My 2018 in Review

2018 was the beginning of many things for me – I had began an odyssey into a new career for starters and my lady and I moved deeper into our relationship, inside D/s and outside, about ourselves and how we relate to one another.

Then there was mentoring. Where once I was too shy and insecure to think that I, of all people, could mentor, Now I felt I could be of some assistance to people, new to the lifestyle or just looking for advice.

It was a year of maturity and of things in my life, me most of all, maturing.

Confidence grew in our relationship, in both of us, to be more vocal about our wants and needs. This came about by experiencing the daily grind of life – work and tiredness leading to forgetfulness, to personas leading to a vanilla week, which – while not terrible – was lacking for both of us. Which in turn led to truths and love deepening and strengthening and – Kink reigniting in the most explosive and passionate ways. It was a realisation that life and moods can fluctuate but that we were strong together, more now then ever.

Mentoring taught me lessons too. The most important of all, really, is that I can’t help everyone. I can only be there as much I can – that the rest is up to the individual or the couple.

I learned to teach and be informative in a way that was objective rather than personal. I had to be conscious that I wasn’t just being biased towards links or tastes, that I was speaking freely about all manners.

In turn I made a lot of wonderful acquaintances, some for a month before life’s distractions got in the way, others in the long term. All of them wonderful and lovely. Some as long as they needed.

Oh and I surprised myself. I discovered that teaching or helping or mentoring or being there is very important to me. That I may need it as much as the individual, that it speaks to my soul. I never felt impatient or bored, I felt ready to give my all. Sometimes I even felt Daddy-like, nurturing in a way. Eager to guide.

It’s true I’m still painfully awkward, but I do my best hoping I don’t sound like a creep or – worst case scenario – unhelpful.

So in the end, 2018 was about maturity for me, in myself and in my relationship and in other aspects of my life as well.

Where 2019 goes, I have no idea. I only hope it’s as filled with warmth and love as last year and that I continue to meet wonderful strangers, questions or no questions!

And to you, dear readers, here’s to making beautiful memories in your year! I hope it’s a year of magic and wonder and laughter!

How Can You Tell If You’re Dominant Or Submissive?

Ladies and gents, I’m kinda stumped.

Early in the week, I was talking to a lady about how to implement kink into her marriage with her husband, when she ran a question by me – How do you know if you’re Dominant?

I answered that question best I could in the moment, running my own experiences with identifying the feeling by her, hoping it would connect somehow. But now, days later, I’m still thinking it over. I don’t really know HOW. It all seems so organic looking back.

I have also recently had someone ask me If they’re still fully submissive if they enjoy being bratty – there’s a lot of misunderstanding about the persona and how it applies to the individual.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of confused and alone people out there with a laundry list of questions and no one to ask. I’m more than happy to answer anything anyone has to ask, be you male, female, teenager, adult, new to the lifestyle or in the middle of a transformation or even someone with an inkling of kinkling.

Anyway, I thought I would try to the answer the question at length, hoping newcomers to BDSM might relate and it can help them in their own journey.

In the beginning, I had these feelings that I had understanding of. I didn’t know I could file my name calling under ‘Degradation and Humiliation’ nor did I understand why I was so interested in control – in exercising authority over my girlfriend. In these stages, there was no real sense of D/s and aftercare because I was immature and these feelings were immature and coarse and unrefined.

Before I continue, let me just write that there’s no absolute way for one person. Everyone is different and works differently.

I should say that my own development has come with a certain degree of blind luck. I met certain people at the right time in my life, people like me, through Fetlife or the semi-sketchy anonymous confessional app Whisper. I was a lucky bastard. I had the blessing of shaping who I was through encounters along my twenties.

Fetlife was a big player in my path, I would say. By signing up and looking around, I could see I wasn’t alone. I could even put a name to my kinks and thus have some semblance of understanding.

Google helped too, in a way, acting as a gateway to all sorts of media – books, images, blogs, people, Kink. Suddenly I knew of words like ‘Dominance’ and ‘submission’ and ‘dynamic’. Combine this with Fetlife and I had opportunities to feel the gravitational force to someone who was submissive. I’m talking, heart racing, cock hardening, breath quickening gravitational forces that helped me realise something was within me.

I know what you’re wondering. ‘Okay, but how does someone know if they’re dominant? Or even submissive?’

The best advice I can give is that it starts with an idea. Have a google of key concepts that come to mind when you think of BDSM – blindfolding, handcuffs, dirty talk. Start small. See if something strikes up your fancy.

If you want to reach deeper, have a look at concepts within a D/s relationship, such as setting tasks and rules and maintaining order. See if any of these concepts appeal to you on a base level. Try not to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information – there can be a lot to learn but you can easily break it up into easily digestible parts.

Start small. Start light. A bit of spanking, a bit of issuing commands – talk to your partner about what they would like to try and see if it strikes a chord with you on any level.

The last advice I can give is to be open to yourself and to your partner. That goes for likes and dislikes and even if you’re uninterested. But always be open to trying at least. You never know what you’ll find on the road less travelled.

