The Mind is Always Evolving


I don’t think there will ever be a time where I’ll stop growing and evolving. Where I will reach the limit of my growth and can say ‘well, I’m definitely into all of these things and kinks, there’s nothing else’.
Though that’s sometimes frustrating, especially when someone asks ‘well, what do you identify as?’ And I have to stumble on my words to say I’m a mix of things, it’s also a thing of beauty. Because there will always be something brand new to discover. 
For example, there’s a huge part of me that identifies with the 19th century gentleman and this unspoken undercurrent of Dominance and submission. Jane Eyre, apart from being a terrific read in general, was deeply erotic for me. 
And I identify with this gentleman because a big part that I’m drawn to is regulation. Polite wording like ‘Pardon me’ instead of ‘huh?’, standing up straight – etiquette like that – it speaks to me.
And there’s so many different nuances to something like that. Chin up, beck straight, hands to the side, hands behind your back, ask for permission to go out with your girlfriends, all these different things that branch off to different concepts and regulations and ways in which the relationship can evolve or adapt.
But then aside from this strict gentleman, or the 1950’s household hybrid of that gentleman, there are the other aspects of my personality that I’ve discovered along the way, the Daddy and the Master.
The Daddy aspect has always been with me, I think, since my early twenties. And as I got older and more at ease with myself, it has been more prominent and refined. I’m sure if I co wrote a blog with my lady, she could vouch for times it comes out – say, if she’s snacking before dinner and I tell her not to, she can hear it in my voice. Or if she’s ill but staying up late. Of if I want to read to her or be by her side when she colours. 
Recently, I’ve felt a different side bubble to the surface that bears similar traits to a Master. This crosses over with the 19th century gentleman, as the concept of setting rules and regulations in a M/s environment with many different concepts also at play intrigues me. But it’s also not quite the dynamic that fits my current relationship, as my kitten and I sit somewhere between the M/s and Daddy / LG concepts. 
It’s weird to explain because the mind shifts at any given moment and borrows traits from established roles. So it’s a mix.
And as such, I think I will always be finding out new things about my mind. Maybe I’ll change. Maybe this relationship will change. The How’s and the Why’s can be pondered all night, and this thought is lengthy enough. 
Bottom line is that I’m always growing and learning and finding new ways to live and play and explore and that’s beautiful. 
How about you, stranger? Are you a mix?

Do Not Be Afraid Of Who You Are

I’ve been in the lifestyle for a number of years – 12, technically. And yet, a number of those were me wandering in the dark scared of my own desire. Fearful of who I was. 
I’m much better now, with an open dialogue between the various aspects of my personality. But I still struggle. Whenever I am about to post, I am scared initially. Scared that one day, one thought will go too far. One story will be too rough. Or weird. 
I mean, I’ve written about sea creatures and vampires and sex cults and you guys are still here. But I still worry. 

And so today, I want to talk about fear.
For some, it starts at the beginning of your journey. You have a thought so effective that it scares you because of how you perceive it – that it’s weird or demented or troubling. 
Maybe it’s not just a thought, maybe it’s a mindset. A rape fantasy. A bondage fantasy. Maybe you’re a masochist and you’re trying to understand why you like sadistic concepts. 
Running from that thought won’t work. I tried. I ended back at square one face to face with the thought. And I’d feel guilty.
The trick, I think, is to begin to rewire your outlook. Day by day, steal a moment to yourself and think about what scares you. Remind yourself you’re not alone. That it’s okay to be the way you are.
For me, it was a long and slow process. I signed up to Fetlife. I challenged myself with nude photos. I dived into the local conversation. And day by day, I’d take a moment to read about it, in books, online. 
I think because I always kept the door open to learn, that eventually it became second nature to me. I felt okay being this weird mix of Daddy / Master / Primal.
Even though that’s my story and everyone is different, I feel like the keeping the door open notion is useful. Don’t run from it, keep one foot in the door and one foot in your comfort zone until you are ready to take a wander through entirely.
What we feel, who we are, is natural. It’s what makes us beautiful. Whether you’re interested in bestiality, like an old friend of mine once was, or whether you’re laying in bed married but out of sorts with your spouse. 
The first step is admitting these thoughts are okay. Are your own. The next step is up to you. You might fall or stumble but you’re stronger then you realise. You’ll be okay.
If you need help taking that initial step, if you want to run by a desire just to hear someone else let you know it’s perfectly fine, if you are confused, whatever the reason, you’re not alone. My email – my door – is always open.
Don’t be afraid to step through. 

