Just Write

So. I just got an email from a reader of my blog and it struck me as sad and it’s for these reasons that I want to write this piece.

If you’re going to write in to me, if you want to write in to me, there’s a couple things I, personally, want you to know and understand.

I’m not as busy as you think. I’m not running around like a headless chook, know that while I may work, I also definitely check my email daily and respond in full as soon as I can.

I don’t respond to emails to be polite to you, to what a reader described as ‘a self proclaimed fangirl’ – I respond because I want to. You must understand, I started this blog not just to share my fantasies and satisfy a part of me, I did it in case it could inspire someone as awkward as I was when I started off.

So I love hearing from people – young, old, male, female, Australian, American, Norwegian – the more the merrier. Language barriers be damned! I love conversing with people and I love talking BDSM and it’s lifestyles.

Whether you’re a fan or seeking answers or even if you a bone to pick with me about something I wrote. Grill me. I welcome all of it, criticism, friendly chatter, the like.

You’re not bothering me. At all. In all my years of blogging, in responding to the kind people that write in, I can honestly say not one email has bugged me, not one. Even if one person has a laundry list of questions, I’ll sit down and work it out with them until they’re more spent then I am. Seriously. So never ever think that YOU are the person that will be too much for me, because that just won’t be the case. Try me, I dare you!

Do you want to write but don’t know what to say? Do you feel stupid because I can talk so openly and you find it rough to? I’ve had years to process how I feel, to work to rise above my own shyness. I was the same as you in the beginning. We all start somewhere and blossom on our own time.

I will say this though – just write. Don’t worry about grammar or context or anything, just write. I honestly care not for long novel-length texts, I read every word and respond. I’ll even write a long novel-length email of my own.

Start at the beginning. Write how you feel. Find a place to start at, to get the ball rolling, and then just let it go – just write and let it loose. If it feels good, write it. If it doesn’t, write it anyway and send it.

Too many times have I read that someone wanted to write in sooner or deleted several iterations of the email they just sent – and it breaks my heart.

I know I can’t TELL people what to do. I know I can’t get people to talk as frankly as I do, but I’m writing this because I want you to know, anything you have to say, in any way, is perfectly A-OK by me and that you should not feel shame or delete what you write, because I mostly certainly want to read it. Don’t even press that delete button or I’ll slap a crop against your knuckles!

Be yourself. That’s all I ask of you. Everything else, please don’t worry. I’m not as scary as your mind makes me out to be!

TD&D

Late Night Rambles: The Submissive Teaches…

I’ve been reflecting at this ungodly hour of 3am, about where I’ve come from and where I’m going. This has been sparked from a family discussion just the other day about the fluidity of love and life and how we perceive and accept that or choose to hide from it.

And it hit me – the greatest teachers, the priceless teachers when it comes to my journey as a dominant man, have been submissive women. Which kinda makes sense but I’ll get to that in a moment – I want to ask something of the submissive readers, men or women, at the end of this ramble so either keep reading or skim to the last paragraph or something.

The beginning of my journey into becoming the dominant I am today was largely done alone by me, that much is true. I read and I..er..watched and I did my homework – but the bulk of how I truly learned to be a dominant came from my interactions with submissive women – some who were my good friends before we discovered we shared an interest in kink, some I met through Fetlife and somehow made an impression.

When I look back, I can see key moments where something was revealed to me – a piece of my personality, say, or an error I made, or how a fellow primal opened my eyes to how I was articulating this desire I struggled to identify.

Oh I fell a lot. Like an overly green and keen guy, I jumped off the waterfall without learning how to break the water below to soften the fall. In turn my actions hurt. And it was through this falling that I began and learned how to communicate – and through that I understood where I went wrong.

And communicating was easier with a woman I found. Maybe it was the all lady household I grew up in but I never really resonated too well with guys. I preferred the company of women as a teen and that’s how my adult life has been too – I have a few close guy friends and probably more close lady friends. I don’t know – who counts?

But through talking, they helped guide me and in turn this shaped the person I became today, not only for my own benefit as a human being and – later I would find – when I began to mentor actively, but it benefited my relationship with my lady, who has taught me a thing or two about myself as well.

So to the submissive I say this: don’t doubt the power of your mind or your words on someone’s mind. You can guide with grace and strength just as equally as anyone, experience has taught me.

And here comes that last paragraph I mentioned earlier —– as a blog with a dominant focus, to the submissive – men or women – I ask you – what would you like me to write about from a dominant’s perspective? Is there something you were always curious about? Perhaps it’s something to do with dominant thinking, or behaviour? Is there a process you’ve been curious about?

I’m looking for new ideas. As a writer, I want to satisfy any curiosities. I know things will come to me, as they do, but I seek a submissive’s mind for this matter. A fresh perspective. By all means, pick my brain.

