What Is A BDSM Mentor?

 

‘What is a BDSM Mentor?’ Is a question people who write in to me sometimes ask.
‘Are they together? Is it a romantic or sexual thing?’ is another question I get – and today, I’d like to cover precisely what a BDSM Mentor is and does, just to quell any confusion.

What is a BDSM Mentor?

First and foremost, a mentor is someone that has had plentiful experience in the lifestyle and whose desire is to guide their student in various ways such as answering questions, helping with any struggles and introducing them to tools that can help their development.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant Mentor?

This is entirely subjective. I personally think anyone can guide and instruct, provided they have the will and mind and desire for it.

That being said, there are, of course, insights each person in the dynamic could provide you. Things that might tap into how one might feel.

And with that mind, the same could be said for a submissive talking with a Dominant mentor or a Dominant talking with a submissive Mentor.

It comes down to personal taste and preference. Not to mention who you feel more comfortable taking to, man or woman.

Is a BDSM Mentor a romantic and / or sexual thing?

No, it is entirely platonic. Of course the topic will be based in the sexual nature of things, but the Mentor’s role is to instruct, not to claim and desire. It should never cross that line.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

It usually begins by conversing via email and if thoughts require an immediacy, I give the option of my own personal kik, which will reach me in the moment.

However the pupil in question wants to interact, the key thing that I want to do is listen.

Helping others iron out any mental wrinkles has been my number one goal since I started this blog back in 2015 so my first order of business is to listen, then counsel and instruct.

I’m happy to explain dynamics, the meaning of BDSM terms and to offer a bibliography of certain books I have found useful in my own journey.

Some people write in terribly anxious and nervous and don’t know what to say. And to those people, I do my best to create a safe and calm environment where they might be able to alleviate any anxiety.

On occasion, I have given exercises that might useful to a situation, such as helping one person get to a gym of a day or help to counter-act negative body image.

Mentors and Friendship

It’s important to develop a friendship and deep trust with your mentor. I cannot stress that enough.

There’s no point asking after a mentor just because – because first and foremost, you need a solid foundation with this person. And to that end, think about what you want in a friend – are they easy to get along with, do you guys make each other laugh? Do you have common interests?

When you know, you’ll know.

But can’t I just learn from the BDSM Community in general? Y’know, like Fetlife?

I suppose you can. I certainly did. I had no mentor, which is probably why I like to offer it so much – because I don’t want anyone to feel alone.

Personally, sometimes the overload of information can be stressful. Which can lead to a trigger effect in which you start to crumble every time you come back to the pool to soak your skin.

I felt that many times in my life and it drove me away many times. If you prefer seeking information from the community rather then one person, persevere. You’ll be all the stronger for it.

That being said, a one-on-one interaction is a special thing. An intimate thing. Though it has the ability to overstimulate with information, perhaps the mentor can back off and drip feed accordingly.

Again, it’s subjective. Find what works for you.

I really hope this helps clear a few things up for anyone interested in mentoring or in finding a mentor.

Remember to be safe and sure and good luck in your travels.
For any questions regarding mentoring or finding a mentor, I’m always a message away.

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The Art of Choking

I was worried ‘the art of choking’ sounds pompous but it felt right. There’s an art to many things – shaving, cooking, even getting dressed.

And considering how my last post on choking was in the infant stages of my blog, back in 2015, I wanted to write something more refined on it as we speed towards the end of 2017.

The trick with choking is that it’s all in the control. It should go without saying you don’t want to crush that beautiful throat like a can, it’s about applying pressure.

For me, applying pressure is like a slow build of tension. Things start off gentle but the more it goes on, the more the pressure escalates to a point.

I say ‘to a point’ because, well, everyone will have a different threshold of how they like it, that’s the nature of the beast.

Kitten and I, we like things a little tougher, a little rougher. So I know where the line is when my hand is around her sweet pale throat.

