In Which We Look At Structure For The Individual

We talk about structure for a D/s relationship and how it’s beneficial for both Dominant and submissive together – but what about structure away from each other in particular moments, maybe one partner is distracted by work, particularly anxious or just unavailable for whatever reason. Maybe the Dominant or submissive is single, and having a rough Monday / work week / month? What can be done to centre and calm the mind?

Your Mantra

When mentoring with individuals, a personal mantra is something I recommend for times when anxiety strikes or when they are feeling particularly unfocused or just a bit scattered.

Your mantra should be something personal, a positive reinforcement for yourself.

Have a think about something you’d like to remind yourself – maybe it’s ‘one day at a time’, ‘tomorrow is a new beginning’, maybe it’s your favourite song lyric. Have a think.

For those in a D/s relationship, using the mantra formed by you and your partner could act as a positive reinforcement for the times you are separated, a reminder that though you are separated now, this won’t always be the case.

Nude Meditation

Maybe it’s just me but I find something comforting and confronting and intimate about undressing and being naked – even now, even with myself. There’s a rawness I’m connected to, I find.

Do you have a favourite sound? Something that has a calming effect? For me it’s rain on a tin roof. Whenever I’m most anxious or just looking to re-wire my thoughts to a more healthy state of thinking, I turn on that wonderful sound, lie down in a favourite spot of mine and concentrate on creating my own personal sphere in which it’s raining on a beautiful Still evening.

It’s a tricky thing, to attempt meditation. It’s one thing to lie and listen to your favourite sound, it’s another to think of absolutely nothing as you do so, coming to a peaceful and relaxed stop. It takes time and patience and practice but it can be done with a little perseverance.

Keeping A Journal

Write your day down on your own personal journal. Alternatively, writing in the nude, as I’ve been known to do, can be equally comforting, but capturing your thoughts and feelings with just no one but you, the pen and the page can be a useful tool when it comes to processing thoughts and owning them, trapping them down on the page.

For some, journaling can hit a brick wall after a while. It can start to feel monotone or you might feel like you’ve run out of things to write about, especially if your life is a work grind.

If it does become a grind, think about writing about things you haven’t tried yet, things you want to try. Think about what happened in your day that was positive.

For those with partners, many of these ideas can intersect. And that’s good, you can share your experience when you come together next, it’ll be something you can talk about and share with one another.

For those who are single, these activities could be an important part of self-reflection on your own individual journey. A way to relax and unwind and to deal with unwanted stress in your daily life.

If anyone wants to share any other examples that was useful to them as an individual, I would love to hear them.

Frequently Asked Questions About A Mentor & Mentoring

What exactly IS a BDSM Mentor?

A Mentor can either be a Dominant or submissive who has been in the lifestyle for quite some time. Their role is to act like a friend first and a guidance counsellor second, listening to the pupil / student, answering any questions they have and recommending valuable resources that pertain to their interests. The period of time that they help the individual depends solely on the individual themselves.

I will note that Trust is very, very important to build and to have between the individual and the Mentor, for there can be types out there that use Mentoring as a guise to prey on those who really don’t know BDSM and it’s intricate dynamics and can end up falling victim to this.

Remember – watch for red flags, take your time and do not be rushed. Make sure their agenda lines up with your own, that your well-being is in their best interests. If it’s a Mentor you’re looking for, ask yourself this – could you get along with this person outside of BDSM talk?

Is a Mentor a sexual or romantic role?

No, absolutely not. While the topics discussed may be sexual in nature, I feel the Mentor’s role is to instruct and to guide and discuss.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant mentor?

This one depends entirely on the individual. Some would feel they benefit more from someone in the same dynamic, while others feel someone in the opposite dynamic could shed a light on unforeseen ground. That comes down to personal taste.

There is the argument that the individual would benefit learning from the community as a whole. I mean, I did that myself, spending my own time reading and learning, so I can’t argue against that – Why would I? But on the other hand, a newbie learning one-on-one with a mentor gives him or her the chance to discuss topics without other minds expressing themselves and potentially leading to confusion or overwhelming the individual.

Again, it’s really a matter of preference and what’s more comfortable for the individual.

What exactly do YOU do as a Mentor?

I like to just be a friend and listen, first and foremost. I think that’s the most important thing, to be there.

In the past, I would encourage sending an email to my blog address, and if they felt comfortable doing so after befriending one another, to talk on a platform of Instant Messaging, for any direct line.

