Some Safety Measures For New Submissive’s

Since I started this blog, one of the most common things I hear or read about from anonymous submissive readers of mine is that they’re in a emotionally abusive relationship with a man who either doesn’t fully understand what it means to take the mantle of dominance, he doesn’t care in the slightest or he’s just being cruel and manipulative.

Today I wanted to write about some safety precautions for the new submissive out there, in the hopes that it open minds and even helps in some regards.

Let’s start with the false dominant. To me, a false dominant is someone who is abusing their status in malicious ways. To some of them, dominance is just a thrill for the moment, something to be discarded with once they find a release.

In a relationship a false dominant might restrict their submissive’s communication to their friends, might demand access to their apps and profile to monitor their activities. They will make decisions for their submissive – in a relationship where that aspect has not been agreed upon by both parties.

These types of dominants can skip straight to sexual talk when you meet them. They usually flash some charm until the shields are lowered and they can tap into what they want, like a mosquito. It’s the thrill, you see. It can be intoxicating to them.

Some might even demand things of you before an agreement has been established between the two parties, ignoring your self or interests for their own.

Sometimes months can pass between communication and the submissive will find herself baring every inch of her body and mind while she is given nothing in return from this person. It’s not equal or fair, it’s purely that everything is in this dominants favour. And it’s disgusting and unhealthy and abusive.

Safe, Sane and Consensual.

The most important concepts a new submissive can reflect on is that, no matter how inferior you feel to a dominant or to yourself, that’s simply not the case. Not only is the dominant or submissive equal in and out of the relationship unless a specific hierarchy is agreed upon before hand, the submissive has the power to choose, to give their body and mind to the dominant.

After all, you are giving control over and they should decide who is worth that control. No one can boss you or give you orders or dominant you until you give consent. If they argue otherwise, they’re just a plain jerk and not worth your time.

When I think of consent and think of negotiating the terms of what that looks like in a relationship, things are…ritualistic for me. Documents are involved, long late-night discussions take place. How consent occurs for me is irrelevant though – the point is that it is a discussion that needs to take place whether you are Fuck buddies or entering into something long term.

Even if it’s an idea you’re not sure of, raise the issue first, don’t let it fall on the back burner otherwise it can create some disturbances later in the relationship. It could fester.

Do some research into what you want to explore, look into the safety of what you want to explore – and know the limits of your mind. If you’re not sure what they are, be sure to state that it for when you reach that point in time so you – and your partner may know. And in doing so, FORMULATE a specific safe word for your limits, soft and hard.

Fantasy / Reality

This is tricky, in the sense that wanting something in a fantastical sense might not be the most realistic option – or the healthiest. I like to write about some dark things – rape among them – but I acknowledge these as a fantasy and not that reflective as me as a person or as a dominant.

Your head and your fantasies can be frightening – alienating and dark and animalistic – but this doesn’t mean you’re disgusting or awful. The difference here is that, of course you’d want these instances to occur, if at all, in a controlled setting or environment.

Understanding that line between fantasy and reality becomes easier the more fantastical thoughts that occur within your head – because you become used to accepting them and dealing with them – and in turn they help you apply this method of critical thinking when it comes to relationships.

You have a say

Just because you’re submissive doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in negotiating or any D/s concepts. You have a voice and I guarantee you that you have worth and your ideas are worth talking out loud and exploring.

Trust me when I say that your own voice will be appreciated by the right dominant. I, personally, love the input of a submissive mind. I want to hear their thoughts on the discussion and when I was negotiating with my own kitten, hearing her offer her own thoughts and fantasies was not only welcomed and a breath of fresh air from thinking in my own head – but it was sexy as well to hear what was lurking deep in her mind.

That’s all from me now – if you have any questions, my email is always open and you are welcome to write any time.

The Master in Me

So here’s the thing about me.

You could say I’ve been in this lifestyle since my experiments with it as a teen, but I really didn’t start to understand the depths to which it was a part of me until my mid 20’s.

Only then, through educating myself through various web pages and through friends across Fetlife, Whisper and Collarspace did I start to understand what I was feeling.

The thing is though, I didn’t learn everything in my mid twenties. Some of it was yet to come later – like the fact that I realised the Daddy dynamic – or that mentoring a student who began to identify as a Slave made me realise my own tendencies as a Master.

A Master.

