Misconceptions About A Mentor

Today, whilst talking to people in the community about why I enjoy mentoring and why I find it fulfilling, I was met with criticism.
‘Cruel, manipulative and selfish’ one decried.
Suddenly something I found such joy in was being morphed into something twisted and I was some guy making people believe what I personally believe.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

I mentor simply because I want to help. And I offer any guidance I can while suggesting or recommending resources like books or novels or practices I personally have found useful in case they themselves might find it useful.

I make a conscious effort to not come across too strong in my wording, so these people have a chance to explore what interests them, what defines them. Because concepts like individuality and freedom of expression and exploration are all things I would want for someone else.

The notion that someone would twist words just to influence a mind – for whatever reason- is monstrous to me. It’s repulsive and destructive and something I cannot believe that is being brought up in the first place.

I can’t blame anyone for suspicions. BDSM and it’s interactions are so psychological and personal that it’s terrifying to approach. It doesn’t help that there ARE those type of men out there, weaving their webs of deceit.

Yet I can’t help to hurt slightly. I’m a sensitive soul. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My desire to mentor stems from my own problems as a young adult.

I don’t think everyone struggles, yet I offer a option for those that ARE like me, for whatever reason.

So, if there has been any quiet criticism or misconceptions about, I hope this clears the air.


Some Kind of Journal Entry

I wonder if people ever hold off on writing in to me because they’re concerned I’d be frustrated with what they perceive to be their very basic questions. Maybe they feel concerned they’re too ‘noobish’ and that they’re wasting my time? Maybe they think I’d scoff and laugh at their naïve nature? Maybe they just feel downright idiotic or that they’re intruding.


But then I think about this and then counteract it with a more negative thought: Maybe I am reading too much into it? I mean, this IS the internet and I AM just another BDSM blog in a sea of BDSM blogs. Hell, what if I am not qualified to give any advice?


In regards to my first paragraph, I don’t think ill of anyone at all. I’ve never had one email where I’ve rolled my eyes, scoffed and laughed at the beginnings of someone else’s journey – because it’s SOMEONE ELSE’S JOURNEY. We all started somewhere and if you’re anything like me, you might have even wandered in the dark feeling so alone that it brings you to tears.


Honestly, I am just humbled to be given an opportunity to help, or just to listen, because sometimes, that’s all anyone wants out of a person. Ever since this blog began, I have had the pleasure of chatting with anyone from 17-60 and it has been honour that I am even considered in the first place.


I don’t know what I’m really trying to say. I just started writing and here we are. Life is cyclical, all things serve the beam, that sort of thing. Sometimes I just sit down and think about how someone might be afraid to reach out and it’s a matter of feeling silly or too new. And if that’s the case, don’t fret. Because we all started at the very beginning.




What Is The D/s Dynamic?

It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.


With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.



The D/s Dynamic

The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.

Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. Each partner has something within them, a longing if you will, that is something beautiful and psychological.



The Dominant cannot expect the submissive to bend to his / her will. If they think that is Dominance, they are false. A good Dominant is a compassionate teacher, one willing to be patient and to guide and instruct and, above all, to love.

The Dominant is the protector of the submissive. Personally, I want to say Guardian – or Gatekeeper, as each role in the dynamic takes on a lovely, almost mythic quality.

What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.



 I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.

A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.

Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.

Established Boundaries

 When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.

Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.

A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.


And Now, A Personal Example…

 At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.

I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.

 Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.

Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.

So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.








What Is A BDSM Mentor?


‘What is a BDSM Mentor?’ Is a question people who write in to me sometimes ask.
‘Are they together? Is it a romantic or sexual thing?’ is another question I get – and today, I’d like to cover precisely what a BDSM Mentor is and does, just to quell any confusion.

What is a BDSM Mentor?

First and foremost, a mentor is someone that has had plentiful experience in the lifestyle and whose desire is to guide their student in various ways such as answering questions, helping with any struggles and introducing them to tools that can help their development.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant Mentor?

This is entirely subjective. I personally think anyone can guide and instruct, provided they have the will and mind and desire for it.

That being said, there are, of course, insights each person in the dynamic could provide you. Things that might tap into how one might feel.

And with that mind, the same could be said for a submissive talking with a Dominant mentor or a Dominant talking with a submissive Mentor.

It comes down to personal taste and preference. Not to mention who you feel more comfortable taking to, man or woman.

Is a BDSM Mentor a romantic and / or sexual thing?

