I wanted to talk about something a little personal to me. Personal because it sheds light on my mentality and personality and some days I’m not entirely happy or proud to be…well, me.
Is it narcissistic to title this post The Complexity of my Dominant self? Because I’m going to – and because it feels accurate.
I would do anything for my kitty, my baby girl, my girlfriend, my lady. Any. Fucking. Thing.
There was a point where I realised the depth to which I meant that you know? If she’s sick, take care of her. If she can’t be kitten and has to be [name retracted]* then that’s fine – because sometimes, you just want to be yourself. And that’s fine. The other aspects of your personality are waiting in the wings.
But in this moment where I realised, it was staggering the things that came to me that I would do in a heartbeat.
The other day she asked to see an animated movie in the cinema, which I agreed to without question. Fuck getting old, I’m a Disney fan. The Americans reading can know I’m young at heart, and that I found the Snow White ride at Disneyland terrifying**. Ride it and see for yourself.
Another aspect of my personality, my Dominant side, is a quick temper. I’m not a violent person, I’ve never ever been physically violent towards anyone. The only fight I was in ever was when I was 8 and it was over a woman. I remember coming home with a black eye.
In my later years (I’m 28! Ha!) my temper has subsided and comes out during severe bouts of anxiety. If I lash out at anyone, I’m usually the first to admit it and will carry it for days feeling like shit.
I raise this because I don’t know to what extent it is in my Dominant personality. It might mean kitten has less of a chance to misbehave but I can assure you, I am careful to measure my punishments and never abuse my position. She’s always the first to challenge me if she wants to anyway. But that comes at a risk.
She’s cooled me, put it this way.
When I was in an unhappy relationship, I was angry. My unfulfilled beast came out in my every day life and I was a bit emotional.
Now that I’m in a fulfilling role 24/7, I’m okay. And more importantly, I’m me. I’m free to explore what makes up my mind, be it the Daddy, the Master or what have you.
I don’t know if the anger comes with the territory or if it’s a personal aspect is what I’m saying. Some of you might call me tortured, which might make a walking cliche – seeing as though, I’m dark, brooding, thousand yard stare type dude. Or so I’ve been told.
This post comes down to the age old discussion – nature vs nurture. Which can go on for days. And it’ll be here long after I’m gone.
In any case, I’m me.
*That’s a bit of humour for you.
**The journey through the haunted forest with evil trees would seriously scare kiddies.