Balancing The Scales: On Anxiety and Giving Guidance

When it comes to helping people, there’s always this part of my mind that jumps to feeling guilty about it. And at the same time that I know why I feel guilty, I don’t really know why I know why I feel guilty.

I recognise it though, this feeling of imposing, of bugging, of intruding. I know it comes from a lack of self confidence. Which comes from my teenage years, of being soft spoken, of having a quiet voice and of doubting each word that comes out of your mouth.

I’ve been anxious before I knew what anxiety really was and could create. And maybe that’s always been with me, and IS with me as I stumble along in the dark.

I offer my help – to readers here, because of my own struggles in my journeys. But when I do so, I’m hit with a wave of questions, more noticeably one that asks – why is this so important to you?

I’ve wrote about this before, this Daddy-esque feeling, this overwhelming desire to console and guide where help or guidance is needed. And it doesn’t just stop at BDSM and the lifestyle, it extends to any issue. It extends to friends. To friends of friends. To strangers. To family.

I’ve written to my lady’s friends when I sense a troubled mind in their posts. And I can’t help it. You better believe I fight it. I don’t want to sound like I’m preying on a vulnerable time, I don’t want to sound or feel like a creep – yet I’m driven forward by this need to offer help.

I don’t offer it aggressively. Or repeatedly. I mean, I do here but that’s only because I sometimes want to reach out to new followers because I sometimes receive a private message in which the person states they’ve been working up the courage to write to me – and I don’t know why, because I’m the friendly neighbourhood teddy bear.

But I offer help gently. Once, and then I’m gone. The old me would’ve obsessed with stressing it’s okay to write to me but now I know best to leave it to the individual. They will if they want.

So: I don’t know why I feel like I’d be intruding. Maybe it’s just residual anxious thoughts best left to throw out with the trash. Maybe it’s more important – a defect in my mind? I’m all for a balance and if I have a need to help and guide, what’s on the other scale?

All I know is I can be driven by a need to help anyone either from this blog or otherwise. It’s my honour. And sometimes I feel bad about that.

Advertisements

This Blog Has Gone International

 

So I took a look at my stats just now – it’s something I like to do once in a while, just to gauge how some writings are working for people – and I couldn’t help but notice this blog has kind of gone international, which is really effing cool.

 

I mean, I started out in a dark bedroom, nervous as hell that what I was writing was going to be perceived as weird and naïve. I’m still that way after three years writing here, though less so.

 

Never ever did I think I’d get much of a response from anyone, let alone reach places like Mexico or South Africa.

 

Before I get giddy about all things writing, internet and stats, I just want to say thank you to each and everyone of you. Even if you don’t comment, are shy to comment, whether your English isn’t good (in your eyes) or you don’t know where to start. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. This support means a tremendous amount and helps me to write, even on my most anxious days.

 

Now, for anyone interested: USA is the biggest source of hits most days, usually followed the UK and Australia. That may or may not be myself and my kitten though. If any Aussies are lurking, please stand up! It’d be nice to connect.

 

Outside of those top three, things vary. I’m not a tech guy, I don’t know what’s a genuine reader or a bot. For all I know, AI could be taking a liking to BDSM and found my blog. There’s a Sci-Fi story for later – an artificial person discovers BDSM and yearns to be human.

 

Anyway.

 

Usually Canada knocks Australia out of the top three, sometimes it’s Germany that takes that place. Spain, Brazil, Portugal, France – these are all places I’d never ever thought I could connect to.

 

I’m not going to delude myself. Not everyone that comes by would like my writing, that’s the nature of the beast. I know this. Still though, I am just like a kid in a candy store, just grateful and giddy and eager to know everything and I’ve always been a bit of a chatterbox despite any language barrier or difference of opinion.

 

So. If You’d Like, feel free to drop by the comments section and say hello. If you are self conscious, feel free to email. If you feel you aren’t good with English, write anyway. I love language, I would work to translate and communicate.

 

But absolutely no obligation to anyone.

 

I’m just happy you guys are along for the ride.

 

Memoirs Of A Dominant

Next week I will be turning thirty.
And looking back on the last ten years of my life is a strange and beautiful thing.

I’ve had the gift of life given to me but also of laughter and love and yeah, even Dominance. 

When I was twenty, I didn’t know what I do now. 

You could say I was Dominant, but I was coarse and unrefined. 

I could dominate – and I did – but it wasn’t with any sort of awareness of the bigger picture. I was playing chess one square at a time rather than the whole board.

