What Is The D/s Dynamic?

It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.

 

With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.

 

 

The D/s Dynamic

The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.

Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. Each partner has something within them, a longing if you will, that is something beautiful and psychological.

 

Dominance

The Dominant cannot expect the submissive to bend to his / her will. If they think that is Dominance, they are false. A good Dominant is a compassionate teacher, one willing to be patient and to guide and instruct and, above all, to love.

The Dominant is the protector of the submissive. Personally, I want to say Guardian – or Gatekeeper, as each role in the dynamic takes on a lovely, almost mythic quality.

What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.

 

Submission

 I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.

A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.

Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.

Established Boundaries

 When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.

Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.

A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.

 

And Now, A Personal Example…

 At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.

I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.

 Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.

Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.

So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Do Not Let Anxiety Re-wire Your Mind

 

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Whether this is taken as a piece of armour to wear into the week or whether it’s taken as a word of good will in the moment, I wanted to tell you that it’s going to be okay.

I know, I know. I talk a lot about anxiety and not enough about kink – but something struck me during a recent panic attack.

If anxiety is so powerful it can alter memories and convince you of the bad, what kind of effect would that have on your future goals?

I’m guilty of avoiding places / people involved with my anxiety sometimes, because there’s a trigger effect that takes time to fade.

And after I had my attack, I wondered: What would this do to someone interested in the lifestyle, interested in rebooting their life, but when anxiety hits, they throw it all away out of fear, and in the interest of keeping things comfortable.

If I just described you, let me give you some advice: Let the fog clear. Take a mental health day, whatever comforts your mind, and let that fog clear. Because when it does, the answers to the questions you’ve been asking will most likely not be fueled by anxiety and will, in fact, be truthful.

When you’re sitting at the threshold of this new world, hand on the door that will lead you to information about yourself you’d never thought of in your wildest dreams, it’s easy to leave that door closed. Hell, I did it for most of my twenties out of pure fear.

What if I told you, leaning on a dark cane, dressed in a black suit and crimson tie, like some sort of BDSM Willy Wonka, that everything you’ve ever wondered about yourself is beyond this door.

That, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, there is a key behind there to your very existence.

I would warn you that there might be a labyrinth Beyond this door. Maybe there’s a limitless number of doors waiting to be opened for you as you progress, with little resting bays waiting in the wings for you to take break when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Enough with the psychedelic metaphors – my message is this: Don’t let anxiety drive. If it does, don’t despair about turning that car around and making up for lost time.

It may often feel that you’re taking one step forward and two steps back but — progress is progress. Even if it’s slow and doesn’t feel like it, you are still moving forward to the next door.

So: Things to take away from this read, if you’re here:

1. Don’t be dissuaded by anxiety. If Silent Hill protagonists can move through the fog, so can you.
2. Remember to take a break from absorbing information if things become overwhelming. It was for each of us, and when you’ve passed by the sensation, you can say the same to the next group of new people.
3. Try not to run from the future. Anxiety will tell you you’re a fool, but you’re not. Let the fog clear and take baby steps.
4. If you feel like you can never break free of anxiety’s funk, you’re wrong. With a little sunshine, and a tonne of patience, you will find you can lead a normal life.

THAT BEING SAID,

If you have any questions regarding this post, the lifestyle, calming techniques for anxiety or just need a mentor for a moment, please feel free to message me at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

And remember, If I can do this, so can you.

2017: My Year In Review

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For me, 2017 was very much a year of progression of me. Not just in my relationship, which grows and expands each day, but in my life – my legacy. The thing I’ll take with me to the next life.

To avoid a headache, I’ll split and reflect on what I’ve encountered in a few sub headings. Let’s do this.

Some Kind of Divine Comedy

I started this year in a transitory position. Still in a new relationship, I navigated my way through the end of my college work and back out into adulthood.

Through all this, if I was Dante, Kitten was my Virgil. My guide through it all.

When I was anxious, when I doubted myself, when I sat slumped on the couch and said I should stop writing on this blog, for what do I have left to give? — Well, Kitten was there to slap me upside my head and tell me to relax.

It helped. More than I could put into words. In this blog or TO her.

Me, Myself and I

As I juggled the end of college, I also did a wee bit of mentoring as well.
For those new to the blog and wondering what mentoring details exactly, think of it like this: A mentor is there to help someone who needs a reliant source of information. Instead of, say, a delayed response on a blog, email is there as an option, as are other social networking means. Occasionally, I’ll offer up my kik, as I’m usually there chatting to mates any way.

