I don’t think there will ever be a time where I’ll stop growing and evolving. Where I will reach the limit of my growth and can say ‘well, I’m definitely into all of these things and kinks, there’s nothing else’.
Though that’s sometimes frustrating, especially when someone asks ‘well, what do you identify as?’ And I have to stumble on my words to say I’m a mix of things, it’s also a thing of beauty. Because there will always be something brand new to discover.
For example, there’s a huge part of me that identifies with the 19th century gentleman and this unspoken undercurrent of Dominance and submission. Jane Eyre, apart from being a terrific read in general, was deeply erotic for me.
And I identify with this gentleman because a big part that I’m drawn to is regulation. Polite wording like ‘Pardon me’ instead of ‘huh?’, standing up straight – etiquette like that – it speaks to me.
And there’s so many different nuances to something like that. Chin up, beck straight, hands to the side, hands behind your back, ask for permission to go out with your girlfriends, all these different things that branch off to different concepts and regulations and ways in which the relationship can evolve or adapt.
But then aside from this strict gentleman, or the 1950’s household hybrid of that gentleman, there are the other aspects of my personality that I’ve discovered along the way, the Daddy and the Master.
The Daddy aspect has always been with me, I think, since my early twenties. And as I got older and more at ease with myself, it has been more prominent and refined. I’m sure if I co wrote a blog with my lady, she could vouch for times it comes out – say, if she’s snacking before dinner and I tell her not to, she can hear it in my voice. Or if she’s ill but staying up late. Of if I want to read to her or be by her side when she colours.
Recently, I’ve felt a different side bubble to the surface that bears similar traits to a Master. This crosses over with the 19th century gentleman, as the concept of setting rules and regulations in a M/s environment with many different concepts also at play intrigues me. But it’s also not quite the dynamic that fits my current relationship, as my kitten and I sit somewhere between the M/s and Daddy / LG concepts.
It’s weird to explain because the mind shifts at any given moment and borrows traits from established roles. So it’s a mix.
And as such, I think I will always be finding out new things about my mind. Maybe I’ll change. Maybe this relationship will change. The How’s and the Why’s can be pondered all night, and this thought is lengthy enough.
Bottom line is that I’m always growing and learning and finding new ways to live and play and explore and that’s beautiful.
How about you, stranger? Are you a mix?
I’ve had a few drafts of what I want to say. I can’t figure out how to be precise with my words here. So expect some free form stream of consciousness.
I watched this show where a teenage girl was hovering her hand over an open flame, admittedly been through a lot, not to mention being a teenager in the first place. And my mind jumped to so many different tangents with the image. Experimenting with pain, sexual
It kicked off this whole train of thought that is current doing the round. Which led me to writing it down here.
I’m a Daddy. This much is true, whether it’s sexual or instinctive. Or darker.
And I’m of two minds – one half trying to comfort this teenage girl while the other half helping her to experiment. Because experimentation, under watch, can be rewarding. So maybe my hand on hers, feeling the slight burn. No going back. Showing her that there is this whole side of things that you can practice as a form of therapy, if controlled in a healthy environment.
And I’m not too sure why.
I often wrestle with my animalistic impulses. I’ll shy away from the absurd because a handful of people understand and the rest don’t.
I think the reason why this show has sparked feeling with me is partly because I was that experimental teen, dealing with pain – unhealthily at first. So when I see a teenager, male or female, struggling, I become that surrogate Daddy. Whether they like it or not. Because I can’t help it. And because my heart is too deep, or so they tell me.
When I was first fully exploring my Dominant side, I met a teenage girl through Whisper going through a really rough time. I was 26 at the time. And she was flirtatious and sent nudes randomly. And I understood why. Or partly understood.
I didn’t act. I didn’t want to. She was certainly attractive. Legal, if you’re mind is going there. But I could feel she was trying to justify something, her worth, herself, anything. And so I talked to her, told her politely as I could that the nude photo wasn’t necessary.
