Define Yourself

When I was younger – let’s say, 20-21, which feels like a lifetime ago – I often wondered where my place was when it came to the different dynamics of Dominance. 

The more I studied myself and the more I interacted with people, the more I could see I had a hand in different pies. I had the traits of a Daddy, a sadistic side that could fit in with a Master-type – and yet above all that, I had my own sensibilities. Vanilla sensibilities. 

In the past there have been people that have told me outright I was Dominant. Because I didn’t follow their own specifications. I’ve just recently been labeled a false Dominant because of my age. How could I possibly know what I want at my age, right? 

I don’t let this kind of thing get to me. I have been to the deepest darkest part of my mind and peeled behind the curtain. I’ve felt what it means to starve the darkness within me. I’ve wanted to do cruel and unspeakable things to the man that hit on my kitten at a venue a month ago or so now. And I’ve felt the freedom of being a primal, the rush of feeling like this is where I want to be – this spot right here.

We should not judge each other. Ever. We should practice kindness. Openness. We should remember that people grow and learn and become the same as we are in different ways. After all, we are in this together. 

I’ve spent my twenties putting names to my deepest feelings and desires. I’ve spent those years determining if things were a phase – or what thing works for me. 

To the individual – I’ll say this: Follow your heart. It will tell you what is right, what is wrong and what has always been true. No one can take that away from you, for they are fools if they try.

The Psychology behind these dynamics are multidimensional and unique to each person. Find what makes your heart soar. You will know when you feel elated, like you’re in the midst of an epiphany.

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Dear Teenagers Nervous About BDSM…

When you’re a teenager and you’re navigating your sexuality, it can feel like the scariest thing in the world.

Who can you talk to? How do you learn? Can you talk to adults on the web or will they think you’re silly and turn you away like the others have? Worst case scenario: Will they abuse your trust and attempt to flirt with you?

It wasn’t easy in the age of no internet and it certainly isn’t easy now even with all this information at your fingertips ready to be absorbed.

As a perverted teenager into BDSM, I found my way by falling a lot. And often stood in circles listening to others laugh or frown at the very idea of BDSM and other such kink related things.

If things are overwhelming you, if you feel like you’re trapped and cannot talk to anyone without feeling ashamed or – worse – invalid – then I’ve got a few concepts for you to consider:

You’re Not Alone

Your sexual thoughts, your desires, and your questions do not – I repeat – DO NOT make you – silly, stupid, invalid, wrong, a freak, disgusting – any of those things.

I guarantee you that whatever you’re feeling or thinking or even fantasising about, someone has experienced that before. That’s not to say you aren’t unique – because each of us ARE – rather it means the kink you think is rare or weird isn’t as rare or weird as you think.

I used to feel the same way. I mean, I was a teen with a brother-sister incest fantasy. And you know what? That led me to other people who felt as weird as I did.

The weird thing about the universe is that it leads you to certain people. They’ll be drawn to you and vice versa. Something to consider when the going gets tough.

 

Journal Your Thoughts, Fears and Dreams

What do you fantasise about? What do you want to explore? What keeps you up at night? Write it down.

When it comes to you, your mind and the page, you’d be surprised where your mind goes and what you write down.

I used to keep a journal of all my feelings – and that damned thing survived three relationships and a fuck tonne of moping.

More than this, you might find yourself discovering new things about the way your mind works.

You learn to analyse in a way, and in doing so you find yourself coming back to a moment that can help define whatever it is you are seeking or whatever you are exploring.

So long as you are truthful with yourself, you can go as deep into your psyche as you want to learn about your ticks.

 

The Only Silly Question Is The One Not Asked

I used to hate asking questions. Why? Because I felt like a total idiot. I felt like a bother. And I always felt like the person I was asking didn’t feel like they should have to explain it – and that’s partly on me and my anxieties and partly on the personality of the individual.

IF you come across a person who seems annoyed or aggressive because of you asking questions, chances are they’re not the person you should be asking. So don’t take that as a reflection of you, some people just don’t want that job of answering questions. That’s on them. NOT on you.

My advice to teenagers is this: Find your voice, gather your words, and practice speaking openly. No question is too wild or dumb, because that is how you learn. So one day you might help someone else in need.

I suffered low self esteem. I hated my voice. I mumbled and was quiet. I screwed up words constantly. I had to discipline myself to be okay with asking questions – to speak up. And if a lowly person such as myself can do it, you can do it too!

