A Glimpse Into Darkness: Looking At My Sadistic Side

I’ve always had a strange relationship with sadism. For the longest time in my life, I’ve ignored it entirely. When I did indulge for a moment, I’d guiltily put the fantasy back in the farther reaches of my mind. Even when my lady is in a rough and sadistic mood, I still hesitate. I can feel my love wrestling with the sadistic intent.

My background is that I come from a conservative Catholic family comprised primarily of women – I have several sisters, am closer with my mother than my father and I haven’t even gotten to my nieces and nephews! This upbringing has its part to play in my development. Maybe even a part to play in my resistance to sadism – both initially and still to this day at times.

My initial experiment with sadism was humiliation and degradation as a teenager. During sex, words like ‘Whore’ and ‘Bitch’ and ‘Slut’ came out of me without thinking. I don’t really know why, to be honest. Even now, I’m not entirely sure. It’s one of those darker, rougher, more vicious sides that emerge when I’m kneeling over her body, fucking her mouth while I assault her clit.

Spiritually, I always felt I fit into the gothic romanticism era, like something out of an Emily Brontë novel. When I read Jane Eyre in college, the interactions between Mr. Rochester and Jane spoke to me – ignited my mind in ways I could not explain here in this space without boring you or writing another five pages.

The relationship between men and women of that area, sexist and misogynistic though it was, compelled me for reasons I wasn’t entirely sure.

It took me a long time to realise that, lurking under my skin, was the soul of a Master – customised though it was – to fit within my other sides – my primal side, the side that wants to unwind in the vanilla world. I just couldn’t accept that there was this stricter side to me, this side that craved control and ownership and ran a tight ship in his household. That craved, above all, someone else that would be willing to dance that dance with me – the other piece of the puzzle.

Like anything else in my sexuality, the more I chose to ignore it and try to keep it under wraps, the more it struggled back, an entity operating on its own. I would become moody and stern, if I could sense, say, someone taking charge in any kind of environment – oh the resistance I would feel in my body. The growling I would have to bite down on hard.

Maybe you understand, maybe you don’t – I needed control. I wanted control. I needed complete and utter ownership, totality. But more than that, I needed someone to want that from me. Willing and happy and content and as fiery and soul searching as I was.

And yet the questions remains – why do you like this? Where does it come from?

Maybe it comes from a fascination with the darker impulses of a mind, maybe it was born from the years of being a sensible catholic boy in the light for too long that I wanted to know – that I bit the Apple and didn’t just want to taste more, I wanted to taste Eve.

It’s interesting because the other significant poles in my life – heavy metal and the horror genre – not only have their roots in darker subject matter but there’s a sensuality to them as well – a lively, cathartic feeling to engaging in thrash metal or in the nubile naked good girl being stalked by the killer before the tension is released through the climax.

All of this, strangely, turns me and transforms me into that sadistic Master.

16 thoughts on “A Glimpse Into Darkness: Looking At My Sadistic Side

    1. It does, yes. As does talking it over and doing it more, as I grow confident to let myself sink into that mindset.

      I hope I did an okay job trying to pinpoint my sadistic origins and why it’s there for me. Yet somehow I feel it’s a book I’ll always be writing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. For us deeply introspective types it tends to be that way. We are always growing, always evolving, so what we discover about ourselves can change or maybe alter. Acceptance is important but being responsible is too… it can be tough but it sounds like your lady and you have a nice communication which is key! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am blessed not only for her but our ability to talk frankly and openly, and that we share mindsets!

        You’re right though, I’m constantly reassessing and updating. I’m glad I’m not the only one. Do you identify with the mindset of a Slave, Miss M? If I may ask?

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Great description from you both. We also have strong distinct S/m elements to our D/s and it took time to recognise and reconcile them. I know Cuiplash has experienced conflict about letting his sadist out to play with my masochism but when they meet…ah. As with everything, acceptance of our evolving selves, regular communication, responsibility and a healthy dose of fun works well.


    1. You have? I’m new to your presence / blog so I’ll have to have a scour and see – have you wrote about it? Has Cuiplash?

      It’s interesting to me that reconciling with it is found in other people. I’ve been so caught up dissecting my own sadism, I’ve been a bit late to the party about others and their relationship to sadism.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve touched on it and will be writing about it further. Cuiplash doesn’t blog but does read them. I think it’s fascinating how we and others discover parts to ourselves that feel so right, and yet we can struggle with them. Thanks for replying.


  2. “My initial experiment with sadism was humiliation and degradation as a teenager. Words like ‘Whore’ and ‘Bitch’ and ‘Slut’ came to me as a fascination.”

    I have found that some like that very thing–humiliation and degradation. I do not understand it but i don’t have to do so–it is just how they work or to use the phrase, ‘are built.”

    Knowing thyself is always golden.


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