It’s Okay To Sometimes Make a Mistake In This BDSM Lifestyle

Be you submissive or dominant or a lovely hybrid of both, if you’re new to the lifestyle – the great wide wonderful world of BDSM and kink and dynamics, chances are you’re bound to make a mistake. You’re bound to misinterpret or have a hiccup or stumble.

It could be forgetting to do a task, it could be a selfish reasoning to dominate, it could be an error in or out of the bedroom.

And you know what? That’s fine. That’s great. That’s okay, because that’s how we learn to improve — and there’s no shame in that. At least, you shouldn’t feel that way inclined.

So long as, if we are indeed in the wrong, we learn from the error and grow through the experience, that’s okay.

When I started off in the lifestyle, I didn’t even know it was a lifestyle. There was my first mistake. But even more so, I was thinking like a young mind. I was thinking I’m terms of only my dominance and not entirely of the needs and mindset of my girlfriend at the time.

Even when I entered into my first fully 24/7 relationship I made some hiccup mistakes – lapses in judgement that, after a discussion regarding it, I could understand the different perspective. And I learned from it.

Talking to others in the lifestyle really helped. It still does. I have an eager mind to talk sometimes when my anxiety doesn’t override my nature. Talking to others helped me understand, helped ease my mind into the mind of a submissive. I learned to become patient, to develop my awareness of the submissive self.

Having a family comprised of women certainly helped shape my understanding and nature I would say, but it was talking to – for me, submissive women – that helped me understand.

I understood my shortcomings, I understood a need to please, I listened and asked questions where I thought to.

So take it from a general fuck up – you can pick yourself back up and keep moving on, so long as you listen and understand and admit to your own misdirections – if any.

Remember: The only silly question is the one not asked. Talking to others and listening with an open mind and heart is key, as well as being open with yourself. Because you might very well change – and sometimes change can be good.

If you need to chat, doesn’t hesitate to reach me at — darkanddominant@hotmail.com

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His Slave: A Free-Form Writing Piece

She rises from her bed and the first thing she feels is the winter morning.

Her nipples harden at the winter’s kiss so cool that her raven hair, strewn across her chest like a Disney princess she ponders, can hide from the warmth.

Her feet hit the floor, becoming stuck in ice.

She gropes for her phone, rubs the sleep from her eyes, makes sure her breasts – large, uneven, lopsided she thinks – are not hidden from the camera.

She practices her smile, raises the camera high to her left – her best angle – and snaps.

She views it. Frowns. She doesn’t like it, she doesn’t like her tired eyes or the way her breasts sit, but she relents. Digresses. She brings up Master’s chat window. She finds the picture, a long line in a list of images, some requested, some part of her daily ritual, some she took feeling good one evening.

She hits send.

With that, she climbs out of bed and into the arctic.

In the shower she masturbates. She thinks on many things – Master’s cock from a world away, a world she’ll see again on the weekend. She thinks of him asking to watch her and though she feels she wants to join him, she relents. Digresses. He always taught her of equality but she wants to see him smile.

When she comes, it’s at the point in her fantasy where their eyes interlock just as she climaxes. She can feel him now, those dark eyes. She can’t quite unlock them. They do not betray what he’s thinking.

On the chair in the corner of her bedroom sits her outfit of the day. She laments her work uniform, that there is not much choice, but Master wants them anyway. He likes it that way. He still picks her bra and panties every day. Today’s being black and elegant but with a fun g-string she bought – black and white strip pattern with a black lacy edges and a cute bow at the front.

When she sees this, she giggles to herself, and a warmth, despite the frozen world around her, rushes through her, fills her with delight.

She gets dressed, but takes her time, feeling the fabric against her skin, knowing Master picked it out makes it all the more exciting.

In her underwear she glances in the mirror. She doesn’t like what she sees, it is true. Where Master sees curves and beauty, she sees fat. The thought darkens her mind. She can feel herself and frown and tries to lift her face away from it.

They’re working on it, she thinks, straightening out the twist in her panties.

Deep down she knows she doesn’t need this, or him, to feel positive. But, she says out loud, the support means everything.

Fully dressed, she pulls her phone off charge. She opens a note saves on her phone – her mantra. She recites her inner strength, her ownership, her goals, her heart. Her reminders. This makes her smile, the warmth pulsating within her.

Before she can put the phone in her pocket, her phone buzzes. Her Master sends his good mornings, reminds her of her importance, not to him but the world around her.

They would talk from the moment she left home, during the train ride into the city, and on the approach to her work.

Him, her Master, and her, His Slave.

