An Open Letter To Those Curious About The Lifestyle With Uninterested Partners…


During my time maintaining this blog and befriending you kind souls, there has been a recurring theme that runs as an undercurrent to some of the lives that pass me by. And today I wanted to talk a bit about that.

The recurring element I’m speaking about is guilt and today I wanted to write for those with boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives that aren’t remotely interested in anything BDSM related.

Maybe you’ve run it by your partner once and they’ve scoffed, maybe it’s been a few times. Maybe it’s been years since you’ve mentioned it, they’ve scoffed and you’ve been struggling with this emptiness, this desire to know but guilt for feeling so, since that point in time.

Here’s the thing though – you have absolutely no reason to feel guilt. Absolutely no reason. And here’s why.

As physical as the BDSM lifestyle is, as wondrous as it can be with another partner, the meat of it is educating yourself, to research by yourself – to grow within yourself.

There’s no shame in, say reading blogs or interacting with other people. You know your boundaries, you’re an adult. Your mind, of course, will tell you differently. You’ll start to feel shame, like you’re going behind your partner’s back – but there’s no reason to feel any of those things. You are in a relationship for yourself. This growth is for yourself.

To be clear, I’m not saying you should hide things from your partner, not at all. If things progress to that state where you have to hide, I would consider sitting down with them and communicating how you feel.

No, what I’m saying is: Do not let the rejection set you back or cause shame or anxiety.

And what of your mind and its delightfully delirious fantasies, you may ask me. To this, I’ll ask you: What of them?

These feelings could be heightened by your partner’s lack of interest. They can be potent. But there is no shame in them.

Think of your desires as a piece of your soul buried and you’re the archaeologist unearthing them. It’s a slow process but you’re learning more about yourself, things you might never even have realised.

I know it is hard to not run from the darkest of desires, even when or if your partner is turning his or her nose up at the prospect. But this is who you are and I promise you there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling, with what you are wanting.

And should there come a time where you wake in the dead of the night, anxiety flaring, repeat to yourself that this is okay, that there is no shame. Because the more you fight it, the stronger your desires will come. And take it from someone who was repressed a good part of his twenties – that is not healthy.

If you find yourself unable to shake the anxieties in the night still, always feel free to write to my email in an unfiltered post, just to let any negative energy pour from yourself. I am always here.

Lastly, it needs to be said – sometimes relationships such as these do not work out. And it’s a heartbreaking terrible shame but it does occur.

Does this mean it won’t work out for you? I cannot possibly say. Some quell the mind of their partners, while others simply find that they are incompatible.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen both instances occur. I, myself, have been in a circumstance where my partner of many years was simply not interested and it led her to the arms of another man secretly.

To those who find things are incompatible, I will say this: You are strong, and you have time. It may not feel like things will become better, or that you could possibly repair yourself. But step by step, day by day, agonising hour by agonising hour – you can rebuild. You may not be the same again. But things will get better.

Do not despair. Hope is never lost.


12 thoughts on “An Open Letter To Those Curious About The Lifestyle With Uninterested Partners…

  1. The thing that worries me with BDSM is the same thing I saw in swinging. When there is an uninterested partner, there follows cheating. It happens all the time in swinging, and I think…wait, I KNOW it happens in BDSM also, since I just weeded out one wannabe-Dom who was married. Took me a bit, but that “guilt” you speak about transfers itself into over-eagerness when that person is cheating. Thanks to being in an alternative lifestyle for years, I was able to spot him before he managed to get his hooks in. Those who are interested in a lifestyle, and remember that is exactly what it is, a way of living differently during at least part of your daily life, they need to decide if it is something that supercedes their relationship, thereby being honest with both themselves and their spouse/partner. I’ve seen far too many relationships tank because of the lack of honesty and openness.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I spend a good deal of time at work just speaking to people who have partners that don’t get or want to get there needs. It’s such a shame. Sometimes my job is like being a counsellor. But I really do feel sorry for them regarding the guilt they carry the shame they feel and the secrets they keep

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The other day I was having a conversation about this with my friends fiancé. He wants to try BDSM, but she has no interest. He’s not the kind of guy that would ever look elsewhere, you could say he’s loyal to a fault.
    But just chatting about it with him, I could see how much it was weighing on him that she doesn’t have any interest, which I always think is sort of sad, but you can’t make someone want to be into something they’re not.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My bestie was like that with swinging years and years ago. Her husband took her to a Meet and Greet (all the participants full clothed) because he wanted her to see that they were normal people on the outside. The next Meet and Greet, SHE suggested they go, because she’d met people she enjoyed talking to. None of us encouraged her, counseled her, nothing. A year later, it was HER idea to try soft-swing. I think sometimes we have a total misconception as to what an alternative lifestyle IS and what its participants are made of. I was always a “jump right in with both feet” kinda gal, but not everyone can handle that sort of immersion, and the idea of it scares them silly.


  4. Reblogged this on Thrill of the Chaste and commented:
    I may write more about this at a later date after I have more time to think about it, but wanted to share this post in the mean time. I can’t say that this completely describes my relationship with Angel, but I definitely did see a few parallels in there! Enjoy!


  5. Reblogged this on askmisseliza and commented:
    Hi babes!

    A little while back, I discussed about if it’s possible for vanilla to date a kinky person. I thought, this is a very good addition to that-since most of us tend to fall Inlove with someone who tends to have an opposite interest than us.

    Different interest or not, it is important to be honest with your partner about it. Being a person who is into BDSM is nothing to be ashamed of. It should be something that is needs to have a sit down with, with your partner. As I said before, it is part of your identity and if you ever want to be in a relationship with someone, you should take time to let that person know every inch of you-even your deepest darkest secret.
    For it will not only show your honesty and loyalty but help strengthen your relationship. Take a moment to read this blog from my fellow blogger and I hope that this will be able to give you a peace of mind.
    -Eliza 💋


  6. Of the many reasons a monogamous life is not really ideal. We can find many to share different aspects of our personality with, so why limit ourselves to only one.
    It may take more than one to fulfill us completely. We are not monochromatic in personality or in life, so why be that way in relationships?
    Monogamy is a path that leads to jealousy and many other negative issues. Life is a gift with an expiration date. The grim reaper is undefeated, why suffer through life, when the gift should be enjoyed?


  7. Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve spoken with my partner about all of this and she doesn’t want to hold me back but it’s still difficult. I feel a lot better after reading your post, though. I’ve been feeling pretty horrible about it. Thank you again.


  8. I’m in a relationship with a vanilla myself. However, we make it work, luckily. : D He never makes me feel like I’m sick in the head or anything, and respects me for who I am. I also have a very vivid imagination and fantasy world, so that keeps me pretty happy now, even though it was the very thing that used to make me unhappy. For the longest time I felt broken, wrong, disgusting, simply because of what got me off, so to speak. I thrive on pain, and submission. Most people can’t understand why someone wants to be hurt or dominated, but for me it’s just been my default setting. I tried so hard to switch it off, no luck. Learning to love myself, and live as myself has been the by far the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I owe it mostly to my vanilla partner, who loves me just the way I am.



  9. I love this post! I was the one who introduced BDSm in my marriage and it took me joining group and having an online Dom to have my husband see that I was serious. Short story…Master found his desires and needs and I fulfill them. We walked away from 20 years of vanilla and have a great relationship now for the past 4 years.


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