Just Write

So. I just got an email from a reader of my blog and it struck me as sad and it’s for these reasons that I want to write this piece.

If you’re going to write in to me, if you want to write in to me, there’s a couple things I, personally, want you to know and understand.

I’m not as busy as you think. I’m not running around like a headless chook, know that while I may work, I also definitely check my email daily and respond in full as soon as I can.

I don’t respond to emails to be polite to you, to what a reader described as ‘a self proclaimed fangirl’ – I respond because I want to. You must understand, I started this blog not just to share my fantasies and satisfy a part of me, I did it in case it could inspire someone as awkward as I was when I started off.

So I love hearing from people – young, old, male, female, Australian, American, Norwegian – the more the merrier. Language barriers be damned! I love conversing with people and I love talking BDSM and it’s lifestyles.

Whether you’re a fan or seeking answers or even if you a bone to pick with me about something I wrote. Grill me. I welcome all of it, criticism, friendly chatter, the like.

You’re not bothering me. At all. In all my years of blogging, in responding to the kind people that write in, I can honestly say not one email has bugged me, not one. Even if one person has a laundry list of questions, I’ll sit down and work it out with them until they’re more spent then I am. Seriously. So never ever think that YOU are the person that will be too much for me, because that just won’t be the case. Try me, I dare you!

Do you want to write but don’t know what to say? Do you feel stupid because I can talk so openly and you find it rough to? I’ve had years to process how I feel, to work to rise above my own shyness. I was the same as you in the beginning. We all start somewhere and blossom on our own time.

I will say this though – just write. Don’t worry about grammar or context or anything, just write. I honestly care not for long novel-length texts, I read every word and respond. I’ll even write a long novel-length email of my own.

Start at the beginning. Write how you feel. Find a place to start at, to get the ball rolling, and then just let it go – just write and let it loose. If it feels good, write it. If it doesn’t, write it anyway and send it.

Too many times have I read that someone wanted to write in sooner or deleted several iterations of the email they just sent – and it breaks my heart.

I know I can’t TELL people what to do. I know I can’t get people to talk as frankly as I do, but I’m writing this because I want you to know, anything you have to say, in any way, is perfectly A-OK by me and that you should not feel shame or delete what you write, because I mostly certainly want to read it. Don’t even press that delete button or I’ll slap a crop against your knuckles!

Be yourself. That’s all I ask of you. Everything else, please don’t worry. I’m not as scary as your mind makes me out to be!

TD&D

30 Days of Kink – Day #27: I’m a Day Dreamer!

Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

I’ve been do slack putting these up the past few days – my deepest apologies to the person following this daily.

To answer the question, my non-kink interests always find their way to kinky activities. Where you there when I wrote about Ariel submitting to Ursula as a Slave in exchange for human legs? I’m a huge Disney fan! I set a path to Disneyland and World when I visited the states.

Did you ever read HERA? It was a story for a competition I created last year or the year before. In it, a group of spacefarers investigate a dormant spaceship floating quietly in space, only for them to fall victim to a erratic AI becoming conscious and developing the mindset of a mistress.

It incorporated another favourite genre of mine – science fiction – and has ties to Greek mythology as well, both things I am an avid fan of.

When it comes to writing erotica, I like moving against the grain. I find to do so makes for a challenge to me as someone creating the world in ways it will pay off at the end of the tale – but I also like to challenge the reader. It’s always nice to get an email saying ‘I’m not normally a science fiction fan, or like anime, or I don’t like rape fantasies – but this really took my breath away” – to me that’s a job successfully done.

I can’t help it either, you know? Being inspired by the world around me, or incorporating other things I like into genre. For me, it just comes naturally that I want to experiment with ideas – and there’s freedom to here because I trust readers will definitely tell me what works and what doesn’t. It’s a good place to experiment.

The long-running VALHALLA is another example. I love Norse mythology and fantasy and put both into the story around the more kinky aspects like the M/s dynamic. I actually borrow a lot from old Norse texts, lifting Valkyrie names from the Prose Edda and putting them into the story. Kára is one Valkyrie from the Prose Edda, envisioned here as a fiery soul, like a feisty middle child with problems of her own.

