Some Safety Measures For New Submissive’s

Since I started this blog, one of the most common things I hear or read about from anonymous submissive readers of mine is that they’re in a emotionally abusive relationship with a man who either doesn’t fully understand what it means to take the mantle of dominance, he doesn’t care in the slightest or he’s just being cruel and manipulative.

Today I wanted to write about some safety precautions for the new submissive out there, in the hopes that it open minds and even helps in some regards.

Let’s start with the false dominant. To me, a false dominant is someone who is abusing their status in malicious ways. To some of them, dominance is just a thrill for the moment, something to be discarded with once they find a release.

In a relationship a false dominant might restrict their submissive’s communication to their friends, might demand access to their apps and profile to monitor their activities. They will make decisions for their submissive – in a relationship where that aspect has not been agreed upon by both parties.

These types of dominants can skip straight to sexual talk when you meet them. They usually flash some charm until the shields are lowered and they can tap into what they want, like a mosquito. It’s the thrill, you see. It can be intoxicating to them.

Some might even demand things of you before an agreement has been established between the two parties, ignoring your self or interests for their own.

Sometimes months can pass between communication and the submissive will find herself baring every inch of her body and mind while she is given nothing in return from this person. It’s not equal or fair, it’s purely that everything is in this dominants favour. And it’s disgusting and unhealthy and abusive.

Safe, Sane and Consensual.

The most important concepts a new submissive can reflect on is that, no matter how inferior you feel to a dominant or to yourself, that’s simply not the case. Not only is the dominant or submissive equal in and out of the relationship unless a specific hierarchy is agreed upon before hand, the submissive has the power to choose, to give their body and mind to the dominant.

After all, you are giving control over and they should decide who is worth that control. No one can boss you or give you orders or dominant you until you give consent. If they argue otherwise, they’re just a plain jerk and not worth your time.

When I think of consent and think of negotiating the terms of what that looks like in a relationship, things are…ritualistic for me. Documents are involved, long late-night discussions take place. How consent occurs for me is irrelevant though – the point is that it is a discussion that needs to take place whether you are Fuck buddies or entering into something long term.

Even if it’s an idea you’re not sure of, raise the issue first, don’t let it fall on the back burner otherwise it can create some disturbances later in the relationship. It could fester.

Do some research into what you want to explore, look into the safety of what you want to explore – and know the limits of your mind. If you’re not sure what they are, be sure to state that it for when you reach that point in time so you – and your partner may know. And in doing so, FORMULATE a specific safe word for your limits, soft and hard.

Fantasy / Reality

This is tricky, in the sense that wanting something in a fantastical sense might not be the most realistic option – or the healthiest. I like to write about some dark things – rape among them – but I acknowledge these as a fantasy and not that reflective as me as a person or as a dominant.

Your head and your fantasies can be frightening – alienating and dark and animalistic – but this doesn’t mean you’re disgusting or awful. The difference here is that, of course you’d want these instances to occur, if at all, in a controlled setting or environment.

Understanding that line between fantasy and reality becomes easier the more fantastical thoughts that occur within your head – because you become used to accepting them and dealing with them – and in turn they help you apply this method of critical thinking when it comes to relationships.

You have a say

Just because you’re submissive doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in negotiating or any D/s concepts. You have a voice and I guarantee you that you have worth and your ideas are worth talking out loud and exploring.

Trust me when I say that your own voice will be appreciated by the right dominant. I, personally, love the input of a submissive mind. I want to hear their thoughts on the discussion and when I was negotiating with my own kitten, hearing her offer her own thoughts and fantasies was not only welcomed and a breath of fresh air from thinking in my own head – but it was sexy as well to hear what was lurking deep in her mind.

That’s all from me now – if you have any questions, my email is always open and you are welcome to write any time.

‘Under Protection’ – What Does It Mean?

When I was new to Fetlife and I saw the ‘under protection of…’ tag on profiles, I didn’t quite understand what it meant. It’s strange wording isn’t it? Sure, it says ‘under protection’, that person is protected – but by who? And what does that mean? And is it a platonic relationship or a romantic one? Just what does it entail?

It’s important to note that the use of the word has different meanings and this all depends on context. For example, a Dominant can be the protector of his or her submissive – but can also be a guidance for his or her trusted newcomer – a completely non-sexual relationship established together upon a set of decided rules.

Which isn’t for everyone, of course. There are those who view a protector as simply a predator preying on unsuspecting newcomers – and this can very much be the case, unfortunately. I hear of it happening time and time again. While others have stated if a person needs a protector in the first place, if they can’t apply critical thinking to what they want to approach, then maybe they should take a step back and wait.

There is also the view that the ‘under protection…’ tag on Fetlife is discouraging to those generally interested in the individual, that the tag does more harm than good and scares away folk.

One of the many viewpoints is that ‘to be under protection’ is to have a trusted friend that can talk you through the concepts of BDSM, vetting play partners (if that’s part of the agreement) and generally be there for you, either in person – to accompany you to live events – or online. What shape this ‘protection’ takes depends entirely on the individual and what they’d like.

