Being Naked In The Wintertime

Being naked in the winter time has been absolutely thrilling to me this year. Yes, there have been moments where it’s been a freezing 6 degrees Celsius but this year, I feel like I have been experimenting with letting that cold linger on my body.

I sleep naked in the winter. I have an all powerful blanket – and even my lady to snuggle – but the moments where I first fall or roll or collapse into bed and the cold just cancels out all thought – the sheets are like ice, the air skins across my feet, lifting across my ass and to my cock…it’s….incredible.

Anything I was thinking of before I hopped into bed – responding to email, dinner tomorrow, my cat yowling at closed doors – it’s all gone. I – a Dominant – is completely dominated by the weather. I’m frozen in place – pun maybe intended – my body unable to reboot as my primal side emerges. I suddenly want to roll around and snark and drool and Fuck myself into bed until I come hard all over my own stomach – or just grind into the bed until I fall asleep.

On other days, I find myself naked even with the chill around me. Come 2am, I have sat on my lounge utterly naked and have meditated on the cold, feeling it all around me. Feeling….wild and unabashed and charged with energy.

There’s a peacefulness to being naked during winter. Not only are you striped bare, the cold is confronting. You leave aside your world and are left to focus, perhaps more than ever, on your senses. How your heart flutters, how you are breathing, how the cold reaches in to the very core of you and holds you there to confront the stillness.

We’re so busy, us humans. We’re always thinking of cooking dinner, working hard, remembering birthdays, attending to meetings, making sure to stay in contact with friends and family. We never allow time to just exist in the moment and feel. We rarely stop, put the phone down and sit still a moment.

Perhaps you can do this too. Find a moment in your day, set aside, say 15 minutes. Find your favourite spot to just unwind – your bedroom, your couch, somewhere outdoors hidden from the neighbours.

Put down the phone. Undress. Listen to your world, your heart and your breathing. What do you find in your stillness?

If you decided to try this, do let me know how you found it either by comment section or email. If you can’t unwind and become frustrated, don’t let it get to you – it takes a while to adjust to sitting still. It will take practice.

Why Do You Care So Much?! – And Other Frequently Asked Questions

As I lay in bed and enjoy winter’s gentle kiss on my bare skin, I thought I’d compile a list of frequently asked questions that come my way. It’s not a huge list I’m afraid but hopefully some might recognise themselves in these.

Why do you care so much about the people out there, newcomer or otherwise?

This is a big one that I get, and rightly so I guess. The internet can be a dodgy place and a recurring element that I’ve seen since starting the blog and offering counsel / mentoring is emotionally and physically abusive men, generally preying on women who have started to realise they’re submissive.

I care so much because I guess I see a lot of myself in people that write in to me. I can sense that trepidation and uncertainty. I mean, the world of Kink is so layered and vast that it’s terrifying. Where do you even start?

It’s partially because of my upbringing – I come from a conservative Catholic household – but also because of my insecurity, magnified by my shyness and my undiagnosed anxiety disorder. I was TERRIFIED at the prospect of, essentially, rebooting my life – finding a new place to live, finding someone who would, somehow share my sexual interests. It scared me so much that I stayed in a vanilla relationship longer than I should have.

And…I don’t want people to go through that. Not if I can help them find their voice and confidence and, at the very least, ease their anxiety or minds. I mean, even now I’ll get an email from someone who deleted several drafts before hitting send. Even now, on twitter, someone will message me and say they’ve been reading my blog for years – but haven’t said anything to me out of fear or guilt or shame – and it breaks my heart. Which is why I so often write to tell people it’s okay to write in to me.

This is a long response but another thing people ask after is my patience. The patience I have, with people asking questions – I haven’t hit a point where it’s become a nuisance. And I can’t tell you why I’m not bothered, I simply don’t feel annoyed. It’s just – I want to be available as much I can, and be this secure and helpful support.

Have you ever thought about doing a podcast?

I have, but being so shy and rambling and monotone I don’t know how entertaining I’d be. When I talk for a while, my anxiety tends to put the thought in that I’m self indulgent..or have tickets on myself – and I feel bad all on my own accord.

It’s a nice fantasy to think of having a BDSM podcast where I talk about a few things an episode – I could even have anxiety support sessions where I read a book or something – but would people enjoy it if I was the only speaker? I’m not sure.

I’d need a host that was like me – someone I could riff off and get talking. It can’t be my kitten because, a, her work and B – she is far too shy and reserved! You should’ve overheard me talking to her about voyeurism on a coffee run one day! She kept cursing me with a shy smile and flushing red.