If you’re worried about where the line is for you, if you’re new to choking and you want to try it out, experiment with pressure. Don’t go in like you’re The Terminator – be gentle.

The best thing is that you can set a whole play session to exploring what works and what doesn’t.

Ask your submissive if you’re unsure. Don’t be embarrassed to learn, that can be how you grow together. And that’s half the fun!

I used to be hesitant about it myself. In the moment, I could go primal and lose myself. This was back when I was finding a balance.

My lovely lady helped me find my way. Reassured me what was okay, that it was fine to tighten my hand around her neck. We were in sync in this regard.

It took a good few months to be okay with this. I’m a sensitive soul after all. When she’d start to struggle to breath, I’d panic. And she’d smile, gently telling me it’s okay, then later pleading with me not to stop.

So in the end, it’s not about how hard you can choke, it’s about pressure and how gently you can increase or decrease in a safe manner.

Don’t be afraid to experiment, so long as you’re gentle and safe about it!

An Open Letter To Those Curious About The Lifestyle With Uninterested Partners…

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During my time maintaining this blog and befriending you kind souls, there has been a recurring theme that runs as an undercurrent to some of the lives that pass me by. And today I wanted to talk a bit about that.

The recurring element I’m speaking about is guilt and today I wanted to write for those with boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives that aren’t remotely interested in anything BDSM related.

Maybe you’ve run it by your partner once and they’ve scoffed, maybe it’s been a few times. Maybe it’s been years since you’ve mentioned it, they’ve scoffed and you’ve been struggling with this emptiness, this desire to know but guilt for feeling so, since that point in time.

Here’s the thing though – you have absolutely no reason to feel guilt. Absolutely no reason. And here’s why.

As physical as the BDSM lifestyle is, as wondrous as it can be with another partner, the meat of it is educating yourself, to research by yourself – to grow within yourself.

There’s no shame in, say reading blogs or interacting with other people. You know your boundaries, you’re an adult. Your mind, of course, will tell you differently. You’ll start to feel shame, like you’re going behind your partner’s back – but there’s no reason to feel any of those things. You are in a relationship for yourself. This growth is for yourself.

To be clear, I’m not saying you should hide things from your partner, not at all. If things progress to that state where you have to hide, I would consider sitting down with them and communicating how you feel.

No, what I’m saying is: Do not let the rejection set you back or cause shame or anxiety.

And what of your mind and its delightfully delirious fantasies, you may ask me. To this, I’ll ask you: What of them?

These feelings could be heightened by your partner’s lack of interest. They can be potent. But there is no shame in them.

Think of your desires as a piece of your soul buried and you’re the archaeologist unearthing them. It’s a slow process but you’re learning more about yourself, things you might never even have realised.

I know it is hard to not run from the darkest of desires, even when or if your partner is turning his or her nose up at the prospect. But this is who you are and I promise you there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling, with what you are wanting.

And should there come a time where you wake in the dead of the night, anxiety flaring, repeat to yourself that this is okay, that there is no shame. Because the more you fight it, the stronger your desires will come. And take it from someone who was repressed a good part of his twenties – that is not healthy.

If you find yourself unable to shake the anxieties in the night still, always feel free to write to my email in an unfiltered post, just to let any negative energy pour from yourself. I am always here.

Lastly, it needs to be said – sometimes relationships such as these do not work out. And it’s a heartbreaking terrible shame but it does occur.

Does this mean it won’t work out for you? I cannot possibly say. Some quell the mind of their partners, while others simply find that they are incompatible.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen both instances occur. I, myself, have been in a circumstance where my partner of many years was simply not interested and it led her to the arms of another man secretly.

To those who find things are incompatible, I will say this: You are strong, and you have time. It may not feel like things will become better, or that you could possibly repair yourself. But step by step, day by day, agonising hour by agonising hour – you can rebuild. You may not be the same again. But things will get better.

Do not despair. Hope is never lost.

TD&D

Define Yourself

When I was younger – let’s say, 20-21, which feels like a lifetime ago – I often wondered where my place was when it came to the different dynamics of Dominance. 

