Ask A Dominant – April Q/A!

I haven’t done a Q/A on this blog since December, 2018. It’s been four months – summer has come and gone, autumn is here and how have we changed?

I always like to do one of these because they’re fun and stimulating and maybe they can reach out to someone out there, lurking and reading.

As always, if you have any questions about the dynamic or lifestyle or me or my writing, you are welcome to comment in the comments below – or email me personally at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

Here are some recent questions I’ve had come my way that I’d like to share.

What inspires your writing? An image you see, a fantasy that resides in the dark corners of your mind or something else? Do you ever write a story based on something your kitten wishes to explore?

The inspiration for my writing comes from so many different things! A dream, a line someone says to me in real life! A look kitten gives me, a nightmare I had that was vaguely sensual.

Usually inspiration comes from exploring a fantasy of mine, from tapping into my primal side and exploring the most vulnerable and raw feelings that bubble to the surface. Emotions I’m scared to confront, emotions born from a really weird fantasy that I need to capture to control.

Sometimes I like finding creating conflict in the mind of a character and seeing how I can utilise that conflict in an erotic way.

There have been a few poems and stories based on what kitten wanted to explore, indeed! A Kitten for Christmas is a recent story that I can think of off the top of my head. But you can find traces of us in stories about being primal and exploring pet play!

What’s it like for a dominant when your sub has to use the safe word? Are you disappointed? Insecure? Or is it just no big deal?

When I originally answered this question to a reader and dear friend of mine, I couldn’t think of a time in which I had to stop because kitten uttered our safe word. But that’s my memory for you – scatterbrained. I have since remembered that indeed had to stop.

And what’s it like? Well, first and foremost the safety and well-being of my lady comes first. There’s simply no question to that. If she’s not having fun, I’m not having fun.

To set the scene, we were pushing the limits of her pain threshold and we found it. I wasn’t disappointed or insecure but I was curious – and as a Dominant (and someone socially awkward at the best of times) I was faced with a bit of a challenge – I didn’t want to be a dingus and hurt her further so I took the time to comfort her

We discovered a new thing about her that day and it’s something that we know about when we play in the future!

—————-

There’s no judgement here on this blog – feel free to speak up with your wonderful voice!

30 Days of Dominance – Day 30: Is Your Dominance being met? 

Day 30 – Is your need to be Dominant being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and be happy and content without being able to express your Dominance in the way that feels best to you? What makes being a Dominant special to you?
Okay guys, this one’s the last one. It’s late but blame that on my mood and life being busy with its birthday dinners and fatigue on my soul.

Is my need to be Dominant being met? A resounding YES! I don’t feel edgy because I can’t be myself. I’m not wallowing in the dark because I’m in a bad place.
Now that side of me is fulfilled each and every day and you know, I still breathe a sigh of relief. 
It’s been a couple of years since I was in a relationship where I had tried to introduce BDSM gently into my life but my partner wasn’t interested. And I can still feel that yearning like it was just a couple of months. 
Maybe that was because I was caged or maybe because it was just a restrictive environment and something that has always been big to me is my independence. So since it was affecting me emotionally and in such a huge way, I can still kind of feel it. 
What makes being a dominant special to me? Hmm. It’s knowing that I have this person’s trust and it’s knowing that I have someone to explore the things that make our humanity a richer experience. So it’s trust but it’s also more then trust, it’s that this person has given their body and mind to me – and I’m their guardian. I know this person, inside and out. That little freckle on her nipple? It’s mine. Her gentle nature that people compliment her on? Mine. Her large sexual appetite? Mine. 
Being in charge of all of these things, of connecting to a soul in this lifetime, on a primal and intimate level. It’s complicated and mystifying and magical and sweet and that’s why it’s special. 

30 Days of Dominance – Day 28: Has Your Dominance ever failed you?

Day 28 – Has your Dominance ever failed you? Have you ever been criticised or received negative feedback for your Dominance? Have you ever regretted your actions or emotions as a Dominant either in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and, if so, what lessons did you learn and how did you apply them?
Oh absolutely yes! Yes I have failed. Yes I have received negative feedback and yes I regret certain actions in a moment. 
I think we all do. I think to err is to be human, or however it goes. But more importantly, I think it’s the way to learn. To improve yourself, to learn why things went wrong, where YOU went wrong. All these things and more. 
There have been times where I’ve misread a moment and my Dom side has startled my kitten. 
That look she gives me, the wounded, how could you do this? Look, that breaks my heart. Completely and utterly. In that moment, I’m destroyed. 

It doesn’t happen as much as it did when we were first learning but there are times where I fail to read the moment. In that moment, we openly talk about the error I made or the miscommunication and we improve and move forward and I think that’s great. 
And it would always come back to something I had said, which when released into the world was read a different way by my kitten. And when she mentions it, I can see where I went wrong. 
What lessons did I apply? A personal one. For me to listen and be adaptive to encounters – whatever they may be at the time. 
It also taught me to carefully consider my words and all possible alternative meaning to them before hand. 

