A Dark, Sadistic Fantasy Of Mine

As a dominant, there has always been this sadistic bone in my body, this underlying aspect to my personality that delights in sheer torture, in humiliation and degradation.

One of the hottest fantasies of mine – to me – is the idea of stalking this woman from her home, kidnapping her and taking her to something abandoned industrial complex where its cold and dank and dark – and training her day in and day out to become a behaved little sex doll.

The one thing that thrills me and tickles my bones is the psychological interaction between, say, myself and this unnamed pretty little thing. I have this idea in me that I can break down, essentially, who she is – who she’s developed into.

The tastes that she has, the life that she’s built, whether she is in a relationship or married – I can work to break all that down – because….at the end of the day, we all have this spot in the back of our minds that we leave locked up, that we’re afraid of. It could be related to anything – being rude, being mean, being a sexual deviant, wanting to speak our minds but knowing better.

And I want to break that down in her. I want to…picture this – that she’s completely naked, chained by her hands to stand upright panting, sweating, begging. Picture that there’s she has some fight in her, that she will fight back to hold on to some semblance of who she was while I whip her with my belt.

You see, I want to find her limit. We can decide whether to push that limit or extend it softly later – but for now, I want to find it so I can get her to tell me EVERY. SINGLE. LITTLE. DETAIL. That her morality is locking up in the depths of her mind, either consciously or subconsciously. I want to break her down, raw and roughly and coarse, until she’s a sensitive mess of a human being, because then we get to who she is and what she wants and why.

And when she’s broken down and trembling, when every inch of her body and mind is on fire from this physical and emotional assault, then I can teach her, train her. To be obedient, to be a loving, giving, adoring Slave. No matter how long it takes. I’ve got the patience.

Why? Because minds fascinate me. I want to break down barriers, find the messy heart. I want to study what makes them tick, what darkness they have within them, what they consider light. I want to set them free.

It’s a dark fantasy in my head, a giddy rush to my cock, igniting my senses, stimulating my mind.

I Spit On Your Tits

Side note: I originally wanted an image of saliva resting over an exposed breast but I couldn’t find one. I need to make my own art. Anyhow.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think of the 1978 exploitation horror film I Spit On Your Grave when I thought of this title. And I wanted to mention this, not only because I thought of it originally but also because how it connects with my line of thinking regarding the act of spitting in a BDSM context.

I didn’t always enjoy the act of spitting. I was too shy, too nice. If part of kink and BDSM is tapping into that unbridled animal within, I wasn’t able to seperate the real me from the act.

We don’t necessarily detach from ourselves when we engage in acts do we? We just learn to become who we’ve always wanted to be – or we learn to immerse ourselves in the scene. Some of us find that confidence to pursue that interests while others enjoy the role play.

For me, a big part of it was coming to terms with the sadist within. Much later in life I would realise that my sadist side was always a Master in disguise. But for the earlier D&D Years, I was the shy guy too polite to even act on those raw instincts. Which is why I so often offer round-the-clock Mentoring or provide my email for readers. Anyway, I digress.

It took a while to grow that confidence to be able to accept those desires, to let alone try those desires in the first place. I had to hold a communion with that other side of me, the one in the dark. Dark and light needed to come together, to fuse together and co exist.

That took practice. A lot of practice. It was another case of something having to occur time and time again, like an actor in a role learning lines, only I was getting used to this new part of me.

I think it took so long because the act of spitting was an aggressive thing for me. I feel possessed even now when I do it, almost as if I’m sharing a mind with a drooling, savage creature. But when I was younger, that raw intensity scared me because it was so potent and primal and all-consuming. In times like that, after such an act, I’d sit or lay still, as if coming out of a dream.

I mentioned, in a ramble last week, about being primal – well, this was another aspect I was coming to terms with, frustrated after being so quiet and holding myself back.

If humiliation and degradation was my gateway drug into BDSM and kink, spitting was like the second tier to that act, another form of degradation that got my cock achingly hard. But much more then this, it was something that I needed to come to terms with in order to grow and to cast away the shackles.

