How Can You Tell If You’re Dominant Or Submissive?

Ladies and gents, I’m kinda stumped.

Early in the week, I was talking to a lady about how to implement kink into her marriage with her husband, when she ran a question by me – How do you know if you’re Dominant?

I answered that question best I could in the moment, running my own experiences with identifying the feeling by her, hoping it would connect somehow. But now, days later, I’m still thinking it over. I don’t really know HOW. It all seems so organic looking back.

I have also recently had someone ask me If they’re still fully submissive if they enjoy being bratty – there’s a lot of misunderstanding about the persona and how it applies to the individual.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of confused and alone people out there with a laundry list of questions and no one to ask. I’m more than happy to answer anything anyone has to ask, be you male, female, teenager, adult, new to the lifestyle or in the middle of a transformation or even someone with an inkling of kinkling.

Anyway, I thought I would try to the answer the question at length, hoping newcomers to BDSM might relate and it can help them in their own journey.

In the beginning, I had these feelings that I had understanding of. I didn’t know I could file my name calling under ‘Degradation and Humiliation’ nor did I understand why I was so interested in control – in exercising authority over my girlfriend. In these stages, there was no real sense of D/s and aftercare because I was immature and these feelings were immature and coarse and unrefined.

Before I continue, let me just write that there’s no absolute way for one person. Everyone is different and works differently.

I should say that my own development has come with a certain degree of blind luck. I met certain people at the right time in my life, people like me, through Fetlife or the semi-sketchy anonymous confessional app Whisper. I was a lucky bastard. I had the blessing of shaping who I was through encounters along my twenties.

Fetlife was a big player in my path, I would say. By signing up and looking around, I could see I wasn’t alone. I could even put a name to my kinks and thus have some semblance of understanding.

Google helped too, in a way, acting as a gateway to all sorts of media – books, images, blogs, people, Kink. Suddenly I knew of words like ‘Dominance’ and ‘submission’ and ‘dynamic’. Combine this with Fetlife and I had opportunities to feel the gravitational force to someone who was submissive. I’m talking, heart racing, cock hardening, breath quickening gravitational forces that helped me realise something was within me.

I know what you’re wondering. ‘Okay, but how does someone know if they’re dominant? Or even submissive?’

The best advice I can give is that it starts with an idea. Have a google of key concepts that come to mind when you think of BDSM – blindfolding, handcuffs, dirty talk. Start small. See if something strikes up your fancy.

If you want to reach deeper, have a look at concepts within a D/s relationship, such as setting tasks and rules and maintaining order. See if any of these concepts appeal to you on a base level. Try not to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information – there can be a lot to learn but you can easily break it up into easily digestible parts.

Start small. Start light. A bit of spanking, a bit of issuing commands – talk to your partner about what they would like to try and see if it strikes a chord with you on any level.

The last advice I can give is to be open to yourself and to your partner. That goes for likes and dislikes and even if you’re uninterested. But always be open to trying at least. You never know what you’ll find on the road less travelled.

30 Days of Kink – Day #1: Me, Myself & I

It has been three years since I last did this 30 Days of Kink questionnaire. I’ve been thinking about doing it again for some time, mainly because I sense I’ve grown so much – I sense it in myself. But I’ve put it off for a few reasons – one, because I felt cheap to do a retread, and two – because I honestly don’t know how much interest it would garner for the current list of readers.

I’m putting myself out there, hoping it is warmly received. That being said, in the interest of being honest, I will state that I haven’t read my previous answers to these thirty questions that I wrote down back in 2015 when I was 27, so I’m going in with a completely fresh mind.

I hope you join me.

Dominant, submissive or switch? List the parts of BDSM that get your juices flowing, what interests you the most? Basically define your kinky nature.

I’m a Dominant man that hails from the land of Oz! But within the dominant frame of mind, I’ve found that I identify with other aspects, such as a Master, a Daddy and a primal.

I think the thing that gets my juices flowing the most is that psychological component of the interaction, sexually but especially non-sexually. By psychological component, I mean the little details that bring out expressions in people. For me, these expressions include a change in posture, a change in demeanour. Little shifts in voice and outward appearances that are not noticeable to me but are to my kitten.

To me, it’s like I’m witnessing this transformation of someone, this very special part that they choose to show to me. And it can manifest in the eyes, the voice and in the mind.

I find these details within us, these sides of our personality, to be incredibly delicious – and also incredibly delightful to meet. I could talk with a submissive mind all night, I’m that invested in hearing differences of opinion. The more different to mine, the better.

Beyond that, I’ve found that there needs to be a level of control in my life – and this goes beyond mere sexual gratification, although there is that wonderful part – but there’s something about ownership and leadership and protocol and structure in a D/s dynamic that brings absolute joy to my life. It brings peace. It’s a very spiritual and important thing to me.