The Master in me has always been a mystery to me because it’s so far removed from who I am outside of my Sex life. The Daddy side I understand – nurturing people, friends of friends, mentoring newcomers, reading to my kitten – these things come naturally to me. But my Master side is a bit more elusive.

It’s not just because it’s not always a fit for my relationship with my kitten, that I understand. We fulfil each other in a different way.

It’s that it comes out – is triggered, I guess you could say – at random, like I’m possessed by some otherworldly being.

I remember explaining to this student this visceral mindset and their reaction being one of ‘You’re kind of a different person’. A similar reaction occurred with my kitten in an organic way, though our personalities, melding as they often do, seemed to thrive off of each other as totally different people from our softer sides.

Maybe that’s the appeal? The contrast between different lives?

But then again, as I write this – I realise a lot of the M/s style appeals to me – the symbolism and rituals, the exchange of power, the slave training – all of these are things of beauty for me and appeal to me greatly.

Like I said with my relationship with Sadism, I haven’t fully understood what this all means for me but it’s an entity that takes up rent in my head and is along for the ride.

And as always, I’m eager to hear from both sides of the coin, the Master/Mistress and Slaves-mindset, new to it or otherwise, that are out there and lurking. If you care to, please feel free to share some of your own experiences with your journey so far – either in the comments or at email!

Frequently Asked Questions About A Mentor & Mentoring

What exactly IS a BDSM Mentor?

A Mentor can either be a Dominant or submissive who has been in the lifestyle for quite some time. Their role is to act like a friend first and a guidance counsellor second, listening to the pupil / student, answering any questions they have and recommending valuable resources that pertain to their interests. The period of time that they help the individual depends solely on the individual themselves.

I will note that Trust is very, very important to build and to have between the individual and the Mentor, for there can be types out there that use Mentoring as a guise to prey on those who really don’t know BDSM and it’s intricate dynamics and can end up falling victim to this.

Remember – watch for red flags, take your time and do not be rushed. Make sure their agenda lines up with your own, that your well-being is in their best interests. If it’s a Mentor you’re looking for, ask yourself this – could you get along with this person outside of BDSM talk?

Is a Mentor a sexual or romantic role?

No, absolutely not. While the topics discussed may be sexual in nature, I feel the Mentor’s role is to instruct and to guide and discuss.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant mentor?

This one depends entirely on the individual. Some would feel they benefit more from someone in the same dynamic, while others feel someone in the opposite dynamic could shed a light on unforeseen ground. That comes down to personal taste.

There is the argument that the individual would benefit learning from the community as a whole. I mean, I did that myself, spending my own time reading and learning, so I can’t argue against that – Why would I? But on the other hand, a newbie learning one-on-one with a mentor gives him or her the chance to discuss topics without other minds expressing themselves and potentially leading to confusion or overwhelming the individual.

Again, it’s really a matter of preference and what’s more comfortable for the individual.

What exactly do YOU do as a Mentor?

I like to just be a friend and listen, first and foremost. I think that’s the most important thing, to be there.

In the past, I would encourage sending an email to my blog address, and if they felt comfortable doing so after befriending one another, to talk on a platform of Instant Messaging, for any direct line.

I say ‘in the past’ because I’ve stopped being as active in offering help presently – purely because I don’t want to annoy. And I don’t want to cross any boundaries if the individual is married or in a relationship. I don’t want to interfere or influence, merely help on the individuals terms.

But beyond that, I offer advice, I suggest activities such as meditation and journaling as a way of self-healing. I have had one individual ask me for help in getting them motivated in their daily life – small self-help and healthy living things like that.

I answer questions best I can, quell anxieties about their own ideas / feelings, squash misconceptions, offer activities I used for my own anxieties and journey. And be a back up, go-to friendly ear.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

I’ve mostly had positive experiences in Mentoring and have even made a couple of good friends that have kept in touch and update me about their lives and their relationships and their own progress. This is the most rewarding thing I feel – knowing, in some way, maybe small, maybe more then that, that I’ve helped somehow.

I have had a negative experience too, last year. I came into contact with one person who only wanted to argue bitterly and he saw me as a focus point for that anger. I tried to get to the bottom of that anger but in the end, I had to cut contact. And being the sensitive person I am, that shook me quite a bit.

How does your lady / kitten feel about you Mentoring?

Before I started offering to help to anyone on the blog, I told her exactly what it was and what I hoped to do and why it was that I felt compelled to do so. I received her loving support. And If she was uncomfortable with any of it, I wouldn’t do it at all.