I rather enjoy it now that I’ve grown and spent days and months on end communicating with and listening to that other half of me. Like any thing requiring balance in life, I need that savage act once in a while.

And yes, I do like to spit on her tits, to circle my saliva till her nipples harden, to call her filthy things, dreadful things, as a means to dampen, to break her spirits, so that somewhere down in the dirt, down in her mind, she becomes willing, accepting – a Slave. Absolute. It was this thought driving me, pulling me away, all those years ago. And it was the same thought that brought me back to the beginning, full circle, so that I may evolve and pursue my own slut, my own willing Slave. To become her Master, absolute.

50 Facts You May Not Know About Me!

I was inspired by another user’s post / challenge to write 50 facts you may not know about me. I hope you enjoy these!

  1. I write music and sing! I couldn’t put it into a genre – it’s me, a keyboard and my hopes, my dreams and my nightmares.
  2. You best believe I once masturbated in the bathroom of a KFC restaurant many moons ago. Was it finger licking good? You know it.
  3. My very first BDSM experience was with humiliation and degradation.
  4. I’m an avid gamer and reader and movie buff.
  5. I’m also a bit of a metalhead, though I’ve certainly softened in my later years.
  6. Oreos are an addiction to me.
  7. I will be reading several books at once, because I often start one before finishing the other – and the cycle continues.
  8. I’m a huge Disney animations fan.
  9. I will randomly sing songs from West Side Story.
  10. My first erotic story was an incestuous lesbian story.
  11. I am often incredibly tough on myself and any mistakes I’ve made in the past.
  12. I have been told my voice is calming. It has been said on multiple occasions that it makes the individual drowsy. Do with that information what you will.
  13. I kissed a girl and I liked it.
  14. I have been caught naked indoors and outdoors.
  15. I have no tattoos because I am concerned with how strange they’ll look when I am older.
  16. I rarely make a decision without obsessing over every miniscule detail first.
  17. I once edged for six hours and came intensely. And it hurt like a motherfucker for hours afterwards. The good kind of ache.
  18. I will often embarrass myself to get a laugh out of anyone. Laughter is the best.
  19. I am a Libra.
  20. Storms arouse me.
  21. A drunk man serenaded me with Pearl Jam songs on a train once. He was actually pretty good.
  22. I sleep naked each and every night, even in the winter.
  23. Speaking of Winter, it’s my least favourite season.
  24. Buffy is one of my favourite TV shows.
  25. I find the word ‘Fuck’ to be incredibly sexy to say in some situations.
  26. I relieve stress by creative endeavours – writing, reading.
  27. I saw the ghost of a little girl once. And no one believes me.
  28. I am quite forgetful sometimes and remember the most random things.
  29. I keep a dream journal for the most weird / sexiest dreams.
  30. I adore the horror genre.
  31. I love the language of Spain.
  32. Psychology, and the psychology of the things around us, fascinates me.
  33. I often like to talk, and often don’t like to talk.
  34. I mentor because I’m not so sure the universe wants me any other way.
  35. I am often up late in the day and early into the night.
  36. I don’t drink and occasionally smoke cigars.
  37. Having a friend interested in having sex with a horse is still at the top of wildest things I’ve encountered sexually.
  38. I like to dance. No style in particular, just feel the music and move my body.
  39. I don’t have a bucket list of things to achieve.
  40. I like wearing novelty t shirts.
  41. The Haunted Mansion is one of my favourite Disney rides.
  42. I like to sing Ave Maria in the shower.
  43. I like to sing anything in the shower.
  44. I often exhaust people because my mind runs quicker than my mouth and I’m jumping from topic to topic.
  45. I’m a big Clint Eastwood fan.
  46. I don’t think I could ever stop reaching out to people / helping people.
  47. I generally avoid confrontations.
  48. I do a lot of my writing of the blog at night.
  49. I’m terribly sadistic.
  50. I am currently wearing no underwear.

Layers

There’s something so beautiful, so special and and so satisfying about earning that right to stand above her.