Is being a Dominant exhausting, having to take care of so many different aspects?

Hmm, no! I mean, we take in note structure and mental well being and order – but these things become second nature with practice. And before they become second nature, they are things that you WANT to do – or at least that I WANT to do. There’s a constant drive there for me. Always…kinda like a PlayStation 4 on rest mode..it’s there in the background thinking away.

Because I want this – whether sexually or non sexually – it’s never a point of ‘ugh, gotta whip my lady now..’ It may become routine but it doesn’t become less exciting because of that fact. It’s still a constant pleasure and a thrill, to have the trust of someone. To hear their free moans and to be the one to guide them. To look them dead in the eye and hold their gaze.

The only time I can think of it being exhausting is when I’m in the midst of an anxiety storm and I lose not only will but my entire sex drive. In those moments, the last thing I want to do is be dominant.

What are your kitten’s thoughts on offering to talk to and / or mentor folk?

In the beginning, when I first wanted to do this, she had questions. I mean, even on a platonic level, talking bdsm and the like is still sexual. So that’s more than understandable. So we had a lengthy chat and I told her what I wanted to do and why, sharing how I felt and how I wanted to do something, anything, to alleviate minds and she understood.

She senses my need to share my writings and advice and opinions, though I think she’s worried that I’ll get hurt trying to help when you can’t possibly help everyone. And that’s why I try to help where I can, but not try to pry or overstep boundaries.

And something we always agreed on from the beginning was that bloglife didn’t overspill into any personal time spent together. Birthdays, brunch dates, family time together, Netflix on the couch, coffee runs – I always make time for us and never crisscross.

What do you get out of being a Mentor?

For me, there’s personal fulfilment that I’m getting, because I’m doing something I really want – and that’s helping someone, and guiding them and sometimes even seeing them grow.

I think it’s knowing that I helped in some small way that makes it worthwhile. I mean, I’ve gotten messages on Fetlife and tumblr from people I don’t know saying I was the inspiration for them to confront their own fears – and isn’t that the sweetest thing? It gives me the warm and fuzzies, honestly. I mean I’m just regular bloke from Australia, not even officially trained in counsel but I’m helping someone from the other side of the world. It’s beautiful.

I’ll stop it before things get War and Peace-levels of writing. If there’s a question you want to ask or one you feel was left out, let me know either in the comments below or at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

Remember, we all grow and bloom at different places. Don’t let others dictate your growth. Don’t define yourself by someone else’s thoughts on you – and whether you’re a long time lurker, first time reader or just want to chat all things BDSM and psychological – you are always more then welcome to write to me.

Just Write

So. I just got an email from a reader of my blog and it struck me as sad and it’s for these reasons that I want to write this piece.

If you’re going to write in to me, if you want to write in to me, there’s a couple things I, personally, want you to know and understand.

I’m not as busy as you think. I’m not running around like a headless chook, know that while I may work, I also definitely check my email daily and respond in full as soon as I can.

I don’t respond to emails to be polite to you, to what a reader described as ‘a self proclaimed fangirl’ – I respond because I want to. You must understand, I started this blog not just to share my fantasies and satisfy a part of me, I did it in case it could inspire someone as awkward as I was when I started off.

So I love hearing from people – young, old, male, female, Australian, American, Norwegian – the more the merrier. Language barriers be damned! I love conversing with people and I love talking BDSM and it’s lifestyles.

Whether you’re a fan or seeking answers or even if you a bone to pick with me about something I wrote. Grill me. I welcome all of it, criticism, friendly chatter, the like.

You’re not bothering me. At all. In all my years of blogging, in responding to the kind people that write in, I can honestly say not one email has bugged me, not one. Even if one person has a laundry list of questions, I’ll sit down and work it out with them until they’re more spent then I am. Seriously. So never ever think that YOU are the person that will be too much for me, because that just won’t be the case. Try me, I dare you!

Do you want to write but don’t know what to say? Do you feel stupid because I can talk so openly and you find it rough to? I’ve had years to process how I feel, to work to rise above my own shyness. I was the same as you in the beginning. We all start somewhere and blossom on our own time.

I will say this though – just write. Don’t worry about grammar or context or anything, just write. I honestly care not for long novel-length texts, I read every word and respond. I’ll even write a long novel-length email of my own.

Start at the beginning. Write how you feel. Find a place to start at, to get the ball rolling, and then just let it go – just write and let it loose. If it feels good, write it. If it doesn’t, write it anyway and send it.

