It’s Okay To Sometimes Make a Mistake In This BDSM Lifestyle

Be you submissive or dominant or a lovely hybrid of both, if you’re new to the lifestyle – the great wide wonderful world of BDSM and kink and dynamics, chances are you’re bound to make a mistake. You’re bound to misinterpret or have a hiccup or stumble.

It could be forgetting to do a task, it could be a selfish reasoning to dominate, it could be an error in or out of the bedroom.

And you know what? That’s fine. That’s great. That’s okay, because that’s how we learn to improve — and there’s no shame in that. At least, you shouldn’t feel that way inclined.

So long as, if we are indeed in the wrong, we learn from the error and grow through the experience, that’s okay.

When I started off in the lifestyle, I didn’t even know it was a lifestyle. There was my first mistake. But even more so, I was thinking like a young mind. I was thinking I’m terms of only my dominance and not entirely of the needs and mindset of my girlfriend at the time.

Even when I entered into my first fully 24/7 relationship I made some hiccup mistakes – lapses in judgement that, after a discussion regarding it, I could understand the different perspective. And I learned from it.

Talking to others in the lifestyle really helped. It still does. I have an eager mind to talk sometimes when my anxiety doesn’t override my nature. Talking to others helped me understand, helped ease my mind into the mind of a submissive. I learned to become patient, to develop my awareness of the submissive self.

Having a family comprised of women certainly helped shape my understanding and nature I would say, but it was talking to – for me, submissive women – that helped me understand.

I understood my shortcomings, I understood a need to please, I listened and asked questions where I thought to.

So take it from a general fuck up – you can pick yourself back up and keep moving on, so long as you listen and understand and admit to your own misdirections – if any.

Remember: The only silly question is the one not asked. Talking to others and listening with an open mind and heart is key, as well as being open with yourself. Because you might very well change – and sometimes change can be good.

If you need to chat, doesn’t hesitate to reach me at — darkanddominant@hotmail.com

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Misconceptions On a D/s lifestyle

Something that I’ve been meaning to sit down and write about for a while is addressing newcomers on their one-foot-in-the-world of D/s dynamics and BDSM.

The common fear being addressed, that I’ve ever stumbled across in Wikis or have heard directly are misconceptions relating to BDSM or a specific dynamic.

Misconceptions

I know there’s a misconception that all people involved in BDSM are strange gothic creatures, the type you may meet in a Marilyn Manson music video.

But it’s wrong.

The people you will find interested in BDSM or a D/s relationship are normal, small-country town people. They could be your doctor or the clerk at the mall or the guy who rips your ticket at the cinema.

Yes, there are people who take it to extreme measures. But extreme measures can be found anywhere. Look at Comic-Con or animal lovers or healthy folk. The point is, extremes generally depend on the individual.

It’s Not Just About Sex

Sure, a large component about it IS sex, but that’s not all a D/s relationship is comprised of.

If we are open minded about the process, we can find great beauty in the mix, as well as understanding, patience and grace.

A D/s relationship can involve the most beautiful quiet moments, a magnificent level of trust, a connection so rich or even profound that it enriches anything else the couple interacts with.

I once spoke to a woman who was interested in the Daddy / little girl lifestyle but didn’t want to be associated with what she believed was the true nature of the relationship – the incestuous sex play.

The problem here was the misconception was shaping her view on it and D/s relationships in general because she must’ve seen a meme or read an article or heard something that misunderstood reasoning.

I had to say. No. A Daddy / little girl relationship, while yes – can include any incestuous roleplay – is primarily about the interaction between a Dominant and a submissive on a very gut level, almost primal, instinct.

It’s How You Feel

While it’s fantastic to read up on differing dynamics and what they mean – this can help iron out some knots in your mind – don’t view it as a strict definition of who you are as a person, because that can change.

Find what suits you best. Adapt. Customise. Change. Make it personal to fit yourself or who you are, because you need to be happy with that person.

And should there come a day where change is terrifying, remember – it’s okay to navigate new areas. One day I woke up and realised that, after all, there was a side to my personality I likened to that of a Master. I’m not strictly a Master, I’m a weird sort of a hybrid. And yeah, I copped flak from other Dominants due to their own perceived definitions, but you’ve got to make yourself happy. You’ve got to lead your own path.

Don’t Be Scared

You’re not going to lose yourself in the process of learning new things about yourself. Just try and think of it as going back to school, learning new units. I guarantee you that you’ll still be your old self, just maybe new and improved.

