Why Do You Care So Much?! – And Other Frequently Asked Questions

As I lay in bed and enjoy winter’s gentle kiss on my bare skin, I thought I’d compile a list of frequently asked questions that come my way. It’s not a huge list I’m afraid but hopefully some might recognise themselves in these.

Why do you care so much about the people out there, newcomer or otherwise?

This is a big one that I get, and rightly so I guess. The internet can be a dodgy place and a recurring element that I’ve seen since starting the blog and offering counsel / mentoring is emotionally and physically abusive men, generally preying on women who have started to realise they’re submissive.

I care so much because I guess I see a lot of myself in people that write in to me. I can sense that trepidation and uncertainty. I mean, the world of Kink is so layered and vast that it’s terrifying. Where do you even start?

It’s partially because of my upbringing – I come from a conservative Catholic household – but also because of my insecurity, magnified by my shyness and my undiagnosed anxiety disorder. I was TERRIFIED at the prospect of, essentially, rebooting my life – finding a new place to live, finding someone who would, somehow share my sexual interests. It scared me so much that I stayed in a vanilla relationship longer than I should have.

And…I don’t want people to go through that. Not if I can help them find their voice and confidence and, at the very least, ease their anxiety or minds. I mean, even now I’ll get an email from someone who deleted several drafts before hitting send. Even now, on twitter, someone will message me and say they’ve been reading my blog for years – but haven’t said anything to me out of fear or guilt or shame – and it breaks my heart. Which is why I so often write to tell people it’s okay to write in to me.

This is a long response but another thing people ask after is my patience. The patience I have, with people asking questions – I haven’t hit a point where it’s become a nuisance. And I can’t tell you why I’m not bothered, I simply don’t feel annoyed. It’s just – I want to be available as much I can, and be this secure and helpful support.

Have you ever thought about doing a podcast?

I have, but being so shy and rambling and monotone I don’t know how entertaining I’d be. When I talk for a while, my anxiety tends to put the thought in that I’m self indulgent..or have tickets on myself – and I feel bad all on my own accord.

It’s a nice fantasy to think of having a BDSM podcast where I talk about a few things an episode – I could even have anxiety support sessions where I read a book or something – but would people enjoy it if I was the only speaker? I’m not sure.

I’d need a host that was like me – someone I could riff off and get talking. It can’t be my kitten because, a, her work and B – she is far too shy and reserved! You should’ve overheard me talking to her about voyeurism on a coffee run one day! She kept cursing me with a shy smile and flushing red.

Is being a Dominant exhausting, having to take care of so many different aspects?

Hmm, no! I mean, we take in note structure and mental well being and order – but these things become second nature with practice. And before they become second nature, they are things that you WANT to do – or at least that I WANT to do. There’s a constant drive there for me. Always…kinda like a PlayStation 4 on rest mode..it’s there in the background thinking away.

Because I want this – whether sexually or non sexually – it’s never a point of ‘ugh, gotta whip my lady now..’ It may become routine but it doesn’t become less exciting because of that fact. It’s still a constant pleasure and a thrill, to have the trust of someone. To hear their free moans and to be the one to guide them. To look them dead in the eye and hold their gaze.

The only time I can think of it being exhausting is when I’m in the midst of an anxiety storm and I lose not only will but my entire sex drive. In those moments, the last thing I want to do is be dominant.

What are your kitten’s thoughts on offering to talk to and / or mentor folk?

In the beginning, when I first wanted to do this, she had questions. I mean, even on a platonic level, talking bdsm and the like is still sexual. So that’s more than understandable. So we had a lengthy chat and I told her what I wanted to do and why, sharing how I felt and how I wanted to do something, anything, to alleviate minds and she understood.

She senses my need to share my writings and advice and opinions, though I think she’s worried that I’ll get hurt trying to help when you can’t possibly help everyone. And that’s why I try to help where I can, but not try to pry or overstep boundaries.

And something we always agreed on from the beginning was that bloglife didn’t overspill into any personal time spent together. Birthdays, brunch dates, family time together, Netflix on the couch, coffee runs – I always make time for us and never crisscross.

What do you get out of being a Mentor?

