This Page Does Not Exist: On Growing At Ease With Your Self

I was on Fetlife just now, dusting the profile, cleaning up the space – and I came across some old friends from waaaaay back, people that befriended me and helped me identify some things inside me. And they were gone – vanished – disappeared. Without a trace.

And it got me thinking. It’s a recurring thing I see with some friends. And before I go any further, I’m aware that interests change and people leave because — they’ve found someone or they’re no longer interested in the website – the possibilities are endless.

But I can draw a correlation between having the absent friends and a perception between some readers who write in – and feel they’re not worth the time that other people may put into themselves.

Having an idea of who we want to be, but sitting in a comfortable sphere seems to be a recurring thing amongst people. I’m part of that sphere. My anxiety, my shyness, rendered me unable to pursue what I wanted for years. YEARS. And everybody moves at their own pace, everyone blossoms in their own time, so I can’t rush, nor would I ever attempt to rush, someone’s own mental development. I mean, if someone told me this exact thing back when I wasn’t ready, it probably wouldn’t make a lick of difference.

There are beautiful people out there that are scared of making a change in their own lives, because to risk it all means there could be a chance of failure, of rejection. Maybe they ignore their own darker impulses, the dominant within or the submissive within – the commanding master, the obedient slave – for the safe life. I don’t know you.

Ladies and gents, you owe it to yourself to live life to the fullest. Never believe you’re not worth it, that the risk isn’t worth the plunge. Accepting who you are takes time, and the greatest challenge of all – fending off yourself, your worst enemy – but in time, and with baby steps, it gets easier. I can vouch for that. If I can find peace, me, the poor country boy from a dead end town, then you can too. Anything is possible so long as you believe!

Thinking Out Loud: Looking at Mental Health, BDSM and D/s Relationships

In my time of blogging, not to mention my own existential wanderings, I’ve come to realise that there is a relationship between those into BDSM and anxiety and/or depression.

The only thing I have had trouble understanding is the answer to the question – why?

Do these two things exist because of each other? Does one lead to the other? Is it through our development, whatever leads to the makings of anxiety in our mind or biological make up, that we become drawn to BDSM and Dominant / submissive relationships?

I’m not saying that you can’t have one without the other – you obviously can – but since opening my blog and talking to the gracious souls that wish to strike up a dialogue, a recurring theme I’ve seen is that anxiety and depression are threads that weave in and out of these lives.

I don’t know why. Sometimes I like to think it’s my anxious mind that helps me be kinder to the world and to partners and to people. Is that another connective tissue or am I simply being egotistical at this point? Questions upon questions.

Maybe I’m not qualified to even answer, or to write this article. I’m a writer, not a therapist. I merely think out loud.

I don’t know what to tell someone when they ask if their interest in BDSM is linked to a trauma that occurred early in their life. I can’t say, only offering to be a sympathetic ear and to gently remind them that practicing BDSM and D/s safely should not bring about any guilt.

I don’t think we’ll get all the answers. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe, so long as things are practiced in a healthy manner, so long as the individual’s state of mind is calm and in a positive state, maybe the why isn’t as important as the how.

In the end, what’s important is finding that sweet spot of living peacefully with your demons. Of safe environments in BDSM, of living with grief. Co-existing, you know?

Make time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Remember that living with a mental illness CAN be compatible with BDSM and a D/s relationship because the physical safety and mental well-being of those involved is a key factor and can be safely explored, with or without a partner.

When I began to actively explore BDSM and a D/s relationship, I didn’t know where I could stand. I often have so many thoughts that I need to have someone who can reassure me that things are okay, that they won’t tire of my questions or run out of patience. And I found my footing! And the same can happen for you!

No matter what has happened, we can come back from being knocked down. I have to believe that we can. Even in my worst days of panic.

Memoirs Of A Dominant

Next week I will be turning thirty.
And looking back on the last ten years of my life is a strange and beautiful thing.

I’ve had the gift of life given to me but also of laughter and love and yeah, even Dominance. 

When I was twenty, I didn’t know what I do now. 

You could say I was Dominant, but I was coarse and unrefined. 

I could dominate – and I did – but it wasn’t with any sort of awareness of the bigger picture. I was playing chess one square at a time rather than the whole board.