And I don’t know why or how I came to it, but I saw her as a little sister. And whenever she texted me to vent, I would listen. Whenever she called, I would listen.
And eventually, she stopped calling. We stopped talking, I didn’t bother her. I get it into my head I’m annoying – and a part of me felt guilty about the fact that I was even talking to her, because age.
And age is weird. When my kitten was 16-17, I was 21. And I wouldn’t dream of dating her then….but now, it’s okay. Our minds are weird. Human, I guess.
So when I see a teen or hear of a teen struggling, I see myself. I’m instantly transported to my days of discovery. And I guess that sparks on a transformation into a Daddy.
And I’m writing this all out because I feel like it needs to be said. I feel like there’s this sort of creep factor or age barrier that comes with the Daddy Dominant that misconstrues meaning. And I feel, a lot of the time, there’s a younger audience to my blog that needs to talk about something to a random who doesn’t know their friends or family. Who needs to hear they’re okay to experiment.
Just like sometimes I need someone to tell me: it’s okay to feel like this. It’s an instinctual thing. You’re not a fucking creep. Even though, through writing this, I kinda feel like I am, you know?
So: the image of this girl testing the flame. It made me think of myself, it made me want to guide her, tell her things are okay. It made me want to walk the path with he while she opens the doors to discovery and sexual identity.
This may be an 18+ blog, with mature themes, but I’d never turn anyone under 18 away. Because that person was once me.
So, the new Fifty Shades entry trailer is being released and with it comes the usual mix of excitement from the public and mixed responses from the BDSM community.
I, myself, voiced my responses with the entry BDSM and Fifty Shades but I thought I’d update with this entry because I am a sucker for fluff and this movie looks like popcorn fun.
The first thing I thought about when watching this trailer was the housewife fans. Yes, it’s a cliche but they do exist. If not housewives, then ladies in the ages the book targets.
I mean, there’s men out there that consider themselves gay because they enjoy it. They’re wrong – it doesn’t, guys. Romance is universal, sex is universal, so enjoy that shit.
Plus, a Fifty shades with two guys? That’d be kind of interesting. Imagine that dynamic. Someone needs to write that. Not me, I don’t know how effectively I could do two guys being intimate.
But the thing I thought about was the housewives being introduced to BDSM and the culture and all that stuff. I mean, the book represents it incorrectly and even then, from what I understand, the BDSM is just a gateway to explore semi effective erotic thriller fluff. And even then – watch Basic Instinct or Cat People or something.
But somewhere, there is a sweet sweet housewife that is thinking “Whoa, this arouses me. What the hell. I never thought this could be me”. This sweet sweet housewife researches the sensation. She experiments with her hubby, maybe she experiments with underwear, dressing out of the norm and being more of a seductive daddy’s girl and/or sultry slut. Maybe it’s like the matrix, man, it just wakes her up and all of a sudden – BOOM – she’s a submissive.
And this is the chain reaction around the world with different sweet sweet housewives and/or single ladies. Or straight men. Or bicurious men. Maybe there is a guy struggling with his sexuality, maybe he is a straight men in a straight marriage but wants a Domme. Who knows. But there’s that desire there, that other life brewing, and it’s fucking SEXY and HOT AS HELL.
So yeah, Fifty Shades came to life as Twilight fanfic and yeah, it is absolutely disheartening that it’s getting in millions when there are sure as shit fine first time authors struggling to get attention – but it’s starting like a new sexual revolution, man. People are getting into BDSM, they’re coming out of the woodwork. They’re declaring themselves whatever.
I used to Skype with a woman. Maybe she’s reading still, maybe she’s not. We had fine conversations, friendly – about lives, you know? She spoke sweetly, with a New York twang to her voice. She was very lively and bubbly and I haven’t spoken for like years now. But last Skype I recall, she was enthusiastic about the novel and upcoming film and expressed a desire to expand her horizons with the lifestyle. That right there is beautiful, man. I am happy to see that. So for what it’s worth, I am glad it’s opening the eyes of people.
