Regarding Personal Emails

I wanted to touch base quickly, before launching into another post, about emailing me. I answer every and any email, I always will. Sometimes it launches a lovely little chain in which two strangers swap stories and share a laugh, sometimes resources and advice is exchanged, sometimes I cannot help and apologise profusely.

 

On rare occasions, I forget to reply. This could be a number of reasons – I subscribe to a bunch of talented individuals and miss the personal name in amongst the others, other times I genuinely think I’ve replied when it’s just a daydream – which is as baffling as Déjà vu – and sometimes I go through anxious periods where I can’t talk or write. It sounds selfish, but I just can’t find it in me to write. This is a common thing with me, I find. The shows I love have no meaning, my favourite past times become unthinkable. That’s anxiety.

 

However.

 

If I’ve missed your email, or have not responded, do not – I repeat – DO NOT – EVER think that it’s a conscious decision on my behalf. If I haven’t replied in under a week, stick it to me. Don’t let me get away with it.

 

I know, I know – chasing someone up is uncomfortable, you start to wonder – do they care enough? Maybe I’m being a pest? Maybe they’re too busy? Worst case scenario – they’re an awful human being. You don’t have to chase me up, because it’s my responsibility as I’ve offered to communicate in the first place, but I wanted to reassure anyone that no, I am rarely too busy to reply, I wouldn’t offer if I was worried about pests and I definitely care about helping anyone where I possibly can.

 

I wanted to write this because I replied to an old email from a reader just now and I had wondered, as I often do, if there was an individual out there that had wondered whether or not it was okay to approach me personally still or if it was okay to ‘spam’ email me.

 

It’s perfectly fine to do both, should you feel the need. I welcome an open dialogue, be it questions about the lifestyle, about personal issues, about how I write – anything.

To those I’ve replied to in a late manner, I apologise from the bottom of my heart. I certainly hope it hasn’t discouraged you from speaking up in future, either again to me or otherwise.

– TD&D

Don’t Be Afraid

Here’s the thing.

If we know each other – if we’re friends or you’re a reader of this blog, whatever the case may be – if you want to write in to me, for whatever reason, please do not let your mind hold you back from doing so. I beseech you.

It’s difficult to put feelings into words, I understand that. And though you might mind the rambling email your brain comes out with, I certainly don’t. Free form writing is therapeutic – and I certainly don’t judge any form or situation you wish to share or discuss or vent about.

There has been times where I’ve checked in on a reader who graciously wrote in, and they said they wanted to write sooner but they didn’t want to disturb or didn’t know how to —

And if I can’t, then try your closest friend, or any support system around you. All you need is all around you.

Why am I writing this? Here? Now? AGAIN?! Because whether you’re a teenager struggling to come to terms with your school life while identifying your kinks / sexual identity – or an adult juggling your work life, relationship / singlehood and sexuality, I want you to know that if the walls seem to close on in, you’re not alone. No matter how it feels like an ending, the next chapter is beginning.

As far as writing in to me goes, if you’re worried about intruding on my time, know I reply when I have time to and that it doesn’t impact any other factor in my life. Worried you’re bothering me? Nope! And I’d say so, albeit politely, even if you were. I aim to be honest in life, as that was how I was taught.

I guess part of why I come back to offering help is because, as someone who is introverted and shy, as someone who has been what the cool kids call ‘ghosted’ in the past, I know that frustration of being alone or silenced by your own head.

I’ll address some of this in a later post – but for now I wanted to write this to start a rallying cry – to get people to seize that strength within them to move on, to feel confident within themselves, to tackle their life while exploring their minds, to even write in to me and break away that fear.

You have the power to persevere.

To Those Suffering: You Are Not Alone. You Are Not A Freak.

Browsing my Tumblr, I came across a link in my feed that featured the intriguing concept of a suicide hotline but in text, for those with anxiety when it comes to using the phone and talking.

And I was inspired to write.

When I was a teenager, I was dealing with anxiety before I even fully understood what it meant to have an anxiety disorder.

I would obsess on details, go around in circles on every minute detail, convinced I had missed the point, when in actual fact I was driving myself to madness.

My sexuality is something I’d obsessed about. I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand – I enjoyed being naked, which, coming from a household where being shirtless as a man was something my family would scoff at, meant I’d harboured ill thoughts about myself.

I had a significantly high sex drive, often indulging in the sensualities of pleasure. And on top of all that, I had started to be drawn towards the darker things, the animalistic things, and I had no idea why.

Every time I got the courage to try and talk to someone about it, either a girlfriend or via some age old chatroom, my nerves fell apart.

And who could I talk to? I had friends but then we were of an age where kink was the underlying butt of a joke – Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.

I self-harmed. I don’t know why. To make sense of it all, to feel something. I still have the scars. I still can hear the sound of my skin popping beneath the blade I used – and I’m ashamed. I cringe now. That was me? That lost, foolish guy?

This wasn’t the right way, it wasn’t who I am, but I didn’t know what way was right.

