How Can You Tell If You’re Dominant Or Submissive?

Ladies and gents, I’m kinda stumped.

Early in the week, I was talking to a lady about how to implement kink into her marriage with her husband, when she ran a question by me – How do you know if you’re Dominant?

I answered that question best I could in the moment, running my own experiences with identifying the feeling by her, hoping it would connect somehow. But now, days later, I’m still thinking it over. I don’t really know HOW. It all seems so organic looking back.

I have also recently had someone ask me If they’re still fully submissive if they enjoy being bratty – there’s a lot of misunderstanding about the persona and how it applies to the individual.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of confused and alone people out there with a laundry list of questions and no one to ask. I’m more than happy to answer anything anyone has to ask, be you male, female, teenager, adult, new to the lifestyle or in the middle of a transformation or even someone with an inkling of kinkling.

Anyway, I thought I would try to the answer the question at length, hoping newcomers to BDSM might relate and it can help them in their own journey.

In the beginning, I had these feelings that I had understanding of. I didn’t know I could file my name calling under ‘Degradation and Humiliation’ nor did I understand why I was so interested in control – in exercising authority over my girlfriend. In these stages, there was no real sense of D/s and aftercare because I was immature and these feelings were immature and coarse and unrefined.

Before I continue, let me just write that there’s no absolute way for one person. Everyone is different and works differently.

I should say that my own development has come with a certain degree of blind luck. I met certain people at the right time in my life, people like me, through Fetlife or the semi-sketchy anonymous confessional app Whisper. I was a lucky bastard. I had the blessing of shaping who I was through encounters along my twenties.

Fetlife was a big player in my path, I would say. By signing up and looking around, I could see I wasn’t alone. I could even put a name to my kinks and thus have some semblance of understanding.

Google helped too, in a way, acting as a gateway to all sorts of media – books, images, blogs, people, Kink. Suddenly I knew of words like ‘Dominance’ and ‘submission’ and ‘dynamic’. Combine this with Fetlife and I had opportunities to feel the gravitational force to someone who was submissive. I’m talking, heart racing, cock hardening, breath quickening gravitational forces that helped me realise something was within me.

I know what you’re wondering. ‘Okay, but how does someone know if they’re dominant? Or even submissive?’

The best advice I can give is that it starts with an idea. Have a google of key concepts that come to mind when you think of BDSM – blindfolding, handcuffs, dirty talk. Start small. See if something strikes up your fancy.

If you want to reach deeper, have a look at concepts within a D/s relationship, such as setting tasks and rules and maintaining order. See if any of these concepts appeal to you on a base level. Try not to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information – there can be a lot to learn but you can easily break it up into easily digestible parts.

Start small. Start light. A bit of spanking, a bit of issuing commands – talk to your partner about what they would like to try and see if it strikes a chord with you on any level.

The last advice I can give is to be open to yourself and to your partner. That goes for likes and dislikes and even if you’re uninterested. But always be open to trying at least. You never know what you’ll find on the road less travelled.

We Are The Masters Of Our Own Fate

I was cleaning my MacBook and I stumbled across some old text messages that dated back before my relationship with my lady (Thanks, iMessage!) and one of the files was from a Fetlifer I befriended on my travels before losing contact – and something she expressed to me, which has since struck a chord again here in the future, was her pull of submission towards her ex, who, for whatever reason – maybe he was manipulating her, maybe he himself was trapped in that comforting yet vicious cycle, maybe they were working things out – felt that same animalistic pull.

Now I don’t want to seem like I’m focusing on the negative here, but something I have come to read a lot of, and occasionally sense first hand in relationships, some right before my eyes, is this dysfunctional relationship between a submissive and a dominant.

It could be a conscious thing. I have heard many stories of men, thinking they understand Dominance, abuse the power with malicious intent. I’ve heard of submissive women feeling trapped, either in their marriage to a controlling man or maybe they’re feeling different in a irreparable way, maybe it’s a man, stuck on how to express his feelings, either to his wife, or about his own sexuality, maybe he is unable to proceed with his dominance because the progress eludes him – the variables are endless.

The thing is…we are the captains of our own ship. We are the masters of our fate. Today may be a shit day but tomorrow may be better, if not a step towards being better. Something that people don’t realise, I certainly forget often, is — you’re in this for the long game. Progress takes time. You’ve got to fight like hell even when you feel you’re already there.

