What Is The D/s Dynamic?

It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.

 

With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.

 

 

The D/s Dynamic

The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.

Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. Each partner has something within them, a longing if you will, that is something beautiful and psychological.

 

Dominance

The Dominant cannot expect the submissive to bend to his / her will. If they think that is Dominance, they are false. A good Dominant is a compassionate teacher, one willing to be patient and to guide and instruct and, above all, to love.

The Dominant is the protector of the submissive. Personally, I want to say Guardian – or Gatekeeper, as each role in the dynamic takes on a lovely, almost mythic quality.

What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.

 

Submission

 I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.

A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.

Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.

Established Boundaries

 When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.

Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.

A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.

 

And Now, A Personal Example…

 At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.

I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.

 Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.

Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.

So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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What Is A BDSM Mentor?

 

‘What is a BDSM Mentor?’ Is a question people who write in to me sometimes ask.
‘Are they together? Is it a romantic or sexual thing?’ is another question I get – and today, I’d like to cover precisely what a BDSM Mentor is and does, just to quell any confusion.

What is a BDSM Mentor?

First and foremost, a mentor is someone that has had plentiful experience in the lifestyle and whose desire is to guide their student in various ways such as answering questions, helping with any struggles and introducing them to tools that can help their development.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant Mentor?

This is entirely subjective. I personally think anyone can guide and instruct, provided they have the will and mind and desire for it.

That being said, there are, of course, insights each person in the dynamic could provide you. Things that might tap into how one might feel.

And with that mind, the same could be said for a submissive talking with a Dominant mentor or a Dominant talking with a submissive Mentor.

It comes down to personal taste and preference. Not to mention who you feel more comfortable taking to, man or woman.

Is a BDSM Mentor a romantic and / or sexual thing?

No, it is entirely platonic. Of course the topic will be based in the sexual nature of things, but the Mentor’s role is to instruct, not to claim and desire. It should never cross that line.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

It usually begins by conversing via email and if thoughts require an immediacy, I give the option of my own personal kik, which will reach me in the moment.

However the pupil in question wants to interact, the key thing that I want to do is listen.

Helping others iron out any mental wrinkles has been my number one goal since I started this blog back in 2015 so my first order of business is to listen, then counsel and instruct.

I’m happy to explain dynamics, the meaning of BDSM terms and to offer a bibliography of certain books I have found useful in my own journey.

Some people write in terribly anxious and nervous and don’t know what to say. And to those people, I do my best to create a safe and calm environment where they might be able to alleviate any anxiety.

On occasion, I have given exercises that might useful to a situation, such as helping one person get to a gym of a day or help to counter-act negative body image.

Mentors and Friendship

It’s important to develop a friendship and deep trust with your mentor. I cannot stress that enough.

There’s no point asking after a mentor just because – because first and foremost, you need a solid foundation with this person. And to that end, think about what you want in a friend – are they easy to get along with, do you guys make each other laugh? Do you have common interests?

When you know, you’ll know.

But can’t I just learn from the BDSM Community in general? Y’know, like Fetlife?

I suppose you can. I certainly did. I had no mentor, which is probably why I like to offer it so much – because I don’t want anyone to feel alone.

Personally, sometimes the overload of information can be stressful. Which can lead to a trigger effect in which you start to crumble every time you come back to the pool to soak your skin.

I felt that many times in my life and it drove me away many times. If you prefer seeking information from the community rather then one person, persevere. You’ll be all the stronger for it.

That being said, a one-on-one interaction is a special thing. An intimate thing. Though it has the ability to overstimulate with information, perhaps the mentor can back off and drip feed accordingly.

Again, it’s subjective. Find what works for you.

I really hope this helps clear a few things up for anyone interested in mentoring or in finding a mentor.

Remember to be safe and sure and good luck in your travels.
For any questions regarding mentoring or finding a mentor, I’m always a message away.

Let’s Ask Questions: 2018 Edition!

 

As it’s the start of 2018 and there are new people coming to my blog, I thought I would put out another one of these Q/A blog post / threads and give the opportunity for anyone to ask any questions, should they so desire.

Of course, if you are comfortable sending an email, you’re welcome to write to my email, even if it’s just an anxious info dump. Lord knows I do it on this here blog.

Anyway. I found an interesting question out there that I wanted to tackle:

Are Dominants possessive towards women?

Protective, yes. Possessive? I don’t think so.

