February Q/A!

1. I know it’s more common for a submissive to develop feeling for his/her Dominant, so has one of your submissives ever admitted to having feelings for you? How did you handle it? Have you ever fallen in love with one of your submissives and did you act on those feelings?

My current relationship is actually my first 24/7ish D/s relationship and by the time we discovered we were both kinky, we had developed feelings. So I have fallen in love with A submissive, but I didn’t own her before hand.

I don’t think I could exist in a situation where I could have a submissive and not have that affection. Does that make sense? I’m very…I don’t know, heartfelt? Or just sensitive or emotional. Like, if I’m going to dominate someone, there has to be some serious affection there.

I know that when people have asked me to help them as a sort of BDSM mentor, I acted as a stern alarm for whatever they needed reminding with, like shaking off putting a gym workout off. But that’s not a D/s thing, they aren’t my dominant or submissive, I’m just a life coach in certain situations.

2. A good partner can be hard to find. With that being said, sometimes, your partner ends up being on the other side of the globe. Have you ever had a play partner that was long distance? If so, how did you handle the distance? 

I have! And it gets awkward trying to work around time zones, especially if it’s a few dats in a row and you’re just exhausted by the early mornings or late nights. But it’s certainly manageable after a developed structure!

Plus it’s so much easier now! You have Skype and the Internet and phones and other chat things. Back in my day, we’re talking 2005 now haha, I had to sit on a computer and plug in a clunky webcam and watch as my play partner lagged on the screen.

But how did I handle the distance? A lot of scheduling and a lot of Skype. Calls on the way to work, calls coming from work. The little moments yeah? Hearing her pant from her caffeinated brisk walk. Those are fond memories.

There’s more to that though. Since I’m a dork for the psychological interaction between a dominant and submissive, long distance allowed more opportunity for those little things. Like exercises she could do, that I gave her, that would keep her mind on me and her submission. These tasks were to send a selfie of a morning or to write my name across her tits. Little things that felt like they would linger.

3. What do you think is your craziest or weirdest kink? Are you able to persuade your submissives to dive into those kinks with you?

Well, there’s two things that I think are my craziest and weirdest kinks. Nope, three. There’s three now that are sharing the spot. I just thought of another.

I think the first one is my more primal self. My kitten is definitely primal but sometimes I just want to run naked through the wild and just roll in the mud. I feel like she’d be way more shy than I to do that. She is quite reserved. So while I can happily walk through the door with her into pet play or being more outspoken like a primal, I don’t think she shares the same feral animal energy that I have.

What was the second thing? Oh! Looking into her eyes as she plays. Having her look at me while she plays. To me, that’s incredibly sexy. To look into someone’s eyes as they play. Watching their eyes widen, lips trembling, soft moans come out as they are forced to watch me. I feel like I’m seeing so much more of that person in that moment. But also, at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling of a predatory serial killer. Too many horror movies.

The third thing is a silly, humorous thing. I bought DC underwear for my kitten – so think Riddler print, Poison Ivy. I’ll link a photo! Look. It’s a geeky thing, mainly. I just like seeing her in the underwear. So if you have underwear with, like, Batman or Joker or other super heroes, I wholeheartedly approve!

4. Do you believe in having only one submissive at a time or do you like to have multiple at once? If you have multiple, have you ever made multiple submissives play with each other?

I don’t think I could do multiple submissive at once, mainly because I would only want to focus on one soul at a time and explore that mind.

But also because I’m a possessive dominant slightly. I wouldn’t want the hypothetical second submissive to be seeing a hypothetical second dominant. I’d want her all to myself, thus creating a paradoxical event due to my wanting one soul at a time but having two. Does that make sense? I feel I’m getting tangled in my own head.

5. I believe that once you’ve found your “perfect” match, you should hold onto them. What qualities would you look for in your “forever” sub?

Someone that shared a lot of my interests, sexual and otherwise, but also had a whole treasure chest of their own for us to explore. Someone that I could sit down with at the end of the day and laugh and be sarcastic with and share a beautiful emotional bond with.