The more I studied myself and the more I interacted with people, the more I could see I had a hand in different pies. I had the traits of a Daddy, a sadistic side that could fit in with a Master-type – and yet above all that, I had my own sensibilities. Vanilla sensibilities. 

In the past there have been people that have told me outright I was Dominant. Because I didn’t follow their own specifications. I’ve just recently been labeled a false Dominant because of my age. How could I possibly know what I want at my age, right? 

I don’t let this kind of thing get to me. I have been to the deepest darkest part of my mind and peeled behind the curtain. I’ve felt what it means to starve the darkness within me. I’ve wanted to do cruel and unspeakable things to the man that hit on my kitten at a venue a month ago or so now. And I’ve felt the freedom of being a primal, the rush of feeling like this is where I want to be – this spot right here.

We should not judge each other. Ever. We should practice kindness. Openness. We should remember that people grow and learn and become the same as we are in different ways. After all, we are in this together. 

I’ve spent my twenties putting names to my deepest feelings and desires. I’ve spent those years determining if things were a phase – or what thing works for me. 

To the individual – I’ll say this: Follow your heart. It will tell you what is right, what is wrong and what has always been true. No one can take that away from you, for they are fools if they try.

The Psychology behind these dynamics are multidimensional and unique to each person. Find what makes your heart soar. You will know when you feel elated, like you’re in the midst of an epiphany.

Dear Teenagers Nervous About BDSM…

When you’re a teenager and you’re navigating your sexuality, it can feel like the scariest thing in the world.

Who can you talk to? How do you learn? Can you talk to adults on the web or will they think you’re silly and turn you away like the others have? Worst case scenario: Will they abuse your trust and attempt to flirt with you?

It wasn’t easy in the age of no internet and it certainly isn’t easy now even with all this information at your fingertips ready to be absorbed.

As a perverted teenager into BDSM, I found my way by falling a lot. And often stood in circles listening to others laugh or frown at the very idea of BDSM and other such kink related things.

If things are overwhelming you, if you feel like you’re trapped and cannot talk to anyone without feeling ashamed or – worse – invalid – then I’ve got a few concepts for you to consider:

You’re Not Alone

Your sexual thoughts, your desires, and your questions do not – I repeat – DO NOT make you – silly, stupid, invalid, wrong, a freak, disgusting – any of those things.

I guarantee you that whatever you’re feeling or thinking or even fantasising about, someone has experienced that before. That’s not to say you aren’t unique – because each of us ARE – rather it means the kink you think is rare or weird isn’t as rare or weird as you think.

I used to feel the same way. I mean, I was a teen with a brother-sister incest fantasy. And you know what? That led me to other people who felt as weird as I did.

The weird thing about the universe is that it leads you to certain people. They’ll be drawn to you and vice versa. Something to consider when the going gets tough.

 

Journal Your Thoughts, Fears and Dreams

What do you fantasise about? What do you want to explore? What keeps you up at night? Write it down.

When it comes to you, your mind and the page, you’d be surprised where your mind goes and what you write down.

I used to keep a journal of all my feelings – and that damned thing survived three relationships and a fuck tonne of moping.

More than this, you might find yourself discovering new things about the way your mind works.

You learn to analyse in a way, and in doing so you find yourself coming back to a moment that can help define whatever it is you are seeking or whatever you are exploring.

So long as you are truthful with yourself, you can go as deep into your psyche as you want to learn about your ticks.

 

The Only Silly Question Is The One Not Asked

I used to hate asking questions. Why? Because I felt like a total idiot. I felt like a bother. And I always felt like the person I was asking didn’t feel like they should have to explain it – and that’s partly on me and my anxieties and partly on the personality of the individual.

IF you come across a person who seems annoyed or aggressive because of you asking questions, chances are they’re not the person you should be asking. So don’t take that as a reflection of you, some people just don’t want that job of answering questions. That’s on them. NOT on you.