To witness her bare self, the girl with the huge heart.

To peel back her layers, to caress the edges, to leave my mark….the sting on her bare ass, a reminder.

It’s not just sex, not just moans, not just marks and smacks and toys. It’s something else entirely. Ethereal. Ascension. Transcendence. Awakening.

Three Day Quote Challenge – Day 1

So I’ve been nominated to do the THREE DAY QUOTE CHALLENGE and because I tend to quote a lot to anyone that will listen, I thought I’d indulge.

First off, thank you to CuriousClitty for giving me some prompts and to keep me active. Please check out her own blog, it’s a lovely little portal into a warm and genuine and also dirty mind!

For this challenge, I will nominate

JayEliseWrites

FindingMyWayToSolidGround

50shadesofsaved

Here’s Day One!

‘I would rather be ashes than dust!

I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.

I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.

The function of man is to live, not to exist.

I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.

I shall use my time.’ – Jack London

I like this quote because it’s a reminder for me to not settle. To not settle on the ordinary and the mundane. To not lose hopes of your dream and just settle for anything below the bar.

But more then that, it’s a reminder for me to be ME.

Even writing this blog, I feel like I’m being stupid or silly or just wasting my time (or yours) for reading. Or maybe my fantasy IS weird or wrong. But then I remember that it’s okay to think and to feel and to acknowledge these raw thoughts. That it’s okay to be who you are.

And if my thoughts can challenge your own – or even if your thought can challenge MY OWN – and a discussion starts. Whatever the case is, I want to be myself. I want to put myself out there, 100%. I want to learn and grow and be wild as I do so.

Jack London is an American author whose writing captured the very notion of the wandering mind, the allure of adventure, the romance of the wild. It’s this romanticism that drives the primal in me. That keeps me in wonderment at the world and people around us.

An Open Letter To Anyone Struggling

To Whom It May Concern,

Maybe writing this is futile. Pointless. I don’t know. But every so often, I like to leave a note to whom ever is passing by.

It’s never too late to start again. Think of it as a chapter, a new book, a part of the saga. The next entry into the book you’re writing. The movie you’re making.

Explore the fantasies that scare you, do the thing that you’ve been wrestling about. Keep a journal about your progress.

Do not be ashamed of your feelings. Do not feel stupid for asking for help. There are no stupid questions. And each one of us started at the beginning.

Know you’re going to fall. You’re going to hurt, you may even feel like things are hopeless. But you can keep going. You just need to step, one day, one moment at a time.

Remember: You do belong. You aren’t alone. You CAN do this. You DO have time. You CAN be in a successful relationship, they will accept you. You ARE NOT psychotic.

You are the captain of your own ship, the master of your own soul. And you have the strength, you might have just forgotten how to wield it.

Lastly. Know that my email is always open. I would never judge nor would I turn you away.

Indeed my life fluctuates from the ever busy to downtime, but know this: I would not ghost you, I would not ignore. I will write as soon as I am humanly able to.

You don’t need me though. You have everything you need within you. Be brave, keep your head up and remember: one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day.

Before long, you will climb that mountain and stand victorious!

TD&D

Reflections And Other Musings

Back in 2015, when I first started this blog, I wrote a post – an admittedly not-very-well-thought-out post – about punishments.

In it I rambled, as I tend to do, about discoveries, feelings and things I were exploring. One of them being that I experimented with taking my kitten’s collar away if the punishment was bad enough. I know, I know. I cringe too. I don’t know why I overlooked it. I was green. Naive. Young.

When I saw how damaging it was, how it affected her mindset, well I apologised profusely. I spiralled, as I tend to do, into a funk. A depression. I can’t help it, depression goes hand in hand with my anxiety and at the end of the day, I fucked up. Worse of all, I fucked up with such a beautiful and genuine and sweet soul.

It was an eye opener for me for many reasons. I learned what was wrong. I learned that I was being harmful, selfish even.

