We Are The Masters Of Our Own Fate

I was cleaning my MacBook and I stumbled across some old text messages that dated back before my relationship with my lady (Thanks, iMessage!) and one of the files was from a Fetlifer I befriended on my travels before losing contact – and something she expressed to me, which has since struck a chord again here in the future, was her pull of submission towards her ex, who, for whatever reason – maybe he was manipulating her, maybe he himself was trapped in that comforting yet vicious cycle, maybe they were working things out – felt that same animalistic pull.

Now I don’t want to seem like I’m focusing on the negative here, but something I have come to read a lot of, and occasionally sense first hand in relationships, some right before my eyes, is this dysfunctional relationship between a submissive and a dominant.

It could be a conscious thing. I have heard many stories of men, thinking they understand Dominance, abuse the power with malicious intent. I’ve heard of submissive women feeling trapped, either in their marriage to a controlling man or maybe they’re feeling different in a irreparable way, maybe it’s a man, stuck on how to express his feelings, either to his wife, or about his own sexuality, maybe he is unable to proceed with his dominance because the progress eludes him – the variables are endless.

The thing is…we are the captains of our own ship. We are the masters of our fate. Today may be a shit day but tomorrow may be better, if not a step towards being better. Something that people don’t realise, I certainly forget often, is — you’re in this for the long game. Progress takes time. You’ve got to fight like hell even when you feel you’re already there.

For submissive folk, don’t you ever feel weak. Realising you’re submissive takes great courage. Tapping into that submission takes great bravery. Exploring the aspirations of a submissive and it’s dynamic qualities takes tremendous strength.

Always remember that submission isn’t just simply obeying a dominant persona. It’s choosing a dominant persona. It’s granting access to your heart and mind. That takes guts, that takes a certain fearlessness. You should be proud of yourself.

For Dominant folk, remember that being dominant is so much more than protocol and order and sexual gratification, it’s love and trust and harnessing your mind – not just yourselves but the mind of your submissive. It’s about being tender, about being attentive and it’s about care. Here and now and in the future.

And if Dominance and submission is a one night thing, see it has tender and care and harnessing minds for that brief period. There’s still a moment that takes patience and respect into equation.

More importantly, and I speak to both dominants and submissives, don’t let someone walk over you. Don’t let someone boss you around. Don’t let your current situation, of destructive or helpless, put you down – because you can strive for a better future in which all is harmonious. And you can achieve that. It’ll take time, you may need to reboot your life, but you will survive so long as you believe in a positive future and in yourself.

You’ve got this.

This Page Does Not Exist: On Growing At Ease With Your Self

I was on Fetlife just now, dusting the profile, cleaning up the space – and I came across some old friends from waaaaay back, people that befriended me and helped me identify some things inside me. And they were gone – vanished – disappeared. Without a trace.

And it got me thinking. It’s a recurring thing I see with some friends. And before I go any further, I’m aware that interests change and people leave because — they’ve found someone or they’re no longer interested in the website – the possibilities are endless.

But I can draw a correlation between having the absent friends and a perception between some readers who write in – and feel they’re not worth the time that other people may put into themselves.

Having an idea of who we want to be, but sitting in a comfortable sphere seems to be a recurring thing amongst people. I’m part of that sphere. My anxiety, my shyness, rendered me unable to pursue what I wanted for years. YEARS. And everybody moves at their own pace, everyone blossoms in their own time, so I can’t rush, nor would I ever attempt to rush, someone’s own mental development. I mean, if someone told me this exact thing back when I wasn’t ready, it probably wouldn’t make a lick of difference.

There are beautiful people out there that are scared of making a change in their own lives, because to risk it all means there could be a chance of failure, of rejection. Maybe they ignore their own darker impulses, the dominant within or the submissive within – the commanding master, the obedient slave – for the safe life. I don’t know you.

Ladies and gents, you owe it to yourself to live life to the fullest. Never believe you’re not worth it, that the risk isn’t worth the plunge. Accepting who you are takes time, and the greatest challenge of all – fending off yourself, your worst enemy – but in time, and with baby steps, it gets easier. I can vouch for that. If I can find peace, me, the poor country boy from a dead end town, then you can too. Anything is possible so long as you believe!