It’s difficult to talk without a scenario to relate to so I’ll use my own relationship.
My lady has her own independence. She’ll go out with friends, she’ll go for drinks or stop over, whatever the case may be.
I’m not jealous of that. I have no interest in saying she cannot lead her own life, because even in a D/s relationship I think there needs to be this space for independent growth. I think that is healthy.

Keep in mind, she asks for my permission each time and am sure, if I said no I don’t like that idea, she would come home and sit by me. But as I stated above, it’s a healthy thing for her to have that time without me. We can get back to our bubble, our roles and our sex when we come together again.

Now a M/s dynamic would be a little different. I can’t say, because each person has a different opinion.
Perhaps a little possessiveness is endearing, I know my lady feels that way about me.

But if it’s unhealthy, if one person is feeling trapped and suffocating, if a Dominant becomes unreasonable and unapproachable in their possessiveness, I think perhaps it would be a good time to take a step back and reflect and digest on the situation.

That being said, don’t be shy now! The only silly question is the one not asked.

2017: My Year In Review

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For me, 2017 was very much a year of progression of me. Not just in my relationship, which grows and expands each day, but in my life – my legacy. The thing I’ll take with me to the next life.

To avoid a headache, I’ll split and reflect on what I’ve encountered in a few sub headings. Let’s do this.

Some Kind of Divine Comedy

I started this year in a transitory position. Still in a new relationship, I navigated my way through the end of my college work and back out into adulthood.

Through all this, if I was Dante, Kitten was my Virgil. My guide through it all.

When I was anxious, when I doubted myself, when I sat slumped on the couch and said I should stop writing on this blog, for what do I have left to give? — Well, Kitten was there to slap me upside my head and tell me to relax.

It helped. More than I could put into words. In this blog or TO her.

Me, Myself and I

As I juggled the end of college, I also did a wee bit of mentoring as well.
For those new to the blog and wondering what mentoring details exactly, think of it like this: A mentor is there to help someone who needs a reliant source of information. Instead of, say, a delayed response on a blog, email is there as an option, as are other social networking means. Occasionally, I’ll offer up my kik, as I’m usually there chatting to mates any way.

I reassure, I answer questions. Occasionally I give ideas that might help in areas of insecurity or discipline. Anything that will act as a positive reinforcement. And what do I get out of it? Fulfilment. The knowledge that I have helped people.

It’s been a wonderful thing, because I have seen these people move on to beautiful harmony with their own partners. And it’s nice to know that I could help, even if it’s in a minuscule way.

Beyond Mentoring, I’ve challenged myself in my writing – to think outside of the box. To change. To say something different, so I don’t get stuck in monotone gear.

The results are…a work in progress. I have a default writing mode. A default writing voice. I need to figure out how to progress.

The Master in Me

In my own down time, I’ve done some reflecting on how my own feelings have changed and morphed in the year. There’s an element of a Master to me, I have discovered. A personality trait that comes out when provoked, taking sadistic glee in the humiliation of others and in his own Slave.

I say ‘element of a Master’ because I’m a weird sort of hybrid Dominant. I have so many traits within me and the one that is usually present most of my conscious days is the Daddy Dom that nurtures Kitten.

It’s a weird balance, you see. But it’s the only way I can make sense of everything that floats around my head.

Last but not least

The relationship between my kitten and I has been ever-smooth. Ever changing for the good, revealing new personality traits that are quite the spark – especially for my stories!

And yet, through all this, I find the need to push myself. For her. For myself.

It’s easy, I think, to get in the trap of living day to day in your own mind that you forget you are leading someone, taking care of someone. And I need to beat myself up less for that, while improving my mind. To be better for myself, for her, and for how my dominant self fits into the dynamic of the world around me.

Beyond that, dear reader, I am now 30. I am no longer the ‘twenty-something’ guy that started this blog. So what does the future hold in store for me? For me in the world? For kitten and I?

I’m sure you’ll find out as soon as I do. In the meantime, you should review and reflect as well.

The Dominant’s Growl #10

Are you a natural Dominant or are you a learned one? Or both?

I would probably say I began as a natural Dominant, because I can remember it coming to me out of blue during interactions with an old girlfriend of mine.

I had no idea where it came from or why. Well, if I had to guess why, I would say this particular lady was a lady of mischief. And there was resistance there that came out sexually, which – luckily for me – she responded to. If she didn’t, I’d imagine I would’ve caught the train home and listened to some angst ridden metal band that I worshipped as a teen. (Note to self: Is metal an aphrodisiac? Part joking, part curious).

ANYway, the other half would be that I taught myself the kind of Dominant I wanted to be, the kind of partner I would be interested in, and the rules and regulations that I need on my own life to keep me sane.

