On Inexperience, Writing & Self-Exploration

I’ve been pondering about a question that came my way…gosh, a few months ago now I think? Time has been weird lately – but it was about whether someone who is new to BDSM could write about it, fictional or otherwise, successfully? Or have it be correct in any way?

I’ve been thinking about experience a lot – when it comes to BDSM. I’ve been in a bit of a teacher / mentor mood, I guess, because someone new to the lifestyle wrote in to me and expressed frustrations about being ghosted by a potential Dom due to a lack of experience.

I can’t say I agree with that reasoning but I certainly understand how one could come to think like that. But I digress.

I think that when it comes to writing about BDSM, it’s important to trust in where your mind wants to go, do you understand? Because when you put pen to paper, you ignite your mind. You form a sentence. Then another one. Then you create a paragraph.

Or you don’t. Instead, your heart’s a mess and so is your writing. But it’s down, it’s on the screen or the page and you’ve trapped it. Whatever is in your head is there, frozen in time. A symbol of YOU.

What I’m saying is – writing is cathartic. And through exploring it, you’ll find pieces of your self, through which you night learn some truths about your tastes.

And if you want to write about a specific moral scenario – a rape fantasy, say – do what feels right to you. It’s only a fantasy. But if that’s not enough, write your thoughts on it in a seperate file or page. Explore how you feel about whatever it is you are confronting. Hell, ask the community. Ask me, my door is open.

Regardless of inexperience. Or shyness.

Writing…whether you want to and you’re either a dominant or a submissive or both, it’s about discipline. It’s about sitting down and confronting structure. Not just of words but of your mind. So find a time in the day to write 300 words. Do it again the next day. Leave each break on a moment you are excited to come back to. In a week, you’ll have a decent chunk of the story or your thoughts out.

As for that pesky experience thing, that’s another realm of variables. What if you are knowledgable enough about BDSM but aren’t in a circumstance to explore physically to gain more of an understanding of your wants and needs?

The best answer I have for that is one that might not be to your interests. When I was alone – a lonely dominant, I guess you could say, I peered into the depths of my sexuality. I explored and became comfortable with nudity. I explored my pain threshold, my comfort with verbal degradation. I found new ways to heighten masturbation. Little things that excited and stimulated my mind.

Everybody is different though and to that, one must find what works for them. But still, I think there are things you can do to gain experience.

Please don’t let shyness deter you. Or your writing. Or your self-exploration. Or from reaching out to a friend, the community, a Dom or sub or even me. There’s no easy way to say this but you’re going to have to jump into that pool if you want to write or to reach out. And just like coming up for air after that plunge, it all feels a little bit better after you jump.

Seriously though. You’ve got this.

BDSM Social Media and Our Own Anxieties

I was scrolling along Fetlife the other day and a thought occurred to me of how awkward it can be for newcomers to make friends or meet someone or even work up the courage.

I mean, that shit is hard enough without the BDSM interests and desire to converse with others in the lifestyle, not to mention the interests in wanting to put yourself out there but finding yourself frozen.

Fetlife can be a great way to get to know others and to get involved in the community but it certainly can be awkward at first, especially if you’re like me and can be incredibly anxious in social situations and so forth. Or just straight up shy.

A good thing to remember is to go at your own pace. You can push yourself in tiny increments but only if you feel comfortable talking in the group settings or going to munches or other such events.

If you feel overwhelmed with it all, do not feel bad or silly or like you can’t ever be kinky. Some have those thoughts – I know I did – but it’s important to recall that we all grow in our own ways at different times.

If you’re ever unsure about what you want or what is proper etiquette when it comes to being spoken to or speaking to someone – there are communities out there that can be helpful. Reddit has a good community for this, with its own BDSM sub-reddit for advice. There are still some small communities across Instagram, Twitter and Tumblr – even post-infinity snap.

Working on or identifying what is making you feel anxious or inferior or weird can help you feel a bit more confident. Tell yourself that what you are thinking and feeling is okay and has certainly been thought of before, by those around you and long before you too. Make a habit of it.