For me, there’s personal fulfilment that I’m getting, because I’m doing something I really want – and that’s helping someone, and guiding them and sometimes even seeing them grow.

I think it’s knowing that I helped in some small way that makes it worthwhile. I mean, I’ve gotten messages on Fetlife and tumblr from people I don’t know saying I was the inspiration for them to confront their own fears – and isn’t that the sweetest thing? It gives me the warm and fuzzies, honestly. I mean I’m just regular bloke from Australia, not even officially trained in counsel but I’m helping someone from the other side of the world. It’s beautiful.

I’ll stop it before things get War and Peace-levels of writing. If there’s a question you want to ask or one you feel was left out, let me know either in the comments below or at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

Remember, we all grow and bloom at different places. Don’t let others dictate your growth. Don’t define yourself by someone else’s thoughts on you – and whether you’re a long time lurker, first time reader or just want to chat all things BDSM and psychological – you are always more then welcome to write to me.

Ask A Dominant – April Q/A!

I haven’t done a Q/A on this blog since December, 2018. It’s been four months – summer has come and gone, autumn is here and how have we changed?

I always like to do one of these because they’re fun and stimulating and maybe they can reach out to someone out there, lurking and reading.

As always, if you have any questions about the dynamic or lifestyle or me or my writing, you are welcome to comment in the comments below – or email me personally at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

Here are some recent questions I’ve had come my way that I’d like to share.

What inspires your writing? An image you see, a fantasy that resides in the dark corners of your mind or something else? Do you ever write a story based on something your kitten wishes to explore?

The inspiration for my writing comes from so many different things! A dream, a line someone says to me in real life! A look kitten gives me, a nightmare I had that was vaguely sensual.

Usually inspiration comes from exploring a fantasy of mine, from tapping into my primal side and exploring the most vulnerable and raw feelings that bubble to the surface. Emotions I’m scared to confront, emotions born from a really weird fantasy that I need to capture to control.

Sometimes I like finding creating conflict in the mind of a character and seeing how I can utilise that conflict in an erotic way.

There have been a few poems and stories based on what kitten wanted to explore, indeed! A Kitten for Christmas is a recent story that I can think of off the top of my head. But you can find traces of us in stories about being primal and exploring pet play!

What’s it like for a dominant when your sub has to use the safe word? Are you disappointed? Insecure? Or is it just no big deal?

When I originally answered this question to a reader and dear friend of mine, I couldn’t think of a time in which I had to stop because kitten uttered our safe word. But that’s my memory for you – scatterbrained. I have since remembered that indeed had to stop.

And what’s it like? Well, first and foremost the safety and well-being of my lady comes first. There’s simply no question to that. If she’s not having fun, I’m not having fun.

To set the scene, we were pushing the limits of her pain threshold and we found it. I wasn’t disappointed or insecure but I was curious – and as a Dominant (and someone socially awkward at the best of times) I was faced with a bit of a challenge – I didn’t want to be a dingus and hurt her further so I took the time to comfort her

We discovered a new thing about her that day and it’s something that we know about when we play in the future!

—————-

There’s no judgement here on this blog – feel free to speak up with your wonderful voice!

End Of Year Q/A! AMA!

After two seperate encounters this week, one in which a reader wrote in mentioning they wanted to write to me but wasn’t sure how to – and the other, talking to a new submissive about the very meaning of rules and protocol in a D/s relationship, I realise just how hard it is for someone – young or old – to sort out their feelings and to understand just what it is they’ve been trying to describe.

So since I didn’t do a November Q/A or AMA and there have been a few new followers from Tumblr since it’s purging of adult content (Welcome!), I thought I’d create this space for newcomers or people who have questions to ask them here or if they choose, at my email at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

Let me be honest – I’m writing this now for two reasons – the first because I will get a message in which the author apologises profusely for bugging me or taking up my time or for writing at length – and it doesn’t bother me at all. Not one iota. So reading that I can understand, but it certainly still breaks my heart.

The second because it occurred to me (as it does at several intervals in the year) how easy it can be to get lost inside your own head in a D/s relationship, especially if you’re young and new to the lifestyle – or just don’t know who to talk to.

It can be easy to take for granted what I know – but I forget – it doesn’t come easily to someone new.

