Life As A Dominant with an Anxiety Disorder

There’s a lot I want to say about this, so you should know – this might be a bit all over the place.

In 2013, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder – specifically Panic Disorder, in which worry and panic tend to live alongside me each and every day.

This makes me think of something a little amusing to me – the people who haven’t read my blog, who haven’t touched the deeper parts of my psyche, shall we say? – never guess that I am a Dominant, that I identify with dark, sadistic sexual urges on a daily basis.

And sometimes the readers, who grace my blog daily or whenever, are surprised when they read or hear that I struggle with anxiety a lot.

In person I am rather withdrawn. I’m quiet, actually referred to as a man of few words. I’m introverted – until you get to know me or I get to know you and feel at ease. Even then, I’m socially awkward – I don’t have much of a filter and dark, dry, goofy, perverted humour slips through. So I understand completely how people can be miss entirely that I am a Dominant with a streak of sadism.

That doesn’t come through on the blog though. While I am generally my awkward self in the digital world, there’s more time to think and create a response, rather than waste real time with a person not knowing what to say. I am myself, and you are getting truthful, honest-to-goodness responses, because there’s less a degree of worry involved.

Most days of my life, I have a handle on my anxiety. On these days it’s nothing more than a nervous disposition about something – work, health, the future. It’s worrying but between what psychologists have taught me and what I’ve read, I have a grip on it.

I guess you could say anxiety has stages. On a good day, it’s just mild worry. If there’s a problem, a fight with a friend or I get myself into a spiral of depression, I will spend the whole day obsessing over every tiny detail till I am mentally exhausted.

In this mild-worry-stage, when it comes to dominance and D/s and all that entails, there is a part of me that is usually self-critical towards my actions, my demeanour and my ideas for tasks and scenes and protocols.

There was a moment, one time, where I walked into our bedroom and she’s wearing my favourite lingerie – and I just froze with doubt and anxiety, ruining the moment and mood. Kitten could read my face and we talked about it right there and then before the moment continued – but I will say, in the beginning, my anxiety and my inability to express my anxiety caused self-doubt in her own mind.

Self-doubt that was alleviated thanks to our many in-depth discussions about my weird personality quirks when it comes to shyness or anxiety or what have you.

I WILL SAY – time and practice has helped me to be less critical about my own voice and ideas. There’s always this frightful idea that I’m an idiot, just bubbling away beneath the surface, but I have been getting better in telling it to be quiet so I can be who I want.

On the really bad days, I’m not me. I live in a constant panic that everything – my life, my world, my relationship – will come crashing down because in that moment, I have no idea how long the panic will last – will it be a week? Another month again? I don’t eat, sleep is interrupted, and our D/s relationship is put on hold. The things I love to do – write, read, game – are the last thing I want to do. I don’t enjoy anything that I love.

I’m a mess. I’ll hate myself for being weak, for ruining kitten’s week. I tell her to leave me, she’s better off. I’ll sob uncontrollably, I’ll come up with anxiety-fuelled thoughts that make no sense, and I’ll want to run and keep running and never, ever look back. The last thing I’ll ever want to do is be Dominant and lead.

Being panicked and spiralling can last anywhere between a week to a month. In that time, I don’t eat properly, I’m constantly assessing my own reality, how I feel, things that are said. Even my taste is out of order.

And then….slowly everything will come back to me – my taste, my enjoyment of the things I love. Dominance. I’m me – properly me. All of my systems and it’s many files reboot and for the next week, I’m installing updates and getting back to my regular life of love, work and D/s.

Usually, with my returning state of normalcy, my sex drive will be out of the roof. I can’t say why, maybe it’s just pure joy from feeling like me again and not being riddled with thoughts conjured up by anxiety. But there you are.

I have been blessed though, to have someone who will stand by me through the storm – who will shelter me from the torrential downpour with her own body, even if it means being pelted with rain.