Lessons Learnt As a Mentor

It’s strange that I can go so long without talking to someone new to BDSM and D/s and then all of a sudden, a few people are reaching out to chat to me about their questions. Maybe it’s the season of change that brings it out of people this time of year?

I only ever considered myself confident enough to mentor regularly since 2017 and even then I wasn’t sure if I could actually legitimately help, even though you all have been lovely and encouraging to me in that regard anyway.

The real reason I’m writing is that talking to these people and feeling this gratitude for earning their trust, I wanted to talk about what I have learned as a mentor in the past year.

My most important lesson learned has to make sure that I’m not being influential for the wrong reasons. Mentoring is a bit like walking between objectivity and subjectivity and while I can share my own thoughts and feelings, I always ease off a little so as to let the individual process their thoughts and learn about the topic as is and not necessarily as how I perceive the topic – if that makes sense.

Another important lesson I learned was to give choice to the individual. Sometimes I get a bit passionate about helping people – I usually write a post about wanting to help every couple of months so people know my email isn’t dead – but I’ve eased off on that a bit now, letting people decide on their own if I’m trust worthy or someone they want to run questions by. And even then, let them decide if they want my presence as a Mentor?

Which has led me to just not offer it all of late. I’ve been a bit discouraged, feeling like more of a bother than a help, which led me to spiral into feeling like a sleazy / skeevy guy for offering my hand to people. So I just stopped.

It’s only till now that I’ve started mentoring again in somewhat of a full, weekly capacity, just being a guide on-standby that answers questions and offers opinions where I can.

I’m wary of it. It feels good to encourage and help people put a name to their feelings – but I guess I’ve spent too long discouraged to be fully on board with it again.

30 Days of Kink – Day #1: Me, Myself & I

It has been three years since I last did this 30 Days of Kink questionnaire. I’ve been thinking about doing it again for some time, mainly because I sense I’ve grown so much – I sense it in myself. But I’ve put it off for a few reasons – one, because I felt cheap to do a retread, and two – because I honestly don’t know how much interest it would garner for the current list of readers.

I’m putting myself out there, hoping it is warmly received. That being said, in the interest of being honest, I will state that I haven’t read my previous answers to these thirty questions that I wrote down back in 2015 when I was 27, so I’m going in with a completely fresh mind.

I hope you join me.

Dominant, submissive or switch? List the parts of BDSM that get your juices flowing, what interests you the most? Basically define your kinky nature.

I’m a Dominant man that hails from the land of Oz! But within the dominant frame of mind, I’ve found that I identify with other aspects, such as a Master, a Daddy and a primal.

I think the thing that gets my juices flowing the most is that psychological component of the interaction, sexually but especially non-sexually. By psychological component, I mean the little details that bring out expressions in people. For me, these expressions include a change in posture, a change in demeanour. Little shifts in voice and outward appearances that are not noticeable to me but are to my kitten.

To me, it’s like I’m witnessing this transformation of someone, this very special part that they choose to show to me. And it can manifest in the eyes, the voice and in the mind.

I find these details within us, these sides of our personality, to be incredibly delicious – and also incredibly delightful to meet. I could talk with a submissive mind all night, I’m that invested in hearing differences of opinion. The more different to mine, the better.

Beyond that, I’ve found that there needs to be a level of control in my life – and this goes beyond mere sexual gratification, although there is that wonderful part – but there’s something about ownership and leadership and protocol and structure in a D/s dynamic that brings absolute joy to my life. It brings peace. It’s a very spiritual and important thing to me.

That being said, I’ve noticed different sides of my personality since I began my journey that have ignited passion and imagination in my mind. I’ve found I have a side of me with Master tendencies, that either comes out in stories or fantasies. I’m drawn to that Master / Slave mindset, finding peace within the dynamic of law and order and protocol and training and obedience.

On the other side of the coin, I’m a Daddy. I have this insatiable desire to help those in need, either friends of friends or friends in general and my kitten. I have this strangest sensation like I’m some sort of Dad to my kitten at times, or that I feel like one – it’s the weirdest sensation to put down into words.

It’s partially why I offer Mentoring, because sometimes I face such an ache in my heart when I hear the frustration of someone who writes in, and I can’t bear that pain in others.

I’m a big kid at heart, I love reading to people – Lewis Carrol, Dr. Suess – and I love animation, so Disney marathons are a must in my household. You’ll even catch me singing them too.

Lastly, I’m a primal. That was my gateway to kink even when I didn’t know it. Exhibitionism, nudity, speaking freely – I had been shy and repressed for so long that it became a practice to not reject any thoughts that came to mind. It also helps alleviate my anxiety, if that makes sense.

If you’ve made it this far, and I certainly hope you have, I hope you’ve enjoyed the read and if you have any questions regarding any of the above, by all means, pick my mind. I welcome the discussion.

And if you’re new to this 30 Days of… – try it yourself. I’d love to hear from you!

The Healing Power of Nude Meditation

It seems my mind never switches off – and I say this because when I undressed and hopped into bed to the sound of rain on a tin roof playing on my phone, as is my sleeping ritual, I thought about the people out there, somewhere along their journey, anxious and alone and feeling like today is the day their mind will finally break.

