On My Religion, Sexuality and Love

If you’re a long time reader, chances are you’ve read me touch on my catholic upbringing as a child and into my teens and how that affected my sexuality. Talking or writing about it at length, though, is something I haven’t done here – and for no real reason, I just haven’t felt it was an interesting topic to anyone but me.

I want to address that. However I will ask you to bear with me, it might get messy.

My father and mother were devout Catholics and raised me as such. I did the whole nine yards – reconciliation, monthly confessions, communion, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday’s, Stations of the cross, Sunday Mass – the whole shebang.

We were a conservative Catholic household and lived a conservative Catholic life. Even the sheer sight of me shirtless around the house would cause outcry. Playful or not, I cannot say, but I just wanted to raise this point.

When I was 12, I started to catch on about sex. My dad, when confronted with the notion, told me flatly ‘Yeah, we did!’. As an adult, my mum would tell me it was my dad’s job to address it as she did to my sisters. As an adult, my dad would tell me he never did enough for me. I wonder if he remembers that conversation.

As a 12 year old though, I was weird sexually. I’m taking masturbation in the weirdest places, I’m talking being excited that I’d have the house myself so I can be naked, I’m talking the primal masturbating in the mud in a frenzy – weird.

Thing was, I was making sense of myself. I found the pulse within myself that reacted against my catholic teachings to be naked, to be primal, to fight back against the feelings of shame – which I very well have now writing this, even though I understand how implausible those feelings are.

This reactionary behaviour paved the way for me to explore myself sexually as a teenager, which led to writing erotica and eventually to the wide world of BDSM and kink.

Looking back as I write this, sex – for me – is a battle between two minds. There’s the part of me who is relaxed and in control and vibrant and flourishing and then —- there’s the insecure part of me, questioning – constantly questioning, telling me that what I want, what I’ve always wanted, won’t be accepted. Somehow I know this to be a product of what I was taught, teaching me that to be naked, to want degradation, humiliation, is all wrong. Disgusting.

These days I have good control over the other part of my brain, though it does exist during my most intimate moments. However, during my twenties, that wasn’t the case.

I can distinctly remember feeling the rush of being in the moment, sexually and as a dominant, and then coming down from that high terrifies, not knowing what that meant, guilty because of my actions – my need to command, to dress, to be sadistic.

I thought I was in the wrong for years, with every kinky discovery bringing with it a wave of shame and a terrifying feeling that, after so long of living my life, I would have to reboot EVERYTHING I knew. This feeling, this scary realisation, led me to suppress it, at this point strengthened by the fact that I was in a relationship with a woman I loved but had zero interest in kink, D/s or BDSM.

Hell, I don’t even know now, years later, if my depression and anxiety is merely hereditary or a manifestation of my upbringing as a conservative Catholic. I can only guess and say it’s hereditary plus the upbringing PLUS my social experiences as a teenager. I didn’t have a lot of friends. I was shy. I was quiet. I still am.

What helped me, what still does – is trying to remember that my own development is important, that my happiness is important and that people like you, my dear readers, or kitten will accept me and my kinks and that it doesn’t mean I’m insane or sick or mentally ill.

These days, I’m not a practicing religious person – but I am spiritual. I live by a set of rules – to be kind to people, to love openly and accept everyone. I pray for my loves and my life and my animals but I consider my relationship between myself and God something entirely different to what’s prescribed in the bible. If that makes me agnostic or something, so be it, but I’d like to think that love is all you need and that if God exists, He – or she – would want me to be happy to my fullest extent. Outside of that, I try to be as kinky as I want 24/7. True to myself, in other words.

So was religion / being religious the catalyst for my feelings during sex? My anxiety? My development as a man? I’m not sure. I cannot say. I’m only a writer, half naked, musing to himself on a cool Monday morning.

Just Write

So. I just got an email from a reader of my blog and it struck me as sad and it’s for these reasons that I want to write this piece.

If you’re going to write in to me, if you want to write in to me, there’s a couple things I, personally, want you to know and understand.

I’m not as busy as you think. I’m not running around like a headless chook, know that while I may work, I also definitely check my email daily and respond in full as soon as I can.

I don’t respond to emails to be polite to you, to what a reader described as ‘a self proclaimed fangirl’ – I respond because I want to. You must understand, I started this blog not just to share my fantasies and satisfy a part of me, I did it in case it could inspire someone as awkward as I was when I started off.

So I love hearing from people – young, old, male, female, Australian, American, Norwegian – the more the merrier. Language barriers be damned! I love conversing with people and I love talking BDSM and it’s lifestyles.

Whether you’re a fan or seeking answers or even if you a bone to pick with me about something I wrote. Grill me. I welcome all of it, criticism, friendly chatter, the like.