Someone who was the masochist to my Sadist, who is hungry to ask and explore and discover. Someone who is as dorky or geeky as I am, who likes their sci-fi or anime or such as much as they like their ass being whipped or their nipples pulled, but who likes cuddles in the winter as much as choking in the summer.

More than that, I just want them to be themselves. Because I would want to explore who that person is inside and out.

6. Is sexual dominance and submissiveness learned or something one is born with?

Maybe both! I want to say they are born with the traits there that will develop into either dominant or submissive but maybe it’s just a development. Maybe it comes from our relationships with our parents, the media we grow with. Some people – who don’t like kink or BDSM – I feel like they don’t want to peel back the curtain and see into the shadowy parts of the mind. They’re happy living in their lives and that’s great. But I feel like there are those that want to explore these other tendencies, that have that aspect in their brain right? It’s just there in them as opposed to others.

Maybe that leads kinky folk down a path of self-examination. I don’t know. I’m not a psychologist, I’m just a musing writer, standing naked with a hard on on a hilltop asking the questions to the Gods.

I know I had an interest in other things in life – I started watching horror movies. I liked the idea of the scared naked teen getting stalked. I know I gravitated towards heavy metal – heavier music, heavier themes.

I know I woke up one day and later would explore humiliation and degradation with a girlfriend, thrilled by the edge, by the unknown and how that made me feel.

But why? Your guess is as good as mine.

This was fun! We should do it again. If you have any questions or these questions brought on new questions, be my guest and ask away.

So This Blog Has Been Running For Five Years Today.

^ I never used to be comfortable with choking until my current partner, my kitten, egged me on like the low-key shit stirrer she knows she can be. That’s why I used this picture. Once upon a time, I used to squirm at choking. I used to feel nothing but distraught and guilt. I still do but now, at least, it comes with a level of horniness, precise control and sadistic glee.

But hello! Happy Thursday! According to WordPress, today marks the five year anniversary of this here blog. Since I’m sentimental about time measurement, I thought I’d indulge in a little note here.

I can’t start a sentence with a ‘I just want to thank…’ without thinking I’m accepting an award BUT I do genuinely want to thank each and every reader out there – the lurkers, the ones who found the courage to ask questions for themselves, the ones who trusted me enough to take me on as a mentor – or life coach, I suppose. Or is that lifestyle coach? Either way, I thank you for your endless support, your constructive criticisms, your challenging and friendly debates and your presence alone.

This blog has been an invaluable source of inspiration and growth for me, as has the people who comment in because concepts have arisen that have helped me reflect upon myself – such as that time I co-wrote a piece with a fellow writer about sadism and why I’m that way. But I feel like I’m still growing and finding things out about myself.

If I learned one thing about this experience, as both a human and a dominant, it’s that writing out my thoughts and reflecting has helped. So don’t let time slip by you. Challenge your thoughts, be who you want to be. Write for yourself. And don’t forget, as long as I’m running this weird blog, you’re never out of an anxiety buddy or someone to unload to!

One last thing. I’m always open to suggestions or things you’d like to see a focus on for this blog. If there’s something you’d like to hear about, let me know! Because chances are, it’s a window open for me.

Kneel For Me

How do I feel about kneeling?

I think it is a beautiful, soulful exchange. There’s something tender and touching about it, something exhilarating and erotic. About guiding her posture and looking into her eyes. About helping her to recite her mantra when she feels down or flat, so that she may be feel some semblance of how I see her.

O! If only I could create a gateway from my mind to hers, so she could see once and for all how I feel about her, as my friend and my pet and my whore and my submissive. How I’ve been wanting to write about her eyes but no world has never felt good enough to sketch in.

But it goes beyond just wanting that for her, it goes beyond wanting to lift her up. There’s a slight possessiveness, laced with a stab of guilt, at wanting to see her like no one else has. Of having – stealing – this moment in time to share together. Of feeling an insatiable, incredible desire that yearns for control and protocol and rules in a way I still don’t understand. This is a part that wrestles with other parts of me. Most times I want to earn her trust, that right to have her kneel. Most times I want to be worthy.