I know what you’re thinking though – yes, yes – enough about what you like to write about, what about your sex life? Well does psychology count as a non kink activity? I mean it IS kinky too to a degree but it doesn’t quite fit into the spectrum.

I’m interested in how minds operate and why. I’m interested in encouraging minds to break free of whatever aspect that is blocking them from that liberation. I’m interested in chipping away at armour in someone piece by piece to see what’s underneath and how we can play with that together.

There’s something really REALLY sexy about finding an aspect in someone that they never knew existed. Maybe it’s an interest, maybe it’s heightened pleasure. To break them when they say they can’t be broken.

Then it’s something as simple as walking out the door right? I walk out the door, ready to grab a coffee for the day (praise and glory be to the coffee) and all of a sudden I’m thinking how I can push kitten against this wall and making her whimper.

I’m constantly thinking about the world and the people around me and turning them into stories I can write about.

I’m a day dreamer.

How Can You Tell If You’re Dominant Or Submissive?

Ladies and gents, I’m kinda stumped.

Early in the week, I was talking to a lady about how to implement kink into her marriage with her husband, when she ran a question by me – How do you know if you’re Dominant?

I answered that question best I could in the moment, running my own experiences with identifying the feeling by her, hoping it would connect somehow. But now, days later, I’m still thinking it over. I don’t really know HOW. It all seems so organic looking back.

I have also recently had someone ask me If they’re still fully submissive if they enjoy being bratty – there’s a lot of misunderstanding about the persona and how it applies to the individual.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of confused and alone people out there with a laundry list of questions and no one to ask. I’m more than happy to answer anything anyone has to ask, be you male, female, teenager, adult, new to the lifestyle or in the middle of a transformation or even someone with an inkling of kinkling.

Anyway, I thought I would try to the answer the question at length, hoping newcomers to BDSM might relate and it can help them in their own journey.

In the beginning, I had these feelings that I had understanding of. I didn’t know I could file my name calling under ‘Degradation and Humiliation’ nor did I understand why I was so interested in control – in exercising authority over my girlfriend. In these stages, there was no real sense of D/s and aftercare because I was immature and these feelings were immature and coarse and unrefined.

Before I continue, let me just write that there’s no absolute way for one person. Everyone is different and works differently.

I should say that my own development has come with a certain degree of blind luck. I met certain people at the right time in my life, people like me, through Fetlife or the semi-sketchy anonymous confessional app Whisper. I was a lucky bastard. I had the blessing of shaping who I was through encounters along my twenties.

Fetlife was a big player in my path, I would say. By signing up and looking around, I could see I wasn’t alone. I could even put a name to my kinks and thus have some semblance of understanding.

Google helped too, in a way, acting as a gateway to all sorts of media – books, images, blogs, people, Kink. Suddenly I knew of words like ‘Dominance’ and ‘submission’ and ‘dynamic’. Combine this with Fetlife and I had opportunities to feel the gravitational force to someone who was submissive. I’m talking, heart racing, cock hardening, breath quickening gravitational forces that helped me realise something was within me.

I know what you’re wondering. ‘Okay, but how does someone know if they’re dominant? Or even submissive?’

The best advice I can give is that it starts with an idea. Have a google of key concepts that come to mind when you think of BDSM – blindfolding, handcuffs, dirty talk. Start small. See if something strikes up your fancy.

If you want to reach deeper, have a look at concepts within a D/s relationship, such as setting tasks and rules and maintaining order. See if any of these concepts appeal to you on a base level. Try not to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information – there can be a lot to learn but you can easily break it up into easily digestible parts.

Start small. Start light. A bit of spanking, a bit of issuing commands – talk to your partner about what they would like to try and see if it strikes a chord with you on any level.

The last advice I can give is to be open to yourself and to your partner. That goes for likes and dislikes and even if you’re uninterested. But always be open to trying at least. You never know what you’ll find on the road less travelled.