Unknowingly, I had formed D/s relationships but neither me nor the lady I was with knew that. All I knew was that I had gone from being a loner to suddenly an attractive man – well, in the eyes of others anyway. At 20 I was insecure with myself in a way that I’m not now. 

My twenties were spent outside of anything BDSM related. There were flickers of it: The degradation that came out in my teens also came out in the bedroom. But I didn’t know terms, dynamics, things I wanted. I was coarse and unrefined and in a strictly vanilla relationship. 

It was around the time of my mid-twenties when something inside me awoke. Suddenly I wanted to learn. 

I was afraid to learn – there were times in the middle of the night where I woke from a dream to an ache I had ignored due to some of that catholic guilt I was raised with coming out – but I still had that desire. 

My long-term girlfriend at the time was not interested in the slightest. Not even after me trying to introduce to her some things I wanted to try. We simply were not compatible, though we hung onto each other long anyway.
Her dismissal led me to blogs and sites and that’s where I discovered Fetlife. That’s where I discovered apps like Whisper.

Suddenly I was finding that education I was so scared about. I deleted and signed up to Fetlife numerous times before I created the profile that exists today. 

Through whisper, I met a bubbly young lady. She was eighteen. I was 26 at the time. 
Blonde hair, blue eyes, piercings over her face and nipples. 
I did not have an affair with her, if that’s what you’re thinking. As I write this now, I can see that this was the origin of my Daddy side. 

You see, she came from a broken home. She was constantly in a state of distress. And over the weeks, we would talk and I would help in any way I can – because…well, because she felt like a little sister to me. 

The universe is a strange thing. It brings people together, it pulls people apart. And I guess, in that time, the universe gave me someone to talk to who was just as much seeking answers as I was. 

We would talk about our interests, mainly though, we would talk shit. And it was pleasant. 

I don’t know where she is now, but looking back, I think that was instrumental in forging my Daddy side. My caring side. My nurture side. 

EVENTUALLY my long term relationship with my girlfriend fell apart. We stopped being friends, we hung out in different rooms after work. We simply weren’t compatible. 

At the time, I wanted to fight. I felt that was what I wanted to do – fight for her. But when she showed no interest in fighting back, I decided to drop my compulsion to fix things or solve things and just…let her go. 

In the months after, I sought to explore myself. I moved in with my parents for a while, Iogged back into Fetlife. I took nude selfies despite my lingering guilt post-relationship. I wrote songs too. Really on-the-nose songs, with titles like ‘Penultimate’ and ‘Signposts’. It was my way to heal.

Through Fetlife – through people, really – I learnt what I was once too scared to learn. I spoke to women I befriended. Some I was drawn to on a really primal level. They helped point out what I was feeling. 

I had plenty of fascinating conversations about minds and life just staying in the intimate space of my childhood bedroom. In a lot of ways I was doing a loop, folding over back into my childhood town. Adulthood is weird.

But I learned I was a primal. I learned I was a Daddy. I had a six hour edging session – and I’m not exaggerating to prove something, I spent the majority of that day in bed pushing my limits. I was done crying, I was going to edge damnit. 

So you see, life is strange. Why we don’t accept our minds and our sexuality is stranger. I could lament and wonder why it wasn’t sooner that I had this life affirming epiphany, but you can’t go back. Only forward. 

If you have any questions regarding this post, always feel free to write me at my email. I’m more than happy to help you with your own journey.  

