Balancing The Scales: On Anxiety and Giving Guidance

When it comes to helping people, there’s always this part of my mind that jumps to feeling guilty about it. And at the same time that I know why I feel guilty, I don’t really know why I know why I feel guilty.

I recognise it though, this feeling of imposing, of bugging, of intruding. I know it comes from a lack of self confidence. Which comes from my teenage years, of being soft spoken, of having a quiet voice and of doubting each word that comes out of your mouth.

I’ve been anxious before I knew what anxiety really was and could create. And maybe that’s always been with me, and IS with me as I stumble along in the dark.

I offer my help – to readers here, because of my own struggles in my journeys. But when I do so, I’m hit with a wave of questions, more noticeably one that asks – why is this so important to you?

I’ve wrote about this before, this Daddy-esque feeling, this overwhelming desire to console and guide where help or guidance is needed. And it doesn’t just stop at BDSM and the lifestyle, it extends to any issue. It extends to friends. To friends of friends. To strangers. To family.

I’ve written to my lady’s friends when I sense a troubled mind in their posts. And I can’t help it. You better believe I fight it. I don’t want to sound like I’m preying on a vulnerable time, I don’t want to sound or feel like a creep – yet I’m driven forward by this need to offer help.

I don’t offer it aggressively. Or repeatedly. I mean, I do here but that’s only because I sometimes want to reach out to new followers because I sometimes receive a private message in which the person states they’ve been working up the courage to write to me – and I don’t know why, because I’m the friendly neighbourhood teddy bear.

But I offer help gently. Once, and then I’m gone. The old me would’ve obsessed with stressing it’s okay to write to me but now I know best to leave it to the individual. They will if they want.

So: I don’t know why I feel like I’d be intruding. Maybe it’s just residual anxious thoughts best left to throw out with the trash. Maybe it’s more important – a defect in my mind? I’m all for a balance and if I have a need to help and guide, what’s on the other scale?

All I know is I can be driven by a need to help anyone either from this blog or otherwise. It’s my honour. And sometimes I feel bad about that.

Unsure About How To Write In To Me? Please Read This…

 

Every so often – probably to the point that maybe it’s redundant? I cannot tell – I like to put up little messages encouraging anyone whose contemplating about writing in to do so.

 

Whether it’s just to say hello (I love meeting anyone), whether you wanted to write to me about a piece in private (I encourage any criticism) or whether you had a question regarding BDSM or kinks (I am driven by a desire to help), I encourage you to do so.

 

If you are reading this and you’ve wanted to write to me but you fall under these mindsets –

 

  • He must be busy. I won’t bother him.
  • I know I’ll sound like a noob.
  • Everything I write sounds stupid.
  • I’m too young / old.
  • My shyness is a huge barrier.

 

I want you to know that I check my email daily and if I am busy, know I’ll reply ASAP.

I don’t mind any inexperience. I was young and inexperienced once upon a time as well. I don’t hold that against anyone. It’d take a cruel human to do so.

 

I probably should care about age restrictions – I am a stranger and some exploit that – but it’s a tricky thing – I was a naïve teenager scouring the net for help. I was a struggling adult looking for a place to belong. I wish I had help with these things. So know that even if you don’t need help, you’re not alone. I’m here; this blog and its community are here too.

 

Honestly, ‘just write’ is the best advice I can give to anyone that’s hesitant to speak up or email. I used to hate it. I sometimes still do. Why do you think I started this besides wanting to help? To combat my own anxieties and hesitancies.

 

Sit down, write to yourself or to me, just let any frustration out. It doesn’t matter how long, it doesn’t matter how coarse or unrefined it is – it’s out now. And maybe that’s a start.

 

So please – you don’t have to do it alone. If you feel lost, if you feel backed in the corner, if you feel like a freak, just know that my email is always open to you. I have never closed it and still check.

 

And if you don’t need help, if you still feel like a fool, if you think your interests make you a freak, know there is nothing wrong with you. This is the beginning of a beautiful journey and no matter what, you’ll be fine. If someone like me can find a spot in the sun, then so can you.

 

Everything in between is a baby step.

 

For those interested in contacting me, my email is darkanddominant@hotmail.com

-TD&D

This Blog Has Gone International

 

So I took a look at my stats just now – it’s something I like to do once in a while, just to gauge how some writings are working for people – and I couldn’t help but notice this blog has kind of gone international, which is really effing cool.