I reassure, I answer questions. Occasionally I give ideas that might help in areas of insecurity or discipline. Anything that will act as a positive reinforcement. And what do I get out of it? Fulfilment. The knowledge that I have helped people.

It’s been a wonderful thing, because I have seen these people move on to beautiful harmony with their own partners. And it’s nice to know that I could help, even if it’s in a minuscule way.

Beyond Mentoring, I’ve challenged myself in my writing – to think outside of the box. To change. To say something different, so I don’t get stuck in monotone gear.

The results are…a work in progress. I have a default writing mode. A default writing voice. I need to figure out how to progress.

The Master in Me

In my own down time, I’ve done some reflecting on how my own feelings have changed and morphed in the year. There’s an element of a Master to me, I have discovered. A personality trait that comes out when provoked, taking sadistic glee in the humiliation of others and in his own Slave.

I say ‘element of a Master’ because I’m a weird sort of hybrid Dominant. I have so many traits within me and the one that is usually present most of my conscious days is the Daddy Dom that nurtures Kitten.

It’s a weird balance, you see. But it’s the only way I can make sense of everything that floats around my head.

Last but not least

The relationship between my kitten and I has been ever-smooth. Ever changing for the good, revealing new personality traits that are quite the spark – especially for my stories!

And yet, through all this, I find the need to push myself. For her. For myself.

It’s easy, I think, to get in the trap of living day to day in your own mind that you forget you are leading someone, taking care of someone. And I need to beat myself up less for that, while improving my mind. To be better for myself, for her, and for how my dominant self fits into the dynamic of the world around me.

Beyond that, dear reader, I am now 30. I am no longer the ‘twenty-something’ guy that started this blog. So what does the future hold in store for me? For me in the world? For kitten and I?

I’m sure you’ll find out as soon as I do. In the meantime, you should review and reflect as well.

An Open Letter To Those Curious About The Lifestyle With Uninterested Partners…

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During my time maintaining this blog and befriending you kind souls, there has been a recurring theme that runs as an undercurrent to some of the lives that pass me by. And today I wanted to talk a bit about that.

The recurring element I’m speaking about is guilt and today I wanted to write for those with boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives that aren’t remotely interested in anything BDSM related.

Maybe you’ve run it by your partner once and they’ve scoffed, maybe it’s been a few times. Maybe it’s been years since you’ve mentioned it, they’ve scoffed and you’ve been struggling with this emptiness, this desire to know but guilt for feeling so, since that point in time.

Here’s the thing though – you have absolutely no reason to feel guilt. Absolutely no reason. And here’s why.

As physical as the BDSM lifestyle is, as wondrous as it can be with another partner, the meat of it is educating yourself, to research by yourself – to grow within yourself.

There’s no shame in, say reading blogs or interacting with other people. You know your boundaries, you’re an adult. Your mind, of course, will tell you differently. You’ll start to feel shame, like you’re going behind your partner’s back – but there’s no reason to feel any of those things. You are in a relationship for yourself. This growth is for yourself.

To be clear, I’m not saying you should hide things from your partner, not at all. If things progress to that state where you have to hide, I would consider sitting down with them and communicating how you feel.

No, what I’m saying is: Do not let the rejection set you back or cause shame or anxiety.

And what of your mind and its delightfully delirious fantasies, you may ask me. To this, I’ll ask you: What of them?

These feelings could be heightened by your partner’s lack of interest. They can be potent. But there is no shame in them.

Think of your desires as a piece of your soul buried and you’re the archaeologist unearthing them. It’s a slow process but you’re learning more about yourself, things you might never even have realised.

I know it is hard to not run from the darkest of desires, even when or if your partner is turning his or her nose up at the prospect. But this is who you are and I promise you there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling, with what you are wanting.

And should there come a time where you wake in the dead of the night, anxiety flaring, repeat to yourself that this is okay, that there is no shame. Because the more you fight it, the stronger your desires will come. And take it from someone who was repressed a good part of his twenties – that is not healthy.

If you find yourself unable to shake the anxieties in the night still, always feel free to write to my email in an unfiltered post, just to let any negative energy pour from yourself. I am always here.

Lastly, it needs to be said – sometimes relationships such as these do not work out. And it’s a heartbreaking terrible shame but it does occur.

