30 Days of Kink: Day #13 – In Which I Attempt to Explain Why Kink Appeals to Me

Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Oof! How much time have you got to read? Ask anyone you know that has written to me personally about how I can ramble about any given topic to anyone that will listen. Which, now that I write that down, doesn’t sound too inviting. Hmm.

What is the appeal of kink? I think I’ve always been drawn to psychology in some way. I’ve always wanted to study it at university but chickened out because I felt I wasn’t smart enough to get by in that regard.

The reason why I bring up psychology is because the idea of peeling back minds and getting to the heart of the matter, the psyche of someone, of knowing someone on a very intimate level is very stimulating to me in many ways.

And so the idea of bearing my soul, of exploring these fantasies I felt were too tough and gritty and off, with someone who felt the same way about their own minds, was a beautiful thought. It spoke to my meaning of life for me because it was very much about coming to terms with my own humanity.

For the longest time I’ve been trying to decipher how I feel and what that means – not only for myself but, like, at all. For this life. So to let go off all of that worry and become almost symbiotic with someone else – it was liberating. To explore the far reaches of your mind without judgement and explore our humanity and what it means to like these things and why, that is all soulful and gorgeous to me in ways I could never succinctly express.

As for why I’m drawn to all this beyond that reasoning? I’m not sure I know exactly why. I know I like the allure of dark things – I’m drawn to gothic eroticism for example, for how it can deftly juggle both aspects and create a satisfying pull between them.

I don’t know why I feel the need to want to practice 24/7 D/s – or why I feel compelled to such ideas as ownership and sadism. I just know that without them, I’m not really who I am anymore. I’m prone to mood swings and depersonalisation and depression because there’s no outlet or anything you know? There’s no way to circumvent.

30 Days of Kink – Day #5: My First Kinky Experience

What was you first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t yet had that first time write about what you hope to have happen.

My first kinky sexual experience? Gosh. I would have to say that it was during my teenage years when I would masturbate in strange places. I did a lot of strange shit as a kid, from masturbating in a KFC, grinding my cock into the carpet of a bedroom so I feel that rough burn, I’ve tasted my own come as a teenager.

I can’t quite remember my first sexual kinky experience, as nothing fucks you harder than time, but I do know that I experimented with sight and sound and sensation. Even masturbating with the vibrations from a gaming controller. I played a lot with masturbating in a bath, you see, or out in the rain, or swimming naked.

But! If we really want to talk ab actual non-singular physical sexual experience, I guess that would be letting a play partner see that primal side of myself unabashedly. Just straight up – no false pretences, no bullshit, none of this falsely polite talk and reserved feelings that can come out – just her and I communicating our deepest darkest fantasies with one another in a cosy little space away from the rest of the world. That was erotic on a very deep psychological level because it was about realising there was power in my voice and eyes more then I knew. More than I could even control.

Yes, I think if we want to talk the moments that blew my mind, it was from realising, somehow I’m still unsure about, that my voice and my words alone had the power to cause this play partner to orgasm. Just hearing the utter confusion ripple through her wavering voice – ‘what the shit? This is…insane’ – just that breathlessness from someone was a very psychological, very powerful moment.

It was a step in understanding that there was power in me, as silly as that might sound. Dormant power right? Things I didn’t know about my self or how I behaved that could bubble to the surface. Small attributes that could effect my partner in a big way.

Ask Me Anything! September Edition

Hi! I didn’t do an August AMA so this is a bigger one for September.

I noticed there’s a surge in visitations from Germany and Sweden – come say hello! Everyone is welcome here.

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Who “teaches”? Take, for example, the submissive is more experienced than the dominant. Can the sub teach from the bottom?  Should the dom look to other doms? Perhaps finding a mentor or start at the bottom?

I believe all three – Dominant, submissive and Mentor – can definitely teach and can definitely provide useful insight into the Dominant mindset from different perspectives but if it’s a question whose roots lie in the psychology behind Dominance, another Dominant could help a newbie identify thoughts and feelings – at least that’s how it was from me.

That being said, I know that my lady – my kitten – taught me a lot from the ‘bottom’, mainly encouraged me to push past insecurities and shyness. Through our interactions I also learned how not to behave as a Dominant and how to delicately balance that side with my side out of the bedroom.

