Lingering Thoughts On ‘Let Us Pray’

I don’t normally like to indulge on what I write, hoping that people will take pleasure in drawing their own conclusions about certain things.

However. My most recent piece of scribble – Let Us Pray, in which a teenage girl undresses while saying her prayers – has haunted me, shall we say, because there’s a lot in there for me that was interesting to explore as a writer, but maybe as interesting to the reader.

For me, I’m drawn to edgier material. When a devoutly religious character practiced self-flagellation over their own straying thoughts in a piece of entertainment I read, I’m fascinated – because there’s a richness to what they’re feeling and thinking and conflicted about that I find makes for great drama. It’s serious – but it’s underscored with biting sexuality and I, as a religious person myself and as a Dominant man, am conflicted. Because I see this sacrilege, this inflicted pain used as both a form of pleasure and pain – and I am aroused by the image and enchanted by the character as an audience member and as a writer, it’s a meaty development to unpack.

So for my story, what I wanted to explore – for the reader – was this tug-of-War of feelings – a sense that hey, this might be sick, but there’s something erotic about it that is compelling.

Of course, there’s also the alternative – that I didn’t create a rewarding pay off. If that’s the case, I will take the blame – I write vignettes that come to me, hoping that someone – even one person – likes it. But not everything is gold. Which is where I welcome feedback!

But I wanted to explore that feeling of conflict within the reader but also within myself. I mean, it’s blasphemy – but there’s something sensual about it. There’s something darkly delicious about it that compels me.

Perhaps it’s my background, that I was raised to think even the mention of blasphemy in fiction is a massive insult and betrayal of my religion. Maybe that’s partly why I’m here now, scribbling down some sort of half asses analysis on a story I wrote on a whim. I’m not sure.

But the image was too interesting, as a writer, to not flesh out, ever the slightest, for any reader to come and take away to their own world for a heartbeat.

If I’ve failed in entertaining or conveying a sense of eroticism, well, I tried. But I did enjoy the daydream, however fleeting it was.

On My Religion, Sexuality and Love

If you’re a long time reader, chances are you’ve read me touch on my catholic upbringing as a child and into my teens and how that affected my sexuality. Talking or writing about it at length, though, is something I haven’t done here – and for no real reason, I just haven’t felt it was an interesting topic to anyone but me.

I want to address that. However I will ask you to bear with me, it might get messy.

My father and mother were devout Catholics and raised me as such. I did the whole nine yards – reconciliation, monthly confessions, communion, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday’s, Stations of the cross, Sunday Mass – the whole shebang.

We were a conservative Catholic household and lived a conservative Catholic life. Even the sheer sight of me shirtless around the house would cause outcry. Playful or not, I cannot say, but I just wanted to raise this point.

When I was 12, I started to catch on about sex. My dad, when confronted with the notion, told me flatly ‘Yeah, we did!’. As an adult, my mum would tell me it was my dad’s job to address it as she did to my sisters. As an adult, my dad would tell me he never did enough for me. I wonder if he remembers that conversation.

As a 12 year old though, I was weird sexually. I’m taking masturbation in the weirdest places, I’m talking being excited that I’d have the house myself so I can be naked, I’m talking the primal masturbating in the mud in a frenzy – weird.

Thing was, I was making sense of myself. I found the pulse within myself that reacted against my catholic teachings to be naked, to be primal, to fight back against the feelings of shame – which I very well have now writing this, even though I understand how implausible those feelings are.

This reactionary behaviour paved the way for me to explore myself sexually as a teenager, which led to writing erotica and eventually to the wide world of BDSM and kink.

Looking back as I write this, sex – for me – is a battle between two minds. There’s the part of me who is relaxed and in control and vibrant and flourishing and then —- there’s the insecure part of me, questioning – constantly questioning, telling me that what I want, what I’ve always wanted, won’t be accepted. Somehow I know this to be a product of what I was taught, teaching me that to be naked, to want degradation, humiliation, is all wrong. Disgusting.

These days I have good control over the other part of my brain, though it does exist during my most intimate moments. However, during my twenties, that wasn’t the case.

I can distinctly remember feeling the rush of being in the moment, sexually and as a dominant, and then coming down from that high terrifies, not knowing what that meant, guilty because of my actions – my need to command, to dress, to be sadistic.