An Awkward Dominant on Hair Pulling

There’s something so delightfully wicked about hair pulling. I mean, besides the gut wrenching feeling rising from my balls to coil in the pit of my stomach, there’s this animalistic savagery to it that draws me in, there’s something so satisfying about grabbing a Fistful of her hair, turning her head, exposing her neck, sinking her teeth in.

There’s something about dragging her behind you while her strangled whimpers attempt an apology, No Siree she definitely won’t talk back because by the time I’ve finished claiming her she will have lost her voice in losing her mind.

I like the idea of the pain she could feel. I can almost sense it splintering off from her scalp, sending lightning fast jagged forks of hurt down to her breasts where it spirals around her nipples, transforming pain into maddening ecstasy.

And yet – wait. Pump the brakes.

All this occurred in my mind, for what felt like hours. In actuality, this scene, these sensations, pass in a heartbeat. Time is a fickle mistress.

Every time I get the urge to do this, to act it out, my mind relents. It gives way to this softer version of myself. I don’t know if this is an anxiety disorder matter or a confidence issue – I just feel….shy. I feel gentle. And every time we get to this point, and kitten is open to this as I am, I pause. I worry I will break her.

I know what you’re thinking – so talk to her, tell her how you feel. Ask for help in gaining confidence. I know. I know. We do – she knows my tells, she reads my face. We’re both good at communicating – it just doesn’t seem to help much. I still have pockets of time where I feel too loving.

This isn’t a new issue with men. Just yesterday I spoke to a woman whose husband struggled to be tougher with her, for the similar reasons. Here’s the thing too – I gave her advice that I could take myself.

Love can often get in the way, we often reach this lovely sense of comfort that can get in the way of the moment. The trick is to be confident within yourself to trust your partner and yourself with safety parameters.

So I guess I’ll begin again.

30 Days of Kink: Day #13 – In Which I Attempt to Explain Why Kink Appeals to Me

Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Oof! How much time have you got to read? Ask anyone you know that has written to me personally about how I can ramble about any given topic to anyone that will listen. Which, now that I write that down, doesn’t sound too inviting. Hmm.

What is the appeal of kink? I think I’ve always been drawn to psychology in some way. I’ve always wanted to study it at university but chickened out because I felt I wasn’t smart enough to get by in that regard.

The reason why I bring up psychology is because the idea of peeling back minds and getting to the heart of the matter, the psyche of someone, of knowing someone on a very intimate level is very stimulating to me in many ways.

And so the idea of bearing my soul, of exploring these fantasies I felt were too tough and gritty and off, with someone who felt the same way about their own minds, was a beautiful thought. It spoke to my meaning of life for me because it was very much about coming to terms with my own humanity.

For the longest time I’ve been trying to decipher how I feel and what that means – not only for myself but, like, at all. For this life. So to let go off all of that worry and become almost symbiotic with someone else – it was liberating. To explore the far reaches of your mind without judgement and explore our humanity and what it means to like these things and why, that is all soulful and gorgeous to me in ways I could never succinctly express.

As for why I’m drawn to all this beyond that reasoning? I’m not sure I know exactly why. I know I like the allure of dark things – I’m drawn to gothic eroticism for example, for how it can deftly juggle both aspects and create a satisfying pull between them.

I don’t know why I feel the need to want to practice 24/7 D/s – or why I feel compelled to such ideas as ownership and sadism. I just know that without them, I’m not really who I am anymore. I’m prone to mood swings and depersonalisation and depression because there’s no outlet or anything you know? There’s no way to circumvent.

30 Days of Kink – Day #5: My First Kinky Experience

What was you first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t yet had that first time write about what you hope to have happen.

My first kinky sexual experience? Gosh. I would have to say that it was during my teenage years when I would masturbate in strange places. I did a lot of strange shit as a kid, from masturbating in a KFC, grinding my cock into the carpet of a bedroom so I feel that rough burn, I’ve tasted my own come as a teenager.

I can’t quite remember my first sexual kinky experience, as nothing fucks you harder than time, but I do know that I experimented with sight and sound and sensation. Even masturbating with the vibrations from a gaming controller. I played a lot with masturbating in a bath, you see, or out in the rain, or swimming naked.

