Day 30 – Is your need to be Dominant being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and be happy and content without being able to express your Dominance in the way that feels best to you? What makes being a Dominant special to you?
Okay guys, this one’s the last one. It’s late but blame that on my mood and life being busy with its birthday dinners and fatigue on my soul.
Is my need to be Dominant being met? A resounding YES! I don’t feel edgy because I can’t be myself. I’m not wallowing in the dark because I’m in a bad place.
Now that side of me is fulfilled each and every day and you know, I still breathe a sigh of relief.
It’s been a couple of years since I was in a relationship where I had tried to introduce BDSM gently into my life but my partner wasn’t interested. And I can still feel that yearning like it was just a couple of months.
Maybe that was because I was caged or maybe because it was just a restrictive environment and something that has always been big to me is my independence. So since it was affecting me emotionally and in such a huge way, I can still kind of feel it.
What makes being a dominant special to me? Hmm. It’s knowing that I have this person’s trust and it’s knowing that I have someone to explore the things that make our humanity a richer experience. So it’s trust but it’s also more then trust, it’s that this person has given their body and mind to me – and I’m their guardian. I know this person, inside and out. That little freckle on her nipple? It’s mine. Her gentle nature that people compliment her on? Mine. Her large sexual appetite? Mine.
Being in charge of all of these things, of connecting to a soul in this lifetime, on a primal and intimate level. It’s complicated and mystifying and magical and sweet and that’s why it’s special.
Day 28 – Has your Dominance ever failed you? Have you ever been criticised or received negative feedback for your Dominance? Have you ever regretted your actions or emotions as a Dominant either in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and, if so, what lessons did you learn and how did you apply them?
Oh absolutely yes! Yes I have failed. Yes I have received negative feedback and yes I regret certain actions in a moment.
I think we all do. I think to err is to be human, or however it goes. But more importantly, I think it’s the way to learn. To improve yourself, to learn why things went wrong, where YOU went wrong. All these things and more.
There have been times where I’ve misread a moment and my Dom side has startled my kitten.
That look she gives me, the wounded, how could you do this? Look, that breaks my heart. Completely and utterly. In that moment, I’m destroyed.
It doesn’t happen as much as it did when we were first learning but there are times where I fail to read the moment. In that moment, we openly talk about the error I made or the miscommunication and we improve and move forward and I think that’s great.
And it would always come back to something I had said, which when released into the world was read a different way by my kitten. And when she mentions it, I can see where I went wrong.
What lessons did I apply? A personal one. For me to listen and be adaptive to encounters – whatever they may be at the time.
It also taught me to carefully consider my words and all possible alternative meaning to them before hand.
Day 23 – Is there anything about Dominance, either your own or what you see in others, which you question, dislike or are repelled by? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own Dominant needs and desires?
Ooh, tough question.
I wouldn’t say ‘question’ or ‘dislike’ but there are some methods I personally don’t think are for me. And that’s absolutely fine because that’s for someone else and who am I to judge? Me! The guy that wrote an erotic piece about a spectre from the ocean claiming a teenage girl! Y’know? So it’s hard to really say I dislike one person’s thing because I know that’s important.
At the end of the day, I think there’s some old school gentleman in me wrestling with my ideals. Or maybe it’s just sometimes I want to be cutesy and vanilla-ish. Yes that’s a word. I guess sometimes I want to be light, because I need that contrast and in that contrast I shy away from the harshness that may come with a contract or another Dom’s ideals.
Was there a time where I questioned or was resistant to my own ideals? I would have to say that that’s me most days, yeah. Because I doubt myself, to be honest. I doubt my ideas, or my ability to be sexy. And that creates internal conflict with the part of me that doesn’t care what outcome arrives, it just wants to fuck.
Day 19 – How socially connected are you as a Dominant? Do you look for others to talk to about your Dominance either for support, learning, educating or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
I’m not connected with the community here in the glorious Melbourne, Australia, no. I think that’s because I quite like the quietness that comes with just kitten and I.