I say ‘in the past’ because I’ve stopped being as active in offering help presently – purely because I don’t want to annoy. And I don’t want to cross any boundaries if the individual is married or in a relationship. I don’t want to interfere or influence, merely help on the individuals terms.

But beyond that, I offer advice, I suggest activities such as meditation and journaling as a way of self-healing. I have had one individual ask me for help in getting them motivated in their daily life – small self-help and healthy living things like that.

I answer questions best I can, quell anxieties about their own ideas / feelings, squash misconceptions, offer activities I used for my own anxieties and journey. And be a back up, go-to friendly ear.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

I’ve mostly had positive experiences in Mentoring and have even made a couple of good friends that have kept in touch and update me about their lives and their relationships and their own progress. This is the most rewarding thing I feel – knowing, in some way, maybe small, maybe more then that, that I’ve helped somehow.

I have had a negative experience too, last year. I came into contact with one person who only wanted to argue bitterly and he saw me as a focus point for that anger. I tried to get to the bottom of that anger but in the end, I had to cut contact. And being the sensitive person I am, that shook me quite a bit.

How does your lady / kitten feel about you Mentoring?

Before I started offering to help to anyone on the blog, I told her exactly what it was and what I hoped to do and why it was that I felt compelled to do so. I received her loving support. And If she was uncomfortable with any of it, I wouldn’t do it at all.

It can be a daunting thing, to journey into the world of BDSM. You may be worried you’ll fall into the pond when you just want to dip your toe. Just know you’re not alone in the journey – there are resources there within your reach. There are communities there full of the loveliest people that will help you as kindly as they helped me.

When it comes to seeking help, measure your options. Find what works best for you. Take your time on deciding if you want to work one on one or with the community – and most of all, be safe!

If you have any further questions, let me know and I can add this to the list – and if you ever need individual help, I’m always a message away! Good luck.

What Is The D/s Dynamic?

It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.

With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.

The D/s Dynamic

The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.

Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. There is a deep psychological component there between a Dominant and a submissive and this may led to the establishment of daily tasks, protocol, speech patterns and more that fulfils both parties.

The foundation for a healthy D/s relationship is, of course Trust. Trust in each other, to be open, to make mistakes, to learn from each other, without feeling worry or strange or anything of the sort. It is the number one key factor in this lovely exchange. Without it, things may fall apart.

Protocol?

Protocol is established early on in the relationship, when the Dominant and submissive figure out together what each of them want from this partnership. Aspects like what does the Dominant want? and more importantly what does the submissive want? Are established and from there, discipline and any tasks important to the individual come about to be carried out at established times. Protocol can be used to establish daily and nightly routine, forming the basis of structure in the relationship.

And What’s This About Speech Patterns?

The speech pattern of both the Dominant and the submissive are tailored specifically to their tastes. It can be cute and whimsical or more disciplined but whatever the case, it is a design implemented primarily for control and ownership. Have fun with names! Be creative.

Daily Tasks

What will fulfil you as a Dominant? What will fulfil you as a submissive? Things you need in your relationship will come to mind when you establish the limits and boundaries within your relationship. Remember to discuss everything thoroughly – and SUBMISSIVE PEOPLE, SPEAK UP. This is about your needs as much as it is your partners, you dig? Push the envelope, explore what calls your heart, and be experimental.

Dominance

What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.

Remember, as exciting as tasks and BDSM can be, you are the guardian of your submissive. Nurture them, be patient with them, and do not be afraid to learn from their own needs. Always be attentive to the needs, as well as your own.

I will say this to any newcomer Dominant – be especially attentive to how vocal your submissive is in his or her needs. Not every submissive can be outspoken in his or her beliefs or interests. There is, I feel, a great number of us that struggle with speaking up and of being heard.

It’s a tricky thing to grasp, in that you might not want to pester your submissive, but always be attentive and patient in creating an always safe and secure space for them to feel they can be themselves.

Submission

 I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.

A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.

Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.

Established Boundaries

 When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.

Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.

A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.

And Now, A Personal Example…

 At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.

I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.

 Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.

Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.

So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.

 

The Ways in which a D/s Relationship Fulfils Me

It’s strange that I’ve never really written about this before, because it’s come up a few times in my life – either with my lady, a reader or a student I’ve had the distinct pleasure of mentoring. What fulfils me in a D/s relationship? What do I get from taking care of a submissive? Is it merely holding a paddle, feeling it’s weight, hearing the crack on bare skin? Is it hearing her sweet voice call to you in the most intimate moments?