That being said, I’ve noticed different sides of my personality since I began my journey that have ignited passion and imagination in my mind. I’ve found I have a side of me with Master tendencies, that either comes out in stories or fantasies. I’m drawn to that Master / Slave mindset, finding peace within the dynamic of law and order and protocol and training and obedience.

On the other side of the coin, I’m a Daddy. I have this insatiable desire to help those in need, either friends of friends or friends in general and my kitten. I have this strangest sensation like I’m some sort of Dad to my kitten at times, or that I feel like one – it’s the weirdest sensation to put down into words.

It’s partially why I offer Mentoring, because sometimes I face such an ache in my heart when I hear the frustration of someone who writes in, and I can’t bear that pain in others.

I’m a big kid at heart, I love reading to people – Lewis Carrol, Dr. Suess – and I love animation, so Disney marathons are a must in my household. You’ll even catch me singing them too.

Lastly, I’m a primal. That was my gateway to kink even when I didn’t know it. Exhibitionism, nudity, speaking freely – I had been shy and repressed for so long that it became a practice to not reject any thoughts that came to mind. It also helps alleviate my anxiety, if that makes sense.

If you’ve made it this far, and I certainly hope you have, I hope you’ve enjoyed the read and if you have any questions regarding any of the above, by all means, pick my mind. I welcome the discussion.

And if you’re new to this 30 Days of… – try it yourself. I’d love to hear from you!

The Word ‘Girl’ (Musing Why I React To It So)

I don’t know what it is about the word ‘girl’ that ignites my senses.

I don’t mean it quite literally, for clarification, I mean it in terms of D/s or how I or my lady refers to her as.

This thought came to me last night. I had headed to bed – I’m a night owl because I can afford to be, she’s an early bird – and she happened to be awake so like any midnight times, we had a chat together. It’s how we roll. And we started talking about cards – as in, playing cards – and she said ‘oh I’m just a blackjack and roulette girl’

Now, see, that was just slang. Like if I were to say, ‘I’m a metal guy’ if someone enquired about my musical tastes. But the word ‘girl’ – right then and there – sparked something in my mind. Not arousal, something bigger than that. Something that put my Dominant senses on high alert. And I don’t really know why.

So why is it a trigger word? Maybe it’s because it’s used so often by us – when she talks as taught by me, when I address her myself. Maybe it’s because I identify as a Daddy.

MAYBE it’s something that triggers my Daddy side because, for whatever reason, due to my lack of children, there’s some paternal instinct out there, the very thing that drives me to put it out there that I’m happy to mentor someone if or when they trust me enough. I’m not sure, I’m no psychologist or scientist, I’m just guessing maybe my biological instincts comes into play somehow.

The word ‘girl’ is interesting in a D/s context in the way it has a life of its own, how it suddenly has subtext and can imply something particular to the individual. For me, I think of a teenager. Dyed hair, pink wooden Pyjamas, black band hoodie – all very specific right? But specific to me, to my lady.

‘Girl’ makes me think of a teenager unsure – about her future, about her own desires, about her own strength. This probably says more about my teenage years and the company I kept, for I have no doubt there were strong minds at my own highschool, just as I have no doubt my lady was as fierce, sharp, intelligent and determined then as she is now. And this I know too, as – keep in mind, we met all those years ago, years before life would bring us back together this way.

The word ‘girl’ doesn’t make me think of an individual needing help or nurture or security but at the same time, something compels me to be a Daddy all the same. Why, and for what purpose? I don’t know.

How I Knew I Was A Daddy Dominant

When talking about my feelings as someone who identifies as a Daddy, the one question that usually comes up first is – How did you know you were a Daddy-type?

I tell these people but I’ve told you guys and gals, probably time and time before, but the other day, it really hit me. Like, smacked-in-the-face-here’s-your-epiphany levels of realisation.

I felt I was a Daddy-type the evening I looked into the eyes of my kitten on a particularly anxious evening for her, her eyes wide and terrified. Looking at her, I knew in that moment, I felt in that moment this grand desire to wrap my arms around her and pull into our little created realm of security. And that I would fight for her own restoration of balance until I was exhausted – and then, even more.

I understood in that moment, you see. And looking back, I wonder just how this memory escaped me if it was so pivotal. Maybe in all the un-organised thoughts in my brain, it sat waiting to be processed. Maybe I forgot, not a strange occurrence with me. I have the unfortunate ability of forgetting birthdays, appointments and other moments.

Maybe I just felt it then, put it on a pedestal to place in my snow globe of memories, but forgot to file it under Relationship. I can’t say.

