The Many Ways In Which You Can Assert Dominance

Whether you’re new to being a dominant, or you’d like to try OR maybe you’ve hit a brick wall and a dry spell, regardless – there’s a few different and exciting concepts you can tackle to see if they work for you (and perhaps your partner in crime!) personally!

Dominance can be split up between the psychological and the physical. The psychological can relate to tasks such as writing essays, using body language and implementing concepts in which the dominant’s presence can linger within the mind of the submissive. The physical can relate to bondage, spanking, impact play, hands on bodies – the list can go on and on to really creative ways.

Something to consider here is what comes naturally to you as a Dominant. Get to know yourself, your limits and your tastes. Understand what it is you’d like to explore, what it is that drives you as a Dominant. What are some concepts that speak to you? What excites and stimulates your mind? What triggers that side to come out? Personally, I find that when confronted with a concept in BDSM, I slip naturally into the dynamic. I can feel that energy surging within me. It’s there.

As a counterpoint though, sometimes my anxiety creates interference with the broadcast and I can’t think or feel properly. If you’re like me, and you don’t know how to proceed, take a deep breath and think about using your voice, your body language.

A most important aspect to consider is your submissive. What are their interests? What would they like to explore? What works for them that will also work for you? Together, have a think about the concepts you’d like to touch on together, about the dynamic you’d like to have.

When it comes to matters of the psychological, I like to think about the ways in which I can leave a small piece of myself with her – to remind her of my ownership, of my presence with her to protect of her, of my love.

Concepts like dressing her, setting tasks like having her express a mantra each meal of the day, have her kneel before our bed and ask if she can share it with me, having her sleep naked, setting writing tasks like small essays, journaling or writing short erotic stories about what she enjoys.

Think about ways in which you can torment the mind of your submissive, to tease and taunt – but keep in mind at all times to be fair and within a safe environment. Remember to put your submissive first.

When it comes to matters of the physical, consider activities such as rope play, collaring, restraints and ball gags. Extend that line to thinking about ways in which the two of you can explore the environment together.

Keep in mind that this is my own D/s dynamic – everyone is different and has different needs and desires. Maybe this will work for you both and maybe it won’t.

Remember to be open and communicate with one another about your own needs – listen to one another.

On top of that, being dominant isn’t just a lush fantasy, it isn’t cause to be a dick and get your own way. It’s about being mindful of the vulnerability of another soul, it’s about exploring and harnessing the darkness within each other. It’s about knowing yourself and knowing when to be gentle and aggressive.

You’ve got this, just don’t doubt yourself.

Ask Me Anything! September Edition

Hi! I didn’t do an August AMA so this is a bigger one for September.

I noticed there’s a surge in visitations from Germany and Sweden – come say hello! Everyone is welcome here.

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Who “teaches”? Take, for example, the submissive is more experienced than the dominant. Can the sub teach from the bottom?  Should the dom look to other doms? Perhaps finding a mentor or start at the bottom?

I believe all three – Dominant, submissive and Mentor – can definitely teach and can definitely provide useful insight into the Dominant mindset from different perspectives but if it’s a question whose roots lie in the psychology behind Dominance, another Dominant could help a newbie identify thoughts and feelings – at least that’s how it was from me.

That being said, I know that my lady – my kitten – taught me a lot from the ‘bottom’, mainly encouraged me to push past insecurities and shyness. Through our interactions I also learned how not to behave as a Dominant and how to delicately balance that side with my side out of the bedroom.

She taught me – and my time with her has taught me – how to respond to her body. What’s the right pressure to pinch, to choke – how hard can you slap, how to control the slap – how hard I can bite her nipple before it’s more about discomfort – and when to cross that threshold of discomfort if she’s out of line.

I think a Mentor is definitely useful but that entirely depends on the individual. Some prefer to learn from the community where as some prefer the one-on-one dynamic that mentoring can bring.

It has been thought that mentoring is obsolete in this day and age of the internet but from across reddit or whisper or Fetlife, I find that it goes either way. Some people are happy to ask groups where as there are those hurting in the shadows that might reach out – it all depends on how the individual feels.

For the couples with a busy routine in life, how can you do small things to acknowledge their D/s relationship?

For me, I find that rules and protocol in regards to tasks can help alleviate the monotony of work and that horrid feeling of separation from your Dominant / submissive life.

For example, each and every I have my kitten send me a hello text and picture of her work outfit for the day. A couple could take this further, setting a time to recite their mantra – or the submissive’s mantra – at breakfast and lunch, to help strengthen his or her mind on a rainy day, or to remind them of their existence in their relationship and their world and how important that is for the two of them.

