WHAT IS BDSM?
So you’ve decided to explore the world of BDSM and somehow you’ve ended up here in the dark corners of the Internet! Welcome! Pull up a chair. We’ve got some things to discuss.
By choosing to explore this, you’ve taken a step into the realm of BDSM, a place where Dominants and submissive’s and switch’s dwell. But where do you begin? Where to even start thinking?
BDSM stands for
Discipline / Dominance
Submission / Sadism
The fundamentals of which involve the interaction between a Dominant and submissive. These interactions can be entirely physical (Bondage, spanking, choking) or entirely psychological (Degradation, humiliation, scene play). The type of interaction will depend on whether kink aligns or whether exploration of kink comes into play. This is purely subjective.
Within the Dominant and submissive are different dynamics. The Daddy / little girl, the Master / slave are an example of this. These are variations of the core idea of a submissive and Dominant that can shape a relationship.
So are you a submissive or a Dominant? If you are here reading this, chances are you have an idea of which you fall into. Maybe you have a bit of both personalities rolled up into that beautiful mind of yours!
In any case, I have some textbook reading for you to research, you’ll find them below!
There’s a misconception that people into BDSM are freaky. Maybe you’ve heard it from family in passing, maybe you’re worried you are a freak. The truth of the matter is that you and people like you are intelligent, in tune with something deeply intimate and erotic.
BDSM is about Trust first and foremost.
The submissive gives it to the Dominant and the Dominant cares for, nurtures and protects the submissive. In turn, the submissive trusts that the Dominant will respect their boundaries, which is where a ‘safe word’ comes into play.
You may also think of BDSM and think something along the lines of a dungeon and while there are places / rooms like that, the only dungeon you really need is that dirty mind of yours. BDSM is largely psychological – you plan out with your partner, talk through your kinks, limits, methods, exploration. When you are in the middle of playing, there’s a deep level of intimacy connecting minds. This is called NEGOTIATING and it’s very important when establishing etiquette, rules and scenes.
Being such a sensitive topic, a fault can easily arise in a relationship if things are communicated clearly.
THE SUBMISSIVE IS IN CHARGE
Pretty much. While a Dominant’s role is to guide, care, nurture, protect the submissive, the submissive states the boundaries, limits and other such elements that they are not comfortable with.
There’s also the matter of the submissive choosing the Dominant as someone worthy to take her as a pet / slave / submissive. This should be remembered by all submissive’s. You hold the power. You are important.
BDSM AND ABUSE
This unfortunately must be covered. Because the topic is sensitive and things might go unspoken, there’s always the risk of a Dominant abusing their power without the submissive realising, just like the submissive might get away with too much because they might see that Dominant as easily persuaded.
I think this can be negated by establishing limits, ideals and so forth and by communicating errors / other such ideas that you feel affects you.
As I say to my partner, if she has a problem with how a certain things are handled, she can raise it without fear of punishment. If she didn’t understand something, either I didn’t explain well or went back on an established rule or whatever the case may be.
SSC (Safe. Sane. Consensual)
This one is super important, and one I’ll probably write a separate article on for good measure.
Just because a Dominant may be a Dominant does not grant them ability to walk over anyone, be it a submissive or another Dominant. And the same goes for the submissive. Respect each other and these three concepts.
Whatever the scene is, run it by each other for good measure. Check it again and any problems that may hurt physically or psychologically. Double check it. Check the environments, the setting, the materials used. Make sure everything is safe. Make sure medical conditions, again – physical or mental, don’t become hurt in the process.
You don’t get to manipulate anyone. Everything is agreed upon. Don’t go beyond the rules because you think ‘You can’. Nope. Not on. Always discuss what you want to do, always discuss exploration. Because the Dom gives to the submissive – and vice versa, doesn’t mean one or the other has the right to exploit. There are morals at play. That and we are human. Be mindful at all times.
All activities should be fully approved by all parties engages within the activity. There must be no room for doubt. Every thing is under simulation unless discussed in a contract or otherwise. Don’t break limits or respects or promises. BE careful.
Are you with me still? I sure hope so. It can be daunting learning all this but turning away from it will never set you free. One day at a time, one day step at a time. With time comes understanding, with understanding comes peace.
The world of BDSM is a deeply sensual and beautiful place. That you are here reading this should be a time for exploration, celebration and merriment. I hope to hear from you!
1. SM101 by Jay Wiseman
2. Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Phillip Miller & Molly Devon
3. The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren
4. Conquer me by Kacie Cunningham