 

I mean, I started out in a dark bedroom, nervous as hell that what I was writing was going to be perceived as weird and naïve. I’m still that way after three years writing here, though less so.

 

Never ever did I think I’d get much of a response from anyone, let alone reach places like Mexico or South Africa.

 

Before I get giddy about all things writing, internet and stats, I just want to say thank you to each and everyone of you. Even if you don’t comment, are shy to comment, whether your English isn’t good (in your eyes) or you don’t know where to start. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. This support means a tremendous amount and helps me to write, even on my most anxious days.

 

Now, for anyone interested: USA is the biggest source of hits most days, usually followed the UK and Australia. That may or may not be myself and my kitten though. If any Aussies are lurking, please stand up! It’d be nice to connect.

 

Outside of those top three, things vary. I’m not a tech guy, I don’t know what’s a genuine reader or a bot. For all I know, AI could be taking a liking to BDSM and found my blog. There’s a Sci-Fi story for later – an artificial person discovers BDSM and yearns to be human.

 

Anyway.

 

Usually Canada knocks Australia out of the top three, sometimes it’s Germany that takes that place. Spain, Brazil, Portugal, France – these are all places I’d never ever thought I could connect to.

 

I’m not going to delude myself. Not everyone that comes by would like my writing, that’s the nature of the beast. I know this. Still though, I am just like a kid in a candy store, just grateful and giddy and eager to know everything and I’ve always been a bit of a chatterbox despite any language barrier or difference of opinion.

 

So. If You’d Like, feel free to drop by the comments section and say hello. If you are self conscious, feel free to email. If you feel you aren’t good with English, write anyway. I love language, I would work to translate and communicate.

 

But absolutely no obligation to anyone.

 

I’m just happy you guys are along for the ride.

 

Let’s Ask Questions: 2018 Edition!

 

As it’s the start of 2018 and there are new people coming to my blog, I thought I would put out another one of these Q/A blog post / threads and give the opportunity for anyone to ask any questions, should they so desire.

Of course, if you are comfortable sending an email, you’re welcome to write to my email, even if it’s just an anxious info dump. Lord knows I do it on this here blog.

Anyway. I found an interesting question out there that I wanted to tackle:

Are Dominants possessive towards women?

Protective, yes. Possessive? I don’t think so.

It’s difficult to talk without a scenario to relate to so I’ll use my own relationship.
My lady has her own independence. She’ll go out with friends, she’ll go for drinks or stop over, whatever the case may be.
I’m not jealous of that. I have no interest in saying she cannot lead her own life, because even in a D/s relationship I think there needs to be this space for independent growth. I think that is healthy.

Keep in mind, she asks for my permission each time and am sure, if I said no I don’t like that idea, she would come home and sit by me. But as I stated above, it’s a healthy thing for her to have that time without me. We can get back to our bubble, our roles and our sex when we come together again.

Now a M/s dynamic would be a little different. I can’t say, because each person has a different opinion.
Perhaps a little possessiveness is endearing, I know my lady feels that way about me.

But if it’s unhealthy, if one person is feeling trapped and suffocating, if a Dominant becomes unreasonable and unapproachable in their possessiveness, I think perhaps it would be a good time to take a step back and reflect and digest on the situation.

That being said, don’t be shy now! The only silly question is the one not asked.

Do Not Let Anxiety Re-wire Your Mind

 

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Whether this is taken as a piece of armour to wear into the week or whether it’s taken as a word of good will in the moment, I wanted to tell you that it’s going to be okay.

I know, I know. I talk a lot about anxiety and not enough about kink – but something struck me during a recent panic attack.

If anxiety is so powerful it can alter memories and convince you of the bad, what kind of effect would that have on your future goals?

I’m guilty of avoiding places / people involved with my anxiety sometimes, because there’s a trigger effect that takes time to fade.

And after I had my attack, I wondered: What would this do to someone interested in the lifestyle, interested in rebooting their life, but when anxiety hits, they throw it all away out of fear, and in the interest of keeping things comfortable.

If I just described you, let me give you some advice: Let the fog clear. Take a mental health day, whatever comforts your mind, and let that fog clear. Because when it does, the answers to the questions you’ve been asking will most likely not be fueled by anxiety and will, in fact, be truthful.

When you’re sitting at the threshold of this new world, hand on the door that will lead you to information about yourself you’d never thought of in your wildest dreams, it’s easy to leave that door closed. Hell, I did it for most of my twenties out of pure fear.