Playing With Fire: A Daddy Dom Ramble


I’ve had a few drafts of what I want to say. I can’t figure out how to be precise with my words here. So expect some free form stream of consciousness.
I watched this show where a teenage girl was hovering her hand over an open flame, admittedly been through a lot, not to mention being a teenager in the first place. And my mind jumped to so many different tangents with the image. Experimenting with pain, sexual

Identity. Guidance. 
It kicked off this whole train of thought that is current doing the round. Which led me to writing it down here. 
I’m a Daddy. This much is true, whether it’s sexual or instinctive. Or darker. 

And I’m of two minds – one half trying to comfort this teenage girl while the other half helping her to experiment. Because experimentation, under watch, can be rewarding. So maybe my hand on hers, feeling the slight burn. No going back. Showing her that there is this whole side of things that you can practice as a form of therapy, if controlled in a healthy environment. 
And I’m not too sure why. 

I often wrestle with my animalistic impulses. I’ll shy away from the absurd because a handful of people understand and the rest don’t. 
I think the reason why this show has sparked feeling with me is partly because I was that experimental teen, dealing with pain – unhealthily at first. So when I see a teenager, male or female, struggling, I become that surrogate Daddy. Whether they like it or not. Because I can’t help it. And because my heart is too deep, or so they tell me. 
When I was first fully exploring my Dominant side, I met a teenage girl through Whisper going through a really rough time. I was 26 at the time. And she was flirtatious and sent nudes randomly. And I understood why. Or partly understood. 

I didn’t act. I didn’t want to. She was certainly attractive. Legal, if you’re mind is going there. But I could feel she was trying to justify something, her worth, herself, anything. And so I talked to her, told her politely as I could that the nude photo wasn’t necessary. 
And I don’t know why or how I came to it, but I saw her as a little sister. And whenever she texted me to vent, I would listen. Whenever she called, I would listen. 
And eventually, she stopped calling. We stopped talking, I didn’t bother her. I get it into my head I’m annoying – and a part of me felt guilty about the fact that I was even talking to her, because age. 
And age is weird. When my kitten was 16-17, I was 21. And I wouldn’t dream of dating her then….but now, it’s okay. Our minds are weird. Human, I guess. 
So when I see a teen or hear of a teen struggling, I see myself. I’m instantly transported to my days of discovery. And I guess that sparks on a transformation into a Daddy.
And I’m writing this all out because I feel like it needs to be said. I feel like there’s this sort of creep factor or age barrier that comes with the Daddy Dominant that misconstrues meaning. And I feel, a lot of the time, there’s a younger audience to my blog that needs to talk about something to a random who doesn’t know their friends or family. Who needs to hear they’re okay to experiment. 
Just like sometimes I need someone to tell me: it’s okay to feel like this. It’s an instinctual thing. You’re not a fucking creep. Even though, through writing this, I kinda feel like I am, you know?
So: the image of this girl testing the flame. It made me think of myself, it made me want to guide her, tell her things are okay. It made me want to walk the path with he while she opens the doors to discovery and sexual identity. 
This may be an 18+ blog, with mature themes, but I’d never turn anyone under 18 away. Because that person was once me. 

The Manipulating Mentor

One thing that I want to talk about today is the idea that there are Dominants about there that are willing to manipulate the emotions of a newbie submissive in order to get beneath her clothes, is what I’ve read from readers. And this came back into my mind last night because I had a reader write in with a bunch of lovely thought out questions about being a mentor and one of them quite fairly questioned me. And rightly so. I question me at the best of times. And after all, this is the net and you have to be safe.

But it got me thinking.

A mentor shouldn’t be interested in playing with you.

There are so many branching thoughts to that question, isn’t there? Like

  • What if we started off as a mentor and student and developed stronger feelings?

That’s all well and good, Lord knows I can’t tell anyone how to live their life. So long as the mentor is genuinely interested in you and not in your tits.