For submissive folk, don’t you ever feel weak. Realising you’re submissive takes great courage. Tapping into that submission takes great bravery. Exploring the aspirations of a submissive and it’s dynamic qualities takes tremendous strength.

Always remember that submission isn’t just simply obeying a dominant persona. It’s choosing a dominant persona. It’s granting access to your heart and mind. That takes guts, that takes a certain fearlessness. You should be proud of yourself.

For Dominant folk, remember that being dominant is so much more than protocol and order and sexual gratification, it’s love and trust and harnessing your mind – not just yourselves but the mind of your submissive. It’s about being tender, about being attentive and it’s about care. Here and now and in the future.

And if Dominance and submission is a one night thing, see it has tender and care and harnessing minds for that brief period. There’s still a moment that takes patience and respect into equation.

More importantly, and I speak to both dominants and submissives, don’t let someone walk over you. Don’t let someone boss you around. Don’t let your current situation, of destructive or helpless, put you down – because you can strive for a better future in which all is harmonious. And you can achieve that. It’ll take time, you may need to reboot your life, but you will survive so long as you believe in a positive future and in yourself.

You’ve got this.

Regarding Personal Emails

I wanted to touch base quickly, before launching into another post, about emailing me. I answer every and any email, I always will. Sometimes it launches a lovely little chain in which two strangers swap stories and share a laugh, sometimes resources and advice is exchanged, sometimes I cannot help and apologise profusely.

 

On rare occasions, I forget to reply. This could be a number of reasons – I subscribe to a bunch of talented individuals and miss the personal name in amongst the others, other times I genuinely think I’ve replied when it’s just a daydream – which is as baffling as Déjà vu – and sometimes I go through anxious periods where I can’t talk or write. It sounds selfish, but I just can’t find it in me to write. This is a common thing with me, I find. The shows I love have no meaning, my favourite past times become unthinkable. That’s anxiety.

 

However.

 

If I’ve missed your email, or have not responded, do not – I repeat – DO NOT – EVER think that it’s a conscious decision on my behalf. If I haven’t replied in under a week, stick it to me. Don’t let me get away with it.

 

I know, I know – chasing someone up is uncomfortable, you start to wonder – do they care enough? Maybe I’m being a pest? Maybe they’re too busy? Worst case scenario – they’re an awful human being. You don’t have to chase me up, because it’s my responsibility as I’ve offered to communicate in the first place, but I wanted to reassure anyone that no, I am rarely too busy to reply, I wouldn’t offer if I was worried about pests and I definitely care about helping anyone where I possibly can.

 

I wanted to write this because I replied to an old email from a reader just now and I had wondered, as I often do, if there was an individual out there that had wondered whether or not it was okay to approach me personally still or if it was okay to ‘spam’ email me.

 

It’s perfectly fine to do both, should you feel the need. I welcome an open dialogue, be it questions about the lifestyle, about personal issues, about how I write – anything.

To those I’ve replied to in a late manner, I apologise from the bottom of my heart. I certainly hope it hasn’t discouraged you from speaking up in future, either again to me or otherwise.

– TD&D

50 Facts You May Not Know About Me!

I was inspired by another user’s post / challenge to write 50 facts you may not know about me. I hope you enjoy these!

