Balancing The Scales: On Anxiety and Giving Guidance

When it comes to helping people, there’s always this part of my mind that jumps to feeling guilty about it. And at the same time that I know why I feel guilty, I don’t really know why I know why I feel guilty.

I recognise it though, this feeling of imposing, of bugging, of intruding. I know it comes from a lack of self confidence. Which comes from my teenage years, of being soft spoken, of having a quiet voice and of doubting each word that comes out of your mouth.

I’ve been anxious before I knew what anxiety really was and could create. And maybe that’s always been with me, and IS with me as I stumble along in the dark.

I offer my help – to readers here, because of my own struggles in my journeys. But when I do so, I’m hit with a wave of questions, more noticeably one that asks – why is this so important to you?

I’ve wrote about this before, this Daddy-esque feeling, this overwhelming desire to console and guide where help or guidance is needed. And it doesn’t just stop at BDSM and the lifestyle, it extends to any issue. It extends to friends. To friends of friends. To strangers. To family.

I’ve written to my lady’s friends when I sense a troubled mind in their posts. And I can’t help it. You better believe I fight it. I don’t want to sound like I’m preying on a vulnerable time, I don’t want to sound or feel like a creep – yet I’m driven forward by this need to offer help.

I don’t offer it aggressively. Or repeatedly. I mean, I do here but that’s only because I sometimes want to reach out to new followers because I sometimes receive a private message in which the person states they’ve been working up the courage to write to me – and I don’t know why, because I’m the friendly neighbourhood teddy bear.

But I offer help gently. Once, and then I’m gone. The old me would’ve obsessed with stressing it’s okay to write to me but now I know best to leave it to the individual. They will if they want.

So: I don’t know why I feel like I’d be intruding. Maybe it’s just residual anxious thoughts best left to throw out with the trash. Maybe it’s more important – a defect in my mind? I’m all for a balance and if I have a need to help and guide, what’s on the other scale?

All I know is I can be driven by a need to help anyone either from this blog or otherwise. It’s my honour. And sometimes I feel bad about that.

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Thinking Out Loud: Looking at Mental Health, BDSM and D/s Relationships

In my time of blogging, not to mention my own existential wanderings, I’ve come to realise that there is a relationship between those into BDSM and anxiety and/or depression.

The only thing I have had trouble understanding is the answer to the question – why?

Do these two things exist because of each other? Does one lead to the other? Is it through our development, whatever leads to the makings of anxiety in our mind or biological make up, that we become drawn to BDSM and Dominant / submissive relationships?

I’m not saying that you can’t have one without the other – you obviously can – but since opening my blog and talking to the gracious souls that wish to strike up a dialogue, a recurring theme I’ve seen is that anxiety and depression are threads that weave in and out of these lives.

I don’t know why. Sometimes I like to think it’s my anxious mind that helps me be kinder to the world and to partners and to people. Is that another connective tissue or am I simply being egotistical at this point? Questions upon questions.

Maybe I’m not qualified to even answer, or to write this article. I’m a writer, not a therapist. I merely think out loud.

I don’t know what to tell someone when they ask if their interest in BDSM is linked to a trauma that occurred early in their life. I can’t say, only offering to be a sympathetic ear and to gently remind them that practicing BDSM and D/s safely should not bring about any guilt.

I don’t think we’ll get all the answers. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe, so long as things are practiced in a healthy manner, so long as the individual’s state of mind is calm and in a positive state, maybe the why isn’t as important as the how.

In the end, what’s important is finding that sweet spot of living peacefully with your demons. Of safe environments in BDSM, of living with grief. Co-existing, you know?

Make time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Remember that living with a mental illness CAN be compatible with BDSM and a D/s relationship because the physical safety and mental well-being of those involved is a key factor and can be safely explored, with or without a partner.

When I began to actively explore BDSM and a D/s relationship, I didn’t know where I could stand. I often have so many thoughts that I need to have someone who can reassure me that things are okay, that they won’t tire of my questions or run out of patience. And I found my footing! And the same can happen for you!

No matter what has happened, we can come back from being knocked down. I have to believe that we can. Even in my worst days of panic.

Three Day Quote Challenge – Day 1

So I’ve been nominated to do the THREE DAY QUOTE CHALLENGE and because I tend to quote a lot to anyone that will listen, I thought I’d indulge.

First off, thank you to CuriousClitty for giving me some prompts and to keep me active. Please check out her own blog, it’s a lovely little portal into a warm and genuine and also dirty mind!

For this challenge, I will nominate

JayEliseWrites

FindingMyWayToSolidGround

50shadesofsaved

Here’s Day One!

‘I would rather be ashes than dust!

I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.

I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.

The function of man is to live, not to exist.

I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.

I shall use my time.’ – Jack London

I like this quote because it’s a reminder for me to not settle. To not settle on the ordinary and the mundane. To not lose hopes of your dream and just settle for anything below the bar.

But more then that, it’s a reminder for me to be ME.