It’s my fault. Though I’ve been fine tuning my Dominance since I was 17-18, living with my lady and being in a 24/7 environment – a fully fledged 24/7 interaction was something I wasn’t used to. And though books and interactions helped, This was D/s on an adult level you know?

It taught me to be more mindful. To communicate. I could feel myself grow in a way, like a fog was lifting.

I’ve always been slow on the uptake but this was like someone shining a light on the topic, A Clockwork Orange-style.

We communicate openly now. Thoroughly. And though communication can sometimes be lost on a tired mind or just lost in translation, it’s that communication that irons out the wrinkle. All because I fucked up.

It’s beautiful to feel like this in a way. I mean, I still veer towards self hatred for being such a dumbass. But at the same time, coming to reason and understanding is calming.

I’m reminded of an old science fiction film, in which an extraterrestrial race looks down on humanity and comments how, even in whatever year it is, no matter how old, they’re still so young. It’s my way of trying to not feel so bad, I guess.

I still apologise for it sometimes, when anxiety holds a mirror to everything I think is negative. And she always responds kindly, which makes me feel worse. And around and around we go.

Take it from me. If you make a mistake, don’t dwell on it as I have, even in this lifestyle. Be better than that. Learn from it, understand it.

And guys? Thanks for reading and being so supportive. It means more then you know!

To Those Suffering: You Are Not Alone. You Are Not A Freak.

Browsing my Tumblr, I came across a link in my feed that featured the intriguing concept of a suicide hotline but in text, for those with anxiety when it comes to using the phone and talking.

And I was inspired to write.

When I was a teenager, I was dealing with anxiety before I even fully understood what it meant to have an anxiety disorder.

I would obsess on details, go around in circles on every minute detail, convinced I had missed the point, when in actual fact I was driving myself to madness.

My sexuality is something I’d obsessed about. I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand – I enjoyed being naked, which, coming from a household where being shirtless as a man was something my family would scoff at, meant I’d harboured ill thoughts about myself.

I had a significantly high sex drive, often indulging in the sensualities of pleasure. And on top of all that, I had started to be drawn towards the darker things, the animalistic things, and I had no idea why.

Every time I got the courage to try and talk to someone about it, either a girlfriend or via some age old chatroom, my nerves fell apart.

And who could I talk to? I had friends but then we were of an age where kink was the underlying butt of a joke – Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.

I self-harmed. I don’t know why. To make sense of it all, to feel something. I still have the scars. I still can hear the sound of my skin popping beneath the blade I used – and I’m ashamed. I cringe now. That was me? That lost, foolish guy?

This wasn’t the right way, it wasn’t who I am, but I didn’t know what way was right.

People of all ages read my blog. I’m grateful for that, I welcome that. I never thought I’d amount to much on a blog, let alone have people write in. Yet they do.

I know teenagers read my blog. I occasionally get an email from some.

I don’t judge their experiences. Or their age. We were like them once and I’ll do all I can if it means I help just one person.

But to adults and teenagers alike, let me say this: You are not alone, you are not a freak. The anxious thoughts you grapple with will pass in time, this I can promise you.

I know it will feel like nothing can ever get better, I know it’ll feel like today your life will never be the same again – but it will.

It might not be today. It might be here tomorrow. But it will fade and you will feel yourself again.

We are not mad for being sensual beings, we are not freaks. We are a select few who choose to explore the other parts of our minds that some are too scared to unlock and explore, our of fear they’ll find something they cannot accept.

If you’re worried about anyone judging you – think on this: Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. If you lose anyone if or when you reveal this other side to you, it’s on them and definitely not on you. Do you understand?

Lastly, I know I’m some guy on the Internet, on a BDSM blog about Valkyries and kink and warped Disney stories – but if ever that anxiety becomes soul crushing, if you’re friends and family seem to bear a weight down upon you, if you find yourself feeling like the world is going to end tonight, please – write to someone. Yourself, closest friend or family member, me.

As a stranger, I’m happy to help you carry the load. You’re not alone. You’re not a freak.