Beyond that, you can get a bit cheeky too right? Think hidden sex toys, vibrating panties, a cheeky nude photo in the toilets at work – that’s one for the extra daring – these can all help to recharge the mind and have a bit of fun.

If the busy work times can extend to after hours, think about ways in which you can implement focus at home – meditation, a mantra for the self when you’re away from your partner. If you know one or the other is going to be busy before hand, arrange for the completion of a task to keep the mind occupied while this occurs so that afterwards you can come together and share the experience. Maybe this task is a fun assignment like masturbating in the bath, maybe it’s a written assignment, research into a topic of the dominant’s choice with a set word count. Be creative!

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If you’ve got a question to ask, whether you’re new to the blog, new to the lifestyle or just a casual reader, feel free to ask below or in an email.

Everyone is welcome! There are no stupid questions! Please don’t type out a response and delete it – there is zero judgement here regardless of tastes or background! You have nothing to fear, I promise.

In Which We Look At Structure For The Individual

We talk about structure for a D/s relationship and how it’s beneficial for both Dominant and submissive together – but what about structure away from each other in particular moments, maybe one partner is distracted by work, particularly anxious or just unavailable for whatever reason. Maybe the Dominant or submissive is single, and having a rough Monday / work week / month? What can be done to centre and calm the mind?

Your Mantra

When mentoring with individuals, a personal mantra is something I recommend for times when anxiety strikes or when they are feeling particularly unfocused or just a bit scattered.

Your mantra should be something personal, a positive reinforcement for yourself.

Have a think about something you’d like to remind yourself – maybe it’s ‘one day at a time’, ‘tomorrow is a new beginning’, maybe it’s your favourite song lyric. Have a think.

For those in a D/s relationship, using the mantra formed by you and your partner could act as a positive reinforcement for the times you are separated, a reminder that though you are separated now, this won’t always be the case.

Nude Meditation

Maybe it’s just me but I find something comforting and confronting and intimate about undressing and being naked – even now, even with myself. There’s a rawness I’m connected to, I find.

Do you have a favourite sound? Something that has a calming effect? For me it’s rain on a tin roof. Whenever I’m most anxious or just looking to re-wire my thoughts to a more healthy state of thinking, I turn on that wonderful sound, lie down in a favourite spot of mine and concentrate on creating my own personal sphere in which it’s raining on a beautiful Still evening.

It’s a tricky thing, to attempt meditation. It’s one thing to lie and listen to your favourite sound, it’s another to think of absolutely nothing as you do so, coming to a peaceful and relaxed stop. It takes time and patience and practice but it can be done with a little perseverance.

Keeping A Journal

Write your day down on your own personal journal. Alternatively, writing in the nude, as I’ve been known to do, can be equally comforting, but capturing your thoughts and feelings with just no one but you, the pen and the page can be a useful tool when it comes to processing thoughts and owning them, trapping them down on the page.

For some, journaling can hit a brick wall after a while. It can start to feel monotone or you might feel like you’ve run out of things to write about, especially if your life is a work grind.

If it does become a grind, think about writing about things you haven’t tried yet, things you want to try. Think about what happened in your day that was positive.

For those with partners, many of these ideas can intersect. And that’s good, you can share your experience when you come together next, it’ll be something you can talk about and share with one another.

For those who are single, these activities could be an important part of self-reflection on your own individual journey. A way to relax and unwind and to deal with unwanted stress in your daily life.

If anyone wants to share any other examples that was useful to them as an individual, I would love to hear them.

Frequently Asked Questions About A Mentor & Mentoring

What exactly IS a BDSM Mentor?

A Mentor can either be a Dominant or submissive who has been in the lifestyle for quite some time. Their role is to act like a friend first and a guidance counsellor second, listening to the pupil / student, answering any questions they have and recommending valuable resources that pertain to their interests. The period of time that they help the individual depends solely on the individual themselves.

I will note that Trust is very, very important to build and to have between the individual and the Mentor, for there can be types out there that use Mentoring as a guise to prey on those who really don’t know BDSM and it’s intricate dynamics and can end up falling victim to this.

Remember – watch for red flags, take your time and do not be rushed. Make sure their agenda lines up with your own, that your well-being is in their best interests. If it’s a Mentor you’re looking for, ask yourself this – could you get along with this person outside of BDSM talk?

Is a Mentor a sexual or romantic role?

No, absolutely not. While the topics discussed may be sexual in nature, I feel the Mentor’s role is to instruct and to guide and discuss.