Too many times have I read that someone wanted to write in sooner or deleted several iterations of the email they just sent – and it breaks my heart.

I know I can’t TELL people what to do. I know I can’t get people to talk as frankly as I do, but I’m writing this because I want you to know, anything you have to say, in any way, is perfectly A-OK by me and that you should not feel shame or delete what you write, because I mostly certainly want to read it. Don’t even press that delete button or I’ll slap a crop against your knuckles!

Be yourself. That’s all I ask of you. Everything else, please don’t worry. I’m not as scary as your mind makes me out to be!

TD&D

30 Days of Kink – Day #3: How Did You Discover You Were Kinky?

How did you discover that you were kinky?

I guess I could answer this question in two parts, really – the time I discovered a semblance of kink and the time where a friendly neighbourhood submissive woman stopped me and pointed out revelations that led me to identify my true feelings.

My very first experience of Kink was with degradation, humiliation and exhibitionism. I sat on the family computer on the first floor of the home where I grew up in. I was in my teens, ‘sexting’ – I guess you could call it – my then-girlfriend via the old MSN, which some of you may recognise and others may not. Basically it was an instant messaging program before the days of good mobile phones.

I don’t know how exactly it led to degradation, I think it was waiting to come out, this inner part of me, and she connected with it. Beyond that, I was setting tasks for her before we even knew of the concepts of Kink. She’d call me up on the cordless house phone while she was on her bath, letting me listen to her masturbate with the jet spray.

Fast forward, oh I don’t know, ten years, and I’m learning about the Daddy dynamic, I’m finding I’m learning about being a Master. I’m finding all these parts of myself through conversations with other primal, with Masters, with slaves. I miss talking to a Slave mind-set. I need someone to run M/s stories by, see if a concept is effective. I normally run stories by my lady, who listens to every one of my ramblings with patience and grace, bless her heart, but the M/s dynamic isn’t something she identifies with.

Anyway. So the second part of learning who I was was about coming to terms with these splintered parts of my psyche, with the help of a few friends.

Late Night Rambles: The Submissive Teaches…

I’ve been reflecting at this ungodly hour of 3am, about where I’ve come from and where I’m going. This has been sparked from a family discussion just the other day about the fluidity of love and life and how we perceive and accept that or choose to hide from it.

And it hit me – the greatest teachers, the priceless teachers when it comes to my journey as a dominant man, have been submissive women. Which kinda makes sense but I’ll get to that in a moment – I want to ask something of the submissive readers, men or women, at the end of this ramble so either keep reading or skim to the last paragraph or something.

The beginning of my journey into becoming the dominant I am today was largely done alone by me, that much is true. I read and I..er..watched and I did my homework – but the bulk of how I truly learned to be a dominant came from my interactions with submissive women – some who were my good friends before we discovered we shared an interest in kink, some I met through Fetlife and somehow made an impression.

When I look back, I can see key moments where something was revealed to me – a piece of my personality, say, or an error I made, or how a fellow primal opened my eyes to how I was articulating this desire I struggled to identify.

Oh I fell a lot. Like an overly green and keen guy, I jumped off the waterfall without learning how to break the water below to soften the fall. In turn my actions hurt. And it was through this falling that I began and learned how to communicate – and through that I understood where I went wrong.

And communicating was easier with a woman I found. Maybe it was the all lady household I grew up in but I never really resonated too well with guys. I preferred the company of women as a teen and that’s how my adult life has been too – I have a few close guy friends and probably more close lady friends. I don’t know – who counts?

But through talking, they helped guide me and in turn this shaped the person I became today, not only for my own benefit as a human being and – later I would find – when I began to mentor actively, but it benefited my relationship with my lady, who has taught me a thing or two about myself as well.

So to the submissive I say this: don’t doubt the power of your mind or your words on someone’s mind. You can guide with grace and strength just as equally as anyone, experience has taught me.

And here comes that last paragraph I mentioned earlier —– as a blog with a dominant focus, to the submissive – men or women – I ask you – what would you like me to write about from a dominant’s perspective? Is there something you were always curious about? Perhaps it’s something to do with dominant thinking, or behaviour? Is there a process you’ve been curious about?

I’m looking for new ideas. As a writer, I want to satisfy any curiosities. I know things will come to me, as they do, but I seek a submissive’s mind for this matter. A fresh perspective. By all means, pick my brain.

