Who Is The Man And Who Is The Monster?

That’s the riddle, right? Who is the monster and who is the man?

I’ve always been a fan of monsters, especially their dual nature and the theme behind their transformation. Jekyll and Hyde, The Wolf Man, Frankenstein – hell, throw in Mister Rochester. There is always a drive to this tragedy, something deeply saddening and yet quite dark. There’s humanity, indeed, but a monstrosity. And which is which?

I generally feel like this when reflecting on BDSM and D/s relationships and it’s relationship to me, especially in the month leading up to Halloween, where you’ll find me indulging in decadent delight! Oh how I love to let the creature slumbering within come alive more so than any month. I feel charged. And I know some of you mystics out there can explain this to me – I hope you can.

And yet, where is the line? What is me, the ordinary joe? And what is the dominant? The rough around the edges beast? And what does that mean, that I can’t tell where the line is sometimes? Am I beast pretending to be a man? A man trying to be a beast? Perhaps I’m a mad man that thought I was sane for a while.

A reader, a lovely reader I don’t see around anymore, once encouraged me to speak about dominance and how it relates to me and how I live and breathe it. And sometimes I slip so easily into Sir that maybe I was this dark creature with sadistic tendencies all along. Which one is the mask here? The guy the world sees or the guy you, The readers, see? As the month goes on, maybe I’ll sink deeper into darkness. Before long the stories will get back to being weirder.

I love hearing about this darkness, this ‘madness’ in people. Not everyone speaks up when reading blogs, not everyone wants to or feels like they can. Do not fear! As I’d like to pick your mind!

Anyway. I’m overtired. I want to write again, I want to write more on this, but I’m tired. Am I making sense though? I can’t say.

To Any Readers Wanting To Email Me But Are Terrified To…

If you were to go on a reading binge back through my blog, you would find several instances where I talk about wanting to write in to me but feeling fearful, embarrassed, guilty, weird, insane, anxious – you name it.

It comes from a place of good intention. I might receive an email from a reader beginning with “I’ve started this email several times and even now I am fighting on hitting send” and so I become inspired to write a gentle reminder to any reader, vocal or lurker, that reads me often.

To those readers, vocal or lurking, let me say this:

When it comes to your background, I won’t judge. When it comes to your age or sex, I don’t judge. With any kink you have, any troubles you have – anything you feel like sharing, you must understand that there will be no ridicule on my behalf. If you were writing to me, I’d be honoured in the first place.

If you’re a teenager, I won’t judge – this one, I feel, can be very important as its an age where you want to ask questions but feel an adult crowd will look down on you for ‘being a teen’ or, worst case scenario, refuse to talk to you because of the age gap. I got this one a lot myself in my own journey and so, as an adult, I want to open myself to any teen that has questions, male or female. You don’t have to walk this path alone.

If you’re a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife or a couple writing in together, I don’t judge what it is you want or looking for or asking about. If I can help, I’ll gladly listen and help out.

I don’t mind if your email is messy or unfocused or rambling, I really don’t. I mean, just look at my blog – the unfocused heartfelt articles, the late night ramblings, and the anxiety-fuelled poetry – IT’S OKAY to be messy. If you really want to write but are struggling, do me a favour – just write and try not to edit yourself. Say hello; tell me what brings you here. If you have a question and that needs to establish background, by all means – do so. We’re human, we’re not perfect. It doesn’t have to be perfectly edited.

As well as that, if English isn’t your first language, it doesn’t have to perfectly structured either. I’ve had a few French people write in, which is a lovely and surreal experience, knowing my words have reached around the world.

No matter who you are or what your story is, I promise I won’t laugh or ridicule or judge or shoo you away. The way I see it, as soon as you open up email or begin to write or hit send, that’s a safe place to say how you feel, free of ridicule or laughter or judgement. At least that’s my intention and my hopes.

Lastly, let me be clear – Please please PLEASE don’t feel obligated to email me in any circumstance because of this. My goal here is not to goad you into writing, it’s only to reassure anyone doubting themselves should they be on the fence of things. Remember, we’re all in this together and I only want to do my part to help should you feel I am worthy of your time.





Late Night Rambles: Being Dominant…

It’s 11:12pm on a rather chilly Tuesday night – so let’s talk Dominance and it’s inner workings.

