Layers

There’s something so beautiful, so special and and so satisfying about earning that right to stand above her.

To witness her bare self, the girl with the huge heart.

To peel back her layers, to caress the edges, to leave my mark….the sting on her bare ass, a reminder.

It’s not just sex, not just moans, not just marks and smacks and toys. It’s something else entirely. Ethereal. Ascension. Transcendence. Awakening.

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Three Day Quote Challenge – Day 1

So I’ve been nominated to do the THREE DAY QUOTE CHALLENGE and because I tend to quote a lot to anyone that will listen, I thought I’d indulge.

First off, thank you to CuriousClitty for giving me some prompts and to keep me active. Please check out her own blog, it’s a lovely little portal into a warm and genuine and also dirty mind!

For this challenge, I will nominate

JayEliseWrites

FindingMyWayToSolidGround

50shadesofsaved

Here’s Day One!

‘I would rather be ashes than dust!

I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.

I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.

The function of man is to live, not to exist.

I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.

I shall use my time.’ – Jack London

I like this quote because it’s a reminder for me to not settle. To not settle on the ordinary and the mundane. To not lose hopes of your dream and just settle for anything below the bar.

But more then that, it’s a reminder for me to be ME.

Even writing this blog, I feel like I’m being stupid or silly or just wasting my time (or yours) for reading. Or maybe my fantasy IS weird or wrong. But then I remember that it’s okay to think and to feel and to acknowledge these raw thoughts. That it’s okay to be who you are.

And if my thoughts can challenge your own – or even if your thought can challenge MY OWN – and a discussion starts. Whatever the case is, I want to be myself. I want to put myself out there, 100%. I want to learn and grow and be wild as I do so.

Jack London is an American author whose writing captured the very notion of the wandering mind, the allure of adventure, the romance of the wild. It’s this romanticism that drives the primal in me. That keeps me in wonderment at the world and people around us.

An Open Letter To Anyone Struggling

To Whom It May Concern,

Maybe writing this is futile. Pointless. I don’t know. But every so often, I like to leave a note to whom ever is passing by.

It’s never too late to start again. Think of it as a chapter, a new book, a part of the saga. The next entry into the book you’re writing. The movie you’re making.

Explore the fantasies that scare you, do the thing that you’ve been wrestling about. Keep a journal about your progress.

Do not be ashamed of your feelings. Do not feel stupid for asking for help. There are no stupid questions. And each one of us started at the beginning.

Know you’re going to fall. You’re going to hurt, you may even feel like things are hopeless. But you can keep going. You just need to step, one day, one moment at a time.

Remember: You do belong. You aren’t alone. You CAN do this. You DO have time. You CAN be in a successful relationship, they will accept you. You ARE NOT psychotic.

You are the captain of your own ship, the master of your own soul. And you have the strength, you might have just forgotten how to wield it.

Lastly. Know that my email is always open. I would never judge nor would I turn you away.

Indeed my life fluctuates from the ever busy to downtime, but know this: I would not ghost you, I would not ignore. I will write as soon as I am humanly able to.

You don’t need me though. You have everything you need within you. Be brave, keep your head up and remember: one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day.

Before long, you will climb that mountain and stand victorious!

TD&D

Reflections And Other Musings

Back in 2015, when I first started this blog, I wrote a post – an admittedly not-very-well-thought-out post – about punishments.

In it I rambled, as I tend to do, about discoveries, feelings and things I were exploring. One of them being that I experimented with taking my kitten’s collar away if the punishment was bad enough. I know, I know. I cringe too. I don’t know why I overlooked it. I was green. Naive. Young.

When I saw how damaging it was, how it affected her mindset, well I apologised profusely. I spiralled, as I tend to do, into a funk. A depression. I can’t help it, depression goes hand in hand with my anxiety and at the end of the day, I fucked up. Worse of all, I fucked up with such a beautiful and genuine and sweet soul.

It was an eye opener for me for many reasons. I learned what was wrong. I learned that I was being harmful, selfish even.