It can be a daunting thing, to journey into the world of BDSM. You may be worried you’ll fall into the pond when you just want to dip your toe. Just know you’re not alone in the journey – there are resources there within your reach. There are communities there full of the loveliest people that will help you as kindly as they helped me.

When it comes to seeking help, measure your options. Find what works best for you. Take your time on deciding if you want to work one on one or with the community – and most of all, be safe!

If you have any further questions, let me know and I can add this to the list – and if you ever need individual help, I’m always a message away! Good luck.

What Is The D/s Dynamic?

It’s easy for me to use the term ‘D/s relationship / dynamic’ in my blog, because it’s something I’ve actively sort out and taught myself about. But for beginners, for people new to the lifestyle, there’s some confusion about what exactly it entails in a day-to-day relationships.

With this post, I aim to clear the air surrounding the terminology, dispel any miscommunication about its meaning and discuss what this means for both parties involved in the dynamic.

The D/s Dynamic

The D/s dynamic is an alternative style of relationship involving two consenting people who fall into either the category of a Dominant or submissive.

Though the D/s dynamic can involve sex and the joys of BDSM, it can be entirely non-sexual. There is a deep psychological component there between a Dominant and a submissive and this may led to the establishment of daily tasks, protocol, speech patterns and more that fulfils both parties.

The foundation for a healthy D/s relationship is, of course Trust. Trust in each other, to be open, to make mistakes, to learn from each other, without feeling worry or strange or anything of the sort. It is the number one key factor in this lovely exchange. Without it, things may fall apart.

Protocol?

Protocol is established early on in the relationship, when the Dominant and submissive figure out together what each of them want from this partnership. Aspects like what does the Dominant want? and more importantly what does the submissive want? Are established and from there, discipline and any tasks important to the individual come about to be carried out at established times. Protocol can be used to establish daily and nightly routine, forming the basis of structure in the relationship.

And What’s This About Speech Patterns?

The speech pattern of both the Dominant and the submissive are tailored specifically to their tastes. It can be cute and whimsical or more disciplined but whatever the case, it is a design implemented primarily for control and ownership. Have fun with names! Be creative.

Daily Tasks

What will fulfil you as a Dominant? What will fulfil you as a submissive? Things you need in your relationship will come to mind when you establish the limits and boundaries within your relationship. Remember to discuss everything thoroughly – and SUBMISSIVE PEOPLE, SPEAK UP. This is about your needs as much as it is your partners, you dig? Push the envelope, explore what calls your heart, and be experimental.

Dominance

What new Dominants need to consider is that Dominance isn’t about inflicting pain or dishing out humiliation and stern punishment. It’s so much bigger than all of that. It’s about the Dominant coming to the understanding that they are in charge of the well-being of the submissive and as such, a punishment’s role is to curb a negative behaviour in the submissive.

Remember, as exciting as tasks and BDSM can be, you are the guardian of your submissive. Nurture them, be patient with them, and do not be afraid to learn from their own needs. Always be attentive to the needs, as well as your own.

I will say this to any newcomer Dominant – be especially attentive to how vocal your submissive is in his or her needs. Not every submissive can be outspoken in his or her beliefs or interests. There is, I feel, a great number of us that struggle with speaking up and of being heard.

It’s a tricky thing to grasp, in that you might not want to pester your submissive, but always be attentive and patient in creating an always safe and secure space for them to feel they can be themselves.

Submission

 I say this to every newcomer to the lifestyle that identifies as submissive – submission does not mean you automatically become a plaything for a Dominant. The submissive has the right to hand that power over.

A submissive deserves to be treated gently and with kindness. They may be ferocious outside of the dynamic, but within the dynamic, there is a soulful softness there that the Dominant needs to respect.

Over all, the submissive has a larger hand in the dynamic, for they give the power – and furthermore, consult with the Dominant on what actions may or may not take place in this established universe of theirs.

Established Boundaries

 When undertaking this relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. Discuss amongst each other what you fancy and don’t fancy. Be very thorough about the guidelines because any miscommunication may cause tear in the relationship, leading to negative habits forming down the line.

Communication is paramount. The Dominant must feel secure enough to talk about their desires without feeling inexperienced while the submissive must feel able to talk openly about any inner feelings at ease.

A ‘safe word’ should be thoroughly discussed and understood. It means stop, either to clarify in the moment or because the submissive is uncomfortable or in pain, either psychologically or physically. The word must cause the action to stop completely, so both parties can discuss how to move forward.