Dominance and being dominant goes beyond being in charge, beyond playful sexual aggression, beyond cuffs and blindfolds and power. It’s more than that – much more.

Being Dominant is about knowing the line between being a friend and being the authority. It’s about realising your submissive partner has needs to, and that they’re all too human. That they have needs and wants and feelings and, yes, they fall and make mistakes – and that should totally, absolutely be okay.

Being Dominant is realising it’s okay to fall yourself. Some Dominant Males might think an error on their behalf is a sign of a faulty leader, that they are weak. This couldn’t be further from the truth. You are who you are, and if that means you’re a sensitive male in touch with his sensitive side, all the better. A Dominant should know it’s okay to learn from a submissive sometimes. It’s okay to let them take care of you.

Being Dominant is about the balance, between maintaining and losing control, about selfishness and selflessness, being strong but rational – it’s about understanding and compromise and respect and strength and leadership.

It’s about who you are as a human being, and I mean the real you, the one you find when you dig deep long enough and find that core. And it’s about sharing this core with someone and creating the most beautiful harmony you’ve ever heard in the universe.

It’s about tender trust and gentle exploration, it’s about darkness and madness, about power and how we harness it. It’s about communication and patience.

Be their teacher, but also be their pupil. Learn from each other. Be open to new experiences, scary or otherwise. Face them head on – together.

If being Dominant has taught me anything, it’s that it’s bringing balance to someone’s else life and in turn restoring yours. Maybe it’s in the form of a routine you two decide on, maybe the Dominance within you IS the routine. Whatever it is, you’re figuring it out and fine tuning it together, creating something beautiful.

One For The Readers (And The Lurkers)

As it’s 1am and the start of Monday here in Australia, I want to say thank you to each and everyone that stops by my blog. I appreciate each and every comment, critical, constructive, friendly or otherwise.

When I started this blog, I had no idea what I could bring to people, or to anyone’s lives. To be honest, I still don’t sometimes. I feel like I repeat a lot of what I write. But I trust anyone reading, that if I became stagnant, they would slap me upside the face and tell me in all honesty that I can do better. I hope anyway.

I also want to thank any lurkers. Even just someone reading is more than enough. Time is valuable, irreplaceable, and that it’s spent on me and my words – well, I am forever thankful for that. (Also don’t be shy to say hello – your words are just as valuable as anyone else’s!)

And lastly, thank you to anyone who has written in to me, either to say hello – which are always lovely – or to talk about a post or even just to shoot the shit, if you’ll pardon my slang. I have never been bugged by a message, nor will I be, I should think.

Anyway. I just wanted to say that I’ve feel truly blessed and wanted to let any followers scrolling by their feed to know that.

Have a lovely week if I don’t hear from you!

Food For Thought Sunday! – Change, Age and Experience

Are there any activities that you have totally changed your mind about, either positively or negatively?

There have been many, I feel. Being dominant for me seems to be an ongoing lesson. I’m constantly re-evaluating how I feel and why I feel that way and what that means to feel that way.

I should say there have been many things I feel I have changed my mind about in a positive way, such as being attentive to the needs of my submissive, or how to set fair punishments if need be, or how to take care accordingly.

And on the other hand, there has been a couple of learning curves where, some things I tried out didn’t work because of a flaw within myself.

What were the circumstances that led you to change your mind?

In my first D/s relationship, back when I didn’t even know it was a D/s relationship, my ex and I tried cutting. I would watch her while she played with the blade on her thigh.

Looking back, it was handled unhealthily. We were not in the best frame of minds, being the impulsive types we were. And I would go on to self harm, which (insert deep, heavy sigh here) still deeply upsets and confuses me to this day.

Some other negative things that I have encountered have just been ways I thought were right in a D/s relationship. I was a little bit selfish of my own needs and less attentive. I think this was because I was so excited and relieved to have found my place that I didn’t stop and think too much about what that really meant for the other half to my partner in crime, you know?

But then I was made aware, and I learned how I was wrong and why and what I could do to improve in the future.


Today’s questions are all about change through life’s encounters. It’s made me think closely on how far I’ve come since being the boy teenager in his girlfriend’s guest room, her sneaking down to say good morning, to the man sitting alone at night listening to the wind howling outside and reflecting on the 13 years between.