But what I wanted to say is that a mentor isn’t your play partner. They are your teacher. They are there to talk to you in a personal environment about their experiences with the community, the different dynamics, over different dynamics overlap.

Now I’ve heard of mentors, specifically men – I haven’t yet heard of a female mentor doing this but they very well could exist – abuse this sacred trust of the new submissive and manipulate, by way of smooth talking, which has usually resulted in him getting what he wants with the confused woman asking if this is right. And it isn’t, it’s a gross violation of trust. I very rarely use the word ‘hate’. It’s potent and sentence stopping, but man oh man do I hate the idea of anyone taking advantage of a lost / new person.

And this usually results with the man losing interest. He just stops communicating altogether. Sometimes he finds another submissive to lure in.

The thing is, with these guys, they’re usually charming, they’re not straight up dicks until you corner them about something. They charm their way into your hearts. When they’re done, the general complaint I’ve heard is that they think the sub they have gotten their fill of is ready for their first actual Dominant. That’s their excuse.

A mentor should be more interested in promoting growth and working in mental health, as well as working with the submissive in areas that they feel they need personal help.

Is there room for attachment? Of course, and I am sure many might go onto successful relationships. But that kind of makes me uneasy, because they’re supposed to be the teacher. A friend. A strictly platonic relationship, like you would in college or high school. And I bet with that, some of us are thinking about role play now and during a connection between that fantasy and why some fall for the mentor. But each case is separate and unique and I am trying not to generalise here.

Bottom line is: Be wary of some mentors if there’s the slightest sign of douche bag-ness. Hell, be wary of me. I welcome it. I’ll answer questions about wariness till we are both exhausted.

 

 

 

Hello, you beautiful international lurkers!

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The other day I was heading over to browse the pages of new followers that find I am worthy of a follow. You know what I noticed? I have people visiting – or bots, this is the internet and I don’t know how it all works – came visiting to my site.

Today, there have been people from the US, Au, UK and even the Czech Republic! Which, to me, is really freakin’ cool. Honestly, I am quite flattered.

Yesterday, there were views from Ireland, India, Germany, Spain –  freakin’ SPAIN. (I am kind of obsessed with the spanish culture, language, etc). I look at this and one part of wonders. I wonder about these sensual people dropping in. I am curious about their minds. Germany, in particular I think, would have a delicious insight into BDSM that I would love to devour.

So two minds are operating at this point in time – one side is thinking Bots or some kind of mistake, the other is mindful of those that want to lurk, for whatever reason. If it is the latter form, then I want to thank you guys for stopping by.
At the same time, I don’t want anyone ever to feel like they can’t talk about something because their kink or ideas make them the odd one out. Sometimes I feel that way with some of the pieces on my blog – did I go too far? – but this is the thing — one thing I’ve learned is that any kink, no matter how odd you may think it is, is perfectly fine because 1) it could very well be unique to YOU (that’s me accounting for unexpected desires) and that makes it’s extraordinary. The other part is 2) There’s a fair distance between acceptable and not acceptable and this usually comes down to individual tastes, and there’s always more than one of us. We are all rowing in the same boat, I assure you my dear readers of the world (which is totally weird to say as I never expected I could touch an audience!).

In any case, love, sexuality and BDSM is a beautiful BEAUTIFUL THING and should be celebrated. I hope to celebrate with you.

 

 

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just strange. If all along I’ve been too forward in my teachings and outspoken behaviour that it alienates people. People will tell me it’s good to go against the grain, to be yourself. But sometimes I wonder if being yourself is just a prelude to failure.
I always felt that being open, forward in my BDSM lifestyle is the way to go. I’ve been suppressing it so long that it felt right to be loud and proud. But won’t that turn away people because they mistake it for over confident, cocky and too loud? 
People always told me – my mother, my grandparents, my great uncles – to be yourself. And people will like you. And I have been. I’ve been honest and forthright in the hopes that I help others but sometimes when I’m alone and anxiety is like a witch whispering in my ear, I wonder if I was destined to be wrong. That no matter what I said, I would always be that asshole. No matter how hard I tried to push others to be happy – not forcefully, but enough that they are inspired to break the shackles, – I would always be an ass. 
I don’t know, ladies and gents, what I came here to say. I guess I’m wondering if I’ve been approaching things wrong.

