What Is A BDSM Mentor?

I’ve spoken about acting as a mentor to people in the past but I don’t believe I touched on just what exactly is a Mentor in the context of the BDSM lifestyle.

As I’ve been doing some reflecting lately on it, I thought I’d go into detail about the role.

A BDSM Mentor – or just mentor – is someone that has been in the lifestyle long enough themselves that they have experience and a good understanding of the differing aspects of the lifestyle, enough so that they can act as support and guidance needed to newcomers to BDSM and a D/s lifestyle.

There needs to be a solid foundation for a mentor and the newcomer’s interactions. Forging trust between one another is paramount, as is genuine friendship. You’ll be working together and, depending on the individual, maybe even on sensitive, intimate aspects. So establishing trust and bond is absolutely necessary. At the end of the day, you want to get along, build up a rapport.

Whether or not the mentor role is sexual or non-sexual depends on the individuals. It can be sexual – two interested parties – but it can also be strictly non-sexual, just two people having a discussion about the layers of D/s.

I’m sure there are people who evolve from a Mentor / Mentored to a genuine relationship – and maybe that’s what they want and that’s fine – but otherwise, a BDSM Mentor should be in that strictly non-sexual role.

Okay, but what does a BDSM Mentor actually do?

In my experience, being a mentor to a newcomer has involved listening to their needs and wants and guiding them accordingly. Recommending non fiction books, advice that helped them. Pointing them in the direction of tools that helped them.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of having that line of communication open, sometimes it’s listening about their relationship or their thoughts and helping them make sense of it, sometimes it’s just answering any questions they have about the lifestyle.

If they want to stop in the middle of their day – to ask or vent or simply just talk out their feelings – that’s fine by me because I’m just happy to help.

Sometimes people need just support and structure in their lives – positive reinforcement, a fresh perspective to clear their mind. I helped someone I Mentored get to the gym more, while I helped another organise their day in a way that she always wanted to but struggled to. It’s

Setting tasks for the individual to reflect upon, offering resources like non-fiction books and just giving your time and patience – that’s what a mentor does. If you are mentoring, it is important to be impartial. Objective. This isn’t about you.

Is a mentor needed for a successful D/s or BDSM relationship?

Absolutely not. I never had one. It’s just there if you need to ask the questions. Sometimes it’s tough asking a question to a whole forum.

Whether you want a mentor there to assist you, for as ever long as you want, is entirely up to your preference. Some prefer the community in whole, some thrive on a one-to-one basis. It really depends on your personal views.

Should a submissive find a submissive mentor and a dominant find a dominant mentor? Or can they cross?

It depends on personal preference. Though I’m sure a submissive mentor could impart knowledge that I – as a dominant – couldn’t fathom, I think learning from both sides of the dynamic could be a fascinating and enlightening experience.

Some people prefer to work with someone of the same dynamic while others like to work with the opposite to gain some insight into the mind. It’s entirely up to the individual.

In my experience as a mentor, I’ve mentored both dominant and submissive people and have enjoyed answering questions to both sides of the dynamic. To the best of my ability.

Do you still mentor?

I do! The door is always open for people of any background or nationality, if you think I’m the right person to help you. If so, I’m happy to chat with you for as long you want so you can feel comfortable with me and make sure you still want that line of dialogue to be open.

Take your time deciding what’s best for you. You have all the time in the world to learn or to build a friendship and trust with the person that you want to be mentored by. Follow your heart and soul and you’ll be perfectly fine.