And Now, A Personal Example…

 At the beginning of my relationship with my kitten, my first fully fledged D/s relationship, I was a rough Dominant, in the sense that I was still learning how to talk and communicate.

I made the unfortunate mistake of punishing her, when she did something wrong, for things we didn’t communicate upon establishing our BDSM contract. I.E – I BROKE THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE OPENLY.

 Because you know what that lead to, my foolish mistake? My best friend, my baby girl, being scared of herself, of making an error. Of me. Isn’t that heartbreaking? I still feel like shit for it.

Luckily, I learnt from my mistake. Our dynamic is healthier for it. And if I am ever out of line, either grumpy or what have you, I can trust she will stick it to me and snap me out of a funk. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that yet.

So learn from my mistakes. Communicate each and every day. Because you know what? At the end of the day, this is a companionship. This is friendship on fire, this is your best friend. Own her, guide her, but treat her with love and respect.

 

Food For Thought..er…Sunday?

I’ve just stumbled across a nifty little idea – Food for Thought Friday – and I thought I’d try my hand at it, since some of you enjoyed my 50 facts… post.

But what’s a guy to do when it’s Sunday in Australia, not Friday? Answer questions from the past three F4TF blog! Which, by the way, you can find here.

So let’s get into it!

If you take risqué photographs, what is it that you enjoy most? The creativity, the composition, the feedback you get from those who see them?

I used to be more risqué with my photos. I did some on Fetlife when I first signed up, to combat my own anxieties and self confidence, so if anything, they were for creativity. Something to express for myself.

The same goes if I’m sending them to my lady – which doesn’t happen as much because I’ve startled her one too many times while being super busy! It’s a creative expression that I want to share with her specifically, but I do love her reactions 😀

If you participate in any of the memes above, what made you decide to take part? How did you feel the first time you linked a post for others to see?

I don’t post nudes of myself on my blog here. But I guess, for anyone on my Fetlife, I don’t necessarily mind you know? Like, I’m doing it for my own confidence. I can’t worry about anyone’s feelings other than my own or how my lady feels about that particular photo. And in that sense, being open about said nudity is just one of the ways I keep challenging myself to be and to feel Open.

How comfortable are you sharing semi-nude/nude/sexually explicit photos of yourself, either online or via a “sext”?

I wouldn’t say very comfortable at all, but I like to keep positive. Again, to challenge myself. If it’s up there, It means I’m giving the middle finger to any lingering doubt.

Share the details of a particularly memorable “first” – what was it that made it so memorable for you?

Oh gosh! Just thinking about this makes my tummy flip. I remember being floored at just how transformative my lady was, in the beginning. Keep in mind, we were newbies together, though I had a little more experience than her, had done years of soul searching before, as she had done on her own. But before we reconnected, she was wondering what this meant and that meant. And so the submissive was inside her already. And I was the first to train her on the ways. She was, in many ways, my first student.

But listen to me, I’m rambling. When I say she transformed – she’s not meek in any sense. She’s an extrovert where I’m an introvert. However she’s extremely shy as well when it comes to explicit natures. So when we first interacted, when I choked her for the first time and she hissed like a women possessed — ‘is that all you’ve got?’ – Fuck me, man, If that wasn’t magic I experienced. Seeing that transformation and then reacting to it, kinda like in how werewolves transform, I could feel my my bones shifting, tensing, with my own transformation. It was divine.

How do you employ your senses to enhance your enjoyment of sex?

There’s a lot of touching, of exploring pleasure and pain in a touch. I like the contrast. But something I feel heightens the encounter is looking into each other’s eyes as we play. I feel that’s intensely personal.

Communication is Key: A Look into New D/s Relationships

I want to talk about the welfare of a submissive, from the point of view of a Dominant, because it’s something that, in my excitement as a youngin’ – or young Dominant, if you will, I missed because I was foolhardy.

Not only is it important to communicate openly, when getting to know one another, but it is also important to maintain that deep level of communication consistently along the way.

I made the mistake there, I got lost initially in my own interest or desire, without thinking of the classic concept of cause and effect and how my interests may impact my lady, my submissive, down the road.

It’s easy to type the sentence – be thorough – but it’s another thing entirely to do out loud, in person with one another. And it’s even trickier to talk about because each dynamic is different and what works and didn’t work for me might be different for the next couple.