Thinking Out Loud: Looking at Mental Health, BDSM and D/s Relationships

In my time of blogging, not to mention my own existential wanderings, I’ve come to realise that there is a relationship between those into BDSM and anxiety and/or depression.

The only thing I have had trouble understanding is the answer to the question – why?

Do these two things exist because of each other? Does one lead to the other? Is it through our development, whatever leads to the makings of anxiety in our mind or biological make up, that we become drawn to BDSM and Dominant / submissive relationships?

I’m not saying that you can’t have one without the other – you obviously can – but since opening my blog and talking to the gracious souls that wish to strike up a dialogue, a recurring theme I’ve seen is that anxiety and depression are threads that weave in and out of these lives.

I don’t know why. Sometimes I like to think it’s my anxious mind that helps me be kinder to the world and to partners and to people. Is that another connective tissue or am I simply being egotistical at this point? Questions upon questions.

Maybe I’m not qualified to even answer, or to write this article. I’m a writer, not a therapist. I merely think out loud.

I don’t know what to tell someone when they ask if their interest in BDSM is linked to a trauma that occurred early in their life. I can’t say, only offering to be a sympathetic ear and to gently remind them that practicing BDSM and D/s safely should not bring about any guilt.

I don’t think we’ll get all the answers. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe, so long as things are practiced in a healthy manner, so long as the individual’s state of mind is calm and in a positive state, maybe the why isn’t as important as the how.

In the end, what’s important is finding that sweet spot of living peacefully with your demons. Of safe environments in BDSM, of living with grief. Co-existing, you know?

Make time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Remember that living with a mental illness CAN be compatible with BDSM and a D/s relationship because the physical safety and mental well-being of those involved is a key factor and can be safely explored, with or without a partner.

When I began to actively explore BDSM and a D/s relationship, I didn’t know where I could stand. I often have so many thoughts that I need to have someone who can reassure me that things are okay, that they won’t tire of my questions or run out of patience. And I found my footing! And the same can happen for you!

No matter what has happened, we can come back from being knocked down. I have to believe that we can. Even in my worst days of panic.

Memoirs Of A Dominant

Next week I will be turning thirty.
And looking back on the last ten years of my life is a strange and beautiful thing.

I’ve had the gift of life given to me but also of laughter and love and yeah, even Dominance. 

When I was twenty, I didn’t know what I do now. 

You could say I was Dominant, but I was coarse and unrefined. 

I could dominate – and I did – but it wasn’t with any sort of awareness of the bigger picture. I was playing chess one square at a time rather than the whole board.

Unknowingly, I had formed D/s relationships but neither me nor the lady I was with knew that. All I knew was that I had gone from being a loner to suddenly an attractive man – well, in the eyes of others anyway. At 20 I was insecure with myself in a way that I’m not now. 

My twenties were spent outside of anything BDSM related. There were flickers of it: The degradation that came out in my teens also came out in the bedroom. But I didn’t know terms, dynamics, things I wanted. I was coarse and unrefined and in a strictly vanilla relationship. 

It was around the time of my mid-twenties when something inside me awoke. Suddenly I wanted to learn. 

I was afraid to learn – there were times in the middle of the night where I woke from a dream to an ache I had ignored due to some of that catholic guilt I was raised with coming out – but I still had that desire. 

My long-term girlfriend at the time was not interested in the slightest. Not even after me trying to introduce to her some things I wanted to try. We simply were not compatible, though we hung onto each other long anyway.
Her dismissal led me to blogs and sites and that’s where I discovered Fetlife. That’s where I discovered apps like Whisper.

Suddenly I was finding that education I was so scared about. I deleted and signed up to Fetlife numerous times before I created the profile that exists today. 

Through whisper, I met a bubbly young lady. She was eighteen. I was 26 at the time. 
Blonde hair, blue eyes, piercings over her face and nipples. 
I did not have an affair with her, if that’s what you’re thinking. As I write this now, I can see that this was the origin of my Daddy side. 