I thought I was in the wrong for years, with every kinky discovery bringing with it a wave of shame and a terrifying feeling that, after so long of living my life, I would have to reboot EVERYTHING I knew. This feeling, this scary realisation, led me to suppress it, at this point strengthened by the fact that I was in a relationship with a woman I loved but had zero interest in kink, D/s or BDSM.

Hell, I don’t even know now, years later, if my depression and anxiety is merely hereditary or a manifestation of my upbringing as a conservative Catholic. I can only guess and say it’s hereditary plus the upbringing PLUS my social experiences as a teenager. I didn’t have a lot of friends. I was shy. I was quiet. I still am.

What helped me, what still does – is trying to remember that my own development is important, that my happiness is important and that people like you, my dear readers, or kitten will accept me and my kinks and that it doesn’t mean I’m insane or sick or mentally ill.

These days, I’m not a practicing religious person – but I am spiritual. I live by a set of rules – to be kind to people, to love openly and accept everyone. I pray for my loves and my life and my animals but I consider my relationship between myself and God something entirely different to what’s prescribed in the bible. If that makes me agnostic or something, so be it, but I’d like to think that love is all you need and that if God exists, He – or she – would want me to be happy to my fullest extent. Outside of that, I try to be as kinky as I want 24/7. True to myself, in other words.

So was religion / being religious the catalyst for my feelings during sex? My anxiety? My development as a man? I’m not sure. I cannot say. I’m only a writer, half naked, musing to himself on a cool Monday morning.

Causality, Sexuality and Fate

If you’ve clicked on this article looking for any definite answers, you’ve arrived at the wrong place. But what led you here, right now, to this very blog? What was it about this headline that caught your eye? What led you to open this?

A simple answer would be to say that our individual development and backgrounds lead us to develop into the person we are in this very moment. But is there something more to all of this? Is there something underlying each point of our lives, arriving precisely when we need it to?

Before I move on to exhibits as examples into my mindset tonight, I should preface this by saying I’m a religious man. I was raised catholic in a conservative household – I did my communion, I attend Palm Sunday – I did the whole she-bang.

In my adult life, its complicated – I don’t attend mass, but I believe in something bigger than me. I eat meat when I’m not supposed to and I blaspheme more than I should.

I link the rituals and worshiping of some D/s practices to a religious experience, though don’t take that as meaning I believe I am a God. I’m just a guy writing a draft on his phone at 2-30am.

But I digress.

Exhibit A: Berserk, Vol. 18

In this sequence from the manga Berserk, a woman follows her fellow prostitute, in the dead of the night, to a pagan orgy. She then proceeds to punish her. The more dominant one then apologises, embracing the younger one.

It’s a twisted act and comes straight after a mind-melting sequence that’s all sorts of body horror, but therein lies the interesting aspect.

Why does it arouse me?

Okay, sure, it’s one woman spanking another. That’s the simplest explanation but it’s also the most unsatisfying one.

See, it takes a certain mind to go from horror to arousal. Those are two completely different tones. And in this sequence, even the spanking comes with a deep characterisation and a vague sense of WTF.

So what led me to Berserk, this ultra violent manga? That was it a dark fantasy and horror.

Okay, but what led me to horror? And why is it I too can shift gears from dark and disturbing to sexual arousal.

Every good horror knows how to utilise tension. There’s the build up and release and a time to catch your breath. Is this piece executing that concept or is it merely setting up a character interaction later on? I don’t know. Is it the build up of horror lead me to want a release? Or is it merely the characters in that specific setting?

Was there some kind of otherworldly force leading me to Berserk from the very beginning, events that led me to horror to fantasy to dark sexual adventures?

And why is it my individual development lead to an interest in horror? What was it that led to an interest in darker things? And did my darker things lead to my interest in kink and BDSM? I could even take this one step further —ay hello again!

And all of THAT led to this very moment, to me writing this, to me reading Berserk. To the sexual gratification.

Exhibit B: Horror Movies

Halloween and Friday the 13th popularised, if not established, this sex-and-Death aspect in slasher films.

I mean, you know about the sex-equals-Death rule. We won’t touch that. What’s the correlation between sex / nudity and creative murder sequences? And why is it sensual? I’m not talking about the murder OR the death sequences themselves. I’m talking about the lead up to it? Is it just danger? Does it fulfil some deeply primal feeling of lust? Why is one always around the other? Has it become tradition for sex to find death or is there something else?

In some cases, the movie can lead the viewer to form their own fantasy about being stalked. In this case, it is interesting to note that this can take the form of the primal / prey identification in our sexual lives.

