Frequently Asked Questions About A Mentor & Mentoring

What exactly IS a BDSM Mentor?

A Mentor can either be a Dominant or submissive who has been in the lifestyle for quite some time. Their role is to act like a friend first and a guidance counsellor second, listening to the pupil / student, answering any questions they have and recommending valuable resources that pertain to their interests. The period of time that they help the individual depends solely on the individual themselves.

I will note that Trust is very, very important to build and to have between the individual and the Mentor, for there can be types out there that use Mentoring as a guise to prey on those who really don’t know BDSM and it’s intricate dynamics and can end up falling victim to this.

Remember – watch for red flags, take your time and do not be rushed. Make sure their agenda lines up with your own, that your well-being is in their best interests. If it’s a Mentor you’re looking for, ask yourself this – could you get along with this person outside of BDSM talk?

Is a Mentor a sexual or romantic role?

No, absolutely not. While the topics discussed may be sexual in nature, I feel the Mentor’s role is to instruct and to guide and discuss.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant mentor?

This one depends entirely on the individual. Some would feel they benefit more from someone in the same dynamic, while others feel someone in the opposite dynamic could shed a light on unforeseen ground. That comes down to personal taste.

There is the argument that the individual would benefit learning from the community as a whole. I mean, I did that myself, spending my own time reading and learning, so I can’t argue against that – Why would I? But on the other hand, a newbie learning one-on-one with a mentor gives him or her the chance to discuss topics without other minds expressing themselves and potentially leading to confusion or overwhelming the individual.

Again, it’s really a matter of preference and what’s more comfortable for the individual.

What exactly do YOU do as a Mentor?

I like to just be a friend and listen, first and foremost. I think that’s the most important thing, to be there.

In the past, I would encourage sending an email to my blog address, and if they felt comfortable doing so after befriending one another, to talk on a platform of Instant Messaging, for any direct line.

I say ‘in the past’ because I’ve stopped being as active in offering help presently – purely because I don’t want to annoy. And I don’t want to cross any boundaries if the individual is married or in a relationship. I don’t want to interfere or influence, merely help on the individuals terms.

But beyond that, I offer advice, I suggest activities such as meditation and journaling as a way of self-healing. I have had one individual ask me for help in getting them motivated in their daily life – small self-help and healthy living things like that.

I answer questions best I can, quell anxieties about their own ideas / feelings, squash misconceptions, offer activities I used for my own anxieties and journey. And be a back up, go-to friendly ear.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

I’ve mostly had positive experiences in Mentoring and have even made a couple of good friends that have kept in touch and update me about their lives and their relationships and their own progress. This is the most rewarding thing I feel – knowing, in some way, maybe small, maybe more then that, that I’ve helped somehow.

I have had a negative experience too, last year. I came into contact with one person who only wanted to argue bitterly and he saw me as a focus point for that anger. I tried to get to the bottom of that anger but in the end, I had to cut contact. And being the sensitive person I am, that shook me quite a bit.

How does your lady / kitten feel about you Mentoring?

Before I started offering to help to anyone on the blog, I told her exactly what it was and what I hoped to do and why it was that I felt compelled to do so. I received her loving support. And If she was uncomfortable with any of it, I wouldn’t do it at all.

It can be a daunting thing, to journey into the world of BDSM. You may be worried you’ll fall into the pond when you just want to dip your toe. Just know you’re not alone in the journey – there are resources there within your reach. There are communities there full of the loveliest people that will help you as kindly as they helped me.

When it comes to seeking help, measure your options. Find what works best for you. Take your time on deciding if you want to work one on one or with the community – and most of all, be safe!

If you have any further questions, let me know and I can add this to the list – and if you ever need individual help, I’m always a message away! Good luck.

Why I Like To Mentor

I’ve been sitting here thinking a lot about my relationship to mentoring. Primarily because I haven’t been actively doing it lately. No real reason, it’s just something that has been inactive of late.

There are many reasons why I like to mentor – working closely with people, in areas I struggled with, is a passion of mine, while sharing resources and experiencing growth, both in myself as a teacher of sorts and in the individual on their own path, is a pure joy. Absolutely lovely.

Lending an ear to a problem or merely just talking through the thought process is always rewarding to me. I appreciate given the chance to help and try to do so where I can, which can go either way.

I do my best to be respectful and not intrusive. I remain sure to keep my own tastes in check so as to give the individual the whole board to view. I like to think of it as having me on a call. If there’s a question to be asked, a nightmare to puzzle over, I’m just a call away.

Being a mentor comes with misconceptions, one of which is that its a sexual relationship, which it is not. While mentoring may raise questions of a sexual nature, it’s purely platonic.