It’s my fault. Though I’ve been fine tuning my Dominance since I was 17-18, living with my lady and being in a 24/7 environment – a fully fledged 24/7 interaction was something I wasn’t used to. And though books and interactions helped, This was D/s on an adult level you know?

It taught me to be more mindful. To communicate. I could feel myself grow in a way, like a fog was lifting.

I’ve always been slow on the uptake but this was like someone shining a light on the topic, A Clockwork Orange-style.

We communicate openly now. Thoroughly. And though communication can sometimes be lost on a tired mind or just lost in translation, it’s that communication that irons out the wrinkle. All because I fucked up.

It’s beautiful to feel like this in a way. I mean, I still veer towards self hatred for being such a dumbass. But at the same time, coming to reason and understanding is calming.

I’m reminded of an old science fiction film, in which an extraterrestrial race looks down on humanity and comments how, even in whatever year it is, no matter how old, they’re still so young. It’s my way of trying to not feel so bad, I guess.

I still apologise for it sometimes, when anxiety holds a mirror to everything I think is negative. And she always responds kindly, which makes me feel worse. And around and around we go.

Take it from me. If you make a mistake, don’t dwell on it as I have, even in this lifestyle. Be better than that. Learn from it, understand it.

And guys? Thanks for reading and being so supportive. It means more then you know!

To Those Suffering: You Are Not Alone. You Are Not A Freak.

Browsing my Tumblr, I came across a link in my feed that featured the intriguing concept of a suicide hotline but in text, for those with anxiety when it comes to using the phone and talking.

And I was inspired to write.

When I was a teenager, I was dealing with anxiety before I even fully understood what it meant to have an anxiety disorder.

I would obsess on details, go around in circles on every minute detail, convinced I had missed the point, when in actual fact I was driving myself to madness.

My sexuality is something I’d obsessed about. I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand – I enjoyed being naked, which, coming from a household where being shirtless as a man was something my family would scoff at, meant I’d harboured ill thoughts about myself.

I had a significantly high sex drive, often indulging in the sensualities of pleasure. And on top of all that, I had started to be drawn towards the darker things, the animalistic things, and I had no idea why.

Every time I got the courage to try and talk to someone about it, either a girlfriend or via some age old chatroom, my nerves fell apart.

And who could I talk to? I had friends but then we were of an age where kink was the underlying butt of a joke – Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.

I self-harmed. I don’t know why. To make sense of it all, to feel something. I still have the scars. I still can hear the sound of my skin popping beneath the blade I used – and I’m ashamed. I cringe now. That was me? That lost, foolish guy?

This wasn’t the right way, it wasn’t who I am, but I didn’t know what way was right.

People of all ages read my blog. I’m grateful for that, I welcome that. I never thought I’d amount to much on a blog, let alone have people write in. Yet they do.

I know teenagers read my blog. I occasionally get an email from some.

I don’t judge their experiences. Or their age. We were like them once and I’ll do all I can if it means I help just one person.

But to adults and teenagers alike, let me say this: You are not alone, you are not a freak. The anxious thoughts you grapple with will pass in time, this I can promise you.

I know it will feel like nothing can ever get better, I know it’ll feel like today your life will never be the same again – but it will.

It might not be today. It might be here tomorrow. But it will fade and you will feel yourself again.

We are not mad for being sensual beings, we are not freaks. We are a select few who choose to explore the other parts of our minds that some are too scared to unlock and explore, our of fear they’ll find something they cannot accept.

If you’re worried about anyone judging you – think on this: Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. If you lose anyone if or when you reveal this other side to you, it’s on them and definitely not on you. Do you understand?

Lastly, I know I’m some guy on the Internet, on a BDSM blog about Valkyries and kink and warped Disney stories – but if ever that anxiety becomes soul crushing, if you’re friends and family seem to bear a weight down upon you, if you find yourself feeling like the world is going to end tonight, please – write to someone. Yourself, closest friend or family member, me.

As a stranger, I’m happy to help you carry the load. You’re not alone. You’re not a freak.