I feel old. But I feel wise too. Blessed, to learn from my mistakes, rather than make new ones.

Be sure to check the F4T blog for prompts and other writer’s response to the same question!

You’re Not Alone

I write a lot about anxiety and my relationship with it. I feel bad about that because I feel like I’m repeating myself even if there’s a different intent for why I’m talking again about it. And I hate the idea that readers might roll their eyes and go ‘ugh, not again…’

I often offer help to those that need to ask the questions they’re scared to ask to a stranger, even though I’m worried I’ll turn people away because I might seem weird or overly confident in my approach.

I write my fantasies. My dreams. My nightmares. My darkest sadistic impulses, because they’re a part of me – and damnit, I can’t run from that. And that’s okay, and some people may need to know it’s okay too. But I’m scared every time that I hit send, I’ll risk everything.

The thing is – we’re not alone. None of us are. We may think we’re the only one who is the weirdest weirdo on the planet, we may think our fantasy is the darkest one that will horrify, we may think we can never find a friend, or a relationship. Or that a balance between social life and our kink side may forever be uneven. But the thing is – we’re wrong. About all of that.

I don’t have all the answers. I can’t possibly tell you how to run your social life. I don’t know how I can give advice about how not to feel alone when you’re beginning out in BDSM because I don’t have the answers. I was alone when I began and it’s pure fucking luck I have followers at all. Or friends in the lifestyle. Or the best relationship I’ve personally had. Because I feel like I’ve fluked it all somehow.

What I can say is this: Be yourself, no matter the doubt. Take the risk, start the conversation you want to. Don’t let any time slip away because you won’t get it back. Never lose hope in your dreams and believe in yourself.

Finding friends in the lifestyle takes time. It took me forever and even now, when I offer friendship here or Fetlife, I’m forever fighting off the feeling I’m a creep. When I’m reaching out to a new follower, I feel like a creep. When I offer help or guidance in any way, I feel like a creep, like I’m trespassing. I don’t have a filter because I’ve fought for so long to be confident that I sometimes risk it all and lose it all and that’s terrible.

But I can’t let these things shake my own faith, because I need that to be myself, because in the end, as long as we are our one true selves, the right people will come to you and they will stand by you despite any quirks. I have to believe this. We have to believe this.

So no matter your age, sex, kink or life trajectory – please don’t give up on yourself. Please don’t lose hope. Because things will work out, you just need to believe.

And let me tell you this – and I hope it doesn’t infringe on any personal space – if you need a friend, to run your thoughts to, just to talk, or a connection in the lifestyle – whatever it may be, please do not hesitate. I know I say this, like, all the freakin’ time, but I just want you to know, you’re not alone at all – there’s a weirdo in Australia who had wondered and STILL wonders the same things you do.

You Are Important. You Are Worth It.

No matter your shape or size,

No matter your stretch marks,

Or the way your breasts sit,

Or the way your cock leans,

You are important.

You are worth it.

No matter how strange you think you are,

How offbeat your inner submissive is,

No matter your needs or your desires,

You are important.

You are worth it.

No mater the extent you feel,

The extent you need,

To feel safe

In Dominance or submission,

You are important.

You are worth it.

No matter the extent of your questions,

The volume of your questions,

The potential vulgarity of your questions,

Asking them – finding the answer to them,

Is important.

Is worth it.

No matter how odd you feel,

I guarantee you

You still belong.

You’re still important.

You’re still worth it.

You’re still worth everything.

On Open Dialogues, Challenging Perceptions and Social Awkwardness

I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve liked to be challenged in terms of how I’m thinking.

I don’t mean for someone to challenge my Dominance, although that tends to occur in group and work environments in which I concede by swallowing it down quietly.

No, I mean my views. On the world, on philosophy, on relationships, on psychology.

I keep telling my lady – ‘kitten’ as readers might know her, ‘pet’ to me – that for the first time that I can remember, she challenges me. My perception of the world, she challenges me to try new things. She was, after all, the one to introduce me to the joys of choking, but also to the intimacy of licking. By which I mean a lick on the cheek – a romantic, deeply personal gesture.

I used to be a bit hesitant about intimacy like that. It wasn’t just shyness, I don’t think. I think the fallout of my marriage shook me in ways I’m still finding out all these years later.