 

Challenge Your Mind Constantly

Push your boundaries. Be open to new experiences, new sights, new sounds.

Do you struggle with body issues? Try being nude more, just doing small everyday things like cleaning your room, listening to music. Become use to your body. Love who you are. Is there a kink you don’t like? Why? Define your answers, explore your reasoning. Is there an act that makes you uncomfortable? What is it? Why does it affect you so?

Lastly: Do not be afraid of your inner darkness. Some people, when they are confronted with their true selves, run away screaming.

But you can only run so far before you form a circle and end up face to face with your primal side, if such a thing lays dormant within you.

If it does, remember this: You’ve survived it before, you can do it again.

 

Talk To Someone If You Need To

Absolutely this. If there’s a recurring worry, if there’s a nightmare that’s woken you up, if you have a general question, consider talking to your closest friend. Consider writing to a blog writer or forum. There are many avenues you can choose to find help, it is never too late and there is never a limit to how many questions you can ask. If things are overwhelming, never ever hesitate – I cannot stress this enough.

On top of that, you can always feel free to email me if you have something to say, need advice, have a question, just need to write after a bad dream – anything.

My contact is in the ABOUT ME section of the blog.

It may feel like things are overwhelming, like there is too much information out there.

If you’re a teenager and you feel cornered and alone and just need advice, you’re not alone. I’m here to talk to, night or day. If you write in, no matter how jumbled you may feel your words will be, I’ll write back. I promise.

And if you ever feel you can’t possibly learn all these new things, remember – baby steps. One day at a time. In time, you’ll learn all you want to know.

If I can do it, you can.

 

 

 

 

One For The Newbies: Some Tips For Beginners

Taking the first step to wanting to try any form of BDSM is intense. It’s scary, thrilling and overwhelming. Where do you start? What’s a primal? How do you navigate in a world so full of differences? It’s terrifying. 
‘Where do I start?’ Is a question that I get asked a lot – and it’s a difficult one, because everyone has a path set out for them and every path is different. 
Here’s some tips I have compiled for any newbie passing by. 
Research

Read everything you can find. Novels, self-help books, blogs, tumblr, websites. Self-help books are immensely useful, it’s what I used for my kitty’s training. It’s what I read when first starting out as well.
Blogs are useful tools because they are personal. They get right to the heart. And that’s something priceless and beautiful and valuable for someone coming to the lifestyle because you can learn. 
And it might make you feel less alone. 
Watching porn can be a useful starting point as well. If only because it might gauge how you feel towards a certain act, in a really visceral way. From a male’s perspective, it helped me identify my own interests because I started to realise that ‘hey, this really does turn me on’ – again, it’s a minor thing but it helped so maybe it might help you.

Fetlife

Fetlife is alienating and terrifying when first approaching, but it’s really rather handy for identifying local get togethers, convention and just finding a useful person as well. 
If you can break through any barriers you may have, I would say look into it. Give it a trial period and see how you go. You might surprise yourself or it might not be for you, you never know how you go until you try. 

Dip Into The Pool Slowly

Time’s a funny thing. You feel like you can’t get enough of it.
No one is going to be judging you if you take your time with learning. A Dominant shouldn’t harass a submissive for wanting to take things slow and a submissive shouldn’t force a Dominant into making snap decisions (But two examples out of many)

There is a lot to consider about BDSM – safe word’s, the length of a scene, the contract itself, tastes and distastes. And you know what? People grow differently. At different times. And you, my friend, have all the time in the world. 
You might even think ‘Well, Mr. Dark and Dominant, you don’t know my age’ – I don’t care if you’re 16, 40 or 80, you have time to learn and to go your own pace. And don’t ever let anyone judge you for it. 

Learning The Truth Is A Long And Personal Process

Reading, social media – they may be useful for you identifying key kinks – but at the end of the day, what’s really important is personal growth.
Grab a journal, a pen and sit down. Underline exactly what it is you want out of this journey. Draw a list of pro’s and cons. Make a list of any things you want to work on – body image, esteem, finding a partner, being comfortable in your own skin.

The biggest battle for me was accepting that my whole life was about to change. Looking back, it wasn’t as dramatic a change as I thought, but it was one a life altering one and that was scary and different and hard for me at first. 
You can do anything, you just have to practice until you are a god/goddess at it. That will come with time.

The Misconception Of The Daddy Dom & little girl.

Whenever I mention the dynamic of a Daddy Dom and a little girl to a newcomer who is asking me about where they fit into the lifestyle, I can often sense their awkwardness and hesitation.