You’re not bothering me. At all. In all my years of blogging, in responding to the kind people that write in, I can honestly say not one email has bugged me, not one. Even if one person has a laundry list of questions, I’ll sit down and work it out with them until they’re more spent then I am. Seriously. So never ever think that YOU are the person that will be too much for me, because that just won’t be the case. Try me, I dare you!

Do you want to write but don’t know what to say? Do you feel stupid because I can talk so openly and you find it rough to? I’ve had years to process how I feel, to work to rise above my own shyness. I was the same as you in the beginning. We all start somewhere and blossom on our own time.

I will say this though – just write. Don’t worry about grammar or context or anything, just write. I honestly care not for long novel-length texts, I read every word and respond. I’ll even write a long novel-length email of my own.

Start at the beginning. Write how you feel. Find a place to start at, to get the ball rolling, and then just let it go – just write and let it loose. If it feels good, write it. If it doesn’t, write it anyway and send it.

Too many times have I read that someone wanted to write in sooner or deleted several iterations of the email they just sent – and it breaks my heart.

I know I can’t TELL people what to do. I know I can’t get people to talk as frankly as I do, but I’m writing this because I want you to know, anything you have to say, in any way, is perfectly A-OK by me and that you should not feel shame or delete what you write, because I mostly certainly want to read it. Don’t even press that delete button or I’ll slap a crop against your knuckles!

Be yourself. That’s all I ask of you. Everything else, please don’t worry. I’m not as scary as your mind makes me out to be!

TD&D

How Can You Tell If You’re Dominant Or Submissive?

Ladies and gents, I’m kinda stumped.

Early in the week, I was talking to a lady about how to implement kink into her marriage with her husband, when she ran a question by me – How do you know if you’re Dominant?

I answered that question best I could in the moment, running my own experiences with identifying the feeling by her, hoping it would connect somehow. But now, days later, I’m still thinking it over. I don’t really know HOW. It all seems so organic looking back.

I have also recently had someone ask me If they’re still fully submissive if they enjoy being bratty – there’s a lot of misunderstanding about the persona and how it applies to the individual.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of confused and alone people out there with a laundry list of questions and no one to ask. I’m more than happy to answer anything anyone has to ask, be you male, female, teenager, adult, new to the lifestyle or in the middle of a transformation or even someone with an inkling of kinkling.

Anyway, I thought I would try to the answer the question at length, hoping newcomers to BDSM might relate and it can help them in their own journey.

In the beginning, I had these feelings that I had understanding of. I didn’t know I could file my name calling under ‘Degradation and Humiliation’ nor did I understand why I was so interested in control – in exercising authority over my girlfriend. In these stages, there was no real sense of D/s and aftercare because I was immature and these feelings were immature and coarse and unrefined.

Before I continue, let me just write that there’s no absolute way for one person. Everyone is different and works differently.

I should say that my own development has come with a certain degree of blind luck. I met certain people at the right time in my life, people like me, through Fetlife or the semi-sketchy anonymous confessional app Whisper. I was a lucky bastard. I had the blessing of shaping who I was through encounters along my twenties.

Fetlife was a big player in my path, I would say. By signing up and looking around, I could see I wasn’t alone. I could even put a name to my kinks and thus have some semblance of understanding.

Google helped too, in a way, acting as a gateway to all sorts of media – books, images, blogs, people, Kink. Suddenly I knew of words like ‘Dominance’ and ‘submission’ and ‘dynamic’. Combine this with Fetlife and I had opportunities to feel the gravitational force to someone who was submissive. I’m talking, heart racing, cock hardening, breath quickening gravitational forces that helped me realise something was within me.

I know what you’re wondering. ‘Okay, but how does someone know if they’re dominant? Or even submissive?’

The best advice I can give is that it starts with an idea. Have a google of key concepts that come to mind when you think of BDSM – blindfolding, handcuffs, dirty talk. Start small. See if something strikes up your fancy.

If you want to reach deeper, have a look at concepts within a D/s relationship, such as setting tasks and rules and maintaining order. See if any of these concepts appeal to you on a base level. Try not to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information – there can be a lot to learn but you can easily break it up into easily digestible parts.

Start small. Start light. A bit of spanking, a bit of issuing commands – talk to your partner about what they would like to try and see if it strikes a chord with you on any level.

The last advice I can give is to be open to yourself and to your partner. That goes for likes and dislikes and even if you’re uninterested. But always be open to trying at least. You never know what you’ll find on the road less travelled.

30 Days of Kink: Day #13 – In Which I Attempt to Explain Why Kink Appeals to Me

Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Oof! How much time have you got to read? Ask anyone you know that has written to me personally about how I can ramble about any given topic to anyone that will listen. Which, now that I write that down, doesn’t sound too inviting. Hmm.

