What exactly IS a BDSM Mentor?
A Mentor can either be a Dominant or submissive who has been in the lifestyle for quite some time. Their role is to act like a friend first and a guidance counsellor second, listening to the pupil / student, answering any questions they have and recommending valuable resources that pertain to their interests. The period of time that they help the individual depends solely on the individual themselves.
I will note that Trust is very, very important to build and to have between the individual and the Mentor, for there can be types out there that use Mentoring as a guise to prey on those who really don’t know BDSM and it’s intricate dynamics and can end up falling victim to this.
Remember – watch for red flags, take your time and do not be rushed. Make sure their agenda lines up with your own, that your well-being is in their best interests. If it’s a Mentor you’re looking for, ask yourself this – could you get along with this person outside of BDSM talk?
Is a Mentor a sexual or romantic role?
No, absolutely not. While the topics discussed may be sexual in nature, I feel the Mentor’s role is to instruct and to guide and discuss.
If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant mentor?
This one depends entirely on the individual. Some would feel they benefit more from someone in the same dynamic, while others feel someone in the opposite dynamic could shed a light on unforeseen ground. That comes down to personal taste.
There is the argument that the individual would benefit learning from the community as a whole. I mean, I did that myself, spending my own time reading and learning, so I can’t argue against that – Why would I? But on the other hand, a newbie learning one-on-one with a mentor gives him or her the chance to discuss topics without other minds expressing themselves and potentially leading to confusion or overwhelming the individual.
Again, it’s really a matter of preference and what’s more comfortable for the individual.
What exactly do YOU do as a Mentor?
I like to just be a friend and listen, first and foremost. I think that’s the most important thing, to be there.
In the past, I would encourage sending an email to my blog address, and if they felt comfortable doing so after befriending one another, to talk on a platform of Instant Messaging, for any direct line.
I say ‘in the past’ because I’ve stopped being as active in offering help presently – purely because I don’t want to annoy. And I don’t want to cross any boundaries if the individual is married or in a relationship. I don’t want to interfere or influence, merely help on the individuals terms.
But beyond that, I offer advice, I suggest activities such as meditation and journaling as a way of self-healing. I have had one individual ask me for help in getting them motivated in their daily life – small self-help and healthy living things like that.
I answer questions best I can, quell anxieties about their own ideas / feelings, squash misconceptions, offer activities I used for my own anxieties and journey. And be a back up, go-to friendly ear.
Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?
I’ve mostly had positive experiences in Mentoring and have even made a couple of good friends that have kept in touch and update me about their lives and their relationships and their own progress. This is the most rewarding thing I feel – knowing, in some way, maybe small, maybe more then that, that I’ve helped somehow.
I have had a negative experience too, last year. I came into contact with one person who only wanted to argue bitterly and he saw me as a focus point for that anger. I tried to get to the bottom of that anger but in the end, I had to cut contact. And being the sensitive person I am, that shook me quite a bit.
How does your lady / kitten feel about you Mentoring?
Before I started offering to help to anyone on the blog, I told her exactly what it was and what I hoped to do and why it was that I felt compelled to do so. I received her loving support. And If she was uncomfortable with any of it, I wouldn’t do it at all.
It can be a daunting thing, to journey into the world of BDSM. You may be worried you’ll fall into the pond when you just want to dip your toe. Just know you’re not alone in the journey – there are resources there within your reach. There are communities there full of the loveliest people that will help you as kindly as they helped me.
When it comes to seeking help, measure your options. Find what works best for you. Take your time on deciding if you want to work one on one or with the community – and most of all, be safe!
If you have any further questions, let me know and I can add this to the list – and if you ever need individual help, I’m always a message away! Good luck.