October AMA + Let’s Play Twenty Questions!

Something that I did either last year or the year before and had a lot of fun with was a game of TWENTY QUESTIONS. I gave the option to anyone, follower, reader or lurker, to ask me anything they were curious about me – it could be anything BDSM related, it could be hobby related, anything that sparks their imagination and I’d do the same to them.

Some folks participated, often dropping five questions at a time before putting the next five into words, and it was a lot of fun. So for October’s little AMA, I thought I’d put it out there for regulars or newcomers to ask anything they’d like on top of the regular Q/A. Everything is on the table! Nothing is too sacred! Please don’t be shy! If a submissive or dominant in training has any questions, please do feel at home here.

On the occasion that no one wants to try their hand at it, consider this just a breezy read all the same.

1. How do you handle misbehavior in public? Do you consider discreet but immediate chastisement or do you punish later in private?

I consider discreet first and foremost, mainly because I find that a stern look without any words can be quite effective and has a way of locking my kitten into place from where she stands.

So if kitten misbehaves, I’ll shoot her a look and speak gently in a volume only we seem to hear. And if she wants to try her hand at continuing, maybe she’s feeling extra feisty, I’ll give her another warning and after that, the promise of when she gets home, she’s going to have one sore bottom – that is for certain.

2. How is the punishment responded to? What are your favorite forms of discipline to correct bad behavior?

How is the punishment responded to? Usually a sulk and, if she’s feeling a little bratty, a slight defiance – which I don’t usually react to, given I give her a warning and can’t help but love her fiery behaviour at times.

As for favourite forms of discipline? I like a good old fashioned time out – a la ‘go to your room for x amount of minutes and think on how you’ve been’. Smacking is effective because it usually accompanies my voice which is strict by the time I’m ordering her to lean across my knee.

I also like the idea of writing out a set limit of lines. Spending time in quietness, reflecting on any error, is intriguing to me as a dominant for its effect that It has on the mind. That, and I love kitten’s hand writing.

3. How do you feel about having your submissive not look you in the eye? Do you prefer the lowered gaze in submission? When would it be appropriate for the submissive to look upon you?

When I feel it’s appropriate, say if she has been naughty or overly defiant and attempts to break out of her routine, I will have her stand to attention – back straight, arms clasped, head down – but this is only in times where that situation applies.

I don’t mind eye contact, to be honest. I love looking into people’s eyes, which probably sounds weird but hey. Anyway – there will be plenty of times where I ask her to look at me, whether it’s during when we are playing together or when she knows she’s being naughty and my shift in voice and face has her frozen as our inner dominant and submissive respond to each other in that delightful natural way,

4. How do you feel when a submissive comes to you and says they have no limits? Do you test them right away? Do you try to show them the error of their ways?

Naturally I’m intrigued because there will be this sliiiight part of me, this sadistic part, that will think ‘oh really? Let us see about this…’ – but that is on a pure psychological level because right now in my life I’m starting to understand that testing endurance in different ways is intriguing to that Master in Me, you know?

So when I hear someone say this, my immediate reaction will be to take a walk through their mind and get their input on all the different things there is to talk about. Maybe there is something there to find, a delicious breaking point, and if not, then there’s definitely something to discuss.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’d show them the errors of their ways – because maybe in doing so I may have made a fool of myself in finding out they really have no limit. But I’ve definitely found pain thresholds in people who enjoy hefty amounts of pain. I’m trying to be vague here haha.

That’s it for my little Question prompts for the Halloween season. Again – please don’t let any shyness get the better of you. Come say hey! Ask me anything – it can be quite literally anything – would I rather have ten horse sized ducks or ten duck sized horses? (Ten horse sized ducks definitely!)

Vacancy

I feel like, from here until November the first, in the spirit of Halloween approaching, you can consider my blog like a dusty hotel on the highway.

I’m sure you know the kind – the N in Vacancy blinks in and out of existence, there’s not a car in the parking lot and you’re reminded of a fellow that had a house on the hill behind his very own motel from long ago.

You, my dear ladies and gents, are the people stopping by to rent a room. Me? I’m the lowly owner and operator, something, I’m sure I’ll say to you, I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. I’ll greet you with a warm smile and a story from my past, I’ll tell you about the history of this place, that the pub up the road does the best meals for the best prices. I’ll say all this and more with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye.

Each room might have the same decal, the same musty smell, the wallpaper beginning to crack and peel off, but there’s personality I would think you’ll find. Personality that creates charm. Charm that makes you feel at home.