What exactly a mentor does is also a thing Ive been asked a lot. And that depends on the individual and what they seek. The main thing to consider is this: A mentor is a friend. A friend experienced in the ways of D/s and BDSM, mind you, but a friend none the less.

This friend may help be a life coach, provide you with resources and answer and their own time. This friend could be someone you’d text while sipping on a coffee in a cafe, while you tell them about your dreams. It’s entirely up to the individual and how much they want to share.

I don’t know why I’m compelled to mentor. I don’t know why it drives me to write a personal email, or to offer help where I can. But if I’m going to make peace with myself, to keep the peace with myself, I should start to accept my own mind, no matter how eccentric it may seem.

When I find out the answer, I’ll let you know.

Memoirs Of A Somewhat Mentor

When I started up this blog a few years ago, one of the first things I wanted to do was to provide any sort of help to anyone that felt confused or lost. To mentor.

To me, that meant being there as much as I could to answer any questions, offer concepts for exercises and just be a presence in this persons life as much as they wanted. To help where I once stumbled. 

I doubted myself at first. Who was I to offer help? Especially to someone who might be much older? And who would even take up that offer? This IS the Internet? 

Long story short, some people wrote in. And some people wanted a platform to talk in case they had any questions. And through email, sometimes rarely Kik, people listened to my advice. They challenged me – in a positive manner, questioning why I felt this way, why I became who I am today. Sometimes I listened to them, offering some ways in which they could challenge their own problems. Sometimes it was to get to the gym, sometimes it was a matter of insecurity. 

I’m humbled by every experience. It’s nice, sometimes, to hear that the lowly things I think and feel about myself aren’t necessarily true to someone else. So I’m honoured and touched in ways I could never cover in a blog post. 

Sometimes a person who has taken my advice writes in to say they’re going on a date. And it warms my heart that I played a bit part, even if it’s minuscule, in their lives.

Other times I feel like a broken record offering my help, but I just feel so strongly this need to help and nurture. It’s like I mentioned a few blog posts back about being an over protective father figure. It could be my kitten’s friend, or a mate of mine, or a mate’s sister – or my own sister. I feel this need to stand in front of this person and shield them, to use a dramatic metaphor. And this quality both embarrasses me – because I feel it’s unjust – and runs through my veins. 

So acting as a mentor – a friend, advisor, however you want to call it – warms my heart. Because I get to open the door to this person across the world I’d probably never meet if I didn’t challenge myself to write this blog. And I get to learn new things about myself, I get to challenge my perceptions. I get to help. 

Anyway. I won’t go on any longer. Have a lovely day!

The Manipulating Mentor

One thing that I want to talk about today is the idea that there are Dominants about there that are willing to manipulate the emotions of a newbie submissive in order to get beneath her clothes, is what I’ve read from readers. And this came back into my mind last night because I had a reader write in with a bunch of lovely thought out questions about being a mentor and one of them quite fairly questioned me. And rightly so. I question me at the best of times. And after all, this is the net and you have to be safe.

But it got me thinking.

A mentor shouldn’t be interested in playing with you.

There are so many branching thoughts to that question, isn’t there? Like

  • What if we started off as a mentor and student and developed stronger feelings?

That’s all well and good, Lord knows I can’t tell anyone how to live their life. So long as the mentor is genuinely interested in you and not in your tits.

But what I wanted to say is that a mentor isn’t your play partner. They are your teacher. They are there to talk to you in a personal environment about their experiences with the community, the different dynamics, over different dynamics overlap.

Now I’ve heard of mentors, specifically men – I haven’t yet heard of a female mentor doing this but they very well could exist – abuse this sacred trust of the new submissive and manipulate, by way of smooth talking, which has usually resulted in him getting what he wants with the confused woman asking if this is right. And it isn’t, it’s a gross violation of trust. I very rarely use the word ‘hate’. It’s potent and sentence stopping, but man oh man do I hate the idea of anyone taking advantage of a lost / new person.

And this usually results with the man losing interest. He just stops communicating altogether. Sometimes he finds another submissive to lure in.

The thing is, with these guys, they’re usually charming, they’re not straight up dicks until you corner them about something. They charm their way into your hearts. When they’re done, the general complaint I’ve heard is that they think the sub they have gotten their fill of is ready for their first actual Dominant. That’s their excuse.

A mentor should be more interested in promoting growth and working in mental health, as well as working with the submissive in areas that they feel they need personal help.