I just hope they research it before doing it incorrectly and even possibly violently.
“Huh?”. It’s a simple word, really.
And yet, I find it distasteful.
Now, this is just me. But under my leadership, any submissive, when engaging in discussion with me, should be speaking politely. If I say something that, for whatever reason, they mishear, “Huh?” is not the response that you say.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Sorry, what was that?”
So forth and so on.
My kitten has been struggling with remembering to exclude the idea of using “Huh?” as a response if she mishears me. In the past, I have, perhaps been a bit too kind, and let her off with a warning. Tonight, I did not. I told her that when she is finished her dinner, she can undress and bend over my knee.
I take no pleasure from smacking her, nor does she take pleasure from being smacked. At least…when it is a punishment.
The dislike of “Huh?” as a response, if I had to guess, comes from my upbringing. My father disliked it as well, as well as “What?”.
It’s actually interesting how much my upbringing kind of plays into who I am as a Dominant.
In any case, this has been my Wednesday evening. How has yours been?
Every so often, I stop and think about what it means exactly, for someone to be Dominant. And I get so caught up thinking about myself and my past and my future and how – in the present – I interact with my kitten. There’s a good and bad aspect to this for me.
The good side is that it allows me to reflect. Reflection is good. We get so caught up in our daily lives that we miss simple truths. Or sometimes we grow. Yes, we grow in mere months. Our tastes expand. What I wrote at the beginning of the blog you can find under “His Journals” and I am sure if I read that, I would add to it…and add to it….and add to it. I could keep adding and adding to it that it drove me mad. Here’s where the bad side of it comes in.
I’m sure I could think myself to death. Part and partial of having anxiety is that you think…and overthink…and overthink. It’s like a broken record. You go around and around and around thinking and analysing and coming to the truth, only it’s not the truth, there’s always a piece of information you missed, which means more thinking and more analysing. So I am going to add upon what I’ve said about the Dominant aspect and I’ll try my best to explain it and then somehow fight my compulsive behaviour to revisit and edit. Sigh. Bear with me.
But how is a person Dominant? It’s not just that he/she can top you in bed. Oh no. Although, to be fair, there’s that. Which brings me to my next point: There’s a Dominant for the bedroom, maybe even outside, and then there’s a Dominant for the lifestyle.
The Dominant within the bedroom just wants to top sexually. They might even want to toy with the idea of owning you outside of the bedroom, purely for a sexual thrill. Like – wearing no panties to work or choosing your outfit for you. That sort of thing.
It’s when it begins to be not just about a sexual thrill but something far richer and deeper that it wanders into the territory of the ‘lifestyle’. And this is where a D/s relationship might come into play. The Dominant that wants in on the lifestyle is the Dominant I am, to use a personal example. If you’ll allow me to be more personal, it’s not enough that I dominant kitty in the bedroom. As wild and passionate and exhilarating that is, I need more. Because that side within me wants the tender love and ownership and control of the person out of the bedroom more than it does within.
It is insane the desire that fuels me to stroke her head and tuck her in. To want to read to her (We’re currently powering through Alice’s adventures in Wonderland of a night). To teach her to build up her confidence and let go of the chains. To nurture her and be a teacher to her. It extends to the symbolism of the collar. This desire to have her wear both a social collar, for privacy reasons in the workplace, and her own collar around the house. Why the desire to collar? Because she’s beautiful, sacred — fucking MINE. (And I can’t even begin to DESCRIBE the surge of possessiveness that came through my body writing that sentence). This beautiful, soulful kitten is mine. Those tender blue eyes, her gigantic ever-giving heart? MINE. Mine to protect.
And I love that. And I want to be her guardian and protector and I want to see that cute choke-worthy neck don that collar. It’s a complicated mess of emotions.
And that, for me, is Dominance within the lifestyle. A complicated mess of emotions, ranging from the deeply loving to the deeply brutal.
