What Is The D/s Dynamic?

It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.

With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.

The D/s Dynamic

The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.

Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. There is a deep psychological component there between a Dominant and a submissive and this may led to the establishment of daily tasks, protocol, speech patterns and more that fulfils both parties.

Protocol?

Protocol is established early on in the relationship, when the Dominant and submissive figure out together what each of them want from this partnership. Aspects like what does the Dominant want? and more importantly what does the submissive want? Are established and from there, discipline and any tasks important to the individual come about to be carried out at established times. Protocol can be used to establish daily and nightly routine, forming the basis of structure in the relationship.

And What’s This About Speech Patterns?

The speech pattern of both the Dominant and the submissive are tailored specifically to their tastes. It can be cute and whimsical or more disciplined but whatever the case, it is a design implemented primarily for control and ownership. Have fun with names! Be creative.

Daily Tasks

What will fulfil you as a Dominant? What will fulfil you as a submissive? Things you need in your relationship will come to mind when you establish the limits and boundaries within your relationship. Remember to discuss everything thoroughly – and SUBMISSIVE PEOPLE, SPEAK UP. This is about your needs as much as it is your partners, you dig? Push the envelope, explore what calls your heart, and be experimental.

Dominance

What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.

Remember, as exciting as tasks and BDSM can be, you are the guardian of your submissive. Nurture them, be patient with them, and do not be afraid to learn from their own needs. Always be attentive to the needs, as well as your own.

Submission

 I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.

A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.

Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.

Established Boundaries

 When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.

Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.

A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.

And Now, A Personal Example…

 At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.

I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.

 Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.

Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.

So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.

 

Food For Thought..er…Sunday?

I’ve just stumbled across a nifty little idea – Food for Thought Friday – and I thought I’d try my hand at it, since some of you enjoyed my 50 facts… post.

But what’s a guy to do when it’s Sunday in Australia, not Friday? Answer questions from the past three F4TF blog! Which, by the way, you can find here.

So let’s get into it!

If you take risqué photographs, what is it that you enjoy most? The creativity, the composition, the feedback you get from those who see them?

I used to be more risqué with my photos. I did some on Fetlife when I first signed up, to combat my own anxieties and self confidence, so if anything, they were for creativity. Something to express for myself.

The same goes if I’m sending them to my lady – which doesn’t happen as much because I’ve startled her one too many times while being super busy! It’s a creative expression that I want to share with her specifically, but I do love her reactions 😀

If you participate in any of the memes above, what made you decide to take part? How did you feel the first time you linked a post for others to see?

I don’t post nudes of myself on my blog here. But I guess, for anyone on my Fetlife, I don’t necessarily mind you know? Like, I’m doing it for my own confidence. I can’t worry about anyone’s feelings other than my own or how my lady feels about that particular photo. And in that sense, being open about said nudity is just one of the ways I keep challenging myself to be and to feel Open.

How comfortable are you sharing semi-nude/nude/sexually explicit photos of yourself, either online or via a “sext”?

I wouldn’t say very comfortable at all, but I like to keep positive. Again, to challenge myself. If it’s up there, It means I’m giving the middle finger to any lingering doubt.

Share the details of a particularly memorable “first” – what was it that made it so memorable for you?

Oh gosh! Just thinking about this makes my tummy flip. I remember being floored at just how transformative my lady was, in the beginning. Keep in mind, we were newbies together, though I had a little more experience than her, had done years of soul searching before, as she had done on her own. But before we reconnected, she was wondering what this meant and that meant. And so the submissive was inside her already. And I was the first to train her on the ways. She was, in many ways, my first student.

But listen to me, I’m rambling. When I say she transformed – she’s not meek in any sense. She’s an extrovert where I’m an introvert. However she’s extremely shy as well when it comes to explicit natures. So when we first interacted, when I choked her for the first time and she hissed like a women possessed — ‘is that all you’ve got?’ – Fuck me, man, If that wasn’t magic I experienced. Seeing that transformation and then reacting to it, kinda like in how werewolves transform, I could feel my my bones shifting, tensing, with my own transformation. It was divine.