You see, she came from a broken home. She was constantly in a state of distress. And over the weeks, we would talk and I would help in any way I can – because…well, because she felt like a little sister to me. 

The universe is a strange thing. It brings people together, it pulls people apart. And I guess, in that time, the universe gave me someone to talk to who was just as much seeking answers as I was. 

We would talk about our interests, mainly though, we would talk shit. And it was pleasant. 

I don’t know where she is now, but looking back, I think that was instrumental in forging my Daddy side. My caring side. My nurture side. 

EVENTUALLY my long term relationship with my girlfriend fell apart. We stopped being friends, we hung out in different rooms after work. We simply weren’t compatible. 

At the time, I wanted to fight. I felt that was what I wanted to do – fight for her. But when she showed no interest in fighting back, I decided to drop my compulsion to fix things or solve things and just…let her go. 

In the months after, I sought to explore myself. I moved in with my parents for a while, Iogged back into Fetlife. I took nude selfies despite my lingering guilt post-relationship. I wrote songs too. Really on-the-nose songs, with titles like ‘Penultimate’ and ‘Signposts’. It was my way to heal.

Through Fetlife – through people, really – I learnt what I was once too scared to learn. I spoke to women I befriended. Some I was drawn to on a really primal level. They helped point out what I was feeling. 

I had plenty of fascinating conversations about minds and life just staying in the intimate space of my childhood bedroom. In a lot of ways I was doing a loop, folding over back into my childhood town. Adulthood is weird.

But I learned I was a primal. I learned I was a Daddy. I had a six hour edging session – and I’m not exaggerating to prove something, I spent the majority of that day in bed pushing my limits. I was done crying, I was going to edge damnit. 

So you see, life is strange. Why we don’t accept our minds and our sexuality is stranger. I could lament and wonder why it wasn’t sooner that I had this life affirming epiphany, but you can’t go back. Only forward. 

If you have any questions regarding this post, always feel free to write me at my email. I’m more than happy to help you with your own journey.  

Sex, BDSM and Tumblr

So a few weeks ago / a few months ago (who’s counting? ugh) I started a tumblr for this here blog. The idea behind it being that I can share a selection of works / thoughts from this blog while also uploading some kinky imagery behind it.

I have a thing for really artsy creative photography so I share a lot of that.

My initial thoughts are that it’s an interesting platform to share what you find enticing. And as it is a site revolving around imagery, there’s not as much space devoted to feelings about BDSM but rather the act of it itself. Which could be a number of things, they don’t care to share, they don’t know how to share, it’s just about sex. Or it just comes down to the fact that what I see in this image is not what they think and feel.

And that’s the beauty of anything, really – we are all different. We’re all an epic saga waiting to be read.

There is, however, something I really like about the platform and that’s the amateur profiles. It’s really adorable seeing boyfriend and girlfriend profiles sharing their adventure. I get to experience someone else’s joy and that’s just beautiful, man.
As a now-casual Fetlife lurker, I feel alienated from the community. There have been a few friends that have completely disconnected their profile and disappeared and I’ve never perfected the art of making friends over on Fetlife. Groups are, for me, hard to integrate into. Woo, anxiety.

But with Tumblr, somehow I have gathered 40 followers and I have no idea how. And some of them are not all screenshots from the most simplistic porn shoot with links telling me to go to this website, etc. Some are people finding their way with their partner. Love, man. That’s beautiful.

So, I’m enjoying it thus far. It’s definitely interesting.

If you’re curious about my tumblr, let me do the shameless plug thing: http://talldarkanddominant.tumblr.com

If you’re curious about my Fetlife, I’m not always around but feel free to message me in private and I’ll gladly send it along some like kind of secret society.

 

 

The Dominant’s Character

When it comes to being Dominant, don’t think that you are just teaching your submissive. The universe is also teaching you. So listen up and listen well. There’s truth all around you that you can seek, you just have to know where to begin.

Part of this is disciplining yourself. To put aside Ego and think about what is all around you.

