Just Write

So. I just got an email from a reader of my blog and it struck me as sad and it’s for these reasons that I want to write this piece.

If you’re going to write in to me, if you want to write in to me, there’s a couple things I, personally, want you to know and understand.

I’m not as busy as you think. I’m not running around like a headless chook, know that while I may work, I also definitely check my email daily and respond in full as soon as I can.

I don’t respond to emails to be polite to you, to what a reader described as ‘a self proclaimed fangirl’ – I respond because I want to. You must understand, I started this blog not just to share my fantasies and satisfy a part of me, I did it in case it could inspire someone as awkward as I was when I started off.

So I love hearing from people – young, old, male, female, Australian, American, Norwegian – the more the merrier. Language barriers be damned! I love conversing with people and I love talking BDSM and it’s lifestyles.

Whether you’re a fan or seeking answers or even if you a bone to pick with me about something I wrote. Grill me. I welcome all of it, criticism, friendly chatter, the like.

You’re not bothering me. At all. In all my years of blogging, in responding to the kind people that write in, I can honestly say not one email has bugged me, not one. Even if one person has a laundry list of questions, I’ll sit down and work it out with them until they’re more spent then I am. Seriously. So never ever think that YOU are the person that will be too much for me, because that just won’t be the case. Try me, I dare you!

Do you want to write but don’t know what to say? Do you feel stupid because I can talk so openly and you find it rough to? I’ve had years to process how I feel, to work to rise above my own shyness. I was the same as you in the beginning. We all start somewhere and blossom on our own time.

I will say this though – just write. Don’t worry about grammar or context or anything, just write. I honestly care not for long novel-length texts, I read every word and respond. I’ll even write a long novel-length email of my own.

Start at the beginning. Write how you feel. Find a place to start at, to get the ball rolling, and then just let it go – just write and let it loose. If it feels good, write it. If it doesn’t, write it anyway and send it.

Too many times have I read that someone wanted to write in sooner or deleted several iterations of the email they just sent – and it breaks my heart.

I know I can’t TELL people what to do. I know I can’t get people to talk as frankly as I do, but I’m writing this because I want you to know, anything you have to say, in any way, is perfectly A-OK by me and that you should not feel shame or delete what you write, because I mostly certainly want to read it. Don’t even press that delete button or I’ll slap a crop against your knuckles!

Be yourself. That’s all I ask of you. Everything else, please don’t worry. I’m not as scary as your mind makes me out to be!

TD&D

It’s The Little Things

When I first decided to offer help for anyone that wanted it if they felt they could trust me, I felt for sure, like most ideas in my head, that it would be a complete disaster. That I’d fail, that I’d be perceived as a weirdo. I mean, this is the Net right? And who wants to put themselves out there to a stranger? A – in their eyes – nobody? It’s a risk. Especially if your trust has been abused before.

I still feel pretty stupid about offering up a chat sometimes, even when a reader occasionally says hello and has nothing but nice things to say about my writing. Like, what right do I have to offer help, you know? I’m just another guy on the Internet.

And then, it’s the little things that come by and warm my heart. Like a few days ago, out of the blue, I received a message on Fetlife from someone I spoke to back in 2017. Admittedly I had forgotten – it’s the curse of being forgetful. But to hear from someone that I helped, that I gave great advice, that I inspired them to find their voice and challenge their fears – it’s very moving. It brings a tear to my eye because just that means the world – knowing in some way that my words are helping. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do since my own experiences led to too many years wasted on torment and self ridicule.

I love this community, you know? This ragtag team of misfits with gentle souls, curious minds and warm spirits. It’s inspiring, not just as someone who finds it fulfilling to mentor, but as someone who might need help one day. I know I can approach someone honestly and receive advice.

Sometimes I doubt myself, doubt my words and think of just giving up writing altogether. But then something happens – it could be a blog post from a fellow writer, it could be an email from a reader, it could be a comment or a gesture of kindness in my world when I’m out shopping – life has a way of bringing back the light and providing a drive sometimes.