Writing In The Dark: A Reflection

The other day I thought about my own writing on this blog. I wanted to critique my own writing, not in some self-indulgent wank way, but in the hopes that maybe through my rambling, it might answer a question someone wanted to ask.

The main question I’ve gotten is – why so dark?

And I don’t know if I can properly answer that, but I’m willing to try:

It’s dark because I find that fascinating.

Anything that comes out on this blog is some strange fantasy of mine, something that comes in the dead of the night, something that comes to a sleepy mind, something that comes in a lucid dream – or day dream.

This blog here is like a box. Or maybe a prison. Some kind of container I expunge these darker impulses into – and that’s why, for the most part, they are coarse and unrefined.

I know my writing can be lacking or grammatical incorrect or what have you, because you’re looking at the very first draft, scribbled hastily as I’m possessed by images, sounds, settings, all merging together to create something divine and deep an dark.

I do this primarily to share with the world. As a writer of course my goal is to thrill and arouse, but in another way the goal here is to put out these twisted thoughts to show others that you’re not insane, there’s someone else as strange or gothic as you! Whether any of this stories achieve their goal, I don’t know – maybe they don’t and maybe they do.

In any case, I need to write for myself. Because I too hope I’m not alone in the world, in my fantasies.

But to circle back to an earlier reason – I write these things because I’m fascinated by the mindsets involved. The battle of wits, the tangles of bodies, the power play. The struggle.

It’s a canvas to explore my animalistic nature, my sadism, the thoughts that scare me. Sometimes it’s about empowerment given to the lady in the story – the one that assumes control, from below. Sometimes it’s nothing more but a transcript of a dream. An intimate look into my mind.

I like to challenge perceptions, push limits of characters or reader. I don’t know if I’ve done that but I like to try. I like to push my own limits, see how deep I can go.

I rarely have an ending in mind when I write. A story lives it’s own life. Characters come alive and I’m merely transcribing how they react through whatever means I can.

I do this in a fever dream, tasting and seeing and experiencing as I go. I’m the first reader to see it, in a way. An observer.

Hopefully this has shed some light on the writing process for those that have wondered or are interested. If you have any questions, let me know!

Misconceptions On a D/s lifestyle

Something that I’ve been meaning to sit down and write about for a while is addressing newcomers on their one-foot-in-the-world of D/s dynamics and BDSM.

The common fear being addressed, that I’ve ever stumbled across in Wikis or have heard directly are misconceptions relating to BDSM or a specific dynamic.

Misconceptions

I know there’s a misconception that all people involved in BDSM are strange gothic creatures, the type you may meet in a Marilyn Manson music video.

But it’s wrong.

The people you will find interested in BDSM or a D/s relationship are normal, small-country town people. They could be your doctor or the clerk at the mall or the guy who rips your ticket at the cinema.

Yes, there are people who take it to extreme measures. But extreme measures can be found anywhere. Look at Comic-Con or animal lovers or healthy folk. The point is, extremes generally depend on the individual.

It’s Not Just About Sex

Sure, a large component about it IS sex, but that’s not all a D/s relationship is comprised of.

If we are open minded about the process, we can find great beauty in the mix, as well as understanding, patience and grace.

A D/s relationship can involve the most beautiful quiet moments, a magnificent level of trust, a connection so rich or even profound that it enriches anything else the couple interacts with.

I once spoke to a woman who was interested in the Daddy / little girl lifestyle but didn’t want to be associated with what she believed was the true nature of the relationship – the incestuous sex play.

The problem here was the misconception was shaping her view on it and D/s relationships in general because she must’ve seen a meme or read an article or heard something that misunderstood reasoning.

I had to say. No. A Daddy / little girl relationship, while yes – can include any incestuous roleplay – is primarily about the interaction between a Dominant and a submissive on a very gut level, almost primal, instinct.

It’s How You Feel

While it’s fantastic to read up on differing dynamics and what they mean – this can help iron out some knots in your mind – don’t view it as a strict definition of who you are as a person, because that can change.

Find what suits you best. Adapt. Customise. Change. Make it personal to fit yourself or who you are, because you need to be happy with that person.

And should there come a day where change is terrifying, remember – it’s okay to navigate new areas. One day I woke up and realised that, after all, there was a side to my personality I likened to that of a Master. I’m not strictly a Master, I’m a weird sort of a hybrid. And yeah, I copped flak from other Dominants due to their own perceived definitions, but you’ve got to make yourself happy. You’ve got to lead your own path.

Don’t Be Scared

You’re not going to lose yourself in the process of learning new things about yourself. Just try and think of it as going back to school, learning new units. I guarantee you that you’ll still be your old self, just maybe new and improved.