To that end, please PLEASE feel free to write as much or as little as you’d like. No email is too long, no comment is too meandering. I don’t judge on naivety or inexperience and I certainly don’t shame or think people silly for their thoughts.

I can also use any questions in a forthcoming post so that it can be informative for anyone that has an interest in that line of questioning.

October AMA + Let’s Play Twenty Questions!

Something that I did either last year or the year before and had a lot of fun with was a game of TWENTY QUESTIONS. I gave the option to anyone, follower, reader or lurker, to ask me anything they were curious about me – it could be anything BDSM related, it could be hobby related, anything that sparks their imagination and I’d do the same to them.

Some folks participated, often dropping five questions at a time before putting the next five into words, and it was a lot of fun. So for October’s little AMA, I thought I’d put it out there for regulars or newcomers to ask anything they’d like on top of the regular Q/A. Everything is on the table! Nothing is too sacred! Please don’t be shy! If a submissive or dominant in training has any questions, please do feel at home here.

On the occasion that no one wants to try their hand at it, consider this just a breezy read all the same.

1. How do you handle misbehavior in public? Do you consider discreet but immediate chastisement or do you punish later in private?

I consider discreet first and foremost, mainly because I find that a stern look without any words can be quite effective and has a way of locking my kitten into place from where she stands.

So if kitten misbehaves, I’ll shoot her a look and speak gently in a volume only we seem to hear. And if she wants to try her hand at continuing, maybe she’s feeling extra feisty, I’ll give her another warning and after that, the promise of when she gets home, she’s going to have one sore bottom – that is for certain.

2. How is the punishment responded to? What are your favorite forms of discipline to correct bad behavior?

How is the punishment responded to? Usually a sulk and, if she’s feeling a little bratty, a slight defiance – which I don’t usually react to, given I give her a warning and can’t help but love her fiery behaviour at times.

As for favourite forms of discipline? I like a good old fashioned time out – a la ‘go to your room for x amount of minutes and think on how you’ve been’. Smacking is effective because it usually accompanies my voice which is strict by the time I’m ordering her to lean across my knee.

I also like the idea of writing out a set limit of lines. Spending time in quietness, reflecting on any error, is intriguing to me as a dominant for its effect that It has on the mind. That, and I love kitten’s hand writing.

3. How do you feel about having your submissive not look you in the eye? Do you prefer the lowered gaze in submission? When would it be appropriate for the submissive to look upon you?

When I feel it’s appropriate, say if she has been naughty or overly defiant and attempts to break out of her routine, I will have her stand to attention – back straight, arms clasped, head down – but this is only in times where that situation applies.

I don’t mind eye contact, to be honest. I love looking into people’s eyes, which probably sounds weird but hey. Anyway – there will be plenty of times where I ask her to look at me, whether it’s during when we are playing together or when she knows she’s being naughty and my shift in voice and face has her frozen as our inner dominant and submissive respond to each other in that delightful natural way,

4. How do you feel when a submissive comes to you and says they have no limits? Do you test them right away? Do you try to show them the error of their ways?

Naturally I’m intrigued because there will be this sliiiight part of me, this sadistic part, that will think ‘oh really? Let us see about this…’ – but that is on a pure psychological level because right now in my life I’m starting to understand that testing endurance in different ways is intriguing to that Master in Me, you know?

So when I hear someone say this, my immediate reaction will be to take a walk through their mind and get their input on all the different things there is to talk about. Maybe there is something there to find, a delicious breaking point, and if not, then there’s definitely something to discuss.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’d show them the errors of their ways – because maybe in doing so I may have made a fool of myself in finding out they really have no limit. But I’ve definitely found pain thresholds in people who enjoy hefty amounts of pain. I’m trying to be vague here haha.

That’s it for my little Question prompts for the Halloween season. Again – please don’t let any shyness get the better of you. Come say hey! Ask me anything – it can be quite literally anything – would I rather have ten horse sized ducks or ten duck sized horses? (Ten horse sized ducks definitely!)

TMI LATE NIGHT TUESDAY! #1

What is sexy time to you?

Oh gosh. You know, I joke a lot using these words. I’ll often say to my kitten when I’m being playful or silly – something along the lines of ‘so, uh…how about after you get out of those clothes, we, uh, go have some sexy time, hm?’