A cynic would say – these are just slasher films featuring teens set to appeal to a teen demographic – but the idea is there. And furthermore, how many people find it arousing or are drawn to this idea that it’s appealing? Let’s watch a slasher film – there’ll be tits and death! The men have the nakedness, the women have…errr…a cute guy?

Okay. So it’s appealing to the teen male demographic? That can’t be. I am a part of horror communities where the ladies enjoy it just as much as men – my kitten included.

So where’s the link?

And furthermore, has all our lives been building to this one moment – you reading my blog, me writing this blog, you and I watching horror movies, maybe even finding the same image sensual. Why? And how many people within BDSM are horror fans? I know enjoying kink doesn’t automatically make you a horror fiend. But I do wonder if one leads to the other? And why it came to either of those leads?

For the Teens…

Occasionally a teen will write me and mention they’re scared of their own mind. Well, ladies or gentlemen – if you’re of the teenage variety and have made it this far, let me tell you – we can be attracted to darker fantastical impulses and that can be completely fine. It doesn’t mean we are going crazy, it’s not a sin or something to shy from.

As long as you practice safety first and foremost with these fantasies, you should be fine.

And if you ever think you’re in the bad, know I’m the guy aroused by fantastical pagan orgies. You’ll be fine!

In 2018, You Will Be Alright

 

The D/s dynamic.

Master. Slave. Submissive. Dominant. Switch. Primal. New. Old. Divorced. Separated. Isolated.

No matter what you’re feeling, no matter where you are in life, 2018 will be okay for you.

It’s easy though feel fear approaching the new year. What have you achieved? Where are you going? How will you get there? What plan do you have?

The thing is, through hard work and determination, through taking one step at a time – no matter if they’re baby steps – you’ll be perfectly fine. It’s an old saying but it’s something that I found when I was at the lowest in my life – things have a way of working themselves out. What that means for you, time will tell – but things tend to fall into place.

But you can’t expect things to come to you. These things take work. Time. You have to want what you’re seeking. And some days you need to challenge yourself, cauterise the negative thinking and get out of bed.

The same goes for people new to the dynamic, new to exploring where they fit into all of this – whether you’re single and looking for the right partner, whether you’re in a marriage and trying to find the right balance –

All you need is patience, love and the drive to explore and educate. You may not feel up to it every day, some days it will be tough and overwhelming and you will feel like you are about to crash, but keep pushing, keep moving. Keep thinking this is just one day, tomorrow is a new start. A fresh start.

You can achieve anything. If I can, you definitely can.

 

The healing power of BDSM 

  

It’s 10-24pm on a rather toasty Friday night and I’m lounging nude in bed.I wanted to write on my blog so right now, my phone is lit up in front of my face. All I can hear is the relaxed breathing of my pet as the lonely cricket chirps outside.
What I wanted to write to you all about is this:
BDSM has grown to become something like a religion to me. I connect to it spiritually, it guides me in life and in many ways has changed my life – for the better.
It’s not just about spanking her – or that she likes being called a whore when I come on her face. It’s not about the punishment. If anything, it’s about the love. It’s about the guidance.
I mean, yeah – It’s pretty sexual. I’m a guy with a ridiculous sex drive. I’m horny as fuck right now, I’m writing with a hard on. I’d ride my sweet honey were I not under my parents house right now and abiding by their rules. But that’s off topic – yes, sexuality plays a part. A huge part. But there’s something else there and it’s HEALED my mind.
In my mind, BDSM isn’t just about sex and bruises. It’s soulful and deep and intimate. It’s about connecting with people and finding this bond. This deep itch you both have that sets you apart from the others. It’s about finding who you are. 
Lord knows I’d worship a BDSM shrine if there was one. I’d have my pet kneel before it as I stroke her head before cleansing her with my come. That’s beautiful to me as much as it is ‘fucking hot’.
I don’t know, ladies and gents, I just feel very deeply about it.
I read this article, I’ll post it in edit later when I get to a computer. It stated BDSM is a useful practice for people with anxiety. And they’re right in my case. Being a sufferer of an anxiety disorder and rarely going a day where I don’t analyse if I’m good enough to lead (joy of irrational fear), I get this completely. Leading, teaching obedience and discipline and having this soul under your protection – it really does heal me. It helps especially the more ‘brutal’ we become – though this does not mean I take things out on her. I know my line and though I push it, I push it so with her ALWAYS in the front of my mind.
Anxiety needs an outlet, right? Well when I simply lay with her under my leash. Well, I’m calm. I’m still. It’s like everything has fallen into place. 
BDSM has probably saved my life. I’m not exaggerating. Before I decided to become a 24/7 Dominant – or that I decided to just transform into who I was meant to be, I felt like something was missing. I couldn’t pinpoint what. This lead to me becoming irritable and moody.