People of all ages read my blog. I’m grateful for that, I welcome that. I never thought I’d amount to much on a blog, let alone have people write in. Yet they do.

I know teenagers read my blog. I occasionally get an email from some.

I don’t judge their experiences. Or their age. We were like them once and I’ll do all I can if it means I help just one person.

But to adults and teenagers alike, let me say this: You are not alone, you are not a freak. The anxious thoughts you grapple with will pass in time, this I can promise you.

I know it will feel like nothing can ever get better, I know it’ll feel like today your life will never be the same again – but it will.

It might not be today. It might be here tomorrow. But it will fade and you will feel yourself again.

We are not mad for being sensual beings, we are not freaks. We are a select few who choose to explore the other parts of our minds that some are too scared to unlock and explore, our of fear they’ll find something they cannot accept.

If you’re worried about anyone judging you – think on this: Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. If you lose anyone if or when you reveal this other side to you, it’s on them and definitely not on you. Do you understand?

Lastly, I know I’m some guy on the Internet, on a BDSM blog about Valkyries and kink and warped Disney stories – but if ever that anxiety becomes soul crushing, if you’re friends and family seem to bear a weight down upon you, if you find yourself feeling like the world is going to end tonight, please – write to someone. Yourself, closest friend or family member, me.

As a stranger, I’m happy to help you carry the load. You’re not alone. You’re not a freak.

Valentine

It doesn’t matter if you have a partner or not, be your own Valentine. Love yourself. Instead of making your partner blush by leaving no inch of skin untouched, do something wild – do the thing you’re scared of. Walk out the backyard naked to get the clothes off the line, sign up to Fetlife, confess your feelings to your crush – remind yourself it’s okay to be single because in order to be healthy in a relationship, we first must understand to be healthy by ourself. To Davy Jones’ Locker with society’s standards! That’s boring! Embrace the present! Who’s with me?! *tears shirt*

Tell me what you did for Valentine’s! And be safe and happy and wholesome!

Don’t Talk Yourself Out of It: Depression, Anxiety & BDSM

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I have been sitting here trying to think of a way to open this little article but I’ve got nothing. Talking about mental illness, let alone addressing what it’s like to live with something like depression and anxiety is hard to convey just how destabilising it is.

 

A question I sometimes get from people who suffer from depression or anxiety is – Can I live a normal life in this BDSM Lifestyle? It’s one that always manages to hit close to home because in a heartbeat, I’m right back to my own panic, wondering the same thing, wondering if I’m broken or if I should just let my lady go because someone else can take care of her better than I could.

 

The answer to the question is: Of course you can have a normal life. It will be tough, it may be laced with paranoia but through a little bit of willpower, sunshine and determination, you can find you will have more of those better days than the ones spent crawling through the swamps.

 

A key aspect of this is communication. Not everyone understands anxiety and will find it alarming. For me – and I realise this doesn’t work for all – but there was a time where it really alarmed my girlfriend. I would explain what I needed from her in my downer times, I explained that anxiety is so powerful it is capable of convincing you of a bullshit thought.

 

In time, she came to understand, even relate. In time, we had a system worked out that made our relationship stronger.

 

A second key aspect of this is trust. This one is important because it’s like solving a complex mathematical equation. You’re going to be worried about the initial opening up – and that’s healthy to an extent. Take your time. You will know when you feel like taking that second step in trusting someone because the clear-skies part of your mind will want to act but the other part will want to freeze and find another twenty reasons why it’s a bad idea.

 

Yes, it will leave you exposed. That’s the tricky thing about trust, you have to put yourself out there and hope it pays off. If it doesn’t, you have to have something solid to remind you it’s okay, like a positive thought or a song lyric or a mantra even. Something tied to a happy memory.

 

Trust also plays its part in the beginning of your journey into BDSM, because your mind is going to want to shout any kind of obscenities your way and then tell you why it’s going to harm your mind further.

 

BDSM is largely a psychological interaction, that much is true. But you don’t need to take that step to involve a second party until you feel you are ready. How will you know when? Your heart will tell you. Trust me, there’ll be a time.

 

If you are worried that any kind of risky play will influence your depression, BDSM has plenty of safety counter measures that will stand firmly in place should you feel things are getting out of hand. If it helps to ease your mind, read about the BDSM Contract, safe words and remember that any kind of interaction can be stopped if you feel overwhelmed.

 

As a Dominant man, being assertive when struggling with anxiety and depression is tough. I feel stupid sometimes saying or doing anything to my kitten. Repetition helps, I find. The more I spoke up, the more I got used to the idea of speaking out loud.

 

Practising alone can help matters. Speaking out loud, writing what you’d say down on paper, these are all different ways that can help you grow more confident with getting used to being assertive.

 

Regardless of role in the dynamic, if your shyness factors into your anxiety, communicate is the best thing to do. You may feel embarrassed and silly but I think you’ll find if the other person truly cares, they won’t mind at all.

 

There have been plenty of times where I raised the issue of my shyness and my kitten did the same and it made things more intimate and lovely and downright beautiful.