Sometimes I want to be greedy. I want to take. To force. To humiliate and degrade.

“Oh look at you, you poor tormented thing. Look how eager you are, how hard your nipples are. You’ve got it bad”. She’s got it bad, I think? No. I’ve got it bad. Sometimes my mind runs to sadistic tangents and fantasies. Sometimes it doesn’t care because it just wants the view of her bare ass, reflecting back at me from the full length mirror, ready to be marked red.

But there’s beauty in that sadism, beauty in the squeaks and gasps and cries and quiet “Yes, Sir.” or “Sorry, Sir. I couldn’t help myself.”

There’s beauty in these exchanges, on this day or the next.

Wouldn’t you agree?

I’m Gathering Questions for a later Q/A so Ask Me Anything!

Hullo ladies and gentlemen!

We’re at the end of February, seasons will be shifting soon and moods will be changing. I thought that now would be a good time to put it out there that I’d love to do another Q/A with my readers – new or regular.

Anything goes, really. There’s no boundaries to anything you want to ask. It can be about your own journey, it can be about me or something I’ve written, it could be about something you want me to write about, it could be questions about dating or D/s or — anything. For me, as long as you’re comfortable, the sky is the limit!

Please feel free to ask via commenting below or you are always welcome, submissive male or female, dominant female or male, slave, pet, newbie – whoever! – to write to me personally. You can reach me at my Twitter or at my email – darkanddominant@hotmail.com

I’ll be hoarding questions and answering them sometime in this last week of Feb so don’t worry about having too many. The only silly question is the one not asked!

Have a beautiful weekend!

Don’t Let Others Affect Your Kinky Mind

When I was starting to learn about BDSM and kink and dominance, one of the things that was terrible to shake was the idea of what other people thought. What would they think of me or my fantasies? Would they shun me or turn their nose up at me? Did I really think I was kinky when I was just mad?

It took a loooooong time to feel comfortable about myself and my fantasies – which happened to lead to this blog. I’ve been blessed to have people follow and enjoy what I write. It’s given me confidence and in many ways, a safe haven.

Even now, I will get some unsavoury responses to some of my stories or fantasies that I’ve put out there. That’s fine, because people are different and enjoy different things and have different approaches – but sometimes it can still sting a little.

My story – In The Flesh – a particularly dark (dark for me because I let myself go to dark places mentally) erotic story – I’ve been asked if I would actually DO something like that. I welcome questions that engage in whatever I write, because that’s fruitful and stimulating for me. Anyone can write in to me. But it made me think. Is it bad if I say, yes, in a controlled environment, I WOULD do something like that. Yes indeed. And it would make me hard and giddy and switch on this sadistic, Master-like aspect in me.

I guess what I’m trying to write is that I feel something so strongly as that and every once in a while I’ll take a step back and think “Woah, IS there something wrong with me?”. A fleeting thought, but a thought nonetheless.

I think, for those just looking to explore BDSM and kink, that you should by all means have your dark fantasies. And the best thing you can do is think freely without wondering what others think of you, so long as you understand the boundary between reality and play – OR, at least, the boundaries of consensual non-consent.

It may still sting from time to time, if you’re anything like me, but in time you will come to see that everyone operates in a different world and see through their own reality. So should you. And don’t you forget that!

In Which I Ramble About Primal Spirituality

I can’t blame people for thinking that being primal and feeling primal is all about pet play and all that entails. After all, in the beginning, when I didn’t know better, that’s where my mind jumped to.

But readers….goodness, it is so much more than that.

Ever since identifying as a primal here on this blog, I’ve had people ask me what it means exactly, and I’ve had many a philosophical discussions, some that move towards the analytical. To seek to understand.

I had an encounter today – think native Americans and howling – that triggered this feeling within me. A fondness for running wild, the wind on my skin, heart racing in my chest, howling until my throat was raw.