We Belong

I was always afraid I’d never fit in, you know? I’d say that’s a bit of social anxiety, maybe just casual worry – but I’ve always been an odd sort. I have a dry sense of humour, I use my words weirdly and my quietness seems to go either way, confusing folks or intriguing folks.

I’ve had many encounters over my life where people would call me strange, either in humour or in downright rejection. It’s created this perception in me that I’m an acquired taste, which I realise happens to everyone and that would mean everyone’s an acquired taste, but I still sometimes take it to mean I’m being singled out, that I am just, plainly put, really fucking weird.

On my good days, I embrace this. It is what it is – and those that stick by me are the ones that the universe meant to be for me. On my bad days, I slip into reflective shitty mode where I doubt myself – doubt, the mind killer.

My interest in BDSM complicated this at first. It gave me more things to question – to doubt. I started to feel like even more of an outcast, wondering where I belong.

BDSM eventually wound up healing me too. In fact, I would say it strengthened me. My interest in it, in D/s dynamics, forced me to look at myself, to sit down with myself and accept all the different parts of myself and eventually got them all to agree to fuse back together with me, the original.

The thing is, ladies and gents, no matter how strange you may seem to yourself, I can promise you the reality is vastly different. You do belong, you will be accepted, you have it in you to fuse together like I eventually did.

Don’t let the fear of being different pull you from your life – embrace it. Because lemme tell you something, it’s a thing of beauty to be different, to view the world in a different lens, to challenge yourself where others don’t, to walk the untrodden trail, to ask the questions others might not.

More importantly, what is normal anyway? It’s relative. It’s different, person to person. Find the things that make you happy and never look back to the crowd.

My Relationship with Anxiety

I’ve written many an article on Anxiety, yes siree. From finding ways to cope to a cry to stay strong during darker times, I’ve pretty much rambled about it all.

But in my other piece the other day, another reader / blogger on WP delved deeper – they asked about I view my own relationship with anxiety, and it got me thinking. And yes, this will be the last one for the foreseeable future.

I talk a lot about anxiety because it’s something so close to me. It’s in the vein of my family and it’s something many suffer but none want to discuss – or are too scared to. And I raise it because I know there’s a kink between it and kink.

But I am conscious of never using it as a crutch. For example, I’m generally socially awkward but I will push myself to go to the big event or to gatherings or the like. I never want to get to a point where it defines my relationships and my life so I find small ways of combatting it. I’m not stuck with it, it’s stuck with me.

My parents always taught me to be independent. My dad saw I had something in me, a writing gift (not saying I do but still) and he always ALWAYS pushed me to not settle for less. These things have formed a part of me that will push back against anxiety.

And yet I succumb when it spikes.

Before I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I panicked like crazy over a magnitude of thoughts. I obsessed and ruminated and made myself sick – it’s a record skipping on the spot. Like my mind can’t heal over this one focused spot.

This led me to study what anxiety was. And once I knew how irrational and so unlike yourself it could make you, I gradually learned how to identify thoughts that were driven by that mad-cap thinking, which meant I could put the brakes on an incoming panic attack.

I used to think ‘oh God, how am I going to live a normal life?’ – but now I know, you don’t have to settle for less. You can find ways to combat it, minimise it and be healthy. It can be done.

After suffering a panic attack and stabilising, it’s true that it affects my Dominance – my mind is so caught up that its back on the record player skipping – but after I’ve rebooted, things are calm. And any time I’ve lost with my lady, well….. *grins sadistically*

I liken my anxiety to a dormant creature. Comes out every so often for a spook show and then retreats. I realise it’s there, in my life, but I certainly don’t step on eggshells around it, constantly worried I’ll trigger it — I’m too old and stubborn to be scared anymore. And in certainly not going to use it for sympathy. I’m going to live my life how I want the way I want to. Whatever comes next, I know I’m prepared accordingly.

I hope this has helped those that had questions about my relationship with the disorder. If not, if you have more questions, I welcome them. But now, let’s get back to our regularly scheduled kink fest!