My advice to teenagers is this: Find your voice, gather your words, and practice speaking openly. No question is too wild or dumb, because that is how you learn. So one day you might help someone else in need.

I suffered low self esteem. I hated my voice. I mumbled and was quiet. I screwed up words constantly. I had to discipline myself to be okay with asking questions – to speak up. And if a lowly person such as myself can do it, you can do it too!

 

Challenge Your Mind Constantly

Push your boundaries. Be open to new experiences, new sights, new sounds.

Do you struggle with body issues? Try being nude more, just doing small everyday things like cleaning your room, listening to music. Become use to your body. Love who you are. Is there a kink you don’t like? Why? Define your answers, explore your reasoning. Is there an act that makes you uncomfortable? What is it? Why does it affect you so?

Lastly: Do not be afraid of your inner darkness. Some people, when they are confronted with their true selves, run away screaming.

But you can only run so far before you form a circle and end up face to face with your primal side, if such a thing lays dormant within you.

If it does, remember this: You’ve survived it before, you can do it again.

 

Talk To Someone If You Need To

Absolutely this. If there’s a recurring worry, if there’s a nightmare that’s woken you up, if you have a general question, consider talking to your closest friend. Consider writing to a blog writer or forum. There are many avenues you can choose to find help, it is never too late and there is never a limit to how many questions you can ask. If things are overwhelming, never ever hesitate – I cannot stress this enough.

On top of that, you can always feel free to email me if you have something to say, need advice, have a question, just need to write after a bad dream – anything.

My contact is in the ABOUT ME section of the blog.

It may feel like things are overwhelming, like there is too much information out there.

If you’re a teenager and you feel cornered and alone and just need advice, you’re not alone. I’m here to talk to, night or day. If you write in, no matter how jumbled you may feel your words will be, I’ll write back. I promise.

And if you ever feel you can’t possibly learn all these new things, remember – baby steps. One day at a time. In time, you’ll learn all you want to know.

If I can do it, you can.

 

 

 

 

One For The Newbies: Some Tips For Beginners

Taking the first step to wanting to try any form of BDSM is intense. It’s scary, thrilling and overwhelming. Where do you start? What’s a primal? How do you navigate in a world so full of differences? It’s terrifying. 
‘Where do I start?’ Is a question that I get asked a lot – and it’s a difficult one, because everyone has a path set out for them and every path is different. 
Here’s some tips I have compiled for any newbie passing by. 
Research

Read everything you can find. Novels, self-help books, blogs, tumblr, websites. Self-help books are immensely useful, it’s what I used for my kitty’s training. It’s what I read when first starting out as well.
Blogs are useful tools because they are personal. They get right to the heart. And that’s something priceless and beautiful and valuable for someone coming to the lifestyle because you can learn. 
And it might make you feel less alone. 
Watching porn can be a useful starting point as well. If only because it might gauge how you feel towards a certain act, in a really visceral way. From a male’s perspective, it helped me identify my own interests because I started to realise that ‘hey, this really does turn me on’ – again, it’s a minor thing but it helped so maybe it might help you.

Fetlife

Fetlife is alienating and terrifying when first approaching, but it’s really rather handy for identifying local get togethers, convention and just finding a useful person as well. 
If you can break through any barriers you may have, I would say look into it. Give it a trial period and see how you go. You might surprise yourself or it might not be for you, you never know how you go until you try. 

Dip Into The Pool Slowly

Time’s a funny thing. You feel like you can’t get enough of it.
No one is going to be judging you if you take your time with learning. A Dominant shouldn’t harass a submissive for wanting to take things slow and a submissive shouldn’t force a Dominant into making snap decisions (But two examples out of many)

There is a lot to consider about BDSM – safe word’s, the length of a scene, the contract itself, tastes and distastes. And you know what? People grow differently. At different times. And you, my friend, have all the time in the world. 
You might even think ‘Well, Mr. Dark and Dominant, you don’t know my age’ – I don’t care if you’re 16, 40 or 80, you have time to learn and to go your own pace. And don’t ever let anyone judge you for it. 