What is the appeal of kink? I think I’ve always been drawn to psychology in some way. I’ve always wanted to study it at university but chickened out because I felt I wasn’t smart enough to get by in that regard.

The reason why I bring up psychology is because the idea of peeling back minds and getting to the heart of the matter, the psyche of someone, of knowing someone on a very intimate level is very stimulating to me in many ways.

And so the idea of bearing my soul, of exploring these fantasies I felt were too tough and gritty and off, with someone who felt the same way about their own minds, was a beautiful thought. It spoke to my meaning of life for me because it was very much about coming to terms with my own humanity.

For the longest time I’ve been trying to decipher how I feel and what that means – not only for myself but, like, at all. For this life. So to let go off all of that worry and become almost symbiotic with someone else – it was liberating. To explore the far reaches of your mind without judgement and explore our humanity and what it means to like these things and why, that is all soulful and gorgeous to me in ways I could never succinctly express.

As for why I’m drawn to all this beyond that reasoning? I’m not sure I know exactly why. I know I like the allure of dark things – I’m drawn to gothic eroticism for example, for how it can deftly juggle both aspects and create a satisfying pull between them.

I don’t know why I feel the need to want to practice 24/7 D/s – or why I feel compelled to such ideas as ownership and sadism. I just know that without them, I’m not really who I am anymore. I’m prone to mood swings and depersonalisation and depression because there’s no outlet or anything you know? There’s no way to circumvent.

30 Days of Kink – Day #5: My First Kinky Experience

What was you first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t yet had that first time write about what you hope to have happen.

My first kinky sexual experience? Gosh. I would have to say that it was during my teenage years when I would masturbate in strange places. I did a lot of strange shit as a kid, from masturbating in a KFC, grinding my cock into the carpet of a bedroom so I feel that rough burn, I’ve tasted my own come as a teenager.

I can’t quite remember my first sexual kinky experience, as nothing fucks you harder than time, but I do know that I experimented with sight and sound and sensation. Even masturbating with the vibrations from a gaming controller. I played a lot with masturbating in a bath, you see, or out in the rain, or swimming naked.

But! If we really want to talk ab actual non-singular physical sexual experience, I guess that would be letting a play partner see that primal side of myself unabashedly. Just straight up – no false pretences, no bullshit, none of this falsely polite talk and reserved feelings that can come out – just her and I communicating our deepest darkest fantasies with one another in a cosy little space away from the rest of the world. That was erotic on a very deep psychological level because it was about realising there was power in my voice and eyes more then I knew. More than I could even control.

Yes, I think if we want to talk the moments that blew my mind, it was from realising, somehow I’m still unsure about, that my voice and my words alone had the power to cause this play partner to orgasm. Just hearing the utter confusion ripple through her wavering voice – ‘what the shit? This is…insane’ – just that breathlessness from someone was a very psychological, very powerful moment.

It was a step in understanding that there was power in me, as silly as that might sound. Dormant power right? Things I didn’t know about my self or how I behaved that could bubble to the surface. Small attributes that could effect my partner in a big way.

In Which We Look At Structure For The Individual

We talk about structure for a D/s relationship and how it’s beneficial for both Dominant and submissive together – but what about structure away from each other in particular moments, maybe one partner is distracted by work, particularly anxious or just unavailable for whatever reason. Maybe the Dominant or submissive is single, and having a rough Monday / work week / month? What can be done to centre and calm the mind?

Your Mantra

When mentoring with individuals, a personal mantra is something I recommend for times when anxiety strikes or when they are feeling particularly unfocused or just a bit scattered.

Your mantra should be something personal, a positive reinforcement for yourself.

Have a think about something you’d like to remind yourself – maybe it’s ‘one day at a time’, ‘tomorrow is a new beginning’, maybe it’s your favourite song lyric. Have a think.

For those in a D/s relationship, using the mantra formed by you and your partner could act as a positive reinforcement for the times you are separated, a reminder that though you are separated now, this won’t always be the case.

Nude Meditation

Maybe it’s just me but I find something comforting and confronting and intimate about undressing and being naked – even now, even with myself. There’s a rawness I’m connected to, I find.

Do you have a favourite sound? Something that has a calming effect? For me it’s rain on a tin roof. Whenever I’m most anxious or just looking to re-wire my thoughts to a more healthy state of thinking, I turn on that wonderful sound, lie down in a favourite spot of mine and concentrate on creating my own personal sphere in which it’s raining on a beautiful Still evening.

It’s a tricky thing, to attempt meditation. It’s one thing to lie and listen to your favourite sound, it’s another to think of absolutely nothing as you do so, coming to a peaceful and relaxed stop. It takes time and patience and practice but it can be done with a little perseverance.