Oh – and should you find yourself awake in the middle of the night, maybe you’ve ducked out into the dark for a smoke beneath the flickering neon light, maybe you can’t sleep because this bed is not your own, if you find yourself hearing the cries, the sobs, the walls of a young woman, do not be disturbed. For that is my kitten, which I totally do not have chained in the basement, like the little well-behaved Slave pet probably she is.

If she’s wailing, do not be alarmed. She likes to act out when it’s feeding time, she likes to test my boundaries and patience when she’s cuffed. We’re working out some of the kinks, you see. That’s all. Nothing a good discipline will not solve, yes indeed ladies and gents. She’ll be herself in the morning, she always is. It’s just that the evenings make her go a little mad. And in turn that makes me a little mad I suppose. I can’t seem to help myself when she clicks her tongue and calls to me so sweetly. I just can’t. There’s just something she does to me, something I can’t quite put my finger on. Things need to be twisted and taunted, things need to be corrected so she will learn, this I keep telling her.

Anyway. Don’t let me keep you. I hope you enjoy your time here. There is a lot of history to be had from these walls around you. I hope you are open to it’s charms.

If you need anything, anything at all, give me a call. I’m a night owl and welcome the company. Good evening.

The Guilt Behind Enjoying Dark Erotica: And Why It’s Okay To Talk About it

I have this ongoing relationship with my dark thoughts where I accept that they’re there and I own them, but their origin and reason for existing alludes me. Sometimes I catch myself mid thought and think ‘wait, you went there? Really?’

My readers have pulled me up on my darker stories before. Some have expressed their confusion on why they enjoyed a rape fantasy while my twisted takes on Disney princesses has polarised some enough to write in to discuss any themes at length. And any response (including response length) is welcome to me because good or bad, as long as you’re polite I’m happy to talk out philosophical differences with you. To discuss.

Some readers cannot though, which is why I’m here – this darker side of our minds is so different, so potent, so alien that it alienates the reader out of fear of being judged by the others that come to visit the same blog. They just can’t find the words because everything feels wrong. I’m there too, with my own stories. It’s a terrifying thing, this feeling that you might be THE ONE that scares others away.

What we need to understand is that there’s a difference between fantasy and reality. There’s a difference to the rules in the fantasy and the rules of reality – rules that govern your own life and the code of honour you live by.

When it comes to actively expressing these fantasies and bringing them to life, consent is there to form a new set of rules to keep peace of mind and safety. In this circumstance, as long as it’s discussed thoroughly and safety is paramount, living the fantasy should be – should feel – right.

But when it comes to looking at a fantasy and thinking about why it turns us on and how, it’s important to remember that enjoying something so decadent and devilish doesn’t change who you are outside the realm of fantasy, because we know that if we’d act out these fantasies, we’d have safety and protocol.

It doesn’t change how you feel about your marriage or your kids if you like a story about a poor pretty little thing being chased through the forest — because this is a seperate fantastical space for you to explore. You enjoy this feeling, this hunt, this setting, and there is no shame in embracing this as another aspect of your mind no matter the background.

Believe me, I’ve been there before. I’ve wondered about my sanity, about what my life and morals mean if I love to write rape fantasies. The answer is – I like it for the fantasy, I like it for how the fantasy feels to me in this context only. I don’t find an actual act of rape arousing at all. I’m not violent in any way. There’s just a thrill to explore something so dark and violent in a safe environment.

So please, The next time you find yourself battling a similar reaction to erotica that’s challenging, either on my blog or otherwise, remember its not a reflection on who you are as a person. It doesn’t make you broken or wrong or sick. You are a healthy person bravely exploring a part of your mind that others wouldn’t even dream to.

And if you ever find the need to talk to me about a story of mine that’s so dark and compelling to you, I don’t care how long winded and messy it is, I would love to hear it.

Be gentle on yourself – and always practice safety with each other.

Dress Protocols in a D/s Relationship (And Why I’m Drawn To It)

The dress protocol is something that can exist in a D/s relationship and can be anything from just the basic clothing choice for the submissive to pubic hair style, type of jewellery, inclusion of hidden toys and so forth.

For couples, it can be something fun to explore together to see how and what you can customise these protocols so that they fit in a satisfying manner in your world. For single submissive’s, it may be worth looking at what idea resonates with you the most. What do you want to explore? Maybe you can explore it on your own to trial it? Maybe you can talk to the community about your interests and gather thoughts.