Me? I did it with nude selfies. I felt unattractive (still do at times) and I fought it – and my guilt at liking kink – by putting up nude selfies and experimenting with risky photos of myself. It helped boost my confidence.

Take it from a guy that grew up in a severe, sexually repressed and conservative catholic household and now has the time of his life with rape fantasies. You’re going to feel guilty, weird and insane but don’t let those feelings own you. They will fluctuate and pass. See it as you’re exploring a fantasy within safe parameters.

Keeping a journal can be a productive way of keeping track of your thoughts – or of trapping them to the page where you can digest them and reflect upon them. Writing your thoughts down can lead to truth and clarity. Sometimes it’s good to just write a fantasy, even if you can’t write well, just give it a go and see where you end up. All of this made me feel a bit more peaceful and a bit less chaotic and maybe it’ll help you too.

Maybe Fetlife or other social aspects of the BDSM community isn’t for you and that’s fine. I don’t go to munches or events because it’s not really my thing. People are wired differently.

But if social anxiety or doubt or insecurity is gnawing at you and you want to drop into these things, just remember you can take baby steps to challenge yourself and no one will judge you for it. You are the captain of your own soul.

Late Night Little Musings

One of the things I love dearly about writing this blog are the people it’s brought into my life for whatever reason.

I don’t feel qualified to answer questions, partly for self doubt, the killer of dreams, and partly because I still feel like I’m learning myself and thus young myself. But I like to help because sometimes I can see myself in some who write in. And sometimes I just like to help.

Some people I’ve made friends with, exchanged emails back and forth, others I talk to for a time before they feel confident to go fight on their own and I don’t hear from them again or I occasionally get an update.

Sometimes someone gets in touch and we talk a bit on and off and then I never hear from them again. I get that though. Life is distracting, busy. You gain confidence, you lose confidence. Your work, your routine, even your own thoughts get in the way of you reaching out.

I feel that because I’m still working on a way to not be so physically unable to check in with people in my own life. I know that relentless inability to take that step – and it’s maddening.

Sometimes it’s something and sometimes it’s nothing. Either that makes sense or quarantine is affecting my brain – amongst other things.

Just know my email is always open and operative. You’re not a burden, you’re not a bother, you’re not in the wrong place and you’re always welcome so long as you have that need to talk.

I’ll be here if or when you’re ready should that day come!

BDSM In The Time Of Coronavirus

Hello there, ladies and gents! How are you in your part of the world? How are you feeling personally? If you’re in a D/s relationship, how are the two of you? Or more?

For some people, self isolation and quarantine is not much of a challenge at all. My twitter can attest to the kinky fuckery that continues in some of your households.

I, myself, am an introvert and worked from home anyway so it’s not much of a difference, except for the fact of what’s going on the outside running through my head.

But now that my lady is working from home, our dynamic, while there, has shifted in little ways. Little ways but different all the same. For starters, there’s the fact that she’s extroverted and enjoys being sociable and working from home is weird for her on so many levels.

For me, as a dominant, it’s challenging because I’m suddenly apply thinking in ways I normally wouldn’t. I’m not talking setting scenes in different parts of the house – that’s always been in my depraved mind – but in ways to help soothe her soul, her restlessness.

It helps to be cheeky. It helps to take some of that wild spirit within you and sprinkle it throughout the week, you know? A cheeky caress here, a sly reminder there. Remind each other of what exists between you but don’t overwhelm, especially if your work from home becomes overwhelming itself.

But what then? Let’s see. Could you shake up the established rule even more? Try something you’ve never tried sexually, if such a thing exists? What sort of tasks can you create? If you’re a dominant and you want to set a writing task, what topic of choice could you make it? Where can you dance and explore when things are limited to your own home.

It becomes a Theater of the mind – and not just for couples but for those who are single or not yet where they want to be as either a dominant or submissive.

In any case, writing can help centre the mind – be it fantasies, aspirations or musings. Writing can help shed light, can help fill your moments with colour. It can help soothe the soul.

If writing is not your jam, there are other things to consider. What are some things you want to explore? Or work on within yourself? Even setting daily goals – be it a mantra to recite or to finally get around to that thing you keep putting off can make yourself feel good.