If you’re thinking about wanting a protector or protecting someone, make absolutely sure you will define boundaries and terms and ideas, making sure you both are absolutely on the same page, otherwise that can lead to unnecessary drama and hurt and a breakdown in communication.

If you just met someone and you two are considering the label,take some time to get to know them. Talk often. Meet for a coffee date or organise a safe way to communicate online – be sure that they are a healthy fit for you and where you are now – and if you’re not confident or comfortable entirely with the idea, that’s okay too. We really do have all the time in the world.

At the end of the day, being somebody’s protector can mean entirely different things for entirely different people. It could be non-sexual, it could be a Friends-With-Benefits scenario where the submissive is accompanied to munches and clubs as moral support, it could just be moral support and a voice of guidance along the way, customised to an extent. It really depends on what people want and how people feel and I could be here all day discussing scenarios.

If you’re new to Fetlife and new to kink and this sounds appealing, try not to rush into it. Be careful. There are those out there who will abuse your trust to get their quick fix. They can easily be sussed out, their lack of interest and patience can be evident generally. Just be wary – but don’t despair! There’s plenty of good out there too.

The different meanings of being Dominant

 

Every so often, I stop and think about what it means exactly, for someone to be Dominant. And I get so caught up thinking about myself and my past and my future and how – in the present – I interact with my kitten. There’s a good and bad aspect to this for me.
The good side is that it allows me to reflect. Reflection is good. We get so caught up in our daily lives that we miss simple truths. Or sometimes we grow. Yes, we grow in mere months. Our tastes expand. What I wrote at the beginning of the blog you can find under “His Journals” and I am sure if I read that, I would add to it…and add to it….and add to it. I could keep adding and adding to it that it drove me mad. Here’s where the bad side of it comes in.

I’m sure I could think myself to death. Part and partial of having anxiety is that you think…and overthink…and overthink. It’s like a broken record. You go around and around and around thinking and analysing and coming to the truth, only it’s not the truth, there’s always a piece of information you missed, which means more thinking and more analysing. So I am going to add upon what I’ve said about the Dominant aspect and I’ll try my best to explain it and then somehow fight my compulsive behaviour to revisit and edit. Sigh. Bear with me.

But how is a person Dominant? It’s not just that he/she can top you in bed. Oh  no. Although, to be fair, there’s that. Which brings me to my next point: There’s a Dominant for the bedroom, maybe even outside, and then there’s a Dominant for the lifestyle.

The Dominant within the bedroom just wants to top sexually. They might even want to toy with the idea of owning you outside of the bedroom, purely for a sexual thrill. Like – wearing no panties to work or choosing your outfit for you. That sort of thing.

It’s when it begins to be not just about a sexual thrill but something far richer and deeper that it wanders into the territory of the ‘lifestyle’. And this is where a D/s relationship might come into play. The Dominant that wants in on the lifestyle is the Dominant I am, to use a personal example. If you’ll allow me to be more personal, it’s not enough that I dominant kitty in the bedroom. As wild and passionate and exhilarating that is, I need more. Because that side within me wants the tender love and ownership and control of the person out of the bedroom more than it does within.

It is insane the desire that fuels me to stroke her head and tuck her in. To want to read to her (We’re currently powering through Alice’s adventures in Wonderland of a night). To teach her to build up her confidence and let go of the chains. To nurture her and be a teacher to her. It extends to the symbolism of the collar. This desire to have her wear both a social collar, for privacy reasons in the workplace, and her own collar around the house. Why the desire to collar? Because she’s beautiful, sacred — fucking MINE. (And I can’t even begin to DESCRIBE the surge of possessiveness that came through my body writing that sentence). This beautiful, soulful kitten is mine. Those tender blue eyes, her gigantic ever-giving heart? MINE. Mine to protect.

And I love that. And I want to be her guardian and protector and I want to see that cute choke-worthy neck don that collar. It’s a complicated mess of emotions.

And that, for me, is Dominance within the lifestyle. A complicated mess of emotions, ranging from the deeply loving to the deeply brutal.

Now, of course, you can’t just define Dominance down to two categories – in the bedroom and deeper. I will, however, admit to disliking the individual that poses as a false Dominant when all they really want is sex. This angers me because, to me, that isn’t right. And it’s treating this beautiful man or woman as a cheap tool to which they will use to get off. NO. FUCKING NO. But I digress.

Every Dominant out there is going to take what a D/s lifestyle means to them and alter it how they want to because it suits them. It likes…parallel universes. Right now, there could be a parallel universe where I’m not writing but rather hanging out with my dogs because I felt you guys didn’t want another long-winding post. For every direction made, another universe is created in which the opposite choice is made. It’s science fiction but it’s kinda like that, every person shapes what’s being defined by other people as D/s and Dominant — to fit their life and it’ll go on and on like this for years, long past your existence or mine.