Regardless, listen to your partner. Be attentive. But more importantly, be open. Not to his or her own interests but any ideas they may have to put onto the label table you two may eventually play on.

You could even set a time, each week say, to talk openly. Get away from the TV, the phones, the distractions – and just chat. One of my favourite things to do personally is lie down beside my lady in a darkened room and talk to her. Without gazing at a screen, miniscule or massive, the conversation tree-lines open up. There’s an intimacy there, an openness that lets us operate. It’s rather beautiful, you know? But that’s me.

It’s always important to touch base – ask each other how things are in the D/s dynamic. Is there room for improvement? Are you both satisfied? Is there any new things you want to try? Is there anything wrong with how things have been currently operating? Get thorough.

 

A Newborn Submissive

 

First and foremost, I want to address any new or curious submissive currently reading out there – but that being said, this can apply to Dominants with new submissive partners.

The first thing I will say is to be patient. Mistakes are going to be made. Dominants, do not rush in with punishing, however sexy the concept seems, but submissives, do not – I repeat – DO NOT – beat yourself up. You may feel like a loser that you made a mistake, it may feel like your life as a submissive has ended before it began – but lift that chin up, mister / miss. We’re human. We make mistakes. And guess what? Doms make mistakes as well, and trust me, we feel just as stupid when it occurs to.

So patience is the number one biggest thing to remember with new submissive partners. After all, they are learning. Guide them, teach them, be kind to them and put aside your self for the moment to shield them in your training together.

For me, I like to deconstruct every bit of information with a new submissive. There are so many classifications to fall into now that, in the beginning, it can get confusing as to where you really stand. Deconstructing terms together can prove useful, even helpful. You could even make it something special – perhaps a nude cuddle together in a low lit warm space? Something safe and guarded – a moment free of judgement.

Encouraging the identity and individuality of your submissive is paramount, as it is for a submissive to follow their hearts and realise their inner strength when navigating the world of BDSM on their own. It can be overwhelming with so many titles and behaviours of roles cris-crossing that it can be hard to identify just who you are. Remember to listen to your impulses and keep in mind that you have every right to customise dynamics and the like to your taste.

Keeping a dialogue open so that concepts can be explored or encouraged, if confidence needs boosting, is always a lovely idea. A healthy and safe environment is a beautiful thing.

I am going to stop here before I write a larger essay. I hope this sheds some light. If not, I hope I can clear some things up for anyone. Be safe and be kind!

 

Regarding Personal Emails

I wanted to touch base quickly, before launching into another post, about emailing me. I answer every and any email, I always will. Sometimes it launches a lovely little chain in which two strangers swap stories and share a laugh, sometimes resources and advice is exchanged, sometimes I cannot help and apologise profusely.

 

On rare occasions, I forget to reply. This could be a number of reasons – I subscribe to a bunch of talented individuals and miss the personal name in amongst the others, other times I genuinely think I’ve replied when it’s just a daydream – which is as baffling as Déjà vu – and sometimes I go through anxious periods where I can’t talk or write. It sounds selfish, but I just can’t find it in me to write. This is a common thing with me, I find. The shows I love have no meaning, my favourite past times become unthinkable. That’s anxiety.

 

However.

 

If I’ve missed your email, or have not responded, do not – I repeat – DO NOT – EVER think that it’s a conscious decision on my behalf. If I haven’t replied in under a week, stick it to me. Don’t let me get away with it.

 

I know, I know – chasing someone up is uncomfortable, you start to wonder – do they care enough? Maybe I’m being a pest? Maybe they’re too busy? Worst case scenario – they’re an awful human being. You don’t have to chase me up, because it’s my responsibility as I’ve offered to communicate in the first place, but I wanted to reassure anyone that no, I am rarely too busy to reply, I wouldn’t offer if I was worried about pests and I definitely care about helping anyone where I possibly can.

 

I wanted to write this because I replied to an old email from a reader just now and I had wondered, as I often do, if there was an individual out there that had wondered whether or not it was okay to approach me personally still or if it was okay to ‘spam’ email me.

 

It’s perfectly fine to do both, should you feel the need. I welcome an open dialogue, be it questions about the lifestyle, about personal issues, about how I write – anything.

To those I’ve replied to in a late manner, I apologise from the bottom of my heart. I certainly hope it hasn’t discouraged you from speaking up in future, either again to me or otherwise.

– TD&D