How do you employ your senses to enhance your enjoyment of sex?

There’s a lot of touching, of exploring pleasure and pain in a touch. I like the contrast. But something I feel heightens the encounter is looking into each other’s eyes as we play. I feel that’s intensely personal.

Communication is Key: A Look into New D/s Relationships

I want to talk about the welfare of a submissive, from the point of view of a Dominant, because it’s something that, in my excitement as a youngin’ – or young Dominant, if you will, I missed because I was foolhardy.

Not only is it important to communicate openly, when getting to know one another, but it is also important to maintain that deep level of communication consistently along the way.

I made the mistake there, I got lost initially in my own interest or desire, without thinking of the classic concept of cause and effect and how my interests may impact my lady, my submissive, down the road.

It’s easy to type the sentence – be thorough – but it’s another thing entirely to do out loud, in person with one another. And it’s even trickier to talk about because each dynamic is different and what works and didn’t work for me might be different for the next couple.

Regardless, listen to your partner. Be attentive. But more importantly, be open. Not to his or her own interests but any ideas they may have to put onto the label table you two may eventually play on.

You could even set a time, each week say, to talk openly. Get away from the TV, the phones, the distractions – and just chat. One of my favourite things to do personally is lie down beside my lady in a darkened room and talk to her. Without gazing at a screen, miniscule or massive, the conversation tree-lines open up. There’s an intimacy there, an openness that lets us operate. It’s rather beautiful, you know? But that’s me.

It’s always important to touch base – ask each other how things are in the D/s dynamic. Is there room for improvement? Are you both satisfied? Is there any new things you want to try? Is there anything wrong with how things have been currently operating? Get thorough.

 

A Newborn Submissive

 

First and foremost, I want to address any new or curious submissive currently reading out there – but that being said, this can apply to Dominants with new submissive partners.

The first thing I will say is to be patient. Mistakes are going to be made. Dominants, do not rush in with punishing, however sexy the concept seems, but submissives, do not – I repeat – DO NOT – beat yourself up. You may feel like a loser that you made a mistake, it may feel like your life as a submissive has ended before it began – but lift that chin up, mister / miss. We’re human. We make mistakes. And guess what? Doms make mistakes as well, and trust me, we feel just as stupid when it occurs to.

So patience is the number one biggest thing to remember with new submissive partners. After all, they are learning. Guide them, teach them, be kind to them and put aside your self for the moment to shield them in your training together.

For me, I like to deconstruct every bit of information with a new submissive. There are so many classifications to fall into now that, in the beginning, it can get confusing as to where you really stand. Deconstructing terms together can prove useful, even helpful. You could even make it something special – perhaps a nude cuddle together in a low lit warm space? Something safe and guarded – a moment free of judgement.

Encouraging the identity and individuality of your submissive is paramount, as it is for a submissive to follow their hearts and realise their inner strength when navigating the world of BDSM on their own. It can be overwhelming with so many titles and behaviours of roles cris-crossing that it can be hard to identify just who you are. Remember to listen to your impulses and keep in mind that you have every right to customise dynamics and the like to your taste.

Keeping a dialogue open so that concepts can be explored or encouraged, if confidence needs boosting, is always a lovely idea. A healthy and safe environment is a beautiful thing.

I am going to stop here before I write a larger essay. I hope this sheds some light. If not, I hope I can clear some things up for anyone. Be safe and be kind!

 

Regarding Personal Emails

I wanted to touch base quickly, before launching into another post, about emailing me. I answer every and any email, I always will. Sometimes it launches a lovely little chain in which two strangers swap stories and share a laugh, sometimes resources and advice is exchanged, sometimes I cannot help and apologise profusely.

 

On rare occasions, I forget to reply. This could be a number of reasons – I subscribe to a bunch of talented individuals and miss the personal name in amongst the others, other times I genuinely think I’ve replied when it’s just a daydream – which is as baffling as Déjà vu – and sometimes I go through anxious periods where I can’t talk or write. It sounds selfish, but I just can’t find it in me to write. This is a common thing with me, I find. The shows I love have no meaning, my favourite past times become unthinkable. That’s anxiety.

