The Dominant’s Character

When it comes to being Dominant, don’t think that you are just teaching your submissive. The universe is also teaching you. So listen up and listen well. There’s truth all around you that you can seek, you just have to know where to begin.

Part of this is disciplining yourself. To put aside Ego and think about what is all around you.

An example of this would be:

Are you aware that, on Fetlife, or otherwise, I am not sure, it is a sign of respect for some for you to contact a submissive’s Dominant before engaging with her? I’ve run into these unspoken laws a few times in my exploration of the lifestyle. It’s no biggie, I don’t challenge it. Why would I?

Here’s the thing.

I befriended someone just recently on Fetlife, someone that took a liking to my writings and my blog and wanted to write in and say hello. We swapped philosophies, wisdom, whatever and it is lovely. After a few exchanges, she invited me to add her as a friend and I thought “Hey, why not?”. I mean, I’m not on there much but at least you can stay in contact you know?

It turns out that this upset her Dominant and that he requested I apologise, even though I was invited by her to connect and he knew her and I were conversing. This man also organised a punishment for her, for not knowing simple fetlife etiquette with him.

Now, I am sure this man is a lovely bloke — this example isn’t about attacking any one person, it is about examining discipline within a Dominant’s character and looking at the difference and ultimately voicing my opinion on what I disagree with.

So let’s look at this for a moment.
Let’s start with the punishment. Each different Dominant will have his or her ideology on when it’s a good time to punish. But should a person be punished for something they didn’t know about? This is why I say to newcomers to always define the rules before engaging in a relationship. Always. Because let me tell you something, I made the mistake of punishing my kitten for something that I disagreed with and she didn’t know about it, and it shook her to her core.

She felt like she disappointed me. And this scared her so much that she was frightened to respond in the future. See, the fault was with me. I was leading her wrongly. I had to step back from my ego and realise the bigger picture. So I sat her down and we talked about it openly and honestly and I apologised profusely and we became all the more better for it as a team.

So do I disagree with the punishment? Yes. I think that’s unwise and could only lead to resentment and further miscommunication in the future.
Secondly, the whole idea that I was to apologise feels like it’s more to do with insecurity then honour because my existence was already revealed. And I am happily in a relationship. Come on, man – I’m harmless, I’m like a pug, I make weird growling noises and I like to make friends with everyone.
In the end, I apologised because I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, especially when it’s such a minuscule situation in the grand scheme of things.

But it was interesting because the whole idea of issuing an apology feels like a power trip, like a showcase of Dominance from one Dom to another because of a territory thing. And fellas, while a little protectiveness is great, we are all animals after all, it’s not necessary for you because…well, is it really you being the better person in the situation? I get possessiveness, all too well and while I share a general distrust, one would say an unhealthy distrust, for others, I don’t think that bearing your teeth is the way to go. Especially if your submissive is the one that pays for it..

This all comes back to disciplining yourself and being the master of emotions. To be in control of any given situation.

Now, of course this example can be read many different ways and people are going to see things differently. This is my interpretation on a social issue and again, most definitely is not an attack on anyone’s character, just a friendly examination.

What say you?



5 thoughts on “The Dominant’s Character

  1. I would say, live and learn. You guys were corresponding, she invited you to friend her, you assumed she had the freedom to do so from her Dom. There was no way for you to know, her actions implied it would be ok. I used to flirt and friend folks on Fet and my Dom was fine with it. And who knows, maybe she wanted to get
    Punished…? Perhaps ask a sub if her Dom gave her permission next time before friending if this little mess bothered you. I also think her Dom is being a bit petulant stomping around demanding an apology. But she is his, so say sorry and let it go.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I would agree with just apologizing and moving on. I don’t agree that you had any fault. All the blame does fall on them. If they had protocols, it was for the sub to make you aware. It was right for her to be punished if she knew the rules. It is ridiculous of him to ask you for an apology but big of you to give it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The dom made a lot of assumptions. Many, but certainly not all, dom-sub relationships include such a rule regarding online or face-to-face interactions with other doms. It’s certainly not a universal rule in the BDSM community (if it can even be said that there is a single BDSM community).

    Since it’s not a universal, there was no way that you could know that he expected you to seek permission. From what you’ve said, it’s not at all clear that she knew that permission was required. It sounds like the dom made an assumption without communicating it to his sub. If so, I think it’s entirely inappropriate for him to punish her, and I hope she spoke up about it.

    If you assuming that the person you’re talking to is subject to such a rule, that can also cause problems. Some subs find it deeply insulting to be excluded from conversations and otherwise treated as property by someone who isn’t their dom.

    It’s not your responsibility to ask if the sub needs and has permission, and there’s a risk that asking the question can come across as inappropriately patronizing. (Though yes, you could inquire delicately so you have a sense of whether shit is likely to hit the fan for you.) IF there was a rule, it was between the two of them. IF she had told you about the rule, then it would legitimately have been disrespectful – to both the sub and the dom – for you to disregard it.

    You didn’t owe him an apology, but it was a classy move to give it anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

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