She taught me – and my time with her has taught me – how to respond to her body. What’s the right pressure to pinch, to choke – how hard can you slap, how to control the slap – how hard I can bite her nipple before it’s more about discomfort – and when to cross that threshold of discomfort if she’s out of line.

I think a Mentor is definitely useful but that entirely depends on the individual. Some prefer to learn from the community where as some prefer the one-on-one dynamic that mentoring can bring.

It has been thought that mentoring is obsolete in this day and age of the internet but from across reddit or whisper or Fetlife, I find that it goes either way. Some people are happy to ask groups where as there are those hurting in the shadows that might reach out – it all depends on how the individual feels.

For the couples with a busy routine in life, how can you do small things to acknowledge their D/s relationship?

For me, I find that rules and protocol in regards to tasks can help alleviate the monotony of work and that horrid feeling of separation from your Dominant / submissive life.

For example, each and every I have my kitten send me a hello text and picture of her work outfit for the day. A couple could take this further, setting a time to recite their mantra – or the submissive’s mantra – at breakfast and lunch, to help strengthen his or her mind on a rainy day, or to remind them of their existence in their relationship and their world and how important that is for the two of them.

Beyond that, you can get a bit cheeky too right? Think hidden sex toys, vibrating panties, a cheeky nude photo in the toilets at work – that’s one for the extra daring – these can all help to recharge the mind and have a bit of fun.

If the busy work times can extend to after hours, think about ways in which you can implement focus at home – meditation, a mantra for the self when you’re away from your partner. If you know one or the other is going to be busy before hand, arrange for the completion of a task to keep the mind occupied while this occurs so that afterwards you can come together and share the experience. Maybe this task is a fun assignment like masturbating in the bath, maybe it’s a written assignment, research into a topic of the dominant’s choice with a set word count. Be creative!

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If you’ve got a question to ask, whether you’re new to the blog, new to the lifestyle or just a casual reader, feel free to ask below or in an email.

Everyone is welcome! There are no stupid questions! Please don’t type out a response and delete it – there is zero judgement here regardless of tastes or background! You have nothing to fear, I promise.

To Any Readers Wanting To Email Me But Are Terrified To…

If you were to go on a reading binge back through my blog, you would find several instances where I talk about wanting to write in to me but feeling fearful, embarrassed, guilty, weird, insane, anxious – you name it.

It comes from a place of good intention. I might receive an email from a reader beginning with “I’ve started this email several times and even now I am fighting on hitting send” and so I become inspired to write a gentle reminder to any reader, vocal or lurker, that reads me often.

To those readers, vocal or lurking, let me say this:

When it comes to your background, I won’t judge. When it comes to your age or sex, I don’t judge. With any kink you have, any troubles you have – anything you feel like sharing, you must understand that there will be no ridicule on my behalf. If you were writing to me, I’d be honoured in the first place.

If you’re a teenager, I won’t judge – this one, I feel, can be very important as its an age where you want to ask questions but feel an adult crowd will look down on you for ‘being a teen’ or, worst case scenario, refuse to talk to you because of the age gap. I got this one a lot myself in my own journey and so, as an adult, I want to open myself to any teen that has questions, male or female. You don’t have to walk this path alone.

If you’re a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife or a couple writing in together, I don’t judge what it is you want or looking for or asking about. If I can help, I’ll gladly listen and help out.

I don’t mind if your email is messy or unfocused or rambling, I really don’t. I mean, just look at my blog – the unfocused heartfelt articles, the late night ramblings, and the anxiety-fuelled poetry – IT’S OKAY to be messy. If you really want to write but are struggling, do me a favour – just write and try not to edit yourself. Say hello; tell me what brings you here. If you have a question and that needs to establish background, by all means – do so. We’re human, we’re not perfect. It doesn’t have to be perfectly edited.

As well as that, if English isn’t your first language, it doesn’t have to perfectly structured either. I’ve had a few French people write in, which is a lovely and surreal experience, knowing my words have reached around the world.

No matter who you are or what your story is, I promise I won’t laugh or ridicule or judge or shoo you away. The way I see it, as soon as you open up email or begin to write or hit send, that’s a safe place to say how you feel, free of ridicule or laughter or judgement. At least that’s my intention and my hopes.

Lastly, let me be clear – Please please PLEASE don’t feel obligated to email me in any circumstance because of this. My goal here is not to goad you into writing, it’s only to reassure anyone doubting themselves should they be on the fence of things. Remember, we’re all in this together and I only want to do my part to help should you feel I am worthy of your time.