She doesn’t let me buy into my own anxious bullshit. She will hold me, hear my paranoia, reaffirm truth and reaffirm her love and that she is not going anywhere and will be here until I feel better. That….that ability – to have that unwavering patience, is so beautiful and special that it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. It’s something I could never FULLY repay, no matter how much I return the favour when she’s feeling out of her element. It never seems to be enough.

Beyond the spikes, anxiety is manageable. I realised, early on, that I couldn’t get rid of it, I just had to find a way to live with it – and I have. Most days I am fine, I am me. Panic attacks might still hit me in my sleep or randomly while in the cinema but I am getting better at alleviating it via nude meditation before it infects the rest of my mind.

Lastly, I will say this – man or woman, teenager or adult, dominant or submissive, if you ever find yourself in a downward spiral and you want to talk or need a distraction, you are always welcome to email me directly – no one deserves to be alone in that time. Sometimes you just need an anxiety buddy.

 

 

7 thoughts on “Life As A Dominant with an Anxiety Disorder

    1. Thank you, Isabella, I appreciate it. I have written on it before but I don’t think I clarified enough for people that may wonder, like you.

      You’re welcome to talk to me about it anytime – or ask. I’m open. And if I can clear anything for you, I’d love to help,

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I have suffered with panic disorder all of my adult life. There are long periods where it rolls far away, like the tide. Then there are periods, such as recently, where it utterly floods my shorelines. People who aren’t familiar with panic disorder, specifically, assume it’s similar to generalized anxiety, worry, or a kind of phobic reaction to a situation or catalyst that can be relieved with reassurance and positive thought. If only it were that easy. Like you, when panic returns to me, he wastes no time reminding me how intense his presence is. I also have days where I cry uncontrollably, strange racing thoughts of burden/weakness, certainty of failure and of being utterly damaged/unlovable. Trembling, absolute restlessness, an intense urge to flee from some terrible, invisible force that I know intellectually doesn’t exist. But it’s like your brain and nervous system refuse to believe that.

    Again, like you, during these invasions I often struggle with gauging my reality – also known as “de-realization”. People who aren’t acquainted with this condition assume I mean I’m wildly hallucinating or in a kind of strange delirium. I think we both know it’s much more subtle and maligning than that – which is part of what it’s so dark and powerful. I can only describe it as this vague sense that things are slightly skewed, reality is just slightly off, wrong, eerie. Calling every relationship, every known safety into question in a way that we don’t even know how to break away from because we aren’t sure whats ….. different. It tortures the mind.

    All I can say is this: I hear you. I see you. I know exactly what you are feeling, it scares me too sometimes. I’ve got your hand – and it’s going to be okay, I promise. Be patient with yourself, give yourself permission to be susceptible to this – just like you would to the flu, or cancer. We don’t hate or tear ourselves down when we catch a stomach virus, yet with mental illness we are conditioned to think we’re supposed to have some invisible barrier within ourselves and/or have the antidote immediately at the ready. This too shall pass …. ride the wave. Let people care, let people protect you. If you need anything, anything at all, you know where to find me. I’ve got my battle sword and horse at the ready ❤

    Like

    1. I’m sorry it’s been back at your door recently, it is the most soul destroying thing that just, no matter what sometimes, just knocks you off your feet.

      Thank you for writing in to me, and for writing so beautifully and openly, it means the world to know that someone is there for support, horse and battle sword at the ready.

      The same goes to you in your trying times. I hope you realise the same, and that people are there ready to care for you.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Queen! Its good you’re on medication – either short term or otherwise.

      There’s a stigma that comes with meds – that you must be truly mad to have them. But sometimes it’s a necessary path to take.

      I’m glad you have found peace in your life.

      Like

  2. I know the spiral very well. The past year has been increasingly difficult for me on and off. Reading this entry made me smile and tear up at the same time. I am happy you both have each other to lean on. As always, you give me food for thought and comfort knowing others have these moments as well. May you and yours be well.

    Like

Leave a Reply to foxesandpoems Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s