Mostly it comes up if I sense this man has some Daddy traits in him, or whether the woman is a bit of a baby girl. To me, that kind of comes out. I just have this weird gut feeling.

The thing that usually comes up first is: Is it an incestuous thing?

 The answer is no. While it sure is named Daddy / little girl, it really is just a symbol of the type of relationship a couple has.

The man adopts a Daddy-like persona. The best way I can describe this, from personal experiences, is that it’s a deep, maybe even a deep rooted desire to nurture, much like a Dad would to a child.

While incest can certainly be part of the roleplay, and this really depends on couple’s preferences, The dynamic is really about these deep sensations and characteristics coming out in the person themselves.

Of course a Daddy needs that stabilisation – and this bring us to the little girl.
While you’re better off asking a female about the inner workings of her mind here, I will explain from a male’s perspective for some balance here.

Let’s start with a story. It’ll be quick, I promise.

I was laying in bed one night awake when kitten got up to go to the toilet. When she came back, she grumbled some incoherently, probably still foggy with sleep.
What’s wrong, I asked her. And I roll over to look.
She’s searching the bed for her toy kangaroo, which she sleeps with and which probably knocked away when getting out of bed. The toy kangaroo I gave to her as a gift because it was mine when I was 2 years old.

The little girl is the innocence still floating around in that mind of yours. It’s a mindset to be child-like, as if being possessed by your younger self. It’s the best way I can describe it. Which, I know, it’s shit. But this is what I see in my kitten, who likes me to read to her before bed, who snuggles my childhood toy, who likes to colour for me.

It’s these little aspects that compliment my Daddy, who needs that sort of child-like quality to fulfil the ever-hungry desire to nurture and grow.

Let me tell another story.

One of kitten’s friends from school posted something on Facebook and — I couldn’t help myself. As the creep I am, I messaged this person I’ve met twice and asked her if everything was okay, because I just had this sense that something wasn’t.

I was right, and I won’t let that go to my head, and we talked about what upset her. I told her it was okay, that if she ever needed to chat, I was here.

I mean, all the while my brain is like:

Fool you sound like a creep leave her alone you weirdo

But I was driven by this desire to reassure. Was I misguided? I mean, maybe? She probably won’t take me up on the offer, though I still hold hope just to prove my inbuilt negativity wrong, but the point was that the Daddy came out in me. I wanted to shield and protect, as if this friend was my own daughter. And that’s weird as fuck but, I don’t know. It’s just what it is.
I mean, she thanked me in the end, told me I was amazing – but he point is, I was doing it to nurture.

Tangent aside, that’s what the mindset is like for me. It’s why I identify as a Daddy Dom, or a Dom with Daddy traits.

Some people aren’t into the dynamic, because they think of their parents. There’s a hurdle to jump over that they’re not sure about. And that’s fine, it’s not for everyone. But that kind of thinking should be looked at from at a different perspective – there’s a richness in the dynamic that might intrigue you from a different outlook.

 

 

Primal Creatures: Looking At The Primal Dynamic

 

primalneed.jpg

One thing that comes up often in a conversation with a reader who is new to the world (and to my blog) is What does it mean to be primal?

It’s a good question because the explanation is so much more than offering up a definition of the word.

 

What IS a Primal?

 Have you ever had a sudden urge to act on impulse, whether that be to run out in the rain, to howl at the moon, masturbate in a risky place, undress in places deemed inappropriate?

Having these raw, unprocessed, unfiltered thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are, can be classified as being primal.

It’s more than unfiltered thought though, it’s a mindset: to take on urges and impulses directly without the fear or shame or masks we wear in society.

To that end, to become primal is to strip yourself of all the barriers you might have built up over the years in place of dealing with society, and to just simply be. As you are. As nature intended you to be. An animal.

In an effort to help describe the sensation, I am going to write now from a purely personal place and keep in mind, everything I experience in subjective.

I have been primal for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory of such an encounter is when I was a teenager, probably 14 or so, and I was running around the bush here (As I grew up in the country side outside of town) completely naked. Why? I have no idea. But in this cases, I would just run, fuelled by this gut feeling, by feeling sensual and alive and animalistic.

I think later in my teen years, after a lengthy storm ravaged the countryside, I ran far beyond the reaches of my home, far from the view of my family, stripped completely naked and laid down in the mud and rubbed my cock and body against the ground to breaking point. I came over the earth, muddy and breathless.

