An Open Letter To Anyone Struggling

To Whom It May Concern,

Maybe writing this is futile. Pointless. I don’t know. But every so often, I like to leave a note to whom ever is passing by.

It’s never too late to start again. Think of it as a chapter, a new book, a part of the saga. The next entry into the book you’re writing. The movie you’re making.

Explore the fantasies that scare you, do the thing that you’ve been wrestling about. Keep a journal about your progress.

Do not be ashamed of your feelings. Do not feel stupid for asking for help. There are no stupid questions. And each one of us started at the beginning.

Know you’re going to fall. You’re going to hurt, you may even feel like things are hopeless. But you can keep going. You just need to step, one day, one moment at a time.

Remember: You do belong. You aren’t alone. You CAN do this. You DO have time. You CAN be in a successful relationship, they will accept you. You ARE NOT psychotic.

You are the captain of your own ship, the master of your own soul. And you have the strength, you might have just forgotten how to wield it.

Lastly. Know that my email is always open. I would never judge nor would I turn you away.

Indeed my life fluctuates from the ever busy to downtime, but know this: I would not ghost you, I would not ignore. I will write as soon as I am humanly able to.

You don’t need me though. You have everything you need within you. Be brave, keep your head up and remember: one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day.

Before long, you will climb that mountain and stand victorious!

TD&D

Advertisements

The Animal Within: Discussing Pet Play

The other day I stumbled across a reddit post in which the user kindly asked if anyone could explain the appeal of pet play to him.

That sparked, within me, an idea to write about it on this here blog, for newcomers and those either curious about the kink or just shy to talk openly about it.

For those who don’t know about the kink, pet play is a type of dynamic that sees the submissive inhabit an animal to their liking and the Dominant embodies the role of their handler / owner.

What possible situations come out of this dynamic? The sky is the limit, really. But think along the lines of caging, roleplaying, leads and leashes and maybe even a heightened sense of obedience.

I’ve got to be honest with you – this sort of thing appeals to me. Why? I’m not entirely sure. Is it because I’m animalistic and primal? An animal lover? Or just someone who relishes the idea of jumping into my submissive’s mind and getting in touch with her animalistic side.

Part of the appeal is just finding I respond to this person’s animal, or idea of an animal, you know? It’s stripping away all fragments of our humanity and getting back to our core. It’s connection on an almost spiritual level.

I mean, yeah! I like the cat ears and the caging and the special bowl reserved for treats and water. I like the role play and interaction. But I think – like anything in kink and BDSM, what I’m drawn to is the interaction between two minds and the psychology of WHY we are drawn to it.

Hopefully that helps for those new to the dynamic or simply wishing to understand.

What Does It Mean To Be Dominant?

For me, being Dominant is a having this thread that weaves in and out of everything I’ve been carrying around and thinking about since I was much younger.

It ties into my rebellious nature against established structures, work, family or otherwise. It ties into my personal development as a human being – my need as a teen to establish independence, my bodily response to others exerting Dominance. It ties into my relationships. My vanilla ones that saw me leading things sexually at first, then as I failed and got back up, more on a psychological level.

To me, it’s not as perfectly cut as identifying as an Alpha and taking charge in any environment, it runs much deeper than that. It’s spiritual and psychological and romantic.

It’s something within me that answers the call of a submissive’s soul – and in turn, it protects and nurtures and guides it. But more than that, it goes on this strange and beautiful journey of discovery and exploration through life.

It’s spiritual because without it, I’m not quite sure who I am. Maybe it’s no wonder why the day I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at the height of panic I was also struggling to adapt without D/s and BDSM and the Dominance persona.

It’s spiritual because it’s not just about a power exchange or about the thrill of dressing my kitten. It has the power of healing. Of creating a dome for me to lie in, basking in the warmth of company and of intimacy.

It’s psychological because I’m seduced by the mind. I’m seduced by the study of the mind, the behaviour of it. The reasoning behind its interests. I’m seduced by the connection between two minds and why such a thing exists.

And it’s romantic because deep down, the time spent together, in my mind or here, is so raw and magical and beautiful in all of the darker ways.

I don’t know how to simply explain Dominance. I’m not sure I even could. It changes for each individual – as it should, adapting it to fit our lives, our styles and our perspectives.

But for me, it’s a part of my mind, my interests, my soul and sexuality. It was there as a seed in my youth and it’s been growing ever so slowly and steadily since.

Don’t Be Afraid

Here’s the thing.