The different meanings of being Dominant

 

Every so often, I stop and think about what it means exactly, for someone to be Dominant. And I get so caught up thinking about myself and my past and my future and how – in the present – I interact with my kitten. There’s a good and bad aspect to this for me.
The good side is that it allows me to reflect. Reflection is good. We get so caught up in our daily lives that we miss simple truths. Or sometimes we grow. Yes, we grow in mere months. Our tastes expand. What I wrote at the beginning of the blog you can find under “His Journals” and I am sure if I read that, I would add to it…and add to it….and add to it. I could keep adding and adding to it that it drove me mad. Here’s where the bad side of it comes in.

I’m sure I could think myself to death. Part and partial of having anxiety is that you think…and overthink…and overthink. It’s like a broken record. You go around and around and around thinking and analysing and coming to the truth, only it’s not the truth, there’s always a piece of information you missed, which means more thinking and more analysing. So I am going to add upon what I’ve said about the Dominant aspect and I’ll try my best to explain it and then somehow fight my compulsive behaviour to revisit and edit. Sigh. Bear with me.

But how is a person Dominant? It’s not just that he/she can top you in bed. Oh  no. Although, to be fair, there’s that. Which brings me to my next point: There’s a Dominant for the bedroom, maybe even outside, and then there’s a Dominant for the lifestyle.

The Dominant within the bedroom just wants to top sexually. They might even want to toy with the idea of owning you outside of the bedroom, purely for a sexual thrill. Like – wearing no panties to work or choosing your outfit for you. That sort of thing.

It’s when it begins to be not just about a sexual thrill but something far richer and deeper that it wanders into the territory of the ‘lifestyle’. And this is where a D/s relationship might come into play. The Dominant that wants in on the lifestyle is the Dominant I am, to use a personal example. If you’ll allow me to be more personal, it’s not enough that I dominant kitty in the bedroom. As wild and passionate and exhilarating that is, I need more. Because that side within me wants the tender love and ownership and control of the person out of the bedroom more than it does within.

It is insane the desire that fuels me to stroke her head and tuck her in. To want to read to her (We’re currently powering through Alice’s adventures in Wonderland of a night). To teach her to build up her confidence and let go of the chains. To nurture her and be a teacher to her. It extends to the symbolism of the collar. This desire to have her wear both a social collar, for privacy reasons in the workplace, and her own collar around the house. Why the desire to collar? Because she’s beautiful, sacred — fucking MINE. (And I can’t even begin to DESCRIBE the surge of possessiveness that came through my body writing that sentence). This beautiful, soulful kitten is mine. Those tender blue eyes, her gigantic ever-giving heart? MINE. Mine to protect.

And I love that. And I want to be her guardian and protector and I want to see that cute choke-worthy neck don that collar. It’s a complicated mess of emotions.

And that, for me, is Dominance within the lifestyle. A complicated mess of emotions, ranging from the deeply loving to the deeply brutal.

Now, of course, you can’t just define Dominance down to two categories – in the bedroom and deeper. I will, however, admit to disliking the individual that poses as a false Dominant when all they really want is sex. This angers me because, to me, that isn’t right. And it’s treating this beautiful man or woman as a cheap tool to which they will use to get off. NO. FUCKING NO. But I digress.

Every Dominant out there is going to take what a D/s lifestyle means to them and alter it how they want to because it suits them. It likes…parallel universes. Right now, there could be a parallel universe where I’m not writing but rather hanging out with my dogs because I felt you guys didn’t want another long-winding post. For every direction made, another universe is created in which the opposite choice is made. It’s science fiction but it’s kinda like that, every person shapes what’s being defined by other people as D/s and Dominant — to fit their life and it’ll go on and on like this for years, long past your existence or mine.

It’s complicated, it’s messy, it’s being Dominant. So if you find a growing interest in BDSM, if these interests start to go outside of the bedroom and start materialising in your personality and in your desire towards your partner or you’re own mind, then it’s the lifestyle for you. And the journey begins.

But, of course, it’s never that simple, is it?