Do Not Let Anxiety Re-wire Your Mind

 

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Whether this is taken as a piece of armour to wear into the week or whether it’s taken as a word of good will in the moment, I wanted to tell you that it’s going to be okay.

I know, I know. I talk a lot about anxiety and not enough about kink – but something struck me during a recent panic attack.

If anxiety is so powerful it can alter memories and convince you of the bad, what kind of effect would that have on your future goals?

I’m guilty of avoiding places / people involved with my anxiety sometimes, because there’s a trigger effect that takes time to fade.

And after I had my attack, I wondered: What would this do to someone interested in the lifestyle, interested in rebooting their life, but when anxiety hits, they throw it all away out of fear, and in the interest of keeping things comfortable.

If I just described you, let me give you some advice: Let the fog clear. Take a mental health day, whatever comforts your mind, and let that fog clear. Because when it does, the answers to the questions you’ve been asking will most likely not be fueled by anxiety and will, in fact, be truthful.

When you’re sitting at the threshold of this new world, hand on the door that will lead you to information about yourself you’d never thought of in your wildest dreams, it’s easy to leave that door closed. Hell, I did it for most of my twenties out of pure fear.

What if I told you, leaning on a dark cane, dressed in a black suit and crimson tie, like some sort of BDSM Willy Wonka, that everything you’ve ever wondered about yourself is beyond this door.

That, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, there is a key behind there to your very existence.

I would warn you that there might be a labyrinth Beyond this door. Maybe there’s a limitless number of doors waiting to be opened for you as you progress, with little resting bays waiting in the wings for you to take break when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Enough with the psychedelic metaphors – my message is this: Don’t let anxiety drive. If it does, don’t despair about turning that car around and making up for lost time.

It may often feel that you’re taking one step forward and two steps back but — progress is progress. Even if it’s slow and doesn’t feel like it, you are still moving forward to the next door.

So: Things to take away from this read, if you’re here:

1. Don’t be dissuaded by anxiety. If Silent Hill protagonists can move through the fog, so can you.
2. Remember to take a break from absorbing information if things become overwhelming. It was for each of us, and when you’ve passed by the sensation, you can say the same to the next group of new people.
3. Try not to run from the future. Anxiety will tell you you’re a fool, but you’re not. Let the fog clear and take baby steps.
4. If you feel like you can never break free of anxiety’s funk, you’re wrong. With a little sunshine, and a tonne of patience, you will find you can lead a normal life.

THAT BEING SAID,

If you have any questions regarding this post, the lifestyle, calming techniques for anxiety or just need a mentor for a moment, please feel free to message me at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

And remember, If I can do this, so can you.

An Open Letter To Those Curious About The Lifestyle With Uninterested Partners…

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During my time maintaining this blog and befriending you kind souls, there has been a recurring theme that runs as an undercurrent to some of the lives that pass me by. And today I wanted to talk a bit about that.

The recurring element I’m speaking about is guilt and today I wanted to write for those with boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives that aren’t remotely interested in anything BDSM related.

Maybe you’ve run it by your partner once and they’ve scoffed, maybe it’s been a few times. Maybe it’s been years since you’ve mentioned it, they’ve scoffed and you’ve been struggling with this emptiness, this desire to know but guilt for feeling so, since that point in time.

Here’s the thing though – you have absolutely no reason to feel guilt. Absolutely no reason. And here’s why.

As physical as the BDSM lifestyle is, as wondrous as it can be with another partner, the meat of it is educating yourself, to research by yourself – to grow within yourself.

There’s no shame in, say reading blogs or interacting with other people. You know your boundaries, you’re an adult. Your mind, of course, will tell you differently. You’ll start to feel shame, like you’re going behind your partner’s back – but there’s no reason to feel any of those things. You are in a relationship for yourself. This growth is for yourself.

To be clear, I’m not saying you should hide things from your partner, not at all. If things progress to that state where you have to hide, I would consider sitting down with them and communicating how you feel.

No, what I’m saying is: Do not let the rejection set you back or cause shame or anxiety.