If I’m a submissive / Dominant, do I need to find a submissive / Dominant mentor?

This one depends entirely on the individual. Some would feel they benefit more from someone in the same dynamic, while others feel someone in the opposite dynamic could shed a light on unforeseen ground. That comes down to personal taste.

There is the argument that the individual would benefit learning from the community as a whole. I mean, I did that myself, spending my own time reading and learning, so I can’t argue against that – Why would I? But on the other hand, a newbie learning one-on-one with a mentor gives him or her the chance to discuss topics without other minds expressing themselves and potentially leading to confusion or overwhelming the individual.

Again, it’s really a matter of preference and what’s more comfortable for the individual.

What exactly do YOU do as a Mentor?

I like to just be a friend and listen, first and foremost. I think that’s the most important thing, to be there.

In the past, I would encourage sending an email to my blog address, and if they felt comfortable doing so after befriending one another, to talk on a platform of Instant Messaging, for any direct line.

I say ‘in the past’ because I’ve stopped being as active in offering help presently – purely because I don’t want to annoy. And I don’t want to cross any boundaries if the individual is married or in a relationship. I don’t want to interfere or influence, merely help on the individuals terms.

But beyond that, I offer advice, I suggest activities such as meditation and journaling as a way of self-healing. I have had one individual ask me for help in getting them motivated in their daily life – small self-help and healthy living things like that.

I answer questions best I can, quell anxieties about their own ideas / feelings, squash misconceptions, offer activities I used for my own anxieties and journey. And be a back up, go-to friendly ear.

Can you explain your own experience(s) in Mentoring?

I’ve mostly had positive experiences in Mentoring and have even made a couple of good friends that have kept in touch and update me about their lives and their relationships and their own progress. This is the most rewarding thing I feel – knowing, in some way, maybe small, maybe more then that, that I’ve helped somehow.

I have had a negative experience too, last year. I came into contact with one person who only wanted to argue bitterly and he saw me as a focus point for that anger. I tried to get to the bottom of that anger but in the end, I had to cut contact. And being the sensitive person I am, that shook me quite a bit.

How does your lady / kitten feel about you Mentoring?

Before I started offering to help to anyone on the blog, I told her exactly what it was and what I hoped to do and why it was that I felt compelled to do so. I received her loving support. And If she was uncomfortable with any of it, I wouldn’t do it at all.

It can be a daunting thing, to journey into the world of BDSM. You may be worried you’ll fall into the pond when you just want to dip your toe. Just know you’re not alone in the journey – there are resources there within your reach. There are communities there full of the loveliest people that will help you as kindly as they helped me.

When it comes to seeking help, measure your options. Find what works best for you. Take your time on deciding if you want to work one on one or with the community – and most of all, be safe!

If you have any further questions, let me know and I can add this to the list – and if you ever need individual help, I’m always a message away! Good luck.

The Ways in which a D/s Relationship Fulfils Me

It’s strange that I’ve never really written about this before, because it’s come up a few times in my life – either with my lady, a reader or a student I’ve had the distinct pleasure of mentoring. What fulfils me in a D/s relationship? What do I get from taking care of a submissive? Is it merely holding a paddle, feeling it’s weight, hearing the crack on bare skin? Is it hearing her sweet voice call to you in the most intimate moments?

Yes, it’s all of that indeed but it’s so much more too at the same time. And to have a peek at some of the reasons, we’ll need to get messy, as hearts (especially mine!) often are. Are you strapped in? Comfortable? Sitting in your favourite spot? Lying in bed? Let’s go!

Connection

As satisfying as it is to find a soul who wants you to be in charge, who wants to carry out your orders and who trusts your ownership and leadership, what’s fulfilling for me is on a psychological level — I adore the mind and all it’s messy interiors.

For me, that I’m just being trusted with someone’s mind – something they may be struggling with for who knows how long – is a beautiful thing. But to share their world, see their tastes, their distaste’s, their collection of toys or underwear or memories and experiences, it’s powerful, powerful stuff. And I’m forever thankful.

You might wonder ‘wait, that’s it?’ – but it’s true. When I’m laying with my lady, and we’re a couple of surfaces deep from who society sees, it’s like I’m seeing a part of her, who she is, who this universe created, in a way my human mind can comprehend. Maybe we’re larger than that. Larger than our bodies. This is a spiritual thing I’m wandering to, not psychological. I’ll leave it there.

Structure

This, I feel, is very important. It goes hand in hand with the connection aspect I feel, complimenting each other, working with one another in ways I’m not sure I can communicate across.