If we know each other – if we’re friends or you’re a reader of this blog, whatever the case may be – if you want to write in to me, for whatever reason, please do not let your mind hold you back from doing so. I beseech you.

It’s difficult to put feelings into words, I understand that. And though you might mind the rambling email your brain comes out with, I certainly don’t. Free form writing is therapeutic – and I certainly don’t judge any form or situation you wish to share or discuss or vent about.

There has been times where I’ve checked in on a reader who graciously wrote in, and they said they wanted to write sooner but they didn’t want to disturb or didn’t know how to —

And if I can’t, then try your closest friend, or any support system around you. All you need is all around you.

Why am I writing this? Here? Now? AGAIN?! Because whether you’re a teenager struggling to come to terms with your school life while identifying your kinks / sexual identity – or an adult juggling your work life, relationship / singlehood and sexuality, I want you to know that if the walls seem to close on in, you’re not alone. No matter how it feels like an ending, the next chapter is beginning.

As far as writing in to me goes, if you’re worried about intruding on my time, know I reply when I have time to and that it doesn’t impact any other factor in my life. Worried you’re bothering me? Nope! And I’d say so, albeit politely, even if you were. I aim to be honest in life, as that was how I was taught.

I guess part of why I come back to offering help is because, as someone who is introverted and shy, as someone who has been what the cool kids call ‘ghosted’ in the past, I know that frustration of being alone or silenced by your own head.

I’ll address some of this in a later post – but for now I wanted to write this to start a rallying cry – to get people to seize that strength within them to move on, to feel confident within themselves, to tackle their life while exploring their minds, to even write in to me and break away that fear.

You have the power to persevere.

To Those Suffering: You Are Not Alone. You Are Not A Freak.

Browsing my Tumblr, I came across a link in my feed that featured the intriguing concept of a suicide hotline but in text, for those with anxiety when it comes to using the phone and talking.

And I was inspired to write.

When I was a teenager, I was dealing with anxiety before I even fully understood what it meant to have an anxiety disorder.

I would obsess on details, go around in circles on every minute detail, convinced I had missed the point, when in actual fact I was driving myself to madness.

My sexuality is something I’d obsessed about. I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand – I enjoyed being naked, which, coming from a household where being shirtless as a man was something my family would scoff at, meant I’d harboured ill thoughts about myself.

I had a significantly high sex drive, often indulging in the sensualities of pleasure. And on top of all that, I had started to be drawn towards the darker things, the animalistic things, and I had no idea why.

Every time I got the courage to try and talk to someone about it, either a girlfriend or via some age old chatroom, my nerves fell apart.

And who could I talk to? I had friends but then we were of an age where kink was the underlying butt of a joke – Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.

I self-harmed. I don’t know why. To make sense of it all, to feel something. I still have the scars. I still can hear the sound of my skin popping beneath the blade I used – and I’m ashamed. I cringe now. That was me? That lost, foolish guy?

This wasn’t the right way, it wasn’t who I am, but I didn’t know what way was right.

People of all ages read my blog. I’m grateful for that, I welcome that. I never thought I’d amount to much on a blog, let alone have people write in. Yet they do.

I know teenagers read my blog. I occasionally get an email from some.

I don’t judge their experiences. Or their age. We were like them once and I’ll do all I can if it means I help just one person.

But to adults and teenagers alike, let me say this: You are not alone, you are not a freak. The anxious thoughts you grapple with will pass in time, this I can promise you.

I know it will feel like nothing can ever get better, I know it’ll feel like today your life will never be the same again – but it will.

It might not be today. It might be here tomorrow. But it will fade and you will feel yourself again.

We are not mad for being sensual beings, we are not freaks. We are a select few who choose to explore the other parts of our minds that some are too scared to unlock and explore, our of fear they’ll find something they cannot accept.

If you’re worried about anyone judging you – think on this: Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. If you lose anyone if or when you reveal this other side to you, it’s on them and definitely not on you. Do you understand?

Lastly, I know I’m some guy on the Internet, on a BDSM blog about Valkyries and kink and warped Disney stories – but if ever that anxiety becomes soul crushing, if you’re friends and family seem to bear a weight down upon you, if you find yourself feeling like the world is going to end tonight, please – write to someone. Yourself, closest friend or family member, me.

As a stranger, I’m happy to help you carry the load. You’re not alone. You’re not a freak.

What Is A BDSM Mentor?

 

‘What is a BDSM Mentor?’ Is a question people who write in to me sometimes ask.
‘Are they together? Is it a romantic or sexual thing?’ is another question I get – and today, I’d like to cover precisely what a BDSM Mentor is and does, just to quell any confusion.