I can’t help everyone, I know that. It’s impossible to. Sometimes you have to let people find their own way through their struggles. But that doesn’t stop me from trying, from offering a non-judgemental space to talk, to offer mentoring.

I thought about all this while my body went limp, while I felt the gentle breeze of the fan pass by my feet, left to right, right to left. I heard the rain, soft and relaxing, create a space for me, a dome in which I was perfectly safe.

If you’re out there, reading my words and we’ve yet to talk for whatever reason, might I suggest some sort of nude therapy? What’s a noise that you love, a noise so calming to you that it brings you to a halt? It could be the sound of the shower running, the ocean waves crashing into shore, birds in the forest, cars on the highway? Something soothing and sweet to your ears.

If you are ever anxious and the world feels like it’s about to crash around you, do me a favour and try something.

Find an app or a CD or something with your favourite sound, rid yourself of your clothes, find your favourite space in your house and lie down. Have a think about your body – what’s tense right now? Your shoulders? Your neck? Stretch out, flex those muscles, and let yourself go limp. Relax your entire body.

Think about how your body feels in the moment – the sheets around you, maybe a breeze on your skin – think about yourself in this space, free to be exposed to the air and the room and your favourite sounds.

Listen to your breathing. If you’re anxious, steady your breathing by breathing in. Hold. One. Two. Three. Release slowly. Wait. One. Two. Three. Breathe.

You’re a beautiful, liberated being – encased and protected in your favourite place and space. Forget about the outside, easier said than done I know, but in this moment, there is only you in this world, just as there is only me in the country side, laying in the grass and feeling the rain pelting my skin as I look up at the stars. I’m free, just as you are free.

Meditating has helped me in my most anxious times. It centres me, helps me breathe, helps me realise the truths about my life and where I am going. It’s not for everyone, and it takes practice, but if you are feeling anxious, down, hard on yourself and your body and your life, I recommend you try it.

And as always, if you are struggling, for whatever reason, remember you are not alone. There is a whole support system out there for you, even the hotlines – which I know are embarrassing to call but are full of lovely people. Talk to someone, a friend, a friendly stranger, me. My door’s always open.

Negative Thinking and Me

It’s always surreal when a reader or a lurker from the blog comments in on an old story and mentions I’m a good writer or that my words have helped them in some way.

Somewhere along the highway I’ve become predisposed to a negative outlook and am cautious to accept any positivity coming my way lest it leads me astray.

I realise that makes me a hypocrite in a way, not taking my own mental health advice to stay positive, but isn’t that the way with some of us? So eager to help and put faith in others and reluctant to take our own advice?

Last week I caught up with an old friend who I mentored in early 2017. It was a lovely chat, the kind where you feel like nothing has changed, you simply paused the conversation. Well, I had learned that the concepts I put forth to her had stayed with her. She had taken exercises I recommended, advice I had given, and still adopts these in her life daily.

I was, admittedly, a bit taken back. As a mentor, I figured I did help others in the moment but believed I would be of no more use after they grew. And then – see – came the negative thinking – who are you to lead? Who are you to teach? What can you possibly do? Maybe this is a fluke – I jumped from the positive to a negative.

I spoke to my dad about this on the weekend, my negative thinking. He says it’s part and parcel of the human condition but that you may grow out of it. I’m 31 now and I’m still interchanging positives and negatives depending on the day. Hm.

A favourite exercise of my kitten and one that some students I have helped mentor love is writing down three positive things that happened to you in your day to day life. Maybe I should practice that myself.

It’s The Little Things

When I first decided to offer help for anyone that wanted it if they felt they could trust me, I felt for sure, like most ideas in my head, that it would be a complete disaster. That I’d fail, that I’d be perceived as a weirdo. I mean, this is the Net right? And who wants to put themselves out there to a stranger? A – in their eyes – nobody? It’s a risk. Especially if your trust has been abused before.

I still feel pretty stupid about offering up a chat sometimes, even when a reader occasionally says hello and has nothing but nice things to say about my writing. Like, what right do I have to offer help, you know? I’m just another guy on the Internet.

And then, it’s the little things that come by and warm my heart. Like a few days ago, out of the blue, I received a message on Fetlife from someone I spoke to back in 2017. Admittedly I had forgotten – it’s the curse of being forgetful. But to hear from someone that I helped, that I gave great advice, that I inspired them to find their voice and challenge their fears – it’s very moving. It brings a tear to my eye because just that means the world – knowing in some way that my words are helping. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do since my own experiences led to too many years wasted on torment and self ridicule.

I love this community, you know? This ragtag team of misfits with gentle souls, curious minds and warm spirits. It’s inspiring, not just as someone who finds it fulfilling to mentor, but as someone who might need help one day. I know I can approach someone honestly and receive advice.

Sometimes I doubt myself, doubt my words and think of just giving up writing altogether. But then something happens – it could be a blog post from a fellow writer, it could be an email from a reader, it could be a comment or a gesture of kindness in my world when I’m out shopping – life has a way of bringing back the light and providing a drive sometimes.