It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.
With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.
The D/s Dynamic
The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.
Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. There is a deep psychological component there between a Dominant and a submissive and this may led to the establishment of daily tasks, protocol, speech patterns and more that fulfils both parties.
The foundation for a healthy D/s relationship is, of course Trust. Trust in each other, to be open, to make mistakes, to learn from each other, without feeling worry or strange or anything of the sort. It is the number one key factor in this lovely exchange. Without it, things may fall apart.
Protocol is established early on in the relationship, when the Dominant and submissive figure out together what each of them want from this partnership. Aspects like what does the Dominant want? and more importantly what does the submissive want? Are established and from there, discipline and any tasks important to the individual come about to be carried out at established times. Protocol can be used to establish daily and nightly routine, forming the basis of structure in the relationship.
And What’s This About Speech Patterns?
The speech pattern of both the Dominant and the submissive are tailored specifically to their tastes. It can be cute and whimsical or more disciplined but whatever the case, it is a design implemented primarily for control and ownership. Have fun with names! Be creative.
What will fulfil you as a Dominant? What will fulfil you as a submissive? Things you need in your relationship will come to mind when you establish the limits and boundaries within your relationship. Remember to discuss everything thoroughly – and SUBMISSIVE PEOPLE, SPEAK UP. This is about your needs as much as it is your partners, you dig? Push the envelope, explore what calls your heart, and be experimental.
What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.
Remember, as exciting as tasks and BDSM can be, you are the guardian of your submissive. Nurture them, be patient with them, and do not be afraid to learn from their own needs. Always be attentive to the needs, as well as your own.
I will say this to any newcomer Dominant – be especially attentive to how vocal your submissive is in his or her needs. Not every submissive can be outspoken in his or her beliefs or interests. There is, I feel, a great number of us that struggle with speaking up and of being heard.
It’s a tricky thing to grasp, in that you might not want to pester your submissive, but always be attentive and patient in creating an always safe and secure space for them to feel they can be themselves.
I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.
A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.
Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.
When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.
Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.
A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.
And Now, A Personal Example…
At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.
I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.
Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.
Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.
So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.