But choking, licking, trying new foods, thinking about current affairs, politics – it’s like her presence is redefining how I perceive myself, the world and the people in it.

I’m still faulty in a way though, you know? I’ve spent so long trying to speak up, to combat my shyness that my seemingly extroverted nature puts people off. My own attempt at stepping outside of my comfort zone wrecks havoc on someone else’s comfort zone.

Other times, I’m too opinionated. I’m too outspoken – again, in trying to be open and speak, I lose a bit of tact inadvertently. There will often be a time where I’ll repeat a conversation I had with a friend to my lady and she’ll grill me for being rude and I’m completely clueless. Dry sardonic humour runs in my family. I’m either deadpan or too outspoken that I misconstrue my intent.

I blame myself. I’m socially awkward.

And now I’m on a tangent.

What I want from you, ladies and gents, is – if you have a philosophical difference, if you’re challenged by a story I wrote or I left a comment on a piece of yours and I seemed vaguely uninterested or rude or whatever the like – Challenge that perspective. Because if I’m fault, if I’m making you uncomfortable in any way I’d like to know – maybe it’s my strange response. I know my sense of humour has been known to be lost in text or I accidentally close down conversations without meaning to. But more then that, if you have a different opinion, I’m all ears for a civil discussion.

There have been a few occasions on my blog where I’ve had lovely, respectful conversations where people have expressed their difference in approach and philosophy but the civility is maintained. There has been a rape fantasy that challenged a wonderful blogger’s perspective, there have been discussions about the nature of dominance and sometimes I’ll accidentally breach personal boundaries with a little hello which I’ll come to regret deeply.

I welcome an open dialogue. I love engaging with people. I love to listen to their own beliefs and more importantly, I want to respectful in that approach, on my blog or otherwise.

There’s Some Kind Of Nude Photographer In Me



It seems I’ve been writing about nude photography a bit lately. The Conduit came to mind recently but I had expressed an interest before by jotting down Expression earlier in the year.

Personally I like Expression more and I am sorry I’ve repeated myself, I hope you’ll take away different things from the two posts. I think this repetition is due to bearing the curse of being a writer – we’re always constantly rewriting what’s in our minds.

Nude photography has been in my mind this week. I can’t really say why – If I had to guess, I think it’s the appeal of working together with the subject of the lens to complete a vision. There’s something rich about that – people working, co-conspiring on a piece together. The art being created from that.

There’s something else though – there’s beauty to it, not just in setting or man or female but in being granted that opportunity to capture – the curves, the lines, the reality of this human being.

I have plenty of ideas I’d like to express, from the fantastical to the surreal, but mayhaps it’s just a funny idea you think of in your down time every so often. Like owning a beehive or becoming a food critic.

Oh have no doubt I’ve run my musings by my lady. She smiles sweetly, shyly, the idea working in her head. I’ll keep asking when it comes to mind. She doesn’t mind the lens but she doubts herself, despite my unwavering reassurance. I understand. Some don’t care for the confrontation, some just don’t want to be nude on camera plain and simply.

For the avid readers on my blog, does it come as a surprise that I am fond of the 1986 Anne Rice Novel Belinda? For the unaware, Belinda tells the story of a 44 year old man who becomes infatuated with a 16 year old girl. They fall in love in the intimate setting of his apartment, where he likes to paint nude portraits of her. It’s strange and sensual, erotic and dark. Wholly unique.

That novel deals with the theme of obsession. But what I take away from it is the absorbing concept of capturing someone in a creative and entirely new manner. For, what else can the lens or canvas capture? What of its world? What of the beauty, naked to the eye but not to the brush or lens?



Lend Me Your Feedback – 2018 Edition

My last Lend Me Your Feedback post was back in November of 2017, if you can believe that, and since we’re going full steam ahead into August of 2018 (Where has the year gone??) and there have been new people find my blog, I thought I’d start up another thread.

I’ll always keep at my mix of self-help, late night rambles and weird erotica but I would love to hear different takes from different minds. If you – yes, YOU – have a topic you would love to hear my thoughts on, feel free to either comment in the comment section below or shoot me an email at darkanddominant[at]hotmail.com

 Is there a topic you’d like my take on? Something you want to see more of? Anything you’ve been curious to know / ask but there hasn’t been a platform to ask it?

Ask and you shall receive!