Acting and feeling as a Daddy has long been gestating within me. It was with me there roughly as a teen, when I was writing about and acting out Incest related fantasies and roleplay. It was there when I understood that the dynamic wasn’t simply about incest at all, it was about the way two souls engage and respond and react to one another. It was there when I reached out to my lady’s friends when I could sense their sadness, just to see if I could help, even though I knew it would potentially label me as weird or could cross unforeseen boundaries. It was even there when, in my travels as a twenty-something lad, I came across a teenager who tried flirting with me. I stopped her and talked to her and found out so much more – her home life was hectic, her future was troubling her. I happen to be there for the reaction to all this. And I wanted to shed light on this.

I guess it’s always been with me, developing with me and within me, maturing with me and even maturing ME. Like I’m the host and it’s this is some symbiotic relationship.

I’ve had strange thoughts at times. Fleeting thoughts. Through some strong bonds, I’ve come to regard friends as a sister or a brother. In rare cases, such as with my lady, I’ve felt the need to talk to her as a Dad, as she were my little girl.

I wonder if it’s a biological thing? I don’t have any children. We don’t plan to. So maybe this is nature’s way of stepping forth and making up for any absence of that role within me. I don’t know. I’m not sure.

To the man or woman wondering where they lie in the grand scheme of things, if they wonder if they feel themselves moving towards baby girl or Daddy, know this: Don’t feel shame. Don’t feel fear. There is nothing wrong with you, or your thoughts or your desires or your dreams or your fantasies. Don’t let the fear stop your own progress or education into what it means and certainly don’t give up. You’ve got what it takes.

If you need to talk, I’m an email away!

Balancing The Scales: On Anxiety and Giving Guidance

When it comes to helping people, there’s always this part of my mind that jumps to feeling guilty about it. And at the same time that I know why I feel guilty, I don’t really know why I know why I feel guilty.

I recognise it though, this feeling of imposing, of bugging, of intruding. I know it comes from a lack of self confidence. Which comes from my teenage years, of being soft spoken, of having a quiet voice and of doubting each word that comes out of your mouth.

I’ve been anxious before I knew what anxiety really was and could create. And maybe that’s always been with me, and IS with me as I stumble along in the dark.

I offer my help – to readers here, because of my own struggles in my journeys. But when I do so, I’m hit with a wave of questions, more noticeably one that asks – why is this so important to you?

I’ve wrote about this before, this Daddy-esque feeling, this overwhelming desire to console and guide where help or guidance is needed. And it doesn’t just stop at BDSM and the lifestyle, it extends to any issue. It extends to friends. To friends of friends. To strangers. To family.

I’ve written to my lady’s friends when I sense a troubled mind in their posts. And I can’t help it. You better believe I fight it. I don’t want to sound like I’m preying on a vulnerable time, I don’t want to sound or feel like a creep – yet I’m driven forward by this need to offer help.

I don’t offer it aggressively. Or repeatedly. I mean, I do here but that’s only because I sometimes want to reach out to new followers because I sometimes receive a private message in which the person states they’ve been working up the courage to write to me – and I don’t know why, because I’m the friendly neighbourhood teddy bear.

But I offer help gently. Once, and then I’m gone. The old me would’ve obsessed with stressing it’s okay to write to me but now I know best to leave it to the individual. They will if they want.

So: I don’t know why I feel like I’d be intruding. Maybe it’s just residual anxious thoughts best left to throw out with the trash. Maybe it’s more important – a defect in my mind? I’m all for a balance and if I have a need to help and guide, what’s on the other scale?

All I know is I can be driven by a need to help anyone either from this blog or otherwise. It’s my honour. And sometimes I feel bad about that.

Memoirs Of A Dominant

Next week I will be turning thirty.
And looking back on the last ten years of my life is a strange and beautiful thing.

I’ve had the gift of life given to me but also of laughter and love and yeah, even Dominance. 

When I was twenty, I didn’t know what I do now. 

You could say I was Dominant, but I was coarse and unrefined. 

I could dominate – and I did – but it wasn’t with any sort of awareness of the bigger picture. I was playing chess one square at a time rather than the whole board.

Unknowingly, I had formed D/s relationships but neither me nor the lady I was with knew that. All I knew was that I had gone from being a loner to suddenly an attractive man – well, in the eyes of others anyway. At 20 I was insecure with myself in a way that I’m not now. 

My twenties were spent outside of anything BDSM related. There were flickers of it: The degradation that came out in my teens also came out in the bedroom. But I didn’t know terms, dynamics, things I wanted. I was coarse and unrefined and in a strictly vanilla relationship. 