It’s going to be hard and it will require some discipline for either yourself or your partner to think of ways to satisfy these sides of yourself but it can be done, even in the comfort of your home – pleasure room or no.

My Email Is Still Active!

I just wanted to put out this little note-blog thing to say that my email address for the blog – darkanddominant@hotmail.com – is certainly active and I do still check it frequently throughout the week.

I’ve had a lovely stranger write in and ponder if my email was active and whether their words would reach me. On the off chance that there are others out there – newcomers, new readers, people working up courage, I don’t know – please know that whatever you pour into an email doesn’t go unread or unheard or off into the yonder. I read and respond to every email. So please don’t be dissuaded by that.

I don’t know if that quells anyone’s minds or whether I’m writing to no one but I thought I should put it out there just in case!

Have a lovely weekend!

TD&D

February Q/A!

1. I know it’s more common for a submissive to develop feeling for his/her Dominant, so has one of your submissives ever admitted to having feelings for you? How did you handle it? Have you ever fallen in love with one of your submissives and did you act on those feelings?

My current relationship is actually my first 24/7ish D/s relationship and by the time we discovered we were both kinky, we had developed feelings. So I have fallen in love with A submissive, but I didn’t own her before hand.

I don’t think I could exist in a situation where I could have a submissive and not have that affection. Does that make sense? I’m very…I don’t know, heartfelt? Or just sensitive or emotional. Like, if I’m going to dominate someone, there has to be some serious affection there.

I know that when people have asked me to help them as a sort of BDSM mentor, I acted as a stern alarm for whatever they needed reminding with, like shaking off putting a gym workout off. But that’s not a D/s thing, they aren’t my dominant or submissive, I’m just a life coach in certain situations.

2. A good partner can be hard to find. With that being said, sometimes, your partner ends up being on the other side of the globe. Have you ever had a play partner that was long distance? If so, how did you handle the distance? 

I have! And it gets awkward trying to work around time zones, especially if it’s a few dats in a row and you’re just exhausted by the early mornings or late nights. But it’s certainly manageable after a developed structure!

Plus it’s so much easier now! You have Skype and the Internet and phones and other chat things. Back in my day, we’re talking 2005 now haha, I had to sit on a computer and plug in a clunky webcam and watch as my play partner lagged on the screen.

But how did I handle the distance? A lot of scheduling and a lot of Skype. Calls on the way to work, calls coming from work. The little moments yeah? Hearing her pant from her caffeinated brisk walk. Those are fond memories.

There’s more to that though. Since I’m a dork for the psychological interaction between a dominant and submissive, long distance allowed more opportunity for those little things. Like exercises she could do, that I gave her, that would keep her mind on me and her submission. These tasks were to send a selfie of a morning or to write my name across her tits. Little things that felt like they would linger.

3. What do you think is your craziest or weirdest kink? Are you able to persuade your submissives to dive into those kinks with you?

Well, there’s two things that I think are my craziest and weirdest kinks. Nope, three. There’s three now that are sharing the spot. I just thought of another.

I think the first one is my more primal self. My kitten is definitely primal but sometimes I just want to run naked through the wild and just roll in the mud. I feel like she’d be way more shy than I to do that. She is quite reserved. So while I can happily walk through the door with her into pet play or being more outspoken like a primal, I don’t think she shares the same feral animal energy that I have.

What was the second thing? Oh! Looking into her eyes as she plays. Having her look at me while she plays. To me, that’s incredibly sexy. To look into someone’s eyes as they play. Watching their eyes widen, lips trembling, soft moans come out as they are forced to watch me. I feel like I’m seeing so much more of that person in that moment. But also, at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling of a predatory serial killer. Too many horror movies.

The third thing is a silly, humorous thing. I bought DC underwear for my kitten – so think Riddler print, Poison Ivy. I’ll link a photo! Look. It’s a geeky thing, mainly. I just like seeing her in the underwear. So if you have underwear with, like, Batman or Joker or other super heroes, I wholeheartedly approve!