What is a BDSM Mentor?

First and foremost, a mentor is someone that has had plentiful experience in the lifestyle and whose desire is to guide their student in various ways such as answering questions, helping with any struggles and introducing them to tools that can help their development.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant Mentor?

This is entirely subjective. I personally think anyone can guide and instruct, provided they have the will and mind and desire for it.

That being said, there are, of course, insights each person in the dynamic could provide you. Things that might tap into how one might feel.

And with that mind, the same could be said for a submissive talking with a Dominant mentor or a Dominant talking with a submissive Mentor.

It comes down to personal taste and preference. Not to mention who you feel more comfortable taking to, man or woman.

Is a BDSM Mentor a romantic and / or sexual thing?

No, it is entirely platonic. Of course the topic will be based in the sexual nature of things, but the Mentor’s role is to instruct, not to claim and desire. It should never cross that line.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

It usually begins by conversing via email and if thoughts require an immediacy, I give the option of my own personal kik, which will reach me in the moment.

However the pupil in question wants to interact, the key thing that I want to do is listen.

Helping others iron out any mental wrinkles has been my number one goal since I started this blog back in 2015 so my first order of business is to listen, then counsel and instruct.

I’m happy to explain dynamics, the meaning of BDSM terms and to offer a bibliography of certain books I have found useful in my own journey.

Some people write in terribly anxious and nervous and don’t know what to say. And to those people, I do my best to create a safe and calm environment where they might be able to alleviate any anxiety.

On occasion, I have given exercises that might useful to a situation, such as helping one person get to a gym of a day or help to counter-act negative body image.

Mentors and Friendship

It’s important to develop a friendship and deep trust with your mentor. I cannot stress that enough.

There’s no point asking after a mentor just because – because first and foremost, you need a solid foundation with this person. And to that end, think about what you want in a friend – are they easy to get along with, do you guys make each other laugh? Do you have common interests?

When you know, you’ll know.

But can’t I just learn from the BDSM Community in general? Y’know, like Fetlife?

I suppose you can. I certainly did. I had no mentor, which is probably why I like to offer it so much – because I don’t want anyone to feel alone.

Personally, sometimes the overload of information can be stressful. Which can lead to a trigger effect in which you start to crumble every time you come back to the pool to soak your skin.

I felt that many times in my life and it drove me away many times. If you prefer seeking information from the community rather then one person, persevere. You’ll be all the stronger for it.

That being said, a one-on-one interaction is a special thing. An intimate thing. Though it has the ability to overstimulate with information, perhaps the mentor can back off and drip feed accordingly.

Again, it’s subjective. Find what works for you.

I really hope this helps clear a few things up for anyone interested in mentoring or in finding a mentor.

Remember to be safe and sure and good luck in your travels.
For any questions regarding mentoring or finding a mentor, I’m always a message away.

The Art of Choking

I was worried ‘the art of choking’ sounds pompous but it felt right. There’s an art to many things – shaving, cooking, even getting dressed.

And considering how my last post on choking was in the infant stages of my blog, back in 2015, I wanted to write something more refined on it as we speed towards the end of 2017.

The trick with choking is that it’s all in the control. It should go without saying you don’t want to crush that beautiful throat like a can, it’s about applying pressure.

For me, applying pressure is like a slow build of tension. Things start off gentle but the more it goes on, the more the pressure escalates to a point.

I say ‘to a point’ because, well, everyone will have a different threshold of how they like it, that’s the nature of the beast.

Kitten and I, we like things a little tougher, a little rougher. So I know where the line is when my hand is around her sweet pale throat.

If you’re worried about where the line is for you, if you’re new to choking and you want to try it out, experiment with pressure. Don’t go in like you’re The Terminator – be gentle.

The best thing is that you can set a whole play session to exploring what works and what doesn’t.

Ask your submissive if you’re unsure. Don’t be embarrassed to learn, that can be how you grow together. And that’s half the fun!

I used to be hesitant about it myself. In the moment, I could go primal and lose myself. This was back when I was finding a balance.

My lovely lady helped me find my way. Reassured me what was okay, that it was fine to tighten my hand around her neck. We were in sync in this regard.

It took a good few months to be okay with this. I’m a sensitive soul after all. When she’d start to struggle to breath, I’d panic. And she’d smile, gently telling me it’s okay, then later pleading with me not to stop.

So in the end, it’s not about how hard you can choke, it’s about pressure and how gently you can increase or decrease in a safe manner.

Don’t be afraid to experiment, so long as you’re gentle and safe about it!