It may be scary to start a new main quest. It may feel like you’ll need to readjust your whole way of thinking. You may feel shame and fear and guilt, but in time that will pass..

Balancing The Scales: On Anxiety and Giving Guidance

When it comes to helping people, there’s always this part of my mind that jumps to feeling guilty about it. And at the same time that I know why I feel guilty, I don’t really know why I know why I feel guilty.

I recognise it though, this feeling of imposing, of bugging, of intruding. I know it comes from a lack of self confidence. Which comes from my teenage years, of being soft spoken, of having a quiet voice and of doubting each word that comes out of your mouth.

I’ve been anxious before I knew what anxiety really was and could create. And maybe that’s always been with me, and IS with me as I stumble along in the dark.

I offer my help – to readers here, because of my own struggles in my journeys. But when I do so, I’m hit with a wave of questions, more noticeably one that asks – why is this so important to you?

I’ve wrote about this before, this Daddy-esque feeling, this overwhelming desire to console and guide where help or guidance is needed. And it doesn’t just stop at BDSM and the lifestyle, it extends to any issue. It extends to friends. To friends of friends. To strangers. To family.

I’ve written to my lady’s friends when I sense a troubled mind in their posts. And I can’t help it. You better believe I fight it. I don’t want to sound like I’m preying on a vulnerable time, I don’t want to sound or feel like a creep – yet I’m driven forward by this need to offer help.

I don’t offer it aggressively. Or repeatedly. I mean, I do here but that’s only because I sometimes want to reach out to new followers because I sometimes receive a private message in which the person states they’ve been working up the courage to write to me – and I don’t know why, because I’m the friendly neighbourhood teddy bear.

But I offer help gently. Once, and then I’m gone. The old me would’ve obsessed with stressing it’s okay to write to me but now I know best to leave it to the individual. They will if they want.

So: I don’t know why I feel like I’d be intruding. Maybe it’s just residual anxious thoughts best left to throw out with the trash. Maybe it’s more important – a defect in my mind? I’m all for a balance and if I have a need to help and guide, what’s on the other scale?

All I know is I can be driven by a need to help anyone either from this blog or otherwise. It’s my honour. And sometimes I feel bad about that.

All I Want

There’s passion to be found, not in action but expression.

My hands claw her side, tear her leggings, expose her flesh, leaves marks in her flesh – thin red streaks across her hips.

I don’t care about Force. I don’t care it’s the coffee table, I don’t care about anything.

All I want, for eternity, is to press my cock against the curves of her ass and come to a rhythm built only for us.

Thinking Out Loud: Looking at Mental Health, BDSM and D/s Relationships

In my time of blogging, not to mention my own existential wanderings, I’ve come to realise that there is a relationship between those into BDSM and anxiety and/or depression.

The only thing I have had trouble understanding is the answer to the question – why?

Do these two things exist because of each other? Does one lead to the other? Is it through our development, whatever leads to the makings of anxiety in our mind or biological make up, that we become drawn to BDSM and Dominant / submissive relationships?

I’m not saying that you can’t have one without the other – you obviously can – but since opening my blog and talking to the gracious souls that wish to strike up a dialogue, a recurring theme I’ve seen is that anxiety and depression are threads that weave in and out of these lives.

I don’t know why. Sometimes I like to think it’s my anxious mind that helps me be kinder to the world and to partners and to people. Is that another connective tissue or am I simply being egotistical at this point? Questions upon questions.

Maybe I’m not qualified to even answer, or to write this article. I’m a writer, not a therapist. I merely think out loud.

I don’t know what to tell someone when they ask if their interest in BDSM is linked to a trauma that occurred early in their life. I can’t say, only offering to be a sympathetic ear and to gently remind them that practicing BDSM and D/s safely should not bring about any guilt.

I don’t think we’ll get all the answers. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe, so long as things are practiced in a healthy manner, so long as the individual’s state of mind is calm and in a positive state, maybe the why isn’t as important as the how.

In the end, what’s important is finding that sweet spot of living peacefully with your demons. Of safe environments in BDSM, of living with grief. Co-existing, you know?

Make time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Remember that living with a mental illness CAN be compatible with BDSM and a D/s relationship because the physical safety and mental well-being of those involved is a key factor and can be safely explored, with or without a partner.

When I began to actively explore BDSM and a D/s relationship, I didn’t know where I could stand. I often have so many thoughts that I need to have someone who can reassure me that things are okay, that they won’t tire of my questions or run out of patience. And I found my footing! And the same can happen for you!

No matter what has happened, we can come back from being knocked down. I have to believe that we can. Even in my worst days of panic.