I also masturbated in the toilets at a KFC one time because I was carried away and felt that the situation was incredibly hot. Maybe that carries into the concept of Exhibitionism but that I did it in the first place reminds me of the concept of being primal.

In a relationship, primal takes on a different turn. I recognise the scent of my kitten. Whether it is her arousal or just the scent of her perfume or her body, it relaxes me. It eases my anxiety, it soothes it. As animals, smell is a huge thing to us – it is, after all, what draws us together.

 

ANIMALISTIC DESIRE

 Have you ever felt something so powerful, so rich, that it kickstarts your heart and ramps up the andrenaline within you? It’s a feeling I can best describe as: energetic, intoxicating, you can’t sit still and you certainly can’t fight it. Maybe you’re out of control.

What you are feeling is a massive turn on and is thrilling and yet, you are afraid of it, because you can feel the immense power. You are happy to drown in it because everything around you, your body, your mind, feels on fire. This is what it means to feel animalistic, to feel primal.

If you are feeling this, if you have experienced something similar to my experiences above, you might be more in tune with your primal being than you realise.

 

PRIMAL PLAY

 Pet play, which is a form of roleplay in which the submissive acts as a pet or creature, goes hand in hand with the primal dynamic.

Pet play can see the submissive own the animal within her, while she perform such duties in the role like eating out of her special bowl, adhere to the restrictions of the leash and even vocalise as her creature, which can be sexy.

In other scenes, the dynamic can see the Dominant take on the form of the Predator while the submissive takes on the form of prey. In this scene, whatever the elements agreed upon, it is not unusual to feel possessed, to feel the hunt and for the submissive, it is not uncommon to feel fear for being the prey. Sometimes these situations can go over the boundaries of what is safe and consensual, sometimes that is enjoyed – just be cautious of one’s wellbeing at all times.

 

BECOME ONE WITH YOUR INNER ANIMAL

Though the power is all consuming, intoxicating and electrifying, there is nothing to fear. You are experiencing something not everyone can, or will admit to.

These feelings, however dark or animal they may seem, are natural and to feel them in the first place, to identify and own them, is a testament to the strength of the individual! Because we fear what we don’t understand and we fear what is purely, unapologetically animalistic.

HOMEWORK FOR THE INDIVIDUAL

 

Think of a moment in your lifetime where you might have felt primal. Write it down, come to terms with it. What were the circumstances? Where were you? How did it make you feel? And on a side note, feel free to share it via comments or through email. One or the other.

Confronting Your Inner Anxious Thoughts

I write now to both the Dominant and submissive’s of the world that happen across my blog from where they sit.

Approaching BDSM and discovering this new side of yourself can be daunting. Especially when you look around and see nothing but people who have been learning for years and you’ve got nothing on them. 

The truth is, they’ve all started somewhere and now it’s your time. Don’t focus on their story, focus on what yours is. What interests you? What do you want? What creeps into your mind as you fall asleep at night? What are you really scared of?

If you find yourself here and wondering what to do next with the information you’ve found, I’ll tell you.
The answer is: Find a quiet place, be still and pay attention to what your mind says to you. Resisting is kind of in our system. That fight or flight response? Yeah it’s a pain but it’s part of our make up. Resist it. 

The best advice I can give, just between you and me, is not shy away from what you feel. That leads to anger and pain and sorrow. 
Yes, approaching these topics and finding out your kinks can be terrifying. I know I thought about people finding out, about whether I was a freak or insane, but the truth is that you’re absolutely not. The truth is that people like you are all around. They walk among you.
Do you have a favourite place you like to sit? Go there. A favourite sound? Play it on your phone. If you panic, regulate your breathing till it’s calm. If you feel up to it, research your interests in the lifestyle. It’s how any of us ever learn. You’ll be okay. I promise. 
I used to sit on the outside of this world, wondering where I fit in. There were all these terms, primal, Daddy, – dynamics I couldn’t grasp. And day by day, I just challenged myself. 

I must’ve cancelled my Fet account five times before I decided, you know what, I’m going to try. I’m gunna join a group, post a nude, I’m going to break out of this funk. 
You don’t have to do THAT but what I want you to do is not hide anymore. You have a scary thought? Stare it down. Challenge it’s logic. You owe it to yourself! Because you know what, you’ll overcome that and be all the stronger for it. 
This is who you are. People will accept you and love you for it. You’re here on my blog, I’m telling you this, that’s one out of many examples to come in your journey. Don’t let up.