It may be scary to start a new main quest. It may feel like you’ll need to readjust your whole way of thinking. You may feel shame and fear and guilt, but in time that will pass..

An Open Letter To Anyone Struggling

To Whom It May Concern,

Maybe writing this is futile. Pointless. I don’t know. But every so often, I like to leave a note to whom ever is passing by.

It’s never too late to start again. Think of it as a chapter, a new book, a part of the saga. The next entry into the book you’re writing. The movie you’re making.

Explore the fantasies that scare you, do the thing that you’ve been wrestling about. Keep a journal about your progress.

Do not be ashamed of your feelings. Do not feel stupid for asking for help. There are no stupid questions. And each one of us started at the beginning.

Know you’re going to fall. You’re going to hurt, you may even feel like things are hopeless. But you can keep going. You just need to step, one day, one moment at a time.

Remember: You do belong. You aren’t alone. You CAN do this. You DO have time. You CAN be in a successful relationship, they will accept you. You ARE NOT psychotic.

You are the captain of your own ship, the master of your own soul. And you have the strength, you might have just forgotten how to wield it.

Lastly. Know that my email is always open. I would never judge nor would I turn you away.

Indeed my life fluctuates from the ever busy to downtime, but know this: I would not ghost you, I would not ignore. I will write as soon as I am humanly able to.

You don’t need me though. You have everything you need within you. Be brave, keep your head up and remember: one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day.

Before long, you will climb that mountain and stand victorious!

TD&D

The Animal Within: Discussing Pet Play

The other day I stumbled across a reddit post in which the user kindly asked if anyone could explain the appeal of pet play to him.

That sparked, within me, an idea to write about it on this here blog, for newcomers and those either curious about the kink or just shy to talk openly about it.

For those who don’t know about the kink, pet play is a type of dynamic that sees the submissive inhabit an animal to their liking and the Dominant embodies the role of their handler / owner.

What possible situations come out of this dynamic? The sky is the limit, really. But think along the lines of caging, roleplaying, leads and leashes and maybe even a heightened sense of obedience.

I’ve got to be honest with you – this sort of thing appeals to me. Why? I’m not entirely sure. Is it because I’m animalistic and primal? An animal lover? Or just someone who relishes the idea of jumping into my submissive’s mind and getting in touch with her animalistic side.

Part of the appeal is just finding I respond to this person’s animal, or idea of an animal, you know? It’s stripping away all fragments of our humanity and getting back to our core. It’s connection on an almost spiritual level.

I mean, yeah! I like the cat ears and the caging and the special bowl reserved for treats and water. I like the role play and interaction. But I think – like anything in kink and BDSM, what I’m drawn to is the interaction between two minds and the psychology of WHY we are drawn to it.

Hopefully that helps for those new to the dynamic or simply wishing to understand.

What Does It Mean To Be Dominant?

For me, being Dominant is a having this thread that weaves in and out of everything I’ve been carrying around and thinking about since I was much younger.

It ties into my rebellious nature against established structures, work, family or otherwise. It ties into my personal development as a human being – my need as a teen to establish independence, my bodily response to others exerting Dominance. It ties into my relationships. My vanilla ones that saw me leading things sexually at first, then as I failed and got back up, more on a psychological level.

To me, it’s not as perfectly cut as identifying as an Alpha and taking charge in any environment, it runs much deeper than that. It’s spiritual and psychological and romantic.

It’s something within me that answers the call of a submissive’s soul – and in turn, it protects and nurtures and guides it. But more than that, it goes on this strange and beautiful journey of discovery and exploration through life.

It’s spiritual because without it, I’m not quite sure who I am. Maybe it’s no wonder why the day I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at the height of panic I was also struggling to adapt without D/s and BDSM and the Dominance persona.

It’s spiritual because it’s not just about a power exchange or about the thrill of dressing my kitten. It has the power of healing. Of creating a dome for me to lie in, basking in the warmth of company and of intimacy.

It’s psychological because I’m seduced by the mind. I’m seduced by the study of the mind, the behaviour of it. The reasoning behind its interests. I’m seduced by the connection between two minds and why such a thing exists.

And it’s romantic because deep down, the time spent together, in my mind or here, is so raw and magical and beautiful in all of the darker ways.

I don’t know how to simply explain Dominance. I’m not sure I even could. It changes for each individual – as it should, adapting it to fit our lives, our styles and our perspectives.

But for me, it’s a part of my mind, my interests, my soul and sexuality. It was there as a seed in my youth and it’s been growing ever so slowly and steadily since.