  1. I write music and sing! I couldn’t put it into a genre – it’s me, a keyboard and my hopes, my dreams and my nightmares.
  2. You best believe I once masturbated in the bathroom of a KFC restaurant many moons ago. Was it finger licking good? You know it.
  3. My very first BDSM experience was with humiliation and degradation.
  4. I’m an avid gamer and reader and movie buff.
  5. I’m also a bit of a metalhead, though I’ve certainly softened in my later years.
  6. Oreos are an addiction to me.
  7. I will be reading several books at once, because I often start one before finishing the other – and the cycle continues.
  8. I’m a huge Disney animations fan.
  9. I will randomly sing songs from West Side Story.
  10. My first erotic story was an incestuous lesbian story.
  11. I am often incredibly tough on myself and any mistakes I’ve made in the past.
  12. I have been told my voice is calming. It has been said on multiple occasions that it makes the individual drowsy. Do with that information what you will.
  13. I kissed a girl and I liked it.
  14. I have been caught naked indoors and outdoors.
  15. I have no tattoos because I am concerned with how strange they’ll look when I am older.
  16. I rarely make a decision without obsessing over every miniscule detail first.
  17. I once edged for six hours and came intensely. And it hurt like a motherfucker for hours afterwards. The good kind of ache.
  18. I will often embarrass myself to get a laugh out of anyone. Laughter is the best.
  19. I am a Libra.
  20. Storms arouse me.
  21. A drunk man serenaded me with Pearl Jam songs on a train once. He was actually pretty good.
  22. I sleep naked each and every night, even in the winter.
  23. Speaking of Winter, it’s my least favourite season.
  24. Buffy is one of my favourite TV shows.
  25. I find the word ‘Fuck’ to be incredibly sexy to say in some situations.
  26. I relieve stress by creative endeavours – writing, reading.
  27. I saw the ghost of a little girl once. And no one believes me.
  28. I am quite forgetful sometimes and remember the most random things.
  29. I keep a dream journal for the most weird / sexiest dreams.
  30. I adore the horror genre.
  31. I love the language of Spain.
  32. Psychology, and the psychology of the things around us, fascinates me.
  33. I often like to talk, and often don’t like to talk.
  34. I mentor because I’m not so sure the universe wants me any other way.
  35. I am often up late in the day and early into the night.
  36. I don’t drink and occasionally smoke cigars.
  37. Having a friend interested in having sex with a horse is still at the top of wildest things I’ve encountered sexually.
  38. I like to dance. No style in particular, just feel the music and move my body.
  39. I don’t have a bucket list of things to achieve.
  40. I like wearing novelty t shirts.
  41. The Haunted Mansion is one of my favourite Disney rides.
  42. I like to sing Ave Maria in the shower.
  43. I like to sing anything in the shower.
  44. I often exhaust people because my mind runs quicker than my mouth and I’m jumping from topic to topic.
  45. I’m a big Clint Eastwood fan.
  46. I don’t think I could ever stop reaching out to people / helping people.
  47. I generally avoid confrontations.
  48. I do a lot of my writing of the blog at night.
  49. I’m terribly sadistic.
  50. I am currently wearing no underwear.

Balancing The Scales: On Anxiety and Giving Guidance

When it comes to helping people, there’s always this part of my mind that jumps to feeling guilty about it. And at the same time that I know why I feel guilty, I don’t really know why I know why I feel guilty.

I recognise it though, this feeling of imposing, of bugging, of intruding. I know it comes from a lack of self confidence. Which comes from my teenage years, of being soft spoken, of having a quiet voice and of doubting each word that comes out of your mouth.

I’ve been anxious before I knew what anxiety really was and could create. And maybe that’s always been with me, and IS with me as I stumble along in the dark.

I offer my help – to readers here, because of my own struggles in my journeys. But when I do so, I’m hit with a wave of questions, more noticeably one that asks – why is this so important to you?

I’ve wrote about this before, this Daddy-esque feeling, this overwhelming desire to console and guide where help or guidance is needed. And it doesn’t just stop at BDSM and the lifestyle, it extends to any issue. It extends to friends. To friends of friends. To strangers. To family.

I’ve written to my lady’s friends when I sense a troubled mind in their posts. And I can’t help it. You better believe I fight it. I don’t want to sound like I’m preying on a vulnerable time, I don’t want to sound or feel like a creep – yet I’m driven forward by this need to offer help.

I don’t offer it aggressively. Or repeatedly. I mean, I do here but that’s only because I sometimes want to reach out to new followers because I sometimes receive a private message in which the person states they’ve been working up the courage to write to me – and I don’t know why, because I’m the friendly neighbourhood teddy bear.

But I offer help gently. Once, and then I’m gone. The old me would’ve obsessed with stressing it’s okay to write to me but now I know best to leave it to the individual. They will if they want.

So: I don’t know why I feel like I’d be intruding. Maybe it’s just residual anxious thoughts best left to throw out with the trash. Maybe it’s more important – a defect in my mind? I’m all for a balance and if I have a need to help and guide, what’s on the other scale?