Learning The Truth Is A Long And Personal Process

Reading, social media – they may be useful for you identifying key kinks – but at the end of the day, what’s really important is personal growth.
Grab a journal, a pen and sit down. Underline exactly what it is you want out of this journey. Draw a list of pro’s and cons. Make a list of any things you want to work on – body image, esteem, finding a partner, being comfortable in your own skin.

The biggest battle for me was accepting that my whole life was about to change. Looking back, it wasn’t as dramatic a change as I thought, but it was one a life altering one and that was scary and different and hard for me at first. 
You can do anything, you just have to practice until you are a god/goddess at it. That will come with time.

The Misconception Of The Daddy Dom & little girl.

Whenever I mention the dynamic of a Daddy Dom and a little girl to a newcomer who is asking me about where they fit into the lifestyle, I can often sense their awkwardness and hesitation.

Mostly it comes up if I sense this man has some Daddy traits in him, or whether the woman is a bit of a baby girl. To me, that kind of comes out. I just have this weird gut feeling.

The thing that usually comes up first is: Is it an incestuous thing?

 The answer is no. While it sure is named Daddy / little girl, it really is just a symbol of the type of relationship a couple has.

The man adopts a Daddy-like persona. The best way I can describe this, from personal experiences, is that it’s a deep, maybe even a deep rooted desire to nurture, much like a Dad would to a child.

While incest can certainly be part of the roleplay, and this really depends on couple’s preferences, The dynamic is really about these deep sensations and characteristics coming out in the person themselves.

Of course a Daddy needs that stabilisation – and this bring us to the little girl.
While you’re better off asking a female about the inner workings of her mind here, I will explain from a male’s perspective for some balance here.

Let’s start with a story. It’ll be quick, I promise.

I was laying in bed one night awake when kitten got up to go to the toilet. When she came back, she grumbled some incoherently, probably still foggy with sleep.
What’s wrong, I asked her. And I roll over to look.
She’s searching the bed for her toy kangaroo, which she sleeps with and which probably knocked away when getting out of bed. The toy kangaroo I gave to her as a gift because it was mine when I was 2 years old.

The little girl is the innocence still floating around in that mind of yours. It’s a mindset to be child-like, as if being possessed by your younger self. It’s the best way I can describe it. Which, I know, it’s shit. But this is what I see in my kitten, who likes me to read to her before bed, who snuggles my childhood toy, who likes to colour for me.

It’s these little aspects that compliment my Daddy, who needs that sort of child-like quality to fulfil the ever-hungry desire to nurture and grow.

Let me tell another story.

One of kitten’s friends from school posted something on Facebook and — I couldn’t help myself. As the creep I am, I messaged this person I’ve met twice and asked her if everything was okay, because I just had this sense that something wasn’t.

I was right, and I won’t let that go to my head, and we talked about what upset her. I told her it was okay, that if she ever needed to chat, I was here.

I mean, all the while my brain is like:

Fool you sound like a creep leave her alone you weirdo

But I was driven by this desire to reassure. Was I misguided? I mean, maybe? She probably won’t take me up on the offer, though I still hold hope just to prove my inbuilt negativity wrong, but the point was that the Daddy came out in me. I wanted to shield and protect, as if this friend was my own daughter. And that’s weird as fuck but, I don’t know. It’s just what it is.
I mean, she thanked me in the end, told me I was amazing – but he point is, I was doing it to nurture.

Tangent aside, that’s what the mindset is like for me. It’s why I identify as a Daddy Dom, or a Dom with Daddy traits.

Some people aren’t into the dynamic, because they think of their parents. There’s a hurdle to jump over that they’re not sure about. And that’s fine, it’s not for everyone. But that kind of thinking should be looked at from at a different perspective – there’s a richness in the dynamic that might intrigue you from a different outlook.