How Can You Tell If You’re Dominant Or Submissive?

Ladies and gents, I’m kinda stumped.

Early in the week, I was talking to a lady about how to implement kink into her marriage with her husband, when she ran a question by me – How do you know if you’re Dominant?

I answered that question best I could in the moment, running my own experiences with identifying the feeling by her, hoping it would connect somehow. But now, days later, I’m still thinking it over. I don’t really know HOW. It all seems so organic looking back.

I have also recently had someone ask me If they’re still fully submissive if they enjoy being bratty – there’s a lot of misunderstanding about the persona and how it applies to the individual.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of confused and alone people out there with a laundry list of questions and no one to ask. I’m more than happy to answer anything anyone has to ask, be you male, female, teenager, adult, new to the lifestyle or in the middle of a transformation or even someone with an inkling of kinkling.

Anyway, I thought I would try to the answer the question at length, hoping newcomers to BDSM might relate and it can help them in their own journey.

In the beginning, I had these feelings that I had understanding of. I didn’t know I could file my name calling under ‘Degradation and Humiliation’ nor did I understand why I was so interested in control – in exercising authority over my girlfriend. In these stages, there was no real sense of D/s and aftercare because I was immature and these feelings were immature and coarse and unrefined.

Before I continue, let me just write that there’s no absolute way for one person. Everyone is different and works differently.

I should say that my own development has come with a certain degree of blind luck. I met certain people at the right time in my life, people like me, through Fetlife or the semi-sketchy anonymous confessional app Whisper. I was a lucky bastard. I had the blessing of shaping who I was through encounters along my twenties.

Fetlife was a big player in my path, I would say. By signing up and looking around, I could see I wasn’t alone. I could even put a name to my kinks and thus have some semblance of understanding.

Google helped too, in a way, acting as a gateway to all sorts of media – books, images, blogs, people, Kink. Suddenly I knew of words like ‘Dominance’ and ‘submission’ and ‘dynamic’. Combine this with Fetlife and I had opportunities to feel the gravitational force to someone who was submissive. I’m talking, heart racing, cock hardening, breath quickening gravitational forces that helped me realise something was within me.

I know what you’re wondering. ‘Okay, but how does someone know if they’re dominant? Or even submissive?’

The best advice I can give is that it starts with an idea. Have a google of key concepts that come to mind when you think of BDSM – blindfolding, handcuffs, dirty talk. Start small. See if something strikes up your fancy.

If you want to reach deeper, have a look at concepts within a D/s relationship, such as setting tasks and rules and maintaining order. See if any of these concepts appeal to you on a base level. Try not to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information – there can be a lot to learn but you can easily break it up into easily digestible parts.

Start small. Start light. A bit of spanking, a bit of issuing commands – talk to your partner about what they would like to try and see if it strikes a chord with you on any level.

The last advice I can give is to be open to yourself and to your partner. That goes for likes and dislikes and even if you’re uninterested. But always be open to trying at least. You never know what you’ll find on the road less travelled.

30 Days of Kink – Day #9 – Music Brought To You By Kink

Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy. Describe why it works for you.

Skin on Skin’ by Queens of the Stone Age.

Why does it work for me? When I hear this song, I think of breathless, spontaneous and sweaty sex. Wild sex. Passionate sex. Dirty, gritty, rough, animalistic, raw, scorching – I’m talking grunting and screaming and bed shaking and full on guttural vocals who-is-this-person? Sex.

This dirty guitar grinding and winding its way through this sludgy riff, Josh Homme taking us through this sweat-and-alcohol soaked journey in which the narrator is wholly devoted to his or her lover, breathlessly worshipping at their altar, loving unconditionally, high and crisp on Lust, pure and unfiltered lust.

I think of sun seeping in through blinds, I think of raw throats, trembling bodies and that feeling of sweat coating your hair. You’re out of breath in this dirty landscape but driven somehow by this animal magnetism and nothing – and I mean NOTHING – will quench your thirst but them.