All I know is I can be driven by a need to help anyone either from this blog or otherwise. It’s my honour. And sometimes I feel bad about that.

Unsure About How To Write In To Me? Please Read This…

 

Every so often – probably to the point that maybe it’s redundant? I cannot tell – I like to put up little messages encouraging anyone whose contemplating about writing in to do so.

 

Whether it’s just to say hello (I love meeting anyone), whether you wanted to write to me about a piece in private (I encourage any criticism) or whether you had a question regarding BDSM or kinks (I am driven by a desire to help), I encourage you to do so.

 

If you are reading this and you’ve wanted to write to me but you fall under these mindsets –

 

  • He must be busy. I won’t bother him.
  • I know I’ll sound like a noob.
  • Everything I write sounds stupid.
  • I’m too young / old.
  • My shyness is a huge barrier.

 

I want you to know that I check my email daily and if I am busy, know I’ll reply ASAP.

I don’t mind any inexperience. I was young and inexperienced once upon a time as well. I don’t hold that against anyone. It’d take a cruel human to do so.

 

I probably should care about age restrictions – I am a stranger and some exploit that – but it’s a tricky thing – I was a naïve teenager scouring the net for help. I was a struggling adult looking for a place to belong. I wish I had help with these things. So know that even if you don’t need help, you’re not alone. I’m here; this blog and its community are here too.

 

Honestly, ‘just write’ is the best advice I can give to anyone that’s hesitant to speak up or email. I used to hate it. I sometimes still do. Why do you think I started this besides wanting to help? To combat my own anxieties and hesitancies.

 

Sit down, write to yourself or to me, just let any frustration out. It doesn’t matter how long, it doesn’t matter how coarse or unrefined it is – it’s out now. And maybe that’s a start.

 

So please – you don’t have to do it alone. If you feel lost, if you feel backed in the corner, if you feel like a freak, just know that my email is always open to you. I have never closed it and still check.

 

And if you don’t need help, if you still feel like a fool, if you think your interests make you a freak, know there is nothing wrong with you. This is the beginning of a beautiful journey and no matter what, you’ll be fine. If someone like me can find a spot in the sun, then so can you.

 

Everything in between is a baby step.

 

For those interested in contacting me, my email is darkanddominant@hotmail.com

-TD&D

This Blog Has Gone International

 

So I took a look at my stats just now – it’s something I like to do once in a while, just to gauge how some writings are working for people – and I couldn’t help but notice this blog has kind of gone international, which is really effing cool.

 

I mean, I started out in a dark bedroom, nervous as hell that what I was writing was going to be perceived as weird and naïve. I’m still that way after three years writing here, though less so.

 

Never ever did I think I’d get much of a response from anyone, let alone reach places like Mexico or South Africa.

 

Before I get giddy about all things writing, internet and stats, I just want to say thank you to each and everyone of you. Even if you don’t comment, are shy to comment, whether your English isn’t good (in your eyes) or you don’t know where to start. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. This support means a tremendous amount and helps me to write, even on my most anxious days.

 

Now, for anyone interested: USA is the biggest source of hits most days, usually followed the UK and Australia. That may or may not be myself and my kitten though. If any Aussies are lurking, please stand up! It’d be nice to connect.

 

Outside of those top three, things vary. I’m not a tech guy, I don’t know what’s a genuine reader or a bot. For all I know, AI could be taking a liking to BDSM and found my blog. There’s a Sci-Fi story for later – an artificial person discovers BDSM and yearns to be human.

 

Anyway.

 

Usually Canada knocks Australia out of the top three, sometimes it’s Germany that takes that place. Spain, Brazil, Portugal, France – these are all places I’d never ever thought I could connect to.

 

I’m not going to delude myself. Not everyone that comes by would like my writing, that’s the nature of the beast. I know this. Still though, I am just like a kid in a candy store, just grateful and giddy and eager to know everything and I’ve always been a bit of a chatterbox despite any language barrier or difference of opinion.

 

So. If You’d Like, feel free to drop by the comments section and say hello. If you are self conscious, feel free to email. If you feel you aren’t good with English, write anyway. I love language, I would work to translate and communicate.

 

But absolutely no obligation to anyone.

 

I’m just happy you guys are along for the ride.