For me, one of the things that I first wanted to explore as a Dominant in a D/s relationship was exploring some dress protocols with a submissive. In the beginning it was a sort of boyish thrill, you know? Finding someone that shared your mind and was as equally excited to explore the same things as you.

The best thing, I discovered, was tapping into that unfiltered thought a person had and bringing that to fruition. What did she want to explore? What did she think of a landing strip? What kind of underwear did she like? I can honestly say the best part of this, for me personally, is learning together and finding that spark and seeing how the other person becomes fulfilled by it.

It’s still a thrill all these years later, though now it simmers down to a quiet feeling of proudness – a feeling that I’m taking care of this particular soul, as opposed to that manic puppy love you know? Mature is the word I’m thinking of! My feelings have become mature.

But there’s a need and a want to take control as well too – to be an owner. A proud Daddy. This came with my getting older.

Why a need for control? A big part of it is taking care of the submissive’s mind. Something I’ve heard from my kitten, my first proper D/s relationship – and have heard during my time as a Mentor since blogging, I have noticed that handing this level of control over can be a relief for the day, and so hearing this too from my kitten, it gives me – and the Dominant animal in my mind’s cage – some relief to take over in that regard.

I also love exploring that intoxicating duality – the good little business girl on the surface, the cheeky brat underneath. It’s very sexy to me, playing with these concepts but also seeing how my kitten reacts to these concepts as well. Thankfully, I’m blessed to be on the same page most of the time – in turns of kinks anyway. She still can’t bring herself to watch some of my favourite movies!

When I was younger It used to be about dressing a submissive all sexed up – corsets, low cut top, short dresses, g strings (or thongs to you Americans). And don’t get me wrong, we (that is to say kitten and I) are very much about corsets and short dresses and g strings – that’s our tastes – but with age I’ve become, well, mature. It’s about guidance and care before control or degradation.

And then there’s the beauty of it too – how lovely it can be to dress for occasion. What’s the work day like? Is she having a low day? Will these pair of black lacy boylegs make her feel a little more confident? What about when she’s going out with her girls? Feeling a bit Halloween-y today? Let’s go with pumpkins! It’s a responsibility to do right by her as well as a sexy and touching reminder for the both of you.

I haven’t even gotten to the concept of the collar yet, and what that means for me, for her, for our animals.

Sigh. When she’s wearing a short dress and my senses pick up on her bending over and I catch a glimpse of the panties I pick out, I’m content. Put a fork in me, I am done!

It’s a weird sense of calming. Like, this is the life I’ve always wanted and was always scared to have. Brings a tear to me to know I’m finally where I wanted to be, that things have fallen into place.

Am I making any sense?

The Master in Me

So here’s the thing about me.

You could say I’ve been in this lifestyle since my experiments with it as a teen, but I really didn’t start to understand the depths to which it was a part of me until my mid 20’s.

Only then, through educating myself through various web pages and through friends across Fetlife, Whisper and Collarspace did I start to understand what I was feeling.

The thing is though, I didn’t learn everything in my mid twenties. Some of it was yet to come later – like the fact that I realised the Daddy dynamic – or that mentoring a student who began to identify as a Slave made me realise my own tendencies as a Master.

A Master.

The Master in me has always been a mystery to me because it’s so far removed from who I am outside of my Sex life. The Daddy side I understand – nurturing people, friends of friends, mentoring newcomers, reading to my kitten – these things come naturally to me. But my Master side is a bit more elusive.

It’s not just because it’s not always a fit for my relationship with my kitten, that I understand. We fulfil each other in a different way.

It’s that it comes out – is triggered, I guess you could say – at random, like I’m possessed by some otherworldly being.

I remember explaining to this student this visceral mindset and their reaction being one of ‘You’re kind of a different person’. A similar reaction occurred with my kitten in an organic way, though our personalities, melding as they often do, seemed to thrive off of each other as totally different people from our softer sides.

Maybe that’s the appeal? The contrast between different lives?

But then again, as I write this – I realise a lot of the M/s style appeals to me – the symbolism and rituals, the exchange of power, the slave training – all of these are things of beauty for me and appeal to me greatly.

Like I said with my relationship with Sadism, I haven’t fully understood what this all means for me but it’s an entity that takes up rent in my head and is along for the ride.

And as always, I’m eager to hear from both sides of the coin, the Master/Mistress and Slaves-mindset, new to it or otherwise, that are out there and lurking. If you care to, please feel free to share some of your own experiences with your journey so far – either in the comments or at email!

