What Is The D/s Dynamic?

It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.

With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.

The D/s Dynamic

The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.

Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. There is a deep psychological component there between a Dominant and a submissive and this may led to the establishment of daily tasks, protocol, speech patterns and more that fulfils both parties.

Protocol?

Protocol is established early on in the relationship, when the Dominant and submissive figure out together what each of them want from this partnership. Aspects like what does the Dominant want? and more importantly what does the submissive want? Are established and from there, discipline and any tasks important to the individual come about to be carried out at established times. Protocol can be used to establish daily and nightly routine, forming the basis of structure in the relationship.

And What’s This About Speech Patterns?

The speech pattern of both the Dominant and the submissive are tailored specifically to their tastes. It can be cute and whimsical or more disciplined but whatever the case, it is a design implemented primarily for control and ownership. Have fun with names! Be creative.

Daily Tasks

What will fulfil you as a Dominant? What will fulfil you as a submissive? Things you need in your relationship will come to mind when you establish the limits and boundaries within your relationship. Remember to discuss everything thoroughly – and SUBMISSIVE PEOPLE, SPEAK UP. This is about your needs as much as it is your partners, you dig? Push the envelope, explore what calls your heart, and be experimental.

Dominance

What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.

Remember, as exciting as tasks and BDSM can be, you are the guardian of your submissive. Nurture them, be patient with them, and do not be afraid to learn from their own needs. Always be attentive to the needs, as well as your own.

Submission

 I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.

A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.

Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.

Established Boundaries

 When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.

Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.

A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.

And Now, A Personal Example…

 At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.

I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.

 Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.

Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.

So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.

 

What Fulfils a Dominant in a D/s Relationship

It’s strange that I’ve never really written about this before, because it’s come up a few times in my life – either with my lady, a reader or a student I’ve had the distinct pleasure of mentoring. What fulfils a Dominant in a D/s relationship? What do they get from taking care of a submissive? Is it merely holding a paddle, feeling it’s weight, hearing the crack on bare skin? Is it hearing her sweet voice call to you in the most intimate moments?

Yes, it’s all of that indeed but it’s so much more too at the same time. And to have a peek at some of the reasons, we’ll need to get messy, as hearts (especially mine!) often are. Are you strapped in? Comfortable? Sitting in your favourite spot? Lying in bed? Let’s go!

Connection

As satisfying as it is to find a soul who wants you to be in charge, who wants to carry out your orders and who trusts your ownership and leadership, what’s fulfilling for me is on a psychological level — I adore the mind and all it’s messy interiors.

For me, that I’m just being trusted with someone’s mind – something they may be struggling with for who knows how long – is a beautiful thing. But to share their world, see their tastes, their distaste’s, their collection of toys or underwear or memories and experiences, it’s powerful, powerful stuff. And I’m forever thankful.

You might wonder ‘wait, that’s it?’ – but it’s true. When I’m laying with my lady, and we’re a couple of surfaces deep from who society sees, it’s like I’m seeing a part of her, who she is, who this universe created, in a way my human mind can comprehend. Maybe we’re larger than that. Larger than our bodies. This is a spiritual thing I’m wandering to, not psychological. I’ll leave it there.

Structure

This, I feel, is very important. It goes hand in hand with the connection aspect I feel, complimenting each other, working with one another in ways I’m not sure I can communicate across.

Just as a submissive wants or requires or needs structure, so too does a Dominant. There’s a level of control needed, yes, but also tasks, daily assignments and constant communication on these aspects.

For me, I need a level of control. Like, I need it. And this extends to aspects of my lady’s life, splitting into different categories like day and night, speech patterns, protocol and other disciplinary behaviour.

More importantly, it gives structure to the day and night of the Dominant.

Some of you readers who have been with me from the beginning know that when I was suppressing the Dominant side of me in favour for a vanilla life, I was growing anxious, agitated and so uncharacteristically like myself. I was sullen, I was prone to anger, I was tormented.

The structure of a D/s relationship 24/7 many months later brought me back to my usual self. To use an already overused phrase, things fell in place, they really did – and I realised two things – not only did was an organised structure the key to my mental health, but it was balancing what needed balancing in my life. Evening things out. Like they should’ve all along.