Keeping A Journal

Write your day down on your own personal journal. Alternatively, writing in the nude, as I’ve been known to do, can be equally comforting, but capturing your thoughts and feelings with just no one but you, the pen and the page can be a useful tool when it comes to processing thoughts and owning them, trapping them down on the page.

For some, journaling can hit a brick wall after a while. It can start to feel monotone or you might feel like you’ve run out of things to write about, especially if your life is a work grind.

If it does become a grind, think about writing about things you haven’t tried yet, things you want to try. Think about what happened in your day that was positive.

For those with partners, many of these ideas can intersect. And that’s good, you can share your experience when you come together next, it’ll be something you can talk about and share with one another.

For those who are single, these activities could be an important part of self-reflection on your own individual journey. A way to relax and unwind and to deal with unwanted stress in your daily life.

If anyone wants to share any other examples that was useful to them as an individual, I would love to hear them.

Frequently Asked Questions About A Mentor & Mentoring

What exactly IS a BDSM Mentor?

A Mentor can either be a Dominant or submissive who has been in the lifestyle for quite some time. Their role is to act like a friend first and a guidance counsellor second, listening to the pupil / student, answering any questions they have and recommending valuable resources that pertain to their interests. The period of time that they help the individual depends solely on the individual themselves.

I will note that Trust is very, very important to build and to have between the individual and the Mentor, for there can be types out there that use Mentoring as a guise to prey on those who really don’t know BDSM and it’s intricate dynamics and can end up falling victim to this.

Remember – watch for red flags, take your time and do not be rushed. Make sure their agenda lines up with your own, that your well-being is in their best interests. If it’s a Mentor you’re looking for, ask yourself this – could you get along with this person outside of BDSM talk?

Is a Mentor a sexual or romantic role?

No, absolutely not. While the topics discussed may be sexual in nature, I feel the Mentor’s role is to instruct and to guide and discuss.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant mentor?

This one depends entirely on the individual. Some would feel they benefit more from someone in the same dynamic, while others feel someone in the opposite dynamic could shed a light on unforeseen ground. That comes down to personal taste.

There is the argument that the individual would benefit learning from the community as a whole. I mean, I did that myself, spending my own time reading and learning, so I can’t argue against that – Why would I? But on the other hand, a newbie learning one-on-one with a mentor gives him or her the chance to discuss topics without other minds expressing themselves and potentially leading to confusion or overwhelming the individual.

Again, it’s really a matter of preference and what’s more comfortable for the individual.

What exactly do YOU do as a Mentor?

I like to just be a friend and listen, first and foremost. I think that’s the most important thing, to be there.

In the past, I would encourage sending an email to my blog address, and if they felt comfortable doing so after befriending one another, to talk on a platform of Instant Messaging, for any direct line.

I say ‘in the past’ because I’ve stopped being as active in offering help presently – purely because I don’t want to annoy. And I don’t want to cross any boundaries if the individual is married or in a relationship. I don’t want to interfere or influence, merely help on the individuals terms.

But beyond that, I offer advice, I suggest activities such as meditation and journaling as a way of self-healing. I have had one individual ask me for help in getting them motivated in their daily life – small self-help and healthy living things like that.

I answer questions best I can, quell anxieties about their own ideas / feelings, squash misconceptions, offer activities I used for my own anxieties and journey. And be a back up, go-to friendly ear.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

I’ve mostly had positive experiences in Mentoring and have even made a couple of good friends that have kept in touch and update me about their lives and their relationships and their own progress. This is the most rewarding thing I feel – knowing, in some way, maybe small, maybe more then that, that I’ve helped somehow.

I have had a negative experience too, last year. I came into contact with one person who only wanted to argue bitterly and he saw me as a focus point for that anger. I tried to get to the bottom of that anger but in the end, I had to cut contact. And being the sensitive person I am, that shook me quite a bit.

How does your lady / kitten feel about you Mentoring?

Before I started offering to help to anyone on the blog, I told her exactly what it was and what I hoped to do and why it was that I felt compelled to do so. I received her loving support. And If she was uncomfortable with any of it, I wouldn’t do it at all.

It can be a daunting thing, to journey into the world of BDSM. You may be worried you’ll fall into the pond when you just want to dip your toe. Just know you’re not alone in the journey – there are resources there within your reach. There are communities there full of the loveliest people that will help you as kindly as they helped me.

When it comes to seeking help, measure your options. Find what works best for you. Take your time on deciding if you want to work one on one or with the community – and most of all, be safe!

If you have any further questions, let me know and I can add this to the list – and if you ever need individual help, I’m always a message away! Good luck.