Here’s the lyrics:

From the moment you said “why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

I knew I’d wipe that paint from your lips.

I stare the lids off your eyes,

gone down on your dirty mind

& end up between your hips.

Handfuls of sweat tangled hair,

Anytime, anywhere

I want to lick you too much baby.

I just play all alone,

whispering for your moan

Forced to crawl down this line,

just to touch.

I can get in

I can’t get out

I’m just sweating my sheets.

I hate to see you leave,

but I love to watch you go baby…

Twisted secret lives,

the way you bat your eyes

Givin head

givin head

givin head.

Watch you come from above

I’m so needy for love, I’m desperate,

Greedy in slavery

I sneak around from behind

I got a one track mind

We got a skin on skin thing baby

I want to lick you too much

I hear you comin ooh aaaah baby

Sweet Relief

We talk about relief in terms of domination and submission, of orgasms, forced or denied until madness. We talk of the build, the pressure and the release as the holy trinity but something else that I can see being added to all this is the sensuality behind urinating. In certain situations, of course.

I’ve never been one to think of golden showers as erotic but I’d be a liar if I said it hasn’t started to occur to me as of late when it comes to the holy trinity, the three stages of sweet relief.

I’m guilty of letting things build. I delay the release in favour of the thing I’m writing or the movie I’m watching or if I’m enjoying a walk with company – insert numerous situations. Sometimes, dear reader, I admit to lying in bed, unable to find motivation, denying myself release as I browse WordPress or see to daily tasks.

When it comes to the pressure, the act of relief is in the back of my mind. The urge escalated but so does the eroticism. In my mind’s eye, I’m starting to transform, like a werewolf under the full moon, and I’m above a Slave about to commence a daily ritual.

This ties into a Master side of me I would guess, because in my mind, it’s a ritualistic encounter. In my mind, I’m delaying her pressure like a dick sadist. In my mind, there is no God because I’m the devil here. You see what I mean? It’s a gut-wrenching alternate me. And it’s profoundly erotic in ways I’d never think.

And then there’s that millisecond of ecstasy where you let go – you’re not afraid to release, you are free. I can almost feel myself plummeting from the top of a waterfall down into the lake, ready to be reborn by the act as much as she will be. We’re born together.

Maybe I’m being pretentious but I don’t know if I am. There’s a lot going on in my mind at times when I urinate that I’m not sure you could boil it down to sheer over-thinking. I mean, there’s a ritual there. Something sacred. There’s worship and the idea of being worship. There’s ownership and trust and a shared connection.

I can picture myself being right there with her, elated with her, transported with her, high on the act just like her. But I can also sense, on my part, in my Dominance, feeling that relief of letting go, of shedding my skin and feeling my new body for the very first time.

I could get used to that ritual.

How I Knew I Was A Daddy Dominant

When talking about my feelings as someone who identifies as a Daddy, the one question that usually comes up first is – How did you know you were a Daddy-type?

I tell these people but I’ve told you guys and gals, probably time and time before, but the other day, it really hit me. Like, smacked-in-the-face-here’s-your-epiphany levels of realisation.

I felt I was a Daddy-type the evening I looked into the eyes of my kitten on a particularly anxious evening for her, her eyes wide and terrified. Looking at her, I knew in that moment, I felt in that moment this grand desire to wrap my arms around her and pull into our little created realm of security. And that I would fight for her own restoration of balance until I was exhausted – and then, even more.

I understood in that moment, you see. And looking back, I wonder just how this memory escaped me if it was so pivotal. Maybe in all the un-organised thoughts in my brain, it sat waiting to be processed. Maybe I forgot, not a strange occurrence with me. I have the unfortunate ability of forgetting birthdays, appointments and other moments.

Maybe I just felt it then, put it on a pedestal to place in my snow globe of memories, but forgot to file it under Relationship. I can’t say.