 

 

 

 

Me, Nudity & Mental Health

The other day I saw a scene in a tv show in which a child, maybe 13 at most, sitting in the bathroom talking animatedly to his mother while she bathed and it got me thinking.

I never had that open relationship with nudity in my family. Even being shirtless in the present makes my family seem to cringe – and it’s weird to me.

Did this lead to an unhealthy view point on nudity? I don’t recall any old world biblical lessons on keeping my clothes on, but I don’t remember a whole lot of discussion about freedom on the subject either.

I felt being nude was wrong, even in the privacy of my bedroom. I felt swimming naked was wrong, running in the woods naked was wrong – but I did it anyway, was drawn to it – not because of the wrongness I feel but because I merely wanted to.

I feel a bit blah about my body now, but that’s age catching up to me. That’s my lifestyle. I still wander my home naked and I encourage my lady to as well.

What would my life or mindset be like if I was exposed to nudity, or a more liberated lifestyle by my parents?

I’d like to think that if I had children – and don’t sentences like these go down well with actual parents! – I’d be less restrictive with my children to a certain extent and age.

A recurring aspect in this community I have found is a link between low self esteem and discomfort being nude at all. Is this a case of upbringing or the things I experience as I’ve gotten older – age catching up to us?

As a Mentor, I’ve helped some grow a bit more confident in their naked bodies and for that I am glad. Focusing on the positive is a wonderful thing and can bring up about a delightful lightness.

I’ll never know the answers to any of the questions I’ve asked in this ramble. I suppose that’s another one of life’s unsolved mysteries. And that’s okay, each day I’m naked as a way to live freely and lightly and I’ll forever remind anyone struggling with their own worth to do the same.

Frequently Asked Questions About A Mentor & Mentoring

What exactly IS a BDSM Mentor?

A Mentor can either be a Dominant or submissive who has been in the lifestyle for quite some time. Their role is to act like a friend first and a guidance counsellor second, listening to the pupil / student, answering any questions they have and recommending valuable resources that pertain to their interests. The period of time that they help the individual depends solely on the individual themselves.

I will note that Trust is very, very important to build and to have between the individual and the Mentor, for there can be types out there that use Mentoring as a guise to prey on those who really don’t know BDSM and it’s intricate dynamics and can end up falling victim to this.

Remember – watch for red flags, take your time and do not be rushed. Make sure their agenda lines up with your own, that your well-being is in their best interests. If it’s a Mentor you’re looking for, ask yourself this – could you get along with this person outside of BDSM talk?

Is a Mentor a sexual or romantic role?

No, absolutely not. While the topics discussed may be sexual in nature, I feel the Mentor’s role is to instruct and to guide and discuss.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant mentor?

This one depends entirely on the individual. Some would feel they benefit more from someone in the same dynamic, while others feel someone in the opposite dynamic could shed a light on unforeseen ground. That comes down to personal taste.

There is the argument that the individual would benefit learning from the community as a whole. I mean, I did that myself, spending my own time reading and learning, so I can’t argue against that – Why would I? But on the other hand, a newbie learning one-on-one with a mentor gives him or her the chance to discuss topics without other minds expressing themselves and potentially leading to confusion or overwhelming the individual.

Again, it’s really a matter of preference and what’s more comfortable for the individual.

What exactly do YOU do as a Mentor?

I like to just be a friend and listen, first and foremost. I think that’s the most important thing, to be there.

In the past, I would encourage sending an email to my blog address, and if they felt comfortable doing so after befriending one another, to talk on a platform of Instant Messaging, for any direct line.

I say ‘in the past’ because I’ve stopped being as active in offering help presently – purely because I don’t want to annoy. And I don’t want to cross any boundaries if the individual is married or in a relationship. I don’t want to interfere or influence, merely help on the individuals terms.

But beyond that, I offer advice, I suggest activities such as meditation and journaling as a way of self-healing. I have had one individual ask me for help in getting them motivated in their daily life – small self-help and healthy living things like that.

I answer questions best I can, quell anxieties about their own ideas / feelings, squash misconceptions, offer activities I used for my own anxieties and journey. And be a back up, go-to friendly ear.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

I’ve mostly had positive experiences in Mentoring and have even made a couple of good friends that have kept in touch and update me about their lives and their relationships and their own progress. This is the most rewarding thing I feel – knowing, in some way, maybe small, maybe more then that, that I’ve helped somehow.