It was around the time of my mid-twenties when something inside me awoke. Suddenly I wanted to learn. 

I was afraid to learn – there were times in the middle of the night where I woke from a dream to an ache I had ignored due to some of that catholic guilt I was raised with coming out – but I still had that desire. 

My long-term girlfriend at the time was not interested in the slightest. Not even after me trying to introduce to her some things I wanted to try. We simply were not compatible, though we hung onto each other long anyway.
Her dismissal led me to blogs and sites and that’s where I discovered Fetlife. That’s where I discovered apps like Whisper.

Suddenly I was finding that education I was so scared about. I deleted and signed up to Fetlife numerous times before I created the profile that exists today. 

Through whisper, I met a bubbly young lady. She was eighteen. I was 26 at the time. 
Blonde hair, blue eyes, piercings over her face and nipples. 
I did not have an affair with her, if that’s what you’re thinking. As I write this now, I can see that this was the origin of my Daddy side. 

You see, she came from a broken home. She was constantly in a state of distress. And over the weeks, we would talk and I would help in any way I can – because…well, because she felt like a little sister to me. 

The universe is a strange thing. It brings people together, it pulls people apart. And I guess, in that time, the universe gave me someone to talk to who was just as much seeking answers as I was. 

We would talk about our interests, mainly though, we would talk shit. And it was pleasant. 

I don’t know where she is now, but looking back, I think that was instrumental in forging my Daddy side. My caring side. My nurture side. 

EVENTUALLY my long term relationship with my girlfriend fell apart. We stopped being friends, we hung out in different rooms after work. We simply weren’t compatible. 

At the time, I wanted to fight. I felt that was what I wanted to do – fight for her. But when she showed no interest in fighting back, I decided to drop my compulsion to fix things or solve things and just…let her go. 

In the months after, I sought to explore myself. I moved in with my parents for a while, Iogged back into Fetlife. I took nude selfies despite my lingering guilt post-relationship. I wrote songs too. Really on-the-nose songs, with titles like ‘Penultimate’ and ‘Signposts’. It was my way to heal.

Through Fetlife – through people, really – I learnt what I was once too scared to learn. I spoke to women I befriended. Some I was drawn to on a really primal level. They helped point out what I was feeling. 

I had plenty of fascinating conversations about minds and life just staying in the intimate space of my childhood bedroom. In a lot of ways I was doing a loop, folding over back into my childhood town. Adulthood is weird.

But I learned I was a primal. I learned I was a Daddy. I had a six hour edging session – and I’m not exaggerating to prove something, I spent the majority of that day in bed pushing my limits. I was done crying, I was going to edge damnit. 

So you see, life is strange. Why we don’t accept our minds and our sexuality is stranger. I could lament and wonder why it wasn’t sooner that I had this life affirming epiphany, but you can’t go back. Only forward. 

If you have any questions regarding this post, always feel free to write me at my email. I’m more than happy to help you with your own journey.  

Have I become the overbearing Father Figure?

You know the one. The one that continually expresses concern, long after the person says, perhaps with an eye roll, ‘Dad, I’m fine’.

Maybe, in the absence of not having children, my mind, the part that is biologically ready to break out into fatherhood, was just assimilated by my Daddy Dominant state of mind.

If you’re wondering if I’ve gone mad, you’re probably not wrong. But the psychological state of affairs when it comes to BDSM and the relationship it has with my mind will fascinate me endlessly.

If I had to analyse right here right now, I would say my personality, the one that got the rug pulled out from under him in regards to how people can deceive or manipulate, the one that developed an anxiety disorder, now lays everything out on the table with people. I’m honest because I expect that in return. How they respond is their choice – but me? I want to be pure. I don’t want deceit or manipulation or fear.

And the older I get, and the more confident or used to who I am and my place in the world, my personality has kind of matured into this Father Figure. And BECAUSE of what I experienced through friendship and relationships, I’m overbearing in my caring.

It happens with my lady – I’ll send her to bed if I notice her eyes falling out of her head. It happens to my friend, when I ask if she’s happy where she is in life. And it happens to people who write in sometimes, where I try to create as safe a place as possible for them to feel at ease if they want to ask what they feel is a silly question. 

Not everybody wants to chat in a prolonged state, sure. But more often then not, I can sense when there’s a sentence on the tip of someone’s tongue and they either don’t want to burden me – this stranger – or they feel – well, pick one. Silly. Strange. Ashamed. Pathetic.

So now I try to combat that, albeit gently, by creating a safe space to each and every one. And if that’s annoying, I’ll take the blame of being this overbearing, slightly strict father figure or Daddy Dominant.

Just know I’m aware of this aspect and ease it when I sense it! After all, who wants a lame Dad?