Dear Teenagers Nervous About BDSM…

When you’re a teenager and you’re navigating your sexuality, it can feel like the scariest thing in the world.

Who can you talk to? How do you learn? Can you talk to adults on the web or will they think you’re silly and turn you away like the others have? Worst case scenario: Will they abuse your trust and attempt to flirt with you?

It wasn’t easy in the age of no internet and it certainly isn’t easy now even with all this information at your fingertips ready to be absorbed.

As a perverted teenager into BDSM, I found my way by falling a lot. And often stood in circles listening to others laugh or frown at the very idea of BDSM and other such kink related things.

If things are overwhelming you, if you feel like you’re trapped and cannot talk to anyone without feeling ashamed or – worse – invalid – then I’ve got a few concepts for you to consider:

You’re Not Alone

Your sexual thoughts, your desires, and your questions do not – I repeat – DO NOT make you – silly, stupid, invalid, wrong, a freak, disgusting – any of those things.

I guarantee you that whatever you’re feeling or thinking or even fantasising about, someone has experienced that before. That’s not to say you aren’t unique – because each of us ARE – rather it means the kink you think is rare or weird isn’t as rare or weird as you think.

I used to feel the same way. I mean, I was a teen with a brother-sister incest fantasy. And you know what? That led me to other people who felt as weird as I did.

The weird thing about the universe is that it leads you to certain people. They’ll be drawn to you and vice versa. Something to consider when the going gets tough.

 

Journal Your Thoughts, Fears and Dreams

What do you fantasise about? What do you want to explore? What keeps you up at night? Write it down.

When it comes to you, your mind and the page, you’d be surprised where your mind goes and what you write down.

I used to keep a journal of all my feelings – and that damned thing survived three relationships and a fuck tonne of moping.

More than this, you might find yourself discovering new things about the way your mind works.

You learn to analyse in a way, and in doing so you find yourself coming back to a moment that can help define whatever it is you are seeking or whatever you are exploring.

So long as you are truthful with yourself, you can go as deep into your psyche as you want to learn about your ticks.

 

The Only Silly Question Is The One Not Asked

I used to hate asking questions. Why? Because I felt like a total idiot. I felt like a bother. And I always felt like the person I was asking didn’t feel like they should have to explain it – and that’s partly on me and my anxieties and partly on the personality of the individual.

IF you come across a person who seems annoyed or aggressive because of you asking questions, chances are they’re not the person you should be asking. So don’t take that as a reflection of you, some people just don’t want that job of answering questions. That’s on them. NOT on you.

My advice to teenagers is this: Find your voice, gather your words, and practice speaking openly. No question is too wild or dumb, because that is how you learn. So one day you might help someone else in need.

I suffered low self esteem. I hated my voice. I mumbled and was quiet. I screwed up words constantly. I had to discipline myself to be okay with asking questions – to speak up. And if a lowly person such as myself can do it, you can do it too!

 

Challenge Your Mind Constantly

Push your boundaries. Be open to new experiences, new sights, new sounds.

Do you struggle with body issues? Try being nude more, just doing small everyday things like cleaning your room, listening to music. Become use to your body. Love who you are. Is there a kink you don’t like? Why? Define your answers, explore your reasoning. Is there an act that makes you uncomfortable? What is it? Why does it affect you so?

Lastly: Do not be afraid of your inner darkness. Some people, when they are confronted with their true selves, run away screaming.

But you can only run so far before you form a circle and end up face to face with your primal side, if such a thing lays dormant within you.

If it does, remember this: You’ve survived it before, you can do it again.

 

Talk To Someone If You Need To

Absolutely this. If there’s a recurring worry, if there’s a nightmare that’s woken you up, if you have a general question, consider talking to your closest friend. Consider writing to a blog writer or forum. There are many avenues you can choose to find help, it is never too late and there is never a limit to how many questions you can ask. If things are overwhelming, never ever hesitate – I cannot stress this enough.

On top of that, you can always feel free to email me if you have something to say, need advice, have a question, just need to write after a bad dream – anything.

My contact is in the ABOUT ME section of the blog.

It may feel like things are overwhelming, like there is too much information out there.

If you’re a teenager and you feel cornered and alone and just need advice, you’re not alone. I’m here to talk to, night or day. If you write in, no matter how jumbled you may feel your words will be, I’ll write back. I promise.

And if you ever feel you can’t possibly learn all these new things, remember – baby steps. One day at a time. In time, you’ll learn all you want to know.

If I can do it, you can.

 

 

 

 

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Reassurance 

Every so often, I get it in my mind that I, as a writer or a person, have nothing left to give and decide to stop writing this blog and stop sharing stories and dreams and what I think is advice. 