Is there room for attachment? Of course, and I am sure many might go onto successful relationships. But that kind of makes me uneasy, because they’re supposed to be the teacher. A friend. A strictly platonic relationship, like you would in college or high school. And I bet with that, some of us are thinking about role play now and during a connection between that fantasy and why some fall for the mentor. But each case is separate and unique and I am trying not to generalise here.

Bottom line is: Be wary of some mentors if there’s the slightest sign of douche bag-ness. Hell, be wary of me. I welcome it. I’ll answer questions about wariness till we are both exhausted.

 

 

 

Why do I mentor?


I wanted to talk about why I mentor. 
Some people here want to get more inside my head and mentoring, I think, is a key concept to me because it’s a representation of the things I want to achieve in my blog. 
So what does it consist of? 
I spent a long time fighting myself when I realised I shouldn’t have to. It’s why I mentor. 
Mentoring, for those just joining my blog, means for me to work one on one with you in a way that promotes healthy living, growth and self loving. I will teach you what I know in an environment where you can feel at ease and comfortable. It can be done face to face but as most of it is exercises and a lot of talking, online works as well. 

During my time mentoring a person, they will learn about
– etiquette in the lifestyle
– Rules and regulations 

– The different concepts of BDSM

– Pushing beyond any barriers

Additionally, I focus on any fear they have, or insecurity they are dealing with and ways in which they can combat this to feel a little bit more at ease.
It’s important to feel strength, it’s important to feel powerful and in control. And where needed, I help to find out the answers for this person, find where I’m needed.
What’s in it for you?
I get to help. You have no idea how much that’s satisfying for me. 
Just knowing that I’m helping somebody wake up and fight through the muck is incredible. That and I love being teacher. I live to educate. There’s always a sense of longing there.
Do you help both men and women?

Yes I do. There are differences to be addressed among both sexes and I offer my help to all. All I ask of them first is that they approach the idea with an open mind. 
Some people get shy. Some might want to come forth but change their minds at the last second. If you’re reading this and you are that person, I want to implore you to come forth. All are welcome, there is no judgement and there certainly wouldn’t be any imposing on me or bugging me. Remember: I want to help.
The last thing I want to say is this: I don’t know how good I could possibly be. I’m no trained psychiatrist. I just help where you want me to and where I can. 
Any further questions?

Should BDSM be taught in Sex Ed. in High Schools?

My kitten brought this article to my attention:
https://m.mic.com/articles/151964/should-we-teach-teens-about-bdsm-in-sex-ed?utm_source=policymicFB&utm_medium=ever&utm_campaign=CMfacebook#.pyXW0IMrI
If someone were to ask me if BDSM should be taught in Sex Ed in High School, I would answer yes. Absolutely yes.
Here’s why: Because there’s a good chance students are struggling with feeling isolated or alienated because they don’t understand. 
Because it will guide students between right and wrong ways of Dominance and submission.
Because it can teach students about connection and safety.
I’m not saying to go in depth, with prac and such. Lord no! But health and safety is priority and as such, an exercise in BDSM could very well be what the student requires. It could be something cleansing in the area for mental health. 
Now it’s easy for me to say that. I don’t have children. I don’t plan on it. I can’t possibly know what it’s like to be a parent. Maybe the idea of a teacher teaching that is strange. But sex ed is already sort of strange and there should or would be a study plan drawn up so its kept educational and not harmful or uncomfortable. 
I’ve been in a position where I’ve had the opportunity to respond to questions from teenagers who have read my blog. It’s satisfying in that it helps me with the sense of sadness that I feel for those out there that need help but are afraid to come and seek help. To those people, I would say to come forward. To me or to anyone you feel you can trust. Because there is no shame. That is absolute, for anything. Anything. 
Off my high horse now, navigating teenage life and all its turmoil is tough. Navigating those feelings, like you’re a freak, like what you want is wrong, is terrifying. I will tell you as an adult, doing all sorts of kink still hits my system of a tonne of bricks. Like I need to feel guilty for being an animal. Primal. Who I fucking am.
So to me, a unit in sex ed. would help combat these feelings. It could help with stress, mental health, isolation, insecurity, the whole she bang of self hatred. 
It’ll probably never happen because people might rally against and use all sorts of ill informed malarkey about it. But the thing those people need to take away from this is that it could combat mental health. 
Until then, I’m like some BDSM vigilante in the night*. Helping those in need. Appearing in open windows and fuelling your dreams with the darkness that comes from my mind. Making you wonder if the thing that challenges you, frightens you, might very well turn you on.
Until then, I’m happy to do my best to help those who want it, need it. It’s why I started this blog. It’s why I started my Kik.
*= I’m joking, in case you think I’m being self important.