Yes, it’s all of that indeed but it’s so much more too at the same time. And to have a peek at some of the reasons, we’ll need to get messy, as hearts (especially mine!) often are. Are you strapped in? Comfortable? Sitting in your favourite spot? Lying in bed? Let’s go!

Connection

As satisfying as it is to find a soul who wants you to be in charge, who wants to carry out your orders and who trusts your ownership and leadership, what’s fulfilling for me is on a psychological level — I adore the mind and all it’s messy interiors.

For me, that I’m just being trusted with someone’s mind – something they may be struggling with for who knows how long – is a beautiful thing. But to share their world, see their tastes, their distaste’s, their collection of toys or underwear or memories and experiences, it’s powerful, powerful stuff. And I’m forever thankful.

You might wonder ‘wait, that’s it?’ – but it’s true. When I’m laying with my lady, and we’re a couple of surfaces deep from who society sees, it’s like I’m seeing a part of her, who she is, who this universe created, in a way my human mind can comprehend. Maybe we’re larger than that. Larger than our bodies. This is a spiritual thing I’m wandering to, not psychological. I’ll leave it there.

Structure

This, I feel, is very important. It goes hand in hand with the connection aspect I feel, complimenting each other, working with one another in ways I’m not sure I can communicate across.

Just as a submissive wants or requires or needs structure, so too does a Dominant. There’s a level of control needed, yes, but also tasks, daily assignments and constant communication on these aspects.

For me, I need a level of control. Like, I need it. And this extends to aspects of my lady’s life, splitting into different categories like day and night, speech patterns, protocol and other disciplinary behaviour.

More importantly, it gives structure to the day and night of the Dominant.

Some of you readers who have been with me from the beginning know that when I was suppressing the Dominant side of me in favour for a vanilla life, I was growing anxious, agitated and so uncharacteristically like myself. I was sullen, I was prone to anger, I was tormented.

The structure of a D/s relationship 24/7 many months later brought me back to my usual self. To use an already overused phrase, things fell in place, they really did – and I realised two things – not only did was an organised structure the key to my mental health, but it was balancing what needed balancing in my life. Evening things out. Like they should’ve all along.

That day was a real epiphany moment, I tell you. When it hit me all at once what I needed.

So you see, A Dominant gets more out of a D/s relationship than the animalistic thrill of their partner fulfilling a task, there’s a deeper psychological connection at work, a cosmic balancing act, the key to happiness for the Dominant.

If you have any further questions on this, let me know below or you can reach me at my email!

It’s Okay To Sometimes Make a Mistake In This BDSM Lifestyle

Be you submissive or dominant or a lovely hybrid of both, if you’re new to the lifestyle – the great wide wonderful world of BDSM and kink and dynamics, chances are you’re bound to make a mistake. You’re bound to misinterpret or have a hiccup or stumble.

It could be forgetting to do a task, it could be a selfish reasoning to dominate, it could be an error in or out of the bedroom.

And you know what? That’s fine. That’s great. That’s okay, because that’s how we learn to improve — and there’s no shame in that. At least, you shouldn’t feel that way inclined.

So long as, if we are indeed in the wrong, we learn from the error and grow through the experience, that’s okay.

When I started off in the lifestyle, I didn’t even know it was a lifestyle. There was my first mistake. But even more so, I was thinking like a young mind. I was thinking I’m terms of only my dominance and not entirely of the needs and mindset of my girlfriend at the time.

Even when I entered into my first fully 24/7 relationship I made some hiccup mistakes – lapses in judgement that, after a discussion regarding it, I could understand the different perspective. And I learned from it.

Talking to others in the lifestyle really helped. It still does. I have an eager mind to talk sometimes when my anxiety doesn’t override my nature. Talking to others helped me understand, helped ease my mind into the mind of a submissive. I learned to become patient, to develop my awareness of the submissive self.

Having a family comprised of women certainly helped shape my understanding and nature I would say, but it was talking to – for me, submissive women – that helped me understand.

I understood my shortcomings, I understood a need to please, I listened and asked questions where I thought to.

So take it from a general fuck up – you can pick yourself back up and keep moving on, so long as you listen and understand and admit to your own misdirections – if any.

Remember: The only silly question is the one not asked. Talking to others and listening with an open mind and heart is key, as well as being open with yourself. Because you might very well change – and sometimes change can be good.

If you need to chat, doesn’t hesitate to reach me at — darkanddominant@hotmail.com

Misconceptions On a D/s lifestyle

Something that I’ve been meaning to sit down and write about for a while is addressing newcomers on their one-foot-in-the-world of D/s dynamics and BDSM.