Valentine

It doesn’t matter if you have a partner or not, be your own Valentine. Love yourself. Instead of making your partner blush by leaving no inch of skin untouched, do something wild – do the thing you’re scared of. Walk out the backyard naked to get the clothes off the line, sign up to Fetlife, confess your feelings to your crush – remind yourself it’s okay to be single because in order to be healthy in a relationship, we first must understand to be healthy by ourself. To Davy Jones’ Locker with society’s standards! That’s boring! Embrace the present! Who’s with me?! *tears shirt*

Tell me what you did for Valentine’s! And be safe and happy and wholesome!

Don’t Talk Yourself Out of It: Depression, Anxiety & BDSM

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I have been sitting here trying to think of a way to open this little article but I’ve got nothing. Talking about mental illness, let alone addressing what it’s like to live with something like depression and anxiety is hard to convey just how destabilising it is.

 

A question I sometimes get from people who suffer from depression or anxiety is – Can I live a normal life in this BDSM Lifestyle? It’s one that always manages to hit close to home because in a heartbeat, I’m right back to my own panic, wondering the same thing, wondering if I’m broken or if I should just let my lady go because someone else can take care of her better than I could.

 

The answer to the question is: Of course you can have a normal life. It will be tough, it may be laced with paranoia but through a little bit of willpower, sunshine and determination, you can find you will have more of those better days than the ones spent crawling through the swamps.

 

A key aspect of this is communication. Not everyone understands anxiety and will find it alarming. For me – and I realise this doesn’t work for all – but there was a time where it really alarmed my girlfriend. I would explain what I needed from her in my downer times, I explained that anxiety is so powerful it is capable of convincing you of a bullshit thought.

 

In time, she came to understand, even relate. In time, we had a system worked out that made our relationship stronger.

 

A second key aspect of this is trust. This one is important because it’s like solving a complex mathematical equation. You’re going to be worried about the initial opening up – and that’s healthy to an extent. Take your time. You will know when you feel like taking that second step in trusting someone because the clear-skies part of your mind will want to act but the other part will want to freeze and find another twenty reasons why it’s a bad idea.

 

Yes, it will leave you exposed. That’s the tricky thing about trust, you have to put yourself out there and hope it pays off. If it doesn’t, you have to have something solid to remind you it’s okay, like a positive thought or a song lyric or a mantra even. Something tied to a happy memory.

 

Trust also plays its part in the beginning of your journey into BDSM, because your mind is going to want to shout any kind of obscenities your way and then tell you why it’s going to harm your mind further.

 

BDSM is largely a psychological interaction, that much is true. But you don’t need to take that step to involve a second party until you feel you are ready. How will you know when? Your heart will tell you. Trust me, there’ll be a time.

 

If you are worried that any kind of risky play will influence your depression, BDSM has plenty of safety counter measures that will stand firmly in place should you feel things are getting out of hand. If it helps to ease your mind, read about the BDSM Contract, safe words and remember that any kind of interaction can be stopped if you feel overwhelmed.

 

As a Dominant man, being assertive when struggling with anxiety and depression is tough. I feel stupid sometimes saying or doing anything to my kitten. Repetition helps, I find. The more I spoke up, the more I got used to the idea of speaking out loud.

 

Practising alone can help matters. Speaking out loud, writing what you’d say down on paper, these are all different ways that can help you grow more confident with getting used to being assertive.

 

Regardless of role in the dynamic, if your shyness factors into your anxiety, communicate is the best thing to do. You may feel embarrassed and silly but I think you’ll find if the other person truly cares, they won’t mind at all.

 

There have been plenty of times where I raised the issue of my shyness and my kitten did the same and it made things more intimate and lovely and downright beautiful.

 

Whether you are a teenager or an adult, remember that the fog will clear and you’ll pass through an anxious period. You’ve done it before, it sucks I know, but you can do it again. Be there for yourself, take your time and remember, everything will be alright.

 

As always, if you need to vent any anxieties or just ramble the hour away to ease your mind, you can reach me at darkanddominant@hotmail.com