Man or woman, husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, friend of friends – if you’ve found your way to this blog, if you are stuck and wondering what to do next, I beseech you – listen to your heart. Take the time, find a quiet place and reflect.
Maybe you’re in a committed relationship, maybe you’re a father or a mother – you think you’ve set the table for this life and you ought to lie in the bed you made. But if you’re anything like me, it won’t leave you, these thoughts, this compulsion, it will keep coming back until it claws it’s way through your skin.
I know. I tried bottling it away – I had a natural conclusion to my story, I’d felt. I was a husband. I could be a father. I’d get the house, the white picket fence, her beautiful and unique self, her supportive family – all if I packaged away the feelings that started to bubble to the surface. That was the right thing to do, I thought. The selfless thing.
I don’t blame my wife for finding another man. The struggle to live a life that wasn’t me was starting to show it’s cracks in my skin. I was beginning to become distant. Strained.
But her decision to seperate was the push I was too cowardly to face. It led me down some dark paths where I faced some truths, some powerful in their unbridled beauty, some agonising. All of which I needed to hear. To feel. Things I needed to understand and accept – about myself, my flaws, my errors and who I was.
You see, we owe it to ourselves to listen to that dark part inside of us.
I get criticised for using the term ‘dark’ sometimes – because how can something so beautiful be dark right? I thought of rape fantasies, vulgar degradation, Pet Play so humiliating, incestuous roleplaying, fantasies so absurd I’m not even going to put them here – these were things so intoxicating that I’d wake from my dream achingly hard.
But I’d feel shame. Remorse. Guilt. Anguish.
This is why I use the term ‘dark’ – because it’s the untapped psychosexual fantasies that can scare you but are ultimately apart of you. Sometimes they can be so potent, so lucid, that it lingers in your waking day, unable to leave till you scour your body raw in the shower.
So if you’re reading this and you fall into the areas I touch upon, do something for me. Listen to the uncomfortable parts that wake you in the night. Explore the fantasy, the path, untouched, be it in your mind or down on paper in a journal. Don’t you ever feel shame for any of it, for these are a part of you. They are your humanity and no matter how dark or twisted you think they may be, there is beauty to them.
Acceptance is the first step. But it is never easy. It is hard and it can feel relentless, this resistance to it, but each day, put one foot in front of the other and keep going, keep challenging yourself healthily. You’re just waking up.