Unknowingly, I had formed D/s relationships but neither me nor the lady I was with knew that. All I knew was that I had gone from being a loner to suddenly an attractive man – well, in the eyes of others anyway. At 20 I was insecure with myself in a way that I’m not now. 

My twenties were spent outside of anything BDSM related. There were flickers of it: The degradation that came out in my teens also came out in the bedroom. But I didn’t know terms, dynamics, things I wanted. I was coarse and unrefined and in a strictly vanilla relationship. 

It was around the time of my mid-twenties when something inside me awoke. Suddenly I wanted to learn. 

I was afraid to learn – there were times in the middle of the night where I woke from a dream to an ache I had ignored due to some of that catholic guilt I was raised with coming out – but I still had that desire. 

My long-term girlfriend at the time was not interested in the slightest. Not even after me trying to introduce to her some things I wanted to try. We simply were not compatible, though we hung onto each other long anyway.
Her dismissal led me to blogs and sites and that’s where I discovered Fetlife. That’s where I discovered apps like Whisper.

Suddenly I was finding that education I was so scared about. I deleted and signed up to Fetlife numerous times before I created the profile that exists today. 

Through whisper, I met a bubbly young lady. She was eighteen. I was 26 at the time. 
Blonde hair, blue eyes, piercings over her face and nipples. 
I did not have an affair with her, if that’s what you’re thinking. As I write this now, I can see that this was the origin of my Daddy side. 

You see, she came from a broken home. She was constantly in a state of distress. And over the weeks, we would talk and I would help in any way I can – because…well, because she felt like a little sister to me. 

The universe is a strange thing. It brings people together, it pulls people apart. And I guess, in that time, the universe gave me someone to talk to who was just as much seeking answers as I was. 

We would talk about our interests, mainly though, we would talk shit. And it was pleasant. 

I don’t know where she is now, but looking back, I think that was instrumental in forging my Daddy side. My caring side. My nurture side. 

EVENTUALLY my long term relationship with my girlfriend fell apart. We stopped being friends, we hung out in different rooms after work. We simply weren’t compatible. 

At the time, I wanted to fight. I felt that was what I wanted to do – fight for her. But when she showed no interest in fighting back, I decided to drop my compulsion to fix things or solve things and just…let her go. 

In the months after, I sought to explore myself. I moved in with my parents for a while, Iogged back into Fetlife. I took nude selfies despite my lingering guilt post-relationship. I wrote songs too. Really on-the-nose songs, with titles like ‘Penultimate’ and ‘Signposts’. It was my way to heal.

Through Fetlife – through people, really – I learnt what I was once too scared to learn. I spoke to women I befriended. Some I was drawn to on a really primal level. They helped point out what I was feeling. 

I had plenty of fascinating conversations about minds and life just staying in the intimate space of my childhood bedroom. In a lot of ways I was doing a loop, folding over back into my childhood town. Adulthood is weird.

But I learned I was a primal. I learned I was a Daddy. I had a six hour edging session – and I’m not exaggerating to prove something, I spent the majority of that day in bed pushing my limits. I was done crying, I was going to edge damnit. 

So you see, life is strange. Why we don’t accept our minds and our sexuality is stranger. I could lament and wonder why it wasn’t sooner that I had this life affirming epiphany, but you can’t go back. Only forward. 

If you have any questions regarding this post, always feel free to write me at my email. I’m more than happy to help you with your own journey.  

Sex, BDSM and Tumblr

So a few weeks ago / a few months ago (who’s counting? ugh) I started a tumblr for this here blog. The idea behind it being that I can share a selection of works / thoughts from this blog while also uploading some kinky imagery behind it.

I have a thing for really artsy creative photography so I share a lot of that.

My initial thoughts are that it’s an interesting platform to share what you find enticing. And as it is a site revolving around imagery, there’s not as much space devoted to feelings about BDSM but rather the act of it itself. Which could be a number of things, they don’t care to share, they don’t know how to share, it’s just about sex. Or it just comes down to the fact that what I see in this image is not what they think and feel.

And that’s the beauty of anything, really – we are all different. We’re all an epic saga waiting to be read.