And I guess I knew I was growing as a Dominant – and as an adult, really – because it suddenly wasn’t just about my needs. I had started to wonder about the needs and mindset of a submissive. I developed a desire to nurture, which is why I repeatedly offer counsel here..

If you’re skimming – allow me to surmise: I started off feeling natural thoughts but through my experience and encounters with submissive women, I learned. I made mistakes and recovered from them.

What have you learned about yourself in the past year that surprises you?

It would be my desire to nurture.

Even as a Dominant, I’m always anxious to make sure my role is keeping things for my kitten well and in tact so that she is happy and fulfilled and loved.

I do this because I’m scatterbrained. It’s easy for me to get lost in my mind, like some sort of weird wonderland labyrinth. And my kitten is kind of this centrepoint of my world that keeps my feet on the ground.

So I guess the more our relationship goes on, the more I’m finding how deep this love runs. It’s like…falling in love all over again and wanting to protect but not protect too much that it’s overbearing.

So to sum it up, I’ve discovered I like to take care of her, and I’ve discovered I like to help others as best I can as well. Which is why I talk a lot about that Daddy side within me. Is that making any sense?

In Which I Discuss Teenage Readership (If Any)

When I was a teenager, I felt isolated from the adult world. I felt like there was a secret community I wasn’t a part of, that there was a joke I couldn’t hear yet because I didn’t know it. 

Some adults treated me that way. They’d scoff if I asked a naive question. They’d laugh with others if I showed a moment of weakness and fear,

Just recently, I had an email from a reader in which they felt the need to clarify they were 18+. And I get that, because if I had to rate my blog it’d probably be 18+ for its Erotica and sometimes my language. 

But, readers, at the same time I’m conflicted. I’m conflicted because I don’t want to be that adult that isolates a teenager from learning or asking questions. Because I was that teenager. And looking back, I’d like to think there could be an adult that was available for questions, should they write in to me. In which case I would never turn anyone away or betray their trust.

At the same time, teenagers are growing up way too fast. When I was a teenager, the internet was still in its dial up stages. Blogs and information wiki’s were unheard of. And now teenagers have access to all that, should they so desire. So maybe this blog post is all for naught. Maybe it’s all good. My blog – after all – is just a drop of water in an ocean of information. 

However, I will say this: if you’re under 18 or just on 18, if you need to run a question by me or need reassurance you’re not insane, you’re not alone. You can write to me and I can promise you I won’t judge. 

Somehow you’ve found yourself here, and through my blog there are some other beautiful blog authors that can help you. You’ve found a friendly network now.

Memoirs Of A Somewhat Mentor

When I started up this blog a few years ago, one of the first things I wanted to do was to provide any sort of help to anyone that felt confused or lost. To mentor.

To me, that meant being there as much as I could to answer any questions, offer concepts for exercises and just be a presence in this persons life as much as they wanted. To help where I once stumbled. 

I doubted myself at first. Who was I to offer help? Especially to someone who might be much older? And who would even take up that offer? This IS the Internet? 

Long story short, some people wrote in. And some people wanted a platform to talk in case they had any questions. And through email, sometimes rarely Kik, people listened to my advice. They challenged me – in a positive manner, questioning why I felt this way, why I became who I am today. Sometimes I listened to them, offering some ways in which they could challenge their own problems. Sometimes it was to get to the gym, sometimes it was a matter of insecurity. 

I’m humbled by every experience. It’s nice, sometimes, to hear that the lowly things I think and feel about myself aren’t necessarily true to someone else. So I’m honoured and touched in ways I could never cover in a blog post. 

Sometimes a person who has taken my advice writes in to say they’re going on a date. And it warms my heart that I played a bit part, even if it’s minuscule, in their lives.

Other times I feel like a broken record offering my help, but I just feel so strongly this need to help and nurture. It’s like I mentioned a few blog posts back about being an over protective father figure. It could be my kitten’s friend, or a mate of mine, or a mate’s sister – or my own sister. I feel this need to stand in front of this person and shield them, to use a dramatic metaphor. And this quality both embarrasses me – because I feel it’s unjust – and runs through my veins. 

So acting as a mentor – a friend, advisor, however you want to call it – warms my heart. Because I get to open the door to this person across the world I’d probably never meet if I didn’t challenge myself to write this blog. And I get to learn new things about myself, I get to challenge my perceptions. I get to help. 

Anyway. I won’t go on any longer. Have a lovely day!