Being primal for me isn’t just a sexual fetish that I happen to enjoy, it’s almost a way of life, a wild feeling deep within me that wants to roam. It isn’t restlessness, not anymore (though I did feel that with my ex wife), but it’s more that I feel like being out in the wild, in communion with nature and other wild free ones such as myself. It’s a feeling where I want to go sit around a fire, worry about nothing and enjoy the evening and all of its splendour. It’s wanting to live, not exist, in this environment.

I struggle to explain the feeling, I know. I’ve talked in circles with people who ask and I feel bad about it because they ask me in the first place. It’s just this deep feeling that comes about. Of being in a tribe or a pack, of being one amongst a few other wild ones. It’s this and a whole bunch of other things. A need to howl till my throat is raw, to beat my chest and hoot.

Sometimes it even comes to identifying as an animal. A wolf or a bear perhaps. Because, see, you start to feel like there’s characteristics there within you. Traits like the animal. And maybe there are.

I used to think I was crazy for thinking this. It sounded delusional, to liken yourself to a wild animal, to feel animalistic sometimes. But then I discovered it was common in primal people. It’s so common that there exists packs of close friends, people that run together and hang together. I wasn’t alone.

And, at the end of a day, it goes deeper than just being primal. Because kink and BDSM can be spiritual for each and everyone of us. And sometimes we don’t know why we are drawn so deeply to it, we just FEEL it. Like an epiphany swelling in our chest. It’s there and raw and unfiltered and you shouldn’t shy from it, you should let it wash over you.

So if I had to end this day, and this piece, for you, dear readers of my blog, to which I’m eternally grateful for, then I want to end this moment with a little note: You are not crazy. You never were. This is just another piece of the puzzle. Take care of yourself. I’m always a message away if you feel like you are going stir crazy.

What Do You Get Out Of It?: A Dominant On Bondage

What does bondage mean to me, somebody who identifies as being a dominant? I’ve been thinking about that the past few days. That – and my dominance itself.

People have told me in the past that January, being the first month of a new year, makes people contemplative. I guess that’s true for me too because I’m wondering about all the finer details.

I think the first aspect – the most obvious aspect – is the sexual thrill. Why a sexual thrill? Well, I can draw that line – that red string on the board – back to my interest in control. How I like to have that control, how it eases my mind and, on my better days, my anxieties. Control is calming. But there’s also an underlying degree of sexiness there too. An edge. Control is calming and appealing but there’s also that part of my brain that is attracted to an image of someone – in my case, a submissive, bound by rope. Not only at MY mercy but at the mercy of the binding of the rope. Just that very sentence activates the sadist in me. I want her to struggle, for her to feel the burn against her tits and thighs. I want to see how my plaything reacts to that pain. In a way, I want to test her.

So there’s the level of control, and the sexual thrill brought about by that control – not to mention the sadistic side woken out of a slumber, but what else speaks to me, as a dominant? I’m not a submissive, I couldn’t dare say what appeals to the one that wants to be bound. But the question that so many readers and people I mentor ask me comes to my mind – what do you get out of it? And, here’s one of my own, does it go beyond sadism and sexual thrills?

I believe it does. There’s two things I want to ramble about, if you’ll allow me, if you care for read, and the first is the intimacy of it. There’s something else at work behind the sadism and sexual thrill and control, there’s beauty. Beauty at the weaving of the rope, at how the intricate pattern crisscrosses across her body, holding her all snug-like. It’s a work of art, it’s magic and it couldn’t be magic without her involvement, her devious mind.

Which brings me to Kinbaku-bi, or what the internet tells me is “the beauty of tight binding”. It’s an art form, it’s creative, it’s putting your mind into your kink so it’s personal on a whole different level and it’s artistic. My mind is drawn to how experimental you can be with it. Try this weave, try this chair, try bending her over. It invites thought and it invites discussion and even now, it has my heart and mind racing with possibilities.

So I think that’s what I get out of bondage, whether it being viewing it from afar or engaging it in directly. It’s erotic, it’s beautiful, it’s artistic, it’s personal – it’s multi-layered.

Thanks for reading and if you want to talk about this piece or any other, you are always to welcome to comment or write in to me directly at darkanddominant@hotmail.com