 

However.

 

If I’ve missed your email, or have not responded, do not – I repeat – DO NOT – EVER think that it’s a conscious decision on my behalf. If I haven’t replied in under a week, stick it to me. Don’t let me get away with it.

 

I know, I know – chasing someone up is uncomfortable, you start to wonder – do they care enough? Maybe I’m being a pest? Maybe they’re too busy? Worst case scenario – they’re an awful human being. You don’t have to chase me up, because it’s my responsibility as I’ve offered to communicate in the first place, but I wanted to reassure anyone that no, I am rarely too busy to reply, I wouldn’t offer if I was worried about pests and I definitely care about helping anyone where I possibly can.

 

I wanted to write this because I replied to an old email from a reader just now and I had wondered, as I often do, if there was an individual out there that had wondered whether or not it was okay to approach me personally still or if it was okay to ‘spam’ email me.

 

It’s perfectly fine to do both, should you feel the need. I welcome an open dialogue, be it questions about the lifestyle, about personal issues, about how I write – anything.

To those I’ve replied to in a late manner, I apologise from the bottom of my heart. I certainly hope it hasn’t discouraged you from speaking up in future, either again to me or otherwise.

– TD&D

The Dark Truths At The Heart Of It All

Man or woman, husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, friend of friends – if you’ve found your way to this blog, if you are stuck and wondering what to do next, I beseech you – listen to your heart. Take the time, find a quiet place and reflect.

Maybe you’re in a committed relationship, maybe you’re a father or a mother – you think you’ve set the table for this life and you ought to lie in the bed you made. But if you’re anything like me, it won’t leave you, these thoughts, this compulsion, it will keep coming back until it claws it’s way through your skin.

I know. I tried bottling it away – I had a natural conclusion to my story, I’d felt. I was a husband. I could be a father. I’d get the house, the white picket fence, her beautiful and unique self, her supportive family – all if I packaged away the feelings that started to bubble to the surface. That was the right thing to do, I thought. The selfless thing.

I don’t blame my wife for finding another man. The struggle to live a life that wasn’t me was starting to show it’s cracks in my skin. I was beginning to become distant. Strained.

But her decision to seperate was the push I was too cowardly to face. It led me down some dark paths where I faced some truths, some powerful in their unbridled beauty, some agonising. All of which I needed to hear. To feel. Things I needed to understand and accept – about myself, my flaws, my errors and who I was.

You see, we owe it to ourselves to listen to that dark part inside of us.

I get criticised for using the term ‘dark’ sometimes – because how can something so beautiful be dark right? I thought of rape fantasies, vulgar degradation, Pet Play so humiliating, incestuous roleplaying, fantasies so absurd I’m not even going to put them here – these were things so intoxicating that I’d wake from my dream achingly hard.

But I’d feel shame. Remorse. Guilt. Anguish.

This is why I use the term ‘dark’ – because it’s the untapped psychosexual fantasies that can scare you but are ultimately apart of you. Sometimes they can be so potent, so lucid, that it lingers in your waking day, unable to leave till you scour your body raw in the shower.

So if you’re reading this and you fall into the areas I touch upon, do something for me. Listen to the uncomfortable parts that wake you in the night. Explore the fantasy, the path, untouched, be it in your mind or down on paper in a journal. Don’t you ever feel shame for any of it, for these are a part of you. They are your humanity and no matter how dark or twisted you think they may be, there is beauty to them.

Acceptance is the first step. But it is never easy. It is hard and it can feel relentless, this resistance to it, but each day, put one foot in front of the other and keep going, keep challenging yourself healthily. You’re just waking up.

Awakening The Primal Within

To me, Being primal is all about being yourself, unapologetic, unrefined, unfiltered. It’s about communicating with your self, your inner self – allowing yourself to recognise and tap into impulses and other ideas you otherwise might have hidden away from family, friends and potential partners.