I have had a negative experience too, last year. I came into contact with one person who only wanted to argue bitterly and he saw me as a focus point for that anger. I tried to get to the bottom of that anger but in the end, I had to cut contact. And being the sensitive person I am, that shook me quite a bit.

How does your lady / kitten feel about you Mentoring?

Before I started offering to help to anyone on the blog, I told her exactly what it was and what I hoped to do and why it was that I felt compelled to do so. I received her loving support. And If she was uncomfortable with any of it, I wouldn’t do it at all.

It can be a daunting thing, to journey into the world of BDSM. You may be worried you’ll fall into the pond when you just want to dip your toe. Just know you’re not alone in the journey – there are resources there within your reach. There are communities there full of the loveliest people that will help you as kindly as they helped me.

When it comes to seeking help, measure your options. Find what works best for you. Take your time on deciding if you want to work one on one or with the community – and most of all, be safe!

If you have any further questions, let me know and I can add this to the list – and if you ever need individual help, I’m always a message away! Good luck.

Cherish Her

Earn her respect.

Earn her trust.

Realise that she is not just a body meant to be offered up for your own fulfilment but that she has a heart, and she has a mind. Any imperfections are beautiful in their own right.

Furthermore, she chooses to give her mind, body and heart to you. YOU. Do you understand how important that is? How mind-blowing that is?

It’s not as simple as the leader at works becoming a willing slave behind closed doors. It’s not as simple as seeing what underwear she chooses to wear, or the way she feels against you.

Something so guarded and sacred and raw is being shared. This communion, this dark communion, is all for you, a gift from her mind. Either absolute or as much as she can give to you at this point in time.

Do not scold her when she falls, fails or forgets. Be a friend. A mentor.

Remind her gently. Teach her. Teach her for as long as it takes, give her as much as you can and forever be patient.

You are blessed, for she has her trust in you. She has let you into her inner world, something she maybe has fought to restore for years, something she has been challenging herself to do, something she might feel shame about.

Cherish her raw persona. Nurture it. Encourage her in her own life, in her own experiences, to seek what she truly wants, to be the best she wants for herself. Hold her when she falls and carry her dreams when she wavers.

I am in awe of those who submit. I am in awe of the teenager setting out for the first time, some I’ve had the distinct pleasure of crossing paths with, a wife putting her heart on the line to her husband, a mother putting aside her fears to explore for her own, the women hurt by their lovers, bravely trying again.

We Belong

I was always afraid I’d never fit in, you know? I’d say that’s a bit of social anxiety, maybe just casual worry – but I’ve always been an odd sort. I have a dry sense of humour, I use my words weirdly and my quietness seems to go either way, confusing folks or intriguing folks.

I’ve had many encounters over my life where people would call me strange, either in humour or in downright rejection. It’s created this perception in me that I’m an acquired taste, which I realise happens to everyone and that would mean everyone’s an acquired taste, but I still sometimes take it to mean I’m being singled out, that I am just, plainly put, really fucking weird.

On my good days, I embrace this. It is what it is – and those that stick by me are the ones that the universe meant to be for me. On my bad days, I slip into reflective shitty mode where I doubt myself – doubt, the mind killer.

My interest in BDSM complicated this at first. It gave me more things to question – to doubt. I started to feel like even more of an outcast, wondering where I belong.

BDSM eventually wound up healing me too. In fact, I would say it strengthened me. My interest in it, in D/s dynamics, forced me to look at myself, to sit down with myself and accept all the different parts of myself and eventually got them all to agree to fuse back together with me, the original.

The thing is, ladies and gents, no matter how strange you may seem to yourself, I can promise you the reality is vastly different. You do belong, you will be accepted, you have it in you to fuse together like I eventually did.

Don’t let the fear of being different pull you from your life – embrace it. Because lemme tell you something, it’s a thing of beauty to be different, to view the world in a different lens, to challenge yourself where others don’t, to walk the untrodden trail, to ask the questions others might not.

More importantly, what is normal anyway? It’s relative. It’s different, person to person. Find the things that make you happy and never look back to the crowd.

