Growing up, I’ve always felt out of place as a male.
I wasn’t really into sports (though that came later in my adult life), I mostly kept the company of women and I never seemed to inherit my dad’s love for cars, talent for building and maintaining things and so forth.
The company of women thing I can boil down to the fact that I was mostly raised by my mother and was surrounded by sisters. I had male friends throughout growing up, so much so that I was labelled ‘gay’ by a few. But it seems when I hit a certain age, women started to notice me. Suddenly I had a girlfriend. Suddenly that girlfriend liked being called a whore and suddenly I enjoyed watching her slip a pool cue into herself over webcam just a floor away from her family.
Cutting back to before all this, I used to think I was…a little off. Not effeminate, mind you. Because I obsessed over video games, Terminator 2 and frequently fantasised about female teachers. Ahem.
But I was emotional. I mean, I was EMOTIONAL. I remember breaking up with my first girlfriend and balling my eyes out and wandering into the dangerous territory of self harm.
And the thing is, the older I got – and yes, we are fast forwarding through my life – I realised that I was in touch with my emotions a lot more than my own father. Or at least, I was willing to go to places that his upbringing didn’t allow him to. Men that come from his time are hard man. You fell over, you got back up. You had a panic attack? Fuck it, you got back up. There wasn’t this contemplation that the panic attack renders you immobile and it’s a struggle to get out of bed and eat. It was: you got back up.
The reason why I’m writing all this is because I’m writing to the Dominant males. Some of you, heck, how many of you lurk in the shadows? How many of you had or HAVE no idea what you’re doing? Guys, I was right there. And this was before the internet, where friends would look weird at you and parents wouldn’t dare speak of such things. I too had to find my own way. And it took YEARS before I accepted that this beast isn’t just a part of me…it IS me. And I need to find that balance.
This might be a looooooong shot but how many guys have read my blog and felt you and I have a similar mindset? You’re not alone. You don’t have to BE ALONE. I mean, this is part and partial why I created this blog, so others didn’t have to feel alone, that they might see someone else soldiering on and feel, hopefully, a little bit cheerier about it. A little easy on their own mind.
So, please. Be kind to yourselves. Beating yourself up gets you no where. There are books, there are forums, there are places – safe environments where it’s okay to be who you are. I learned this the hard way. It took me a long time to feel that who I am and the way I was built was okay. And I’m writing this to maybe save someone else. To show that it’s okay to be different. That what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. There was never anything wrong all along.
If you need anything, just write in. The portal to my world is always open.