At the same time, my anxiety is a killer. I do my best to work on it but it, more often then not, causes havoc. It’s part the reason why I built up my Patreon. I’ve tried work and between my quietness and stomach uneasiness, I can’t function. Which is why I’m looking at working from home. But anyway,
This is part reason why I started the blog. To connect with the community. Of course then, I had no idea it would be received well, and now that I am, I’m happy to offer mail, Kik or Fetlife for those that want to bridge the gap between people. And it’s been lovely to pass on to others what I know and what I developed in my own journey.
I don’t often talk religiously with readers, but ladies and gents and lurkers, you guys know I’m always there. I know we get lonely, sad, depressed in our journeys, I’m more than happy to comfort any minds I can IF I can.
But any kind of grouping I find hard because of anxiety. I tried once, with a group from Kik, but without reason they just kicked me and that kind of set me back a few squares on confidence. Ah well.
Don’t forget to have a look at my Patreon over on http://www.patreon.com/darkanddominant
Even pledging $1 will be most appreciated and there’s plenty of goodies to consider!
Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of Dominance? How do you inspire trust in your submissive?
In the context of my Dominance, I trust my submissive to recite her mantra. I trust her to remember her rules and regulations, in public and behind closed doors.
I trust that she honours and respects this between us in every way that we established when we first set off in our relationship.
I would say that I inspire trust in kitten by cementing that if she has a problem with a punishment I’ve issued, she can tell me straight away. I have told her that no matter what, she can voice anything to me without the fear of being punished and I’ve seen her become more open when we started dating and I told her this.
I think the submissive should never be worried about speaking out of turn, for that creates fear and fear leads to resentment.
Do you expect financial submission from submissive partner/s? If yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concept of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
Though I delight in giving my kitten something when she’s done something beautiful or flowers when she leasts expects it, I don’t do it with the intention that it will make her submissive towards me or that it will enhance our relationship in new ways. I don’t do it as some sort of sugar Daddy.
I think you have to be careful with that E cause that kind of behaviour can be a gateway to unhealthy living. Especially in this economy, and I wouldn’t advise a couple to go overboard with the whole concept.
I believe submission and interest in general should come from a deeper place, something less interested in materialistic things and less driven by the desire for objects. Such a desire could also lead to an uncomfortable living. What kind of relationship would it be if thousands of dollars would be used in the pursuit of submission? All that needs to come from within. And what if there’s rejection involved? And at the cost of something you bought? Then you’re left with that feeling of emptiness.
What do you feel are the roots of your Dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood, upbringing or parental example? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
I’ve often wondered this for hours, when the night comes and I’m left alone in the lounge room to be the night owl I am.
Is this my individuality, born out of the encounters across my lifetime, or is it something in the link passed down from my parents?
When I have to be firm with my kitten, when she wants to be a brat, I can hear my dad come out in a tone or an expression, but I just don’t know. My parents LOOK vanilla, they are conservative Catholics that would balk at the things I say or do, but then who can really say?
I often wonder this about my enjoyment of horror films and games and novels as well. Where did it come from? Why? Why is it that when I write, my stories are predominately about savagery? Surely my parents couldn’t behave like that? How could they? They feel so harmless.
So if it’s my mind, where did that come from? I was bullied as a teen and in primary school. Does that account for a sinister side, some rage deep down that is filtered through the acts of BDSM to be playful and harmless? (For clarification, no I would never be physically or emotionally abusive. I’ll ask kitten as I type and type her exact response: ‘No, because I trust you to honour the safe word and know my limits.”)
I’ll admit to there being a sexual thrill, I think we all can. But I think it goes deeper than that, because I love to nurture and I love that I’m protecting her. And not just her, I feel protective, in an embarrassing way, of her friends. I feel like I could shield these people, hold them and protect them. I’ll never go out and say that of course, because that sounds rapey as fuck. But there’s always a mental side of me wanting to protect.
I guess I don’t really know what to think. Maybe it’s a combination? It’s probably just going to be another mystery of life.