The common fear being addressed, that I’ve ever stumbled across in Wikis or have heard directly are misconceptions relating to BDSM or a specific dynamic.

Misconceptions

I know there’s a misconception that all people involved in BDSM are strange gothic creatures, the type you may meet in a Marilyn Manson music video.

But it’s wrong.

The people you will find interested in BDSM or a D/s relationship are normal, small-country town people. They could be your doctor or the clerk at the mall or the guy who rips your ticket at the cinema.

Yes, there are people who take it to extreme measures. But extreme measures can be found anywhere. Look at Comic-Con or animal lovers or healthy folk. The point is, extremes generally depend on the individual.

It’s Not Just About Sex

Sure, a large component about it IS sex, but that’s not all a D/s relationship is comprised of.

If we are open minded about the process, we can find great beauty in the mix, as well as understanding, patience and grace.

A D/s relationship can involve the most beautiful quiet moments, a magnificent level of trust, a connection so rich or even profound that it enriches anything else the couple interacts with.

I once spoke to a woman who was interested in the Daddy / little girl lifestyle but didn’t want to be associated with what she believed was the true nature of the relationship – the incestuous sex play.

The problem here was the misconception was shaping her view on it and D/s relationships in general because she must’ve seen a meme or read an article or heard something that misunderstood reasoning.

I had to say. No. A Daddy / little girl relationship, while yes – can include any incestuous roleplay – is primarily about the interaction between a Dominant and a submissive on a very gut level, almost primal, instinct.

It’s How You Feel

While it’s fantastic to read up on differing dynamics and what they mean – this can help iron out some knots in your mind – don’t view it as a strict definition of who you are as a person, because that can change.

Find what suits you best. Adapt. Customise. Change. Make it personal to fit yourself or who you are, because you need to be happy with that person.

And should there come a day where change is terrifying, remember – it’s okay to navigate new areas. One day I woke up and realised that, after all, there was a side to my personality I likened to that of a Master. I’m not strictly a Master, I’m a weird sort of a hybrid. And yeah, I copped flak from other Dominants due to their own perceived definitions, but you’ve got to make yourself happy. You’ve got to lead your own path.

Don’t Be Scared

You’re not going to lose yourself in the process of learning new things about yourself. Just try and think of it as going back to school, learning new units. I guarantee you that you’ll still be your old self, just maybe new and improved.

It may be scary to start a new main quest. It may feel like you’ll need to readjust your whole way of thinking. You may feel shame and fear and guilt, but in time that will pass..

Thinking Out Loud: Looking at Mental Health, BDSM and D/s Relationships

In my time of blogging, not to mention my own existential wanderings, I’ve come to realise that there is a relationship between those into BDSM and anxiety and/or depression.

The only thing I have had trouble understanding is the answer to the question – why?

Do these two things exist because of each other? Does one lead to the other? Is it through our development, whatever leads to the makings of anxiety in our mind or biological make up, that we become drawn to BDSM and Dominant / submissive relationships?

I’m not saying that you can’t have one without the other – you obviously can – but since opening my blog and talking to the gracious souls that wish to strike up a dialogue, a recurring theme I’ve seen is that anxiety and depression are threads that weave in and out of these lives.

I don’t know why. Sometimes I like to think it’s my anxious mind that helps me be kinder to the world and to partners and to people. Is that another connective tissue or am I simply being egotistical at this point? Questions upon questions.

Maybe I’m not qualified to even answer, or to write this article. I’m a writer, not a therapist. I merely think out loud.

I don’t know what to tell someone when they ask if their interest in BDSM is linked to a trauma that occurred early in their life. I can’t say, only offering to be a sympathetic ear and to gently remind them that practicing BDSM and D/s safely should not bring about any guilt.

I don’t think we’ll get all the answers. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe, so long as things are practiced in a healthy manner, so long as the individual’s state of mind is calm and in a positive state, maybe the why isn’t as important as the how.

In the end, what’s important is finding that sweet spot of living peacefully with your demons. Of safe environments in BDSM, of living with grief. Co-existing, you know?

Make time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Remember that living with a mental illness CAN be compatible with BDSM and a D/s relationship because the physical safety and mental well-being of those involved is a key factor and can be safely explored, with or without a partner.

When I began to actively explore BDSM and a D/s relationship, I didn’t know where I could stand. I often have so many thoughts that I need to have someone who can reassure me that things are okay, that they won’t tire of my questions or run out of patience. And I found my footing! And the same can happen for you!

No matter what has happened, we can come back from being knocked down. I have to believe that we can. Even in my worst days of panic.