My Relationship with Mentoring

I’ve been sitting here thinking a lot about my relationship to mentoring. Primarily because I haven’t been actively doing it lately. No real reason, it’s just something that has been inactive of late.

There are many reasons why I like to mentor – working closely with people, in areas I struggled with, is a passion of mine, while sharing resources and experiencing growth, both in myself as a teacher of sorts and in the individual on their own path, is a pure joy. Absolutely lovely.

Lending an ear to a problem or merely just talking through the thought process is always rewarding to me. I appreciate given the chance to help and try to do so where I can, which can go either way.

I do my best to be respectful and not intrusive. I like to think of it as having me on a call. If there’s a question to be asked, a nightmare to puzzle over, I’m just a call away.

Being a mentor comes with misconceptions, some of which I’ve already discussed. The main one is that its a sexual relationship, which it is not. While mentoring may raise questions of a sexual nature, it’s purely platonic.

What exactly a mentor does is also a thing Ive been asked a lot. And that depends on the individual and what they seek. The main thing to consider is this: A mentor is a friend. A friend experienced in the ways of D/s and BDSM, mind you, but a friend none the less.

This friend may help be a life coach, provide you with resources and answer and their own time. This friend could be someone you’d text while sipping on a coffee in a cafe, while you tell them about your dreams. It’s entirely up to the individual and how much they want to share.

I don’t know why I’m compelled to mentor. I don’t know why it drives me to write a personal email, or to offer help where I can. But if I’m going to make peace with myself, to keep the peace with myself, I should start to accept my own mind, no matter how eccentric it may seem.

When I find out the answer, I’ll let you know.

My Relationship with Anxiety

I’ve written many an article on Anxiety, yes siree. From finding ways to cope to a cry to stay strong during darker times, I’ve pretty much rambled about it all.

But in my other piece the other day, another reader / blogger on WP delved deeper – they asked about I view my own relationship with anxiety, and it got me thinking. And yes, this will be the last one for the foreseeable future.

I talk a lot about anxiety because it’s something so close to me. It’s in the vein of my family and it’s something many suffer but none want to discuss – or are too scared to. And I raise it because I know there’s a kink between it and kink.

But I am conscious of never using it as a crutch. For example, I’m generally socially awkward but I will push myself to go to the big event or to gatherings or the like. I never want to get to a point where it defines my relationships and my life so I find small ways of combatting it. I’m not stuck with it, it’s stuck with me.

My parents always taught me to be independent. My dad saw I had something in me, a writing gift (not saying I do but still) and he always ALWAYS pushed me to not settle for less. These things have formed a part of me that will push back against anxiety.

And yet I succumb when it spikes.

Before I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I panicked like crazy over a magnitude of thoughts. I obsessed and ruminated and made myself sick – it’s a record skipping on the spot. Like my mind can’t heal over this one focused spot.

This led me to study what anxiety was. And once I knew how irrational and so unlike yourself it could make you, I gradually learned how to identify thoughts that were driven by that mad-cap thinking, which meant I could put the brakes on an incoming panic attack.

I used to think ‘oh God, how am I going to live a normal life?’ – but now I know, you don’t have to settle for less. You can find ways to combat it, minimise it and be healthy. It can be done.

After suffering a panic attack and stabilising, it’s true that it affects my Dominance – my mind is so caught up that its back on the record player skipping – but after I’ve rebooted, things are calm. And any time I’ve lost with my lady, well….. *grins sadistically*

I liken my anxiety to a dormant creature. Comes out every so often for a spook show and then retreats. I realise it’s there, in my life, but I certainly don’t step on eggshells around it, constantly worried I’ll trigger it — I’m too old and stubborn to be scared anymore. And in certainly not going to use it for sympathy. I’m going to live my life how I want the way I want to. Whatever comes next, I know I’m prepared accordingly.

I hope this has helped those that had questions about my relationship with the disorder. If not, if you have more questions, I welcome them. But now, let’s get back to our regularly scheduled kink fest!

Life as a Dominant with an Anxiety Disorder

Sometimes, in the midst of an anxiety attack, I don’t feel Dominant at all. Sometimes, when this anxiety spikes, resulting in a week or more of lack of appetite, constant ruminating, lack of interest in favourite hobbies, I lose track of roles and protocols and daily tasks.

I’ve been blessed with the most patient and beautiful soul, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’ve failed her, like I’ve failed us and like I’ve failed myself.

I’m not myself, you see. I sob uncontrollably. I curl up naked and hope to God my lady will comfort me. In that moment, I feel weak. I know it’s okay to cry, to be sensitive, but as a man, there’s still some ridiculous thing in the back of my head saying I’m flawed for doing these things. Even though I know better when I’m out of the storm.

I think of other relationships – do the men act this way? Or are they ever strong, always confident in their D/s interactions? Do they falter? And why am I even comparing?