What if I told you, leaning on a dark cane, dressed in a black suit and crimson tie, like some sort of BDSM Willy Wonka, that everything you’ve ever wondered about yourself is beyond this door.

That, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, there is a key behind there to your very existence.

I would warn you that there might be a labyrinth Beyond this door. Maybe there’s a limitless number of doors waiting to be opened for you as you progress, with little resting bays waiting in the wings for you to take break when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Enough with the psychedelic metaphors – my message is this: Don’t let anxiety drive. If it does, don’t despair about turning that car around and making up for lost time.

It may often feel that you’re taking one step forward and two steps back but — progress is progress. Even if it’s slow and doesn’t feel like it, you are still moving forward to the next door.

So: Things to take away from this read, if you’re here:

1. Don’t be dissuaded by anxiety. If Silent Hill protagonists can move through the fog, so can you.
2. Remember to take a break from absorbing information if things become overwhelming. It was for each of us, and when you’ve passed by the sensation, you can say the same to the next group of new people.
3. Try not to run from the future. Anxiety will tell you you’re a fool, but you’re not. Let the fog clear and take baby steps.
4. If you feel like you can never break free of anxiety’s funk, you’re wrong. With a little sunshine, and a tonne of patience, you will find you can lead a normal life.

THAT BEING SAID,

If you have any questions regarding this post, the lifestyle, calming techniques for anxiety or just need a mentor for a moment, please feel free to message me at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

And remember, If I can do this, so can you.

2017: My Year In Review

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For me, 2017 was very much a year of progression of me. Not just in my relationship, which grows and expands each day, but in my life – my legacy. The thing I’ll take with me to the next life.

To avoid a headache, I’ll split and reflect on what I’ve encountered in a few sub headings. Let’s do this.

Some Kind of Divine Comedy

I started this year in a transitory position. Still in a new relationship, I navigated my way through the end of my college work and back out into adulthood.

Through all this, if I was Dante, Kitten was my Virgil. My guide through it all.

When I was anxious, when I doubted myself, when I sat slumped on the couch and said I should stop writing on this blog, for what do I have left to give? — Well, Kitten was there to slap me upside my head and tell me to relax.

It helped. More than I could put into words. In this blog or TO her.

Me, Myself and I

As I juggled the end of college, I also did a wee bit of mentoring as well.
For those new to the blog and wondering what mentoring details exactly, think of it like this: A mentor is there to help someone who needs a reliant source of information. Instead of, say, a delayed response on a blog, email is there as an option, as are other social networking means. Occasionally, I’ll offer up my kik, as I’m usually there chatting to mates any way.

I reassure, I answer questions. Occasionally I give ideas that might help in areas of insecurity or discipline. Anything that will act as a positive reinforcement. And what do I get out of it? Fulfilment. The knowledge that I have helped people.

It’s been a wonderful thing, because I have seen these people move on to beautiful harmony with their own partners. And it’s nice to know that I could help, even if it’s in a minuscule way.

Beyond Mentoring, I’ve challenged myself in my writing – to think outside of the box. To change. To say something different, so I don’t get stuck in monotone gear.

The results are…a work in progress. I have a default writing mode. A default writing voice. I need to figure out how to progress.

The Master in Me

In my own down time, I’ve done some reflecting on how my own feelings have changed and morphed in the year. There’s an element of a Master to me, I have discovered. A personality trait that comes out when provoked, taking sadistic glee in the humiliation of others and in his own Slave.

I say ‘element of a Master’ because I’m a weird sort of hybrid Dominant. I have so many traits within me and the one that is usually present most of my conscious days is the Daddy Dom that nurtures Kitten.

It’s a weird balance, you see. But it’s the only way I can make sense of everything that floats around my head.

Last but not least

The relationship between my kitten and I has been ever-smooth. Ever changing for the good, revealing new personality traits that are quite the spark – especially for my stories!

And yet, through all this, I find the need to push myself. For her. For myself.

It’s easy, I think, to get in the trap of living day to day in your own mind that you forget you are leading someone, taking care of someone. And I need to beat myself up less for that, while improving my mind. To be better for myself, for her, and for how my dominant self fits into the dynamic of the world around me.

Beyond that, dear reader, I am now 30. I am no longer the ‘twenty-something’ guy that started this blog. So what does the future hold in store for me? For me in the world? For kitten and I?

I’m sure you’ll find out as soon as I do. In the meantime, you should review and reflect as well.