Does this mean it won’t work out for you? I cannot possibly say. Some quell the mind of their partners, while others simply find that they are incompatible.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen both instances occur. I, myself, have been in a circumstance where my partner of many years was simply not interested and it led her to the arms of another man secretly.

To those who find things are incompatible, I will say this: You are strong, and you have time. It may not feel like things will become better, or that you could possibly repair yourself. But step by step, day by day, agonising hour by agonising hour – you can rebuild. You may not be the same again. But things will get better.

Do not despair. Hope is never lost.

TD&D

The Work Of Gods


‘The Mother and Father made us in their image. We should glory in our bodies, for they are the work of Gods.”

– A Dance With Dragons, Tyrion IV

Apart from being rich in imagination and vast in entertainment and scope, fantasy – or should we say George R. R. Martin – has some wealth of information you can seek out.

Not that you probably need reminding in this here blog – I like to promote self-love in all its manifestations like it was religious. Boil it down to a dogged mind and a persistence in disciplining the mind – and hopefully that of the mind of you, Dear reader. 

Regardless, Martin said it better than me.

‘We should glory in our bodies, for they are the work of Gods’. It’s a powerful sentence, isn’t it?

The work of Gods. 

The scene from the novel describes a Septa – clergy women in the world of the novel who are ‘sworn to celibacy, sometimes serving noble houses as governesses and tutors to the daughters of lords, teaching them in matters of etiquette and history and activities such as sewing…’ (Taken from the Game of Thrones wiki page) – as she uncharacteristically undressed in front of someone for her morning bath and ritual. It’s not a gratuitous scene, it’s not sensationalised, she’s merely bathing. In fact, the scene says more about her as a character and what that will mean in later chapters than anything. 

But back on track…

Sure, we can look down at our bodies and think to ourselves ‘Ha! Cruel Gods, maybe’. But the Gods (or THE God, depending on the individual) surely can only bring us so far. The rest of the way, we have to find ourselves.

For me, the sentence opened my mind. It was a revelation. We are the work of Gods. I like that. The next time I look at the palms of my hand in a quiet evening – or the next time I consider myself lucky to gaze upon my kitten’s freckles in sacred spots no other man will ever witness (For I’ll tear out his throat and shower in his blood), I’ll think on the sentence. The work of Gods. 

We need to think less negative and think more positive. Re-wire our brains to see what’s a value, rather than an exaggerated defect. Love yourself the next time you’re disrobing in front of a mirror. Love yourself the next time you spot a stretch mark, or a freckle. Love yourself even in times of thinking your cock is too small, too big, breasts too lopsided or triangular (unfortunately, in my times of sisters and ex-girlfriends, these words I have heard uttered).

Don’t like your body? Bothered by your pubic hair? (Don’t snicker, it’s a thing) Find a way to improve yourself – so that in your eyes you are Happy and centred. 

For everything else, it’s always a work in progress! 

In Which I Discuss Teenage Readership (If Any)

When I was a teenager, I felt isolated from the adult world. I felt like there was a secret community I wasn’t a part of, that there was a joke I couldn’t hear yet because I didn’t know it. 

Some adults treated me that way. They’d scoff if I asked a naive question. They’d laugh with others if I showed a moment of weakness and fear,

Just recently, I had an email from a reader in which they felt the need to clarify they were 18+. And I get that, because if I had to rate my blog it’d probably be 18+ for its Erotica and sometimes my language. 

But, readers, at the same time I’m conflicted. I’m conflicted because I don’t want to be that adult that isolates a teenager from learning or asking questions. Because I was that teenager. And looking back, I’d like to think there could be an adult that was available for questions, should they write in to me. In which case I would never turn anyone away or betray their trust.

At the same time, teenagers are growing up way too fast. When I was a teenager, the internet was still in its dial up stages. Blogs and information wiki’s were unheard of. And now teenagers have access to all that, should they so desire. So maybe this blog post is all for naught. Maybe it’s all good. My blog – after all – is just a drop of water in an ocean of information. 

However, I will say this: if you’re under 18 or just on 18, if you need to run a question by me or need reassurance you’re not insane, you’re not alone. You can write to me and I can promise you I won’t judge. 

Somehow you’ve found yourself here, and through my blog there are some other beautiful blog authors that can help you. You’ve found a friendly network now.

Dear Teenagers Nervous About BDSM…

When you’re a teenager and you’re navigating your sexuality, it can feel like the scariest thing in the world.