And what of your mind and its delightfully delirious fantasies, you may ask me. To this, I’ll ask you: What of them?

These feelings could be heightened by your partner’s lack of interest. They can be potent. But there is no shame in them.

Think of your desires as a piece of your soul buried and you’re the archaeologist unearthing them. It’s a slow process but you’re learning more about yourself, things you might never even have realised.

I know it is hard to not run from the darkest of desires, even when or if your partner is turning his or her nose up at the prospect. But this is who you are and I promise you there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling, with what you are wanting.

And should there come a time where you wake in the dead of the night, anxiety flaring, repeat to yourself that this is okay, that there is no shame. Because the more you fight it, the stronger your desires will come. And take it from someone who was repressed a good part of his twenties – that is not healthy.

If you find yourself unable to shake the anxieties in the night still, always feel free to write to my email in an unfiltered post, just to let any negative energy pour from yourself. I am always here.

Lastly, it needs to be said – sometimes relationships such as these do not work out. And it’s a heartbreaking terrible shame but it does occur.

Does this mean it won’t work out for you? I cannot possibly say. Some quell the mind of their partners, while others simply find that they are incompatible.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen both instances occur. I, myself, have been in a circumstance where my partner of many years was simply not interested and it led her to the arms of another man secretly.

To those who find things are incompatible, I will say this: You are strong, and you have time. It may not feel like things will become better, or that you could possibly repair yourself. But step by step, day by day, agonising hour by agonising hour – you can rebuild. You may not be the same again. But things will get better.

Do not despair. Hope is never lost.

TD&D

Dealing with feelings of fear and guilt in regards to sexuality…

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Today must be reflection day.

I’ve been looking over the emails that have come my way, the emails I will be eternally grateful for, and one common element the messages all share is a sense of fear and uneasiness and it got me thinking.

When I had my first experience as a Dom, the strangest thing happened. I could feel this surge through my entire body, this…I don’t know how to even describe it. It was like a rumbling fire. Almost like butterflies, like my stomach was constantly flipping because this was it – this was the moment, the very first moment.

And I was scared, I was freaking out. Should I be enjoying this? Shouldn’t I behave like ______? Shouldn’t I respond like ______? What is this feeling within me and why it toe-curling, stomach-churningly intoxicating.

Do you know how many times I felt this and threw it away? Felt this and threw it away? Felt this and threw it away? Time and time again. Time and time again I struggled with this transformation, like a character struggling with turning into a werewolf. I was, to risk sounding pretentious, evolving and my body was ready. But my mind was fighting it. And it took me years to accept this. I would flirt with it by jumping into chat rooms but this would last a few minutes before I felt the strangest thing.

Guilt.

Why guilt? I don’t even know.  But here’s why I am talking about this.

The common recurring message from people was guilt. That they felt ashamed, that their families might feel ashamed.
“How could they do this?” They would ask me and I would help the best way I know.
But this is the thing.

When I click my stats occasionally to make sure I am connecting with new followers, you know what I see? Visits from Pakistan, Norway, Canada, South Korea. And I wonder…I wonder how many people out there are suffering the same toe-curling, stomach churning mix of excitement, fear and guilt? How many go to write in, think they sound utterly stupid and delete the draft email? How many want to write but don’t know where to start? Well, let me tell you something – there’s no right or wrong way to write in. There’s no way to talk correctly to me or to anyone else. Be yourself. Because hey, I was right there once upon a time. I felt it then and I feel it now writing my words. And I want to give anyone that wants to write in what I didn’t have – the reassurance that you don’t have to feel guilty. Or wrong. Or afraid. Because you’re not wrong or guilty. You’re you – and that’s fucking beautiful. Do you understand? No, don’t hesitate about it. Do you understand? Scream it out, purge yourself of any fear or guilt and be yourself. If not for yourself, then for me.

And on the off chance, I am entirely delusional and no one is out there feeling that guilt and fear then…well…we can all sit back comfortably and eat our favourite snack food or whatever.