There is, however, something I really like about the platform and that’s the amateur profiles. It’s really adorable seeing boyfriend and girlfriend profiles sharing their adventure. I get to experience someone else’s joy and that’s just beautiful, man.
As a now-casual Fetlife lurker, I feel alienated from the community. There have been a few friends that have completely disconnected their profile and disappeared and I’ve never perfected the art of making friends over on Fetlife. Groups are, for me, hard to integrate into. Woo, anxiety.

But with Tumblr, somehow I have gathered 40 followers and I have no idea how. And some of them are not all screenshots from the most simplistic porn shoot with links telling me to go to this website, etc. Some are people finding their way with their partner. Love, man. That’s beautiful.

So, I’m enjoying it thus far. It’s definitely interesting.

If you’re curious about my tumblr, let me do the shameless plug thing:

If you’re curious about my Fetlife, I’m not always around but feel free to message me in private and I’ll gladly send it along some like kind of secret society.



The Dominant’s Character

When it comes to being Dominant, don’t think that you are just teaching your submissive. The universe is also teaching you. So listen up and listen well. There’s truth all around you that you can seek, you just have to know where to begin.

Part of this is disciplining yourself. To put aside Ego and think about what is all around you.

An example of this would be:

Are you aware that, on Fetlife, or otherwise, I am not sure, it is a sign of respect for some for you to contact a submissive’s Dominant before engaging with her? I’ve run into these unspoken laws a few times in my exploration of the lifestyle. It’s no biggie, I don’t challenge it. Why would I?

Here’s the thing.

I befriended someone just recently on Fetlife, someone that took a liking to my writings and my blog and wanted to write in and say hello. We swapped philosophies, wisdom, whatever and it is lovely. After a few exchanges, she invited me to add her as a friend and I thought “Hey, why not?”. I mean, I’m not on there much but at least you can stay in contact you know?

It turns out that this upset her Dominant and that he requested I apologise, even though I was invited by her to connect and he knew her and I were conversing. This man also organised a punishment for her, for not knowing simple fetlife etiquette with him.

Now, I am sure this man is a lovely bloke — this example isn’t about attacking any one person, it is about examining discipline within a Dominant’s character and looking at the difference and ultimately voicing my opinion on what I disagree with.

So let’s look at this for a moment.
Let’s start with the punishment. Each different Dominant will have his or her ideology on when it’s a good time to punish. But should a person be punished for something they didn’t know about? This is why I say to newcomers to always define the rules before engaging in a relationship. Always. Because let me tell you something, I made the mistake of punishing my kitten for something that I disagreed with and she didn’t know about it, and it shook her to her core.

She felt like she disappointed me. And this scared her so much that she was frightened to respond in the future. See, the fault was with me. I was leading her wrongly. I had to step back from my ego and realise the bigger picture. So I sat her down and we talked about it openly and honestly and I apologised profusely and we became all the more better for it as a team.

So do I disagree with the punishment? Yes. I think that’s unwise and could only lead to resentment and further miscommunication in the future.
Secondly, the whole idea that I was to apologise feels like it’s more to do with insecurity then honour because my existence was already revealed. And I am happily in a relationship. Come on, man – I’m harmless, I’m like a pug, I make weird growling noises and I like to make friends with everyone.
In the end, I apologised because I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, especially when it’s such a minuscule situation in the grand scheme of things.

But it was interesting because the whole idea of issuing an apology feels like a power trip, like a showcase of Dominance from one Dom to another because of a territory thing. And fellas, while a little protectiveness is great, we are all animals after all, it’s not necessary for you because…well, is it really you being the better person in the situation? I get possessiveness, all too well and while I share a general distrust, one would say an unhealthy distrust, for others, I don’t think that bearing your teeth is the way to go. Especially if your submissive is the one that pays for it..

This all comes back to disciplining yourself and being the master of emotions. To be in control of any given situation.

Now, of course this example can be read many different ways and people are going to see things differently. This is my interpretation on a social issue and again, most definitely is not an attack on anyone’s character, just a friendly examination.

What say you?