Who can you talk to? How do you learn? Can you talk to adults on the web or will they think you’re silly and turn you away like the others have? Worst case scenario: Will they abuse your trust and attempt to flirt with you?

It wasn’t easy in the age of no internet and it certainly isn’t easy now even with all this information at your fingertips ready to be absorbed.

As a perverted teenager into BDSM, I found my way by falling a lot. And often stood in circles listening to others laugh or frown at the very idea of BDSM and other such kink related things.

If things are overwhelming you, if you feel like you’re trapped and cannot talk to anyone without feeling ashamed or – worse – invalid – then I’ve got a few concepts for you to consider:

You’re Not Alone

Your sexual thoughts, your desires, and your questions do not – I repeat – DO NOT make you – silly, stupid, invalid, wrong, a freak, disgusting – any of those things.

I guarantee you that whatever you’re feeling or thinking or even fantasising about, someone has experienced that before. That’s not to say you aren’t unique – because each of us ARE – rather it means the kink you think is rare or weird isn’t as rare or weird as you think.

I used to feel the same way. I mean, I was a teen with a brother-sister incest fantasy. And you know what? That led me to other people who felt as weird as I did.

The weird thing about the universe is that it leads you to certain people. They’ll be drawn to you and vice versa. Something to consider when the going gets tough.

 

Journal Your Thoughts, Fears and Dreams

What do you fantasise about? What do you want to explore? What keeps you up at night? Write it down.

When it comes to you, your mind and the page, you’d be surprised where your mind goes and what you write down.

I used to keep a journal of all my feelings – and that damned thing survived three relationships and a fuck tonne of moping.

More than this, you might find yourself discovering new things about the way your mind works.

You learn to analyse in a way, and in doing so you find yourself coming back to a moment that can help define whatever it is you are seeking or whatever you are exploring.

So long as you are truthful with yourself, you can go as deep into your psyche as you want to learn about your ticks.

 

The Only Silly Question Is The One Not Asked

I used to hate asking questions. Why? Because I felt like a total idiot. I felt like a bother. And I always felt like the person I was asking didn’t feel like they should have to explain it – and that’s partly on me and my anxieties and partly on the personality of the individual.

IF you come across a person who seems annoyed or aggressive because of you asking questions, chances are they’re not the person you should be asking. So don’t take that as a reflection of you, some people just don’t want that job of answering questions. That’s on them. NOT on you.

My advice to teenagers is this: Find your voice, gather your words, and practice speaking openly. No question is too wild or dumb, because that is how you learn. So one day you might help someone else in need.

I suffered low self esteem. I hated my voice. I mumbled and was quiet. I screwed up words constantly. I had to discipline myself to be okay with asking questions – to speak up. And if a lowly person such as myself can do it, you can do it too!

 

Challenge Your Mind Constantly

Push your boundaries. Be open to new experiences, new sights, new sounds.

Do you struggle with body issues? Try being nude more, just doing small everyday things like cleaning your room, listening to music. Become use to your body. Love who you are. Is there a kink you don’t like? Why? Define your answers, explore your reasoning. Is there an act that makes you uncomfortable? What is it? Why does it affect you so?

Lastly: Do not be afraid of your inner darkness. Some people, when they are confronted with their true selves, run away screaming.

But you can only run so far before you form a circle and end up face to face with your primal side, if such a thing lays dormant within you.

If it does, remember this: You’ve survived it before, you can do it again.

 

Talk To Someone If You Need To

Absolutely this. If there’s a recurring worry, if there’s a nightmare that’s woken you up, if you have a general question, consider talking to your closest friend. Consider writing to a blog writer or forum. There are many avenues you can choose to find help, it is never too late and there is never a limit to how many questions you can ask. If things are overwhelming, never ever hesitate – I cannot stress this enough.

On top of that, you can always feel free to email me if you have something to say, need advice, have a question, just need to write after a bad dream – anything.

My contact is in the ABOUT ME section of the blog.

It may feel like things are overwhelming, like there is too much information out there.

If you’re a teenager and you feel cornered and alone and just need advice, you’re not alone. I’m here to talk to, night or day. If you write in, no matter how jumbled you may feel your words will be, I’ll write back. I promise.

And if you ever feel you can’t possibly learn all these new things, remember – baby steps. One day at a time. In time, you’ll learn all you want to know.

If I can do it, you can.