The different meanings of being Dominant


Every so often, I stop and think about what it means exactly, for someone to be Dominant. And I get so caught up thinking about myself and my past and my future and how – in the present – I interact with my kitten. There’s a good and bad aspect to this for me.
The good side is that it allows me to reflect. Reflection is good. We get so caught up in our daily lives that we miss simple truths. Or sometimes we grow. Yes, we grow in mere months. Our tastes expand. What I wrote at the beginning of the blog you can find under “His Journals” and I am sure if I read that, I would add to it…and add to it….and add to it. I could keep adding and adding to it that it drove me mad. Here’s where the bad side of it comes in.

I’m sure I could think myself to death. Part and partial of having anxiety is that you think…and overthink…and overthink. It’s like a broken record. You go around and around and around thinking and analysing and coming to the truth, only it’s not the truth, there’s always a piece of information you missed, which means more thinking and more analysing. So I am going to add upon what I’ve said about the Dominant aspect and I’ll try my best to explain it and then somehow fight my compulsive behaviour to revisit and edit. Sigh. Bear with me.

But how is a person Dominant? It’s not just that he/she can top you in bed. Oh  no. Although, to be fair, there’s that. Which brings me to my next point: There’s a Dominant for the bedroom, maybe even outside, and then there’s a Dominant for the lifestyle.

The Dominant within the bedroom just wants to top sexually. They might even want to toy with the idea of owning you outside of the bedroom, purely for a sexual thrill. Like – wearing no panties to work or choosing your outfit for you. That sort of thing.

It’s when it begins to be not just about a sexual thrill but something far richer and deeper that it wanders into the territory of the ‘lifestyle’. And this is where a D/s relationship might come into play. The Dominant that wants in on the lifestyle is the Dominant I am, to use a personal example. If you’ll allow me to be more personal, it’s not enough that I dominant kitty in the bedroom. As wild and passionate and exhilarating that is, I need more. Because that side within me wants the tender love and ownership and control of the person out of the bedroom more than it does within.

It is insane the desire that fuels me to stroke her head and tuck her in. To want to read to her (We’re currently powering through Alice’s adventures in Wonderland of a night). To teach her to build up her confidence and let go of the chains. To nurture her and be a teacher to her. It extends to the symbolism of the collar. This desire to have her wear both a social collar, for privacy reasons in the workplace, and her own collar around the house. Why the desire to collar? Because she’s beautiful, sacred — fucking MINE. (And I can’t even begin to DESCRIBE the surge of possessiveness that came through my body writing that sentence). This beautiful, soulful kitten is mine. Those tender blue eyes, her gigantic ever-giving heart? MINE. Mine to protect.

And I love that. And I want to be her guardian and protector and I want to see that cute choke-worthy neck don that collar. It’s a complicated mess of emotions.

And that, for me, is Dominance within the lifestyle. A complicated mess of emotions, ranging from the deeply loving to the deeply brutal.

Now, of course, you can’t just define Dominance down to two categories – in the bedroom and deeper. I will, however, admit to disliking the individual that poses as a false Dominant when all they really want is sex. This angers me because, to me, that isn’t right. And it’s treating this beautiful man or woman as a cheap tool to which they will use to get off. NO. FUCKING NO. But I digress.

Every Dominant out there is going to take what a D/s lifestyle means to them and alter it how they want to because it suits them. It likes…parallel universes. Right now, there could be a parallel universe where I’m not writing but rather hanging out with my dogs because I felt you guys didn’t want another long-winding post. For every direction made, another universe is created in which the opposite choice is made. It’s science fiction but it’s kinda like that, every person shapes what’s being defined by other people as D/s and Dominant — to fit their life and it’ll go on and on like this for years, long past your existence or mine.

It’s complicated, it’s messy, it’s being Dominant. So if you find a growing interest in BDSM, if these interests start to go outside of the bedroom and start materialising in your personality and in your desire towards your partner or you’re own mind, then it’s the lifestyle for you. And the journey begins.

But, of course, it’s never that simple, is it?

Exploring sexuality in BDSM and D/s relationships


I wanted to talk about sexuality in BDSM because it’s something that sparks a lot of confusion and controversy among certain circles.

Some folk new to the idea of BDSM might figure that the role of the Dominant is assigned to a man, just as the role of the submissive is assigned to a female. This isn’t true and it’s one of the beautiful things about BDSM and a D/s relationship.

The role can belong to any gender who possesses that mindset and traits. In fact, people can move between the two roles, which has led to some people using the label ‘switch’.

So you see, two men can be engaged in a D/s relationship, just as two women can be engaged in a D/s relationship. In other examples, the woman can be the Dominant (or ‘Domme’) and her submissive can even be a male. There’s no shame in a man stepping forth and declaring he is submissive, just as there should be no shame in a gay couple coming forth and declaring their roles and their love for each other.

I’m of a belief that it doesn’t matter who you are or what your sexual preference is, so long as you treat me with kindness, warmth and respect, I’ll do the same to you.

Another point I want to address relates to submissive men. A man might be submissive and afraid to admit it because doing so might lead others to believe he is homosexual. Yeah, that’s a possibility. It shouldn’t matter and it’s unfortunate it does but a submissive male doesn’t necessarily mean they are into the same sex. Just because you enjoy the idea of anal sex or anal pleasure does not mean you are into men. There’s nerve endings on the ass, you know? With practice, you can stimulate yourself to what I am sure would be powerful orgasms.

I feel like there is an unspoken problem there, between folk enjoying anal pleasure , even at the hands of a Dom/Domme.
That’s media, that’s society talking. Don’t define things by a narrow label – labels are for soup. Enjoy and embrace who you are, regardless of tastes. A Domme women and a submissive man may have a relationship as fruitful and powerful as any other, just as a Dominant man and a submissive man may have a beautiful and healthy relationship.

I feel there are people out there struggling with their sexuality and with their interest in BDSM and pursuing a D/s relationship when they don’t need to be worried about it at all.

If anything, look at it this way: What is sexuality? It can’t be as simple as what’s out there can it? Especially when something like BDSM and D/s relationships are challenging the concept of what it means to like this or what it means to like that? Like love, it can’t be defined, as love is different person to person.
My head’s all over the place with this and I’m not sure I am making sense. At the end of the day, don’t let media and society’s narrow views on sexuality define you. Just because you the mainstream media might be populated with straight sex and news articles and folk frown on your tastes doesn’t mean anything.

If you’re gay, be proud and happy. If you’re a submissive man, be proud of it. If you’re a lesbian, be proud and stand tall because you know what? What you want to explore is beautiful and you are on the cusp of exploring your true identity. Even if it doesn’t work out, look at this way: you tried exploring something most people are afraid to explore. You’re better than those that want to live with hate in their hearts.

Sexuality is fluid. We should be open to experiences and sensations and forget about small minded labels. That’s not who we are.