Random Friend Requests on Fetlife (And Why It Can Bother Me)


Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s how I roll but I don’t like random people adding me without so much as a message saying “Hello” or at the very least “This is why I want to add you..” To me, it’s just polite to throw someone a message and get to know them before you get to know their insides.

You would’t walk up to a person in real life and be like “Hey, I think we should be friends – you look like someone I’d like to be around” so what makes it acceptable on the internet with social media?

I get it if you’re a ‘performer’ of sorts. I’ve had people on Fet add me and they have 4,000+ friends and are asking if we can all donate to paypal. That’s fair enough, that’s their job. Whatever. But if you’re not, I don’t understand. If it’s a loneliness situation, I feel that but maybe talk to me? I’m more than happy to talk back.

And this is the thing. I am more than happy to connect with anyone over Fet. Providing we know each other a little and get along, either really well, or just on a little level. Although, between you and me, I like to go all out and know people really well.

Collecting friends like baseball cards isn’t what I am interested in. I mean, is it a situation where we’re all just looking at nudes of each other and getting that fix OR are we looking at nudes of these people we’ve connected with — and there’s that special sort of universe established where we can swap tips and humorous stories, I don’t know.

If anyone from WordPress wanted to ask after my fetlife, I would say – sure. Email me and I’ll pass along my username. But send me a message so we can talk and get to know each other one on one so we can see if we get along and such.

But, that’s just me.


‘B’ is for Bestiality


When I was in my early twenties, I befriended a woman – I forget from where…an app off Facebook, I think? – but something just clicked and we became friends. Over time, I learnt she fancied me. That she had the same lightning strike sex drive. You know the one. Where you can’t quite get enough. Where it’s a frenzy. This was around the time that I was struggling in a relationship because I had a frenzy sex drive and my then-partner didn’t have much of one — and because I was Dominant. So to hear this from someone else was a breath of fresh air, really.

Anyway, one night over a jovial conversation, she says to me. “Okay, so I’ve never told anyone this before”

And I go, “What? What’s wrong?”

And she says “I just wanted to get off my chest to you that I’m into Bestiality…”

And I’m stunned. I’m, what, 22-23? This is the first person in my life to say such a thing – and you know what, she has been the last. I mean, before the words left her mouth, I may as well think of the act as a myth, talked about in hushed tones in the seediest of circles. But no, this perfectly normal, lovely – and she was lovely – girl is telling me about this over the internet.

But anyway, what was I supposed to do? I’m not about to vomit. I don’t cut all ties. I certainly don’t condone bestiality for a number of reasons but I’m not going to ignore it because I feel, for those that have urges, they shouldn’t feel distanced from me or anyone else. And because, I’m curious about the appeal within the mind of others.

So we talk about it. And she goes on to describe her fantasy to me, involving a horse. And you know what’s interesting here is not the bestiality itself, but the idea that this sensitive woman is having these primal urges. Natured or nurtured, she can’t help them – and that is what I find fascinating on a purely psychological level. So we talked about how. We talked about why. We talked about society. And we talked about the community into said desire.

I was even introduced into a Bestiality-Fantasy Roleplaying site where I could talk with the community and hear stories. It was quite intriguing just reading how others interact and what they find appealing, because I don’t find it appealing at all. It’s a whole other world to me and I enjoyed seeing and meeting the people in it.

A lot of this can manifest into not actually fucking an animal, but with pet play. Butt plugs come with tails now. My kitten and I hope to introduce a cage for her in the near future. Roleplaying just doesn’t stick to the internet, we all know, with the assortment of apparel and toys, your fantasy comes alive. You get to live that out, however you want.

Anyway, Her and I eventually drifted apart, as friends do. We caught up here or there but whatever thing that fuelled the conversations wasn’t there, it was simply part of a time and a place. We did reconnect on Facebook and then on Fetlife a while back but one day she didn’t pop up in the news feed anymore and I took that as a hint to leave things be.

I guess, for me, it was about uncovering new people, new experiences and learning to accept those, even if you can’t agree with it. I don’t ever want to dissuade anyone or make anyone feel they are a freak for their interests. I do draw the line at body harm, corpses and other outlandish stuff though. But I’m not about to piss on your sense of being and belittle you.

And now because I feel like I am rambling – I feel I should say ‘Class dismissed’.