The Mind is Always Evolving


I don’t think there will ever be a time where I’ll stop growing and evolving. Where I will reach the limit of my growth and can say ‘well, I’m definitely into all of these things and kinks, there’s nothing else’.
Though that’s sometimes frustrating, especially when someone asks ‘well, what do you identify as?’ And I have to stumble on my words to say I’m a mix of things, it’s also a thing of beauty. Because there will always be something brand new to discover. 
For example, there’s a huge part of me that identifies with the 19th century gentleman and this unspoken undercurrent of Dominance and submission. Jane Eyre, apart from being a terrific read in general, was deeply erotic for me. 
And I identify with this gentleman because a big part that I’m drawn to is regulation. Polite wording like ‘Pardon me’ instead of ‘huh?’, standing up straight – etiquette like that – it speaks to me.
And there’s so many different nuances to something like that. Chin up, beck straight, hands to the side, hands behind your back, ask for permission to go out with your girlfriends, all these different things that branch off to different concepts and regulations and ways in which the relationship can evolve or adapt.
But then aside from this strict gentleman, or the 1950’s household hybrid of that gentleman, there are the other aspects of my personality that I’ve discovered along the way, the Daddy and the Master.
The Daddy aspect has always been with me, I think, since my early twenties. And as I got older and more at ease with myself, it has been more prominent and refined. I’m sure if I co wrote a blog with my lady, she could vouch for times it comes out – say, if she’s snacking before dinner and I tell her not to, she can hear it in my voice. Or if she’s ill but staying up late. Of if I want to read to her or be by her side when she colours. 
Recently, I’ve felt a different side bubble to the surface that bears similar traits to a Master. This crosses over with the 19th century gentleman, as the concept of setting rules and regulations in a M/s environment with many different concepts also at play intrigues me. But it’s also not quite the dynamic that fits my current relationship, as my kitten and I sit somewhere between the M/s and Daddy / LG concepts. 
It’s weird to explain because the mind shifts at any given moment and borrows traits from established roles. So it’s a mix.
And as such, I think I will always be finding out new things about my mind. Maybe I’ll change. Maybe this relationship will change. The How’s and the Why’s can be pondered all night, and this thought is lengthy enough. 
Bottom line is that I’m always growing and learning and finding new ways to live and play and explore and that’s beautiful. 
How about you, stranger? Are you a mix?

This Couple In A M/s relationship made Australian News?! 

For the original story, click here

So, hang on a minute. Hold the phone. Or go to press, whatever you’d like. 

I mean, yes hi it’s me. I’ve suffered a cold and have been reborn, but just look at this. 

This article, written by a Danielle Colley, about a middle-aged couple in a M/s just popped up in my NEWS section of my phone and….huh? What? This is news? Where did this come from? Why? And why now?

I’m baffled, really. You don’t see this sort of thing happening – and it’s in my home state as well so extra wow factor – it’s always nice seeing people so close to you in this life –  but good curly fries, what a surprise that this made news at all. I opened the article expecting to have a giggle at the way the person documented it, and does get a giggle for sounding a bit distanced from the subject, but it’s still here. Someone signed off on this, someone thought of reporting it. Why? I have no idea? Because of click bait?  No, let’s not be cynical. It’s about love. It’s about love in all the different places. 

While we may not grasp this kind of lifestyle, there is no doubt that this duo of kinksters are deeply in love. Kim says, “i am safe, i am loved, i am cared for, i am protected, and i am complete.”

All anyone can ask is to feel secure, protected and happy in a relationship, and we all get there in different ways.”
This, ladies and gents, is just sweet. It’s the perfect tonic for the night! Kim Debron, Master Joe! My hats off to you all! Especially you, miss Colley, for writing or wanting to write something about this. 

What a lovely little sentiment! Ole! 

30 Days of Dominance – Day 19 – The Social Aspects

Day 19 – How socially connected are you as a Dominant? Do you look for others to talk to about your Dominance either for support, learning, educating or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
I’m not connected with the community here in the glorious Melbourne, Australia, no. I think that’s because I quite like the quietness that comes with just kitten and I.
At the same time, my anxiety is a killer. I do my best to work on it but it, more often then not, causes havoc. It’s part the reason why I built up my Patreon. I’ve tried work and between my quietness and stomach uneasiness, I can’t function. Which is why I’m looking at working from home. But anyway, 
This is part reason why I started the blog. To connect with the community. Of course then, I had no idea it would be received well, and now that I am, I’m happy to offer mail, Kik or Fetlife for those that want to bridge the gap between people. And it’s been lovely to pass on to others what I know and what I developed in my own journey. 
I don’t often talk religiously with readers, but ladies and gents and lurkers, you guys know I’m always there. I know we get lonely, sad, depressed in our journeys, I’m more than happy to comfort any minds I can IF I can. 
But any kind of grouping I find hard because of anxiety. I tried once, with a group from Kik, but without reason they just kicked me and that kind of set me back a few squares on confidence. Ah well. 

Don’t forget to have a look at my Patreon over on http://www.patreon.com/darkanddominant

Even pledging $1 will be most appreciated and there’s plenty of goodies to consider!

Greetings from Queensland, Australia

I’m writing this from an airport in Queensland and it has me thinking. The sunny lands, blue sky, sun kissed folks, it’s dreamy. One of these days, I should write a series set in the sunny lands of Queensland, using the people and sunny setting as a reference and contrast for what would be taking place – lust, greed, demonic sexual possession and a hunger so insatiable it shakes the reader. Hopefully. 
We will see, for now. Until then, have a beautiful day /evening my friends!