In times like these, when I’m anxious, the D/s relationship between my kitten and I takes a backseat. There’s still that pull we both feel, sure, but we don’t engage, we live out another beautiful part of our relationship – that friendship on fire, that comfortable, beautiful warmth of the fire.

And before you know it, I’ve rebooted and I’m back to being myself again. And so my life – and hers – goes.

The thing is — we’re human. We fall. We fluctuate. We falter. That’s life. I mean, kudos to the men and women who are strong-willed, but at the same time, I’ve had years to come to terms with the fact that I’m a sensitive soul. It doesn’t take away from my masculinity or make me effeminate – guys need to know it’s okay to be sensitive, to cry and to falter from time to time.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

We Are The Masters Of Our Own Fate

I was cleaning my MacBook and I stumbled across some old text messages that dated back before my relationship with my lady (Thanks, iMessage!) and one of the files was from a Fetlifer I befriended on my travels before losing contact – and something she expressed to me, which has since struck a chord again here in the future, was her pull of submission towards her ex, who, for whatever reason – maybe he was manipulating her, maybe he himself was trapped in that comforting yet vicious cycle, maybe they were working things out – felt that same animalistic pull.

Now I don’t want to seem like I’m focusing on the negative here, but something I have come to read a lot of, and occasionally sense first hand in relationships, some right before my eyes, is this dysfunctional relationship between a submissive and a dominant.

It could be a conscious thing. I have heard many stories of men, thinking they understand Dominance, abuse the power with malicious intent. I’ve heard of submissive women feeling trapped, either in their marriage to a controlling man or maybe they’re feeling different in a irreparable way, maybe it’s a man, stuck on how to express his feelings, either to his wife, or about his own sexuality, maybe he is unable to proceed with his dominance because the progress eludes him – the variables are endless.

The thing is…we are the captains of our own ship. We are the masters of our fate. Today may be a shit day but tomorrow may be better, if not a step towards being better. Something that people don’t realise, I certainly forget often, is — you’re in this for the long game. Progress takes time. You’ve got to fight like hell even when you feel you’re already there.

For submissive folk, don’t you ever feel weak. Realising you’re submissive takes great courage. Tapping into that submission takes great bravery. Exploring the aspirations of a submissive and it’s dynamic qualities takes tremendous strength.

Always remember that submission isn’t just simply obeying a dominant persona. It’s choosing a dominant persona. It’s granting access to your heart and mind. That takes guts, that takes a certain fearlessness. You should be proud of yourself.

For Dominant folk, remember that being dominant is so much more than protocol and order and sexual gratification, it’s love and trust and harnessing your mind – not just yourselves but the mind of your submissive. It’s about being tender, about being attentive and it’s about care. Here and now and in the future.

And if Dominance and submission is a one night thing, see it has tender and care and harnessing minds for that brief period. There’s still a moment that takes patience and respect into equation.

More importantly, and I speak to both dominants and submissives, don’t let someone walk over you. Don’t let someone boss you around. Don’t let your current situation, of destructive or helpless, put you down – because you can strive for a better future in which all is harmonious. And you can achieve that. It’ll take time, you may need to reboot your life, but you will survive so long as you believe in a positive future and in yourself.

You’ve got this.

It’s Okay To Sometimes Make a Mistake In This BDSM Lifestyle

Be you submissive or dominant or a lovely hybrid of both, if you’re new to the lifestyle – the great wide wonderful world of BDSM and kink and dynamics, chances are you’re bound to make a mistake. You’re bound to misinterpret or have a hiccup or stumble.

It could be forgetting to do a task, it could be a selfish reasoning to dominate, it could be an error in or out of the bedroom.

And you know what? That’s fine. That’s great. That’s okay, because that’s how we learn to improve — and there’s no shame in that. At least, you shouldn’t feel that way inclined.

So long as, if we are indeed in the wrong, we learn from the error and grow through the experience, that’s okay.

When I started off in the lifestyle, I didn’t even know it was a lifestyle. There was my first mistake. But even more so, I was thinking like a young mind. I was thinking I’m terms of only my dominance and not entirely of the needs and mindset of my girlfriend at the time.

Even when I entered into my first fully 24/7 relationship I made some hiccup mistakes – lapses in judgement that, after a discussion regarding it, I could understand the different perspective. And I learned from it.

Talking to others in the lifestyle really helped. It still does. I have an eager mind to talk sometimes when my anxiety doesn’t override my nature. Talking to others helped me understand, helped ease my mind into the mind of a submissive. I learned to become patient, to develop my awareness of the submissive self.

Having a family comprised of women certainly helped shape my understanding and nature I would say, but it was talking to – for me, submissive women – that helped me understand.

I understood my shortcomings, I understood a need to please, I listened and asked questions where I thought to.

So take it from a general fuck up – you can pick yourself back up and keep moving on, so long as you listen and understand and admit to your own misdirections – if any.

