. But it’s not entirely all up to them: it’s up to you. YOU are the one that has to take that leap of faith.
For those that have had a manipulative and abusive partner, tell yourself out loud that the current person you are with is NOT your ex. I can’t even begin to understand what you’ve been through, I know. But you will gain nothing but giving into the fear, alright? So baby steps. Step through it, work through it – either with a therapist or your partner. There is no shame whatsoever with whatever it is you are feeling. Remember: irrational thoughts and an overactive mindset.
Lastly, take risks. For the love of everything holy, take risks. We are already trapped by a society that tells us this is the wrong way to think so BREAK THE MOULD. Step out of the comfort zone when you are ready. Be free and crazy and wild and live. LIVE, not EXIST.
Some of you have been asking about me and if I am on Fetlife. I am indeed. But it being a tad more personal than this here blog, I prefer to keep that separate from my ramblings. So: if you really want to find me on Fetlife, send me an email, get to know me outside of the apparently terrifying erotica that I write.
I, like many others blogging, enjoy the anonymity and won’t just throw my profile away to just anyone. It’s full of my personal ramblings, not to mention certain…photos and before I let people know where I reside in that little slice of heaven, I’d like to get to know you one on one. Make it personal. You and me – the only people in a restaurant, eating fine food and enjoying fine conversation.
As for people new to Fetlife, I just want to stress to the submissive audience that it’s quite important you be careful of False Dominants. Submission is a beautiful, wondrous gift. Never forget this. It would utterly break my heart if I knew a woman – or man – was being preyed upon. So, stay strong and confident and remember how important you are!