That day was a real epiphany moment, I tell you. When it hit me all at once what I needed.

So you see, A Dominant gets more out of a D/s relationship than the animalistic thrill of their partner fulfilling a task, there’s a deeper psychological connection at work, a cosmic balancing act, the key to happiness for the Dominant.

If you have any further questions on this, let me know below or you can reach me at my email!

Cherish Her

Earn her respect.

Earn her trust.

Realise that she is not just a body meant to be offered up for your own fulfilment but that she has a heart, and she has a mind. Any imperfections are beautiful in their own right.

Furthermore, she chooses to give her mind, body and heart to you. YOU. Do you understand how important that is? How mind-blowing that is?

It’s not as simple as the leader at works becoming a willing slave behind closed doors. It’s not as simple as seeing what underwear she chooses to wear, or the way she feels against you.

Something so guarded and sacred and raw is being shared. This communion, this dark communion, is all for you, a gift from her mind. Either absolute or as much as she can give to you at this point in time.

Do not scold her when she falls, fails or forgets. Be a friend. A mentor.

Remind her gently. Teach her. Teach her for as long as it takes, give her as much as you can and forever be patient.

You are blessed, for she has her trust in you. She has let you into her inner world, something she maybe has fought to restore for years, something she has been challenging herself to do, something she might feel shame about.

Cherish her raw persona. Nurture it. Encourage her in her own life, in her own experiences, to seek what she truly wants, to be the best she wants for herself. Hold her when she falls and carry her dreams when she wavers.

I am in awe of those who submit. I am in awe of the teenager setting out for the first time, some I’ve had the distinct pleasure of crossing paths with, a wife putting her heart on the line to her husband, a mother putting aside her fears to explore for her own, the women hurt by their lovers, bravely trying again.

Late Night Musings on the Origin of My Dominance

Why is discipline so important to me in a D/s relationship?

There’s an underlying level of sexiness there, certainly, but there’s more to that, I feel. It’s something bigger than that. Bigger then me.

Maybe it’s as simple as I read novels like Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights and the subtle subtext of Dominance and submission spoke to me, in ways I’m still processing in my adult life. Maybe it’s just that simple and not the grand cosmic experience I sense in my heart. I’ve always been a romantic. I’m a Libra, the so called daydreamer with a taste for the sensual. That’s our thing, right?

I don’t know if I can accept an answer so simple – that it’s simply something we enjoy sexually. But even that is part of the human condition right? That we may not be satisfied with simplicity, that we need a new mystery to occupy our minds. I still don’t know if I buy that, because it still feels massive in my heart.

So where does it come from, this need to dominate? And where does the sadism come from? The words ‘just give me a reason to break you’ spat out through clenched teeth that so want to break out after multiple bratty outbreaks.

Because if it’s as simple as it being a kink, an enjoyable thing to do, why is the IDEA of breaking her down, to the brink of pleasure and pain, just to find that inner slut who wants to cry out all the thoughts the other is scared do utter – why is that so complex? So fucked up in its savagery but so utterly, utterly beautiful.

I don’t know, man. I’m the type to wonder constantly, Dream always, and stare at the stars ruminating on why.

My Relationship with Mentoring

I’ve been sitting here thinking a lot about my relationship to mentoring. Primarily because I haven’t been actively doing it lately. No real reason, it’s just something that has been inactive of late.

There are many reasons why I like to mentor – working closely with people, in areas I struggled with, is a passion of mine, while sharing resources and experiencing growth, both in myself as a teacher of sorts and in the individual on their own path, is a pure joy. Absolutely lovely.

Lending an ear to a problem or merely just talking through the thought process is always rewarding to me. I appreciate given the chance to help and try to do so where I can, which can go either way.

I do my best to be respectful and not intrusive. I like to think of it as having me on a call. If there’s a question to be asked, a nightmare to puzzle over, I’m just a call away.

Being a mentor comes with misconceptions, some of which I’ve already discussed. The main one is that its a sexual relationship, which it is not. While mentoring may raise questions of a sexual nature, it’s purely platonic.

What exactly a mentor does is also a thing Ive been asked a lot. And that depends on the individual and what they seek. The main thing to consider is this: A mentor is a friend. A friend experienced in the ways of D/s and BDSM, mind you, but a friend none the less.