Remember: The only silly question is the one not asked. Talking to others and listening with an open mind and heart is key, as well as being open with yourself. Because you might very well change – and sometimes change can be good.

If you need to chat, doesn’t hesitate to reach me at — darkanddominant@hotmail.com

Misconceptions On a D/s lifestyle

Something that I’ve been meaning to sit down and write about for a while is addressing newcomers on their one-foot-in-the-world of D/s dynamics and BDSM.

The common fear being addressed, that I’ve ever stumbled across in Wikis or have heard directly are misconceptions relating to BDSM or a specific dynamic.

Misconceptions

I know there’s a misconception that all people involved in BDSM are strange gothic creatures, the type you may meet in a Marilyn Manson music video.

But it’s wrong.

The people you will find interested in BDSM or a D/s relationship are normal, small-country town people. They could be your doctor or the clerk at the mall or the guy who rips your ticket at the cinema.

Yes, there are people who take it to extreme measures. But extreme measures can be found anywhere. Look at Comic-Con or animal lovers or healthy folk. The point is, extremes generally depend on the individual.

It’s Not Just About Sex

Sure, a large component about it IS sex, but that’s not all a D/s relationship is comprised of.

If we are open minded about the process, we can find great beauty in the mix, as well as understanding, patience and grace.

A D/s relationship can involve the most beautiful quiet moments, a magnificent level of trust, a connection so rich or even profound that it enriches anything else the couple interacts with.

I once spoke to a woman who was interested in the Daddy / little girl lifestyle but didn’t want to be associated with what she believed was the true nature of the relationship – the incestuous sex play.

The problem here was the misconception was shaping her view on it and D/s relationships in general because she must’ve seen a meme or read an article or heard something that misunderstood reasoning.

I had to say. No. A Daddy / little girl relationship, while yes – can include any incestuous roleplay – is primarily about the interaction between a Dominant and a submissive on a very gut level, almost primal, instinct.

It’s How You Feel

While it’s fantastic to read up on differing dynamics and what they mean – this can help iron out some knots in your mind – don’t view it as a strict definition of who you are as a person, because that can change.

Find what suits you best. Adapt. Customise. Change. Make it personal to fit yourself or who you are, because you need to be happy with that person.

And should there come a day where change is terrifying, remember – it’s okay to navigate new areas. One day I woke up and realised that, after all, there was a side to my personality I likened to that of a Master. I’m not strictly a Master, I’m a weird sort of a hybrid. And yeah, I copped flak from other Dominants due to their own perceived definitions, but you’ve got to make yourself happy. You’ve got to lead your own path.

Don’t Be Scared

You’re not going to lose yourself in the process of learning new things about yourself. Just try and think of it as going back to school, learning new units. I guarantee you that you’ll still be your old self, just maybe new and improved.

It may be scary to start a new main quest. It may feel like you’ll need to readjust your whole way of thinking. You may feel shame and fear and guilt, but in time that will pass..

Balancing The Scales: On Anxiety and Giving Guidance

When it comes to helping people, there’s always this part of my mind that jumps to feeling guilty about it. And at the same time that I know why I feel guilty, I don’t really know why I know why I feel guilty.

I recognise it though, this feeling of imposing, of bugging, of intruding. I know it comes from a lack of self confidence. Which comes from my teenage years, of being soft spoken, of having a quiet voice and of doubting each word that comes out of your mouth.

I’ve been anxious before I knew what anxiety really was and could create. And maybe that’s always been with me, and IS with me as I stumble along in the dark.

I offer my help – to readers here, because of my own struggles in my journeys. But when I do so, I’m hit with a wave of questions, more noticeably one that asks – why is this so important to you?

I’ve wrote about this before, this Daddy-esque feeling, this overwhelming desire to console and guide where help or guidance is needed. And it doesn’t just stop at BDSM and the lifestyle, it extends to any issue. It extends to friends. To friends of friends. To strangers. To family.

I’ve written to my lady’s friends when I sense a troubled mind in their posts. And I can’t help it. You better believe I fight it. I don’t want to sound like I’m preying on a vulnerable time, I don’t want to sound or feel like a creep – yet I’m driven forward by this need to offer help.

I don’t offer it aggressively. Or repeatedly. I mean, I do here but that’s only because I sometimes want to reach out to new followers because I sometimes receive a private message in which the person states they’ve been working up the courage to write to me – and I don’t know why, because I’m the friendly neighbourhood teddy bear.

But I offer help gently. Once, and then I’m gone. The old me would’ve obsessed with stressing it’s okay to write to me but now I know best to leave it to the individual. They will if they want.

So: I don’t know why I feel like I’d be intruding. Maybe it’s just residual anxious thoughts best left to throw out with the trash. Maybe it’s more important – a defect in my mind? I’m all for a balance and if I have a need to help and guide, what’s on the other scale?

All I know is I can be driven by a need to help anyone either from this blog or otherwise. It’s my honour. And sometimes I feel bad about that.