Communication is Key: A Look into New D/s Relationships

I want to talk about the welfare of a submissive, from the point of view of a Dominant, because it’s something that, in my excitement as a youngin’ – or young Dominant, if you will, I missed because I was foolhardy.

Not only is it important to communicate openly, when getting to know one another, but it is also important to maintain that deep level of communication consistently along the way.

I made the mistake there, I got lost initially in my own interest or desire, without thinking of the classic concept of cause and effect and how my interests may impact my lady, my submissive, down the road.

It’s easy to type the sentence – be thorough – but it’s another thing entirely to do out loud, in person with one another. And it’s even trickier to talk about because each dynamic is different and what works and didn’t work for me might be different for the next couple.

Regardless, listen to your partner. Be attentive. But more importantly, be open. Not to his or her own interests but any ideas they may have to put onto the label table you two may eventually play on.

You could even set a time, each week say, to talk openly. Get away from the TV, the phones, the distractions – and just chat. One of my favourite things to do personally is lie down beside my lady in a darkened room and talk to her. Without gazing at a screen, miniscule or massive, the conversation tree-lines open up. There’s an intimacy there, an openness that lets us operate. It’s rather beautiful, you know? But that’s me.

It’s always important to touch base – ask each other how things are in the D/s dynamic. Is there room for improvement? Are you both satisfied? Is there any new things you want to try? Is there anything wrong with how things have been currently operating? Get thorough.

 

A Newborn Submissive

 

First and foremost, I want to address any new or curious submissive currently reading out there – but that being said, this can apply to Dominants with new submissive partners.

The first thing I will say is to be patient. Mistakes are going to be made. Dominants, do not rush in with punishing, however sexy the concept seems, but submissives, do not – I repeat – DO NOT – beat yourself up. You may feel like a loser that you made a mistake, it may feel like your life as a submissive has ended before it began – but lift that chin up, mister / miss. We’re human. We make mistakes. And guess what? Doms make mistakes as well, and trust me, we feel just as stupid when it occurs to.

So patience is the number one biggest thing to remember with new submissive partners. After all, they are learning. Guide them, teach them, be kind to them and put aside your self for the moment to shield them in your training together.

For me, I like to deconstruct every bit of information with a new submissive. There are so many classifications to fall into now that, in the beginning, it can get confusing as to where you really stand. Deconstructing terms together can prove useful, even helpful. You could even make it something special – perhaps a nude cuddle together in a low lit warm space? Something safe and guarded – a moment free of judgement.

Encouraging the identity and individuality of your submissive is paramount, as it is for a submissive to follow their hearts and realise their inner strength when navigating the world of BDSM on their own. It can be overwhelming with so many titles and behaviours of roles cris-crossing that it can be hard to identify just who you are. Remember to listen to your impulses and keep in mind that you have every right to customise dynamics and the like to your taste.

Keeping a dialogue open so that concepts can be explored or encouraged, if confidence needs boosting, is always a lovely idea. A healthy and safe environment is a beautiful thing.

I am going to stop here before I write a larger essay. I hope this sheds some light. If not, I hope I can clear some things up for anyone. Be safe and be kind!

 

Don’t Talk Yourself Out of It: Depression, Anxiety & BDSM

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I have been sitting here trying to think of a way to open this little article but I’ve got nothing. Talking about mental illness, let alone addressing what it’s like to live with something like depression and anxiety is hard to convey just how destabilising it is.

 

A question I sometimes get from people who suffer from depression or anxiety is – Can I live a normal life in this BDSM Lifestyle? It’s one that always manages to hit close to home because in a heartbeat, I’m right back to my own panic, wondering the same thing, wondering if I’m broken or if I should just let my lady go because someone else can take care of her better than I could.

 

The answer to the question is: Of course you can have a normal life. It will be tough, it may be laced with paranoia but through a little bit of willpower, sunshine and determination, you can find you will have more of those better days than the ones spent crawling through the swamps.

 

A key aspect of this is communication. Not everyone understands anxiety and will find it alarming. For me – and I realise this doesn’t work for all – but there was a time where it really alarmed my girlfriend. I would explain what I needed from her in my downer times, I explained that anxiety is so powerful it is capable of convincing you of a bullshit thought.

 

In time, she came to understand, even relate. In time, we had a system worked out that made our relationship stronger.

 

A second key aspect of this is trust. This one is important because it’s like solving a complex mathematical equation. You’re going to be worried about the initial opening up – and that’s healthy to an extent. Take your time. You will know when you feel like taking that second step in trusting someone because the clear-skies part of your mind will want to act but the other part will want to freeze and find another twenty reasons why it’s a bad idea.

 

Yes, it will leave you exposed. That’s the tricky thing about trust, you have to put yourself out there and hope it pays off. If it doesn’t, you have to have something solid to remind you it’s okay, like a positive thought or a song lyric or a mantra even. Something tied to a happy memory.

 

Trust also plays its part in the beginning of your journey into BDSM, because your mind is going to want to shout any kind of obscenities your way and then tell you why it’s going to harm your mind further.