Just as a submissive wants or requires or needs structure, so too does a Dominant. There’s a level of control needed, yes, but also tasks, daily assignments and constant communication on these aspects.

For me, I need a level of control. Like, I need it. And this extends to aspects of my lady’s life, splitting into different categories like day and night, speech patterns, protocol and other disciplinary behaviour.

More importantly, it gives structure to the day and night of the Dominant.

Some of you readers who have been with me from the beginning know that when I was suppressing the Dominant side of me in favour for a vanilla life, I was growing anxious, agitated and so uncharacteristically like myself. I was sullen, I was prone to anger, I was tormented.

The structure of a D/s relationship 24/7 many months later brought me back to my usual self. To use an already overused phrase, things fell in place, they really did – and I realised two things – not only did was an organised structure the key to my mental health, but it was balancing what needed balancing in my life. Evening things out. Like they should’ve all along.

That day was a real epiphany moment, I tell you. When it hit me all at once what I needed.

So you see, A Dominant gets more out of a D/s relationship than the animalistic thrill of their partner fulfilling a task, there’s a deeper psychological connection at work, a cosmic balancing act, the key to happiness for the Dominant.

If you have any further questions on this, let me know below or you can reach me at my email!

Lend Me Your Feedback – 2018 Edition

My last Lend Me Your Feedback post was back in November of 2017, if you can believe that, and since we’re going full steam ahead into August of 2018 (Where has the year gone??) and there have been new people find my blog, I thought I’d start up another thread.

I’ll always keep at my mix of self-help, late night rambles and weird erotica but I would love to hear different takes from different minds. If you – yes, YOU – have a topic you would love to hear my thoughts on, feel free to either comment in the comment section below or shoot me an email at darkanddominant[at]hotmail.com

 Is there a topic you’d like my take on? Something you want to see more of? Anything you’ve been curious to know / ask but there hasn’t been a platform to ask it?

Ask and you shall receive!

I Spit On Your Tits

Side note: I originally wanted an image of saliva resting over an exposed breast but I couldn’t find one. I need to make my own art. Anyhow.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think of the 1978 exploitation horror film I Spit On Your Grave when I thought of this title. And I wanted to mention this, not only because I thought of it originally but also because how it connects with my line of thinking regarding the act of spitting in a BDSM context.

I didn’t always enjoy the act of spitting. I was too shy, too nice. If part of kink and BDSM is tapping into that unbridled animal within, I wasn’t able to seperate the real me from the act.

We don’t necessarily detach from ourselves when we engage in acts do we? We just learn to become who we’ve always wanted to be – or we learn to immerse ourselves in the scene. Some of us find that confidence to pursue that interests while others enjoy the role play.

For me, a big part of it was coming to terms with the sadist within. Much later in life I would realise that my sadist side was always a Master in disguise. But for the earlier D&D Years, I was the shy guy too polite to even act on those raw instincts. Which is why I so often offer round-the-clock Mentoring or provide my email for readers. Anyway, I digress.

It took a while to grow that confidence to be able to accept those desires, to let alone try those desires in the first place. I had to hold a communion with that other side of me, the one in the dark. Dark and light needed to come together, to fuse together and co exist.

That took practice. A lot of practice. It was another case of something having to occur time and time again, like an actor in a role learning lines, only I was getting used to this new part of me.

I think it took so long because the act of spitting was an aggressive thing for me. I feel possessed even now when I do it, almost as if I’m sharing a mind with a drooling, savage creature. But when I was younger, that raw intensity scared me because it was so potent and primal and all-consuming. In times like that, after such an act, I’d sit or lay still, as if coming out of a dream.

I mentioned, in a ramble last week, about being primal – well, this was another aspect I was coming to terms with, frustrated after being so quiet and holding myself back.

If humiliation and degradation was my gateway drug into BDSM and kink, spitting was like the second tier to that act, another form of degradation that got my cock achingly hard. But much more then this, it was something that I needed to come to terms with in order to grow and to cast away the shackles.

I rather enjoy it now that I’ve grown and spent days and months on end communicating with and listening to that other half of me. Like any thing requiring balance in life, I need that savage act once in a while.

And yes, I do like to spit on her tits, to circle my saliva till her nipples harden, to call her filthy things, dreadful things, as a means to dampen, to break her spirits, so that somewhere down in the dirt, down in her mind, she becomes willing, accepting – a Slave. Absolute. It was this thought driving me, pulling me away, all those years ago. And it was the same thought that brought me back to the beginning, full circle, so that I may evolve and pursue my own slut, my own willing Slave. To become her Master, absolute.