In the back of my mind, I knew I wanted it but in that time, I was too scared to approach my then long time partner about because having done so early in that relationship she was completely uninterested. It was a blow but I stuck to it, you know? That was what love was about. But that was toxic for me. I was unhappy. And when she decided she wanted another man and left, I was hurt and distraught. But I knew that she did what I was scared to do. And though I had pain to work through, I was also on the path to becoming Dominant. Only I didn’t know it then.
Much later, after getting to know my pet and having that love grow, I feel rested. I feel at peace. I feel, finally, happy. Anxiety will have me pacing but when my mind is clear, I’m happy. D/s relationship and BDSM are now aspects of my day and with it, I grow and learn every day. Friends and family have said I’m brighter now, more livelier. I can’t tell all of them that I whip her ass and she giggles, some won’t understand. 
So BDSM healed me. It’s changed my life. 
Anyway. Now I’m rambling. If you’ve made it this far, I just wanted to say thank you to you all. Who could I write to if it weren’t for you all? What would I do? You guys (and ladies ) are the best.
As always, I’m here for a chin wag if you need it. If I haven’t replied to an email, it’s my damned connection. So rest assured I haven’t got it so if it’s been a few days – give me three at most in case I’m busy or anxious – send again. I never ever ignore. Not the folk that go out of their way to message. Never ever. So Never hesitate, never fear! 
So from toasty Australia, goodnight, sweet dreams, let the bed bugs bite hard and torture and I look forward to hearing from you all! 
 

Religion, Sexuality and BDSM

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For some people, what I am going to talk about is going to be uncomfortable so I want to open with this: I’m using this blog as a platform for my thoughts and as such, you don’t have to agree with them. Hopefully, you can still go on to read them, maybe even have your mind changed. But these are my thoughts as I’ve lived my life and my experiences.

I was raised Catholic. I was taught BDSM and such dark thoughts weren’t proper. I come from a conservative family and should I visit my parent’s with my pet, we still have to sleep in different beds as we are not married. Though I am religious, I don’t strictly follow everything the bible tells me to. If I did, I couldn’t live an open and free life, that’s plain and simple.

But you know why this is? Because man has engineered religion that way. Now, I don’t want to spark a religion debate. Do whatever  it is that makes you happy. My belief is ancient and simple: Treat each other with kindness. Believe in God. Believe that he accepts you how you are because that is how he made you.

So, embrace who you are. Love who you are and never ever hide it.

A reader contacted me outside of my blog and expressed both her interest in being with another woman and her fear for going against her religion. Yet, that desire still remained. Perhaps I’ve been ‘unplugged’ too long, or maybe I adhere to a very loose but basic spirituality. Would God want you to be in that turmoil? I can’t answer that question and neither can anyone else but the man himself. Yet wouldn’t you think that He would want you to embrace yourself and ascend? I mean, isn’t this THE THING? Isn’t our humanity, our very life, just our time to walk to either ascension or eternal damnation? I’d like to think that the path to ascension is the one I am on, the one YOU are on. If you’re reading my blog, maybe you’re already half way there.

It angers me, you know? To find someone so afraid of taking that step, in this example – to explore their sexuality – because they were afraid of their religion, which is essentially years and years of teachings passed down from parent to child in an endless cycle of guilt and fear. Is that religion? Is  that God and love? To me, that feels like a trap. To me, I don’t stick to a lot of the bible states because I believe in my spirituality and my right to stay good and kind and just. I most certainly will mock-rape my pet but I’ll also be kind to my fellow man at the grocery store or take my time to look after my pets.

I guess what I am saying is: Be yourself. Don’t be afraid to walk that path or otherwise it will come out of you in negative ways. That I’ve learnt in my life. And doesn’t that sound counter-productive? You avoid doing what you believe is ‘negative’ and it backfires?

You were made how you are for a reason. Listen to your heart, disappear into your desires and remember to be kind. Otherwise then you really will go down the dark forest and you risk the chance of becoming repressed.

As always, my email is open 24/7. Questions, comments – if you want to, send them my way. I am always here to help and to chat. Until then, I’ll leave you with this tantalising imagery.

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