 

BDSM is largely a psychological interaction, that much is true. But you don’t need to take that step to involve a second party until you feel you are ready. How will you know when? Your heart will tell you. Trust me, there’ll be a time.

 

If you are worried that any kind of risky play will influence your depression, BDSM has plenty of safety counter measures that will stand firmly in place should you feel things are getting out of hand. If it helps to ease your mind, read about the BDSM Contract, safe words and remember that any kind of interaction can be stopped if you feel overwhelmed.

 

As a Dominant man, being assertive when struggling with anxiety and depression is tough. I feel stupid sometimes saying or doing anything to my kitten. Repetition helps, I find. The more I spoke up, the more I got used to the idea of speaking out loud.

 

Practising alone can help matters. Speaking out loud, writing what you’d say down on paper, these are all different ways that can help you grow more confident with getting used to being assertive.

 

Regardless of role in the dynamic, if your shyness factors into your anxiety, communicate is the best thing to do. You may feel embarrassed and silly but I think you’ll find if the other person truly cares, they won’t mind at all.

 

There have been plenty of times where I raised the issue of my shyness and my kitten did the same and it made things more intimate and lovely and downright beautiful.

 

Whether you are a teenager or an adult, remember that the fog will clear and you’ll pass through an anxious period. You’ve done it before, it sucks I know, but you can do it again. Be there for yourself, take your time and remember, everything will be alright.

 

As always, if you need to vent any anxieties or just ramble the hour away to ease your mind, you can reach me at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

 

 

 

This Is Where The Journey Begins

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Consider this an extension of one of my earlier entries, The First Steps Into The NightI like to talk and I often repeat things so be kind, let me know if I am retreading old material. I just like to write.

Stepping into this world can be quite daunting. Where do you even begin? How do you act? How do you even establish rules? Is what I’m thinking too much? Will my partner and I ever be on the same page? THIS ALL SEEMS SO OVERWHELMING.

Stop. Breathe. Relax.

If you are new to this, consider this analogy: The world of BDSM is like slowly getting into a pool: it might be cold but take one step at a time because when you’re in there, it’s actually warm and inviting and you won’t want to get out.

What you need to remember is that there’s so much to this world but what what works for others might not work for you so experiment. If you like choking, try it. If you like being flogged, try it. Open the doors and dip the toe into the pool and the ideas will flow. Better yet, Don’t. BE. AFRAID. You’ll have a lot of emotions swirling around you, you might feel like a sicko but you’re healthy, this I swear to you.

My first advice to you would be to consider to what extent are you interested in BDSM?  Do you just want this during sex in the bedroom? Or does this extend to a D/s relationship? Let me explain a little: BDSM is the sexual activity, the D/s relationship is something else entirely – something that can be entirely non sexual and feature interactions between a Dominant and a submissive. If your interest is in the former, research what acts you want to incorporate and for the love of God, practice safety. Always practice safety. This extends to caring for the emotional well being as well.

If you’re thinking you want certain aspects outside of the bedroom, you may find you are seeking a D/s relationship. Whether you lead or follow, a D/s relationship is about love, respect and taking care of each other. The way it works for others may not be the way it works for you, so bend it to how you see fit.

A book I found extremely useful is this — Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns. It’s a phenomenal book that details everything you might be wondering about, complete with tutorials on binding, safety in BDSM, and what makes up a D/s relationship. Consider this book if you want to try things in the bedroom or if you find yourself tumbling deeper into the rabbit hole though. This is for the folk that want to go deeper, warts and all. For the other folk, start off light.

Remember to communicate at every turn. You and your partner need to discuss what works for the both of you. At every turn. Whether it be about talking dirty, whether it be about blindfolds or whether it be about dark fantasies. Communicate at every turn and be honest.

Don’t think about what the media is portraying to you. Read my post BDSM and Fifty Shades of Grey for more on this. Christian Grey shouldn’t be your idea of a Dominant. That man is guy with a few screws loose that happens to like blindfolding and teasing the fuck out of his submissive with little to no regard. The world goes deeper than that – it’s more tender and loving. Don’t set out to capture what the movies tell you, research with your partner and look at some raw and real evidence. They are way more sexier.

Know your limits. Physical and emotional. Explore them with your partner but make sure you are not being exploited in any way, shape or form. Be careful about this one. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page by discussing to what extent you like what you two are about to do. Your mental well being is just as important as everything else.

Of course, the beauty of an opinion is that everyone has different methods – so I encourage newcomers to look through the world and make up their own mind about what approach best suits them. The key ingredient here, though, is never. Ever. SETTLE. I mean it, man. Knock the hell off will you? Pursue your desires and hopes and fantasies into the uncomforted zone. If that leads away from your partner, as in, he/she isn’t interested in what you want to achieve and the end result is that this is nagging at you in the dead of the night, then maybe that’s an uncomfortable truth you have to face. But don’t you dare settle. Some people spend a great deal of their life settling before they gain the courage. Be courageous, I believe in you.

Look, if you are daunted by the process, tap into your strength, don’t be afraid and give into your darkness. You might find you are in for one hell of a ride.