But! If we really want to talk ab actual non-singular physical sexual experience, I guess that would be letting a play partner see that primal side of myself unabashedly. Just straight up – no false pretences, no bullshit, none of this falsely polite talk and reserved feelings that can come out – just her and I communicating our deepest darkest fantasies with one another in a cosy little space away from the rest of the world. That was erotic on a very deep psychological level because it was about realising there was power in my voice and eyes more then I knew. More than I could even control.

Yes, I think if we want to talk the moments that blew my mind, it was from realising, somehow I’m still unsure about, that my voice and my words alone had the power to cause this play partner to orgasm. Just hearing the utter confusion ripple through her wavering voice – ‘what the shit? This is…insane’ – just that breathlessness from someone was a very psychological, very powerful moment.

It was a step in understanding that there was power in me, as silly as that might sound. Dormant power right? Things I didn’t know about my self or how I behaved that could bubble to the surface. Small attributes that could effect my partner in a big way.

30 Days of Kink – Day #1: Me, Myself & I

It has been three years since I last did this 30 Days of Kink questionnaire. I’ve been thinking about doing it again for some time, mainly because I sense I’ve grown so much – I sense it in myself. But I’ve put it off for a few reasons – one, because I felt cheap to do a retread, and two – because I honestly don’t know how much interest it would garner for the current list of readers.

I’m putting myself out there, hoping it is warmly received. That being said, in the interest of being honest, I will state that I haven’t read my previous answers to these thirty questions that I wrote down back in 2015 when I was 27, so I’m going in with a completely fresh mind.

I hope you join me.

Dominant, submissive or switch? List the parts of BDSM that get your juices flowing, what interests you the most? Basically define your kinky nature.

I’m a Dominant man that hails from the land of Oz! But within the dominant frame of mind, I’ve found that I identify with other aspects, such as a Master, a Daddy and a primal.

I think the thing that gets my juices flowing the most is that psychological component of the interaction, sexually but especially non-sexually. By psychological component, I mean the little details that bring out expressions in people. For me, these expressions include a change in posture, a change in demeanour. Little shifts in voice and outward appearances that are not noticeable to me but are to my kitten.

To me, it’s like I’m witnessing this transformation of someone, this very special part that they choose to show to me. And it can manifest in the eyes, the voice and in the mind.

I find these details within us, these sides of our personality, to be incredibly delicious – and also incredibly delightful to meet. I could talk with a submissive mind all night, I’m that invested in hearing differences of opinion. The more different to mine, the better.

Beyond that, I’ve found that there needs to be a level of control in my life – and this goes beyond mere sexual gratification, although there is that wonderful part – but there’s something about ownership and leadership and protocol and structure in a D/s dynamic that brings absolute joy to my life. It brings peace. It’s a very spiritual and important thing to me.

That being said, I’ve noticed different sides of my personality since I began my journey that have ignited passion and imagination in my mind. I’ve found I have a side of me with Master tendencies, that either comes out in stories or fantasies. I’m drawn to that Master / Slave mindset, finding peace within the dynamic of law and order and protocol and training and obedience.

On the other side of the coin, I’m a Daddy. I have this insatiable desire to help those in need, either friends of friends or friends in general and my kitten. I have this strangest sensation like I’m some sort of Dad to my kitten at times, or that I feel like one – it’s the weirdest sensation to put down into words.

It’s partially why I offer Mentoring, because sometimes I face such an ache in my heart when I hear the frustration of someone who writes in, and I can’t bear that pain in others.

I’m a big kid at heart, I love reading to people – Lewis Carrol, Dr. Suess – and I love animation, so Disney marathons are a must in my household. You’ll even catch me singing them too.

Lastly, I’m a primal. That was my gateway to kink even when I didn’t know it. Exhibitionism, nudity, speaking freely – I had been shy and repressed for so long that it became a practice to not reject any thoughts that came to mind. It also helps alleviate my anxiety, if that makes sense.

If you’ve made it this far, and I certainly hope you have, I hope you’ve enjoyed the read and if you have any questions regarding any of the above, by all means, pick my mind. I welcome the discussion.

And if you’re new to this 30 Days of… – try it yourself. I’d love to hear from you!