No, it is entirely platonic. Of course the topic will be based in the sexual nature of things, but the Mentor’s role is to instruct, not to claim and desire. It should never cross that line.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

It usually begins by conversing via email and if thoughts require an immediacy, I give the option of my own personal kik, which will reach me in the moment.

However the pupil in question wants to interact, the key thing that I want to do is listen.

Helping others iron out any mental wrinkles has been my number one goal since I started this blog back in 2015 so my first order of business is to listen, then counsel and instruct.

I’m happy to explain dynamics, the meaning of BDSM terms and to offer a bibliography of certain books I have found useful in my own journey.

Some people write in terribly anxious and nervous and don’t know what to say. And to those people, I do my best to create a safe and calm environment where they might be able to alleviate any anxiety.

On occasion, I have given exercises that might useful to a situation, such as helping one person get to a gym of a day or help to counter-act negative body image.

Mentors and Friendship

It’s important to develop a friendship and deep trust with your mentor. I cannot stress that enough.

There’s no point asking after a mentor just because – because first and foremost, you need a solid foundation with this person. And to that end, think about what you want in a friend – are they easy to get along with, do you guys make each other laugh? Do you have common interests?

When you know, you’ll know.

But can’t I just learn from the BDSM Community in general? Y’know, like Fetlife?

I suppose you can. I certainly did. I had no mentor, which is probably why I like to offer it so much – because I don’t want anyone to feel alone.

Personally, sometimes the overload of information can be stressful. Which can lead to a trigger effect in which you start to crumble every time you come back to the pool to soak your skin.

I felt that many times in my life and it drove me away many times. If you prefer seeking information from the community rather then one person, persevere. You’ll be all the stronger for it.

That being said, a one-on-one interaction is a special thing. An intimate thing. Though it has the ability to overstimulate with information, perhaps the mentor can back off and drip feed accordingly.

Again, it’s subjective. Find what works for you.

I really hope this helps clear a few things up for anyone interested in mentoring or in finding a mentor.

Remember to be safe and sure and good luck in your travels.
For any questions regarding mentoring or finding a mentor, I’m always a message away.

Let’s Ask Questions: 2018 Edition!


As it’s the start of 2018 and there are new people coming to my blog, I thought I would put out another one of these Q/A blog post / threads and give the opportunity for anyone to ask any questions, should they so desire.

Of course, if you are comfortable sending an email, you’re welcome to write to my email, even if it’s just an anxious info dump. Lord knows I do it on this here blog.

Anyway. I found an interesting question out there that I wanted to tackle:

Are Dominants possessive towards women?

Protective, yes. Possessive? I don’t think so.

It’s difficult to talk without a scenario to relate to so I’ll use my own relationship.
My lady has her own independence. She’ll go out with friends, she’ll go for drinks or stop over, whatever the case may be.
I’m not jealous of that. I have no interest in saying she cannot lead her own life, because even in a D/s relationship I think there needs to be this space for independent growth. I think that is healthy.

Keep in mind, she asks for my permission each time and am sure, if I said no I don’t like that idea, she would come home and sit by me. But as I stated above, it’s a healthy thing for her to have that time without me. We can get back to our bubble, our roles and our sex when we come together again.

Now a M/s dynamic would be a little different. I can’t say, because each person has a different opinion.
Perhaps a little possessiveness is endearing, I know my lady feels that way about me.

But if it’s unhealthy, if one person is feeling trapped and suffocating, if a Dominant becomes unreasonable and unapproachable in their possessiveness, I think perhaps it would be a good time to take a step back and reflect and digest on the situation.

That being said, don’t be shy now! The only silly question is the one not asked.

Giving Thanks

Before Christmas hits and everyone’s life plunged into a social frenzy, I wanted to take this time to give thanks to you all.

To each and every one of you, thank you for your warm comments on my blog, thank you for finding the courage to write to me, entrusting me with the details of your life.

Thank you for your constructive criticism, your raw honesty and your seemingly never-ending desire to keep reading what I put out.

Thank you for reassuring me, in times of my anxious and rambling posts. Words could never find the right way to express my gratitude.

Lastly, thank you to the people who have not commented, who have not written in for whatever reason, be it fear or shame or courage. I know you are reading intently, and that alone means the world to me. May you find the peace you seek.

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! However you celebrate, I hope the light of the festive season finds its way into your home and brings you joy.

Be safe. Be well. Be happy.