It’s complicated, it’s messy, it’s being Dominant. So if you find a growing interest in BDSM, if these interests start to go outside of the bedroom and start materialising in your personality and in your desire towards your partner or you’re own mind, then it’s the lifestyle for you. And the journey begins.

But, of course, it’s never that simple, is it?

The Mechanics of Fetlife

A few people have been asking me about how Fetlife operates. What’s it like? What do I do with it when I get there? Is it even worth getting?
I thought I’d take the time to talk a little bit about what it has meant for me and hopefully, this will open up something within yourself.

What’s Fetlife? It’s a social online hang out for people who live BDSM and are interested in the D/s relationship. There are a few places like Fetlife but the appearance of Fetlife and its community make it, if not THE BEST, then one of the best places to safely explore your desires. It’s not about hooking up, although there is that if you desire it.

If you’ve chosen to get Fetlife, the first you’ll want to do is fill out your About Me. Have a think about it – who are you? What are you interested in exploring? Let it become something uniquely you. Don’t go out of your way to impress anyone – to hell with that. You know why? Because you’re unique as you are and if the person is good enough, they’ll see that.

A few hours after signing up, you’ll be greeted with a message from a friendly moderator. It’s not automatic and each moderator has his or her unique voice. Ask them anything and remember: the only silly question is the one not asked.

What about profile pictures? Use whatever you like. Artwork, tantalising quotes, nudes. I have put up nudes of myself as a challenge to my shy nature. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to relish in my sexual awakening. You should to. Experiment with it, flirt with it. But don’t rush it. Take your time. You have nothing but time.

From there, you can join groups. Groups on Fetlife consist of anything from lovers of a distinct fetish coming together or social gatherings in your local area. You’d be surprised at how many social gatherings there are around you. Be open to them but again: take your time.
Groups can be entirely non sexual. You can find groups for gamers and more, just have fun looking around.

If you’re looking for someone, there are local personal ads. It should go without saying to beware of the creeps. It’s mostly a friendly community but creeps do exist, given the subject matter.

Lastly, don’t be overwhelmed. Have fun, explore. Don’t run away from it. It is daunting to see people so open about their kinks and nudity but don’t let that dissuade you, let it wash over you. Try exploring writing – journal your thoughts. It doesn’t have to be an essay or gracefully written. Raw is more beautiful anyway so let your thoughts flow. No one will judge you because everyone on that site is all in it together.

It sounds like I’m tooting the horn of Fetlife. Maybe I am a bit. But it’s helped me and maybe it might just help you.

If you still have any questions, my email is always open. 24/7. And I check it every day or as often as I can. Don’t hesitate. Ever.

Myself and Fetlife

Some of you have been asking about me and if I am on Fetlife. I am indeed. But it being a tad more personal than this here blog, I prefer to keep that separate from my ramblings. So: if you really want to find me on Fetlife, send me an email, get to know me outside of the apparently terrifying erotica that I write.

I, like many others blogging, enjoy the anonymity and won’t just throw my profile away to just anyone. It’s full of my personal ramblings, not to mention certain…photos and before I let people know where I reside in that little slice of heaven, I’d like to get to know you one on one. Make it personal. You and me – the only people in a restaurant, eating fine food and enjoying fine conversation.

As for people new to Fetlife, I just want to stress to the submissive audience that it’s quite important you be careful of False Dominants. Submission is a beautiful, wondrous gift. Never forget this. It would utterly break my heart if I knew a woman – or man – was being preyed upon. So, stay strong and confident and remember how important you are!

Spotting the false dominant

If the whole point of the role is for him – or her – to be charge, how do submissive’s new to the BDSM and/or the D/s relationship world know the difference between a healthy Dominant and perhaps an unstable one?

First off, if he’s failing to take care of your wellbeing, physically and emotionally, that’s a big warning sign right there. Dominants dominate — to a point. The planning and acting out of every little detail in a BDSM or D/s environment take more care because you are dealing with something far more delicate and exposed – the raw part of someone else’s mind. You will have to constantly think how this will affect your submissive and in what way? If it’s in a negative way, if it doesn’t serve a positive purpose, then you’re doing it wrong. It’s a delicate balance. The false dominant doesn’t care about this, only his sexual release. He’ll use what this soulful vessel that is the submissive’s body and use it for his own personal gain, either unaware of the possible damage it may do or just not caring.

The Dominant is your teacher, your lover and your friend. If he is not guiding you, taking care of your body or is not interested in how you are feeling or what you are thinking then he’s not the true Dominant you want. You don’t want that person, that negative influence in your life.

So if you’re new to the lifestyle, consider this: Is your Dominant asking how you feel about everything he puts forth? Are they making you feel safe and secure, with your own safe word, at all times? Are they interested in your emotional wellbeing or how you feel about the experiments and explorations he puts on the table? Because if he doesn’t do those things, if he doesn’t take care of your heart and soul, as you’ve either given to him, then he is not really worth it, is he?