Usually it’s my lady that I voice these concerns to and she always, bless her soul, stands by me but with a gentle encouragement. 
But in saying that, I also need to thank some of you as well for your support. 
Just now, I received a touching email wherein the lady said my work was raw and beautiful and helpful. And this extra encouragement is always lovely to read.

So to you I say, never underestimate your words. Either with me, because it might boost my spirit enough to keep writing, or with others, who might need that help as well. Don’t hesitate because the moment you do might be the moment someone needs you. Or needs to hear the truth.

Thank you to my muse, my partner in crime and my best friend, for never losing faith in me or my writing. I love you.

And thank you to you ladies and gentlemen, for the support I don’t know I deserve. For the kind words and constructive criticism. And for the challenges to my view points which I welcome. 

Do Not Be Ashamed To Email Me

If someone decides to write me at my email, a recurring thing that I am finding is that they often express uncertainty and shame. Uncertainty in the way they word themselves, shame in that they have it in their mind that what they are feeling is incorrect, or that I’ll find them silly or a nuisance. 
I get that, I really do. I struggle a lot with my anxiety – I just try to keep it isolated with the blog because I want to keep a tighter focus on the details. 
Which is why, every so often, I write these little blog points, as a friendly reminder. 

To tell whoever reads this that, should they want to, they can write in, even if it’s a random thought or a critique about one of my pieces. Or even just to say hello from the other side of the world. 
A question I often get is ‘Why / How are you so nice?’. Part of it is that my mother always taught me to treat others how you want to be treated. The other part Is because I spent many nights angry and confused and guilt ridden about my sexuality and I want to create some sort of space, a shelter here on the webs for someone, so that maybe, just maybe, they may find some solace. I just want to give back to the world.
It could also be the Daddy in me, this fatherly, paternal aspect that wants to shield people or help people. But who can say?
The point is, if you’re feeling like you want to write, but don’t want to burden – it’s not a problem. I am happy to read and respond. 

If you are having trouble finding words, just write raw and hit send, I don’t ever judge. 

And if you are ever down or feeling alone or depressed, never hesitate. Write to your friend, write to your journal. Even if you’re not a writer, write. You might be caught off guard at what comes out. 

The Nude Selfie

I’m writing this at 1.57am so apologies if I’m rambling or not making sense. But a topic came to my head and I wanted to talk about the nature of it. And since this is the internet, let’s do this. 

With everyone online, and humans being naturally sexual people (or sexually repressed people), it had to happen sooner or later. The nude selfie. The display of one’s own body. 

Sometimes it’s a cause. Other times it’s empowerment. Sometimes, it’s for shits and giggles. Whatever. But I wanted to talk a little about the art of it all.

Just now, I typed into Instagram the ‘nude selfie’ tag and I got quite a bit of hits, as you’d imagine. It’s late, I’m pondering. Sometimes shapes intrigue. Sometimes I like looking into people’s homes. 

It’s not the act of nudity that intrigues me, I just discovered. It doesn’t mean that much to me because I don’t know the person. Im sure they’re appealing, but it doesn’t hit me like my kitten being naked would. Im of the mindset of having that direct line to the heart behind the shell and that makes it sexy.

So when I see a nude selfie and it’s a man (though it’s usually a lady) with her girls and lady garden out, my mind kind of stutters. 

And I’m probably a snob, you know? Because what I’m getting at here is that what is more stimulating to me as a person, or as a sexual deviant, is when there’s some sort of composition to the image. Maybe they’ve got their hand over their breasts, their lower half hidden, maybe there’s a silhouette behind a shower curtain, maybe it’s comical in some way. 

I’m a fan of mystery. I’m a fan of putting thought behind it, because anyone can take a nude photo and go – here I am, Uncle Sam – and things are fair dinkum. But to work around it? To get creative? I dunno. That’s a person after my own heart. 

But then, I’m guilty of taking the non mysterious pic too. I’ve sent a few cheeky pics to my lady and on Fetlife I just got in and out with a snap. 

I dunno. Maybe it’s the creative beast in me, framing images and thinking of low lighting and ways to position yourself. Sometimes I think I’d like to photograph someone in the nude. But in a tasteful-Playboy-like way, not in a hopping-in-the-shower-here-I-Am way. Although! Naturalistic is beautiful too. And I definitely am an admirer of a beautiful lady slinking off into the shower. But I’m getting sidetracked. Where was I? Oh photography.

I’d like to do that. I’d like to do a set with a theme, kinda like Suicide Girls but probably a bit avante-garde and black and white and artsy somehow. See? Snob!