An example of this would be:

Are you aware that, on Fetlife, or otherwise, I am not sure, it is a sign of respect for some for you to contact a submissive’s Dominant before engaging with her? I’ve run into these unspoken laws a few times in my exploration of the lifestyle. It’s no biggie, I don’t challenge it. Why would I?

Here’s the thing.

I befriended someone just recently on Fetlife, someone that took a liking to my writings and my blog and wanted to write in and say hello. We swapped philosophies, wisdom, whatever and it is lovely. After a few exchanges, she invited me to add her as a friend and I thought “Hey, why not?”. I mean, I’m not on there much but at least you can stay in contact you know?

It turns out that this upset her Dominant and that he requested I apologise, even though I was invited by her to connect and he knew her and I were conversing. This man also organised a punishment for her, for not knowing simple fetlife etiquette with him.

Now, I am sure this man is a lovely bloke — this example isn’t about attacking any one person, it is about examining discipline within a Dominant’s character and looking at the difference and ultimately voicing my opinion on what I disagree with.

So let’s look at this for a moment.
Let’s start with the punishment. Each different Dominant will have his or her ideology on when it’s a good time to punish. But should a person be punished for something they didn’t know about? This is why I say to newcomers to always define the rules before engaging in a relationship. Always. Because let me tell you something, I made the mistake of punishing my kitten for something that I disagreed with and she didn’t know about it, and it shook her to her core.

She felt like she disappointed me. And this scared her so much that she was frightened to respond in the future. See, the fault was with me. I was leading her wrongly. I had to step back from my ego and realise the bigger picture. So I sat her down and we talked about it openly and honestly and I apologised profusely and we became all the more better for it as a team.

So do I disagree with the punishment? Yes. I think that’s unwise and could only lead to resentment and further miscommunication in the future.
Secondly, the whole idea that I was to apologise feels like it’s more to do with insecurity then honour because my existence was already revealed. And I am happily in a relationship. Come on, man – I’m harmless, I’m like a pug, I make weird growling noises and I like to make friends with everyone.
In the end, I apologised because I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, especially when it’s such a minuscule situation in the grand scheme of things.

But it was interesting because the whole idea of issuing an apology feels like a power trip, like a showcase of Dominance from one Dom to another because of a territory thing. And fellas, while a little protectiveness is great, we are all animals after all, it’s not necessary for you because…well, is it really you being the better person in the situation? I get possessiveness, all too well and while I share a general distrust, one would say an unhealthy distrust, for others, I don’t think that bearing your teeth is the way to go. Especially if your submissive is the one that pays for it..

This all comes back to disciplining yourself and being the master of emotions. To be in control of any given situation.

Now, of course this example can be read many different ways and people are going to see things differently. This is my interpretation on a social issue and again, most definitely is not an attack on anyone’s character, just a friendly examination.

What say you?

 

Random Friend Requests on Fetlife (And Why It Can Bother Me)

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Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s how I roll but I don’t like random people adding me without so much as a message saying “Hello” or at the very least “This is why I want to add you..” To me, it’s just polite to throw someone a message and get to know them before you get to know their insides.

You would’t walk up to a person in real life and be like “Hey, I think we should be friends – you look like someone I’d like to be around” so what makes it acceptable on the internet with social media?

I get it if you’re a ‘performer’ of sorts. I’ve had people on Fet add me and they have 4,000+ friends and are asking if we can all donate to paypal. That’s fair enough, that’s their job. Whatever. But if you’re not, I don’t understand. If it’s a loneliness situation, I feel that but maybe talk to me? I’m more than happy to talk back.

And this is the thing. I am more than happy to connect with anyone over Fet. Providing we know each other a little and get along, either really well, or just on a little level. Although, between you and me, I like to go all out and know people really well.

Collecting friends like baseball cards isn’t what I am interested in. I mean, is it a situation where we’re all just looking at nudes of each other and getting that fix OR are we looking at nudes of these people we’ve connected with — and there’s that special sort of universe established where we can swap tips and humorous stories, I don’t know.

If anyone from WordPress wanted to ask after my fetlife, I would say – sure. Email me and I’ll pass along my username. But send me a message so we can talk and get to know each other one on one so we can see if we get along and such.

But, that’s just me.