But as I would learn and have learned, it’s so much more than any blog can define. It’s a way of life, a conscious decision to live, not exist. To stand tall, face the concept of fear and challenge yourself. It’s to embrace the animal within in ways personal to the individual.

The first signs, though I would come to know this much later in life, occurred in myself when I was 12. One of the things that I liked to do was take off all my clothes and run through the forest that surrounded where I grew up.

Sometimes I would find a clearing, hidden from the eyes of my family, and come intensely as I lay writhing on the ground of the bush.

It seemed to progress from there – I slept naked at night, hating the restrictions of clothes. I started swimming in the pool nude, when I could afford to, favouring the feeling on my bare skin. I even began to urinate outside, opting to stare out at the tree line as I relived myself. It brought me peace.

I would learn that years later, everything I had felt then and currently feel now all pointed to the fact that I was in communion with my inner animal.

It wasn’t easy to admit my true desires, my true feelings. I was an anxious child and teen, so terrified that if I opened my mouth I would be ridiculed, that anything I had to say wasn’t the norm of society.

The older I got, the more I became surrounded by friends and family that actively urged me to be myself. And the more I researched BDSM and forced myself to come out of my shell to communicate to people, to make friends, the more I became to realise – Fuck it, I need to be myself. I can’t play this game any longer.

Being primal is in my teachings as a mentor – I urge any who want me as a support system to speak their mind, to pursue their inner thoughts. To not hold back.

Being primal is how I approach this blog – I write unabated, in my fantasies, my thoughts and my dreams.

There is great beauty in being and feeling primal. There is the freedom of letting go, of lifting the weights and casting them aside. Of being yourself, for the first time in all your life.

Pet Play is another wondrous aspect of being primal, the concept being one inner animal connecting with another either in a roleplaying scene or amongst an animal they themselves identify with. But perhaps I’ve spoken too much on this already, and run the risk of self indulgence.

For those reading now, who may connect with these words and are seeking counsel, I strongly urge you to look inside yourself, to ask yourself – who am I? Where do I want to be?

As always, if you need to talk, do not give pause. You can reach me here or at darkanddominant@hotmail.com

It’s Okay To Sometimes Make a Mistake In This BDSM Lifestyle

Be you submissive or dominant or a lovely hybrid of both, if you’re new to the lifestyle – the great wide wonderful world of BDSM and kink and dynamics, chances are you’re bound to make a mistake. You’re bound to misinterpret or have a hiccup or stumble.

It could be forgetting to do a task, it could be a selfish reasoning to dominate, it could be an error in or out of the bedroom.

And you know what? That’s fine. That’s great. That’s okay, because that’s how we learn to improve — and there’s no shame in that. At least, you shouldn’t feel that way inclined.

So long as, if we are indeed in the wrong, we learn from the error and grow through the experience, that’s okay.

When I started off in the lifestyle, I didn’t even know it was a lifestyle. There was my first mistake. But even more so, I was thinking like a young mind. I was thinking I’m terms of only my dominance and not entirely of the needs and mindset of my girlfriend at the time.

Even when I entered into my first fully 24/7 relationship I made some hiccup mistakes – lapses in judgement that, after a discussion regarding it, I could understand the different perspective. And I learned from it.

Talking to others in the lifestyle really helped. It still does. I have an eager mind to talk sometimes when my anxiety doesn’t override my nature. Talking to others helped me understand, helped ease my mind into the mind of a submissive. I learned to become patient, to develop my awareness of the submissive self.

Having a family comprised of women certainly helped shape my understanding and nature I would say, but it was talking to – for me, submissive women – that helped me understand.

I understood my shortcomings, I understood a need to please, I listened and asked questions where I thought to.

So take it from a general fuck up – you can pick yourself back up and keep moving on, so long as you listen and understand and admit to your own misdirections – if any.

Remember: The only silly question is the one not asked. Talking to others and listening with an open mind and heart is key, as well as being open with yourself. Because you might very well change – and sometimes change can be good.

If you need to chat, doesn’t hesitate to reach me at — darkanddominant@hotmail.com