Now, of course, you can’t just define Dominance down to two categories – in the bedroom and deeper. I will, however, admit to disliking the individual that poses as a false Dominant when all they really want is sex. This angers me because, to me, that isn’t right. And it’s treating this beautiful man or woman as a cheap tool to which they will use to get off. NO. FUCKING NO. But I digress.
Every Dominant out there is going to take what a D/s lifestyle means to them and alter it how they want to because it suits them. It likes…parallel universes. Right now, there could be a parallel universe where I’m not writing but rather hanging out with my dogs because I felt you guys didn’t want another long-winding post. For every direction made, another universe is created in which the opposite choice is made. It’s science fiction but it’s kinda like that, every person shapes what’s being defined by other people as D/s and Dominant — to fit their life and it’ll go on and on like this for years, long past your existence or mine.
It’s complicated, it’s messy, it’s being Dominant. So if you find a growing interest in BDSM, if these interests start to go outside of the bedroom and start materialising in your personality and in your desire towards your partner or you’re own mind, then it’s the lifestyle for you. And the journey begins.
But, of course, it’s never that simple, is it?
What is your dynamic? (i.e.: D/s? M/s?) In what ways does your dynamic differ from the ‘standard’ understanding or acceptance of your dynamic?
Well, first of all I want to say my dynamic differs from the understanding because kitten and I have adopted things that suit us specifically. Things that might not work for another couple.
It’s true that our relationship is 24/7. I mean not only is it in our nature and we accept this nature so it comes out in daily tasks or something. However, while we adopt the ’24/7′ label, if one of us has had a rough day or is mentally buggered, run down, anxious, or just upset about work dramas, we ‘step out of role’. Which is a funny saying in itself because we never truly leave it. However. HOWEVER. We put aside certain rules and regulations, like asking permission to go to the bathroom – things that we want for ourselves but don’t feel human enough in the moment. I’ve said this before but sometimes you can get lost within that side and sometimes it’s good to just be the other side for a moment. In this case, her and I.
It was my understanding that that sort of behaviour was…hm, irregular? That the persona should always stay switched on. I don’t know about that. I’m a Libran, I need balance. Light and dark, that whole thing. Sometimes it’s good to just be ourselves, if that is making any sense whatsoever – I am hoping it is because I feel like I am doing a shitty job of it. But we are human. And as human as our D/s side and relationship is, sometimes we need to remember the other part of who we are so we don’t get terribly lost.
If you’ve got questions, feel free to direct them to the comment section or if you prefer a more private environment, my email. I am bringing this series back on a weekly basis so be prepared, heh.
Here’s something I like to address with my pet:
Each night, probably while we are laying in each other’s arms, I get her to tell me about her day. I get her to not focus on the negative aspects, if any – I am teaching her to acknowledge them, lay with them if you must so they don’t defeat you, but don’t let them overcome you.
So I get her to tell me about what’s positive in her life, what’s she happy for. If she strays – that is to say, if she starts to wander down the stormy weather path – I will hold her gently and reaffirm that she is beautiful and so is her place in the world.
Why do I do these things?
It builds confidence and strength and I believe that it forces her to look at her life through a clear window, maybe and hopefully even in a new life. Too often we can walk through our lives and take it for granted but if I work with her through her positive reflection, not only might she look at her life and be thankful for the positive elements but here’s hoping it will build her self esteem and make her feel that much more sexier.
Whatever she wants to talk about in these moments where we reflect together, reflect her own thoughts and feelings and something may tumble out all beautiful like and delicately. It’s these moments that I want to happen, that she will feel more and more confident about conquering the negative feelings in her life.
So I feel an immense satisfaction by reflecting with her. My heart soars, I can’t stop smiling. I feel like that Dominant part in me – the part that wants to nurture her delicately – is satisfied.
So be you Dom or sub, consider positive reflections on your day each night. Maybe in a month you can look back and see a change.