Today must be reflection day.
I’ve been looking over the emails that have come my way, the emails I will be eternally grateful for, and one common element the messages all share is a sense of fear and uneasiness and it got me thinking.
When I had my first experience as a Dom, the strangest thing happened. I could feel this surge through my entire body, this…I don’t know how to even describe it. It was like a rumbling fire. Almost like butterflies, like my stomach was constantly flipping because this was it – this was the moment, the very first moment.
And I was scared, I was freaking out. Should I be enjoying this? Shouldn’t I behave like ______? Shouldn’t I respond like ______? What is this feeling within me and why it toe-curling, stomach-churningly intoxicating.
Do you know how many times I felt this and threw it away? Felt this and threw it away? Felt this and threw it away? Time and time again. Time and time again I struggled with this transformation, like a character struggling with turning into a werewolf. I was, to risk sounding pretentious, evolving and my body was ready. But my mind was fighting it. And it took me years to accept this. I would flirt with it by jumping into chat rooms but this would last a few minutes before I felt the strangest thing.
Why guilt? I don’t even know. But here’s why I am talking about this.
The common recurring message from people was guilt. That they felt ashamed, that their families might feel ashamed.
“How could they do this?” They would ask me and I would help the best way I know.
But this is the thing.
When I click my stats occasionally to make sure I am connecting with new followers, you know what I see? Visits from Pakistan, Norway, Canada, South Korea. And I wonder…I wonder how many people out there are suffering the same toe-curling, stomach churning mix of excitement, fear and guilt? How many go to write in, think they sound utterly stupid and delete the draft email? How many want to write but don’t know where to start? Well, let me tell you something – there’s no right or wrong way to write in. There’s no way to talk correctly to me or to anyone else. Be yourself. Because hey, I was right there once upon a time. I felt it then and I feel it now writing my words. And I want to give anyone that wants to write in what I didn’t have – the reassurance that you don’t have to feel guilty. Or wrong. Or afraid. Because you’re not wrong or guilty. You’re you – and that’s fucking beautiful. Do you understand? No, don’t hesitate about it. Do you understand? Scream it out, purge yourself of any fear or guilt and be yourself. If not for yourself, then for me.
And on the off chance, I am entirely delusional and no one is out there feeling that guilt and fear then…well…we can all sit back comfortably and eat our favourite snack food or whatever.