Acting and feeling as a Daddy has long been gestating within me. It was with me there roughly as a teen, when I was writing about and acting out Incest related fantasies and roleplay. It was there when I understood that the dynamic wasn’t simply about incest at all, it was about the way two souls engage and respond and react to one another. It was there when I reached out to my lady’s friends when I could sense their sadness, just to see if I could help, even though I knew it would potentially label me as weird or could cross unforeseen boundaries. It was even there when, in my travels as a twenty-something lad, I came across a teenager who tried flirting with me. I stopped her and talked to her and found out so much more – her home life was hectic, her future was troubling her. I happen to be there for the reaction to all this. And I wanted to shed light on this.

I guess it’s always been with me, developing with me and within me, maturing with me and even maturing ME. Like I’m the host and it’s this is some symbiotic relationship.

I’ve had strange thoughts at times. Fleeting thoughts. Through some strong bonds, I’ve come to regard friends as a sister or a brother. In rare cases, such as with my lady, I’ve felt the need to talk to her as a Dad, as she were my little girl.

I wonder if it’s a biological thing? I don’t have any children. We don’t plan to. So maybe this is nature’s way of stepping forth and making up for any absence of that role within me. I don’t know. I’m not sure.

To the man or woman wondering where they lie in the grand scheme of things, if they wonder if they feel themselves moving towards baby girl or Daddy, know this: Don’t feel shame. Don’t feel fear. There is nothing wrong with you, or your thoughts or your desires or your dreams or your fantasies. Don’t let the fear stop your own progress or education into what it means and certainly don’t give up. You’ve got what it takes.

If you need to talk, I’m an email away!

Communication is Key: A Look into New D/s Relationships

I want to talk about the welfare of a submissive, from the point of view of a Dominant, because it’s something that, in my excitement as a youngin’ – or young Dominant, if you will, I missed because I was foolhardy.

Not only is it important to communicate openly, when getting to know one another, but it is also important to maintain that deep level of communication consistently along the way.

I made the mistake there, I got lost initially in my own interest or desire, without thinking of the classic concept of cause and effect and how my interests may impact my lady, my submissive, down the road.

It’s easy to type the sentence – be thorough – but it’s another thing entirely to do out loud, in person with one another. And it’s even trickier to talk about because each dynamic is different and what works and didn’t work for me might be different for the next couple.

Regardless, listen to your partner. Be attentive. But more importantly, be open. Not to his or her own interests but any ideas they may have to put onto the label table you two may eventually play on.

You could even set a time, each week say, to talk openly. Get away from the TV, the phones, the distractions – and just chat. One of my favourite things to do personally is lie down beside my lady in a darkened room and talk to her. Without gazing at a screen, miniscule or massive, the conversation tree-lines open up. There’s an intimacy there, an openness that lets us operate. It’s rather beautiful, you know? But that’s me.

It’s always important to touch base – ask each other how things are in the D/s dynamic. Is there room for improvement? Are you both satisfied? Is there any new things you want to try? Is there anything wrong with how things have been currently operating? Get thorough.


A Newborn Submissive


First and foremost, I want to address any new or curious submissive currently reading out there – but that being said, this can apply to Dominants with new submissive partners.

The first thing I will say is to be patient. Mistakes are going to be made. Dominants, do not rush in with punishing, however sexy the concept seems, but submissives, do not – I repeat – DO NOT – beat yourself up. You may feel like a loser that you made a mistake, it may feel like your life as a submissive has ended before it began – but lift that chin up, mister / miss. We’re human. We make mistakes. And guess what? Doms make mistakes as well, and trust me, we feel just as stupid when it occurs to.

So patience is the number one biggest thing to remember with new submissive partners. After all, they are learning. Guide them, teach them, be kind to them and put aside your self for the moment to shield them in your training together.

For me, I like to deconstruct every bit of information with a new submissive. There are so many classifications to fall into now that, in the beginning, it can get confusing as to where you really stand. Deconstructing terms together can prove useful, even helpful. You could even make it something special – perhaps a nude cuddle together in a low lit warm space? Something safe and guarded – a moment free of judgement.