Don’t Be Afraid

Here’s the thing.

If we know each other – if we’re friends or you’re a reader of this blog, whatever the case may be – if you want to write in to me, for whatever reason, please do not let your mind hold you back from doing so. I beseech you.

It’s difficult to put feelings into words, I understand that. And though you might mind the rambling email your brain comes out with, I certainly don’t. Free form writing is therapeutic – and I certainly don’t judge any form or situation you wish to share or discuss or vent about.

There has been times where I’ve checked in on a reader who graciously wrote in, and they said they wanted to write sooner but they didn’t want to disturb or didn’t know how to —

And if I can’t, then try your closest friend, or any support system around you. All you need is all around you.

Why am I writing this? Here? Now? AGAIN?! Because whether you’re a teenager struggling to come to terms with your school life while identifying your kinks / sexual identity – or an adult juggling your work life, relationship / singlehood and sexuality, I want you to know that if the walls seem to close on in, you’re not alone. No matter how it feels like an ending, the next chapter is beginning.

As far as writing in to me goes, if you’re worried about intruding on my time, know I reply when I have time to and that it doesn’t impact any other factor in my life. Worried you’re bothering me? Nope! And I’d say so, albeit politely, even if you were. I aim to be honest in life, as that was how I was taught.

I guess part of why I come back to offering help is because, as someone who is introverted and shy, as someone who has been what the cool kids call ‘ghosted’ in the past, I know that frustration of being alone or silenced by your own head.

I’ll address some of this in a later post – but for now I wanted to write this to start a rallying cry – to get people to seize that strength within them to move on, to feel confident within themselves, to tackle their life while exploring their minds, to even write in to me and break away that fear.

You have the power to persevere.

To Those Suffering: You Are Not Alone. You Are Not A Freak.

Browsing my Tumblr, I came across a link in my feed that featured the intriguing concept of a suicide hotline but in text, for those with anxiety when it comes to using the phone and talking.

And I was inspired to write.

When I was a teenager, I was dealing with anxiety before I even fully understood what it meant to have an anxiety disorder.

I would obsess on details, go around in circles on every minute detail, convinced I had missed the point, when in actual fact I was driving myself to madness.

My sexuality is something I’d obsessed about. I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand – I enjoyed being naked, which, coming from a household where being shirtless as a man was something my family would scoff at, meant I’d harboured ill thoughts about myself.

I had a significantly high sex drive, often indulging in the sensualities of pleasure. And on top of all that, I had started to be drawn towards the darker things, the animalistic things, and I had no idea why.

Every time I got the courage to try and talk to someone about it, either a girlfriend or via some age old chatroom, my nerves fell apart.

And who could I talk to? I had friends but then we were of an age where kink was the underlying butt of a joke – Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.

I self-harmed. I don’t know why. To make sense of it all, to feel something. I still have the scars. I still can hear the sound of my skin popping beneath the blade I used – and I’m ashamed. I cringe now. That was me? That lost, foolish guy?

This wasn’t the right way, it wasn’t who I am, but I didn’t know what way was right.

People of all ages read my blog. I’m grateful for that, I welcome that. I never thought I’d amount to much on a blog, let alone have people write in. Yet they do.

I know teenagers read my blog. I occasionally get an email from some.

I don’t judge their experiences. Or their age. We were like them once and I’ll do all I can if it means I help just one person.

But to adults and teenagers alike, let me say this: You are not alone, you are not a freak. The anxious thoughts you grapple with will pass in time, this I can promise you.

I know it will feel like nothing can ever get better, I know it’ll feel like today your life will never be the same again – but it will.

It might not be today. It might be here tomorrow. But it will fade and you will feel yourself again.

We are not mad for being sensual beings, we are not freaks. We are a select few who choose to explore the other parts of our minds that some are too scared to unlock and explore, our of fear they’ll find something they cannot accept.

If you’re worried about anyone judging you – think on this: Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. If you lose anyone if or when you reveal this other side to you, it’s on them and definitely not on you. Do you understand?

Lastly, I know I’m some guy on the Internet, on a BDSM blog about Valkyries and kink and warped Disney stories – but if ever that anxiety becomes soul crushing, if you’re friends and family seem to bear a weight down upon you, if you find yourself feeling like the world is going to end tonight, please – write to someone. Yourself, closest friend or family member, me.

As a stranger, I’m happy to help you carry the load. You’re not alone. You’re not a freak.