So I guess it’s a silly – slightly humorous way of inciting a sexual encounter, and allllll that that might entail!

Who’s sexier – women or men?

Women, definitely. There’s a gentleness to their features that I adore. It’s in the way they express themselves – a hug or their voice or their presence. Plus, there’s something about a sharp witted, fierce and intelligent woman that I love.

How did you learn to masturbate, and how old were you when you first succeeded?

Oh gosh. How did I learn? I have no idea. Knowing me and knowing that I like to grind my cock against the bed sleepily or not as an adult, I probably did that as a pre-teen by accident and it became a thing.

Do you like taking naked photos of yourself?

I have my good and bad days. I’m certainly not the most photogenic dude but I do it sometimes to challenge that perception.

I happen to enjoy being naked so there’s an exhibitionist part of me, I just struggle sometimes with my own esteem.

What is your biggest sexual fear?

My biggest sexual fear? To falter in the moment when I am to lead. It has happened in the past. My lady had surprised me with my favourite lingerie of hers only for me to be so surprised I’ve been momentarily frozen. It’s a weird glitch in the mind that happens.

Like I’m indecisive a lot but this was different. It’s like – in this moment I doubted myself when faced with this goddess before me.

Bonus: To you, what does the ideal penis look like? (feel free to include artwork or photos).

Huh. Well, I mean. Let me look. *runs to google*

That’s the best I can think of? I mean, I’m no expert. I wouldn’t think size is too important to me. As a man, the bust size of a woman isn’t important, it’s more how wicked her mind can be. But I’m not good with the finding-dick-pictures-on-the-net

Let’s Ask Questions: 2018 Edition!

 

As it’s the start of 2018 and there are new people coming to my blog, I thought I would put out another one of these Q/A blog post / threads and give the opportunity for anyone to ask any questions, should they so desire.

Of course, if you are comfortable sending an email, you’re welcome to write to my email, even if it’s just an anxious info dump. Lord knows I do it on this here blog.

Anyway. I found an interesting question out there that I wanted to tackle:

Are Dominants possessive towards women?

Protective, yes. Possessive? I don’t think so.

It’s difficult to talk without a scenario to relate to so I’ll use my own relationship.
My lady has her own independence. She’ll go out with friends, she’ll go for drinks or stop over, whatever the case may be.
I’m not jealous of that. I have no interest in saying she cannot lead her own life, because even in a D/s relationship I think there needs to be this space for independent growth. I think that is healthy.

Keep in mind, she asks for my permission each time and am sure, if I said no I don’t like that idea, she would come home and sit by me. But as I stated above, it’s a healthy thing for her to have that time without me. We can get back to our bubble, our roles and our sex when we come together again.

Now a M/s dynamic would be a little different. I can’t say, because each person has a different opinion.
Perhaps a little possessiveness is endearing, I know my lady feels that way about me.

But if it’s unhealthy, if one person is feeling trapped and suffocating, if a Dominant becomes unreasonable and unapproachable in their possessiveness, I think perhaps it would be a good time to take a step back and reflect and digest on the situation.

That being said, don’t be shy now! The only silly question is the one not asked.

30 Days of Dominance – Day #1: Define Your Dominance


I did a 30 Days of Kink, which may or not feature a few recycled questions / answers. In the interest of the activity, I won’t look it up. I’ll just write the prompts here each day. I hope you join me on this deep dark adventure!
Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I believe my relationship with my beloved kitty Kat would fall under that of just a Dominant / submissive.
But in saying that, there are aspects within our relationships and personality that have different encounters and / or feelings. She can be a little most times, while I can be a Daddy. Definitely the owner / pet dynamic, with her taking the role as a cat specifically. She loves her scratches behind the ear like I love to give them! 
There’s changes in our moods so at any moment, there will be delicious little shifts and changes in how we communicate, play or react to one another. Whether she’ll be a brat one evening or a cat could entirely depend on the day she’s had, and vice versa for me, which is to say maybe I’ll be an owner, a Master or just myself.
This is why I shy away from definitive labels. Fluidity, I think, is an important factor, those definitions of the types that come out can certainly help a couple in how to explore and proceed accordingly.