Valentine

It doesn’t matter if you have a partner or not, be your own Valentine. Love yourself. Instead of making your partner blush by leaving no inch of skin untouched, do something wild – do the thing you’re scared of. Walk out the backyard naked to get the clothes off the line, sign up to Fetlife, confess your feelings to your crush – remind yourself it’s okay to be single because in order to be healthy in a relationship, we first must understand to be healthy by ourself. To Davy Jones’ Locker with society’s standards! That’s boring! Embrace the present! Who’s with me?! *tears shirt*

Tell me what you did for Valentine’s! And be safe and happy and wholesome!

Don’t Talk Yourself Out of It: Depression, Anxiety & BDSM

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I have been sitting here trying to think of a way to open this little article but I’ve got nothing. Talking about mental illness, let alone addressing what it’s like to live with something like depression and anxiety is hard to convey just how destabilising it is.

 

A question I sometimes get from people who suffer from depression or anxiety is – Can I live a normal life in this BDSM Lifestyle? It’s one that always manages to hit close to home because in a heartbeat, I’m right back to my own panic, wondering the same thing, wondering if I’m broken or if I should just let my lady go because someone else can take care of her better than I could.

 

The answer to the question is: Of course you can have a normal life. It will be tough, it may be laced with paranoia but through a little bit of willpower, sunshine and determination, you can find you will have more of those better days than the ones spent crawling through the swamps.

 

A key aspect of this is communication. Not everyone understands anxiety and will find it alarming. For me – and I realise this doesn’t work for all – but there was a time where it really alarmed my girlfriend. I would explain what I needed from her in my downer times, I explained that anxiety is so powerful it is capable of convincing you of a bullshit thought.

 

In time, she came to understand, even relate. In time, we had a system worked out that made our relationship stronger.

 

A second key aspect of this is trust. This one is important because it’s like solving a complex mathematical equation. You’re going to be worried about the initial opening up – and that’s healthy to an extent. Take your time. You will know when you feel like taking that second step in trusting someone because the clear-skies part of your mind will want to act but the other part will want to freeze and find another twenty reasons why it’s a bad idea.

 

Yes, it will leave you exposed. That’s the tricky thing about trust, you have to put yourself out there and hope it pays off. If it doesn’t, you have to have something solid to remind you it’s okay, like a positive thought or a song lyric or a mantra even. Something tied to a happy memory.

 

Trust also plays its part in the beginning of your journey into BDSM, because your mind is going to want to shout any kind of obscenities your way and then tell you why it’s going to harm your mind further.

 

BDSM is largely a psychological interaction, that much is true. But you don’t need to take that step to involve a second party until you feel you are ready. How will you know when? Your heart will tell you. Trust me, there’ll be a time.

 

If you are worried that any kind of risky play will influence your depression, BDSM has plenty of safety counter measures that will stand firmly in place should you feel things are getting out of hand. If it helps to ease your mind, read about the BDSM Contract, safe words and remember that any kind of interaction can be stopped if you feel overwhelmed.

 

As a Dominant man, being assertive when struggling with anxiety and depression is tough. I feel stupid sometimes saying or doing anything to my kitten. Repetition helps, I find. The more I spoke up, the more I got used to the idea of speaking out loud.

 

Practising alone can help matters. Speaking out loud, writing what you’d say down on paper, these are all different ways that can help you grow more confident with getting used to being assertive.

 

Regardless of role in the dynamic, if your shyness factors into your anxiety, communicate is the best thing to do. You may feel embarrassed and silly but I think you’ll find if the other person truly cares, they won’t mind at all.

 

There have been plenty of times where I raised the issue of my shyness and my kitten did the same and it made things more intimate and lovely and downright beautiful.

 

Whether you are a teenager or an adult, remember that the fog will clear and you’ll pass through an anxious period. You’ve done it before, it sucks I know, but you can do it again. Be there for yourself, take your time and remember, everything will be alright.

 

As always, if you need to vent any anxieties or just ramble the hour away to ease your mind, you can reach me at darkanddominant@hotmail.com