Dear Teenagers Nervous About BDSM…

When you’re a teenager and you’re navigating your sexuality, it can feel like the scariest thing in the world.

Who can you talk to? How do you learn? Can you talk to adults on the web or will they think you’re silly and turn you away like the others have? Worst case scenario: Will they abuse your trust and attempt to flirt with you?

It wasn’t easy in the age of no internet and it certainly isn’t easy now even with all this information at your fingertips ready to be absorbed.

As a perverted teenager into BDSM, I found my way by falling a lot. And often stood in circles listening to others laugh or frown at the very idea of BDSM and other such kink related things.

If things are overwhelming you, if you feel like you’re trapped and cannot talk to anyone without feeling ashamed or – worse – invalid – then I’ve got a few concepts for you to consider:

You’re Not Alone

Your sexual thoughts, your desires, and your questions do not – I repeat – DO NOT make you – silly, stupid, invalid, wrong, a freak, disgusting – any of those things.

I guarantee you that whatever you’re feeling or thinking or even fantasising about, someone has experienced that before. That’s not to say you aren’t unique – because each of us ARE – rather it means the kink you think is rare or weird isn’t as rare or weird as you think.

I used to feel the same way. I mean, I was a teen with a brother-sister incest fantasy. And you know what? That led me to other people who felt as weird as I did.

The weird thing about the universe is that it leads you to certain people. They’ll be drawn to you and vice versa. Something to consider when the going gets tough.

 

Journal Your Thoughts, Fears and Dreams

What do you fantasise about? What do you want to explore? What keeps you up at night? Write it down.

When it comes to you, your mind and the page, you’d be surprised where your mind goes and what you write down.

I used to keep a journal of all my feelings – and that damned thing survived three relationships and a fuck tonne of moping.

More than this, you might find yourself discovering new things about the way your mind works.

You learn to analyse in a way, and in doing so you find yourself coming back to a moment that can help define whatever it is you are seeking or whatever you are exploring.

So long as you are truthful with yourself, you can go as deep into your psyche as you want to learn about your ticks.

 

The Only Silly Question Is The One Not Asked

I used to hate asking questions. Why? Because I felt like a total idiot. I felt like a bother. And I always felt like the person I was asking didn’t feel like they should have to explain it – and that’s partly on me and my anxieties and partly on the personality of the individual.

IF you come across a person who seems annoyed or aggressive because of you asking questions, chances are they’re not the person you should be asking. So don’t take that as a reflection of you, some people just don’t want that job of answering questions. That’s on them. NOT on you.

My advice to teenagers is this: Find your voice, gather your words, and practice speaking openly. No question is too wild or dumb, because that is how you learn. So one day you might help someone else in need.

I suffered low self esteem. I hated my voice. I mumbled and was quiet. I screwed up words constantly. I had to discipline myself to be okay with asking questions – to speak up. And if a lowly person such as myself can do it, you can do it too!

 

Challenge Your Mind Constantly

Push your boundaries. Be open to new experiences, new sights, new sounds.

Do you struggle with body issues? Try being nude more, just doing small everyday things like cleaning your room, listening to music. Become use to your body. Love who you are. Is there a kink you don’t like? Why? Define your answers, explore your reasoning. Is there an act that makes you uncomfortable? What is it? Why does it affect you so?

Lastly: Do not be afraid of your inner darkness. Some people, when they are confronted with their true selves, run away screaming.

But you can only run so far before you form a circle and end up face to face with your primal side, if such a thing lays dormant within you.

If it does, remember this: You’ve survived it before, you can do it again.

 

Talk To Someone If You Need To

Absolutely this. If there’s a recurring worry, if there’s a nightmare that’s woken you up, if you have a general question, consider talking to your closest friend. Consider writing to a blog writer or forum. There are many avenues you can choose to find help, it is never too late and there is never a limit to how many questions you can ask. If things are overwhelming, never ever hesitate – I cannot stress this enough.

On top of that, you can always feel free to email me if you have something to say, need advice, have a question, just need to write after a bad dream – anything.

My contact is in the ABOUT ME section of the blog.

It may feel like things are overwhelming, like there is too much information out there.

If you’re a teenager and you feel cornered and alone and just need advice, you’re not alone. I’m here to talk to, night or day. If you write in, no matter how jumbled you may feel your words will be, I’ll write back. I promise.

And if you ever feel you can’t possibly learn all these new things, remember – baby steps. One day at a time. In time, you’ll learn all you want to know.

If I can do it, you can.