Encouraging the identity and individuality of your submissive is paramount, as it is for a submissive to follow their hearts and realise their inner strength when navigating the world of BDSM on their own. It can be overwhelming with so many titles and behaviours of roles cris-crossing that it can be hard to identify just who you are. Remember to listen to your impulses and keep in mind that you have every right to customise dynamics and the like to your taste.

Keeping a dialogue open so that concepts can be explored or encouraged, if confidence needs boosting, is always a lovely idea. A healthy and safe environment is a beautiful thing.

I am going to stop here before I write a larger essay. I hope this sheds some light. If not, I hope I can clear some things up for anyone. Be safe and be kind!


The Rope



Tangles of red rope reached across her pale flesh, cuffing around her inner thighs, resting at the edges of her lips.

The rope stretched along her stomach, forked diagonally upwards across her tits, where it would grind against her light pink and puffy nipples.

The rope scorched her, leaving behind thin broken lines seared into her flesh. Like dunes in a desert.


She was to remain on her stomach on the floor, her legs held up across her back and bounded by the rope.

Every inch of her was met with the coarse material. It was perverse, painful.

Even though she was only in the middle of their lounge room, she

felt exposed to the world and all its elements. Like a girl, like a lost little girl.

The knots started to itch against her, yet she became its slave, open and willing.

She dare not move, for the rope would only work against her, twisting and digging in a delightful mix of pain and pleasure.

She hated it yet loved it. For every thrill she felt from the sting, the rub of pain, she wanted to relieve her ache. She wanted to dull it, just a little. A little squeeze of her nipples, just a little. But she was bound, left to feel the lingering kiss of the rope.


She had learnt to be still the hard way.

Pressed against the wooden floor, she felt the cool teasing ache of its touch against her nipple. In her absence of reason, a fault of no one but her own she reflected soon after, she tried to move her body up, if only to slightly drag her hardened nipple across the floor, to satiate herself.

But upon even an inch of movement, the rope tightened. It dug a nice crevice into her breasts and began to leave its mark.

Oh, she had whimpered, had tried to flail like someone half her age, but in the end, she was bound to that spot on her stomach.


There she would remain, a wretched prisoner, a willing slave, till he returned home from the shops, just like he said he would.


The Art of Choking

I was worried ‘the art of choking’ sounds pompous but it felt right. There’s an art to many things – shaving, cooking, even getting dressed.

And considering how my last post on choking was in the infant stages of my blog, back in 2015, I wanted to write something more refined on it as we speed towards the end of 2017.

The trick with choking is that it’s all in the control. It should go without saying you don’t want to crush that beautiful throat like a can, it’s about applying pressure.

For me, applying pressure is like a slow build of tension. Things start off gentle but the more it goes on, the more the pressure escalates to a point.

I say ‘to a point’ because, well, everyone will have a different threshold of how they like it, that’s the nature of the beast.

Kitten and I, we like things a little tougher, a little rougher. So I know where the line is when my hand is around her sweet pale throat.

If you’re worried about where the line is for you, if you’re new to choking and you want to try it out, experiment with pressure. Don’t go in like you’re The Terminator – be gentle.

The best thing is that you can set a whole play session to exploring what works and what doesn’t.

Ask your submissive if you’re unsure. Don’t be embarrassed to learn, that can be how you grow together. And that’s half the fun!

I used to be hesitant about it myself. In the moment, I could go primal and lose myself. This was back when I was finding a balance.

My lovely lady helped me find my way. Reassured me what was okay, that it was fine to tighten my hand around her neck. We were in sync in this regard.

It took a good few months to be okay with this. I’m a sensitive soul after all. When she’d start to struggle to breath, I’d panic. And she’d smile, gently telling me it’s okay, then later pleading with me not to stop.

So in the end, it’s not about how hard you can choke, it’s about pressure and how gently you can increase or decrease in a safe manner.

Don’t be afraid to experiment, so long as you’re gentle and safe about it!