This friend may help be a life coach, provide you with resources and answer and their own time. This friend could be someone you’d text while sipping on a coffee in a cafe, while you tell them about your dreams. It’s entirely up to the individual and how much they want to share.

I don’t know why I’m compelled to mentor. I don’t know why it drives me to write a personal email, or to offer help where I can. But if I’m going to make peace with myself, to keep the peace with myself, I should start to accept my own mind, no matter how eccentric it may seem.

When I find out the answer, I’ll let you know.

Good Little Catholic Girl

Dark hair, olive eyes.

What are you doing here? My Daddy’s downstairs.

Loose white singlet, nipples poking through.

No, that’s crude. Crudecrudecrude.

A fistful of hair, air squeezed out of her.

You have to go.

Empty words through soft whimpers.

Hands on her throat, clawing, digging, squeezing. Choke.

No. Nonono.

Like a kitten frozen by her mother, she’s still.

Eye contact. Hands go limp.

A rough kiss. Tears and sweat and saliva. Saliva so sweet it beckons another kiss.

Fabric tears. Shorties slink down slender legs kissed by sun. Cheerleader legs.

She watched him by the seats, on the field, wondering, wanting, wavering.

Pink cotton panties. Little bow tie. Lips showing through.

Crudecrudecrude.

No, this isn’t right. My Daddy will hear.

Good little catholic girl. Saintly. Church every Sunday. Good. Proper. Well-behaved. Never smoked. Never drinks. Loyal to God.

A fistful of hair, dragged down degradingly, wet lips trailing his stomach.

Fabric tears. Jeans fall off, no belt, lips trailing, voice muffled, fistful of hair, down on his cock.

A pause. Resistance. She looks, eye contact, raises her mouth to speak. A single string of saliva connecting his cock to her lips.

Resistance. Force. Her mouth goes down. Hits the back of her throat. A gag. She continues. Compelled. Forced. Intrigued.

Time. An age. Her – confused, eager. Well behaved. God will love her.

He pushes her on her back, slick, aching. Throbbing. Pulsating. Wanting.

Pink cotton panties come peeling off down legs with skin like freshly peeled fruit.

Shaven. Fresh. Who’d have thought?

A blush. Burning skin. Ferocious aroma. Slink sleepily into a saintly slumber. Duty. It’s piercing when he enters her. It’s piercing when she stares at him.

dark hair, olive eyes

It’s piercing when he stares back at her. His cock reaching inside, claiming as far as it goes.

She flushed red. Sighs. Moans. Cries.

Vessel for the taking. Well behaved little catholic girl.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Food For Thought Frid-uh, Saturday: Identity

How “real” is your online persona?

I mean, apart from generally protecting the anonymity of myself and my lady, I’m quite real. I think in terms of this blog you would have to be. What would it achieve if I was anything but real?

Except for my stories, most of them are generally fantasies and out of this world. Some of them are inspired.

Do you use a pseudonym, your real identity or both?

I put myself under the Tall, Dark and Dominant name, but that is also generally my identity too. I’m 6 ft, dark hair and dark eyes so I used what came to mind.

Other than that, I use what makes up my real identity – my dreams, my fears, my stories, everything raw and messy.

Where you use a pseudonym how open about your actual identity are you?

I’m guarded but I’ll be open regardless about my past experiences. I want to, in case someone passes by and finds it useful.

And if someone writes to me or has any questions, I’ll be open more so about my identity. Only because I feel like I owe some sort of protection to my ex wife or otherwise.

But I feel like it helps, from one human to another, to be equal and to be open in terms of who we are and why we’re here. If that makes sense.

Is your anonymous/pseudonymous online self a secret or more a form of protective “camouflage”?

I do protect my life and my lady, yeah. As much as I share about our lives sexually, I always leave a line between the blog and our life so there’s still some secrecy / intimacy that only us share.

This was more acting on my own accord though – a need for some space untouched by people and only shared by us.

If these questions ignite a desire to inquire about anything I touched on, do. It hesitate to ask in comments below or otherwise!

Visit here if you’d like to do your own Food for Thought Friday prompts!