 

Whether you are a teenager or an adult, remember that the fog will clear and you’ll pass through an anxious period. You’ve done it before, it sucks I know, but you can do it again. Be there for yourself, take your time and remember, everything will be alright.

 

As always, if you need to vent any anxieties or just ramble the hour away to ease your mind, you can reach me at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

 

 

 

Unsure About How To Write In To Me? Please Read This…

 

Every so often – probably to the point that maybe it’s redundant? I cannot tell – I like to put up little messages encouraging anyone whose contemplating about writing in to do so.

 

Whether it’s just to say hello (I love meeting anyone), whether you wanted to write to me about a piece in private (I encourage any criticism) or whether you had a question regarding BDSM or kinks (I am driven by a desire to help), I encourage you to do so.

 

If you are reading this and you’ve wanted to write to me but you fall under these mindsets –

 

  • He must be busy. I won’t bother him.
  • I know I’ll sound like a noob.
  • Everything I write sounds stupid.
  • I’m too young / old.
  • My shyness is a huge barrier.

 

I want you to know that I check my email daily and if I am busy, know I’ll reply ASAP.

I don’t mind any inexperience. I was young and inexperienced once upon a time as well. I don’t hold that against anyone. It’d take a cruel human to do so.

 

I probably should care about age restrictions – I am a stranger and some exploit that – but it’s a tricky thing – I was a naïve teenager scouring the net for help. I was a struggling adult looking for a place to belong. I wish I had help with these things. So know that even if you don’t need help, you’re not alone. I’m here; this blog and its community are here too.

 

Honestly, ‘just write’ is the best advice I can give to anyone that’s hesitant to speak up or email. I used to hate it. I sometimes still do. Why do you think I started this besides wanting to help? To combat my own anxieties and hesitancies.

 

Sit down, write to yourself or to me, just let any frustration out. It doesn’t matter how long, it doesn’t matter how coarse or unrefined it is – it’s out now. And maybe that’s a start.

 

So please – you don’t have to do it alone. If you feel lost, if you feel backed in the corner, if you feel like a freak, just know that my email is always open to you. I have never closed it and still check.

 

And if you don’t need help, if you still feel like a fool, if you think your interests make you a freak, know there is nothing wrong with you. This is the beginning of a beautiful journey and no matter what, you’ll be fine. If someone like me can find a spot in the sun, then so can you.

 

Everything in between is a baby step.

 

For those interested in contacting me, my email is darkanddominant@hotmail.com

-TD&D

Do Not Let Anxiety Re-wire Your Mind

 

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Whether this is taken as a piece of armour to wear into the week or whether it’s taken as a word of good will in the moment, I wanted to tell you that it’s going to be okay.

I know, I know. I talk a lot about anxiety and not enough about kink – but something struck me during a recent panic attack.

If anxiety is so powerful it can alter memories and convince you of the bad, what kind of effect would that have on your future goals?

I’m guilty of avoiding places / people involved with my anxiety sometimes, because there’s a trigger effect that takes time to fade.

And after I had my attack, I wondered: What would this do to someone interested in the lifestyle, interested in rebooting their life, but when anxiety hits, they throw it all away out of fear, and in the interest of keeping things comfortable.

If I just described you, let me give you some advice: Let the fog clear. Take a mental health day, whatever comforts your mind, and let that fog clear. Because when it does, the answers to the questions you’ve been asking will most likely not be fueled by anxiety and will, in fact, be truthful.

When you’re sitting at the threshold of this new world, hand on the door that will lead you to information about yourself you’d never thought of in your wildest dreams, it’s easy to leave that door closed. Hell, I did it for most of my twenties out of pure fear.

What if I told you, leaning on a dark cane, dressed in a black suit and crimson tie, like some sort of BDSM Willy Wonka, that everything you’ve ever wondered about yourself is beyond this door.

That, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, there is a key behind there to your very existence.

I would warn you that there might be a labyrinth Beyond this door. Maybe there’s a limitless number of doors waiting to be opened for you as you progress, with little resting bays waiting in the wings for you to take break when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Enough with the psychedelic metaphors – my message is this: Don’t let anxiety drive. If it does, don’t despair about turning that car around and making up for lost time.

It may often feel that you’re taking one step forward and two steps back but — progress is progress. Even if it’s slow and doesn’t feel like it, you are still moving forward to the next door.

So: Things to take away from this read, if you’re here:

1. Don’t be dissuaded by anxiety. If Silent Hill protagonists can move through the fog, so can you.
2. Remember to take a break from absorbing information if things become overwhelming. It was for each of us, and when you’ve passed by the sensation, you can say the same to the next group of new people.
3. Try not to run from the future. Anxiety will tell you you’re a fool, but you’re not. Let the fog clear and take baby steps.
4. If you feel like you can never break free of anxiety’s funk, you’re wrong. With a little sunshine, and a tonne of patience, you will find you can lead a normal life.

THAT BEING SAID,

If you have any questions regarding this post, the lifestyle, calming techniques for anxiety or just need a mentor for a moment, please feel free to message me at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

And remember, If I can do this, so can you.