During my time maintaining this blog and befriending you kind souls, there has been a recurring theme that runs as an undercurrent to some of the lives that pass me by. And today I wanted to talk a bit about that.
The recurring element I’m speaking about is guilt and today I wanted to write for those with boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives that aren’t remotely interested in anything BDSM related.
Maybe you’ve run it by your partner once and they’ve scoffed, maybe it’s been a few times. Maybe it’s been years since you’ve mentioned it, they’ve scoffed and you’ve been struggling with this emptiness, this desire to know but guilt for feeling so, since that point in time.
Here’s the thing though – you have absolutely no reason to feel guilt. Absolutely no reason. And here’s why.
As physical as the BDSM lifestyle is, as wondrous as it can be with another partner, the meat of it is educating yourself, to research by yourself – to grow within yourself.
There’s no shame in, say reading blogs or interacting with other people. You know your boundaries, you’re an adult. Your mind, of course, will tell you differently. You’ll start to feel shame, like you’re going behind your partner’s back – but there’s no reason to feel any of those things. You are in a relationship for yourself. This growth is for yourself.
To be clear, I’m not saying you should hide things from your partner, not at all. If things progress to that state where you have to hide, I would consider sitting down with them and communicating how you feel.
No, what I’m saying is: Do not let the rejection set you back or cause shame or anxiety.
And what of your mind and its delightfully delirious fantasies, you may ask me. To this, I’ll ask you: What of them?
These feelings could be heightened by your partner’s lack of interest. They can be potent. But there is no shame in them.
Think of your desires as a piece of your soul buried and you’re the archaeologist unearthing them. It’s a slow process but you’re learning more about yourself, things you might never even have realised.
I know it is hard to not run from the darkest of desires, even when or if your partner is turning his or her nose up at the prospect. But this is who you are and I promise you there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling, with what you are wanting.
And should there come a time where you wake in the dead of the night, anxiety flaring, repeat to yourself that this is okay, that there is no shame. Because the more you fight it, the stronger your desires will come. And take it from someone who was repressed a good part of his twenties – that is not healthy.
If you find yourself unable to shake the anxieties in the night still, always feel free to write to my email in an unfiltered post, just to let any negative energy pour from yourself. I am always here.
Lastly, it needs to be said – sometimes relationships such as these do not work out. And it’s a heartbreaking terrible shame but it does occur.
Does this mean it won’t work out for you? I cannot possibly say. Some quell the mind of their partners, while others simply find that they are incompatible.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen both instances occur. I, myself, have been in a circumstance where my partner of many years was simply not interested and it led her to the arms of another man secretly.
To those who find things are incompatible, I will say this: You are strong, and you have time. It may not feel like things will become better, or that you could possibly repair yourself. But step by step, day by day, agonising hour by agonising hour – you can rebuild. You may not be the same again. But things will get better.
Do not despair. Hope is never lost.