30 Days of Dominance – Day 26 – What submissive qualities do you like?

Day 26 – What are the qualities that you seek in a submissive partner? Are there qualities which you consider ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’? If so, what are they and for what reasons are they ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’?
I think a quality to have would be to share similar interests in not only that aspect of me that is the regular guy. But also to share similar interests with Dominant side. Which branches out into a whole other topic.
I think the qualities that I consider a must have to be like I am – in the sense that I am a hybrid of Dominant traits, like sharing qualities of a Master and Daddy. That kind of a thing. 
Beyond that, I’m drawn to complex people. My kitten is one such complex person, being a baby girl, a primal, a pet – but then to have this other part of her mind so rich and multi layered, it’s strange to describe. 
And I like these aspects of a submissive because they each appeal to aspects of myself. And I feel that with this mix, it’s complimenting each different part of myself.

I like the baby girl aspects because the persona fascinates me on a deep level. I think maybe my fatherly instincts come out, something primal that’s inbuilt, even though I’m there as a boyfriend and not a father.

But there’s a part of me that loves that certain innocence aspect there. I can’t explain it. I like the look in her eyes, I like reading to her and protecting her.

And then there’s something beyond all that that gets me rock hard.

That goes for the aspects of being a primal as well. This unabashed personality that is unfiltered and raw is quite fucking hot. And that exists within my kitten at times and it’s also aspects of a submissive personality that I am fascinated by or drawn to because I’m fascinated by it. 

So to reiterate, I think a mix is generally required. Something that aligns with my own special mix and creates beautiful memories. Because that’s soulful to me, that’s needed to me. 

30 Days of Dominance – Day 23

Day 23 – Is there anything about Dominance, either your own or what you see in others, which you question, dislike or are repelled by? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own Dominant needs and desires?
Ooh, tough question.
I wouldn’t say ‘question’ or ‘dislike’ but there are some methods I personally don’t think are for me. And that’s absolutely fine because that’s for someone else and who am I to judge? Me! The guy that wrote an erotic piece about a spectre from the ocean claiming a teenage girl! Y’know? So it’s hard to really say I dislike one person’s thing because I know that’s important.
At the end of the day, I think there’s some old school gentleman in me wrestling with my ideals. Or maybe it’s just sometimes I want to be cutesy and vanilla-ish. Yes that’s a word. I guess sometimes I want to be light, because I need that contrast and in that contrast I shy away from the harshness that may come with a contract or another Dom’s ideals.
Was there a time where I questioned or was resistant to my own ideals? I would have to say that that’s me most days, yeah. Because I doubt myself, to be honest. I doubt my ideas, or my ability to be sexy. And that creates internal conflict with the part of me that doesn’t care what outcome arrives, it just wants to fuck.

30 Days of Dominance – Day 19 – The Social Aspects

Day 19 – How socially connected are you as a Dominant? Do you look for others to talk to about your Dominance either for support, learning, educating or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
I’m not connected with the community here in the glorious Melbourne, Australia, no. I think that’s because I quite like the quietness that comes with just kitten and I.
At the same time, my anxiety is a killer. I do my best to work on it but it, more often then not, causes havoc. It’s part the reason why I built up my Patreon. I’ve tried work and between my quietness and stomach uneasiness, I can’t function. Which is why I’m looking at working from home. But anyway, 
This is part reason why I started the blog. To connect with the community. Of course then, I had no idea it would be received well, and now that I am, I’m happy to offer mail, Kik or Fetlife for those that want to bridge the gap between people. And it’s been lovely to pass on to others what I know and what I developed in my own journey. 
I don’t often talk religiously with readers, but ladies and gents and lurkers, you guys know I’m always there. I know we get lonely, sad, depressed in our journeys, I’m more than happy to comfort any minds I can IF I can. 
But any kind of grouping I find hard because of anxiety. I tried once, with a group from Kik, but without reason they just kicked me and that kind of set me back a few squares on confidence. Ah well. 

Don’t forget to have a look at my Patreon over on http://www.patreon.com/darkanddominant

Even pledging $1 will be most appreciated and there’s plenty of goodies to consider!

30 Days of Dominance – Day 17: Love and Trust in Dominance…

Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of Dominance? How do you inspire trust in your submissive?
In the context of my Dominance, I trust my submissive to recite her mantra. I trust her to remember her rules and regulations, in public and behind closed doors.
I trust that she honours and respects this between us in every way that we established when we first set off in our relationship.
I would say that I inspire trust in kitten by cementing that if she has a problem with a punishment I’ve issued, she can tell me straight away. I have told her that no matter what, she can voice anything to me without the fear of being punished and I’ve seen her become more open when we started dating and I told her this.
I think the submissive should never be worried about speaking out of turn, for that creates fear and fear leads to resentment.