4. Do you believe in having only one submissive at a time or do you like to have multiple at once? If you have multiple, have you ever made multiple submissives play with each other?

I don’t think I could do multiple submissive at once, mainly because I would only want to focus on one soul at a time and explore that mind.

But also because I’m a possessive dominant slightly. I wouldn’t want the hypothetical second submissive to be seeing a hypothetical second dominant. I’d want her all to myself, thus creating a paradoxical event due to my wanting one soul at a time but having two. Does that make sense? I feel I’m getting tangled in my own head.

5. I believe that once you’ve found your “perfect” match, you should hold onto them. What qualities would you look for in your “forever” sub?

Someone that shared a lot of my interests, sexual and otherwise, but also had a whole treasure chest of their own for us to explore. Someone that I could sit down with at the end of the day and laugh and be sarcastic with and share a beautiful emotional bond with.

Someone who was the masochist to my Sadist, who is hungry to ask and explore and discover. Someone who is as dorky or geeky as I am, who likes their sci-fi or anime or such as much as they like their ass being whipped or their nipples pulled, but who likes cuddles in the winter as much as choking in the summer.

More than that, I just want them to be themselves. Because I would want to explore who that person is inside and out.

6. Is sexual dominance and submissiveness learned or something one is born with?

Maybe both! I want to say they are born with the traits there that will develop into either dominant or submissive but maybe it’s just a development. Maybe it comes from our relationships with our parents, the media we grow with. Some people – who don’t like kink or BDSM – I feel like they don’t want to peel back the curtain and see into the shadowy parts of the mind. They’re happy living in their lives and that’s great. But I feel like there are those that want to explore these other tendencies, that have that aspect in their brain right? It’s just there in them as opposed to others.

Maybe that leads kinky folk down a path of self-examination. I don’t know. I’m not a psychologist, I’m just a musing writer, standing naked with a hard on on a hilltop asking the questions to the Gods.

I know I had an interest in other things in life – I started watching horror movies. I liked the idea of the scared naked teen getting stalked. I know I gravitated towards heavy metal – heavier music, heavier themes.

I know I woke up one day and later would explore humiliation and degradation with a girlfriend, thrilled by the edge, by the unknown and how that made me feel.

But why? Your guess is as good as mine.

This was fun! We should do it again. If you have any questions or these questions brought on new questions, be my guest and ask away.

So This Blog Has Been Running For Five Years Today.

^ I never used to be comfortable with choking until my current partner, my kitten, egged me on like the low-key shit stirrer she knows she can be. That’s why I used this picture. Once upon a time, I used to squirm at choking. I used to feel nothing but distraught and guilt. I still do but now, at least, it comes with a level of horniness, precise control and sadistic glee.

But hello! Happy Thursday! According to WordPress, today marks the five year anniversary of this here blog. Since I’m sentimental about time measurement, I thought I’d indulge in a little note here.

I can’t start a sentence with a ‘I just want to thank…’ without thinking I’m accepting an award BUT I do genuinely want to thank each and every reader out there – the lurkers, the ones who found the courage to ask questions for themselves, the ones who trusted me enough to take me on as a mentor – or life coach, I suppose. Or is that lifestyle coach? Either way, I thank you for your endless support, your constructive criticisms, your challenging and friendly debates and your presence alone.

This blog has been an invaluable source of inspiration and growth for me, as has the people who comment in because concepts have arisen that have helped me reflect upon myself – such as that time I co-wrote a piece with a fellow writer about sadism and why I’m that way. But I feel like I’m still growing and finding things out about myself.

If I learned one thing about this experience, as both a human and a dominant, it’s that writing out my thoughts and reflecting has helped. So don’t let time slip by you. Challenge your thoughts, be who you want to be. Write for yourself. And don’t forget, as long as I’m running this weird blog, you’re never out of an anxiety buddy or someone to unload to!

One last thing. I’m always open to suggestions or things you’d like to see a focus on for this blog. If there’s something you’d like to hear about, let me know! Because chances are, it’s a window open for me.

Kneel For Me

How do I feel about kneeling?

