What do you feel are the roots of your Dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood, upbringing or parental example? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
I’ve often wondered this for hours, when the night comes and I’m left alone in the lounge room to be the night owl I am.
Is this my individuality, born out of the encounters across my lifetime, or is it something in the link passed down from my parents?
When I have to be firm with my kitten, when she wants to be a brat, I can hear my dad come out in a tone or an expression, but I just don’t know. My parents LOOK vanilla, they are conservative Catholics that would balk at the things I say or do, but then who can really say?
I often wonder this about my enjoyment of horror films and games and novels as well. Where did it come from? Why? Why is it that when I write, my stories are predominately about savagery? Surely my parents couldn’t behave like that? How could they? They feel so harmless.
So if it’s my mind, where did that come from? I was bullied as a teen and in primary school. Does that account for a sinister side, some rage deep down that is filtered through the acts of BDSM to be playful and harmless? (For clarification, no I would never be physically or emotionally abusive. I’ll ask kitten as I type and type her exact response: ‘No, because I trust you to honour the safe word and know my limits.”)
I’ll admit to there being a sexual thrill, I think we all can. But I think it goes deeper than that, because I love to nurture and I love that I’m protecting her. And not just her, I feel protective, in an embarrassing way, of her friends. I feel like I could shield these people, hold them and protect them. I’ll never go out and say that of course, because that sounds rapey as fuck. But there’s always a mental side of me wanting to protect.
I guess I don’t really know what to think. Maybe it’s a combination? It’s probably just going to be another mystery of life.