There’s beauty in the human body. And I think there should be thought, on occasion, to be creative about how you capture this. Obviously this is my ideas, and when sending cheeky snaps to one another, things can be simple and sweet, but for the nude selfie folk out there, the artists, the instagrammers, whoever and whatever, experimentation could be fun.  

Let’s Ask Questions!


It is the week of contemplation! And seeing as though new people are stopping by my blog, I thought this might be a fun thing to attempt. 

So! Here’s my proposal. You can ask me twenty questions, in any kind of category, non sexual like movies or reading or writing – or sexual like tastes, history, fantasies – and I can ask you the same. To get to know you.

And to start off, here’s a few topics you can ask about  to get the mind thinking: Writing, movies, BDSM, any story I’ve published here, funny stories to tell, etc.

And you can give me a few topics relevant or important to you and I can think of questions to ask within these topics.

Is that hard? Cos asking questions is tricky. Where do you start? What do you want to touch on? IF you are interested, take your time. No rush. Ask me in the comments section and I can respond. Or if you’d rather email it out, darkanddominant@hotmail is the place to field off questions! 

I look forward to maybe engaging with you! 

On Dom Drop

Dom Drop
For a while I have wanted to talk about Dom Drop but I never knew how to word myself, or it itself, and so I filed the idea away in the back of my mind, in a little safe room. 
I feel like talking about it now.
Dom Drop is this sensation of feeling flat, after either a scene you’ve played out, or an act that you lost yourself in or any other situation you’ve gone deeply into. 
‘Feeling Flat’ is kind of an umbrella term though, isn’t it?

Underneath the umbrella, Dom Drop is this sensation of restlessness, depression, guilt, fear and a complete disinterest in all things Dominance and BDSM.
It can last for a few hours after a scene. It can last for a day. A week. Two weeks. It depends on the individual. 
For me, it can vary between the time frames I’ve listed above. And it can come about as quickly as flicking on a light switch. 
It’s tricky to define Dom Drop, because it weaves in and out of other aspects of your mind seamlessly. 
For example, I’m not always so sure of myself. If my lady wants to be rough, I hesitate. Is that my lack of confidence or is the guilt associated with Dom Drop worming it’s way into my brain? it’s hard to say. We’re complex creatures. 
Other times, I don’t want to be Sir. I just want to be this average joe. Let’s just cuddle in bed, or watch Netflix together and laugh at bad horror movies. I just don’t want that control right now. 
But keep in mind, I suffer anxiety and depression. Disassociation is part of the package. It comes back to the worming of different threads in your mind. Which is which? Maybe it’s a mix?
Whatever it is, its kind of like a crash. Like a caffeine crash or sugar crash. Kinda like how you deflate at the end of a long work day. And you’re in this funk you can’t get out of. 
It’s easy to lose yourself in the moments of Dom Drop. It’s easy to think things like ‘Well maybe I’m not fit for this life’ or ‘What’s wrong with me?’. The mind is trickier than we realise. And we can forget how powerful it can be in convincing you what is real.
My advice to those feeling restless and perplexed is to wait. Give it time, all the while thinking that things can and will turn around. Because the more distance you get from the initial moment, the more the fog will clear and you’ll get your appetite back.
And when you get your appetite back, you’ll see there is nothing wrong with your mind, that you’re not a fool, or going crazy. That everything is going to be okay. 

Some Questions For You Dear Readers…

Good morning, Evening and Afternoon, you lovely people!

I come to you from the darkened corners of my bedroom, ‘neath the dazzling pink sky of sunset, with some questions.

The first of which is – what, if anything, would you be interested to see me write about, either fictional or non fictional?

The second is a bit longer. 

You see, I’ve got this patreon on the side. And should anyone offer $5 a month or more for my writing, I wanted to give them something worthwhile. Something unique to my writing. Something only I can give.

So for those that enjoy my writing muchly, what is something that you’d like for, say, $5 a month? You being the reader and I being the writer, what door do you want opened? What dangerous psychological scenario do you want to get lost in? Early drafts? A personal Q/A? An audio recording of a story? 

I want to be able to offer something special for anyone that wanted to spend their money on me, but being a writer that is often anxious of his own work, I can’t look past and think straight. 

Is there something about the process you’d like to hear? Something about the making / inspiration? Why the poor tortured girl wore camo panties? Why I decided to write about vampires in a BDSM story? 

I guess what I’m asking is if this was you contemplating pledging (and this isn’t me being shifty and asking, I’m genuinely curious) – what would you like from the mind of a writer?

Your friend in the shadows, 

TD&D