Psycho-Sexual

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was how hard I was. I was lying on my stomach, you see, so not only was I pressing it into the bed, aching like I rarely do of a morning, but I could feel, not just the tip of my Cock, but it’s entire length. Pushing up between my stomach and the bed, fighting to get free. Fighting for relief.

The second thing I noticed was the memories. Once aware of my surroundings, they come rushing back. I suddenly felt her hesitance, as I unbuttoned her blouse. I could feel how wet she was when I slid the full length of myself inside her. Do you know how powerful that is? To feel that so strong after waking? I could feel her essence coat my shaft right down to the tip of her balls – and through that, I felt an awareness of her.

I could hear her curse.

The word ‘fuck’ slithered out of her lips in a hushed strained voice.

I remember the way my name left her lips – panicked, wondering, hesitant.

‘They’ll catch us’ she said. ‘They’re coming up the stairs.’

I can feel her urgency even writing this now.

Oh me, the dream me, was not worried. He was alight with a buzz, you see. It was the energy rocketing through his veins, the flip side of cortisol, but he was not scared. Dream me was confident.

She squeaked as I took my stride, sliding out then easing in.

‘Where are you guys?’ Came their voices. The voices of family. ‘What are you doing up there?’

My sister – my dream sister – my not-sister. My sister from another mister’s memories. My sister with someone else’s memories. My doppelgänger of a sister, her features changing, her face shifting into something like playdough, had my memories from another life, how wet she was, how hard she was.

‘I’m here’ she croaked. She was winded beneath me. It wasn’t my weight, you see, but my cock, knocking the wind from her sails.

She was nude beneath me, her body pale, resembling something else from another life. This isn’t her, not my sister. Not really. Who is this woman beneath me, wriggling in ecstasy, feeling that terrible fullness of me inside her, the type that eats at you, the type you feel even after the act. Who are we, that we have given ourselves over to lust, in all it’s frenzied, frantic power.

She, this stranger, will feel it long after dream me is no longer conscious.

I ponder all this, cock ever hard, coated in sweat, the remnants of an orgasm lingering, as I shake off somebody’s else’s life.

Here’s A Long Post About the Mind

She grips his hips

and licks her lips

and tells him that she likes it on her hands and knees.

He’s warm within,

Alive and on fire.

This woman is his sister.

A mix of dreams, thoughts and feelings, pooling together in a vat like some sort of candy concoction and I’m Willy Wonka.

Metaphor? Nonsense? Desires from the deep?

In his work The Interpretation of Dreams, Freud mentions ‘the dream is the liberation of the spirit from the pressure of external nature, a detachment of the soul from the fetters of matter’.

I won’t deny I have a high sex drive and some dreams are merely subconscious thoughts, fragmented and pieced together. But if the answer is merely I’m a sexual creature and that is all, I am disappointed.

Is it that simplistic?

I guess the reason I’m bringing this all up is because I want to talk about the things we’re scared about.

Do you ever have a thought – maybe in your waking life, maybe in your dreams, that is so unlike you? It’s piercing and potent and powerful and it sucker punches you right in the gut?

I do. And I have half an answer why.

I’ve always had an overactive imagination. Anyone that knows me well can tell you about the dreams I recount, the stories I pitch, my weird humour.

I’m not unsatisfied in my life. Quite the contrary. I’m right where I want to be for the first time in my adult life. So it can’t be that.

Have we, as humans, as people into D/s and BDSM opened a door in our minds that connects back to the core – our primal, animalistic selves? And what does that even mean?

I will say that sometimes I feel guilty. With the stories I write, the women I mistreat, all sacrificed to some bloody beast at the centre of myself, demanding flesh and sweat and other bodily fluids.

But that being said, those stories and this blog are some part of me. And rather than turn a blind eye, I write them down. Because at the end of the day, Writing fantasy, erotica or otherwise, is a hobby of mine. And exploring the depths of my own mind is an interest to me.

I do remember a reader writing in to tell me the intensity of a story shocked her in how it made her aroused by it – for reasons she struggled to put into words.

So maybe I’m just psychotic? I don’t know. I’d feel like I would know when things become too dark.

But I’m getting side tracked. I’m thinking out loud.

Imagination is a powerful tool. The mind is a powerful tool. Within it, are all sorts of memories, fantasies, thoughts and feelings. How some thoughts form, how dreams are patched together, by a thought or a memory or a sensation, can’t be helped.

So we should not react too heavily or get our heads turned by a nonsense dream. Let it wash over you and live out your day.