It’s The Little Things

When I first decided to offer help for anyone that wanted it if they felt they could trust me, I felt for sure, like most ideas in my head, that it would be a complete disaster. That I’d fail, that I’d be perceived as a weirdo. I mean, this is the Net right? And who wants to put themselves out there to a stranger? A – in their eyes – nobody? It’s a risk. Especially if your trust has been abused before.

I still feel pretty stupid about offering up a chat sometimes, even when a reader occasionally says hello and has nothing but nice things to say about my writing. Like, what right do I have to offer help, you know? I’m just another guy on the Internet.

And then, it’s the little things that come by and warm my heart. Like a few days ago, out of the blue, I received a message on Fetlife from someone I spoke to back in 2017. Admittedly I had forgotten – it’s the curse of being forgetful. But to hear from someone that I helped, that I gave great advice, that I inspired them to find their voice and challenge their fears – it’s very moving. It brings a tear to my eye because just that means the world – knowing in some way that my words are helping. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do since my own experiences led to too many years wasted on torment and self ridicule.

I love this community, you know? This ragtag team of misfits with gentle souls, curious minds and warm spirits. It’s inspiring, not just as someone who finds it fulfilling to mentor, but as someone who might need help one day. I know I can approach someone honestly and receive advice.

Sometimes I doubt myself, doubt my words and think of just giving up writing altogether. But then something happens – it could be a blog post from a fellow writer, it could be an email from a reader, it could be a comment or a gesture of kindness in my world when I’m out shopping – life has a way of bringing back the light and providing a drive sometimes.

Shed Your Skin: On Being Primal

I think I’m going to dedicate this week – the beginning of spring for Australians – to the primal dynamic. I’ve talked at length about it before, I’m sure, but I still feel there’s so much to discuss and look at and write about.

For anyone unfamiliar, the primal dynamic is about shedding your societal skin and listening to your raw and unfiltered thoughts – whether they be sexual or non sexual. It can be about acting without restraint on your base instincts and learning to not care so much about the intensity of such a feeling. It’s usually linked to a few other things, like pet play and exhibitionism, because these things are linked to our animalistic personas one way or another.

But like anything, it’s different person to person. What primal meant for me and my background might not mean the same for another primal.

I found out I was a primal by giving myself over to this all consuming darkness within me.

Some folks disagree with me when I mention ‘giving in to a darkness’ but for me in the beginning, that’s what it felt like – darkness.

I was a shy and quiet guy, so use to a catholic lifestyle that I was a bit sheltered. So when I had a thought that was raw and unfiltered, I ran from it. I buried it in the library of my mind because the sheer power of it vibrated my body with a nervous energy so intense that, honestly, it scared me. I had never felt such power, such manic energy before.

I fought it for years, – each time it came back, I buried it out of panic – who was this guy?! This isn’t me. I can’t say those things, I can’t THINK those things! I honestly thought I was mad – or an addict for sex.

Do you recall that scene from The NeverEnding Story where Atreyu confronts his true self at the Magic Mirror Gate? That was what I had to do – commune with this part of my splintered self to find out who I really was.

I would set time aside a day where I could let these thoughts run wild and not react to them, even when they were so wild and possessive. It was easy to think of myself as deranged or a psychopath. A predator. But I had to learn not to judge – that pushing her against the counter when he’s not looking and take her sweet ass* was more an impulse I could choose to ignore. Because I was ultimately in charge.

So for me, being primal became about being aware of unfiltered thoughts and accepting them and processing them. And at other times, not necessarily acting on any unprocessed thoughts either. And this extends to non sexual of course, it could be dealing with someone you don’t like at work or keeping the peace at family functions or amongst circle of friends.

There’s more to it, I feel. So much more. About our own sense of freedom, our identification with animals, our animalistic self, the hunt between predator and prey – and pet play scenarios itself. But I’ve talked too much.

To anyone who might think they’re primal and are struggling with their own minds, be kind to yourself. Lie with your thoughts, let them materialise in front of you but don’t react. Don’t judge. This is a fragment of you and there’s nothing wrong with that.

But if you need to talk it over, I’m more than happy for you to email me personally or here if it’ll help.

And for any fellow primal being, I would love to hear your stories on how you realised you were primal and how you came to terms with that – in an email or in a comments section. I adore meeting new primals!

*= a fantasy I had about my lady when we were renting with a roommate.