Communication is Key: A Look into New D/s Relationships

I want to talk about the welfare of a submissive, from the point of view of a Dominant, because it’s something that, in my excitement as a youngin’ – or young Dominant, if you will, I missed because I was foolhardy.

Not only is it important to communicate openly, when getting to know one another, but it is also important to maintain that deep level of communication consistently along the way.

I made the mistake there, I got lost initially in my own interest or desire, without thinking of the classic concept of cause and effect and how my interests may impact my lady, my submissive, down the road.

It’s easy to type the sentence – be thorough – but it’s another thing entirely to do out loud, in person with one another. And it’s even trickier to talk about because each dynamic is different and what works and didn’t work for me might be different for the next couple.

Regardless, listen to your partner. Be attentive. But more importantly, be open. Not to his or her own interests but any ideas they may have to put onto the label table you two may eventually play on.

You could even set a time, each week say, to talk openly. Get away from the TV, the phones, the distractions – and just chat. One of my favourite things to do personally is lie down beside my lady in a darkened room and talk to her. Without gazing at a screen, miniscule or massive, the conversation tree-lines open up. There’s an intimacy there, an openness that lets us operate. It’s rather beautiful, you know? But that’s me.

It’s always important to touch base – ask each other how things are in the D/s dynamic. Is there room for improvement? Are you both satisfied? Is there any new things you want to try? Is there anything wrong with how things have been currently operating? Get thorough.

 

A Newborn Submissive

 

First and foremost, I want to address any new or curious submissive currently reading out there – but that being said, this can apply to Dominants with new submissive partners.

The first thing I will say is to be patient. Mistakes are going to be made. Dominants, do not rush in with punishing, however sexy the concept seems, but submissives, do not – I repeat – DO NOT – beat yourself up. You may feel like a loser that you made a mistake, it may feel like your life as a submissive has ended before it began – but lift that chin up, mister / miss. We’re human. We make mistakes. And guess what? Doms make mistakes as well, and trust me, we feel just as stupid when it occurs to.

So patience is the number one biggest thing to remember with new submissive partners. After all, they are learning. Guide them, teach them, be kind to them and put aside your self for the moment to shield them in your training together.

For me, I like to deconstruct every bit of information with a new submissive. There are so many classifications to fall into now that, in the beginning, it can get confusing as to where you really stand. Deconstructing terms together can prove useful, even helpful. You could even make it something special – perhaps a nude cuddle together in a low lit warm space? Something safe and guarded – a moment free of judgement.

Encouraging the identity and individuality of your submissive is paramount, as it is for a submissive to follow their hearts and realise their inner strength when navigating the world of BDSM on their own. It can be overwhelming with so many titles and behaviours of roles cris-crossing that it can be hard to identify just who you are. Remember to listen to your impulses and keep in mind that you have every right to customise dynamics and the like to your taste.

Keeping a dialogue open so that concepts can be explored or encouraged, if confidence needs boosting, is always a lovely idea. A healthy and safe environment is a beautiful thing.

I am going to stop here before I write a larger essay. I hope this sheds some light. If not, I hope I can clear some things up for anyone. Be safe and be kind!

 

Why I love strong women: In and out of roles in BDSM

50shades08_gq_23nov12_istock_b_642x390

See, the submissive woman is quite strong. There’s a vulnerability there for sure but at her core, she is strong undeterred. This is something that I’ve noticed in every submissive woman I’ve met. And it makes me respect and appreciate that individual more.

I’ve always loved strong women. In my life or in my novels and films. I look back at everything I watch and enjoy and dead set, at the centre of it all is a woman who stands tall above all else, raises her finger to the guys and always comes out on top.

Maybe that’s why I have a nurturing side to me? Maybe that’s why I find Domme’s particularly attractive.

On the latter point, it’s more than just the girl-on-girl action between a female Domme and a female submissive which, yeah – I find quite beautiful and ok, arousing – but it’s the idea of this no-nonsense talking Domme that grabs my attention. I kind of wait to sit in a room with a Domme and pick her brain. I’m not submissive by any means but what fascinates me about anyone is how they think, what drives them and why? I love absorbing people and learning about who they are. About their darkness. And that brings me back to a Domme because there’s a ferocity there. Why is it there? How did it get there? What are they afraid of and what drives them? Any Domme ladies here, see that as an invitation to email me because I’d welcome a dialogue about your life and mind.

But getting back on track – maybe my nurturing side is linked to my love for strong women. Exercises between my pet and I include building her up so that she feels more confident and embraces her inner sex goddess, which sounds cheesy but think about it: if you get to that inner core, that’s your true self right there so you might as well tap into it and embrace it.