Even writing this blog, I feel like I’m being stupid or silly or just wasting my time (or yours) for reading. Or maybe my fantasy IS weird or wrong. But then I remember that it’s okay to think and to feel and to acknowledge these raw thoughts. That it’s okay to be who you are.

And if my thoughts can challenge your own – or even if your thought can challenge MY OWN – and a discussion starts. Whatever the case is, I want to be myself. I want to put myself out there, 100%. I want to learn and grow and be wild as I do so.

Jack London is an American author whose writing captured the very notion of the wandering mind, the allure of adventure, the romance of the wild. It’s this romanticism that drives the primal in me. That keeps me in wonderment at the world and people around us.

Wonderment

Who is the woman who walks her son home from school – dirty blonde hair, slim, dressed in a black tight singlet and even tighter grey sweat pants. The outline of a g string appearing as one foot moves in front of the other.

Where does she come from? What is on her mind? Is she aware of the outline? And if so, was it done on purpose?

The woman walks with an air of confidence – she knows. She chooses. She is ultimate. Absolute. And rightly so.

Is she a single mother? Is she raising her son with her partner? Or does she live with her mother, struggling to support herself and her child? Or is she successful and today is her favourite time of the day?

How does she laugh? How does she Cry? Where does she want to belong?

It is not our place to gawk, to wonder why, yet thoughts come. Thoughts not of objectification or gratification but of her mind, her thought, her world. Her personality.

Of which I will never know.

Dominant Writing Prompts #1: On Love

I’ve been thinking of ways to keep the blog fresh and engaging and interactive, and so the internet led me to some DOMINANT PROMPTS that I am borrowing from dominantguide.com

Before I begin, I just want to say, if you have any prompts for a question or story, let me know. I’m happy to engage to get the mind active.

Is love different in D/s relationships compared to vanilla ones?

In a way. Love can be universal but we can express it differently in a D/s relationship.

We love our partner as anyone would but it takes on different forms that are expressed through different dynamics.

Using but one example, I lick sometimes to display affection. It’s a very primal thing that is shared between my kitten and I. It’s something that comes out in certain occasions.

So I think love tends to take shape according to the individual in the dynamic and the protocol within the dynamic.

Do Dominants and submissive’s love differently?

I believe their love is connected in that it can stem from a number of ideas, among them the need to lead and a need to be led, and come together in harmony. But I think the things that they are drawn to, while equal in strength, can be different.

That appeals to me, the reasons why. That difference. Maybe it does to others as well.

Have you experienced submissives falling in love faster than Dominants?

No. In my experience I have seen both Dominant and submissive types fall in love pretty quickly.

And while I haven’t done enough research into this, I would say it really depends on the individual and their personality and view on love.

Are there different ways of love in D/s?

Oh my word! Absolutely. From the Daddy / Mummy and his / her little to the Master and Slave to the primals and their pack of pups, there are plenty of different ways of expressing love, physical or emotionally.

That’s the beautiful thing about it, I find – the idea that with someone you hold dearest, you can safely explore the deepest part of yourself without fear and judgement. And that this deepest part of yourself can take on any form is the best realisation on this journey.

The Animal Within: Discussing Pet Play

The other day I stumbled across a reddit post in which the user kindly asked if anyone could explain the appeal of pet play to him.

That sparked, within me, an idea to write about it on this here blog, for newcomers and those either curious about the kink or just shy to talk openly about it.

For those who don’t know about the kink, pet play is a type of dynamic that sees the submissive inhabit an animal to their liking and the Dominant embodies the role of their handler / owner.

What possible situations come out of this dynamic? The sky is the limit, really. But think along the lines of caging, roleplaying, leads and leashes and maybe even a heightened sense of obedience.

I’ve got to be honest with you – this sort of thing appeals to me. Why? I’m not entirely sure. Is it because I’m animalistic and primal? An animal lover? Or just someone who relishes the idea of jumping into my submissive’s mind and getting in touch with her animalistic side.

Part of the appeal is just finding I respond to this person’s animal, or idea of an animal, you know? It’s stripping away all fragments of our humanity and getting back to our core. It’s connection on an almost spiritual level.

I mean, yeah! I like the cat ears and the caging and the special bowl reserved for treats and water. I like the role play and interaction. But I think – like anything in kink and BDSM, what I’m drawn to is the interaction between two minds and the psychology of WHY we are drawn to it.

Hopefully that helps for those new to the dynamic or simply wishing to understand.

Delight and Decay

She doesn’t just slink out of her work uniform and become a piece of meat.

There is so much there to her – on the surface. Underneath.

Underneath, she is everything. Bare and exposed and yet calm, confident. Collected. Cool. Strong.

More than a temple, more than an image of the Gods, in all her power and presence, she is someone. An individual. A vessel harbouring the mind. Intelligence developed throughout the years, possessing wisdom, compassion, light and darkness. Wit and wrath, love and intoxication. Delight. Decay.

She is all of this, and much more. And she may never know.