I think it is a beautiful, soulful exchange. There’s something tender and touching about it, something exhilarating and erotic. About guiding her posture and looking into her eyes. About helping her to recite her mantra when she feels down or flat, so that she may be feel some semblance of how I see her.

O! If only I could create a gateway from my mind to hers, so she could see once and for all how I feel about her, as my friend and my pet and my whore and my submissive. How I’ve been wanting to write about her eyes but no world has never felt good enough to sketch in.

But it goes beyond just wanting that for her, it goes beyond wanting to lift her up. There’s a slight possessiveness, laced with a stab of guilt, at wanting to see her like no one else has. Of having – stealing – this moment in time to share together. Of feeling an insatiable, incredible desire that yearns for control and protocol and rules in a way I still don’t understand. This is a part that wrestles with other parts of me. Most times I want to earn her trust, that right to have her kneel. Most times I want to be worthy.

Sometimes I want to be greedy. I want to take. To force. To humiliate and degrade.

“Oh look at you, you poor tormented thing. Look how eager you are, how hard your nipples are. You’ve got it bad”. She’s got it bad, I think? No. I’ve got it bad. Sometimes my mind runs to sadistic tangents and fantasies. Sometimes it doesn’t care because it just wants the view of her bare ass, reflecting back at me from the full length mirror, ready to be marked red.

But there’s beauty in that sadism, beauty in the squeaks and gasps and cries and quiet “Yes, Sir.” or “Sorry, Sir. I couldn’t help myself.”

There’s beauty in these exchanges, on this day or the next.

Wouldn’t you agree?

I’m Gathering Questions for a later Q/A so Ask Me Anything!

Hullo ladies and gentlemen!

We’re at the end of February, seasons will be shifting soon and moods will be changing. I thought that now would be a good time to put it out there that I’d love to do another Q/A with my readers – new or regular.

Anything goes, really. There’s no boundaries to anything you want to ask. It can be about your own journey, it can be about me or something I’ve written, it could be about something you want me to write about, it could be questions about dating or D/s or — anything. For me, as long as you’re comfortable, the sky is the limit!

Please feel free to ask via commenting below or you are always welcome, submissive male or female, dominant female or male, slave, pet, newbie – whoever! – to write to me personally. You can reach me at my Twitter or at my email – darkanddominant@hotmail.com

I’ll be hoarding questions and answering them sometime in this last week of Feb so don’t worry about having too many. The only silly question is the one not asked!

Have a beautiful weekend!

Don’t Let Others Affect Your Kinky Mind

When I was starting to learn about BDSM and kink and dominance, one of the things that was terrible to shake was the idea of what other people thought. What would they think of me or my fantasies? Would they shun me or turn their nose up at me? Did I really think I was kinky when I was just mad?

It took a loooooong time to feel comfortable about myself and my fantasies – which happened to lead to this blog. I’ve been blessed to have people follow and enjoy what I write. It’s given me confidence and in many ways, a safe haven.

Even now, I will get some unsavoury responses to some of my stories or fantasies that I’ve put out there. That’s fine, because people are different and enjoy different things and have different approaches – but sometimes it can still sting a little.

My story – In The Flesh – a particularly dark (dark for me because I let myself go to dark places mentally) erotic story – I’ve been asked if I would actually DO something like that. I welcome questions that engage in whatever I write, because that’s fruitful and stimulating for me. Anyone can write in to me. But it made me think. Is it bad if I say, yes, in a controlled environment, I WOULD do something like that. Yes indeed. And it would make me hard and giddy and switch on this sadistic, Master-like aspect in me.

I guess what I’m trying to write is that I feel something so strongly as that and every once in a while I’ll take a step back and think “Woah, IS there something wrong with me?”. A fleeting thought, but a thought nonetheless.

I think, for those just looking to explore BDSM and kink, that you should by all means have your dark fantasies. And the best thing you can do is think freely without wondering what others think of you, so long as you understand the boundary between reality and play – OR, at least, the boundaries of consensual non-consent.

It may still sting from time to time, if you’re anything like me, but in time you will come to see that everyone operates in a different world and see through their own reality. So should you. And don’t you forget that!