The other day I thought about my own writing on this blog. I wanted to critique my own writing, not in some self-indulgent wank way, but in the hopes that maybe through my rambling, it might answer a question someone wanted to ask.
The main question I’ve gotten is – why so dark?
And I don’t know if I can properly answer that, but I’m willing to try:
It’s dark because I find that fascinating.
Anything that comes out on this blog is some strange fantasy of mine, something that comes in the dead of the night, something that comes to a sleepy mind, something that comes in a lucid dream – or day dream.
This blog here is like a box. Or maybe a prison. Some kind of container I expunge these darker impulses into – and that’s why, for the most part, they are coarse and unrefined.
I know my writing can be lacking or grammatical incorrect or what have you, because you’re looking at the very first draft, scribbled hastily as I’m possessed by images, sounds, settings, all merging together to create something divine and deep an dark.
I do this primarily to share with the world. As a writer of course my goal is to thrill and arouse, but in another way the goal here is to put out these twisted thoughts to show others that you’re not insane, there’s someone else as strange or gothic as you! Whether any of this stories achieve their goal, I don’t know – maybe they don’t and maybe they do.
In any case, I need to write for myself. Because I too hope I’m not alone in the world, in my fantasies.
But to circle back to an earlier reason – I write these things because I’m fascinated by the mindsets involved. The battle of wits, the tangles of bodies, the power play. The struggle.
It’s a canvas to explore my animalistic nature, my sadism, the thoughts that scare me. Sometimes it’s about empowerment given to the lady in the story – the one that assumes control, from below. Sometimes it’s nothing more but a transcript of a dream. An intimate look into my mind.
I like to challenge perceptions, push limits of characters or reader. I don’t know if I’ve done that but I like to try. I like to push my own limits, see how deep I can go.
I rarely have an ending in mind when I write. A story lives it’s own life. Characters come alive and I’m merely transcribing how they react through whatever means I can.
I do this in a fever dream, tasting and seeing and experiencing as I go. I’m the first reader to see it, in a way. An observer.
Hopefully this has shed some light on the writing process for those that have wondered or are interested. If you have any questions, let me know!