We Are The Masters Of Our Own Fate

I was cleaning my MacBook and I stumbled across some old text messages that dated back before my relationship with my lady (Thanks, iMessage!) and one of the files was from a Fetlifer I befriended on my travels before losing contact – and something she expressed to me, which has since struck a chord again here in the future, was her pull of submission towards her ex, who, for whatever reason – maybe he was manipulating her, maybe he himself was trapped in that comforting yet vicious cycle, maybe they were working things out – felt that same animalistic pull.

Now I don’t want to seem like I’m focusing on the negative here, but something I have come to read a lot of, and occasionally sense first hand in relationships, some right before my eyes, is this dysfunctional relationship between a submissive and a dominant.

It could be a conscious thing. I have heard many stories of men, thinking they understand Dominance, abuse the power with malicious intent. I’ve heard of submissive women feeling trapped, either in their marriage to a controlling man or maybe they’re feeling different in a irreparable way, maybe it’s a man, stuck on how to express his feelings, either to his wife, or about his own sexuality, maybe he is unable to proceed with his dominance because the progress eludes him – the variables are endless.

The thing is…we are the captains of our own ship. We are the masters of our fate. Today may be a shit day but tomorrow may be better, if not a step towards being better. Something that people don’t realise, I certainly forget often, is — you’re in this for the long game. Progress takes time. You’ve got to fight like hell even when you feel you’re already there.

For submissive folk, don’t you ever feel weak. Realising you’re submissive takes great courage. Tapping into that submission takes great bravery. Exploring the aspirations of a submissive and it’s dynamic qualities takes tremendous strength.

Always remember that submission isn’t just simply obeying a dominant persona. It’s choosing a dominant persona. It’s granting access to your heart and mind. That takes guts, that takes a certain fearlessness. You should be proud of yourself.

For Dominant folk, remember that being dominant is so much more than protocol and order and sexual gratification, it’s love and trust and harnessing your mind – not just yourselves but the mind of your submissive. It’s about being tender, about being attentive and it’s about care. Here and now and in the future.

And if Dominance and submission is a one night thing, see it has tender and care and harnessing minds for that brief period. There’s still a moment that takes patience and respect into equation.

More importantly, and I speak to both dominants and submissives, don’t let someone walk over you. Don’t let someone boss you around. Don’t let your current situation, of destructive or helpless, put you down – because you can strive for a better future in which all is harmonious. And you can achieve that. It’ll take time, you may need to reboot your life, but you will survive so long as you believe in a positive future and in yourself.

You’ve got this.

From Australia, With Love…

I’m sorry about this title. It seems a little cheesy but I felt all huggy bear all of a sudden.

This week I’ve challenged myself by trying to put something out on more of a regular basis than my usual schedule. Right now I’m not entirely sure if I’m flooding the blog or making it more entertaining, but seeing as it’s 1:54am here in the frozen winterland that is Melbourne, Australia in Winter, I wanted to kick off Friday with a little note.

Each of us are stronger than we know. We are more courageous than we know, more capable than we know, more resilient than we know.

We may sometimes think we can’t achieve that dream, that we can’t overcome that obstacle – that our life is doomed to live comfortably in some sort of strange settlement we’ve built for ourselves. But we’re wrong.

In my time writing this blog, you know what I’ve seen? Nothing but strong individuals. Men willing to combat this misconception that sensitive men are sissies, women that are braving new lives in order to achieve their dreams – humans exploring, experimenting with concepts that they thought were just dreams out of reach.

Anxiety might be kicking your butt, your life might be coasting in ways you can’t avoid just now, but with any sort of darkness there is light and ladies and gentlemen, that light will find you and cast its warmth upon you – you just have to head through the haunted woods before reaching the sun drenched fields.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not worth it, don’t ever think you can’t achieve your goals. Don’t think you don’t have what it takes to endure, that this is the end, because the curtain hasn’t dropped till the lights are out and lemme tell you, this isn’t the end of your story yet. You have the strength, the courage, to steer the ship, to fight back. To live, not exist.

It’s not going to be easy. Nothing is going to be handed to you on velvet pillows. You’re going to cry, you’re going to scream, but you’re going to be okay. You’re going to be right where you want to be one day.

If you’re feeling low, if you’re feeling depressed or suicidal or lost or anxious, it IS okay to email me. It IS okay to unload. There is no judgement from my behalf, not on your life or your feelings or any kinks. I just want you to know that you don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to feel alone. My email is open if things ever get too tough or hard to navigate.

Be kind to yourself, ladies and gents, and be kind to each other.