And then there is the submissive. The strong woman that makes her choice of Dominant, that takes the punishments and then with all this, she grows beyond all this into something more. Why? Why does she submit? That immense trust and strength there is…well, staggering. I have great respect and admiration for these women, for they are putting their body and minds in the care of someone else, a mind they don’t fully know or might not fully comprehend. Beautiful.

I guess what I am trying to say is: I have a great amount of respect for the ordinary woman, for their plights and battles. Their unwavering strength is extraordinary. My mother taught me this and I love her greatly.

And then, when an already strong woman takes it upon herself to step into the world of BDSM, to learn new rules and adapt to a new environment, I am gobsmacked all over again. Wow.

You know, I could receive hundreds of emails all from readers, some following, some too shy that they stay in the shadows, and it might not be enough. Because I love hearing about everyone and I have an unquenchable thirst to learn as much as I possibly can from these people. Perhaps that’s unobtainable or unreasonable or just plain foolish. But as it is, that’s how I feel.

3bab4fe9936105612e550a780084c09c

Exploring sexuality in BDSM and D/s relationships

407399

I wanted to talk about sexuality in BDSM because it’s something that sparks a lot of confusion and controversy among certain circles.

Some folk new to the idea of BDSM might figure that the role of the Dominant is assigned to a man, just as the role of the submissive is assigned to a female. This isn’t true and it’s one of the beautiful things about BDSM and a D/s relationship.

The role can belong to any gender who possesses that mindset and traits. In fact, people can move between the two roles, which has led to some people using the label ‘switch’.

So you see, two men can be engaged in a D/s relationship, just as two women can be engaged in a D/s relationship. In other examples, the woman can be the Dominant (or ‘Domme’) and her submissive can even be a male. There’s no shame in a man stepping forth and declaring he is submissive, just as there should be no shame in a gay couple coming forth and declaring their roles and their love for each other.

I’m of a belief that it doesn’t matter who you are or what your sexual preference is, so long as you treat me with kindness, warmth and respect, I’ll do the same to you.

Another point I want to address relates to submissive men. A man might be submissive and afraid to admit it because doing so might lead others to believe he is homosexual. Yeah, that’s a possibility. It shouldn’t matter and it’s unfortunate it does but a submissive male doesn’t necessarily mean they are into the same sex. Just because you enjoy the idea of anal sex or anal pleasure does not mean you are into men. There’s nerve endings on the ass, you know? With practice, you can stimulate yourself to what I am sure would be powerful orgasms.

I feel like there is an unspoken problem there, between folk enjoying anal pleasure , even at the hands of a Dom/Domme.
That’s media, that’s society talking. Don’t define things by a narrow label – labels are for soup. Enjoy and embrace who you are, regardless of tastes. A Domme women and a submissive man may have a relationship as fruitful and powerful as any other, just as a Dominant man and a submissive man may have a beautiful and healthy relationship.

I feel there are people out there struggling with their sexuality and with their interest in BDSM and pursuing a D/s relationship when they don’t need to be worried about it at all.

If anything, look at it this way: What is sexuality? It can’t be as simple as what’s out there can it? Especially when something like BDSM and D/s relationships are challenging the concept of what it means to like this or what it means to like that? Like love, it can’t be defined, as love is different person to person.
My head’s all over the place with this and I’m not sure I am making sense. At the end of the day, don’t let media and society’s narrow views on sexuality define you. Just because you the mainstream media might be populated with straight sex and news articles and folk frown on your tastes doesn’t mean anything.

If you’re gay, be proud and happy. If you’re a submissive man, be proud of it. If you’re a lesbian, be proud and stand tall because you know what? What you want to explore is beautiful and you are on the cusp of exploring your true identity. Even if it doesn’t work out, look at this way: you tried exploring something most people are afraid to explore. You’re better than those that want to live with hate in their hearts.

Sexuality is fluid. We should be open to experiences and sensations and forget about small minded labels. That’s not who we are.

Soft_Screams_Lesbians009

Myself and Fetlife

Some of you have been asking about me and if I am on Fetlife. I am indeed. But it being a tad more personal than this here blog, I prefer to keep that separate from my ramblings. So: if you really want to find me on Fetlife, send me an email, get to know me outside of the apparently terrifying erotica that I write.

I, like many others blogging, enjoy the anonymity and won’t just throw my profile away to just anyone. It’s full of my personal ramblings, not to mention certain…photos and before I let people know where I reside in that little slice of heaven, I’d like to get to know you one on one. Make it personal. You and me – the only people in a restaurant, eating fine food and enjoying fine conversation.

As for people new to Fetlife, I just want to stress to the submissive audience that it’s quite important you be careful of False Dominants. Submission is a beautiful, wondrous gift. Never forget this. It would utterly break my heart if I knew a woman – or man – was being preyed upon. So, stay strong and confident and remember how important you are!